Chapter 3: Moving On

EPOV

The flight to Seattle was excruciatingly long, even longer, it seemed, than the flight to Los Angeles. I had wanted to get there as fast as possible, but unfortunately there was no direct flight to Seattle within a reasonable amount of time, so I took three flights. One to Los Angeles, one to San Francisco, and one to Seattle. When the plane was descending at an agonizingly slow pace, I yearned to kick in the wall and jump out. If I didn´t have the heart to care about the well-being of the random strangers around me, I would have. Anyway, it would only cause more trouble for me to draw attention to myself. The last thing I needed were reports of a man with superhero strength on the loose in tomorrow´s paper.

I spent every moment thinking about Bella, as I always did. I felt no regret for what I was doing. The only thing I could feel was a sweet sense of anxiety. Even knowing I would see her soon, I was still aching. The anticipation had my whole body in turmoil. My arms were throbbing, knowing that soon they would wrap around her again. Yet soon wasn´t soon enough. I had to rush. The sooner I got to her, the sooner everything would be right in the world again.

Leaving the Seattle airport was very frustrating. I had to use all my concentration to keep from running at my normal vampire speed. I was sure I was already running a little too fast. I got some strange looks from people. The airport smelled of gasoline and passengers who hadn´t showered yet, but when I finally made it outside of the main city, I could smell the familiar scent of Washington, of trees and falling rain.

I broke out into a run through the wilderness, but slowed down quickly when I checked the time. It was about eleven. I wouldn't get there to see Bella before she left for school, and it didn´t seem like a good idea to go find her there. Bella was never one for a lot of attention, and throwing myself at her feet pleading for her to take me back would definitely draw attention. No, I would do what I had always imagined. I would climb in threw her window, and she would wake up startled, but as soon as she recognized me, she would scramble out of bed or desk and cross that short distance into my arms and I would kiss her like never before.

Perhaps she would forgive me for having left her behind, once I told her that it was all for her sake, but that I understood I was wrong to have gone. My actions were not my own anymore, they were of my heart. I could not bear to spend another day away from her, and for the first time I embraced the idea that she felt the same way about me.

Knowing now that I could take my time, I knew it would be a good idea to hunt. I had been away from Bella for so long that the thirst might be as strong as the first day we met. I didn´t want to have to restrain myself tonight. If I could, I would kiss her as hard as humanly possible… only humanly possible, since I didn´t dare harm her. I knew I could control my touch, but I could never be sure about my hunger.

I found a moose in the forest and grinned as I gave chase. This animal was too big for me to drain it of all its blood, but it would do. I ran so fast it was like I was flying. With the rush of the wind, I was overjoyed by the inevitable future. I didn´t think I could wait until nighttime to sneak into her room. As soon as she got home, I would be there waiting for her. I tackled my prey to the floor and began my feast, never feeling quite so happy to be what I was, for at least my speed would allow me to reach Bella even faster.

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BPOV

I was lucky not to have gotten detention today. I was so unfocused that I nearly broke some 30 Petri dishes in Biology. Being clumsy was not new to me, but I could barely focus on walking today.

I didn´t know what to say to Jacob the next time I saw him. I spent the better part of the day going over what I could say, what my final decision should be. It might have been too late to go down that road. I had already kissed him. Backing out now would be pretty mean, wouldn´t it? I really had no right to lead him on like that when I was so unsure of myself.

Yet, in a way, I wasn´t sorry for what I had done. I needed to move on with my life. Jacob was key to that. I knew he could make me even partially happy if I let it happen. And it felt so good to be loved by someone. I didn´t feel nearly as pitiful as I did before.

When the end of the day came along, I still had no clue how to confront this, but wanted very much to say yes. I may have not wanted this 100%, but this change was something I needed. And I knew it was selfish. With every fiber of my being, I ached for Edward. Nothing Jacob had done for me had been able to change that. He had only been able to numb the pain that in spite of my attempts, had grown with each passing day, as though my body was defying my mind. It would be a miracle if I could get over him, and so I could only hope that there would be a miracle for me. This wasn´t an easy thing on which to decide. Besides going through this when my heart was elsewhere, I ran the risk of ruining our friendship, the last thing I was willing to sacrifice. I didn´t want love to get in the way of the more pure feelings we had for each other.

I wanted our relationship to be simple… Really, I didn´t want anything to change. When romance was involved, nothing was simple.

"Are you okay?" Angela asked, noticing my marked lack of attention.

"Yeah… I suppose."

"Is there anything I can help you with?" She asked.

Angela was such a good friend. It pained me that I couldn´t share all my secrets with her… but maybe I could confide in her with a few things. "Angela… What do you do when someone likes you, and you like them back, but as a friend?"

Angela smiled, "It´s that Quilette boy, isn´t it?" My blush confirmed it for her, "He always looks at you in that adorable way."

We had hung out a few times as a group, but of course Jacob hadn´t clicked with the rest of them, least of all Mike. Angela was the only one who treated him just as kindly as anyone else. I cringed, "Not helping."

"Sorry… Anyway, I don´t see any problem. You guys are so close you´re practically an item. I know you spend a lot of free time with him alone, and whenever you´re together you´re always touching somehow. Do you mean to say that you´re really not interested in him?"

I sighed. It was never a surprise that someone felt that way, but I still had to wonder why friends of a different gender couldn´t be really close without it being considered romantic. I liked to be close to him. I liked holding his hand. I liked those massive bear hugs of his. Was it somehow wrong to be touching him?

"Not exactly. He´s my best friend, and I do care about him a lot. I just… don´t know if I´m really girlfriend material."

"That didn´t stop you with…" She stopped when I sucked in a breath. "Well, before, I mean…"

This conversation was getting painful, but I knew she didn´t mean to upset me. "But Jacob is… he´s Jacob! I always thought of him as a big brother, someone to look out for me. Now, he wants us to be something more, and I don´t know if I can do it."

"Do you really want my advice, Bella?"

What a silly question. Of course I did, that´s why I was talking to her about this. "Of course. Please."

"Go for it," she said simply, as though it should have been clear, "The guy is head-over-heels for you. So he´s not the knight in shining armor you´re used to. He still treats you like a princess."

That was quite an image. Right out of a fairy tale book. So Jacob was to be the hero who saved me from the monster that was myself. Funny, he was the one doing that, fighting against a beast in his blood, fighting against anger. Was he really capable of looking after a damsel, too? I never imagined myself as the type of girl who needed to be worshipped. In fact, I hated the attention I got from many guys at the school… apart from one… True enough, Jacob spoiled me, let me get away with a lot of things I really shouldn´t. Was I turning into a damsel? "So I should just… drag him along? Let him dote on me?"

"You make it sound like such a bad thing, Bella," she said, "Listen. Every girl needs to be taken care of in some way, just like every man needs to be taking care of in some way. I know that ever since you two have started hanging out, you´ve looked so much better. And the way he looks at you, I know that he feels all the better for having you in his life. I think that in a way… you guys fulfill certain vital needs in each other. I´m surprised you guys haven´t even tried anything."

I blushed red hot, and she gasped, "You mean you have?"

"No… Just… a kiss."

Her overreaction was the usual of any high-schooler, a high-pitched squeal and a quick flailing of the arms, and she tugged on my shoulder. "Nicely done, Bella. See? You´ve already gotten past the hardest part. What was it like?"

No, the hardest part would be trying to do it again, and to keep Edward out of my mind while doing so.

The school bell rang and the conversation was cut short. Angela was already inching away to join up with her adorable boyfriend Ben. I decided I couldn´t meet up with the two of them. Watching them as a couple together was too hard to endure.

I made my way to my lovely little Volvo amidst the crowd of departing students. As soon as I got in and shut the door, I turned on the heater. I had gotten to use to the temperature inside the classroom and the outside world was a surprise to my system. Unfortunately, with this car, the heat could take forever. What I really needed was to slip under some blankets in my bed. I was quickly out of the parking lot and heading home, going faster than usual. Oddly, it felt better I normally did to be going home. Somehow the idea of being there was comforting.

And then I thought of Jacob again. I remembered the look on his face after I had kissed him. I remembered Angela´s question from just a few minutes ago, "What was it like?" It was certainly nothing like kissing Edward. My heart had not been pounding with passion. I had not become dizzy or fainted. I hadn´t shivered from both cold and pleasure. Jacob´s kiss felt like… nothing. It didn´t dazzle me. I sighed. Maybe having Edward as my first boyfriend had ruined my expectations. Not everyone could be that perfect. And then the hole in my chest was creeping open again. Perhaps I could never expect to love someone as much as I loved Edward. The thought terrified me. Was I doomed to live out the rest of my life unsatisfied?

No, it had to be enough. I had nowhere else to turn to. Jacob was the most important person in the world to me now. I always said there was nothing I wouldn´t do to make him smile, make him laugh… make him happy. Because he had done the same for me. It was true, wasn´t it? I owed him every scrap of happiness I had left. Even as I remained a poor excuse for the happy girl that used to be Bella, this life was livable, because I had him to turn to. Whenever I saw him, somehow I knew the sky wasn´t going to fall on my head just yet. No, the worst the sky could do was rain on me, make me shiver, and yet Jacob was there too, holding me close with his overly warm body, and I was alright. The rain didn´t bother me anymore.

I may never be whole again, but like Angela said, Jacob completed me in ways no one could. Edward was lost to me now. I had to fully except that he wasn´t going to come back, no matter how much it hurt. And I had to grab onto what I had and never let it go. I wasn´t about to let Jacob slip out of my grasp, not when I needed him so desperately.

My mind was made up.

Without dwelling on my fear and indecisiveness for too long, I turned my car around, and before I knew it, I was heading to La Push.

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EPOV

When I finally caught sight of her house, I let out a sob of joy. I never realized how much I actually missed Bella´s house. Of course, it was only because I knew the treasure that it held, but it was devastatingly satisfying to approach her window, like a poor cursed Romeo to his Juliet. Her car wasn´t here, but I was already aware of that. Like a smart and disciplined girl, she was no doubt still at school. I oddly couldn´t wait for her to tell me all that had happened in the past year. What wonderful experiences had she come to know? How much had she blossomed in my misguided absence?

I leapt to her window, remembering the countless times I had done so before, how I would always be greeted with a kiss. This time, she would come home to me, and I would be the one to greet her with a kiss… and then another… and then another… The window was still unlocked. Thank goodness for that. Breaking into a cop´s home is not what I had in mind. I slipped into her room and had to clutch the window frame for support as her scent crashed into me. Like I had thought, my throat burned with her sweet smell, but the scent was slightly stale, a few hours old, so it was slightly easier to sustain than the first day we had met. But that was nothing compared to the throbbing elation at being in this room again, a room that held the most precious memories for me. Bella´s bed, where I had held her and kissed her countless times, where I had sung her to sleep with my lullaby, where I had laughed at her murmurs, those little windows into her dreams.

Everything was just the same as the last time I had been here. The rocking chair was still in the corner. Should I wait for her there? No, I would wait on the window sill. No, the bed.

Then I started questioning if I should leave and come back later, like when she was already lying in bed. I didn´t want her to faint of shock. Or maybe I did want that. I would have to catch her, and all the sooner I would have her in my arms.

I was so enraptured by Bella´s scent that I didn´t even register Alice´s presence until she was standing right in front of me. I was quite shocked, even for a vampire, and I couldn´t help but instantly get defensive. "Alice… What are you doing here?"

Alice rolled her eyes, "Nice to see you too… I´ve been here for a few days."

"That still doesn´t explain why you´re here when I told you not to interfere in Bella´s life."

"Well, excuse me! When I see a friend of mine committing suicide I have every right to do something."

My breath caught in my throat, and I choked on the air. In my joy, I had overlooked that knowledge. "Did she… really try to kill herself?"

She sighed, "Turns out no. All I saw was her jumping off a cliff by the beach, but it turns out she was doing it for fun… diving."

The thought enfuriated me. How could Bella be so reckless with her life when I told her to take care of herself? Ocean or not, she was far too fragile (and clumsy) to be doing something like that. God, if anything had happened to her… who knew what I might have done? But I knew that I would have done. Her death would have destroyed me, and I would have ended my life the only way I knew how.

´That´s not all she´s been up too,´ she told me through her thoughts, ´She´s been riding a motorcycle too.´

My fists clenched. No matter how happy I would be to see Bella again, I made a mental note to discuss this matter with her. If she thought I was going to let this kind of thing continue, she had another thing coming. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers, "Honestly, Alice. Are you trying to make me crazy here?"

"Then you can stop invading my personal thoughts." Hmph! I would be so lucky… "But I must say you´ve never looked saner."

Her words calmed me, reminded me that I had a reason to exist again. My love for Bella defined me. If it was the last thing I did, it would be to love her, to tell her that I love her, and I could only pray that she would take me back. But of course she would. She loved me, too, and that thought gave me the extra strength I needed to confront her. 3 PM couldn´t come fast enough.

So why did Alice look so distraught as she said that? "What?"

Her thoughts were a blur of Bella, and I was distracted from anything that might be a signal to Alice´s distress. For a moment, I saw her near the doorway, talking to who must have been Jacob Black, looking rather distressed himself, but before I could pry further, Alice purposefully changed her thoughts.

"Edward, I just… You need to talk to Bella right away, before it´s too late."

Those final words terrified me. I grabbed her by the shoulders. "What are you talking about? Is she alright?"

"Of course she is… I can´t say anymore. I´m already prying enough as it is."

She of all people should know by now that our family had no secrets. "Is something wrong?"

"No… Not yet… It´ll be fine. When she gets home, it´ll be alright."

I let it go, but I was being attentive to her thoughts, just in case she would slip and drop another clue. But her presence did remind me of something. I had to get into contact with the others and let them know I was okay. What with Rosalie´s little mistake (if you could ever call it little), they were probably worried sick. Even though Alice´s calmness at my arrival proved she knew I was coming, I didn´t know if she had told the others. I slid to the opposite side of the window, looking out just in case I could catch sight of Bella´s old truck a few hours early, and called Carlisle.

BPOV

I heard familiar sounds of metal scrapping against metal and knew Jacob was in his garage, working on another one of those poor motorcycles. I cringed when I remembered his little motorcycle metaphor the other day. Maybe I was the broken abandoned bike that he could fix.

My hatred for the whole situation grew as I approached the garage, because I had never been so uncomfortable to be seeing him. I had always been so happy to spend my time with him. My mind and heart were already putting up walls now that I had come to my decision.

I found him with his body hidden behind a rather dirty looking bike. I could only see his face, and he was so focused on his work that he looked beautiful. Even the dark blots on his face made him look somewhat dashing. They spotted his face and his now rather muscular arms. He reminded me of a soap opera heartthrob or the guy on the cover of a cheesy romance novel. Muscles and olive skin. Every girl´s dream.

When he finally heard me -he must have been really focused if he didn´t notice before-, he broke out into a smile, but it wasn´t a full one. I instantly knew he was feeling nervous too, though maybe not as much as I did. Still, he looked cautiously hopeful. I smiled the best I could for him and said, "Fixing another problem girl?"

His love for this hobby was clear as he admired the vehicle and patted it with his hand. "Yeah, she´s a bit wild, but nothing I can´t handle." He winked at me, and then ruined the flirtatious act by sneezing loudly, "Sorry. Looks like I have a cold. I stayed out longer than I should have."

My cheeks pinked and I moved towards my regular sitting area, but Jacob stopped me, "Hold on. Let´s go inside. I´m pretty much done anyway."

Great. Just great. I didn´t even have any time to think through what I was going to say to him. Maybe I should have held this off for a few more days.

When we entered his house, he excused himself for a few moments to wash away some of the grime on his body. I didn´t mind that he looked that way, but it would definitely dirty the house. I sat on the couch and was nearly hyperventilating by the time he came back, but when he placed a warm hand on my shoulder I was fine. He kept my steady, and smiled when I looked up at him. "Hope you don´t mind. I can´t really clean it all off in one try."

True enough, he still had small patches of gray and black on his crown and on his neck. "I don´t mind." I replied honestly.

When he sat down next to me, my instant reaction was to shy away from him, but I knew that would only hurt his feelings, so I held my ground. We were silent for a few very uncomfortable moments. The smile was gone from Jacob´s face. He looked genuinely concerned.

I knew I had to break the ice, so I looked around the room and focused on the first thing I saw. "Wow, is that television set new?"

He didn´t even pause, "Are you rejecting me?"

My face dropped and turned pale. He didn´t even respond to my question, not in the slightest. He was looking at me, but to my hands, as though he didn´t want to look me in the eyes. I could still see what was in them. His eyes were so sad, so broken, and my heart wept.

Again, I cut off my mind and heart as well as I could, and suddenly leapt for him. He barely reacted in time to catch me before I latched my lips onto his. He was rather surprised, and didn´t move for a few moments. That wouldn´t do. I coaxed his mouth by sucking tenderly on his lip. With a deep breath, he began to kiss me back. I could feel myself shaking, but doubted he would notice.

I was surrounded my heat, so much of it that I was breathing fire. I couldn´t breathe right. I was drowning in him. Still I wouldn´t let go. This was my only chance to make things right for myself. If I had to force myself to feel for him, then so be it.

Even as he caressed my face with his hands, I felt no response to his touch. My skin didn´t jump under his fingertips. They were simply there under him, as they always were. With his heat and softness, it was hard to imagine them being cold and hard as ice, but somehow I still did. It was a difficult stretch, but I could still imagine those cold arms encircling me and drawing me out of Jacob´s embrace, and no matter how much I knew it would hurt Jacob, I would have wanted it, wouldn´t I?

Already I was losing my grip, so I leaned into him. Though he was far stronger than me, he allowed me to take the lead, falling slightly back and I climbed over him. I shivered as his tongue parted my lips, and I almost cried then. Edward had never kissed me like that, out of necessity. I had always wanted to make our kisses more passionate. Hell, I had wanted far more than that, but our relationship had been doomed to be chaste for eternity… But eternity would have been nice to have, no matter how incomplete.

I had to try harder. I put my arm around him, but accidently knocked over the lamp on the table. I froze and was ready to break the kiss to apologize, but he held onto me tighter. Clearly he didn´t mind.

Suddenly, I was lying on my back. Jacob was on top of me, kissing my neck. I honestly would rather he kissed me on the lips. Without my lips occupied, I didn´t know what to do with them. I was sure my face looked as dead as stone. There was no way I could pull off looking like I was passionately into this. I just hoped he didn´t notice. He sucked and bit on my neck, and I breathed in a ragged breath. It was too hard, wishing that this could be Edward, wishing he would be able to kiss me like that, knowing that I would have enjoyed it immensely.

It didn´t occur to me for a full five seconds that my shirt was moving. Not a lot, but enough to expose my stomach, and Jacob´s hands covered me. I shook violently and shot up, sliding out from beneath him. "Stop!"

He instantly backed off, throwing himself to the other side of the couch. His hands had been so unbearably close to one of the places I only wanted Edward to touch, and knew I had had enough for one day. I fixed my shirt and held my arms to my chest.

"I´m so sorry, Bella! Please… don´t me mad at me! I won´t do it again without your permission. I promise!"

His apology was sincere. He was just a boy after all. I was just glad I had the strength to say that enough was enough before he did something I would really regret. He looked rather pitiful now, and I was sorry to have pulled him in so abruptly, only to push him away. I looked away, ashamed, "It´s not your fault… I´m just… not ready for that right away."

He nodded his head. I was glad that it was good enough to understand that I needed to have a slow pace.

I looked on the floor next to him, where the broken lamp lay. "Sorry about the lamp."

He breathed out a laugh, "I didn´t mind."

I blushed again. I might as well stay red for how embarrassed I was these days. Happily, when he looked up at me again, he was smiling. For a moment, he became serious. "I won´t rush you Bella. Trust me on that."

I smiled and nodded.

"Good… So you´re … serious about this?"

I sighed and nodded again.

He smiled, "I won´t let you down…" Before the atmosphere could get all mushy again, he suddenly turned back into my best friend, and took my hand, "Come on! You haven´t seen much of the gang. They've been really wanting to see you."

I actually wanted to, in spite of everything, but Alice was waiting for me. "Not today. Alice is waiting." He cringed. "Don´t give me that. She´s only here for a little while. Then you can monopolize me again."

He smirked sweetly, "Sounds good to me."

I wondered briefly if I should kiss him goodbye, but I settled for hugging him. He held me tightly, like a boyfriend often did to his girlfriend, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do this. "Thank you, Jake."

"Anytime, Bella. Hurry and get on home before I hold you captive."

I knew he wouldn´t mind it, but I had definitely had too much emotional trauma for one night. I let go of him, caught a glimpse of the adoration in his eyes, and left. As I drove away, I saw him in my rear view mirror looking through the window. He looked so happy, and I was glad. Glad to have made him happy…

I would work on myself later…

To be continued…

I suppose it´s kind of mean to leave it here, just before she is about to return home to a most wonderful visitor. I´m trying to time this right, though, and I did extend the chapter so that you´ll forgive me what I´m about to say. Unfortunately, I will be in Egypt for the next ten days (Okay, not so unfortunate for me) so I won´t be updating until I get back. I can promise you that the next chapter will be worth the wait. I´ll be spending a lot of time and thought on making it perfect.

In the meantime, I really appreciate your input and criticism, so please write a review! And since I won´t see you for another ten days, HAPPY HOLIDAYS/CHRISTMAS/HANNUKAH/KWANKAH/SOLSTICE/ANOTHER-DECEMBER-RELIGIOUS-CELEBRATION-I-AM-UNAWARE-OF!!!