Ch 4: Bittersweet

BPOV

Coming home felt surprisingly good. I guessed it was because I could finally have some time to myself to process everything that had happened today. Nothing could calm a worried mind like a good night´s sleep. I was so on-edge that the sensation of pulling into my driveway shocked me. I felt a thrill of a shiver run down my spine. I looked around, feeling eyes on me, and wondered if Jacob had hidden in the back of my truck again just to scare me. He had done it once, and had a great laugh at my expense.

But like always, there was no one. The only thing out of the ordinary was Charlie´s police cruiser in the driveway. Usually I arrived home before him. I´d have to explain to him why dinner would be late, but he´d be happy to know that I´m spending more time with Jacob. As I exited the car, I bit my lip in worry. Conversation with my father was difficult enough, but I didn´t want to expose to him that Jacob and I were becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.

I lost my breath and held my fist to my heart. The word ´boyfriend´ hadn´t been a very accurate word for Edward, but it was the closest term. The thought that I could now use that term for Jacob… it felt like I was betraying Edward. As of right now, he was the only one who even came close to the word. Truly, I didn´t know if Jacob and I could really be called that yet. When does a couple make it official? Would it require verification at some point? In all honesty, I hoped the topic never came up.

I shivered at a sudden gust of wind and hurried to get inside to the heat. Charlie was waiting, like always, in his chair in front of the television. He looked at me intrigued. He might not have known me so well, but enough to know that I wasn´t prone to going out after school. It was something I usually saved for the weekends.

"Hey Dad. Sorry I´m late."

"That´s no problem. Alice kept me company, but she left a while ago." My chest tightened, but he quickly set the words straight. "No worries, though. She said she was just going to check up on her old home. She should be back shortly. We should invite her to eat with us."

I hid a snicker. Alice would have to pass on that request. Unless I brought some cattle to the dinner table, Alice´s appetite would have to wait, though I imagined that in her human years she would have appreciated my Thai peanut dish. She seemed like the kind of person who would appreciate something spicy.

He continued, "Oh! And speaking of which, I just got off the phone with Billy and Jake. They´re coming to dinner as well, if that´s okay."

I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face. Great… just great. Looks like I would have to postpone my self-reflection for a few more hours. I really wished that my father could warn me when he was planning on inviting others. Besides the obvious, how was he to know if I had enough ingredients? I gave him a fake smile that I hoped would pass, "Sounds great," and headed straight to the kitchen.

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BPOV

Billy looked cautious as I presented him with a plate of Thai peanut chicken. I didn´t think it was very exotic, but there wasn´t a Thai restaurant for miles, so it wasn´t a shock that he´d never heard of it. The Phoenix had remained within me.

I didn´t look at Jacob when I passed him his plate. I couldn´t bring myself to because he was looking at me so intently, so lovingly, and the pondering looks of my father had me blushing my least favorite color at the moment. At this rate, Charlie would find out about our new relationship in no time. I didn´t doubt that he would be pleased, in a way. What parent wouldn´t love for their children to be with someone they know and trust? And our family had known the Blacks for longer than I existed. I only vaguely remembered my childhood trips here, seeing Jacob and his sisters. It was hard to imagine that that little boy had grown to be my best friend, and now something more.

Jacob and I ate in silence, myself for obvious reasons, him because he had a cold and every time he inhaled the scent of the spices, he fell into a fit of sneezing. Under other circumstances, it would have been quite funny. Our fathers currently thought it was funny. Little did they know that the day had been quite serious, and we had no room for laughter.

Regardless, Jacob smiled at me, and I was calmed.

Finally, when all remnants of the food were gone and the adults had their attention turned a particularly amazing maneuver on the screen, Jacob whispered to me, "Um… have you… told him yet?"

I was ready to ask what he meant, but a second later I understood. The rise in temperature wasn´t due to Jacob´s proximity this time. "No… I don´t know… I think it might be a little weird."

"Why?" He asked.

Something about his face looked so serious, and hurt. That didn´t make any sense. What did it matter whether my father knew about us? Then I considered the likely possibility that he thought I wouldn´t tell Charlie out of shame.

I took his hand under the chairs where our parents couldn´t see. "Please just trust me… I think it´s better for me if we do this slowly."

He appeared to be thinking for a while, but nodded with a satisfied look about him. "Alright… I think you´re right. You can tell him when you´re ready to."

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EPOV

Alice had been anxious to get back to the house. To my surprise and delight, the rest of the family had already made their way back up to Forks and had a rendezvous at the old house. The debate beginning now was whether or not they were actually back to stay. I had a feeling they would all want to stay, but regardless of their choices, I wasn´t going anywhere. For the first time in months, I knew exactly where I needed and wanted to be, and I wasn´t about to run off again.

When I heard Charlie on the phone with Billy Black about dinner and a football game, I knew that luck wasn´t on my side tonight. Billy mentioned that Bella had just been seen pulling into their driveway, and walking to the garage to find his son. That was unusually hard to hear. I had to wonder why she would be heading over to see Jacob Black after school. And I was disgruntled, because if she had headed home immediately after school she would be in my arms by now. Werewolves were turning into an even bigger problem for my personal life.

As it was, I knew that I would have to wait for Bella to be alone before I met her, and that possibility didn´t exist until the night. Although it was hard to leave Bella´s scent behind, it truly was best to go along with Alice to the old house. I hadn´t seen them in a while and Esme was especially anxious to see me, according to Carlisle.

When I approached the house, I felt oddly happy. For years, our house had been the only place where we could be totally at ease, where we could be ourselves. With Bella, I could be myself even outside of this home, but this house of fragile walls and glass would still always be a place of security for me. I entered the front door only to find my arms suddenly full of my mother, and I smiled. "Hey Mom."

She pulled back to look at me and put my face in her hands. In her mind, she was thinking she hadn´t seen me this happy in a long time. My smile grew. That, I couldn´t deny.

´You have no idea how happy I am to see you.´ She thought.

"Me too," I said, "More than you know."

She embraced me again, and even in her cold body there was the warmth of a mother. I felt guilty for not having contacted them after going to Brazil. I hadn´t realized that beneath the pain of missing Bella, I was missing them too.

My whole family surrounded me then, embracing me, except for Rosalie, of course, who looked on but was still close by. I was passed from person to person and surrounded by them. And it felt good to be home.

"Have you seen her yet?" Carlilse asked.

I was reminded of my anxiety, and sighed. Alice answered for me, "She went to a friend´s house after school."

The look she gave me, as well as the vicious undertones of her thoughts, told me she didn´t like this Jacob too much. I couldn´t blame her. Werewolves were nothing but trouble, and they were determined to hate us even when we had never done them harm. Bella might not like it, but I wasn´t going to let her go on outings alone with a werewolf. She could get seriously hurt. Just like my Bella. Once the vampires are gone, she finds herself yet another predator to hang around. I shook my head. Difficult girl.

Rosalie snorted, "Then perhaps we shouldn´t be celebrating just yet. We don´t even know if she´ll take you back."

"Cut it out, Rose," Esme chided, then soothed, "Of course she will."

She rolled her eyes, "Why did we even bother coming back? Edward is just going to make us leave again."

"I won´t." I replied, "Even if I left again, which I won´t, I couldn´t force you to change your lives just for me. And anyway, I have no intention of going away ever again. I realized that leaving was a mistake. I… suppose I have you to thank for this."

Her face contorted into a scowl and she turned her chin away, but her thoughts were sincere, ´Sorry about the phone call.´

I took care not to let the others know that Rosalie had apologized, letting her keep some of her misplaced dignity. "In the end, I´m glad you called me. It gave me the final push to come back."

She visibly relaxed, but only slightly. It was no secret that she still didn´t like Bella. In my opinion, nothing could come close to Bella, so I could understand, with Rosalie´s vanity, that she would react that way.

When Jasper spoke up, it wasn´t in his thoughts. Unlike Rosalie, he felt no shame in saying what must be said. "Edward… About… Bella´s birthday party… I´m so sorry."

I cringed. That was a memory I wanted to forget. Him saying it reminded me that our very existence was dangerous to her, but I would not be swayed again. "Don´t worry about it, Jasper. We´ll have to be more careful." And then I chuckled, "And keep her in a cushioned room when she comes over."

They laughed lightly. Who would have thought that a little paper cut was dangerous? Perhaps my words weren´t such a bad idea.

I could dwell on the burden I was in her life. I could spend an eternity going through the reasons of why I shouldn´t pursue her, but I would not bring myself to do either. The prospect of seeing her overwhelmed me with joy, and it was all I could do to wait another few hours before rushing back to her house.

When the moment finally came, my family looked like they were sending a child off to their first day of school. Their eyes and thoughts were full of hope and peace. I was finally going to see my Bella, after many long months of agony, and they all could feel my happiness just as clearly as Jasper. Alice looked a little concerned about something, but I couldn´t tell what. In the midst of my goodbyes, I saw Jasper approach her and look questioningly into her eyes, trying to ask her what was wrong even though she couldn´t read his mind. Her thoughts were too scattered for me to figure out what was wrong, but her fear didn´t seem to be anything serious. She seemed more impatient than anything else. She was the last to hug me, and smiled fully, erasing all traces of upset, "Hurry up and go get her. We´re waiting for her."

I smiled back. Alice had had some quality time with Bella in my absence. Now I wasn´t sure if I would be willing to share when it came down to it. With no more to say, I leapt through the window and through the trees.

The sun had set… Twilight.

It was like I didn´t even touch the ground as I soared past trees and hills. I must have gone faster than I ever had in my life. No more waiting. No more delays. No more interruptions. Within moments, I would be with my love again. The ecstasy of that knowledge had me so excited I didn´t even stop at the small lake. I ran across it just as easily as if it were rock. Water splashed behind me, glistening in the moonlight of the waning moon and before the water fell again I was already out of sight.

As I neared her house, I slowed a bit. The neighbors were still awake in their houses. I could easily run past them without them seeing me, but it wasn´t them I was concerned about. The Blacks car was still in the driveway. I was disheartened for a moment, but then listened to the thoughts coming from inside the house. The three men were finishing the football game, but Bella was not in the room. I listened more closely and located the sound of her breathing. I smiled then.

She was sleeping.

It was dangerous to approach this house with the Blacks still inside, but I couldn´t wait anymore. If Jacob could smell me and wished to fight, then I would fight to stay by Bella´s side. I had given them a few hours of time when I should have been with Bella. Now it was my turn.

My fingertips were shaking as I came to the edge of her house, the anticipation having built to a point of totally numbness. My mind tuned out the sounds of crickets and the thoughts of the other people in the nearby area. Normally, it would have been difficult, but my cold heart only ached for Bella.

Her window was open, and I was on the sill within moments.

There she was. There was my Bella. Her face was serene in sleep, her dark hair tangled on the pillows. Her mouth was lightly parted, her warm breath beckoning me even from across the room. Her eyelids fluttered, and I knew she was dreaming now. What battles did she brave in her sleep? What troubles did her mind sort through? When had she ever been so gentle, so delicate, then right now? It was hard to remember that I couldn´t have been dreaming, since I couldn´t dream. I still wondered in the back of my mind that if I reached out to touch her, she would fade away, that I would somehow wake up from this and find myself alone yet again. I hadn´t forgotten the tiniest feature, thanks to my finite memory, but the inevitable changes were still there. I had been gone for many months, and although it was only slight, she had changed. Her body would continue to develop for the next few years. As she grew, she was becoming more beautiful with every moment. My eyes burned with the urge to tear. If I had even a drop of liquid in my body, I was sure that they would have.

And there was.

There is water in blood after all, and seeing as I had just fed, there was a bit of H20 in my system until the blood dissolved. I didn´t even know it was there until I blinked. It wasn´t much, but the tiniest bit of moisture appeared on the lower lid of my eye, not enough to actually form a drop, but a miracle in and of itself. When I let out a laugh, it was more like a sob, but it was exultant. Only my Bella could perform such a miracle.

I made my way to the side of her bed slowly, knowing that I would surely combust if I went any faster. My hands were shaking. I sank down onto her mattress and she turned towards me, tucking her hands beneath her cheek like a child. I had never felt more like a knight in shining armor now as I gazed at my sleeping beauty. I wanted very much kiss her awake, just like they did in the storybooks, but doing such a thing didn´t ever seem right. And besides, I wanted to look into her eyes before I kissed her. I wanted to hear her voice, I wanted to touch her.

That was doable. My hand was still shaking when I lifted it, but it was stable enough to try sometime. Delicately, the ends of my fingers brushed her hair. I twisted some strands around my finger like I was toying with the hair of a porcelain doll. Soon, I had all my fingers buried in her hair. The softness of it had me sobbing with happiness, though I couldn´t produce any actual tears more than that tiny trace of moisture.

I whispered her name into the darkness, "Bella…"

The sound rolled off my tongue slowly, like honey. Bella… Even in my mind, her name sounded like honey. I contented myself with the feel of her softness and the memories of the countless nights I had spent with her, just like this. I knew by hearing the thoughts of her father that we would receive no interruptions. I could kiss her and murmur sweet nothings in her ear as long as I pleased. I visualized the shock on her face, a few tears of joy that I would wipe away in haste, taking her into my arms and never letting anything pry her away, finally home. Home was here, with my Bella.

"I´m home, Bella," No truer words were ever spoken, except for the following, "I love you."

She shifted a little and her eyes fluttered rapidly, but she stayed asleep. Had she heard me even in her dreams? Even after all these months, did she still dream of me? I so selfishly wanted it to be so. If I could dream, there wouldn´t be a minute when I wouldn´t dream of her.

Building up a bit more emotional strength, I leaned forward, burying my nose and mouth into her hair. The hand tangled in her hair suddenly held on even tighter. I shook with a sob. How was it possible that I had left her the first time? How had I ever been able to find the strength to let her go? Right now, if I let go of her, I would fall into pieces. You might call it an exaggeration, but I just knew it to be true. My soul could not take any more separation from its mate.

As much as I wanted to listen to her sleep, I had to wake her up. I had to tell her the truth, I had to resolve myself, and I had to kiss her again. My determination to not kiss her in sleep was slipping away already. I lowered my mouth to her ear and murmured a little louder, in that voice that made her blush every time, "Bella… Wake up… I´ve come back."

I gave in a little bit and kissed her forehead. I couldn´t stop myself. At least the coldness of my skin might wake her. She began to stir. A moan escaped her lips. Her body was fighting to stay asleep. I giggled and took her hand in mine, pressing it lightly to my cheek. I nuzzled against her skin for a moment before turning to plant another kiss on her palm. `That belongs to you,´ I thought, ´And it always will.´

Her breathing changed, became deeper. I could feel the muscles in her hand tensing as she came out of her paralyzed sleeping state. Just a few more moments…

The knock on the door was so loud that I nearly jumped back. Idiot! I was so focused on her I forgot there were other people in the house, and behind that door was none other than Jacob Black. The door creaked open. I just had enough time to drop Bella´s hand before I leapt up into the shadows of her room. I could only pray that he didn´t turn on the lights. Shit! Even so, he was sure to smell me right away!

"Bella," he said as he peaked into the room, then a look of mild shock came over his face as he looked at Bella.

At that very moment, Bella turned her head towards him and opened her eyes. It was hard not to breathe as I caught sight of her eyes. They were heavy with fatigue, but her eyes still sparkled. The cloud of sleep had yet to fade from them.

Jacob retreated slightly, "Sorry. I didn´t know you had gone to sleep already."

"No..." Her voice came out groggy, so she cleared her throat, "It´s okay. Come in."

I could have cursed out loud, regardless of the presence of a lady, as he walked into her room. Surely I wasn´t to be denied my time with her again. And what did this Jacob think he was, waltzing up to her room like this? It wasn´t proper. Then I winced, knowing that since I broke up with her, I didn´t really have the right to come through her window either. I put that thought aside for now. All that mattered was that the werewolf left. He was still too dangerous to be around my Bella.

He sat on the edge of her bed just like I had, only on the opposite side. Why in the world hadn´t he smelled me?

Bella turned to look up at him sweetly. Her human eyes wouldn´t have been able to detect me, but it was like she was looking at me when she smiled.

"I was just coming up to say goodnight. If I had known you´d already gone to sleep, I would have left you alone."

Bella yawned. She was still clearly very tired, and struggling to keep awake, "It´s okay… Have a safe drive home."

He smiled lightly. I didn´t like how he was looking at her. Not one bit.

"I don´t want you to feel ashamed. You know that, right?"

What in blazes was he talking about now?

"I´m not… It´s just… not expected, even for me."

"I know… but I still think you´re doing the right thing, and I promise I´ll take care of you."

Good grief, were any of them going to clue me in on the conversation.

She nodded. He put his hand on her hair and I was about to snarl. Before I could, Jacob turned away and sneezed. Ah. There was my answer. He had a cold. No wonder he couldn´t detect me.

He sniffled, "Sorry."

"You´re still sick. You should go home and rest too."

"Will do."

Her eyes were fluttering shut, but she fought to keep her eyes open, "Jacob?"

"Hm?"

"For what it´s worth, I´m glad for having you in my life. I really am."

My heart tightened. I didn´t like the words. I didn´t like the sweetness in her voice when she said it. What kind of friendship was this that they spoke to each other in such a way, that this werewolf would sneak into her room to say goodnight?

What happened next I would forever wish to erase from my memory. There was never a moment I wanted to forget more than when Jacob bent his head and kissed Bella… my precious, dearest Bella… on the lips, and when for whatever reason, she didn´t flinch away from him, but pressed her lips back against his own.

When I said before that I would come undone, this was nothing like how I imagined it to be. I had quite literally envisioned my body falling apart into pieces, becoming weightless. This was far worst. Instead of weightless, my whole body became heavy. Instead of my limbs crumbling, my insides did, rotting away as though acid had been poured down my throat by the gallons. The pain and rage were so powerful I didn´t think I could possibly emerge from them.

I couldn´t bring myself to breathe as I watched this scene unfold. I didn´t even know if I could. Had I not felt Bella´s warmth in my hands not moments ago, I would have been certain that I had somehow died. This agony could only be death. Any breath I could inhale was wasted energy. I was dead.

He ran his hand over her cheek, and my whole body trembled. My vision was blurring but I forced myself to keep watching. No matter how much it hurt. She would stop this. She didn´t want this. ´Push away, Bella,´ my heart pleaded, ´Push him away from you.´

She didn´t. She leaned into his touch, and smiled. She actually smiled at the werewolf´s touch, a smile that used to be only mine. At the moment, I learned that heartbreak was neither an exaggeration nor a metaphor. I had a clear enough sense of my own body, and my heart was being shredded through. Whether an hallucination or not, I could feel it coming apart in strips of blood, as though I had any blood to give for this injury.

He pulled away, but it was too late to save my heart. They smiled sweetly at each other and for the first time in 100 years I felt ill. I wanted so much to crush him in my hands and at the same time I wanted to cower away from this, so I could only do nothing. He slipped away and shut the door. My Bella was already asleep.

I dropped to the floor, but was on my knees before I knew it, by her side, searching her face for a reason why she would do such a thing. How could she betray me like this?

No… She wasn´t to blame. This was my fault, wasn´t it? It always was. Bella only had done what I told her to do… She´d moved on. She´d done good by herself. Who was I to assume that she would be here waiting for me like some pet? I was disgusting for even having considered that she would welcome me back with open arms.

I pressed my face into the edge of the mattress and cried, so silently she wouldn´t hear it even in her dreams. I should have been happy. My Bella had found happiness, even if he was a werewolf. She had found someone to take care of her, someone who I knew had feelings for her. I could tell just by looking at his face. He looks just like I feel whenever I look at her. So why in God´s name couldn´t I feel happy right now? But I knew why. I had been so naïve, so hopeful that we would be able to start off right where we left off. Coming home to her had been a joy I hadn´t known for half a year. I had been so blissfully happy to find her again. Now any hope I had for my own happiness was gone.

And could I leave her to a relationship with a dangerous animal? Did I even have the right anymore to keep her away from the werewolf? With a wince, I knew that the answer was no. I had no say over her life. To force her away from her relationship because of what Jacob might do would only break her again. If I could be certain that Jacob could be trusted, maybe I could be at peace with that.

But Bella was happy. That was enough, wasn´t it? I turned my head and looked at her sleeping face. She must have been dreaming happy dreams. Her lips were curved into a smile, and she sighed. She was so precious to me, and I knew in that moment that I would suffer for the rest of my endless existence if she could have a human lifetime of happiness. Yes, my pain was worth it. Everything was worth it for her.

There was nothing I wouldn´t do for her sake. Her safety, her happiness… I would have given away the whole world for her. If he would make her smile, I would pluck the stars from the sky and present them to her. If I could do that, if I could do the impossible, then I could do this. I could let Bella go.

I tried to get up, I tried to look away from her, but I couldn´t. Leaving was hard enough the first time, and now I was doing it all over again. And I would never get the chance to tell her how I felt, how I really felt…

"Bella…" I sobbed, "I love you… I love you so much."

It would have to do. It was the only thing I had to give her.

She wasn´t my Bella anymore.

To be continued…

Wait a minute while I wipe away some tears… Okay then. I was hoping I could get farther with this, but with that comes next it´s too hard for me to get the breaks right. This chapter was quite sad, but I think the next one will be significantly happier. It took me longer than I thought to write this chapter. I felt like I had to get it just write, so I rewrote it many times.

Oh, and about the tear thing. I figure that they should be able to tear since blood has water in it, but who am I to make up physics for a mythical creature. I just felt like putting it in because he´s too unsatisfying when someone cries but has no tears.

Please continue to let me know how I am doing. I am quite distressed at the number of reviews. It´s the smallest amount I´ve ever gotten for the number of chapters :( so please take a second to say something. Even an "I love/hate it" will do. I´ll be up with another happier chapter in a few days. xoxoxoxo