XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

by Guttersnipe

Staring at the script, a pervasive sinking feeling swept through Sasuke. "You're actually serious, aren't you?" "Oh, I'm always serious about my porn, Sasuke. That's just not something you joke about." "I'm not acting in your porno, you sick, sick man."

4. Chapter 4

XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Guttersnipe's Foreword: Holy crap! It took me long enough! See, this is what happens when I make 'promises' and 'timelines;' Life tosses its cookies all over me and then stares at me strangely and asks, "Did I do that?" Siiigghhh. Well, here you go.

Chapter 4

That night, they were prepared to expose Harusato's lie and free themselves from the annoying pest's service.

Just prior to the daimyo retiring for the night, Kakashi had sent Sasuke into his rooms to remove and replace all odorous items with non-pungent substances. The two attacks they had been present for had both entailed supposedly accidental strong odours that prevented them from tracking whoever was in the room by scent. And with no other clue to go by, they were completely stymied. Not this time, though! Oh no. There would be no smelly stonewalling tonight!

Colognes and sprays were replaced with coloured water. Potpourris and other herbal concoctions were replaced with random foliage they had looted from the flourishing gardens about the castle. He would never know the difference just by looking. Once Harusato was in bed, Sai would send his ink mice into the room. If a foreign being entered, they would know. They might have used the technique earlier, but had opted to preserve the daimyo's privacy—that consideration was out the window now, of course. However, they fully anticipated that the black rodents would spy nothing more than Harusato overturning things and inflicting minor damage upon himself, all part of his elaborate ruse, to what end, they were still unclear. Whatever he was up to, he was lucky he hadn't been sent a team with a Hyuuga onboard. His little game would have been undone the very first night.

Alas, whether by Harusato's choice to take one night's respite from his game or by the mysterious attackers' decision to terrorize someone else—they still weren't clear on which—there was no incident that night.

They hoped and waited with bated breath. But when the sky's light overpowered the stars, they knew it was not to be. None of the other attacks had occurred during daylight hours. Tonight would be no different.

Not one of the Konoha-nin were pleased about it. They faced the day red-eyed and raw-nerved, knowing they still had to coddle the creepy little otaku.

Some tension left them when they realized that their comrades would be arriving soon to share in their misery. But until then, they had His Loserness to ward.

---

The entire day was dedicated to long, never-ending meetings that were filled with long-winded speeches by men with droning voices. The occasional disagreement arose, but they were quelled in a boring and unexciting fashion, just like the rest of the negotiations. Government-related talk, that's what all of it was. Boring reports, incomprehensible proposals, and irritating filibustering that could bore the most avid politician to tears. It must have then been inhumane torture for a sixteen-year-old shinobi otaku to sit through and be expected to participate in. Team Kakashi certainly hoped it was, in any case. Yes. Let the little creep-o suffer.

Though they had to listen to the ceaseless yammering in the meeting hall, they were not terribly focused on it. Their attention was mainly diverted outward, at any potential evil-doer who might approach. Not that they expected any, but they could not let down their guard until all was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so they stood guard; shadows within shadows as invisible sentries awaiting a never-to-be-seen foe.

---

Late afternoon brought the mind-numbed daimyo respite from the rigours of political life by signalling an end to the day's proceedings. Naruto felt it could have lasted longer. The kid clearly enjoyed abusing his power, he should have to perform more nobly for it, not just have it handed to him so easily. He may have been a reclusive, loserish, basement dweller, but somehow Harusato still managed to be too proud and self-involved to be pitied. The guy so needed to be taken down a few pegs. How to do that without getting thrown in jail or worse was an answer that had yet to present itself to Naruto's questing mind.

Normally, he would simply shout at the guy, maybe punch him in the face once, and things would work out. But being older and a tad-bit wiser made Naruto realize such was not always the case. A nut-job like their client wasn't changed with personal testimonials and a speech regarding some variation of the topic of 'bonds.' No. He needed something far less refined; something truly crushing.

Still, what that something was eluded the jinchuuriki.

"Kakashi-senpai! Everyone!" a male voice shouted from the lower steps they were passing.

Turning to the entranceway, Naruto's eyes widened to glittering blue pools, as his excitement overflowed at who he saw.

"Sakura-chan!" he shouted in greeting, though he stood not six feet from the girl. "Yamato-taichou! You're who baa-chan sent to back us up?!"

"You think that's why they're here, dobe?" Sasuke grumbled, rolling his eyes.

Naruto turned flat eyes to him. "Do you have to pick at everything I say? Can't you just let a few go?"

The Uchiha's brow furrowed in brief thought, before he shook his head and replied, "No. That would be like leaving a pebble in my sandal when I'm walking. It's far too annoying for me to leave it be."

"So, I'm a pebble to you?"

"Yes."

"Well, you know what you are to me? A—"

"I think I can accurately guess what you're going to say."

"Oh really? You knew I was going to say that you're a swell guy and a dear friend, dattebayo?" Naruto's boyish face was the picture of honesty, though he was fighting a smile at Sasuke's overly stoic expression—the guy looked like he had just eaten chalk.

"You are the biggest dork I know," he finally said, a strange quirk playing at the corner of his mouth that told his blonde companion he was suppressing an amused smile.

"Dork or not, it still made you feel warm and fuzzy right here, didn't it, teme?" Naruto said, tapping his chest and grinning teasingly. "Waaarrm and fuzzy!"

"Dobe, please try to control your man-crush."

"Ain't no stopping love, teme."

"Tch... This is your true calling in life. Annoying the sanity out of everyone you meet."

"It is surprisingly fulfilling," Naruto nodded, contemplation upon his face. "I don't know about it being my true calling, but it certainly is a fun pastime. And it's definitely better than having a life's purpose of killing people." He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Something to think about, dattebayo."

"Hn."

Back with Yamato and Sakura, Kakashi was almost done updating them on the current situation. As soon as the Copy-nin had described the first incident, both ninja were harbouring misgivings and by this time they were seriously troubled.

"Senpai," Yamato interrupted, his expression heavy. "This sounds like you've got a case of an otaku, rather than a true mission. You must have realized that already."

A sheepish countenance overtook the greyhead, as he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly and replied, "Yes, I have. I've considered this to be the case since yesterday."

Sakura stared at her sensei with wide, incredulous eyes. "Then why the heck did you send for backup?!"

"I was in a no-win position," Kakashi explained, holding up his hands in defence as the kunoichi's ire rose fifteen degrees. "If I refused, we would have had an angry daimyo on our hands. Tsunade-sama would have pretty much exiled us for that. And considering how much he wanted more ninja here, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had contracted another village while retaining our services. It would have gotten unnecessarily complicated." He shook his head. "This was the best route to take. I'm sorry you lost your time off over something like this. When I requested a medic, I didn't think Tsunade-sama would send you."

She rolled her eyes and huffed silently as she let go of her anger. "Mmhmm. Whatever. Couldn't you have just faked a call for backup?"

"I would have, but I didn't know if I'd be able to prove his guilt before the fake backup was supposed to arrive, in which case, he would have found out that I lied, and that's never good, you know." He trailed off with an awkward chuckle.

"Honestly? This is the worst mission I have ever been on," Sakura commented, shaking her head at it all. "This isn't even a mission. This is a punishment. I don't know for what, but that's the only thing it can be."

"I don't think any of us are happy about being here," Yamato interjected, his face the picture of disappointment. "I mean, I could be on a solo mission instead of playing unneeded backup; I'd be making so much more money for it, too."

Sakura cocked her head slightly as she studied the captain anew. "You never struck me as a moneygrubber."

He shrugged unapologetically. "I'm a practical person. There's nothing more practical than money. It can get you anything."

"Money can't buy love, Yamato-taichou," Naruto interjected, as he wandered over to them.

"But it can buy things that will help you forget that you lack love." He gestured at Kakashi's porn as the Copy-nin waved it in demonstration, a grin on his face.

"That's sad," Naruto and Sakura blurted out, shaking their heads at their pathetic superiors.

"You kids know nothing of the ways of the world," Yamato muttered under his breath.

"Well," Kakashi sighed, straightening his posture and tucking his book away. "I suppose I ought to show you to the young lord. He'll want to see his new pawns, after all."

"Hey, hey!" Naruto nudged Kakashi insistently, his face serious. "You'll make it a quick in-and-out deal, right?"

"What are you so anxious about?"

Blue eyes cast a cautious look back at Sakura before turning back. "We don't want that creep-o eyeing her up! He's gross!" A vicious cringe of distaste contorted Naruto's features, just to emphasize his point.

Having overheard Naruto's not-so-private message to their teacher, Sakura stepped closer and asked, "Why? What's wrong with him?"

"He has a disturbing obsession with us, especially with you." Naruto shuddered, recalling the tea party of a few days ago, where Harusato had expressed such disappointment with Sakura not being there.

She quirked her pink eyebrows at her blonde friend's words. "So he's a geek with too much time on his hands. So what? I mean, I am a ninja. I could snap him in two with one hand if he tried something funny."

"That's not it. It's the principle! The idea of him looking at you!" He clucked his tongue and shook his head. "It's unacceptable!"

"What's so bad about looking at people?"

"You're not a guy; you wouldn't understand," Naruto mumbled. "We never just look, dattebayo."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked in a voice that was low and cold.

Not catching his friend's bristled disposition, he bluntly explained, "There's always more going on down there than there is up here." He tapped his temple. "When we look at something that information goes straight from our eyes to our crotches and then it goes to our brains. It's a very particular process. And it cannot be bypassed." He shook his head. "That's why that guy looking at you is just nasty."

She stared at him with a look of plain disgust. "You all think like that?"

"Yeah."

Kakashi and Yamato absently nodded along, but thankfully went largely unnoticed by the pinkhead.

"Guys are sick! You're all perverts!"

"I know! I've been saying that all along, dattebayo," Naruto insisted, nodding along. "I accept that part of me. Not all of us are so comfortable with our true selves." He cast a meaningful look back at Sasuke, who pretended he hadn't heard anything the other male had said. "So, you be careful in there, Sakura-chan."

"I hope you know that I will never feel comfortable around males again, thanks to you," she said bluntly, giving him a queer look.

"Then my work here is done," he answered with a self-accomplished nod.

Stepping forward with a silent sigh, Kakashi spoke, "Well, let's get in there, then." He gestured at the entranceway and began walking toward it. The two newcomers followed behind, reluctance evident in the rigidness of their shoulders.

Watching them go, Naruto was more focused on his teammate who was brooding by his lonesome further back from the doorway behind him. A malicious grin split his lips before he wiped it away with a contemplative look, finger to chin and eyes cast upward in question.

"Hmmm. I wonder when I should tell Sakura-chan about your porn addiction," he murmured thoughtfully, resisting the urge to grin at the violent seething reaction his words spurred in the other male.

"Naruto."

"Oh?" He spun about, a look of surprise overtaking his features, as though Sasuke had just caught him off-guard in deep thought, innocent as ever. "Did you want me to keep it to myself just a bit longer? Because I could do that for you. Provided you behave like a good doggie-go-fetch should, of course."

Dark eyes narrowed on laughing blue ones. "You're planning on humiliating me," Sasuke spoke lowly.

Naruto chuckled easily and shook a hand in denial. "No, no! I'm simply planning on having you obey my every whim until I deem that you have served the worth of my blackmail material, dattebayo."

The Uchiha scoffed. "You know, you don't even really have anything on me. All you have is your word, which will never be enough to convince Sakura of anything other than that you're a moron."

"Questioning my Almighty-ness and insulting me! Wow, you're really asking for me to completely alienate you from Sakura-chan, aren't you?"

"You can't even—"

"I can even do that, mon frère! Because I have these!" With a snapping flourish, Naruto displayed the three pictures that Sasuke kept hidden in his kunai pouch...only they were slightly altered. Okay, very altered. Sasuke could feel the colour rise in his cheeks when he realized that he had been staring too long at the photos.

"Ha! See?! You do like porn!" Naruto shouted triumphantly, shaking the no-longer-G-rated pictures at his blushing friend.

"What did you..." His thought processes were in jumbles, and he shook his head slightly to sort them out. "No. How did you get them from me and what did you do to them?!" he snapped angrily.

"Pfft!" Naruto rolled his eyes, insulted. "Like it's hard! All I had to do was wait for you to fall asleep and start having your R-rated dreams and then sneak on over to you, give you the old reach around, and then I had my hands on your dirty little secret."

A cringe of disgust bent Sasuke's face. He rubbed his temple as he tiredly spoke, "Dobe, in the future, could you strive to consider your words before you speak them? The inadvertent innuendos you manage to put into your words is just staggering."

"Only pervs find innuendo in everything."

"Naruto, as far as you're concerned, only perverts breathe air."

"So true," the blonde nodded sagely.

A sigh puffed out of Sasuke. This was getting messy. Those pictures... They might very well be the death of him. "How did you get them to look like...that?" he demanded, gesturing in distaste at the paper in Naruto's hand. "They were completely normal pictures and you defaced them."

Naruto shrugged. "I just hopped onto our esteemed geek lord's computer and Photoshopped them together with some porn pics I found! This 'Internet' thing is quite handy, dattebayo."

"Why would you do that?!"

"To prove that you're a sick, sick man."

"That only proves that you're a sick, sick man!"

"Nuh-uh! You like these pictures! See?!" He waved them in Sasuke's face again, causing the Uchiha's face to burn red. "I have proven that you like pornographic material!"

"I do not!"

"You're blushing!"

"Anyone would blush if you threw that in their face! Only someone who's used to seeing it would be unfazed."

"No! You like these pictures! Your eyes keep following them!"

"Because you keep shoving them in my face!"

"No! It's because you want to look at them more! You like naked pictures of Sakura-chan! You're so gross, teme! You sicko!" He shot Sasuke a purely reproachful look, not unlike the ones Iruka-sensei once used on Naruto himself when he was acting particularly incorrigible.

"Who's the one who made those photos, you retard?" Sasuke shot back, scowling deeply as his face flamed at the sight of the objects in question. "You Photoshopped your teammate's picture into a porn scene?! That's as depraved as making actual porn! You're disgusting!"

"I did it to prove a point!"

"Yet you've proven nothing and violated Sakura's dignity."

"Dignity?!" Naruto snorted. "You're the one who was doing her in your dreams! And I have so proven my point! You liked it! You did! Admit it, Sasuke! You liked it and you wish I'd shove them in your face again!"

As he had done on many occasions that week, Sai chose this inopportune moment to show up, coming around just in time to hear Naruto's exclamation of, "You liked it! You did!" and the comments following. Having remained at his post, watching the daimyo, at the time that Yamato and Sakura had arrived, he took their presence with Kakashi before Harusato as a cue to take a break and had headed toward his other comrades to see what they were up to. He had read that spending some extra time with one's peers and engaging in what was known as 'banter' with them was a prime strategy in cultivating trust and familiarity. So, Sai had taken it upon himself to test the theory and made certain he dropped in on his teammates when other duties were non-pressing. The results, as of yet, had been perplexing, to say the least. Whenever he found Naruto and Sasuke, they were always in some private conversation or situation that Sai then, following the book's recommendations, elected to comment on. However, every time he did so, the other males always reacted angrily. He was merely calling it as he saw it, yet they always insisted he was wrong. Sai was confused by this and now, having walked into yet another situation that seemed blatantly sexual in nature—"You liked it and you wish I'd shove them in your face again!" seemed pretty straightforward to him—he decided to speak his mind.

"I'm sorry. I simply do not understand how you can expect me to believe that you two are not intimate when you have such conversations." He shook his head, at a loss. "Either you are being untruthful or the books I have been reading on intimate human interaction are lying. I'm inclined to believe it is the former, considering what I have seen these past few days."

"Sai. Shut up," Naruto snapped, whirling around to glare at the ROOT member, the look a mirror of Sasuke's. "Maybe your books aren't lying, but neither are we, dattebayo. Books can't teach you everything. I read a book once—"

"You what?!"

"Shut up, teme! I read a book once that had this guy in it who ordered a pizza and fifteen minutes later this girl pizza delivery guy showed up, they made some hot comments to each other, and they ended up doing it. But when I tried that, I got freaking maced, man. I mean, for one, there are no girl pizza delivery guys! They're all dudes. And I mean all of them. Even the ones who look like girls." He cringed slightly as both Sai and Sasuke looked on with blank faces. "And his pizza was delivered in fifteen minutes! You never get your pizza in fifteen minutes! What a blatant lie! So don't take everything you read at face value. It's not always true, dattebayo." He nodded to himself, arms akimbo, so self-assured anyone would be hard-pressed to doubt him.

Silence. There was nothing but silence as Sai's processor beeped and stored that valuable bit of data for future reference.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was staring at his friend with dull eyes and a slack jaw. He remembered Naruto's altercation with the extremely effeminate pizza delivery guy. The blonde's face had been inflamed for the next few days from the mace; he couldn't really hide what had happened. Apparently he had gotten his bright idea from—where else?—one of Jiraiya's books.

"Dobe..." Sasuke began, about to ridicule Naruto for being so dense. But a fatigue stole over him as he thought on how many times he had and would have to berate the blonde for his idiocy and he stopped. He simply couldn't do it anymore. "No. Never mind. I give up," he sighed, shaking his head slightly.

Then he noticed it: Naruto was barely holding onto the pictures. Sai's arrival had evidently distracted the jinchuuriki and he was no longer clutching the filthy evidence as he had been before. Sasuke could snatch them away.

And he did just that. In a blur of movement, the dark nin was there and back in an instant, the incriminating evidence in his possession. Naruto yelped in slight annoyance that Sasuke had gotten the pictures from him, but could do nothing to stop the ball of fire that consumed them a second later.

As the smoke cleared, Sasuke cast a triumphant sneer at his rival/best friend. But he was met with a smug smirk and mischievously twinkling blue eyes that caused his gloat-fest to falter.

"You really think I didn't make copies?" Naruto hummed in an overly pleasant voice. "Dear, naive Sasuke-chan. You should know me better than that, by now."

Sasuke's previously proud expression quickly melted into a resentful glare, as he realized he was back to square one and there was simply no getting away from it.

"I tell you what, teme," Naruto suddenly spoke, leaning forward to be understood perfectly. "I'll make you a deal. If you can have a talk with Sakura-chan without insulting or offending her—that is, if you can make her happier after your conversation than she was before it—I'll stop holding this over you and it'll be like none of this ever happened."

Sasuke stared at the other male for a moment of cynical contemplation. "You'll stop trying to blackmail me if I can make Sakura happy by talking to her?" he clarified.

"Yep." A crooked grin lit Naruto's face. "I won't bring it up again and this will all be but another unpleasant blip in your dreary life. That's a pretty generous deal, no?"

"What's the catch?"

"No catch."

Sasuke scoffed. "There's always a catch in your propositions."

"Not this time." Naruto shook his head, that crooked grin still in place.

"Now that is pretty generous," the Uchiha commented, eyeing his teammate with a calculating look.

"Well, the situation is pretty impossible!" the blonde answered with a chuckle. "I mean, even when she didn't get pissed at you for talking, you still almost always managed to bring her spirits down in some manner after talking to her." He cast a dubious look at Sasuke and the dark-haired nin got the distinct feeling that Naruto was looking down on him from upon a very high horse. "If you can pull this off, it will be a miracle, dattebayo," he finished, shaking his head.

The other male rolled his eyes. "Your confidence is heart-warming."

"Hey. I'm just telling it like it is. I don't put my money on a dead horse."

He cocked an eyebrow while his face creased. "I'm a dead horse in this scenario? Meaning I haven't got a shot in hell?"

"Oh, Sasuke," Naruto tsked, shaking his head again. That infuriating, placating smile was curving his lips as he explained, "Even a dead horse has a shot at winning. It could be brought back to life by some miracle. Remember, I mentioned the miracle? It could happen. I just don't bet on miracles...where you and talking are involved."

For a few silent moments, the two shinobi stared back at each other, one smiling in deceptive innocence, the other with a heavy look of contemplation upon his face. Sai watched them with avid interest, though outwardly he appeared bored. If he ever came to understand what the heck went on in a normal person's mind, he would feel accomplished and proud of his growth. But if he ever came to understand what the heck went on in these guys' minds, he was certain he would wish dearly that he hadn't.

"You had better be serious about this, dobe," Sasuke finally spoke.

"Oh, I am, teme!" the blonde replied cheerily. "After all, this should be very interesting. I may not be one to bet on a dead horse, but I'm sure it will be interesting to watch a dead horse try to win a race."

"Stop calling me a dead horse."

"I will when you prove that you're not one. Fulfill your end of the deal and you're a dead horse no more. You'll be an alive horse. Alive and kicking--"

"Seriously. Stop with the metaphor. It's... You've played it long enough."

"Sounds like someone's just jealous of my mad metaphor skillz."

"Sounds like someone's a retard."

"Oh? You want to keep that up, do you?" Naruto's cheery eyes turned challenging as he whipped out another copy of the porn pics. "As soon as Sakura-chan gets back here, I'm showing her these pictures, dattebayo."

"Tch!" Sasuke hissed, scowling darkly.

"Now, what do you say?" the other male drawled, raising his blonde brows in expectation.

"..."

"Teme?"

"..."

"'I'm so very sorry, Naruto-sama.' That's what I'm looking for here," Naruto huffed, shaking his head as he tut tutted. "Geez, I just keep helping you out! I'm such a nice guy. Now, let's hear it."

"..."

"Teme." He waved the pictures again, in warning.

Some incoherent mumbling sounded from Sasuke, almost drowned out by the gnashing of his teeth as his jaw clenched spasmodically.

"I didn't quite catch that," Naruto hummed, making a show of leaning closer and putting a hand to his ear to listen better.

With a red glow in his dark eyes, Sasuke slowly choked out, "...I'm...(not) very sorry, Naruto-(baka)sama."

Not hearing the muttered words that made Sasuke's sentence the direct opposite of what he was expecting, Naruto smiled brightly, and not with a little condescension, as he exclaimed, "Oh! You're forgiven, Sasuke! I'm just happy that you saw your mistake and apologized for it! You're really growing up."

There was no reply from the Uchiha, only the harsh grinding of teeth and a menacing aura that the blonde was apparently naturally impervious to.

---

Within the castle, Kakashi, Yamato, and Sakura were ushered into the same room Team Seven had met the daimyo in on the first day of their mission. And just as before, the young lord sat before them, attempting aloof disinterest and failing miserably in his endeavours.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi greeted the youth. "The backup you requested has arrived."

The sun was shining from Harusato's eyes, his face was so aglow. "Ah, the mysterious ANBU captain and Mokuton no Jutsu user, Yamato. And the lone female member of Team Kakashi, medic and disciple of the formidable Godaime herself, Haruno Sakura." He didn't even attempt to be surreptitious as he 'studied' the kunoichi before him. His eyes traveled and hovered over her body, leaving Sakura feeling rather unclean.

She narrowed her eyes on the younger male, crossing her arms across her chest in a move to protect herself. What a creep! She was here to work, and it was not that kind of work.

"Yes, well," Kakashi began again. "I hope this will put your mind at ease now."

"Mmm... Easy...? Sadly, I don't think she is..." the daimyo murmured absently, dreamy eyes seeing more of Sakura in his mind than she would ever feel comfortable showing.

"What did he just say?" she hissed, eyes wide.

"Please unclench you fists, Sakura," Yamato whispered back. "He's our client; we cannot harm him."

"No. We can harm him. We just shouldn't."

"True. But don't. We're all uncomfortable here."

She gave him a look that basically smacked him in the face with cynicism.

"Okay. Yes, none of us have it as bad as you."

She nodded her acknowledgment.

Casting a gauging look back at the simmering woman behind him, Kakashi decided to speed the meeting along. "We have work to do, so we will leave you to yours, Matsudaira-sama."

That seemed to snap him out of his absent fantasy, as he looked back and forth between the ninja. "Ahh... Work. Yes. Excellent. Uhh... Sakura-san?"

The kunoichi's head snapped up at hearing her name, wary eyes cutting into the geek who was so obviously attempting to be suave and intriguing by striking a nonchalant pose and willing his eyes to be deep and smouldering, but that just resulted in him looking constipated while trying desperately not to show his discomfort.

She didn't bother hiding her cringe—the kid was thicker than Naruto and Kiba combined. Resigned to the knowledge that she couldn't just ignore him and leave, Sakura replied, "Yes, Matsudaira-sama?"

A very obvious shiver shimmied up and down the daimyo's spine at the sound of her saying his name. The self-satisfied grin on his face was sickening, making the pinkhead want to give him a punch that would knock a few of those braced teeth loose.

"Ah, Sakura-san," Harusato said in a voice that was substantially deeper than his normal cracky pubescent tone. "I hate to trouble you," he continued, conspicuously aloof, "but, you see, I was injured during the last attempt on my life and have need of your...healing hands." The innuendo in his words was glaringly obvious, and if it hadn't been, his wiggling eyebrows would have made it clear themselves.

"She's taken her Hippocratic Oath, right?" Yamato hissed in Kakashi's ear, watching the irritated kunoichi approach the oblivious daimyo with morbid interest.

"I think so," the greyhead hummed back, watching the same scene with an alert gaze. "Though that hasn't saved her other inappropriate patients in the past. I believe she thinks that if they violate her rights, her oath of 'Do no harm' no longer applies."

"Well, I can follow that line of reasoning," Yamato nodded.

"Aa. But that really can't happen here." Casting one more look at a tightly-wound Sakura, who was grudgingly tending to the lacerations on Harusato's arm while he failed at secretly staring at her, trying to cover his winces and yelps of pain by stretching and flexing his other chicken wing-arm like some bodybuilder, he made a judgement call.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi called to the distracted teen.

"Hmm?" he hummed back, eyes glued to Sakura's face.

Kakashi sighed internally at the sight. Goodness knew this was probably the closest the kid had ever gotten to a girl—and probably would ever get, for that matter—and having a woman as pretty as Sakura that close would distract most young males, but hadn't he ever heard of tact? Harusato was just one of an entire generation of guys who were completely without that vital skill known as voyeurism. It was an intrinsic part of being a Playa.

It's a lost art, he mused.

"Yamato-taichou will remain here until Sakura has completed healing you."

"Me?!" the ANBU hissed. "If you're expecting me to keep her from flipping out at him, we might as well just hand her a kunai and say, 'Go ahead.'"

"Oh, that's not necessary," the daimyo responded absently. "I'm sure you have other things to do. We'll be fine alone." He fought a giggle and ended up snorting, which was even worse, though he pretended it didn't happen by taking a sip of his self-brewed tea—which he made a point to tell the kunoichi about. Yes. His two hobbies were being a shinobi otaku and brewing his own tea. You could not accuse the kid of being closed-minded.

"Actually, regulations dictate that a medic must be warded by another shinobi while they are healing others. A medic is most vulnerable when they are using medical jutsu, due to the concentration and chakra used, and there's also the patient's safety to consider." It was only a half-lie. Regulations did dictate such, but this situation didn't really call for it. He paused and asked in a lowered voice, "You really can't handle her yourself?"

"Senpai, she is the embodiment of everything I fear in this world," Yamato whispered sharply. "If I didn't associate with her for work, I would cross to the other side of the street if I saw her there."

Kakashi stared at him for a short moment, as though meeting him for the first time. "I never knew you were such a wimp, Tenzou."

"Please use 'Yamato,'" the captain sighed, casting another look over at their client and Sakura. "I don't want that obsessive kid knowing my real name." Turning back to the greyhead, he gave the man a reproachful look as he continued, "And you're not one to talk. It's just that instead of cowering in fear when she blows up, you zone out and go to your happy place until the storm blows over. In a sense, that's more cowardly than what I do; at least I acknowledge my fear."

Yamato would have thought that Kakashi had ignored what he said, if the Copy-nin's next words hadn't been, "So, Tenzou here will be staying, while I go tend to other things, Matsudaira-sama."

The young lord stared back at them with a frowning face. "Who's Tenzou?"

"Oh, that's just Yamato-taichou's real name," Kakashi answered breezily, pointedly ignoring the slack-jawed look of betrayed disbelief said man was giving him. "It actually annoys him to be called Yamato."

"Oh, really?" Turning to the ANBU captain, Harusato said, "I apologize, Tenzou-san. I will remember to address you properly," after which he squealed in pain and tried to cover it up with a sneeze, to which Sakura rolled her eyes, as the medic bandaged a tiny abrasion on his shoulder.

"Not at all, Matsudaira-sama," Yamato replied. He turned deadened eyes on his retreating comrade and hissed after him, "The lowest circle of Hell is reserved for traitors, senpai."

"I'll be sure to pass that on to Sasuke. He'll need to start atoning quickly." Kakashi hummed, completely unconcerned and guiltless as he headed for the exit.

---

Freedom.

He was being offered freedom in this moment. Just talk to her, make her happy, and everything would go away after that. Simple.

Sasuke felt like he was going to throw up. When in his life had he ever made her happy? Her feelings for him aside, when had his actions ever brought a smile to her face? The likely answer was never.

This would have been a cake walk in their younger days—she would have swooned at the thought of him speaking to her alone about arbitrary things. Not so, now. Nope. These days, she didn't take insults or belittlement or being ignored sitting down—even if they were unintentionally careless remarks on his part. She no longer smiled past the barbs or subtly changed the subject so no one would notice her emotional discomfort. If she felt insulted, she talked back. If she felt belittled, she tore you a new one. She didn't take crap from anyone.

That was all well and good, as far as Sasuke was concerned. The more feisty, the better, though he'd take that to his grave. However, he was a little resentful of her confidence when it caused her to chew him out for insulting her when he hadn't even done so. Kakashi had once commented that she probably did so because she had never heard a compliment from him, so most everything he said of her was an insult, from her perspective. It had become a knee-jerk reaction to everything he said because he could not possibly be saying anything else, so experience told her. And it was that expectation on her part that was going to cost him dearly here.

This was going to be a disaster, he just knew it. Hell, Naruto knew it. Oh, sweet goodness, why did he do these things to himself? He never thought of himself as a masochist, yet here he was, walking to his doom, begging for disaster, like some mentally disturbed version of Oliver Twist. Instead of porridge, he was requesting more emotional trauma, more abject humiliation, more strife to deal with. In essence, he was asking for Sakura to hate him. What else was this going to lead to? Success? Hells no! As Naruto had said, it would take a miracle. And miracles were known to have a definite dislike for one Uchiha Sasuke. So why was he doing it? Because he was a guy who liked a girl and that's what you did in those situations. You made a fool of yourself until she saw past the awkwardness and the terrible, terrible conversational tactics and realized what you were meaning the whole time. At least, that was the only way Sasuke knew to go about it. He had heard about this strange method known as 'telling her you love her,' but Sasuke was convinced that was a foolhardy route—Naruto had implemented it for years and had gotten nowhere, after all. So, he'd stick with his usual methods. Ninety-seventh time's the charm, and all that.

With a good hour until sundown and a comfortable three hours until the geek lord's nightly retirement, everyone was fairly idle. Of course, to keep up appearances, and to protect against that sliver of a doubt that the mortal danger to the daimyo was real, they were still actively guarding Harutsato. Sai was hidden in a shadow somewhere in the room the teen currently occupied, having drawn the short straw. Naruto was standing guard outside somewhere, though he probably was devoting more attention to the ramen he had taken along to his post than he was to potential threats.

As a sign of apology or simply to appease them and save his own hide, Kakashi had insisted that Yamato and Sakura needn't take on guard duty and should just rest after their hurried and completely unnecessary journey. There had been the barest grumblings of what sounded like, "Darn right, we're not pulling guard duty," and "Just let us go home," from the two, but the mutterings muted as soon as Kakashi had raised his head from his porn and smiled in that unsettling way of his that said you didn't want to hear what he was going to say if you didn't shut yourself up.

Having not been assigned a post, Sasuke was free to relax with the others in a sheltered area outside, not far from their charge's location. Though, to say he could relax did not mean he was. He knew what he had to do in this precious time he had been given. Other opportunities might come, yes, however few of them would be so perfect as to have both Naruto and the Replacement out of the way and therefore unable to interfere or watch what he was about to do. He could not allow this opportunity to pass.

Walking over as nonchalantly as he could manage, trying his darnedest not to let it look like he was purposely heading toward her, Sasuke drew near where Sakura was seated on a rock. The kunoichi didn't seem to notice him, a metre away, and continued to reorganize her medical supplies, for no reason other than that she had nothing else to do. A bottle of peroxide was slammed into place a little more forcibly than usual, her movements slightly sharper, as she clearly continued to stew over her sabbatical's premature end.

Well, there was a silver lining in this; if she were this ticked off already, it shouldn't take much to raise her spirits--anything that could distract her from her current situation would make her happier. That couldn't be too difficult.

Sasuke's confidence rose three points, bolstered by that rosy thought. This might actually be doable! Grabbing onto that rare positivity while it lasted, Sasuke launched his plan to exempt himself of Naruto's evil wiles.

Of course, when I say 'plan,' I mean 'he really should have made one.'

He decided to start with, "The trip went well?" as he leaned against a tree, appearing as calm and apathetic as ever.

Sakura's head jerked up at the sound of his voice, eyes belying the preoccupied state her mind was in. When his words sank in, she bristled. "It was an eight hour trip and seven and a half of those were spent running through freezing rain," she grumbled lowly. "The other half hour was spent arguing with Yamato-taichou about whether to take the north route or the west route. I said west, he said north. We went north. We got here nearly an hour over schedule, so you can guess which one of us was wrong." She cast a perturbed eye roll in the captain's direction by the terrace.

Sasuke didn't comment on the directions; they had taken eight hours to arrive as well. They had also taken the north route.

"So, no, the trip didn't go terribly well," she continued, face hard in a deep frown. "And things really aren't any better now that we've arrived." A silent sigh escaped her, blowing an errant pink lock out of her eyes. A package of bandages was crammed into place even harder than the peroxide had been.

Sasuke cringed internally. Those three points of extra confidence fizzled away into the ether, taking at least eight companions with them. Perhaps discussion of the mission was best avoided.

But, then, what else was there? Think, Uchiha, think!

And then it came to him, like a message from on high. Her leave of absence was what she kept talking about, so just work with that! While valiantly attempting to suppress his smug expression at his genius idea, Sasuke, in the blandest, most uninterested voice possible, asked, "Your sabbatical was pleasant, though?"

The hard line of Sakura's frown deepened at the question. "Well, it started crappy and ended even worse, but the middle part was marginally better, I suppose." A suture kit was jammed into a spot too small for it, which forced the other contents to bulge against the sides of the pouch, threatening to tear it apart at the seams.

"Hn. What did you do?" He was thankful she was too preoccupied with being irritated to notice the oddness of him asking so many questions--yes, three questions constituted many for him. How sad was he?

"Well," she began in an overly pleasant tone, "after the lovely wake-up call I got from you three, I went back to bed in hopes of sleeping the day away. That didn't happen and I ended up having trouble getting to sleep the next night, as well. Of course, it didn't help that Ino-pig came banging on my door at three in the morning, after I had just gotten to sleep. She mastered level six of the medical jutsu she was learning, and had to show me and celebrate. So, I went another twenty-four hours without sleep." Her lips pursed tighter at the memory. "By the way, she made me promise to ask you out for her, since you never let her get more than two words out to you when she tries herself."

In the silence that followed, a sick feeling crept its way into the pit of Sasuke's stomach. He stared back at impatient green eyes and realized that, yes, Sakura was serious. "No," he shook his head, voice deadly flat. "Hell no," he amended. Not a chance in hell would he willingly spend time with the Banshee, never mind it being a date. No.

"I told her you'd say that," Sakura sighed, dumping out her medical supplies and starting over yet again. "I don't get why you don't just give it a try once. You're not going to find a prettier girl, and we all know brains aren't important to guys, anyway." A scalpel set was slammed into the empty bag, accompanied by the sound of tearing fabric. "You should think about it."

The Uchiha watched the pinkhead closely, as she continued to jam things back into the pouch she was taking her frustration out on. Her words had been indifferent enough, but with a tinge of bitterness that sounded oddly out of place in Sakura's voice.

"She's not my type," he replied succinctly.

A quiet scoff sounded from the kunoichi as she reached for another object to violently stash away. "You don't even have a type," she muttered under her breath, a wry twist on her lips.

It was quiet, but he heard it all the same. He bristled at the comment, but was unsure as to what to do about it. Just up and saying, "You're my type," didn't seem right, nor advisable, considering Sakura's pessimistic mood.

"It couldn't have been all bad. You got to hang out with your friend. That must have made things better," he continued, electing to pretend he hadn't heard her at all. He internally congratulated himself on stringing three sentences together that didn't involve the mission or some derisive comment. If he could keep this up, Sakura's stormy mood was sure to pass soon enough.

Just focus, Uchiha. Focus.

Judging by the arch of Sakura's brow, such was not the case. "I said I was dragged into celebrating for twenty-four hours with Ino. Nothing about that was pleasant. Her idea of fun is going out to some night joint and letting guys hit on her, getting their hopes up, and then shutting them down in new and innovative ways." The look of pure distaste upon Sakura's face was mirrored in Sasuke's own mind. "Having to accompany her on her little ego trip was not the high point of by break, no."

"You could have said no," he pointed out, brow furrowing at the thought of Sakura going out and being hit on along with the Banshee. She should have said no!

Sakura quirked her eyebrows. "You've tried to say no to Naruto when he wants to go for ramen at two in the morning, haven't you?"

"Aa."

"Yeah, and how did that work out for you?" She fussed with a loose label on a bottle of some sort of serum as she continued, "If you say no, he'll just barge in and make a catastrophic disaster in your kitchen and you'll be wishing you had gone out. Ino's the exact same, except instead of a mess, she makes enough noise to wake the neighbours and I get complaints from them."

"Hn."

"And then the next day, after a lovely three hour sleep, I had Lee-san knocking on my door, seeing if I wanted to go for a morning run."

Fuzzy-eyebrows?

The dark miasma of jealousy filled Sasuke's chest. He had thought that freak had given up, but there he was, making moves on Sakura while Sasuke was away. Ohh... Vengeance! He demanded blood!

"That was probably my best day, actually," Sakura continued, studying the newly organized contents of her pouch. "He at least knew I was on sabbatical and came by because he thought a run would be a good way to relax. He even brought me flowers. Everything went downhill after that, though. The last two days... I don't even want to talk about them." She shook her head, a sour expression on her face. "Suffice it to say, my house is no longer safe for habitation, and the next time I see Kiba and Chouji, they're going to be getting a first-hand lesson on medieval torture methods," she muttered darkly, eyes unsettlingly bright.

Sasuke was full-on scowling as he listened to the account of Fuzzy-eyebrows' visit to Sakura. And his thoughts stopped there, causing him to not even hear her mention the issue with her house and two of their troublemaking comrades. Her best day? Fuzzy-eyebrows coming to call made it her best day of leave?! Some part of his soul crawled into a crevice and died, at the thought. He was jealous, and not a little irritated. And when Sasuke got irritated, especially where Sakura was concerned, he tended to lose what little tact he possessed.

"Sounds like your leave was crappy."

"I told you it was," she answered, an edge in her voice in response to the bluntness in Sasuke's.

"You should have just come with us from the start," he sniffed indifferently.

"Well excuse me for not bowing to your whim and wanting some time for myself!" she snapped, angry eyes casting a dark look up at him, her medical supplies long forgotten.

A wince nearly made its way through on his face, but Sasuke managed to quell it in time, the expression becoming a mere ripple in his blank facade. "It wasn't an order; it...was a request," he explained hesitantly, though it came out sounding matter-of-fact--nearly snappish.

"Telling me, 'You're coming. Go get ready,' does not constitute a request. You don't request anything—you demand it. And I wasn't about to ditch my downtime just so you wouldn't have to spend time with Sai." A mildly sardonic light appeared in her eyes as she noticed the shift in his brow that said she had hit the nail on the head with that one. A thought sprang up in her mind, fuelled by her irritation, and she chose to voice it. "And for your information, he's not your replacement; he's an upgrade!"

Sasuke couldn't hide the flinch this time. But, his own ire piqued, he quickly retaliated. "Tch. Some upgrade; like going from Vista back to XP."

"Well, at least XP doesn't lock up every application I try to use because it doesn't 'suit' its preferences," Sakura shot back, matching the male's glare with one of her own.

"Vista has far more capabilities than XP could dream of," he spat. "It's more secure and has far better human interfacing than the robotic XP."

"At least XP does what it's told and doesn't order me around, telling me what I can and cannot load, access, and do, unlike Vista, who's got its crazy, power-grubbing, so-called 'security' influence on everything!"

He was incensed by this point. How could she think XP--that is, the Replacement--was better than Vista--i.e. him?! "Vista is by far superior in interfacing and performance!"

Sakura scoffed and snapped back, "XP doesn't demand security clearance and authorization for everything, even something as simple as playing a leisurely game of solitaire, unlike Vista!"

"The security is a show of concern for the user's computer safety!"

"It's also annoying as hell and overbearing!"

They were both shouting now, their voices raised and angry, disturbing the tranquility of the garden they occupied.

"If it weren't, you would be complaining that Vista wasn't managing your system sufficiently and that you wished it would communicate more clearly with you, just like the problem with XP's human interface!"

"XP may not be terribly communicative, but at least it doesn't bully the user, like Vista does!"

"Tch! XP can suck Vista's—!"

"Okay!" Yamato interrupted, walking over from where he had been talking with Kakashi. "What kind of insane metaphor are you two using here?! It's like smack-talk at the Buy More." He was giving them both raised-brow looks, having never seen them full-on yell at each other before.

A moment of heavy silence stole over them, as Sasuke and Sakura cast angry looks between themselves and the captain, neither willing to calm down at this point.

"Hn. Whatever," Sasuke muttered, before making an angry exit, defeat trailing after.

Sakura promptly upended her medical supply pouch, scattering everything over the ground again, and began viciously cramming things back in, with no semblance of order whatsoever.

Backing away slowly, Yamato returned to his previous spot on the terrace. "Well, that was uncomfortable," he murmured to no one in particular.

"It was to be expected," Kakashi commented, flicking a page over in his beloved orange book.

"What do you mean? You know something I don't?"

"Oh, where do we begin? I know so much that you don't," he hummed idly.

Yamato rolled his eyes, but said nothing, awaiting his senpai's elaboration.

"Well, it's a fine mess Sasuke's gotten himself into again. You would think he would have learned to conduct himself more carefully after the whole 'traitor' thing." He tsked, and shook his head. "This time he's got Naruto blackmailing him with evidence that could make Sakura go Pompeii, if you catch my meaning." Yamato nodded hesitantly before Kakashi continued. "Naruto's giving him a shot to free himself of it, but, as you can see, his chances are pretty slim. I imagine Naruto made him the offer more for his own amusement than anything else."

"Indeed." Yamato eyed his superior critically. "You support this kind of exploitation amongst your students?"

"Well, it's not like they're sabotaging each other's lives or trying to kill each other," Kakashi shrugged. "They've been through that before, you know. Terrible business." He shook his head at the memory. "As long as their disagreement doesn't turn violent to include Rasengans and Chidoris flying all over the place, I'm satisfied."

"They really scarred you for life when they fought and parted ways, didn't they, senpai?"

"They did. They really did," the Copy-nin answered, voice melancholic. "I went to therapy for months after that incident. My therapist likened it to the trauma a child experiences when their parents have a hostile divorce. I'm not sure what that says about me..."

"That you desperately need a girlfriend?" Yamato offered, as he stared at his senior with flat eyes.

"No... I don't think that's it," Kakashi hummed, appearing contemplative. After a moment, he shrugged in indifference and went back to his porn, not giving the subject a second thought.

Yamato just shook his head and subsequently cringed as he heard Sakura tossing her supplies for the umpteenth time before she began reorganizing them again, grumbling under her breath all the while.

This mission could not end soon enough.

---

When night finally extended its blessed darkness across the land and prompted most people to head off to bed, Team Kakashi was awash with impatient excitement. This was it. It was going to end tonight. They just knew it. When the attack came, they would know and they would prove what was really going on.

The original four ninja were once again at their posts. Yamato and Sakura remained behind in the garden, again at Kakashi's insistence. The two seemed to have expected nothing less and made no offers to replace or accompany them on their watch. None of the four minded. Sai was indifferent to such drama, while, for the other three, it had become a matter of pride. They had been jerked around and played with by this guy from the get-go. That it had taken them so long to realize the truth and finish the mission was a serious sore point for them. One that could only be healed by seeing this fiasco through to the bitter end.

There were no shifts this time. The anticipation was too much and none of them would have been able to rest, anyway. All four remained alert and vigilant, ears constantly straining for the sound of violence they knew must come.

Five hours into the night, Naruto and Sasuke's nerves were wired like fried fuse boxes. The waiting was infuriating and they found their thoughts straying to contemplating simply barging in and terrorizing the daimyo themselves, just to blow off steam. Kakashi, as though possessing some sixth sense that alerted him to his unseen subordinates' volatile states of mind, calmed their antsiness with quiet orders. But, though he wasn't showing it, the Copy-nin, too, was very anxious to see this night's main event arrive.

"A-Rank mission..." Naruto grumbled to himself, though the others could hear it over the radio, as he always had his connected. "We should charge him for a freaking S-Rank. Each. "

Sasuke was silently agreeing on his end, while the other two continued to listen absently.

"Man, if anyone ever decides to actually assassinate him, I would so do that for free," he continued, shuffling in place. "We should put that out there. If anyone in the government wants him out of the picture, they should come to us."

"We're not allowed to solicit, Naruto," Kakashi responded, though he had to smile at his student's idea. "We advertise by reputation and reputation alone."

"Well, when I'm Hokage--"

"Oh, jeez..." Sasuke muttered, rolling his eyes.

"--I'll change that, dattebayo," Naruto continued, speaking louder, as though to drown out Sasuke's comment. "We'll put ads in magazines and make TV commercials."

"Yes. That's what a hidden village needs; TV commercials to draw attention to a society whose existence relies on being unknown," the other spat tersely.

"It could work if we did it right!" he insisted, rearing at the insult to his awesome idea. "We just have to make sure that people are interested by it, but have absolutely no idea what it's really about." Another thought hit him, brightening his eyes. "We could hire the guys who do Lost! Think about it! People love that show, but no one knows what the heck's going on! It's perfect!"

"Dobe. Just... No. Just, no."

"You and your no-can-do attitude! I'll show you, some day! I will, dattebayo."

Before Sasuke could shoot Naruto's plan further into the ground, a bang, a crash, and a scream simultaneously broke the veil of night.

A thrill of anticipation shot through them. It was game-time.

Wasting no time in waiting, the team made a B-line for their client's room, where they found him panting and trembling, new cuts and bruises littering his face and arms from crashing into a window and table.

With careful eyes, Kakashi eyed the wreckage and saw another bottle of cologne was broken upon the floor and a stick of incense was burning beside the bed. He smirked internally. Harusato wouldn't notice the absence of the scents, since he was so accustomed to them, he probably barely even smelled them when they were present. However, Kakashi was not so habitualized and his nose could sniff nothing coming from either the cologne or the incense. Sasuke had done his job well.

They barely spared Harusato a passing glance, as the team awaited their leader's orders.

He was speeding through his summoning handseals when he made a short comment to Sai. The artist nodded and began concentrating, as he recalled the ink animals he had sent into the room to perform internal surveillance.

The daimyo watched in confusion as five black mice ran out of hiding and scurried over to their creator, who quickly began extracting information from them.

A poof sounded, and the familiar sight of a sleepy Pakkun met their eyes.

"Kakashi," the dog's gravelly voice complained. "Calling me in the middle of the night is inhumane. Do you know how much sleep you're stealing from me?"

"Pakkun," Kakashi sighed, feeling a little tired with having to go through this exchange every time.

The pug ignored the man and continued to grouse, "Sure, to you it's just a few hours but convert that to dog years and you're depriving me of days of sleep!"

"Pakkun."

"The SPCA would charge you with animal cruelty if they knew how you were treating a doggie as cute as me."

"Pakkun."

"What is it Kakashi?"

The Copy-nin lowered his voice and spoke, "Once again, I ask that you track some intruders for me, please."

Pakkun didn't look impressed. "Maa. There better be some kibble in it for me this time."

"Hai, hai."

Seemingly appeased, the small dog began wandering about the room, nose to the ground, tail in the air, as he sought the trail his master so desperately wanted.

Pakkun's sniffing slowed significantly as he completed his second pass around the room. His small head popped up as he sat down, yawned widely, and began scratching behind his ear. "There's nothing here," he explained through another yawn. "I can't find any scent that's not either yours or whoever obviously lives here."

"Of course," Kakashi breathed tiredly. "Sai?" He turned a questioning eye on the ROOT member.

A curt shake of his head told Kakashi all he needed to know: there had been no one else in the room, and now they had the proof.

"So, I'm going to ask this again," Naruto spoke up. "Can I attack him?"

The senior shinobi cast a blank look back at the obviously confused lord, who was watching them with hesitant expectation. He was probably wondering why they hadn't run off to search the grounds for ay retreating enemies, like they usually did. He had no idea that they had figured out and foiled his plan.

"Go tell Yamato and Sakura," he quietly ordered Sai, who disappeared without a word.

Seemingly forgetting his ruse in his confusion, Harusato's voice held no trembling shock but was plainly curious when he asked, "What are you doing? You're supposed to go after my attackers. They're getting away!"

"Oh, please! Give it up, already!" Naruto moaned, giving the youth his best look of pure disdain. "We may have been fooled before, but now you're just making a fool of yourself."

"I don't know--"

"What I'm talking about," the blonde interrupted, waving a careless hand. "Yeah, yeah." He eyed the daimyo critically as he spoke, "I don't get why you would do something like this. It's retarded beyond anything I've ever dealt with before. And I've been on a team with Sasuke for a while now." He thumbed in the Uchiha's direction, to which he glared and made a choice hand gesture of his own.

"What are you talking about?" the teen asked, face appearing purely innocent and dumbfounded, and not a little affronted at the accusations.

"Matsudaira-sama," Kakashi began heavily, leveling a serious look at the addressed male. "We know that no one else was in this room with you during this so-called attack. Just as we know that there never was anyone else present during the other incidents, either."

"What?!" he screeched, voice wavering and eyes darting about nervously. "Of course there was--"

"I have more than just my own suspicions, Matsudaira-sama," the Copy-nin continued on, ignoring the other's rebuttal. "Pakkun here," he gestured at the dog who seemed to be sleeping on his feet, "is one of my ninken, as I'm sure you know, considering how familiar you are with all of us and our techniques. He can find no foreign scents here."

"Well, of course he ca--" Harusato began to say before stopping himself abruptly, eyes widening, as he realized he was about to give himself completely away.

Of course, Kakashi heard it and knew. "'He can't because of the odours you have ensured were already dispersed throughout the room are impeding his sense of smell.' That's what you're thinking, I'm sure. That may have been true on the previous two occasions that we've gone through this, but not tonight. We caught on to your rather ingenious tactic and took actions to prevent such from happening again. That incense and that cologne aren't what you think they are. They have no scent."

The daimyo's eyebrows shot upward as his head snapped around to glance at the aforementioned objects. "But..."

"You weren't supposed to notice, if you're wondering why you didn't," Kakashi explained.

"Well... That was all just happenstance!" Harusato exclaimed, pulling himself up to full height, taking on an air of dignity as he began attempting to refute the senior ninja's accusations. "Things got broken during the attack. Some of them happened to smell and made your tracking useless." He sniffed indignantly.

Quiet movements from the entryway signalled the return of Sai with Yamato and Sakura trailing after.

"Actually, we had surveillance within the room with you tonight--"

"What?! That's a violation of my privacy!"

"--in the form of those black mice you saw earlier, and they confirmed that you were in fact alone," Kakashi finished, ignoring the sharp cry of anger that had interrupted him.

"What's more," Pakkun rumbled, scratching behind his ear, eyes closed as though asleep, "I can't smell any fear from you. Your acting passes, but my nose doesn't lie." He let out a gaping yawn and then turned to Kakashi and asked, "You done with me now?"

He nodded. "Yes. Thank you, Pakkun."

"Just remember the kibble," the pug grumbled before disappearing in a similar fashion to how he had arrived.

The entire team gathered before the spluttering daimyo, they were all staring down on him with looks of varied degrees of displeasure and irritation.

A heavy sigh deflated all the bravado from his being, his shoulders slumping, head bowing slightly. "Okay," he said weakly. "You caught me."

"That's right, we caught you!" Naruto muttered, distaste twisting his face. "I demand an apology!"

"I'm sorry," was the swift reply, and it actually sounded sincere, much to their surprise. Excitement lit the youth's face as he looked back and forth between the assembled and said, "But I had you guys going for a while, there, hey?!"

The dark looks of pure resentment beaming his way quickly smothered any further banter on his part, as he gulped and turned his eyes downward.

"Why did you do this?!" Naruto snapped, pacing back and forth in front of the group, intimidating the younger male considerably. "I want an explanation and I want it in fifty words or less!" His blue eyes were narrowed and eeriely sharp as he stopped moving and stared down upon Harusato.

He gulped again and stuttered out, "Y-You met Jinsei, remember?" Four of the males nodded grudgingly, as they recalled the snobbish friend who had visited a few days prior. "Well, I don't know if you could tell, but he's kind of got this overbearing superiority complex. He's always been like that. Wataru, Takemoto, and me; he always ridicules us and puts us down in front of everyone else. They all think we're losers because of it. We like shinobi. We're sort of nerds." He shrugged. "That's just who we are. Jinsei has always mocked us for that--I mean, since we were, like, nine--and we were tired of it. So, I got the idea to contract a ninja village and fake a mission. Having a hit put out on you is sort of a prestige thing for heads of power, you know. It's like you guys and your bingo books," he gestured at the people before him. "You get in another village's bingo book, then you're the man, right?" Sporadic nods were his response, before he continued, "I figured, the rumour of a threat on my life would add to my reputation, which would shut Jinsei up for a bit. If no one was caught, he would never believe it, of course. I knew that. I figured if I called in some shinobi, that would lend authenticity to the threat and he'd have to accept it. Which he did. He wasn't doubting me after he saw you guys." He let out a little chuckle at the memory, but it quickly petered out when he saw the impatient looks he was getting. "And then, having you guys here was a great opportunity for Wataru, Takemoto, and me to actually see ninja in the flesh. Plus, Jinsei couldn't make fun of us anymore if I showed him that our shinobi obsession had a legitimate, practical use. My knowledge of you guys and your reputation helped me determine that you would be adequate to serve as my protection and to catch my attackers." He gave a sheepish smile. "You know, if I had attackers." The unimpressed faces staring at him spurred him to hastily continue, "I proved him wrong about us. It shut him up. I spoke with Wataru yesterday; he said that Jinsei was talking about us with some guys and he didn't even insult us. That's huge for us, you know?" He looked back and forth between the ninja, obviously searching for understanding that, let's face it, he was never going to get.

The team was staring back at the daimyo with blank looks, eyes flat.

Naruto, being Naruto, was the first to speak up. "That was not fifty words or less."

"Sorry..."

"So... You used us and lied to us just to show up some jerk who's been hurting your feelings?" he asked blandly.

"It's not that simple," Harusato insisted, shaking his head. "I'm talking about being ridiculed day-in and day-out since I was nine! We all wanted an end to it."

"You ever think of just not hanging out with the guy anymore?"

"He's Wataru's cousin," the teen sighed. "He's not allowed to go anywhere without Jinsei escorting him. His parents are total control freaks. Jinsei kind of resents Wataru for it, of course, which helped spur his dislike toward us. But enough's enough!" His face was set and adamant. "I don't expect you to agree with my actions and I don't expect you to be any less angered by them. But you asked for an explanation, and that's it."

None of them seemed appeased by the tale. If anything, they were a little more irritated by it.

"This is the crappiest mission we have ever had, dattebayo," Naruto groused loudly, eyeing ­­­­­­­Harusato with distaste, beginning to pace again. "Seriously. And we've had garbage-picking missions before! You are the worst client ever!"

Sakura was just as incensed, and couldn't help but berate the daimyo herself. "Why would you destroy all that expensive property and pay all that money for an A-Rank mission when it's not even qualified to be D-Rank?!" she shouted, angry eyes trained on the sheepish youth. "What a waste of our time! We could have been doing something important! I could have been training! I could have been healing people!" She paused and then added, "Oh, scratch that. I could have been at home relaxing on a much needed break! But no!"

"Hn," Sasuke added, rather angrily.

"Now, now children," Kakashi spoke up, seeing the tell-tale warning sign in his students that said, 'DANGER! RISK OF EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION AHEAD!' Oh, they were winners. "Just because it wasn't a genuine A-Rank mission doesn't mean we haven't done something useful here."

"Like what?" Naruto grumbled, watching the sensei with unconcealed scepticism. Sakura and Sasuke mirrored the blonde to some extent and Sai just watched on blankly, with that creepy smile peeking through from time to time. Jeez. That kid had to learn how to keep that thing under control.

"Well," Kakashi began, "A-Rank or not, the client is still paying us for an A-Rank mission," he cast a heavy look in ­­Harusato's direction, to which the daimyo nodded avidly in agreement, "which means we've created revenue for Konoha at very little cost. That's a good thing."

Yamato nodded, silently complimenting his senpai's smooth diffusion of the situation.

The younger nin were appeased to some extent, but one obstinate blonde couldn't be silenced that easily. "But! Now my record's gonna show another A-Rank, and I'm going to feel like a fake because it wasn't a genuine mission!" he shouted, clearly dissatisfied at the thought. "I gotta keep it real, homes!"

"What?" Yamato asked, frowning at Naruto's words. 'Homes...?'

"I gotta be true to my nindo!" he explained, looking back and forth between his comrades' faces for support and understanding.

Sakura frowned. "Isn't your nindo to never give up?"

"...Yeah."

"Then what the heck does it have to do with a fake mission on your record?"

"Well... That's...!" he struggled for the right way to explain the intense moral dilemma he was experiencing. "You know what I'm talking about!"

"I really don't," she answered blankly.

"Teme gets it, right teme?"

"If I understood your insanity, I'd kill myself," Sasuke spoke flatly.

"Ah! You all suck!" Naruto shouted, waving them off with disgust.

Sakura's brow twitched. "Excuse me?"

A gulp bobbed in Naruto's throat at the look his female friend was sending his way. "Except you, Sakura-chan, dattebayo!" he quickly added, smiling as sweetly as he could manage with such a terrified look in his eyes. "You're the greatest! I adore you! Worship the ground you walk on! Savour the air you breathe! Collect the—"

"Okay! You're just getting excessively creepy, now."

"Sorry."

Sasuke turned to the daimyo, a disdainful look upon his face. "You do realize this guy's going to think you're an even bigger loser now, when he finds out you did something this retarded, right?" he said bluntly, watching the other male with disinterest.

"I know..." Harusato replied hesitantly, disappointment clouding his features. "But...maybe not! You're still in my employ, right?" A lewd light filled his eyes as they turned themselves on Sakura and trailed down her body. "Maybe if he saw me with a really pretty girl—"

"Oh, hell no," was the swift reply from five Konoha-nin. Sai just continued to watch on, his weird little smile popping out again at that moment.

"Oh, come on!" Harusato cried, throwing his hands down in slight irritation. "I'm paying you here! You aren't allowed to leave, nor will you be paid, until your mission is complete. And I'm telling you, it won't be complete until you help me solve this problem of mine." He turned toward the door to the adjacent, non-destroyed room. "I expect a plan by tomorrow," he called back, before disappearing down the hall.

"Well, he does have a point," Kakashi mused, entirely displeased by the prospect of having to remain and find a way to make a brat look good in front of his equally bratty friends.

Yamato nodded resignedly, his sentiments the same as his senpai's. "The mission won't be complete until he deems it to be so."

"So, we make him deem it to be so," Naruto spoke lowly, a plain evil conspiratorial smile curving his face.

"Agreed," Sasuke nodded, crossing his arms. "So, killing or just maiming?"

"Does it have to be one or the other?"

"Probably not."

"What are you two plotting?" Sakura called out, moving closer to the quietly conversing males.

"The preservation of your virtue!" Naruto answered loudly, face determined.

"Oh my goodness..." she grumbled under her breath, rolling her eyes to the heavens in a plea for patience.

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about shifts; we can all go set up camp for the night," Kakashi explained easily, pulling out his book and somehow managing to read it in the dark of night (his students suspected he probably simply had it memorized verbatim).

There were a few mumbles of assent and the over-sized team left the damaged room and headed for a clearing outside.

As everyone began extracting their supplies, Naruto, in his ever-so inconspicuous way, drew Sasuke's attention and made obvious motions in Sakura's direction.

The Uchiha's mood darkened considerably and he gave one sharp shake of his head. Naruto gave him a curious look and sidled closer so they could discuss their deal without being overheard by the girl in question.

"Did you talk to her yet?" the blonde asked, nudging him with his elbow as he struggled to extricate his bedroll from its bindings.

Sasuke clenched his jaw to keep from cringing at the memory of earlier that evening. "You need to make the terms more attainable because, as they stand, it's impossible," he muttered back, shaking out his blanket.

A knowing grin split Naruto's face as he resorted to cutting his bedroll free of its ties. "So, you did talk to her and it was epic fail, was it?" He nodded to himself. "That's a dead horse for you."

"Yes, yes. And no miracle to speak of," Sasuke snapped. "The terms need to be lowered," he insisted. "It's impossible as it is now."

"Teme, teme," Naruto tsked. "How can you expect to be with Sakura-chan if you can't even cheer her up after she's had a bad week? That's kind of a big part of being in a relationship, dattebayo."

Sasuke's heart sank a few degrees as his friend's words hit home. If he couldn't do this, his relationship with Sakura would end before it even began.

"Why don't you just give it a go again?" Naruto gestured toward the pink-haired kunoichi, where she was poking at a small fire while Sai stirred a heating pot of...something they all hoped was edible. Having stayed up so late, they wer all hungry at this odd hour.

The hesitation in Sasuke was obvious, but Naruto wasn't having any of it. "Just tell Sai to go help put up the tent and you take over with the food. You'll be alone and then you can get it right. Jeez! I'm practically giving this to you! I'm the one with the dirt on you, you know. Yet here I am, out of the kindness of my heart and the greatness of me, I'm helping you out. Am I a great guy or am I an awesome guy?"

"Oh, you're just a saint, Naruto," he answered blandly. "A saint who blackmails his best friend."

A priceless look of moved emotion shone from the blonde's face. "Sasuke... You just admitted that we're best friends!" He gave a little sniffle, dabbing at his eye with the corner of his troublesome bedroll. "That's only the second time you've said that! I'm touched!"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi," Sasuke muttered, narrowing his rolling eyes.

"You can say all the acidic things you want, teme. But I know what you really mean, dattebayo!" he chuckled, ducking Sasuke's pack-turned-projectile.

True to his conniving form, Naruto didn't stop after he escaped Sasuke's attack, but made a speedy getaway to where Yamato and Kakashi were futzing with the tent--that is, to where Yamato was futzing with the tent and Kakashi pretended to be working on his end while reading his porn. Naruto's escape left Sasuke with little reason not to go on over to Sakura and try for attempt number two.

A sigh deflated his posture for a moment before drawing himself up to full height and heading toward the quiet fire.

He stopped a couple feet away, casting a sidelong look at Sakura before turning his full attention to Sai, who seemed completely devoted to stirring that pot for all he was worth.

"They need you to help set up the tent," Sasuke said, very comfortable with lying, especially to the Replacement.

Sai looked up and glanced at the architectual disaster that was the result of Naruto lending a helping hand to a struggling Yamato and an idling Kakashi.

"Why don't you just help them, Sasuke-kun?" he asked, casting a quizzical look up at the Uchiha, never pausing in his stirring.

"Because Naruto and I will inevitably fight and likely destroy the tent in the process," he answered swiftly. No lies there. It wouldn't be the first time something like that would have happened.

Obviously having no difficulty seeing that occurring, Sai forfeited his stirring post and headed on over to assist in the tent raising.

And just like that, Sasuke had Sakura alone again. The easy part was done. Now came the greatest test of empathic skill and conversational aptitude--raising her spirits by talking to her.

Noting the despondent expression dimming her eyes, he decided to just jump into it and said, "The mission will be over soon. You can resume your break then."

Glancing up at him before sighing and turning back to poking drearily at the fire, she replied, "It's not really the same..."

Well, he couldn't argue with that. Her week of rest was pretty much a disaster, from the sounds of it. And they had most definitely contributed to it. He winced at the memory. "...We won't...bother you during that time."

"Better not."

"...You're tired of us."

"I'm not tired of you," Sakura answered, hearing the quesiton in his statement. "I just would like a few moments to myself once in a while. Being on a team with Naruto is like being the guardian of a two-year-old with ADHD. It's draining." She shrugged and nodded in his direction. "Well, you know. And I need to steel my patience for the others as well, of course. And you."

"Hn. What about me?"

"You're like the rest of them."

A brow raised on his pale face. "I resent that."

"So do they," she blithely remarked. "But really, would it kill you to not be so...you?"

He rolled his eyes. "The insults just keep coming."

"I don't mean it like that." Sakura was watching him, face calm and nearly expressionless. It was a nice change from the angry frown she had been sporting recently, but it was still a far-cry from the smiling visage they were all used to. "I just wish you would stop imposing your will on everyone," she explained. "It's called 'asking,' Sasuke-kun."

"Asking is for the weak-willed. A strong person's actions show what he wants without him having to ask for it."

It was her turn to roll her eyes. "Oh, it shows alright. It's just that we're not enemy shinobi or foreign nin who you have to show your strength to. We're you're comrades and we prefer to be asked, not ordered."

"Hn."

She sighed quietly, poking at the fire again. "Have you given anymore thought to what I said?"

He stared at her in question.

"About Ino."

He nearly laughed at the question. "No. You cannot possibly think I would ever agree to something like that." The pot next to them bubbled over, and he cursed silently that he had forgotten to stir it this entire time. He attempted to salvage what was left while studiously ignoring Sakura's gaze on him.

"How can you say you don't like her?" she demanded, her voice a little harder than before. "You don't even know her. And she really likes you."

"She doesn't know me, either," he pointed out. "Following your logic, she can't like me."

The kunoichi's face pinched slightly, in thought, before she nodded and answered, "Okay. I'll give you that. But she's really interested in getting to know you so that she can then like you."

"Well, I'm not interested in letting her get to know me so that she can like me," he smoothly replied, stopping his stirring once he was satisfied that it wasn't completely ruined after all.

"Ugh! You're such a..."

He looked up at her outburst, watching her animated features with expectancy. "Such a what?"

"Such a Sasuke."

"What?" He frowned at the comment.

"That was such a Sasuke-thing to say," Sakura added, by way of explanation.

"Considering I am me, that's to be expected."

Her green eyes rolled at his reaction, and the barest of exasperated smiles was tweaking at her lips. "You're never going to get anywhere in life if you don't give new things a try."

"I'm fine with trying new things," he shrugged. "Going out with the Banshee isn't one of them."

"Don't call her that..." Sakura admonished, though she couldn't hide the grin that brightened her face at the terrible nickname; Naruto was obviously rubbing off on him, and not in a good way.

"Weren't you the one who was complaining about how loud she was? That you got noise complaints from your neighbours because of her?"

"Well, yes, but when you say that, it sounds mean."

"Well, that was my intention."

"Sasuke-kun!" She gave him a reproachful look, but her eyes were laughing.

The slightest of smirks appeared on his face but when he looked up, it vanished.

She was smiling.

Sakura was smiling.

And she had laughed.

Did I...?

He stared at her, seeing no trace of the perpetual frown she had been wearing, no show of her weariness and irritation. She seemed relaxed and content.

Did I do that?

He quickly glanced over at where the tent had finally been setup, scanning the area for that blonde idiot who had taken it upon himself to make Sasuke's life miserable. He couldn't see Naruto but he could hear his screeching voice arguing with the Replacement. Crap! They were standing behind the tent! Sasuke needed Naruto to see this. The blackmailing could end here, in this moment, if he saw Sakura as she was, right now...

Aw, screw it. There was nothing in the deal about Naruto witnessing Sasuke succeed in his efforts to bring Sakura a little happiness. The sadistic moron would just have to take his word for it.

He couldn't help the internal gloat-fest at his 'major' accomplishment.

Hn. Dead horse, no more.

"Becoming a cake is easier than I thought," he mumbled to himself, recalling Naruto's terrible metaphor about vinegar, cake, and flies.

"Sasuke-kun... What are you talking about?"

She was giving him the queerest look he'd ever seen from her, like he had just sprouted butterfly wings from his head and was speaking in Ebonics.

He surreptitiously swallowed the choking feeling in his throat and feigned indifference when he answered, "...Nothing."

"Uh-huh..." That strange look never lessened, as she leaned back a bit. "To be honest, I'm a little bit uncomfortable right now."

"Why?"

"You're talking about making a cake," she stated flatly. "I don't know where to begin to explain what's strange about that. You don't even like sweets."

"But you do."

"Yes..."

"Flies like sweets," he nodded to himself, the comment escaping him before he realized what he had said.

The sudden change in disposition was startling, as Sakura went from being confused to being defensive and, yes, insulted. "I'm sorry. Did you just call me a fly?"

Oh, goodness. The familiar chill hand of failure was patting him on the back again. "What? No," Sasuke hurriedly answered, as he struggled desperately against the horrible sinking feeling that was dragging at him inside.

Her green eyes showed that she was obviously not convinced. "It sure sounded like you did."

"It wasn't like—"

"I'm a fly, am I?" the pinkhead continued, voice rising a few decibels. "A pest? Do I annoy you, Sasuke-kun?" She nearly spat the word, and he instantly realized why she was taking such offence at the thought of being called a fly. Annoying was something he had often called her, after all. It was not a comment she had ever been able to ignore.

"Sakura—"

"Nice, Sasuke-kun. Real nice." She sent a slightly perturbed, nearly emotionless look his way before rolling her eyes and sighing, and then abandoning the fire and stalking off, leaving Sasuke to wonder how such a perfect situation could go so bad because of one stray comment. One misunderstood comment.

He could be thankful, at least, that she hadn't yelled. Judging by the tired pull on her face that had reappeared when her mood changed, Sakura was probably too exhausted by the past week to get more than just irritated with him. Still, the result was the same.

His eyes followed her as Sakura stalked past Yamato and Kakashi, conversing by a tree not sixteen feet away.

"Oh, that was just painful to watch," Yamato winced, casting covert glances at the brooding Sasuke and stewing Sakura.

Oh, they may have seemed completely involved in their own conversation at the time, but the two senior ninja had heard every word of the preceding altercation, their morbid interest in Sasuke's guaranteed failure trumping any sense of decency on their part.

"Well, he's trying," Kakashi sighed, eye trained on his book, though he was very aware of the current state two of his students were in.

"That's what's painful about it. This is him trying."

There was a short pause, before the greyhead finally ceded, "...Yeah."

"He was doing so well, at first and then, over the course of five seconds, he just massacred it." The captain tsked and shook his head. "I mean, how can a prodigy at most other things be such a failure at talking to a girl he's known since childhood?"

"Oh, and you're just a pimp-daddy," Kakashi commented dryly.

Dark eyes rolled at the barb. "I don't have anywhere near the trouble he has. Not even in the same league."

"I don't think anyone has the same amount of trouble he has. Sasuke makes it difficult for himself. It's part of his self-destructive tendencies." He gave a silent sigh. "Someone could write a text book on him."

"Mm. Could write three on his childhood alone. Jeez. What a screwed up kid." He cast another quick, almost pitying look the Uchiha's way.

"I know. It's amazing."

"Makes you thankful for what you've got."

"That it does, Tenzou."

"Again, I still prefer Yamato," the ANBU replied, his voice a little strained with a twinge of hidden irritation. "I mean, I'm not even supposed to exist," he continued on. "I'm the result of a very amoral scientific experiment by one of Konoha's worst enemies. But I take one look at that kid and," he let out an easy exhale, "all the self-worth issues just melt away."

Kakashi looked up as he turned a page, raised a point-making finger, and said, "Now, that is a rare gift, when you think about it."

"It is." Yamato nodded in agreement. "He should be proud of that, at least."

"But not too proud."

"No, of course not."

"We don't want him raising his spirits. That would impede his gift."

"True, true."

Any further consideration of Sasuke's unique gifts were put on hold when a ground-shaking explosion sounded behind them. Squinting through the dust cloud, they could see that three of their subordinates were at the centre of it, which eased their concern considerably; they did not need a real threat to show up after all this time.

Through the haze, they could see Sakura giving a downright nasty look to Naruto, who was clinging desperately to the crumbling edge of the fresh crevice she had created with a stamp of her foot, with Sai in the same state beside him. It wasn't a surprising turn of events; it didn't take much for Naruto to anger the kunoichi at the best of times, and this week certainly did not constitute as such for her.

"Ah, it's Armageddon!" the blonde shouted shrilly, scrambling at the deteriorating edge. "The gates of Hell are opening! Take him! He's the one you want!" He pushed at Sai's face with one hand while he clung to the broken earth with the other, attempting to shove the artist down into the void while saving himself from the gaping maw.

"If you do that again, next time I'm going to stomp on you, not the ground!" she shouted down the chasm, as Naruto lost his purchase on the earth and plummeted into its depths.

Sai somehow managed to drag himself out of the void despite Naruto's intentions of dragging him down with him, and, after dusting himself off, wandered over to the pot of food and resumed his precious stirring job.

Huffing indignantly, Sakura turned away from her handiwork and, upon noticing her superiors' eyes on her, explained, "He kept saying inappropriate things about his anatomy, and regardless of whether or not they were direct responses to Sai's comments," her eyes shifted and narrowed on said male for a moment, "they were entirely too disgusting for me not to take issue with. So, I straightened him out." She shook a strong fist to make her point.

Kakashi nodded his acknowledgement, continuing to read his porn.

"Should we have them do a perimeter, or would you prefer one of us do it, Kakashi-senpai?" Yamato asked, fighting the internal shudder at Sakura's outburst. That girl terrified him.

"Mm. They can do it," the other answered.

It wasn't that they were concerned about enemies infiltrating the area, anymore. It was simply a habit for all shinobi; you never went to sleep while out in the field without checking your surroundings first.

"Right. Naruto!" the captain called, turning to the crevice the jinchuuriki had disappeared into. When no reply came, he felt his nerves shake just a little bit more. "...He's...not getting up."

"Sakura's lectures are very weighty. But he'll be fine."

"Exactly how deep did that thing go? Is there even air down there?"

"He's fine, Tenzou," Kakashi insisted, paying no mind to his student's potential plight.

"Yamato, please senpai," the man muttered. "Maybe she hit an argon pocket and he's slowly suffocating down there."

"Oh, I'm sure he'll just have a mild hangover-headache, if that's the case."

He turned back to his senpai, expression reproachful. "You know, there is such a thing as being too laidback."

Just then, a low, pain-filled groan sounded from the dark abyss Naruto had been pummelled into. "...moles...are eating me..." echoed up from the crevice.

Kakashi shrugged. "See. He's fine."

"You people are freaks," Yamato said bluntly, not batting an eye.

"Right back at you, Pinocchio," the other hummed.

Shuffling and clawing sounds, accompanied by mutterings and groans, wavered up from the black depths, and a few moments later, a very battered, very dirty, very traumatized Naruto was dragging himself over the side of the hole he had been trapped in. Wheezing and coughing soon followed the completion of his ascent, as his limp form collapsed on the rumpled grass, his legs still dangling over the edge.

"Maybe I'll get Sai to do it," Yamato mumbled, earning a nod of agreement from Kakashi, before heading toward said ROOT member.

After some time, and a lot of effort, Naruto managed to haul himself over to the fire, where he helped himself to whatever it was that Sai had been cooking there.

Sasuke surveyed the other's injuries and laughed internally at Naruto's misfortune, while simultaneously mentally wincing at the foul mood that had caused Sakura to inflict such damage.

Well, no matter. She may be irritated now, but Sasuke had already accomplished his goal. It would have been an added bonus if Sakura had remained in good spirits, but really, he knew he should just be happy with what he had.

"Did you see her?" Sasuke asked, all business as he fought to keep the pride out of his voice--to be proud of what had ultimately turned out to be a disaster was embarrassing, to say the least.

When all he got was an arched eyebrow as a reaction from the blonde, he explained, "She was smiling."

Naruto blanched slightly. "She sure as heck wasn't smiling when I saw her."

"I made her smile," Sasuke insisted, making certain he got his point across. "And she laughed. I made her happy, therefore I fulfilled my end of the deal."

"Yeah, but, then you pissed her off again, didn't you?" he snapped, eyes flashing irritably. "I'm the one who pays for that, you know!" He rubbed his sore head, frowning at the injustice of it all.

"You didn't say I had to keep her happy and could never anger her again. You just said I had to make her happy. I did that."

"I didn't see it."

"You have to witness it?!" Sasuke nearly screeched, he was so incredulous, and he made certain to quietly clear his throat so that it wouldn't happen again.

"Well, I'm not just going to take your word for it. You're a freaking pathological liar, dattebayo!" the blonde stated bluntly. "You once told me you didn't need bonds, or whatever, but look at you now! You're an emotional wreck, all twisted up in your bonds of angst and looove! Hells yeah, I need to see it!"

"That's impossible!" the other shouted back, his ire rising.

"Well, that's kind of what I meant when I called you a dead horse," he commented, like it was the most obvious thing.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed to hate-filled slits. "That is it," he growled, clearly seething. "You've jerked me around long enough. No more. You're finished!"

"Why would I stop when it's so much fun for me?" Naruto asked, all innocence. "Opportunities like this come around so rarely, I'd be a fool to just throw it away."

"Here's the better question: Why are you doing this to me?! While I may have done some unadmirable things in the past, you have always taken the high road, even where your enemies are concerned. So, why the hell are you doing something like this to me?"

The jinchuuriki shrugged and sounded maddeningly philosophical when he answered, "Did God need a reason to make the platypus into the laughingstock of the animal kingdom? No. But He did it anyway."

For a few incomprehensible seconds, Sasuke was too mind-blown to even curse the idiot across from him. "You think you're God?!" he hissed. "And I'm the platypus, I take it?! I knew you had a Messiah-complex, but I didn't think it was that inflamed!"

"I don't think I'm God!" Naruto snapped, waving a careless hand as though erasing the idea from their presence. "I'm just saying, I've got this power over you and I had the choice to use it or not and so I decided to go for it! I don't really have a reason and I don't know that I really need one. I mean, regardless of why I'm doing it, you're still going to bow to my will because your involvement isn't based on my reasons; you're involved because Life hates you and loves me. It's as simple as that, really, dattebayo." He finished with a wry grin that hit the other like a sucker punch.

A deep, exhausted sigh flowed out of Sasuke's lungs. "This is never going to end," he muttered to himself. This was worse than if Naruto had actually had some hidden agenda up his sleeve. Someone with no reason for their actions will never stop because there is no endgame; there is no ultimate goal. They would just keep at it until they got bored of it. And Sasuke knew firsthand just how devoted Naruto could be to something he's made up his mind to do.

Sai rounded the tent, returning from his perimeter sweep, and was heading toward the fire where the two sat.

"I'm going to bed," Sasuke muttered, glaring at everything and anything that was unfortunate enough to be in his line of sight.

"I'll go with you," Naruto called, leaping up from his seat, his injuries long-healed.

Sai opened his mouth to comment on that, but was cut off by both Naruto and Sasuke snapping, "Shut up, Sai."

The artist seemed a little shocked, but did as he was told. He shrugged off the ill-treatment and mosied on over to the pot of something he had been tending to earlier and began fussing over it again. Why? No one knew.

When the two got into the tent, they found that they weren't the first ones to turn in. Sakura was already there, unpacking her bedding, her face absent of any indication as to what she was thinking, though she was clearly lost in contemplation.

Naruto cast a mocking smile at Sasuke, as though reminding him of how screwed he was right now.

The Uchiha glared back, but otherwise ignored everything and everyone around him as he headed for his own gear to set up for the night.

"We haven't camped out as a team in a while, hey, Sakura-chan?" Naruto commented easily, a bright grin on his face. "It's kind of like old times."

Being pulled from her thoughts, the pinkhead glanced up at her teammate and her face softened a bit at the sight of him grinning back at her.

Sasuke cursed inwardly as he saw the reaction out of the corner of his eye. Why was it so freaking easy for the dobe to bring her spirits up while it was nigh-impossible for him? He gritted his teeth in exasperation.

"I guess," the kunoichi answered hesitantly, shuffling through her pack for something. A visible shiver swept through her as she found what she sought and pulled it out. "It's colder here than in Konoha," she commented to no one in particular. Sakura paused in spreading out her blanket. "Here's a question: Why do we have to sleep outside?"

"Well, that Harusato guy won't put us up, so this is what we have to do," Naruto half-mumbled, tossing his bedroll down haphazardly, not caring that it was overlapping three others.

"Fan-Boy, who geeks out over every word we speak, won't give us even one room?" she scoffed, shoving Naruto's offending bedroll away from hers.

A mocking smile lifted his lips as he replied, "He thinks we, who come from a 'village hidden in the leaves,' will be more comfortable out here in our natural environment." He rolled his eyes at the thought.

"What, are we an endangered species of bird?"

"He's a nut-job; what do you expect?"

"Can't Yamato-taichou make a cabin with his Mokuton no Jutsu?" Sakura sighed, not relishing the thought of sleeping on the hard ground in the cold with nothing but a tent protecting them from the elements. Sure, they had done it on many occasions before, but she hadn't been having such a terrible week on those occasions. Everything that could irritate her, was, because of it.

"Ehhh..." Naruto shrugged sceptically, face cringing slightly. "I stepped on a plant in one of the flowerbeds two days ago and that old guy, Gin, yelled at me for damaging the landscaping, so I don't think he'll allow us something like that, dattebayo."

She stared at the blonde male and bluntly replied, "I just put a giant chasm in the yard. Is it really going to matter now if we scuff it up a bit more with a cabin?"

Naruto shook his head and pointed at the tent opening. "Yamato-taichou already fixed that. See?" She peeked outside, and, sure enough, there was no gaping crack in the pristine lawn. "Apparently, just because the guy's a huge douche, doesn't mean we can go around messing up his property," he complained, muttering some choice words under his breath. "What a load of crap. But they won't let us."

"A pillow-top mattress, Naruto. I could be at home, snuggling into my soft, cloud-like, pillow-top mattress right now. But no! I have to be here on the hard ground all because you four couldn't do a stupid mission." She cast an unimpressed look at said shinobi.

"Without you!" Naruto insisted, face placating. "We couldn't do our stupid mission without you. That should make you feel happy...just a little?"

"Just a little doesn't make me feel like I'm sleeping on air!" She shook her head. "With fresh, cotton sheets and comfy flannel pyjamas..." She trailed off and a thought struck her. "Do you have any idea what underwire does to your ribs when you sleep?"

"I don't even know what underwire is, Sakura-chan," Naruto answered slowly, obviously confused by his friend's comment.

On the other side of the pinkhead, Sasuke let out a "Tch," and said, "Then just don't wear one," while straightening out his bedding with the obsessive perfection of someone who was clearly preoccupied with dreary thoughts.

Sakura stared at him incredulously. "Like I'm going to go around without a bra in front of a bunch of guys!"

Naruto seemed to choke on air and spluttered for a few moments, his face going bright red, as that thought permeated his one-track mind.

Sasuke's own face was tingling with extra heat, but, thankfully, the light was too dim for anyone to see the rosy colour that sprang to life on his cheeks.

Coming back to his senses, Naruto sent a dirty look Sasuke's way and growled, "You pervert, teme! How dare you suggest something like that to Sakura-chan?!"

The dark head shot up and grey eyes narrowed on blue ones. "I didn't mean it like that!" he snapped. "It was just a suggestion."

"A perverted suggestion!" the other male added, giving a disapproving shake of his head.

When it became clear that the two best friends/rivals were about to leap into one of their characteristic cat fights, Sakura decided to intervene. "Just drop it!" she warned, the sharp tone of her voice enough to let them know that she was not going to tell them a second time.

The two went back to their bedding, casting dirty glances and gestures each others' way when Sakura wasn't looking.

Everyone was just about settled in for what remained of the night, though the others were still lingering outside. They weren't in bed yet, and already Naruto was infringing on Sakura's personal space, his blanket and bedroll overlapping hers. She deflated inwardly. They went through this every time they had to camp out together. Naruto had very little sense of boundaries when he was conscious, and had absolutely no sense of boundaries when he was asleep. The guy would roll all over the place, snored like a walrus, and couldn't be awakened to shut him up with anything short of extreme bodily harm.

"You had better stay on your side, Naruto," Sakura told him, catching his curious eyes. "I swear, if I wake up to you gnawing on my elbow again, I'm going to drown you." She paused and then, for good measure, added, "And if you start whispering in my ear about all the flavours of ramen you love and how you like to eat them, like you're whispering some disturbing fantasy, I will break you!"

"What?!" Naruto screeched. "I don't do that!"

"Yes, you do," Sakura insisted.

"Do not."

"Yes, you do!" the other five shouted--having overheard the argument from outside--before shivering as though to shake off the disturbing memories.

"Camped out with five guys..." she muttered to herself, unable to stop finding more aspects of her current situation that made it even worse. Looking about her at the company she was in, she continued, "And, really, what is that? One girl stuck with five guys? How is this arrangement okay? And upon realizing how uneven our numbers are, I feel very uncomfortable!" She eyed the others shrewdly. "I think you guys should sleep outside."

"Are you kidding?" Naruto scoffed. "It's cold outside and it's not like this is the first time you've been stuck with just guys. You've always been stuck with just guys."

"Not this many," Sakura insisted, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "This is entirely unacceptable."

"I am not sleeping outside, dattebayo!" Naruto replied, shaking his head just as vehemently as Sakura.

"Well, then perhaps I will have to go to Matsudaira-sama and see if he could help me find a private place to sleep," she commented slyly. "I'm sure he'd be more than accommodating."

"You're not going to talk to that freak! He'd probably shrink-wrap you and put you on a display shelf," Sasuke muttered angrily, scowling at the thought.

"Mm, mm," Naruto agreed, nodding along. "That guy isn't just a few fries short of a Happy Meal; he doesn't even have the burger!"

"What does that even mean?" Sakura asked, frowning at her blonde friend.

"It means you're not talking with him!" he shouted, nearly hopping in his adamancy. "Especially not about sleeping arrangements!" he added with a shake of his finger.

She blinked innocently at the blue-eyed boy. "So, you're going to sleep outside, then?"

"No!"

"Yes, we are," Kakashi interrupted, reaching into the tent and grabbing the collar of Naruto's orange jacket and dragging the younger male out the door. Sasuke soon followed.

"Why do we have to?!" he whined, letting his feet drag, not making Kakashi's job any easier. "Her argument doesn't even make any sense!"

"It doesn't matter whether her argument makes sense or not," Kakashi explained calmly, dropping Naruto by a tree. "She's female and she's angry, therefore she's right. She needs her space and we need for her not to castrate us. And so we will sleep outside."

"Seems like someone's already castrated us," Naruto grumbled under his breath.

"Well, most certainly you have been, Dickless," Sai said, smiling strangely.

Naruto seemed to have a small seizure, he was so choked with sudden rage. But a flash of pink from the front flap of the tent drew his attention and by the warning look Sakura was sending his way, any retaliation he had been planning to implement would have to wait until morning. She disappeared back inside, her threat clearly communicated, and the five ousted shinobi hunkered down, prepared for a cold, sleepless night.

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Guttersnipe's Word: The next chapter is the last one! Thanks for reading!