Mortal Wounds

by Confushi Sushi

A new case takes Olivia through the wringer. contains self-harm

1. Chapter 1

8/20/19 - While technically there's no real formatting issue with this story, I reuploaded into a single chapter, the other chapters remain untouched (see Perception for more detailed note)

Summary: A new case takes Olivia through the ringer.

Disclaimer: I do not own L&O: SVU in any way. However, Mr. Wolf, I do have this shiny nickel...

AN: Ok, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I generally don't like posting a story in segments, but my muse is flat-lining. I'm using this project to try and give the old girl a jump start. It came to me last night. Can't really say how often I will update, but I might have another chapter up today. Let me know what you think.

WARNING: This chapter contains pretty detailed descriptions of self-harm. If you could be triggered, or don't want to read about it, please turn away now.

Chapter 1

She sat in the corner, back pressed against the cold tub. Wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and underwear, the linoleum leached heat from her exposed legs, making her shiver slightly. The disposable razor lay broken in her lap, the freed blade clasped between her fingers.

She had long since become an expert in dismantling the cheap plastic.

Memories of him on top of her flooded her mind. Grunting and heaving. You're hurting me, dad. Usually she could stay quiet, it was better that way. But he had been growing more violent, more demanding. When she could stand no more and cried out or begged, it just got worse.

And no one ever believed her. Her dad was too wonderful a man to do something so horrendous. She was just a troubled youth trying to sow chaos and ruin a respectable man's reputation. An attention-seeking slut. It had been a long time since she had bothered trying.

Now the blade was her only comfort. He couldn't hurt her nearly as well as she hurt herself. The layers of scars on her forearms were a testament to her capabilities. The pain from her self-inflicted wounds drowned out the pain of his wounds, distracted her mind from the emotional turmoil he left behind. Watching the blood drip from the cuts was like watching the fear, anger, and sadness dripping from her body. It left her numb, and even that lack of emotion was a delicious alternative to feeling anything else.

Usually she was tidy, not wanting to anger him by leaving a mess. She'd made it a habit of cutting over the toilet so she could just flush all the blood away when she was done. But this time, he had gone further than he ever had before. The bruises were already forming, and she wondered if he hadn't broken one of her ribs. She didn't care about cleaning up, so she stayed seated on the floor.

As always, the first cut was preceded by apprehension. She always felt ambivalent until her body got into the rhythm, and then she could hardly get herself to stop. A quick cut. She watched the skin gape, and several moments passed before the blood welled up, dripping down to her elbow and soaking into the fabric where it contacted with her stomach. The sight was intoxicating, and line after line appeared, freeing more of the liquid from her body.

She watched it soak into her clothes and puddle on the floor in fascination. Her tensions eased, and she quickly lost count of the wounds. Maybe she had had it all wrong before. Messy was the way to go, it was more purifying to feel her handiwork.

All thoughts of being relaxed vanished as she heard the front door crash in to a loud chorus of "Police!" She dropped the razor in panic, unsure of what to do. They couldn't see her like this, covered in her own blood drawn by her own hand. Not knowing what else to do, she stayed where she was. The bathroom door was locked, as was customary. Maybe they'd leave her alone.

Yeah, right...

Footsteps echoed throughout the house. She heard doors open, and her dad screaming out obscenities. Tears ran down her cheeks as she waited for the turmoil to end. Someone stopped in front of the bathroom, and she watched the handle jiggle.

"Door's locked," she heard a male voice say. She couldn't help but sob in response. "Sara Holden? It's ok, we're the police."

Sara didn't reply, hoping they would give up. Praying they would give up. She froze in place, as if holding still would deter them. The man moved away, and she heard murmuring as he spoke with someone else. Then someone approached the door again.

"Sara?" This time the voice was female. "My name is Olivia, I'm a detective. Can you say something, so I know you're ok?"

Sara had visions of the door busting down if she stayed silent, and the mere thought had her jumping slightly. "I'm ok."

"That's good, honey. Can I come in?"

"No!" Sara replied immediately. She was shaking, and this time it had nothing to do with temperature.

She heard the sound of something sliding down the wall, followed by a soft bump. Olivia had sat down for the long haul. "Ok, Sara, I'm going to tell you exactly what's happening out here. A neighbor called us, told us your dad was hurting you. You're safe now, honey. We're here to help."

"Why?"

"It's our job to protect people who need it."

"No one ever believed me before." Sara's anger was rising, remembering all the times she had been rebuffed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry nobody believed you. But we're here now, let us put it right. Can you let me in now, Sara?"

Oh, God. She was panicking once again. Sara stuttered as she threw out the first excuse she could come up with. "I'm not decent."

Olivia's voice was still as patient as ever. "It's ok. The other cops aren't over here, no one else will see."

And really, how long could she stay in a bathroom? As much as she dreaded it, she couldn't hold out forever. So Sara stood, wincing as her arm throbbed from the action of pushing herself up. Bloody handprints framed the pool of blood on the floor. She paused in front of the door.

"Please don't freak out," Sara said.

"It's ok. Just unlock the door for me."

Sucking in a breath, she turned the lock. She stepped back as the door slowly opened. The woman had several inches on her, but then Sara had never been very tall. Olivia's eyes immediately went to the blood and ended her musing.

"It's-it's not as bad as it looks!" Sara assured. The bleeding had mostly stopped, drying blood clinging to her arm like sap.

Olivia moved behind her, pulling the towel off of the bar and pressing the fabric against her arm. "Are you cut anywhere else?"

"No." Her face reddened in shame and embarrassment as this woman tended to her wounds. Sara lowered her head, trying to swipe away the fresh tears before they were noticed.

But they were noticed, and Olivia's hand reached under her chin and lifted her face. "Hey, hey, it's ok, honey. It's going to be ok." Olivia pulled Sara close until the girl was crying against her shoulder, then she picked up her voice to address the cops outside. "Elliot, call a bus."

"Bus?" Sara wondered.

"An ambulance. Those cuts are pretty deep."

Sara pulled back, not sure what to do with the concern. "You don't have to. I'm fine."

"It's my job to make sure you're ok, Sara. I'll stay with you the whole time if you want."

She nodded, the emotional rollercoaster of the day draining her.

Chapter 2

The first questions Olivia had asked were about family. She hoped to find someone safe, someone Sara already knew, that she could stay with. Unfortunately, it wasn't much of a surprise when the girl had no one. Her mother had left seven years ago, when Sara was only eight, leaving her at the mercy of her father. It appalled her that anyone could be so callous. Just because she saw it far too often didn't make it any less tragic.

Olivia stayed close while the EMTs, and later the nurses, looked after Sara. The girl held her hand in a vice grip as the bruises on her chest, arms, and legs were photographed for evidence. She gave the same encouragements that she had to countless other victims, meaning them just as much as she ever had. "You're doing great." "They're almost done." "You're very brave."

Sara only stared forward blankly.

The rape kit was difficult. Sara didn't hinder them, but Olivia found it hard to watch as the child dissociated. She stared down at her unbandaged arm and the scars that adorned it. Looking at them made her expression go blank. Olivia wasn't sure if she was remembering past injuries, or imagining future ones. It saddened her to think that this girl found comfort from her own pain, and she wasn't sure how to deal with it. She wanted to pull her attention away from the old wounds, but Olivia worried about upsetting her during the exam. It was difficult enough without complicating things further.

Olivia looked down at her watch, past three A.M. They had been called to the apartment just after eleven.

"It's late now, you should get some rest," Olivia said.

Sara blinked as though clearing the fog from her eyes. She turned to Olivia, her voice holding a distant quality even though they were only a couple feet apart. "Oh, um, yeah. You're going?"

"Only for a little while. I need to go help my partner." The girl drew up her knees, pulling her hand away from Olivia. She continued, trying to comfort Sara. "I'll be back in the morning. We'll take your statement then, ok?"

Sara nodded slowly.

Olivia gave her shoulder a soft squeeze and smiled reassuringly before leaving the room. When the door clicked shut behind her, she let out a sigh.

"That good, huh?" Elliot stood from the plastic chair pushed up against the wall.

"Not quite the word I would use."

He gave a sympathetic half-smile as they walked towards the exit. "How is she?"

"Bruises from a struggle. They did chest x-rays and found a fractured rib. Rape kit's on its way over to the lab, so we'll see what that gets us." Olivia went straight to the passenger seat, and Elliot raised a brow. It wasn't often they didn't fight over who had the wheel.

He slid in, turning the key in the ignition. "And the other stuff?"

"Twenty-five stitches. Managed to miss all the arteries and veins, but some of them were pretty nasty." Olivia had watched the entire process with overwhelming sadness. The stitches had been the only part where Sara had closed her eyes. She didn't once look over while the doctor worked, and a few tears escaped her eyes. Even with the anesthetic, she grimaced with each tug of the suture material, clearly warring with shame and embarrassment. Olivia had found it even more disturbing than the rape kit.

The rest of the drive to the precinct was done in silence. They'd interrogate the father, and pick up on canvassing at a more reasonable hour when people were less likely to brush them off.

She had barely made it into the bullpen and to the coffee pot before Munch came in.

"Got yourselves a real charmer, there," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, he should be sainted," Elliot replied.

"He's had some choice expletives to hurl in your general directions since he's been stuck in the interrogation room. And apparently all of our badges are on the line and we've made a horrible mistake."

"Right." Olivia could almost laugh at that. After what she had seen, there was no doubt in Olivia's mind.

"So what do we know about this guy?" Elliot asked.

Munch handed over the file he had collected. "Eric Holden is a stock analyst for a small firm on Wall Street. Some collars for vandalism and other petty stuff as a juvie, but other than that just the occasional moving violation, all paid for. By all records, a fine and upstanding member of society."

"Which is a load of crap."

When they arrived at the interrogation room, they saw Holden pacing behind the table, muttering and swearing under his breath. He wore only the tank and shorts he had been arrested in, with the hastily added shoes still untied. Olivia's brow furrowed as she tracked his movements.

Elliot turned to Cragen, who was also standing in the observation room. "He hasn't asked for a lawyer?"

"Not yet. Barely has time to in between curses."

"So he's not that smart," Olivia concluded.

"He's not going to get any more jarred than he is already, so go in there and see what you can get."

Elliot entered first, an insincere smile on his face. "Sorry to keep you waiting so long, Mr. Holden, we got caught up."

"You better have a damn good reason for bursting into my house in the middle of the night," Holden's face was red with rage.

"I assure you, Mr. Holden," Olivia kept her voice low and even, suppressing her own anger, "that we take abuse cases very seriously."

"That's slander!" His hands slammed down against the table for emphasis.

"We're just doing our jobs, Mr. Holden. A neighbor called nine-one-one, and even the operator could hear the disturbance. We have no choice but to take it seriously until all the facts come in," Elliot soothed.

"But I think we all know what those facts will be," Olivia added.

"I never laid a finger on that girl."

"'That girl'? She's your daughter."

Finally Holden sat down, turning his head to the wall as he answered. "As if I could forget."

"Being a single parent is hard," Elliot said.

"She's been trouble from day one. I can't keep her straight."

"I guess holding her down so tightly you fracture a rib isn't the way to go." Olivia crossed her arms tightly, feeling her control starting to slip. She couldn't believe the audacity. How could he think denying everything would get him out of this mess?

"What? She probably did that shit to herself. Always cutting herself up and shit, it's disgusting. I can't be held responsible for the crap she tries to pull." Holden looked bored as he spoke.

"Self-mutilation is a serious thing, Mr. Holden. Have you ever tried to get Sara help?" Elliot asked.

"What she needs is to get her head out of her ass. She just wants people to feel sorry for her."

"Why's that?" Olivia snapped.

"Probably got it from her mother. Always wanted attention. Teenage girls like to cause drama, hell, women do too. So she's just yanking your chain."

"And the disturbance?"

"We were arguing. Parents and their children argue all the time. It's not a crime." They way he responded made it clear he had used similar excuses before. Apparently effectively enough to keep those that Sara had tried to reach out to satisfied.

"Raping her is. Or are you going to try and tell me that's self-inflicted too?"

"Rape? She said I raped her? That ungrateful little bitch!" Holden stood up again.

"Sit down, Mr. Holden!" Elliot's voice was firm. The two men stared at each other for a moment before Holden slowly lowered back into his chair. "You need to calm down so you can help us sort this all out."

"I didn't rape her. She's not exactly a virgin. Probably some kid she hangs out with."

"Name?" Olivia prodded.

"I don't know them. I don't want to know."

"One more question, Mr. Holden," Elliot began, "why did your wife leave?"

Olivia frowned at his reply, seeing the lie for what it was. "Probably got sick of the kid. Wanted a fresh start."

Chapter 3

"He's used to coming out smelling like a bed of roses," Olivia said. Holden's completely dismissive attitude towards his own daughter rankled her. That part she could identify with, hadn't her own mother blamed Olivia for everything? Bad seed from a bad egg.

So people had seen Sara's behavior as evidence she wasn't trustworthy, rather than proof positive of her claims.

Elliot rolled up his shirt sleeves as they went back to their desks. "Well you can hardly blame him. Whatever he's been doing has been working for him."

"He's guilty," she argued.

Elliot had begun to sit down, but stopped short with his hands planted on his desk. "Liv," he waited until she turned to him. "You don't have to convince me, you know that."

Olivia slid down into her own chair, pulling up the form she needed. After a few moments she looked across at Elliot. "I know. I just hate to think this guy might get off because he can talk the talk."

"Then we prove his excuses are a load of bull."

When the sun had reached a reasonable height in the sky, they brought Sara over to the precinct for her interview. Her injuries didn't warrant a longer stay, and it was clear when they arrived that she was ready to leave the sterile environment. The girl was wearing an oversized sweatshirt, hands tucked into the opposite sleeves.

"Sleep ok?" Olivia asked when they were settled in the sedan. Elliot was once again behind the wheel.

Sara grunted a noncommittal reply, but Olivia could already tell that she hadn't slept at all. She watched through the rearview mirror. Sara stared blankly out the window, her long brown hair spilling over the gray sweatshirt, giving it some color. Her skin was pale, and Olivia guessed that she burned easily.

When they neared the interview room, Elliot turned to Sara with a warm smile. "Want something to drink?"

"Water, please," she replied quietly.

He walked off to get it, and Olivia opened the door for her. "Go ahead and sit down."

The girl sat down at the far corner, tucked safely against two walls. Elliot placed her drink and then walked back out. Neither had discussed it, but he had clearly gauged from the ride over that she'd be more comfortable without him. Even with just the two of them in the room, Sara had one foot propped against the edge of the chair, resting her chin upon her knee.

Olivia respected her space, not sitting directly across from Sara to give her a little more room. She gave a knowing smile, careful not to lean forward too much.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but we need to know exactly what happened so we can help you."

Sara nodded. She chewed her lip. "So where do I start?"

"How about what you were doing before it happened?"

"Um, in my room reading."

Olivia showed interest, hoping the exchange would help relax Sara. "You read a lot?"

"Yeah. I don't watch much TV."

"What kind of books do you like?"

Sara smiled, and the act lifted Olivia's spirits. "Sci-fi. I like aliens and ships and stuff."

"Yeah, they're pretty cool aren't they?" But they couldn't talk about hobbies all day, so Olivia shifted the focus back. "So you were reading. What happened next, honey?"

The smile faded just as quickly as it had come. Tears started forming in the girl's eyes, and she stared at some random brick behind Olivia's head until they were pushed back. "Dad called me."

"Do you remember what he said?" Olivia kept her expression schooled, feeling Sara's distress hit her like a tidal wave. And she realized, in less than twelve hours, this girl had gotten to her.

"He said," Sara paused for a moment, struggling to continue. "He said, 'Get out here, now.' And I did, he doesn't like it if I'm slow."

"It's ok, Sara. You're doing really good, ok? What happened then?"

She noticed Sara's gaze go blank, and she hugged herself even tighter. "We went to his room. That's where he always does it. We both undress and he gives me a look until I get on the bed. He doesn't like it if I talk, so I just lay there and close my eyes..."

"Sara," Olivia interrupted the emotionless dialogue, "did he wear a condom?"

It seemed to take her a few moments to realize that she had been asked a question, and then understand what it meant. "Yeah, he always does. Says he doesn't need another ungrateful brat around."

"Does he always rough you up like that?" Olivia remembered all the bruises that were now hidden by the oversized clothes.

"He didn't used to. As long as I was quiet he'd leave me alone. Then he started grabbing me really hard, and when I ask him to stop he just squeezes harder. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

"Absolutely none of this is your fault. Nothing you have done or could ever possibly do would give him the right to abuse you." Olivia couldn't help some of her anger at his actions from coloring her voice.

Sara's hands were stuffed in the opposite sleeves throughout the whole interview. Olivia happened to glance down, seeing the red spot starting to bloom on the gray material. Her expression was still blank, apparently unaware of her own actions.

"Sara?" Olivia couldn't keep all the concern from her voice. Eventually she blinked, looking at Olivia. "What are you doing?"

The girl's brows knitted in confusion. It wasn't until she followed Olivia's gaze down to her arm that realization dawned. She immediately pulled her hand away, shocked at the blood she saw on her fingers. Sara panicked.

"Oh my God! I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." The words came out on the same breath, a near unintelligible jumble.

Olivia was already on the other side of the table, sitting right next to her. "Calm down, honey. It's ok."

Tears flowed as if she were confessing to breaking an antique vase. "I ruined the shirt."

"Don't worry about the shirt, ok? It's not important, you are. Now I'm going to take a look and make sure you're all right."

Olivia rolled back the sleeve, revealing the bandage underneath. Blood stained the edge and ran down Sara's forearm. There wasn't that much blood, for which Olivia was grateful. When she peeled back the bandage for a look, she saw that Sara had reopened a couple of the smaller cuts that hadn't been sutured. Nothing serious, and nothing she'd have to take the girl back to the hospital for. Something she knew would only make her feel worse.

Olivia forced herself to smile. "Not so bad, see? It's already stopped bleeding. Let's get this cleaned up and I'll help you put on a new bandage, ok?"

Sara wiped her face with the other sleeve and nodded her assent. Olivia helped her roll back down the sleeves, knowing that Sara was already mortified without having to walk through the precinct for all to see. Her arms wrapped around her chest, covering up the stain.

Chapter 4

The Holden's neighbors described a quiet family that kept to themselves. The man who called nine-one-one said it was the only time he had heard raised voices. No one saw much of Sara, but apparently when they did she usually had an armful of library books. They couldn't get names of anyone she might hang out with, because the tenants had never seen her with anyone.

When asked about Eric Holden specifically, people sounded impressed. Commented on his nice clothes and lamented that his wife could leave him to raise their child all alone. While no one appeared to know him very well, they all agreed he was a good guy.

School revealed a slightly different side. Sara was a model student in some classes, albeit a very quiet one, and in others she was continually disruptive. Those teachers expressed their sympathy for Mr. Holden having to keep coming in for disciplinary meetings.

The whole thing left Olivia wondering where the teachers had gotten their degrees and how they could so completely miss the signs they were supposedly looking out for.

None of the teachers could come up with anyone she hung out with. According to them, she was always alone. There had to be someone, Olivia was sure of it. But as far as these boys her father had mentioned... she wasn't seeing it. Hyper sexuality was a common symptom of sexual abuse, or the polar opposite. If she was seeing anyone, she wasn't hanging out with them during school hours.

The rape kit had found the telltale signs of rape, and spermicide but no semen. CSU had found no used condoms in the apartment. But the age of the bruises showed that they were only a couple hours old at most when Sara was examined, all but proving that Eric Holden was the only one with the opportunity to cause them. The sheer mechanics ruled out a potential defense that she did it to herself.

It was falling together, Olivia kept reminding herself.

When they had finished the round of questioning, Olivia took Sara back to her apartment to pick up some of her things for her placement in child services. She'd be staying at one of their shelters until something more permanent came up.

Olivia hadn't taken the decor in during the raid. The Holden residence was clean, not much in the way of furnishings but what there was was tasteful. She wondered who it was supposed to impress since she didn't see many visitors coming in.

They passed by the bathroom, and Olivia had to swallow the lump forming in her throat. The door was shut, as she had requested, but she knew that it still remained as it had been the previous night. She watched Sara's gaze linger on the door until she gently pushed her forward. As they entered the girl's room she felt their collective breaths exhale.

She was surrounded by dragons. Statues adorned each dresser, and any flat space that had enough room to hold something did. Big dragons, little dragons. Four legs, two legs, even one wyvern. Feathery wings, leathery wings. Some protected magical artifacts, others guarded treasure. Olivia shook her head at the last assessment, the baubles were just a distraction. What these dragons really guarded was the occupant.

Looking back at Sara, the girl walked with more confidence than Olivia had seen from her previously.

"I see you like dragons too," Olivia said.

Sara smiled, picking up a small statue of three hatchlings crawling all over each other. "Yeah. They're all magical and wise, I like that."

"Just get some clothes and some stuff you'll want for a week or so. You can pick up more when you're settled up more permanently."

"Ok." First thing Sara did then was to grab up the knit bunny from her bed and stuff it in the crook of her arm absently. She went from drawer to drawer, stuffing clothes into the suitcase while the bunny remained pressed to her side. It was once a deep purple, faded with age, with a graying tummy. Stuffing poked through the yarn in some places, with a large spill of the white fluff forming the tail. It wasn't much longer than Olivia's hand, not including the droopy ears that nearly doubled its size if they had been pulled straight. Pieces of fishing line stuck out from the black nose to form whiskers.

The tattered child's toy should have been ugly, but its worn appearance somehow made it adorable. And it made a striking contrast to the beasts guarding the room.

"How long have you had that?" It looked like something a grandparent would make, so she wondered where Sara would come across such an heirloom.

Sara pulled the bunny from its perch and held it in both hands. "Oh, this? I've had it like two years."

"Really? It looks a lot older than that."

"A friend gave it to me. It was his when he was a kid." Sara looked down at the doll with obvious fondness. Olivia couldn't help but smile at the gesture.

"He must really like you to give you something like that," Olivia said.

"A.J.? No, not like that. He's my best friend. Well... he's my only friend."

Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed. "Is there anyone you have been 'like that' with?"

Sara hugged the bunny to her chest until she made herself wince. Her lip quivered as she spoke. "Not 'like that'. Not boyfriends. I used to let boys have sex with me, but I stopped."

"It's ok, Sara. I'm not trying to judge you. I just need to ask these things so your dad can't hide behind lies. How long since you stopped?"

"When I met A.J. He helped me. We met freshman year." Over a year, so that was taken out of the equation.

The way she spoke of A.J. made it clear that even though she denied anything beyond friendship, it was quite safely nestled in the realm of possibility. They'd have to talk to the kid and see what else he may be able to enlighten them with.

Aside from basic necessities, Sara only packed some books, and of course the bunny. When she finished, she turned to Olivia. "Dad won't be locked up for the trial, right? He'll just be walking around."

"When he goes to arraignment tomorrow they're going to set bail. He'll have to pay to get out, but he won't be allowed to come anywhere near you. The prosecutor will make sure you get an Order of Protection, which means he'll go back to jail if he tries."

Olivia could see that the arrangement wasn't ideal for Sara, and she agreed. Sadly the law wasn't on their side.

Chapter 5

As Olivia watched A.J. approach his apartment building, and her and Elliot by simple fact that they were standing beside the door, she thought he didn't look the type to give someone an old childhood toy. Or to admit he still owned it in the first place. His hair was spiked up, with a sturdy hoop through each earlobe. He wore a t-shirt, despite the chill that had started clinging to the air, but both forearms were half-hidden by multi-colored bracelets. The look was capped by baggy jeans and the backpack slung over one shoulder.

He saw them watching him, and the closer A.J. got the more curious his expression became.

"Who're you?" he asked when they were finally in conversation range.

Elliot pulled out his badge. "I'm Detective Stabler, this is my partner Detective Benson. We'd like to talk to you about a friend of yours."

"Sara," he easily concluded. A.J. continued when they both looked at him. "I heard about the whole arrest thing. She ok? I haven't heard from her yet."

"She will be," Olivia assured him.

"Good."

"Sara tells us that you two are best friends," Elliot said.

"Yeah. We get each other."

"How so?"

A.J. lowered the bag to the ground, still clutching the strap. "We had one class together last year. When I saw her I knew she had problems like me. She looked at me like she saw the same thing. And when we started talking we actually understood each other."

"Why don't we continue this inside?" Elliot suggested. They were going to enter some pretty personal territory, which wasn't the sort of conversation one had on the street corner.

A.J. nodded, showing them to his apartment. "Sure. My parents won't be out of work for a while anyway."

Olivia shared a look with Elliot. It was clear from the sentence that he would have been uncomfortable inviting them up otherwise. She wondered if it stemmed from embarrassment or fear, guessing it was more of the latter.

The apartment wasn't as large as the Holden's, or as neat. Not a sty, but the space definitely showed it was more lived in. Despite the cleaning it did receive, she saw many once white surfaces were yellowing with tar, and could smell the nicotine still lingering in the air. She hid her grimace and tried to ignore the smell.

A.J. tossed his bag against the door to his room, unless his parents were so enthralled with Rammstein that they would hang a poster on their door. He came back and leaned against the side of the couch.

"So what do you want to know?"

"The two of you ever been intimate?" Elliot asked.

"Sex? No, it's not like that. We listen to each other, help get through the bad days." A.J. frowned a little, remembering some of the bad days.

Olivia wondered what his bad days looked like. She decided to save that for another time. "Sara says you helped her to stop having sex with boys."

"She's not a slut," he returned immediately.

"We know," Elliot assured him.

Accepting the sincerity, A.J. continued. "She didn't really like it, it just helped her forget about her dad. The first night she stayed over she mentioned it 'cause it made her feel so guilty. I told her that us talking and hanging out must've felt better, and she didn't need to do that other stuff anymore."

It didn't take much for Olivia to realize that Sara's fondness for this kid was well founded. He must have been the first person to ever try to help her out and not try to use her for something.

"She spent the night here?" Olivia asked for clarification. It didn't seem like Sara would spend many nights away from home, something told her that there was some sort of rule about it.

"Yeah," A.J. replied, "sometimes. Not often 'cause her dad got mad if he found her gone. But sometimes she just had to anyway, you know?"

"And your parents were ok with that?" Elliot continued.

The boy lowered his head and gave a small laugh, a guilty laugh. "They don't know."

"Then how does she get in?" Olivia asked.

"She calls me on my cell when she wants to come over. I go down and drop the fire escape for her, it comes right up to my window."

"What do you two do?"

A.J. shrugged. "Whatever. Talk, listen to music, watch TV. Just hang out, you know? She just comes over so she can feel safe for a night."

"All right, thanks for your help, A.J. We'll let you know if we have any more questions," Elliot said as they migrated towards the door.

A.J. nodded emphatically. "Whatever I can do to help Sara."

Olivia stopped before crossing the threshold, turning to A.J. She pulled out her card and handed it to him. He eyed it curiously before looking back to her for an explanation. "We can help you, too."

Folding up the card, he tucked it away in a pocket. "Maybe."

Olivia didn't move for a few more moments, just to make sure he knew she meant it.

Elliot stood waiting for her at the stairs. He looked back to the closed door when she had caught up. "Good kid."

"Yeah," she agreed.

They were at the car before either spoke again. Olivia was opening the driver's side door when Elliot rested a hand on the roof. "I just need to say one thing, as a concerned partner."

"And what is that?" Olivia couldn't help the slight edge in her voice. She was pretty sure she knew where he was going.

"You're pretty invested in this whole case. I think you might want to take a step back and rethink things."

She shut her door, needing to do something with her hands. It slammed just a little harder than it needed to. "Jesus, Elliot, I'm not stepping down!"

"I didn't say that!" He ran a hand over his scalp. "I'm just saying I've seen you get wrapped up in a victim before, and it's really bitten you in the ass when things go down the drain."

"And you think something's going to go wrong?"

"I don't know. I hope it all goes well, he gets locked up and the key gets lost and she goes off to live happily ever after. Olivia, I know you're just going to tell me to go to hell. And you're not going to give Sara any less than all you've got. But I couldn't let you do it without reminding you where it could lead."

Even though he was looking out for her and giving her free reign to do what she was going to do, Olivia gave Elliot one last glare before finally getting into the car.

Chapter 6

Sara didn't really care for the group home. There were far too many people for her liking, so she spent her time there just trying to stay out of the way. She was used to making herself small, and tucking herself in a corner while watching the chaos in front of her was pretty much second nature. At least she was going to school again, so that helped to break up the day. The only good thing she could think of with so many people around was that she had to be safe there, didn't she?

Almost a week passed with the same routine. The first day she had went back to school she had gone by herself. By the time she had reached the building she was on the verge of a panic attack. Sara had kept looking over her shoulder, sure she'd see her father somewhere in the crowd. She knew it was against the rules, Olivia had been sure to explain everything to her, but that didn't stop her from looking. Sara knew well enough that not everyone followed the rules.

A.J. had calmed her down, and insisted on walking her back at the end of the day. He offered to meet her near the home the next morning to go in together. Sara had told him he didn't have to go so far out of his way, her voice lacking all sincerity, and he had been going with her to and from since. So now she only had a couple blocks to weather on her own rather than the whole trip.

She had even started bringing the bunny to school with her. It was hidden in her bag, a fifteen year old with a stuffed toy was just asking for ridicule, but she'd sneak a squeeze or a pat every time she reached in for a book. With her life turned all around, she needed all the comfort she could find.

Now it was saturday and she met up with A.J. at the park. She didn't usually allow herself indulgences like this, but things were changing. No one was going to yell at her for going out somewhere.

Sara sat down on a swing, the bunny tucked inside of her fall jacket. A.J. sat down beside her, feet dragging in the dirt.

"They say it's gonna at least be another week before they can find a place for me," Sara announced. The idea of an actual foster home was pretty scary in itself, so she wasn't entirely sure if she was happy or sad about the delay.

"It's not so bad there, is it?"

Different, she guessed, more than anything. "Not really. Just not used to being around a lot of people all the time."

A.J. nodded, pushing off to gain some momentum. She watched for a moment before following suit. It was nice being out in the cooler weather, she felt less self-conscious about covering up. In fact, this was probably the best she'd ever felt out in public.

"Are you getting out too?" Sara asked over the creaking of chains. He deserved a change just as much as she did. A.J.'s dad was violent, and his mother wasn't any help.

"Maybe."

She dragged her feet, coming to a stop. He took her lead and did too. "They'd help if you asked. I know it."

"Yeah," A.J. agreed, "but who knows where I'd end up. We might not be able to see each other."

Well, she hadn't really thought it through. "You'd probably end up where I am, if things really are so busy."

"You're not gonna be there forever. Maybe when this whole thing's over I'll think about it. I hear trials are tough, so I wanna be around."

Sara smiled in gratitude. She was dreading it, the questions she'd have to answer in front of all those people. It was nice to know someone would be there for her.

"It's weird. Now I can basically do what I want and not worry about it." And what did one do with such a freedom?

"So," A.J. grinned, "what do you want to do then?"

It was something she didn't think a lot about usually, so it took her a moment. "Let's go to the movies."

"Yeah, there's like this one out about robots, or aliens, or robot aliens. I'm not sure which." He jumped up in excitement, and Sara found it contagious.

"Cool!"

She didn't care that tickets were so expensive. Even the movie itself wasn't nearly as important as what it represented. It turned out that there were movies running the whole gamut of robot/alien varieties. Sara stared between posters before she was finally able to pick one. They even split an overpriced box of Sour Patch Kids. It was totally worth it.

In fact, she had had such a good time that she found herself staring at the ceiling when she should have been asleep. But her mind wouldn't shut down. Sara was just too giddy with all the possibilities, it was the first time that she thought maybe she could actually do something with herself. That she wouldn't always be stuck and hopeless. It was all she could do not to run across the crowded room shouting at the top of her lungs and wake up the entire place.

Sara gave up on sleep, climbing down off her bunk with her bunny in hand. She only pulled it out at night when no one was looking. With a squeeze, she looked at its rumpled features. It didn't have a mouth, but she was pretty sure it was smiling anyway. Maybe if she went to the common room and read one of her books she might be able to calm down enough to get a little bit of sleep.

The heat leeched from her body instantly, freezing her in her steps. Sara's mouth opened to scream, but her heart had firmly lodged in her throat preventing anything more than a wheeze. There he was, on the other side of the street staring through the large window. Even with the distance and only the street lamps for light, she knew that coat. She knew him anywhere.

Her father's head turned ever so slightly, and she knew he was now looking directly at her. She should turn the light back off, leave the room, or even scream her lungs out. But she couldn't make herself do any of those things. Her body refused to comply. The flood of adrenaline made her chest hurt.

Time passed—hours, seconds, she couldn't be sure—before he turned and walked off. More uncountable time passed as she just stood there, staring out onto the street.

"It's three thirty, what are you doing up?" one of the women who worked there asked as she placed a hand on her shoulder. Sara didn't really hear her, but the contact was enough to finally make her shriek. She jumped as if she had ten thousand volts put through her, taking off down the hallway before the woman could respond.

Chapter 7

Olivia's cell phone pulled her out of her sleep. She glanced at the alarm clock as she grabbed the phone off the nightstand, but her eyes wouldn't focus yet and she had no idea what it said. All she knew was that it was too early for anything reasonable.

"Benson," she greeted gruffly, her tongue trying to cling to the roof of her mouth.

She anticipated Cragen or Elliot on the other end, or an outside chance of Munch or Fin, but was thrown by a female voice she couldn't readily identify. "Detective Olivia Benson?"

"Yes, that's me. Who is this?" Olivia pulled herself to a sitting position. She rubbed her eyes until the digits on the alarm clock stopped fusing into indistinct blobs. Three fifty-eight.

"Beverly Chase, with ACS."

One of the women she had met at the group home. Sleep was quickly forgotten. "I remember you. What happened?"

Olivia finally noticed hysterical crying in the background.

"Actually, I'm not sure. I woke up and saw some lights on so I went to check on things. That girl you brought in, Sara, was just standing in the common room. When I asked her why she was up she freaked out. She's been huddled in the kitchen ever since, won't tell me why she's upset."

"Ok," Olivia said, searching through her closet for something to throw on. "I'll be right over."

During the drive over she wondered what could have caused Sara to react so violently. Hoping it was just some bad nerves, but pretty sure it wasn't that easy. Most people didn't go straight to hysteria just because someone startled them.

When she arrived Olivia saw that everyone was awake. Kids were clustered in small groups. She overheard bits of their conversations, theories why the new girl had lost it in the middle of the night. Sighing, Olivia followed their stares, knowing that was the direction she wanted to go.

Beverly was stationed at the end of the hallway, keeping the prying eyes from descending. She saw Olivia approaching and her expression turned to extreme gratefulness. There was sniffling, but the noise was nowhere near what she had heard over the phone.

"She still hasn't said anything," Beverly informed her.

Olivia nodded as she moved past. "Thanks." She turned the corner and saw Sara tucked up beside the oven. Her legs were drawn up tightly against her chest, face buried against the blue and purple pajama bottoms. Her chest still hitched, but the sobs had gone silent.

"Hey," Olivia spoke softly, announcing her presence. She slid in on Sara's open side. For a moment she just sat there, waiting to see what the girl would do. Eventually Sara leaned over, swiping her face on her sleeve. Olivia draped an arm over her shoulder.

"Can you tell me why you're so upset?"

It took a few tries before the words weren't a stuttered mess. "He was here."

There was no need to elaborate who 'he' was. Olivia's grip on Sara tightened. "Where was he?"

"Outside. He was on the street just looking over. Then he was looking at me." Sara had begun to cry again. Olivia tried to calm her down.

"It's ok, sweetie, you're safe. He can't hurt you."

"I knew he wasn't gonna follow the rules."

"Did anyone else see him?" Olivia asked. She looked over to where Beverly stood and the woman shook her head.

Sara got more insistent. "I saw him!"

"Sara, I know you did, but it would help if someone else did too."

"You said he'd get locked up if he came near me." Sara pulled away and stood up, grabbing the bunny where it fell on the floor.

"Judges want proof. Me and my partner will find it." Olivia came over to where Sara was now standing.

"I don't wanna stay here."

Olivia started to argue, there weren't a ton of places she could go. "Sara..."

"I wanna go somewhere else. I don't like it here anymore."

"You're safe here," Olivia assured.

"No," Sara argued. "No I'm not!"

She wasn't sure what to do, but she did have a temporary solution that would give her some time to think. Sara would need to go in to make a statement anyway, and hopefully she could convince the Captain to stash her there for a little while. With any luck they'd find a witness or something to put Mr. Holden by the building.

Olivia sighed. "Go change." Then as the girl took off she took out her cell phone and dialed Elliot.

"Better be good," he grumbled.

"I need you to meet me at the precinct. Eric Holden violated the Order of Protection."

His next words came out with a yawn. "Sara ok?"

"Just freaked out. She saw him outside, but so far I've got no other witnesses."

"All right, I'm on my way."

She also called Cragen, who was less than happy, but said he'd come in to get the details. By the time Olivia arrived she saw Elliot waiting at his desk and the light on in Cragen's office. The Captain wasted no time in waving them over. Olivia had Sara wait at her desk and followed Elliot in.

"So what exactly do we got?" Cragen asked after the door closed.

Olivia shook her head. "Sara saw her father standing across the street from the group home. I asked around, but none of the other kids or workers claimed to have seen anything."

"Are we sure he was there?" Elliot wondered.

"She is." Olivia frowned.

"I'm not putting it past the guy that he would, but it does seem a little strange. He just happened to be standing out there on a night she just happened to decide to look outside? So, is he just incredibly lucky, or does he sit there night after night on the off chance that she'll have a bout of insomnia?"

Cragen looked at Olivia. "Could she have been mistaken?"

Sara had shown her exactly where he had been standing. It was in between street lamps, and it would have been darker than when Olivia had arrived. Not impossible, but there was a lot of room for error. She was reluctant to admit it though. "It's possible. But she's adamant. Described what he was wearing. An old Bomber and dark jeans."

"Hardly proof positive."

"We have to believe her," Olivia insisted.

"I didn't say not to check it out. Maybe he'll make it easy for you and confess."

Cragen's tone made it clear he believed it was just as unlikely as she did.

Chapter 8

Olivia knocked heavily on the door, noting the shiny new lock set with mild satisfaction. Maybe they'd get an excuse to break it down again.

"Mr. Holden, it's the police!" she called through the thick barrier. It was just past five, so curious neighbors peeked out in their robes. They didn't look long, quickly returning to the safety of their apartments.

She started to turn to Elliot for permission, more than ready to vent her growing frustration with a solid kick to the latch. But the man inside picked that moment to stir, and they finally heard footsteps approaching the door. There was a brief pause as he looked out the peep hole, then the door swung open to the limits of the chain.

"What the hell do you want now? Haven't you done enough?" Holden's voice was dangerously low. Olivia eyed him through the gap in the security chain. He was shirtless, but had come to the door in a pair of black jeans.

She gave Elliot a look of 'do you believe me now?' and he frowned in response. Elliot then turned back to Holden. "There was an incident this morning. Where have you been?"

"I've been here all night. Not satisfied, trying to pin something else on me too?"

"You violated the Order of Protection, Mr. Holden. That wasn't very smart of you," Olivia said.

"What? I did no such thing! She's lying! I want you to leave, now!" He started to shut the door, but Elliot caught it with his foot.

Elliot shook his head. "Go get a shirt, Mr. Holden. You're going to have to come in with us until we get this all sorted out."

"I'm calling my lawyer."

"You can call him at the station," Olivia replied.

Holden grumbled all the way to the interrogation room. When they placed him inside, Alex Cabot poked out of the observation room. She fixed the two of them with a withering stare. She nodded her head to the room she had come from.

"A word, detectives?"

They followed her into the observation room, cautiously. Alex stopped by the window looking in on Eric Holden. After a quick study, she turned back to Olivia and Elliot.

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked.

"Don called me in when he got the word you were bringing in Holden. So you found me some proof?"

Olivia stepped forward. "Sara told us that when she saw him he was wearing dark jeans. That's what we found him in when we went to talk to him."

"And?" Alex prompted, incredulous, "you found me a witness, a fingerprint, a strand of hair, a confession? Something that puts him out on that street?"

"She did describe him," Elliot replied.

"And he claims never to have been there. You want me to wake up a judge on Sunday with nothing more than a pair of pants?"

Olivia started to argue. "Alex..."

"It's a coincidence," Alex retorted. "Circumstantial at most. I'll be laughed out of chambers, if I'm not skinned alive first."

"She saw him."

"Maybe she did, and maybe she just thinks she did. Either way, there's nothing I can do without something solid. Any lawyer will argue that of course she knows what clothes he owns. If her own mind dreamed it up it only stands to reason she'd describe him in something familiar. As long as he denies it, all we've got is he-said-she-said."

Alex's expression softened to sympathy. Olivia knew that she wanted to help, she was just bound by the rules of court. That knowledge didn't stop her from being angry. He wouldn't cop to it, she knew that much, and his lawyer was going to have a field day when he got there. And sometime after the circus she knew was to come, she'd have to tell Sara that her father was still walking about freely.

"While I have you here..." Alex paused, uncomfortable with whatever she had to say. "The sexual abuse itself is not an open and shut case."

"What are you saying?" Elliot demanded.

She sighed. "When his attorney gets here, I'm going to offer a plea."

"He deserves the full bit!" Olivia felt her stomach clench and her hands ball into fists. This was completely ridiculous.

"I agree, but I'm not confident a jury will see it our way. The condom was never recovered. I don't want to take the chance he'll get off. A reduced charge is better than nothing at all."

She wanted to scream, but instead she turned on the heel and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Olivia couldn't believe how everything started to circle the drain so fast. The people walking the halls gave her wide berth, the anger plainly visible on her face. She stopped for no one, and no one was foolish enough to ask her to. She neither knew nor cared where her legs were taking her.

Eventually she found herself ascending the stairs, pushing open the door to the roof so hard it slammed against the brick. She kept walking until she got to the railing, staring across the skyline that was dominated by various buildings. The wind blew against her and sapped the heat from her body. Her thin shirt offered minimal protection, and she felt her cheeks start to burn from the cold.

Olivia knew that Eric Holden was guilty, knew it to the very fiber of her being. Everyone she worked with knew it too. If only knowing equated to solid proof. Hadn't they seen enough of these types of cases for their gut feelings to have some weight? Just because she knew she'd be arguing with that very opinion if she weren't so damn angry didn't make her feel it any less strongly. At least for the time being.

And here she was feeling sorry for herself, rather than the person who actually deserved sympathy.

Olivia's leather coat slapped against the railing as Elliot set it in front of her. She wondered how she missed the sound of the door opening.

"I don't think hypothermia is going to solve anyone's problems," he said. His gaze mirrored hers off into the distance.

She glanced down at the garment, not sure what it represented. Despite the fact that she was shivering, she had to know before she'd accept the offering. "If you came up to say I told you so, you can just turn right back around."

Elliot laughed. "I came up to make sure you didn't turn into a popsicle."

Sighing, Olivia finally put on the jacket. Rubbing her arms, she tried to chase away the numbness that had settled. Then she turned around and leaned her back against the railing.

"I told her we'd find something. Put him away."

She saw him nod out of the corner of his eye. "And he should be. But we both know things don't always go as they should."

Far too often. If she got started, she could go on all day listing the cases that had gone horribly wrong. Perps that were on the streets killing far longer than they should have, or ones that had gotten away with it altogether. So why was she so surprised when it was happening again?

"With the plea he'll be out in a couple years," Olivia said, finding the thought very hard to swallow.

"Yeah, but Sara will be somewhere else. Get a chance at a new life. Sometimes we just need to take what we can get."

She wasn't really interested in being placated, so she just gave Elliot a noncommittal nod.

Chapter 9

"Well excuse me if the expanding presence of Big Brother leaves me a little edgy," Munch lamented. Sara watched on curiously.

"You're just whining because you had to spend all day at the DMV," Fin countered.

Sara fought back a giggle.

Munch leaned in towards the girl, giving a wink as he spoke. "One should not have to produce more forms of identification than one has teeth."

"You could always stop flossing."

It had to be the most ridiculous argument she had ever heard. Sara addressed Munch. "You're crazy."

"See," Fin blurted, "even she knows it and she's only known you for five minutes."

Munch's hands clasped over his chest as though gripping a blade. "You wound me."

Fin's eyebrows raised in exasperation as he settled back down at his desk. Realizing that the entertainment had dried up, Sara went back over to Olivia's desk and sat in the chair. Her life had been one giant waiting game, always waiting for the shoe to fall. Now that what she waited for is so important, she found herself growing impatient. Eying the doorway into the bullpen, she willed Olivia to enter and tell her what she's been waiting to hear.

Sadly her telepathy is rusty, and she found herself staring off for so long she drifted into a light sleep.

Her brain settled in the fog of half-sleep. Where thoughts flowed into dreams, but you're still aware of the sounds around you. So she heard the footsteps stop beside her, and only started slightly when a hand descended to her shoulder. Olivia stood over her, and immediately Sara smiled. But she soon noticed the sullen expression, and the smile evaporated. The look alone threatened to bring her to tears.

Olivia motioned to a nearby room, her voice little more than a whisper. "We need to talk."

As she followed, she stroked the bunny tucked inside of her jacket. It was bad, she knew that much. Her mind shuffled through the possibilities. Olivia couldn't find a new place for her. The case was being dropped because no one believed her. And the worst her mind had come up with, she'd have to go back to her dad.

Sara sat down automatically, unable to look at Olivia as she pulled a chair up in front of her. The silence seemed to hang in the air forever, and Sara was afraid to break it.

"I wish I didn't have to say this." Sara's body tensed so much she feared she would snap in half. Olivia sighed before continuing. "We don't have enough to prove your dad broke the Order of Protection, so we can't put him in jail for it."

"What?" There was a short-circuit in her brain, so she couldn't quite process the words.

"I'm sorry."

She squeezed the bunny into a pancake. "He was there."

"I know he was, but we just can't prove it."

And her anger continued to build. "You said that you would."

Olivia's tone remained soft, apologetic. "I really wanted to. I thought that we could."

Sara did start to cry, silent tears. Empty promises were something else she thought she was used to. Normally she expected disappointment, so was never really disappointed. But this time she had truly believed. She was starting to remember why she had stopped believing in the first place. The shattering of her hopes was a tangible pain in her chest.

"Also... they're offering him a plea bargain."

That meant less time in jail, she knew that much. "Why?"

"Because if it goes to trial he might not be found guilty," Olivia replied.

"So he's only getting part time?" Now she wasn't sure if she was angry or afraid, so she just stared blankly.

Olivia frowned. "Maybe, he hasn't agreed to it yet, and he might not."

Sara stared at the wall and cleared her mind until the tears stopped. She was too angry at Olivia to let herself cry in front of her. When she saw Olivia start to reach for her, she shrunk back. The woman got the hint and stopped.

"I will get you another place to stay," Olivia said. Her voice was adamant. "And cops will drive by throughout the day to make sure everything is ok. You will be ok."

She wasn't impressed. It didn't matter that the words were spoken with more conviction than she had ever heard. One promise broken was more than enough for one day. Her voice made her thoughts perfectly clear. "Whatever."

Chapter 10

She reasoned. She pleaded. She cajoled. She even threw in some thinly veiled threats for good measure. Olivia had been cycled through so many departments that her head was beginning to spin. The phone had nearly fused into a permanent fixture on her head by the time she accomplished what she had set out to do.

"Finally." The word floated out as she exhaled in relief.

Elliot eyed her from across his desk. "So they finally broke down? Smart move."

"Yeah." Olivia could feel the headache looming in the horizon. "I only had to wheel and deal through half of the people at ACS to do it."

Noon had long since come and gone, but this was something she refused to give up on. She found a foster home, technically already at capacity, for Sara to stay at. The social worker had been very resistant, and even when Olivia had managed to wear him down he was adamant that it was only temporary. A week at most. She was smart enough to know that she wouldn't get any better, so she had readily accepted.

She'd go through the whole damn thing a week later if she had to.

Sara had been ignoring her since she had broken the news. The few times she tried to talk to her, see if she needed something, were met with disinterest. Munch had mercifully taken over when it became apparent the attitude wasn't going to miraculously change in a couple hours. And now that she had a place to go, he offered to take her over. Olivia figured it was for the best.

It did give her time to catch up on paperwork. She figured it was the least she could do since the Captain didn't gripe at her being tied up on the phone most of the day. But he had always been good like that, giving them a little extra rope to do what they needed to do. You'd never find it in any of the manuals, but there were times you just needed to go above and beyond or the job would just eat you up. Either you kept caring, or you stopped altogether.

Of course, her mind didn't actually stay on the reports and notes. Olivia thought about the case, about Eric Holden, and of course about Sara. She wondered if he'd take the plea. She also wondered if a panel of jurors would be snowed into believing his innocence or not. He had a decent job, and a couple nice suits. Some people were easily blinded by such status symbols.

Whatever did end up happening, she wondered what would happen to Sara. The girl was resilient enough, if given half a chance she'd probably flourish. Would she get that chance? Olivia would do everything in her power to make sure she did. She shook her head, it wasn't all on her. Alex was a damn miracle worker in the courtroom. She'd make sure enough dirt stuck to Holden that losing custody would be a foregone conclusion.

And despite all the other wonderings, the top one on her brain at that moment was if Sara would forgive her misjudgment. In her haste, her own outrage at the situation, she had promised something she couldn't be sure she could deliver. While Olivia hadn't said the word itself, they both knew it had been there. It was one of those things that got drilled on you early on, don't promise what you might not be able to deliver. Because the last thing a victim ever needed was more disappointment.

Sometimes you had to, for yourself as much as anyone else.

"Accomplishing much?"

At the sound of Elliot's voice, Olivia shook out of her stupor. So much for getting some work done. "What?"

"You've been looking at that same report for the last ten minutes," Elliot said.

"You know how much fun paperwork is," Olivia answered wryly. She tapped the papers on her desk to reorganize them, and then tried again.

"Fun for the whole family."

"So maybe you should get on it."

Elliot responded with a cocky grin. "I've finished a lot more of it than you have today."

And this is why they made such good partners. They could go from serious to banter in the blink of an eye, knowing just what the other person needed to hear. Opening a drawer, she shuffled through the sticker pad she kept there for kids, tearing off one that had a bunch of balloons with 'GOOD JOB!' emblazoned through the middle.

She flicked it across and it fluttered on top of the clutter on Elliot's desk. "I'm out of gold stars."

"My loss," he said, making a flourish of sticking it to the side of his monitor.

With things so normal, Olivia actually managed to get something done. For a little while she even managed to keep her thoughts away from all the what-ifs that were plaguing her. It was nice to get away from the morose. Olivia was quite productive until Alex entered.

She came to a stop between the two desks and removed her glasses. Alex turned her head to Olivia and gave her a small look of sympathy, promising they'd exchange apologies later in a less public setting. Olivia knew she had far more to beg forgiveness over than the other woman. When she returned with a small smile tinged with embarrassment, Alex shifted to address them both.

"I guess you'll be happy to know that Eric Holden refused the plea bargain," she said.

Olivia found herself more surprised than anything. She had been almost certain he would accept, and actually the thought of a guaranteed sentence had been comforting.

Elliot shared her surprise. "Why would he take such a gamble? He could have been out on parole in a year."

"Well, when I went back to get his answer I got the impression that his lawyer was for it. Mr. Holden, however, was quite vocal in his decline."

"He's a vocal guy," Elliot said.

Alex's brow raised in an expression that said 'no kidding'. "Very. There was a long diatribe about the insult to his character for even offering such a deal. He's sick of us mucking up his good name, and wants the harassment to stop immediately."

"He has it coming. Maybe he'd find it wouldn't stick so hard if he was actually innocent," Olivia retorted. She hoped the stink never rinsed out.

"I was a tad more diplomatic, but you've caught the essence."

Elliot shook his head. "So he thinks a trial is going to be easier? Even if he did manage to weasel his way to a vote of not guilty, the publicity is going to ramp up."

It definitely didn't play out as the smartest move he could have made. His best bet would have been to take the plea and try to sweep it under the rug as quietly as possible. He'd get a nice label, but fewer people would know about it. If it were Olivia trying to salvage as much as possible, she'd definitely go with a guarantee rather than an off chance.

But being a cop and not a perp probably skewed her thinking along different lines.

Chapter 11

It was a delicate balance of time. Letting enough time pass so that she wasn't putting pressure on Sara. At the same time, she didn't want to wait too long and appear callous. Olivia hated trying to measure the ratios in her head, because it depended completely on the person in question. She could hardly claim to know Sara that well.

Olivia wanted to apologize if possible. At the very least she wanted to assure the girl that she was doing and would continue to do all she could to help in the case, and in any other way she may need. Sara was smart enough to understand that, that much she did know about her. And she probably knew that Olivia had not deliberately tried to hurt her or break her trust. Didn't make it any less painful, but it was a good foundation to keep things from settling into resentment.

After a couple days she called the foster home. She talked to the husband, Dave Lombard, and left a message that she'd like to talk when she was ready. Olivia didn't ask him to get her on the phone, not wanting to force Sara to talk out of a sense of obligation. That wouldn't help the situation any.

So she waited. Worked on new cases that came in, and looked over what they had on Eric Holden. Nothing as solid as DNA, apparently the one thing that man was smart enough to do was dispose of his condoms somewhere else. But it was strong enough, she had to believe. Strong enough for Child Endangerment, surely, and hopefully oh so much more.

Olivia sat on her couch, watching nothing in particular. Some random sitcom that got played when night blanketed the sky. Two days more had passed, and she was getting impatient. It was too late to justify a visit now, but she'd definitely make sure that everything was ok tomorrow.

Her cell phone rang as she contemplated calling it an evening. She picked it up, seeing Elliot's name flash on the screen. Olivia frowned, they weren't catching that night.

"Yeah, El?" She got straight to business, knowing with near certainty that it would be work related.

He wasn't fazed. "Got a call from the Lombards. Possibly sighted our friend nearby, but didn't get a good look."

"The squad car?" Olivia asked, referring to the patrol that was supposed to swing by the house regularly.

"Flagged them down on their way through, but whoever it was was already long gone. And it gets worse."

She didn't like the sound in Elliot's voice. Sara had been hysterical the first time, Olivia could only imagine what she'd be like now. "Sara must be freaking out."

There was a pause before he responded. "She's not even there."

"What?"

"Look, that's all I really know. I'm already on my way, I'll be to you in five."

"Ok," Olivia said. She was already standing, sliding the phone into her back pocket as she went to retrieve her gun and shoes. In her haste, she nearly left her jacket draped over the small table. Her muscles were tense as she descended the stairs two at a time, torn between anger and fear.

The two minutes she spent standing on the curb dragged on forever. She swore under her breath until she saw the sedan round the corner. Elliot barely stopped to let her in, and she wasn't able to shut the door before he was once again on the move.

Just fine by her.

"What the hell is he trying to pull?" Olivia wondered.

Elliot shook his head. "We're not even sure it's him."

"Once I might buy. But twice? It's him. And it's the Lombards that saw him this time."

"I know," Elliot agreed. "They just didn't like the look of him, and thought the hair might be the right color. They're not sure what they saw. I tagged Munch and Fin to go check out Eric Holden's apartment."

She nodded, even though they were both looking at the road ahead of them. She didn't pry further, because really it was all supposition until they got to the house and heard all the details firsthand. Olivia approved as Elliot ignored pretty much every traffic law in getting there. They pulled up behind the squad car.

A uniform met them on their way to the door. "We did a sweep of the perimeter and surrounding area, didn't find anything probative."

"All right, thanks," Elliot said. The Lombards stood at the front door. Sounds of children sneaking around could be heard through the open door. He shook their hands, and Olivia followed suit. "Mr. and Mrs. Lombard, I'm Detective Stabler. This is my partner, Detective Benson."

Olivia continued. "We need you to tell us exactly what happened."

Mr. Lombard spoke. "I was shutting down the house for the night. On my way through the living room I saw someone outside. Wasn't going to think much of it, but he was just standing there, you know? Then before I knew what was happening he took off."

"And Sara?" Elliot asked.

"I checked on all our kids then. She was gone."

"When was the last time you did see her?"

He shrugged. "Around dinner, maybe eight at the latest. She keeps to herself, and we try to respect that."

"None of the other children saw her after that?" Olivia prodded. There were plenty of them in there, after all.

"Mostly we got boys. Sara and Gracie share a room, but Gracie was out tonight. She spends most of her time in there."

They double-checked with the kids, but got the same response. With a quick thanks Olivia and Elliot turned back to the car.

"That wasn't very helpful," Olivia muttered. "I'll see what Fin can tell us."

Elliot leaned against the car as she dialed her cell. Fin's answer was drowned in the sound of a fist banging on a door and Munch's voice calling out. "Tutuola."

"It's Olivia. Give me something."

"Cut it out!" The pounding stopped. "We just got here a couple minutes ago. Lights are out and we can't hear nothing inside. He ain't here. We'll talk to the neighbors and see if we can find out when he left."

"All right. Keep us posted."

"Will do."

She looked over to Elliot. "Well he isn't at home."

"What if he doesn't have her?"

Olivia blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, let's assume it was him out here. They saw him and found that she was missing immediately after. He didn't have time to take her, and if he did he wouldn't have been standing around on that street in the first place." Elliot stopped and gave the implications time to sink in.

And Olivia couldn't help but feel like an idiot. "She was already gone." And on her own volition. Olivia started towards the driver's side, motioning for the keys. "I know where she went."

Chapter 12

Sara exited the subway onto the street. The chill in the air was getting worse as winter approached, and she drew her jacket tighter to stave it off. She wished she had brought a hat, but looking for one would have blown her cover. While it may have been childish to go off without telling anyone, she didn't want to explain herself.

Or to expose her safe haven to complete strangers.

They were nice enough, sure, and they didn't smother her. What they did was a lot worse. Pretty much everything sharp in the house had been tucked away. The first day she arrived, when she went to cut up an apple for a snack, she found the knife block completely bare. And she immediately knew it was because of her. Sara was so upset she didn't ask, and struggled through the fruit with a butter knife, making a sticky mess. Part of her wanted to leave the puddle there in defiance, but she hadn't dared.

Maybe she could understand it, after all she was a long ways from trusting them so why should she expect anything different in kind? But no one talked about it, or even acknowledged what they were doing. It made her so angry that she kept putting off calling Olivia back. Because she may still have had some lingering resentment towards her, but the second she talked to the detective she knew she'd burst into tears. She didn't want to make her feel guilty, Sara had seen how long she had been making calls that day. It didn't take a genius to know what she had been doing.

The anger distracted Sara from the fact that she was walking alone. A.J. would have been more than happy to walk her over, and had offered when she called from the payphone. He had been helping her so much lately that it made her feel kind of guilty, so she had declined. She heard his hesitation, but A.J. let it go. He knew when Sara didn't want to be pushed.

Sara was nearly frozen solid by the time she reached the apartment building. The ladder hung down like it always did when she came by. Thinking better of it, she gripped the rungs through the sleeve of her jacket, and pulled it up behind her. The metal frame clattered as she pulled herself up to the third floor, and her destination.

She wiped the foggy window clean, and rapped lightly. A.J. leapt up with a smile. The window frame was warped, so it didn't open all the way. Sara squeezed through with a couple inches to spare.

"Hey!" A.J. greeted as he closed the window back up.

"Hey," she said back, sighing as the heat prickled at her frozen exterior. The TV in the room was already on to mask her presence. Even so, she had always kept her voice extra low whenever she was there.

He frowned. "Kind of cold to be going several blocks with just a jacket."

Which she had the sense to stash in her room, when no one had been looking. "I snuck out."

Sara had wanted to be able to talk about it sensibly, rationally, but the tears she knew were lurking simply spilled forth. Luckily she had cried enough in this room to know how to do it quietly. She sat on the edge of the bed and held her head in her hands. A.J. never judged her, but she always felt a little uncomfortable crying in front of him. It would be far worse were it anyone else.

He kneeled on the floor in front of her, resting his hands on her knees and saying nothing. She appreciated the contact. Neither of them were very good at initiating or receiving physical contact. It made their respective progress in that field that much easier to appreciate. Before him merely holding hands with someone was a test of will. Now she didn't tense up if a teacher patted her on the back or did something else equally trivial. Baby steps.

A.J. sat patiently, and she knew that he'd stay that way until she was ready to talk or move on. Despite the tears that were still soaking into her collar, Sara smiled. And she gave a deep exhale.

"They're a bunch of idiots," she blurted. She peeled off her jacket and tossed it in the corner.

"Why's that?"

"They give me a look, like I'd fall apart any moment. Even the other kids there do it. I have to ask to use knives or whatever." Sara stood up, feeling the need to move. They didn't have the decency to tell her what they were doing, or why.

A.J. thought about it, sitting back on the bed while she paced. "Sounds like they're trying to help, just totally the wrong way."

"They never said one word about it. I had to figure it all out myself. I've only been around 'em when I have to be."

He frowned. "You talk to Olivia? I'm sure she'd talk to them or get you somewhere else or whatever."

"No," Sara turned to A.J. with a sad look. "I was a jerk to her, and she still did all that stuff to get me moved. I still haven't apologized. I don't want her to feel guilty about it."

"She'd understand. I mean you said she still helped you, she can't be all that mad."

Sara nodded, because it was often impossible to fight his logic. This was one of those times. Sometimes it could be annoying, especially if she wasn't ready to jump out of a bout of self-pity. But she wasn't annoyed now, she had really needed to get the whole thing out in the open.

"I guess I will tomorrow."

It was past eleven when they both fell asleep. Sara always got his bed, while A.J. unrolled a sleeping bag on the floor beside it. He never let her take the sleeping bag, and she had long since stopped bothering to try. It was the only thing he ever argued with her over, with complete sincerity.

The bunny was rescued from her jacket, nestled next to her on the pillow.

Her dreams turned back to that night, with the yelling and the sound of the door splintering. But the door wouldn't break down. They just kept pounding at it, shouting threats to all inside. Sara was puzzled, because it wasn't right at all. It had all been over in a second, but this dragged on forever. And the voice, that had started indistinct, became more familiar as she dragged out of sleep.

Sara's eyes opened but the pounding didn't stop. It echoed through the apartment. A.J. stirred at the same moment.

"Open this damn door!" Sara's body turned to ice as she heard her father screaming. Her stuffed animal magically appeared clutched in her hand. He was at the front door, because she could hear the sound echoing through the bedroom door. He kept pounding the door.

"Shut the hell up!" she heard another male voice respond. Sara guessed it was A.J.'s dad.

There was a sharp snap she could only guess as the chain being violently pushed to its limit. Now her father's voice was that much clearer. "Let me in, now!"

"Get out now, pal! I'm calling the cops!"

A woman's voice now. "What's going on, John?"

"Call the cops, Ellen! Tell them we got a damn psycho up here!"

Now she finally heard it, the snap as the door finally gave way. It slammed so hard that the walls shook. Sara couldn't identify the sounds of violence she heard after.

"Where is she?" her father screamed. Sara's heart was pounding so hard she feared it would explode. He was looking for her, she knew that much.

"Who the hell are you talking about?" A.J.'s dad responded. There was a loud chorus of glass shattering.

"Where are you hiding her? I know Sara's here!"

A.J. stood. "Stay here."

Sara was shaking, and barely managed to grab his arm before he was out of range. Her voice came out as a sharp hiss. "A.J.!"

"Just don't make a sound," A.J. responded, prying out of her grip. She gave a small sob as he left the room, quickly shutting the door behind him. All Sara had been able to make out for that brief second was chaos. She stayed sitting on the bed, unable to get her legs to move.

The screams made her jump, their intensity something she had only heard in films. Tears fell as she could only guess what was happening through the closed door. For the barest seconds, everything went silent.

Footsteps. "Get out!" A.J. screamed. "Get out now!"

Sara's brain took precious seconds to realize he was yelling to her, not her father. She scrambled to her feet, fully clothed except for her shoes, still gripping the bunny with all her life. The window creaked as she heaved at it with all of her strength. It didn't move. She made a small sound of frustration as she realized it was locked, then fumbled with the latch.

"Where is she, boy?"

The window slid halfway open. "Leave her alone!"

Now that she was actually in a hurry, the warped window only served to hamper her. She whimpered as she scraped her shoulders, banged her hips against the confined space. Sara was so consumed in her task that she didn't register that her father and A.J. were the only two voices she could hear.

Then there was a sound of pain, and she couldn't help her own cry in return. The bedroom door opened with a resounding crash. Sara was all but out, and shrieked as a thick hand clamped on the foot that she had yet to drag out with the rest of her. His grip threw her off balance, and Sara crashed to the grating, dropping the bunny.

Her father's grasp only tightened, and she wondered why her ankle didn't simply shatter in his hands. She kicked out and tried to pull away, but he didn't let go. There was a loud pop and the cracking of glass as he forced the window open the rest of the way.

Sara cried out again, the cry swallowed into a half sob.

Chapter 13

On the way over they caught the emergency call on the radio. To that very apartment building. To that very apartment. Olivia turned on the siren immediately, putting Elliot's previous driving completely to shame. Elliot did the only thing he could, calling in that they were also responding to the call.

They arrived at the same time as the radio car, coming to a near collision as they both pulled to a sloppy halt. Olivia barely acknowledged them as she made her way into the building. Elliot filled in the officers on everything they knew without slowing.

She heard the yelling from the stairwell. It was far too muffled to make out words, or even distinct voices. The sound drove her on. Olivia felt her hairs stand on end, and a heavy feeling settled in her gut.

At the third floor she pushed the door open, and scanned the hallway quickly. It was empty, and she was sure all the doors, save the one blown open, were firmly locked. She had to struggle to follow protocol, wanting to rush right in. But she wouldn't be any help if she got herself incapacitated.

Olivia waited for the others to catch up, going in as a group. The two officers went left, and she and Elliot turned right. She took a quick glance and saw the two adults on the floor in the living area, where the officers went. Blood smeared the furniture and the ground.

"They're dead," Olivia heard one say as she turned back. And there was A.J. crumpled against the wall. His hands pressed against his stomach, blood seeping between his fingers.

Elliot was ahead, dropping down to him first. "We need a bus!"

The door to his bedroom was half open, hanging at an angle. Olivia squeezed through, gun in the lead. It was empty, and she heard a new wave of screams filter in through the open window. She barely paid it any attention, but couldn't help but note the cracked glass that spider webbed across the pane. Cautiously, she peered out the window, able to hear them more than see on the grating far above.

"He's going to the roof," Olivia called back. She was already outside when Elliot entered the room, having gotten one of the officers to look after A.J. The sobs filtered down cleanly in the crisp air.

"Please!" The word was so raw it was almost just a noise. They followed up silently, announcing their presence would just cause him to panic and possibly do something before they could close the gap. Olivia pulled herself up the fire escape, feeling her limbs tremble with overwhelming fear.

"Shut up, you ungrateful bitch!"

She heard the reverberation of the slap, and the yelp that followed.

"I'm sorry!" Sara's voice wavered with tears.

"You ruin my life and you're sorry? I should cut you into pieces!"

Olivia finally pulled herself onto the roof, but Eric Holden was almost to the other side. They were behind the stairwell door, so she had no line of sight.

"No!" The girl's reply was immediate. Olivia ran.

When she came around the corner Olivia found Sara standing between her and her father. No shot.

"Police, Holden! Let her go!"

Holden looped one hand through Sara's armpits, lifting her up higher for more protection. His other hand grasped a knife and angled it at her neck. She could see the blood coating it in the dim light. He took a step away.

"Back off, now!" he growled. Sara's eyes were tightly shut as she cried.

Olivia didn't move. She couldn't afford to give him too much room to breathe. Elliot appeared from the other side, and Holden turned over in his direction. The knife did not move.

She still couldn't risk it.

"Drop the knife and put Sara down," Elliot ordered in a steady tone. Holden split his gaze between them, backing up even more.

"Come on, Mr. Holden..." Olivia paused as her voice quivered. "Let's work this out."

"I'm not going to jail for this brat. I won't let her turn me into an outcast."

"Sara's just a kid. It's not her fault," Elliot replied, softening his voice.

Holden shook his head. "It's all her fault!"

"It's my fault," Olivia countered. "I'm the one who made her give a statement."

For a moment she thought he might lunge at her. Wished he would. But he managed to stay still, only just. His hand shook.

"You don't want to do this," Elliot said. He took a small step forward and Holden took a larger one back. Elliot stopped moving again.

Olivia fought to keep her gun steady. She fought to keep breathing. She fought to keep some semblance of professionalism.

Holden addressed Sara, his tone mocking. "Why the hell are you crying? I thought you liked to get hurt?"

"Please don't," she plead weakly.

"I should kill the whole lot of you."

"We don't want any more bloodshed," Olivia said. She knew it was only going to get worse. The look on his face said so. All she could hope was that he made a mistake before it reached that point.

She gave a silent prayer.

"Why couldn't you have just stayed out of our business?" Holden was shouting again. Sara flinched, and the knife nicked her shoulder. She instantly froze, and they both tightened their grip on their guns.

"Put her down, Mr. Holden. Let's end this on a good note," Elliot said.

Holden's brow rose. "A good note."

"Yes," Elliot confirmed.

"Go to hell." He hadn't even finished the sentence when his knife slid against Sara's neck. She flinched away and Holden dropped her immediately. He turned and started to go for the edge.

Holden didn't make it as he went down to a barrage of bullets.

Olivia was kneeling at Sara's side before she even knew she had moved. The girl's hands were clasped over her throat, and Olivia quickly added her own pressure. Her eyes were open wide with fear.

"Don't try to move, ok?" Olivia wanted to give Sara her jacket, but she didn't dare move her hand. "Keep looking at me."

Elliot pulled off his coat and took the radio from his belt in one motion. As he draped the fabric over her, he spoke firmly. "Is that bus here yet?"

"On its way up."

"Send them to the roof, we've got a critical."

Olivia felt the tears roll down her cheeks, burning the frozen skin. Bloody foam bubbled up the corners of Sara's mouth.

"Hang on, honey. Hang on for me."

Chapter 14

Olivia watched the proceedings as though they were something completely foreign to her. The paramedics rushed forward, pressing her out of their way. She stumbled back a few steps before she regained her balance. Everything went by in a blur, and all Olivia could do was follow dumbly.

She only spared a brief glance for Eric Holden's corpse.

Their trip down the stairwell was slowed just enough to keep pressure on the wound. It seemed too slow. Or unbearably fast. Her mind couldn't decide which. She couldn't even understand what they said, the words lost all their meaning. Olivia slid her way into the waiting ambulance.

Sara's eyes closed, and Olivia wrapped her arms around herself tightly, oblivious of the blood that still coated her hands. But the paramedics didn't even slow down. Nor did the activity increase. She took that as a good sign, reminding herself that they weren't overly worried about it. Of course it all was relative, Olivia was well aware of how serious things were.

She remembered Gitano. Her flesh wound versus the little boy that didn't make it. As the paramedic had told her then, she had been two centimeters away from a body bag of her own.

But no, she had to think positive. Even though she could barely think at all.

Olivia barely registered when they arrived at the hospital. Someone stopped her from following and she struggled for a few moments as she watched the gurney disappear down the corridor. Her jacket was pulled open, and hands probed along her shirt.

She finally looked down at the nurse as the woman repeated herself. "Are you hurt, ma'am?"

The question confused her, and Olivia looked down. She finally saw all the blood, coating her hands, and smeared across her jacket and pants. She blinked a few times. "No. It's... It's not mine."

A towel was dangled in front of her. "Wipe off as much as you can, then you can wash up in the restroom."

Olivia followed the instructions automatically. She got the worst of it off her hands, then handed the towel back to the waiting nurse to be disposed of. She completely ignored the woman already in the restroom who looked at her appearance in shock and quickly exited the room. She scrubbed her hands, only able to think of how surreal it seemed. It was far from the first time she had gotten someone else's blood on her, but she usually had a few more degrees of separation and impartiality.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Olivia's face was streaked with dirt that must've been shaken loose from the fire escape. Did she miss the sensation because her face had been frozen numb, or because she had been completely focused on the task at hand? No wonder the nurse was concerned, she looked like hell. Now she was dawdling. Olivia gave her face a quick scrub, then headed back out.

The nurse was at the station, and Olivia stopped in front of her. "The girl I came in with..."

"The doctor will tell you when there's something to know," she said. She gave Olivia a sympathetic look and pointed towards the waiting room. And she saw that Elliot was already there.

He paced until he noticed her walking over, then he stopped in his tracks. Olivia took a seat nearby, staring at the floor.

"How is she?" he asked softly.

"I don't know," Olivia responded. She put her head in her hands as she pushed away the emotions that wanted to bubble forth. "She's alive. She's alive, but she was unconscious."

Elliot took the seat beside her, sighing. "They said A.J. was stable. Took him to surgery. They don't think any organs were hit."

Her chest was too tight to reply. She just nodded. It was good news, but she couldn't show much enthusiasm. Not when she had no idea if Sara would be ok.

Hours passed in near perfect stillness. When her limbs started going numb it was from inactivity rather than cold, and Olivia paid just as little attention as she had on the roof. She only glanced at the door, waiting for someone to come out. Waiting for something so she could shed the weight that was crushing her chest. They should have seen it coming. She should have seen it coming. It was so obvious now, Holden's attitudes and reactions should have told them that he'd snap.

And at that moment, if someone had guessed at her thoughts and even tried the whole 'hind sight is twenty/twenty' cliche, she would have snapped.

The door swung open and Olivia stood. She had no way to know it was their doctor, certainly they weren't the only people there. Her gaze held as he came to a stop.

"Sara Holden?" he asked. Olivia realized that she didn't remember giving the paramedics her name, but clearly someone had at some point.

Thankfully, Elliot responded, as her voice still seemed to be lost somewhere. "How is she?"

"She is alive," the doctor stated. Olivia knew she had more to say, and that one sentence only said so much. But... she was alive.

He clasped his hands together as he continued. "Sara is really quite lucky. The wound tapers, probably because she pulled away, and most of the damage was confined to her trachea. The corroded artery was only grazed. Actually, most of the danger came from her choking on her own blood. We've stabilized her blood pressure, and have her on oxygen. She is sedated now, she probably won't be awake until some time tomorrow. And that's the soonest I'll allow her visitors, she'll remain in recovery until then. She was lucky to get medical assistance so quickly."

Olivia had tried to listen to it all, and only really caught a fraction. "She's going to be all right?"

"Her condition is serious, but she is stable. I don't foresee any complications."

Relief turned her bones into jelly. She would have collapsed, but Elliot was quick to guide her to a nearby chair. Sara had survived. It seemed like an impossibility, something she had been afraid to believe too strongly. But it had happened. It had. A smile crept on her face.

"She made it."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah, she did."

Olivia wanted to argue with Elliot when he insisted it was time to go. The problem was that she also wanted to collapse into a boneless heap. Now that her fears had been calmed, all her energy left with them. So she hesitated because, if she did resist, she'd probably end up proving his point for him.

And really she did not want the aforementioned boneless heap to be slung over one shoulder and carried out.

She followed him out with a sigh of defeat. Her legs were still a little shaky, but Olivia managed to keep her feet mostly underneath her. Well enough that Elliot let her be, even if he was keeping watch out of the corner of his eye. Outside the sun was just starting to rise. The shafts of light made her blink.

In the car she watched the world fly past the windshield, not really taking any of it in. The familiarity lulled her. She tried to fight it out of principle, but the token resistance barely slowed the process.

"Hey, we're here," Elliot said as he shook her shoulder.

It took Olivia a few seconds to recognize her apartment building. She got out, and Elliot did too.

"You don't have to come up," she told him. With mild irritation.

He tilted his head. "Humor me."

Shaking her head wearily she waved him to follow. Mainly because she only just realized that he was walking around without his coat, or else she'd have continued the argument. Olivia didn't have it in her to be cruel right then. She didn't talk all the way to her door.

Opening the door, she turned back to him. "Satisfied?"

"I could hang around for a while."

She didn't want to talk. Not yet. Hell, she didn't have enough handle to even know what she would want to say. Nor did she want company.

"Go home. I'm just going to go crash anyway."

"Ok," Elliot said after a few moments. "Cragen doesn't want to see you until Monday."

Olivia nodded, relieved when he finally turned to leave. She shut the door behind her and tossed her jacket on the back of a nearby chair. The rest of the clothes she peeled off in the bathroom, dropping everything in a pile. She'd figure out what was salvageable later, or perhaps just throw everything out. Probably the latter.

The air and the exercise had refreshed her enough that she didn't even want to look at her bed until she washed away all the evidence of that night. So she turned the tap on hotter than usual, hoping to get the lingering chill from her bones. The water cascaded down her body, and she allowed herself a few moments to just let it flow over her. She had thought it, and even said it already, but it finally, really, truly hit her. Sara was alive. She was going to make it. She had survived.

Tears came suddenly, nearly doubling her over with their strength.

Olivia braced herself against the wall. It had taken her by surprise so she listened to her echoing sobs with a tinge of fascination. Her breath hitched so hard that it hurt. She wasn't entirely sure what she felt. Definitely relief, but there was far more to it than that. Anger, fear, remorse, and a huge pile of guilt.

"Damn it!" She slapped the tiles in frustration. On the roof she had been anything but calm or collected. Knowing that just made her angrier. If she hadn't been fighting overwhelming terror so hard, maybe she would have seen an opening. Did she miss one? Was there even one brief instant where a clean shot would have ended the whole thing?

The thought that Sara's struggle to live might very well lie on her shoulders crushed her. Olivia's tears ran out long after the hot water did.

Chapter 15

Sleep proved to be more elusive than she had expected. When Olivia first entered her apartment she figured she'd be out the moment her head hit the pillow. But when she did collapse on the bed, water still beaded on her skin, Olivia found herself restless.

Her eyes sagged shut, but blissful unconsciousness didn't last long. Images of that night continued to run through her head. She had nightmares, nothing she'd label with such a tame word as 'dream'. In each one it all went wrong in a different way. In one Holden was merely less sloppy, his cut clean and precise. Sara had been dead before she even hit the ground. Another had Olivia finding herself with a clear shot, but her hand was shaking so badly that she hit Sara instead.

Though it was close to noon when she gave up on sleep, she felt no more refreshed for her efforts.

She made herself a sandwich. If she couldn't get any sleep then maybe some food would help her feel more human. Olivia barely touched it, spending most of her time staring blankly at the wall as she stood at the counter. At least there was nothing left, the tears and nightmares had wrung her until she only felt numb. Her only company was the ticking of the wall clock and the errant sounds of the city.

Shaking out of her stupor, Olivia knew she needed to find something to do with her day. If she just sat around her apartment, she knew the brooding would just get worse. Work was out of the question, though the thorough ass-chewing the Captain would give her would easily kill some time. And it would be entertaining, because every now and then she needed to argue with somebody.

Another reason she and Elliot were such good partners, they both could give as good as they got.

She thought better of that idea, though. Picking a fight with Cragen for the sheer sake of it was dangerous ground. He was far more lenient than he needed to be with them. In return, she tried not to piss him off when she didn't have to.

She'd go to the hospital. They might not let her see Sara, but that didn't preclude her from asking about the girl. And they'd probably let her in to see A.J. That would help assuage some of the guilt she had for not giving him a second thought. If Elliot hadn't said anything, Olivia probably wouldn't have remembered to ask.

Olivia frowned when she saw that she was lucky if she had eaten a quarter of the sandwich. She wrapped it up and tossed it in the fridge, feeling a different guilt because it would likely be growing mold before she'd even remember it was there.

She left with an old leather jacket she pulled out of her closet. The seams were fraying, but she hadn't been able to make herself throw it out, even though she hadn't worn it again until that day. Now she had a small swell of pride that she could rub it in people's noses that it wasn't a waste of space after all.

The same nurse was at the station. She recognized Olivia even without the blood and grime, and she stiffened as though preparing to go into a lengthy explanation of 'doctor's orders'. She was obviously very used to people trying to wheedle their way in.

Olivia raised her arms in surrender, preventing the words from being uttered. "I know, I know." She gave a placating smile. "I only want to ask how she's doing."

"Ms. Holden's condition is still stable," she read from the computer screen. "No changes."

"Thank you. Is the boy that came in with her able to take visitors?"

The nurse nodded. "Mr. Price is in room two-twelve. He's probably still disoriented from the sedatives if he's awake."

"I'll keep it short," Olivia promised.

Olivia walked to the elevators, making her way to the second floor. She walked into the room, not giving herself a chance to think about it. A.J. had been sucked into the very heart of a situation no one should have to face. His whole world was shattered in the course of a few short hours.

A.J. wasn't asleep when she entered, his head turning slowly. The nurse hadn't been kidding. Olivia could tell from his lidded stare that he was doped to the gills.

Olivia smiled, her voice soft. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Woozy," A.J. replied.

"I hear you were pretty lucky."

One shoulder raised in a half shrug. "I guess."

The anguish in his voice was painful to hear. She took his hand and gave it a squeeze. His eyes shone with unshed tears.

"I heard them go by with Sara. It sounded bad. Is she..." A.J. paused, unable to say the word.

She shook her head immediately. "She's alive, A.J. They got her in time. She's doing ok."

His voice cracked. "I thought he was going to kill her."

"He didn't," Olivia assured him. "She was too tough. You both were."

She blinked away her own tears, surprised that there were any left to shed. Hadn't she done enough of that already today? Apparently not, but she could hold it. Olivia didn't want to upset him any further, and had hoped the conversation wouldn't get this far in the first place. A stupid thing to hope for, as well meaning as the sentiment was.

A.J. turned his head away, embarrassed. Knowing it was hard enough for him, Olivia didn't draw attention to the act. She didn't say anything at all. She just stood there.

"I'm kinda tired," A.J. said. While she was sure he was tired, Olivia figured he also didn't feel like talking anymore. He turned back towards her, a little calmer.

Which didn't necessarily mean he wanted to be alone. "Do you want me to go?"

"Could you just... hang out for a little while?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

She let go of his hand just long enough to slide the chair beside his bed.

Chapter 16

Olivia had actually managed to get some sleep on the cheap plastic chair... until a nurse came in and shook her awake. She wanted to be mad, but the twenty minute nap left her neck feeling like someone had tried to stomp it into a suitcase. She might even have thanked the woman if she weren't so busy trying to rub the kink out. Taking the hint, Olivia left the nurse to do her business.

On the elevator she stretched her shoulder to a loud pop. The sound made her sigh, she was getting too old for this sort of thing. Though, she could never remember falling asleep in a chair being a pleasant experience.

At the station she spoke to a different nurse, but Sara's condition remained the same. Stable and improving. She wondered if there was any way to get in to see her sooner. Olivia wanted to be sure she woke up to something familiar. There was also an entirely selfish desire to actually see that she was ok.

But the nurses would not be swayed. Tomorrow, and no sooner.

The intervening hours held lots of boredom and little sleep. Olivia tried to lose herself in the banality of television, but the distraction it provided proved only to be minimal. Her thoughts continued to return to her own guilt, so by the time she returned to the hospital her body was taut with the emotion.

The nurses gave her minimal fuss. She promised not to disturb Sara, she just had to be there. Despite their reluctance, Olivia was insistent, and in the end they were no match. Olivia got the room number and could barely restrain herself from running.

She pretty much knew what to expect; Olivia had seen people in the hospital in every condition possible. She was well aware that the various apparatus would crowd the room: heart monitor, an oxygen cannula disappearing into the fray, IV, and some others she could only identify as familiar. She even knew that Sara would look different. Cleaned off and in proper lighting, Olivia knew she'd see things that she hadn't noticed before. And yet this knowledge provided no defense against her reaction.

Her gaze immediately fell to the bandage across Sara's neck. It was pristine, and the thought of what it covered made her eyes well. Olivia pulled her eyes away, up to Sara's face. There was a deep bruise on the right side, and she could see the crisscross pattern from the fire escape. Its purple color only served to make her face appear even paler.

Olivia touched Sara's arm, feeling the warmth radiating from it. Watched her chest rise and fall in a steady pattern. Listened to the rhythmic sounds of the machines. Focusing on the tangible proofs that Sara was ok, would be ok.

This time when she cried, it was all relief.

She stood there for a long time before she finally succumbed and took a seat. Nurses came in and out, eying Olivia curiously, but not saying anything. Perhaps she had a look about her that told them anything they might say would just be wasted effort. She was grateful for that much.

The sound of more footsteps had Olivia turning to the door. Instead of another nurse, she saw Elliot standing there.

"Thought I'd find you here."

Olivia raised her brows. "Could have called to make sure."

"I tried that," Elliot replied, his lip quirking into a half smile.

Her hand immediately went to her back pocket. The familiar bulge was missing, and she sighed. She hadn't thought to fish her cell phone from the laundry pile. Or her badge. Her gun had been the only thing she managed to put away.

"So," she began, "what do you want?"

"Just thought I'd stop by. How's she doing?"

"Improving. Still hasn't woken up at all." And Olivia realized she had lost track of the time. She scanned the room for a clock, and saw it was just past two.

"Good. How long have you been here?"

It had been early, that much she knew. But before she could respond her nose twitched. Frowning, she smelled the air more thoroughly to be sure it was what she thought.

Greasy noodles. Chicken. The sharp aroma of sweet and sour sauce.

Olivia's stomach jumped up, demanding to know what was the hold up?

She eyed Elliot dangerously. "You better have brought more than just the smell."

"Would I do that?" He held out the previously hidden bag for her inspection.

She snatched it immediately, pulling out the carton from within. "Yes, you would."

And he had before, so he just shrugged. Olivia found the fork, and took the first bite of the lo mein. Her stomach wept in gratitude. Elliot didn't speak while she ate, knowing she wasn't going to stop to answer. He just stood there and took in the scene for himself. Before she knew it, the box was empty. She threw it in the trash bin with a tinge of regret.

"You look like hell, you know?" Elliot said.

"Always the charmer."

He shook his head. "Seriously... How are you?"

Olivia thought a moment before coming up with an answer. Something safe, but enough to satisfy his interest.

"Getting there."

A comfortable silence fell over the room. Having a full meal rather than the sporadic portions she managed at home did wonders. She felt more alert, and less like she was running on fumes. Sleep would go an even longer way towards that end, but that would have to wait.

They both looked over at the sound of the hoarse moan, barely loud enough to hear. Olivia stood and moved closer to the bed. She watched Sara's eyes crack open, only partway, and only for a moment. Then she was once again out cold. It could hardly be called consciousness, and Olivia knew that the girl would never remember opening her eyes, but it counted.

Olivia smiled, and Elliot followed suit.

Chapter 17

Everything was dull, muted. It was a sensation she was unfamiliar with. It scared her. She fought against the feeling, but her effort only seemed to force her deeper into the mire.

Sara rode the drugs like an inescapable current. Sometimes they pulled her so deep that there was absolutely nothing. Occasionally she rose towards the surface, sometimes so close that only a murky film stood between her and what lay beyond. If she had just the tiniest bit of control, she knew she'd be able to reach out and touch it. But she never quite did.

When she reached these peaks she got snippets of her surroundings. These disjointed sensations only served to confuse her further. Sara could feel pain, muted by that very same film. She couldn't tell where she hurt, it was to indistinct, and even the reason for the pain slipped through her fingers like a handful of sand.

She also heard voices, and quiet conversations. Most of it didn't process beyond the fact that someone was talking. And even when she did hear the words, she never fully understood them.

"... come back tomorrow?" Sara didn't know the voice.

"I need to be here." That voice she did recognize, but names were also to slick to hold onto. The desperation made her feel desperate also. She was talking about leaving, and Sara didn't want that. Knowing she was there, hearing her, helped keep her calm. Sara didn't want to lose that.

She clawed her way up, struggling to break free. She wanted to tell her to stay, not to leave. The grip loosened, only just, and she felt herself skim across the barrier. Between the hoarseness of her voice and the drugs, actual words were lost. It was more of a sob. She felt the pain more clearly, more sharply. A smoldering burn deep in her throat. Her eyes were too heavy to force open.

Sara felt a hand stroke her forehead. "Shh, it's ok, Sara. Relax for me."

But she couldn't relax until she was sure she was understood. When she tried again, the result was closer to actual language. The effort made her wince.

"Don't try to talk, Sara. You need to rest."

The word was horribly cracked, but it was a word. "Stay."

"I'm right here, ok? I'm not going anywhere." Sara felt the hand slip into her own. She tried to grip it with all the strength, which wasn't very much. "I'm staying right here."

The exertion left her drained and Sara couldn't fight the drugs as they pulled her back under. She drifted with the ebb and flow some time longer, before the waves finally deposited her on dry land.

Her eyes slid open, and she blinked against the lights overhead. She continued to stare straight up as her eyes adjusted. Sara's brain struggled to catch up to her body, to understand where she was. Soft beeps in the background made her brow furrow. The antiseptic smell was unpleasant.

Eventually she turned her head towards the machines. Tape pulled slightly against her neck at the action. It took several minutes before her brain was able to put the pieces together. She was in a hospital.

With that knowledge, she slowly turned to the other direction. Olivia laid on an unmade bed, her jacket bunched up as a makeshift pillow. Even as disoriented as she was Sara could tell the woman was exhausted. Olivia's arm hung over the edge of the mattress. She was dead to the world. Sara decided not to disturb her. She looked back up at the ceiling.

The reason why she was there still eluded her. Sara had a feeling that she didn't want to remember, so she didn't pursue it very hard. It revealed itself slowly, starting with a fear of something terrible. Then the realization that the something terrible had already happened, which only served to increase her fear. Her chest tightened painfully as she waited for something that she wasn't fully aware of. She didn't dare make a noise.

With a faint creak the door opened as a nurse entered. But to Sara's ears there was nothing faint about the sound. All she could hear was crashing. All she could see was him. Sara screamed and fought against the blankets and tubes that seemed to tie her down. She couldn't negotiate them before hands were on her. Her eyes were once again tightly shut.

Sara curled herself up, whimpering and gasping for air.

"Sara, honey, listen to me." Olivia's voice was soft and reassuring. "You're safe. No one's going to hurt you. I'm right here. You're safe now."

She latched onto the hand that stroked her arm. The memories had her in tears, and she listened as Olivia continued to speak. She was slow to calm down, and hardly noticed the rawness in her throat. Finally she was reduced to lingering sniffles, but she was still reluctant to let go of Olivia's hand.

"Hi, Sara, my name is Jessica. I'd like to ask you some questions and make sure you didn't hurt yourself just now. Is that ok?" Sara opened her eyes and looked over to the nurse, who smiled nonthreateningly. Uncertain, she bit her lip.

Olivia's free hand cleared away stray hairs that had fallen across Sara's face. "If I stand right here like I am now, will you let her?"

She nodded slowly.

"All right," the nurse began, "are you having any trouble breathing?"

Sara shook her head.

"That's good. Do you feel nauseous or dizzy?" She waited for Sara to shake her head again. "Bet your throat is pretty sore, though."

"Yeah." The word came out like gravel.

"Ok. I'll get you something for that. If you start to feel different, let someone know, ok?"

Sara nodded again, deciding against speaking.

Olivia spoke to the nurse before she could move. "Maybe we should prop the door open for now?"

Sara watched the whole time as the woman opened the door again and slid a wedge under it. She only watched the open portal for a few moments before she started to drive herself crazy, and she shifted her gaze away from the door. Just as she thought, she wished she didn't remember. But she remembered every single sound, every single thing she saw. The hands that grabbed her already slick with someone else's blood.

Olivia sat down, Sara still clutching her hand, and found the new position had them looking eye to eye. Sara's lip started to quiver, and she had to close her eyes.

"He killed them all."

Olivia squeezed her hand. "No. A.J.'s alive. I've already talked to him, he's going to be just fine."

"Really?" She had been sure that when he cried out, that was the last thing she'd ever hear from him. The relief was overwhelming.

"Yeah. And he wants to see you as soon as the doctor lets him."

She nodded as much as her bandage would allow. "Me too."

The nurse returned shortly and injected something into her IV. Sara felt herself once again drifting off.

Chapter 18

The doctor double-checked Sara while she slept. He assured Olivia that she had not pulled stitches or otherwise aggravated her injuries. He also assured that the medication she had received would keep Sara out for several hours. And, since the sun had finished its descent, he insisted that she leave the hospital. Get some real sleep, he had suggested with a sympathetic smile.

Olivia had been resistant, but the doctor was equally firm in his decision.

While she did go home, she already knew that sleep would be bust. She had managed to get a few hours at the hospital. It had even been real sleep, uninterrupted until Sara ripped her out of it with her gut wrenching scream. The adrenaline was still lingering in her system and she wouldn't be able to lay down for quite some time. When she did manage to get herself into bed, she never quite got so far as closing her eyes.

Before she knew it Sunday had come. Olivia didn't rush. She just kept on laying there for a while, even though she had spent the entire night doing just that. Her muscles were limp and she felt no compulsion to force them into action. Rest, that was all she wanted. To forget everything that had occurred long enough to have a real night's sleep.

Olivia got up, conflicted with her decision. She couldn't help that it felt like an admission of failure. It always did, even if she knew better. Her life had been a practice of strength and independence. As a child there were precious few people she could trust with any of the things she considered important. And then when she decided to go to the academy, she knew that you had to prove yourself or no one would take you seriously. Something that had become equated to not asking for help from anyone about anything.

Dressed, and she actually remembered her phone this time, Olivia left her building and got into her car. She drove to Queens hoping to God that she wasn't interrupting anything. Also hoping that Elliot wasn't sleeping in, it was only nine o'clock after all. It was a testament to her desperation that all these worries didn't turn her right back around.

She stood outside on the front porch, wishing she could peek in and find some signs of life. Of course all the curtains were drawn and she could hear nothing definitive. Olivia sighed, because she didn't come all this way to change her mind now.

Taking a breath, she knocked. While she waited she wrapped her arms around her chest and let her eyes wander across the neighborhood. Embarrassment was translating into nervous energy. Olivia was shifting from foot to foot when she heard someone on the other side of the door.

The door opened, and Kathy stood there in a robe. She smiled. "Olivia, hi."

"Hi, Kathy," Olivia stammered. For some reason she hadn't expected her to be the one to open the door. She had hoped for Elliot, because with him she wouldn't have to explain herself. Hell, he'd probably take one look at her and know instantly.

But maybe Kathy knew more about the situation than Olivia expected. Her look was sympathetic. "Come on in, we're actually in the middle of breakfast. Plenty if you're hungry."

Or maybe Olivia just looked as crappy as she felt. Her will was faltering. "Oh, no, I don't want to intrude. Actually, I'm not even sure what I was thinking."

"Olivia," Elliot called. She had started to turn, but stopped at his voice. Olivia couldn't quite look him in the eyes. His tone was soft, but she knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Come on in."

Outnumbered, she stepped inside. She kicked off her shoes and hung up her jacket.

"How do you want your eggs?" Kathy asked. One brow raised, daring Olivia to argue. A look that was no doubt honed to near perfection through years of parenting.

"Um, scrambled's fine."

She followed them into the kitchen. A third place was set, the plate half empty, but she noticed no signs of the kids other than Eli.

Elliot noticed her confused look. "You just missed Dickie."

"I thought he didn't want to be called that anymore," Olivia replied.

Elliot shrugged. "Just don't tell him I said it."

Eli squealed in delight at her presence, Cheerios spilling all over as he banged on his high chair. She couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He babbled on in a language Olivia had never understood. It was her firm belief that only parents could hope to translate for their babies. And she wasn't convinced that they didn't make it up half the time. She kneeled beside his chair.

"Hey there buddy. Got something for me?"

Olivia held up a hand and he slapped it with both of his pudgy fists. Something resembling 'high five' came out of his mouth as he dissolved into a fit of giggles. She ignored the sticky residue Eli left on her palm.

Kathy slid the cooked egg onto a plate and handed it to Olivia. Elliot slid over what was left of the bacon and she took a couple strips. All the while Olivia thought she really had to stop this habit of needing other people to feed her. Of course breakfast had not been forefront in her mind that morning.

While they ate Elliot and Kathy related stories about the kids. Dickie's new girlfriend. Lizzie's on-again-off-again boyfriend, who was currently on-again. Kathleen was thriving. Maureen didn't drop by enough for their liking. And Eli was turning into quite the little terror. Kathy didn't know how she was going to keep up with him for much longer.

Apparently it wasn't the first time she had called Eli that. He started repeating 'little terror' in his baby speak and caused more Cheerios to fly. The reaction made everyone laugh.

The light conversation did wonders. Olivia needed a good laugh. It eased her nerves, making it so much easier to sit and breathe. When everyone was finished eating Elliot took her to the living room while Kathy cleaned up Eli. She sunk into the couch gratefully while Elliot sat in an adjacent chair.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" he asked.

"Some." An hour or two here and there probably didn't count. So, really, she was screwed.

He nodded as though he read her thoughts.

And the fact that he probably did on some level had Olivia amending her answer. "I thought seeing Sara conscious would let my mind shut down for a little while. But when she did really wake up she had a flashback, completely freaked. And after they made me leave. I couldn't sleep after that."

"You're gonna run yourself into the ground."

Olivia sighed. "I know. I just hate to think that..." I could have prevented it, she continued in her head. Out loud her words were more cautious. "that it didn't have to go like it did."

Elliot shook his head. "It wasn't your fault."

"I could have done something different," she blurted automatically. The words were a little louder than they needed to be, and her face colored as she looked in the direction Kathy had pulled Eli. Elliot wasn't concerned by her outburst.

"Done what, exactly?"

"I don't know. That's the problem."

"I was there too, remember. There was nothing else to be done."

Olivia replied bitterly. "You should know. At least you were calm."

Elliot laughed, finding her remark absurd. The suddenness of it made her jump. "Calm? We chased down a bastard sick enough to use his own kid as a shield. There is nothing calm about that."

"I guess not..."

"And anyone that can go into that with a completely level head, I wouldn't want to work with them. The only way you can be unaffected is if at the end of the day the outcome doesn't matter," Elliot said with all sincerity. "You need to give yourself a break on that. We did the best we could."

Olivia nodded weakly. She knew he was right and his logic was sound. It just wasn't that easy to put it behind her though. That would take time. But hearing it so unequivocally went a long ways to that end.

"Maybe you should call Cragen, ask for a few more days off," he suggested.

"No," Olivia replied. "I need something to do. I'm already driving myself crazy at home."

She knew Elliot could understand that. They both had a penchant for needing to work through stressful situations. If nothing else, she could feel useful.

As they continued to talk, Olivia barely noticed her eyelids starting to droop.

Chapter 19

Olivia began coming to to the incessant prodding of her face. Tiny hands poked at her cheek, tugged at errant strands of hair, and even grabbed at her nose. All the while declaring in an exuberant voice, "Up, up, silly!"

She groaned, rolling away from the irritation. Footsteps approached, and she heard Kathy's voice speak in a hushed tone. "Eli, I told you to let her sleep." Olivia felt the boy get swept up.

"Not sleepy time," he declared from above her. "Up time!"

"Well, it is sleepy time for Olivia."

It was too late to get back to sleep. As soon as Olivia realized where she was, she was far too embarrassed to even consider it. She rolled back over and pried herself up to a sitting position. She stretched out her arms, and couldn't help but notice that she felt pretty damn good.

"I'm sorry, he managed to sneak away from me," Kathy said.

"No, no, God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come here and wear a hole in your couch."

"Don't worry about it. Looks like it did you some good."

Olivia nodded. "I guess it did."

She glanced to the clock and saw that it was almost three. The longest stretch she had managed by far, over five hours. Olivia just wished she didn't have to feel so guilty in doing so.

She stood and allowed the blood to start circulating back through her limbs. Now that his task was done, as soon as Eli's feet once again hit the floor, he was off like a shot. Babbling about trucks as he went off to his room. He returned with a dump truck in one hand and a bulldozer in the other. They thudded against the carpet as he tromped over.

"Those are cool," Olivia replied. Eli nodded his agreement and started pushing them along while making engine noises.

Kathy shook her head at his antics. "There's some soup from lunch that I can heat up for you."

"Thanks, but that's not necessary..." The brow shot up again, and Olivia immediately backpedaled. "Actually, that would be great. Where's Elliot?"

"Elizabeth wanted a ride over to a friend's."

As soon as she finished, she excused herself. She just felt increasingly uncomfortable being looked after. And she wasn't used to spending time with just Kathy. Olivia left, and Eli insisted on giving her a sloppy kiss before she went.

She went over to the hospital. First she stopped off at A.J.'s room. He was awake, the bed raised up to a sitting position. When he saw her enter, he gave her a smile.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey there. You're looking better," Olivia replied.

A.J. nodded. "Yeah. They said that tomorrow I can go over and see Sara for a little while. Have you been to see her?"

"Not yet today. How are you doing otherwise?" She knew that the ordeal would be taking its toll on him as much as anyone.

"I've been thinking about it a lot."

"Yeah, me too." Olivia looked down at the floor for a moment. "I'm sorry about your parents."

A.J. turned away for a moment, rubbing at his eyes. "Still can't really believe it. I mean we could hear all the crashing and yelling, but when I went out... I wasn't expecting that."

And really, how could he? People didn't walk around believing something so horrible could actually happen to them.

Olivia took a bracing breath. "I'm going to do the best I can to help you. Both of you."

He gave her a small smile of amusement. "Yeah. Sara said that you would, before all of this. The first time I saw her really trust someone, besides me."

"Well I've meant everything I've said."

"I know."

"You know, she's lucky to have someone like you," Olivia said. It just came out.

The color rose in A.J.'s face. He cleared his throat. "Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, everybody needs someone to look out for them, don't they?"

Olivia nodded. She knew that it wasn't just some sort of perceived obligation on his part. He truly cared about what happened to Sara. And from the blossoming crimson, she knew that A.J. cared a lot. It was good to see. Olivia knew that the two would need each other if there was any hope of getting through it. Not over it, she wasn't naive enough to believe it would ever be completely out of mind.

She gave him a quick squeeze on his shoulder before she left. It was so much easier not to get overwhelmed by it all with some quality rest. Getting it, though, was likely to remain a chore until she knew everyone was where they needed to be. Wherever that was. Time and space constraints meant that it wasn't with her. Olivia's job simply didn't give her enough time to make sure they got all the care and support they needed. Her apartment wasn't much, and a civil servant's salary left a lot to be desired.

All she could do was be there as much as she possibly could.

The door to Sara's room was still propped open. Olivia saw that and began to approach more slowly, not wanting to startle her. She rounded the corner and saw Sara lying on her side with her head tilted towards the door. Her eyes were closed. Debating whether she should enter, Olivia decided to stay for a little while and then leave without waking her up.

When she got a few steps into the room Sara's eyes opened. She flinched, but then settled back down. Sara looked relieved to see her.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," Olivia said.

Sara shrugged. She hid her arms under the blanket, and Olivia guessed the short-sleeved gown was very uncomfortable for her. "I wasn't really sleeping."

Her voice was still rough, but it was clear talking wasn't quite as painful as yesterday.

"Feeling better today?"

"Some," Sara replied.

Olivia sat down next to the bed. She smiled. "That's good. You're looking better today."

"The doctor said that I could be discharged in a couple days."

Olivia frowned. She thought Sara would be excited about the prospect, but her tone was conflicted. "You don't sound too happy about that."

"Where will I go? I don't wanna go back to that place," Sara said adamantly. She chewed on her lip, clearly concerned about where she would end up. And Olivia couldn't really blame her. There was bound to be some time when nowhere would feel particularly safe. Going back to the Lombard's wasn't an option anyway, so that was taken out of the equation.

Olivia put a hand over Sara's, separated by the blanket. "I'm going to take care of it, ok? I'll make sure you go somewhere good. And if you don't like it, I'll just look for another one. So you don't have to worry about that."

"What about A.J.?"

"I'm going to make sure he's just fine, too. Ok?"

"Ok," Sara replied.

Chapter 20

Sara was so excited to finally be able to see A.J. that she sat on the edge of her bed while she waited. A nurse stood beside her in case the change in position made her lightheaded. She didn't notice one way or the other, and really didn't care. So long as it didn't stop him from coming.

Another nurse pushed him in on a wheel chair. As soon as her eyes locked on him, Sara broke out into the biggest smile she ever remembered having. Her eyes filled with tears. A.J.'s reaction was nearly identical. Sara stood up with the nurse's help, and felt a little wobbly. A.J. wasted no time in getting up himself, looking annoyed when it was more difficult than he expected.

She wrapped her arms around him tightly. He exhaled sharply, but returned the hug just as strong. Sara's head rested against his shoulder. While her grip loosened, she didn't dare let go. The tears refused to stop.

"You're really ok?" A.J. asked. She could hear the tears in his own voice.

"Yeah, and you?"

"I'll be fine. I'm sorry... I should have made you leave sooner."

Sara shook her head vigorously against him. "I wanted to stop you, but I was too scared."

"It's not your fault," he insisted. But Sara didn't see it that way.

"My dad killed your parents. Almost killed you... all because of me." Despite their home life, she knew A.J. loved his parents. There were times that he hated them, but of course the emotions were never that cut and dried. And love or hate, she felt their deaths heavily on her shoulders. If only she hadn't decided to go over that night, then they'd be alive and A.J. wouldn't have been hurt. She couldn't be as certain of her own fate, but it wouldn't have mattered.

A.J. pulled back, making Sara look him in the face. "Don't blame yourself."

"But..."

"Please," he begged. After taking a breath he continued. "You did everything you should have done. It's not your fault he was a psycho."

She didn't want to argue with him. He was too good at making his points. It did help to know that he didn't blame her. Sara didn't know what she would do if he had.

A.J.'s gaze went to the bandage on her neck. "Does it hurt much?"

All the talking and crying really wasn't helping, but she didn't want to stop yet. "On and off." Sara looked at his stomach, though the bandage was covered. "And yours?"

"A little." He also lied. They both smiled a little, realizing that the other was also holding back.

Sara was able to get some sleep while at the hospital. This was largely because she found herself too tired to resist, and apparently too tired to really dream. Being awake was much harder. She constantly stared in the direction of the door, watching those who entered or just passed by. Whenever she heard anyone approaching she always felt a moment of panic. Unfortunately, it was worse if the door was shut. Sounds in the hallway would get distorted, and in the middle of the day when it was busiest, Sara quickly found herself unable to breathe. After that they had been sure to keep it open for good.

Olivia had stopped by each day after work. Sara was grateful to see her, but found herself wishing the visits were longer. She knew that the woman had things to do, and was as reluctant to leave as Sara was to see her go. It seemed like too much to ask. And she might have asked anyway if she didn't actually think Olivia would stay. There was a part of her brain that knew Olivia wouldn't deny her, and that same part knew it wouldn't be fair.

She and A.J. were both discharged on the same day. Olivia had managed to get them placed in homes just a couple blocks apart, but that had been the best that she could do. Neither of them would be doing much walking for a few days, so a few blocks seemed like it might as well have been across the city. She understood that Olivia was doing the best she could manage with her limited influence.

The family was nice enough, but they were still strangers. It was even worse because she needed help changing her bandage. Between the location and trying to translate her movements through a mirror, Sara couldn't do it herself. She could barely look at the exposed wound. It disgusted her even more than any of the scars she had inflicted upon herself. Having someone else see it filled her with shame. Sara had found it easier at the hospital, at least there it had not felt nearly as personal.

Sara barely slept the first night there. She had a room to herself, which was for the best because she left the lights on and the door cracked open. Even with these precautions ever creak of the house made her body go on alert. Her eyes never seemed to close for more than a few minutes before something would pull her from the brink of sleep.

Olivia would visit on her way back from the precinct. While Sara didn't mention her problem, Olivia noticed her sleeplessness on the second day. Her expression changed to a small frown of concern.

"Are you ok?" Olivia asked.

Sara shrugged, not looking her in the eye. "More or less."

"You look like you haven't slept at all."

Diverting attention was one thing, but Sara had never been very good at blatantly lying. It just wasn't in her character. So her reply was to just sit there.

Olivia laid a hand on her arm. "What can I do?"

"I dunno." Sara shrugged again. She didn't know if there was anything that would make it any easier.

"Want to get out of here for a while?"

The offer was so unexpected that Sara just turned her head up and stared at Olivia blankly. She wasn't quite sure what Olivia meant.

Olivia replied to the expression. "If you want you can stay at my place tonight. I can bring you back here in the morning."

"That's ok?" Sara wondered.

Olivia smiled. "If you want to it is."

"Um, yeah. I'd like that."

It made her nervous, mostly because she wasn't used to this kind of thing. Someone other than A.J. going out of their way to try and help her. The fact that Olivia had been doing it from the start didn't make it feel any less strange now. Getting out of there... she couldn't think of anything that sounded better just then.

"Don't mind the clutter. I've never been very neat," Olivia said as she opened the door. As though to prove her point, she shed her coat on the nearest surface.

Sara bit her lip to keep from laughing. Looking around, she thought 'controlled chaos' would be a generous approximation. A stack of newspapers rested haphazardly on the end table by the couch. Dirty dishes sat in the sink, and the drying rack stood virtually empty. Everything was in the general place that it was expected to be, but that was about it. It spoke of a person that either didn't have the time or inclination to tidy up, perhaps neither. Only a few degrees separated the space from being a disaster.

Oddly enough, Sara found it kind of refreshing.

"Ok," Olivia added with a sigh, "I'm a slob."

This time Sara did laugh. "It feels lived in."

"I spend more time at the precinct than I do here. Which might be why it looks like it does in the first place. Housecleaning doesn't tend to be a priority after pulling a double."

Probably not, though Sara would hardly be one to know.

They were sitting on the couch watching some movie that Sara couldn't bother to focus on. Her mind was more concerned with getting over this irrational fear she had. Her father was dead, after all. The threat was gone. And yet here she was day after day drawn up tight just waiting for him to come back. Waiting for something else because she just couldn't believe that it was over. It didn't really matter that she knew things didn't work that way. Bad things didn't just go away, even if she wished they would.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," Sara blurted. It seemed pathetic.

There was a pause before Olivia responded. "It takes time, but it will get better."

Her tone spoke of personal experience. Sara remained silent as Olivia gave her a sullen smile. She wasn't sure what to say because Olivia didn't seem the type to have something bad happen to her. And if something did happen, Sara couldn't see her having difficulty in resolving it. The thought was a frightening to consider.

Olivia gave her a serious look. "Just don't try to deal with it all yourself. You have people who want to help you, so let them. That makes it so much easier."

Chapter 21

Olivia didn't discuss her own experience. She figured that Sara was dealing with enough just then. No doubt it would come up again, but for now it wasn't really important. It would probably only serve to upset the girl even more.

"You need to rest. Go ahead and take my bed, I'll sleep out here," Olivia said after Sara had calmed down.

Sara was quick to counter. "Oh, no, you don't have to do that. I can sleep on the couch."

"Does it help if I say I insist?"

Sara's face reddened and she shook her head in appeasement. "Ok... Do you mind if I keep the light on?"

"Of course not," Olivia replied. She watched Sara make her way down the short hallway to the bedroom. It didn't surprise her when she saw the door remain wide open.

Olivia pulled out an extra blanket and pillow and settled down on the couch. Her body still remembered the many nights she had used her couch as a bed, and Olivia was quickly asleep.

She wasn't sure what woke her back up. Olivia stayed still for a few moments while she figured it out. The sound of crying had her up in an instant. She walked over to her bedroom, the lamp light reflecting down the hall. Before she stepped through she stopped, not wanting to startle Sara.

"Sara?" Olivia called softly. "I'm coming in, ok?"

Sara was sitting in the middle of the bed, a pillow folded up against her chest. Her head hung down against the material as she continued to cry. Olivia sat down next to her, wrapping her arms around Sara. The girl wasted no time in abandoning the pillow and curling up against her.

"It's ok," Olivia said.

She sat that way until she started to feel Sara drifting off against her. Olivia tried to settle Sara back against the bed without waking her, but the motion caused the girl's eyes to open.

"Try to get some sleep," Olivia insisted as she started to pull herself up.

Sara's hand remained latched to her arm. "Can you stay, please?"

It was clear just how hard it was for Sara to ask. Instead of replying, Olivia simply sat back down and pulled the covers up over them both. She laid on her back and Sara snuggled up beside her. Mere moments passed before they were both asleep.

They both woke up to the sound of the alarm. After getting ready, Olivia dropped Sara off and pulled into the precinct.

Olivia sat at her desk with a sigh. It was more to lament having to be at work than for what sleep she had lost. She was relieved that Sara had slept soundly after she had stayed in the bed. They both were dead to the world until the alarm had gone off.

The fact that Sara could sleep at all gave Olivia confidence that the girl would be ok given enough time.

"Earth to Liv," Elliot called out.

Shaking out the cobwebs, she looked at him. "Huh?"

"Gonna daydream all day, or actually get some work done?" He smiled mischievously.

Olivia glared at him, though the expression was equally teasing. The way he commented made it clear he noticed her good mood. In response to that she found it difficult to be angry.

She looked down at her notes for the latest case "So we're interviewing the family today?"

"That's the plan."

The case was straightforward enough; they were just covering their bases. Melissa Trent recognized her attacker. Olivia and Elliot were going to his family to verify the alibi he'd given, and get any other pertinent information they could manage.

Olivia wasn't expecting much except for a long drive upstate.

Elliot returned to serious mode. "How is Sara?"

"As you'd expect. Nightmares, anxiety... all that lovely stuff that comes with something so traumatic. She's getting through it."

"And you?"

Olivia smiled with a bit of humor. "Getting through it."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah, well Eli was sad to see you go the other day. You bring out the best in him."

Olivia could see Elliot reliving whatever the toddler had put them through. Now it was her turn to be mischievous. "Well I can get away with it. After all, I can just leave after."

"I'll be sure to remember that," he said wryly.

Olivia gave him a look of mock horror, feigning innocence.

The questioning was about as interesting as the drive there and back had been. Everyone agreed that they had met at a restaurant in Manhattan for a family dinner. It was tight, but the times they had given made it at least vaguely possible that Damien Kindler could have made it across the island to attack Melissa at her home. A far from airtight alibi, as they had already suspected.

It would have taken some wild driving and the grace of Hermes, but it could be done.

Olivia wasted no time in stretching out the kinks as the car came to a stop in the garage. She had one final chore before she left for the day...

Chapter 22

Sara sat at the bus stop beside A.J. They were going to a different school, but she was just thankful that they were going together. It would be tough enough without having to do it alone. Self-consciously, she pulled up her turtleneck a little higher.

Dealing with strangers might be easier than having to deal with people she knew at her old school. Either way there would be whispers and rumors, but at least these people would only be guessing hand have no clue what the truth was.

As though sensing her thoughts, A.J. grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze as they boarded. Sara smiled at the contact. Ever since the hospital, they had grown more affectionate, holding hands often, or otherwise stealing touches like an arm on the shoulder. It made Sara feel like everything would be ok. With him constantly telling her as much, how could she doubt it?

He was constantly pushing her, expanding the limits she tried to impose on herself. Going out in public, not allowing the horror of her brush with death to dominate her life. Despite the enormity of the task, he never pushed her any further than she could handle. A.J. would stop when it was all becoming too much. When she wanted, he would simply listen to her fears and nightmares. He encouraged her to talk; he simply refused to let her shut down her life because of it.

Sara was also seeing a psychiatrist, and A.J. encouraged her to talk there as well. It was difficult after living so long holding things in. But she always managed to say something. Even if it was just a small little insight into herself. She did this because A.J. was always so proud of her for doing even the smallest thing. If she didn't speak she knew he wouldn't hold it against her, but she wanted to get better as much as he did.

The bus stopped and Sara got off with her head up. While A.J. was with her she could stand the curious looks she got when people noticed her bandaged peeking out. IT would be a different story when they separated for the day. For the moment at least, she reveled in the confidence boost his presence provided.

"Act normal and no one will even notice," A.J. said with a smile.

"I know, but it still feels like everyone's looking," Sara replied.

He nodded, always understanding. "Yeah. It'll pass though. The bigger a deal you make of it, the bigger they will too."

She kept that thought with her the rest of the day. Sara tried to act like she would on any other day she didn't have an embarrassing bandage on her neck. The day went pretty well, and there were even moments where she forgot about it herself. The few people that did ask received a slightly flustered "accident" in response. Luckily that seemed to satisfy them, or at least stop them from asking more questions.

As she walked home with A.J., Sara realized that she was spending most of her time with him or with Olivia. She was just fine with that, it certainly made it easier to sleep at night. The nightmares didn't come as often, and when they did it was much easier to get back to sleep after. It really helped to be surrounded by so much love and positive energy.

"So," A.J. started, "where are we going tonight?"

Another new situation in her life, he could actually go to the place she was calling home. There was a strange novelty to something so simple. She shrugged, they were pretty much going back and forth anyway. "I guess over to mine. We can study for that math test tomorrow."

He frowned, and Sara laughed. Math wasn't one of A.J.'s better subjects. He was more into hands-on things. Numbers had always come easy to her, so the tutoring was one thing that had always made her feel helpful.

"Geometry wouldn't be so bad if they didn't want you to remember so many stupid formulas," A.J. grumbled.

"They do give you some of them."

"Some," he parroted.

Sara rolled her eyes. Playfully, and certain to be extra careful, she shoved him. She knew his behavior was as much due to his general dislike of the subject as it was to get a reaction. An attempt at normalcy. But none of this was really normal to her, and Sara had never been more glad of the fact.

"A.J." Sara said, making him stop and turn to her. Her following actions were so foreign to her that she couldn't come up with an excuse for them if she tried. Unsure what to do with themselves, her hands braced on his shoulders. Sara pulled up on her tiptoes to get up to his level, pressing her lips against his.

The kiss was chaste, and over just as soon as it had begun, but it was still the boldest action she had ever taken.

Realizing what she had done, Sara's face burned a bright red. Her gaze dropped down somewhere towards the sidewalk, but she noticed the color beginning to stain his cheeks as well. A.J. squeaked as he tried to say something, cleared his throat, and tried again.

"Cool," he stuttered.

Sara smiled out of awkwardness. She didn't regret it, far from it, but she was in new territory. This was the first time she had kissed someone. "I like you."

A.J.'s response was adorably clueless. "Yeah..."

"A lot," Sara clarified. She was finally looking up at him again, her hands shoved into her pockets to keep them from shaking.

"Oh," he answered. Then, he finally understood. "Oh! I get it. Yeah... yeah. Um, did not see that coming."

"Me neither."

They both just stood there for a while, equally confused at how to continue. Sara wondered just what A.J. thought. Maybe this was a bit too sudden. And what if he didn't want to be any more than friends in the first place? There was hardly anything that could be done about it either way; she was as surprised by it as he was.

"I'm glad," A.J. said.

Sara blinked, expecting rejection. "What?"

"I like you too. A lot. But I didn't want to put you in a position you weren't comfortable with. Figured it was best not to say anything about it."

"I see."

A.J. was now beaming, and held out his arm in a chivalrous fashion. He raised an eyebrow. "Shall we?"

Sara giggled at his antics, and her face flushed again as she looped her arm through his. It just felt entirely too silly. But she still went along with it. Hell, at this point a little embarrassment wasn't going to stop her. She was far too giddy now for that.

Most of the trip back to the house was a blur. And studying became the ultimate practice in concentration. Her mind was stuck on the fact that they both liked each other that she could hardly care less about the volume of a cone, much less remember how to calculate it. A.J. didn't seem to be doing much better, but they did at least make the attempt.

"Sara!" Nina Sawyer, one of her new foster parents called out, "Olivia's here."

She got up and opened her door. A.J. just smiled, walking down to Tad's room. The six year old thought that A.J. was the coolest, and was always trying to get his attention whenever he was there.

"What's up, slick?" A.J. greeted as he went in, waving to Olivia as he did.

"Didn't realize you two were busy," Olivia said.

Sara's face was turning colors again. "Just studying."

Olivia gave her a curious look. "I see... Should we be having some sort of talk?"

"No!" Sara shut the door behind her, and regained control of her voice. "We didn't do anything."

"You seem awfully flustered over nothing," Olivia commented. She sat down on Sara's bed.

"Not that. We... kissed."

"Kissed."

"Yeah." Sara sat on the chair at the small desk. Her face was once again on fire. "Well, actually, I kissed him."

"Lucky guy," Olivia cooed.

Sara was mortified by her reaction. Of all things, she didn't expect a playful response. Not that she had really thought about telling her yet. "Stop it."

"Did world's collide? Stars align?"

"Come on!" Sara pleaded. She hid her face in her hands, wishing away the bright color she knew it now sported.

"Ok, ok. On the serious side, I'm surprised it took this long."

"What do you mean?" Sara asked.

Olivia shook her head. "After five minutes it was obvious you two had something, even if neither of you realized it."

"That obvious?"

"To the trained observer. Well, to pretty much anyone I'd guess."

Sara felt like an idiot. "Jeeze. I didn't know it was that bad."

Olivia smiled. "It's cute."

"Not helping," Sara warned. She was starting to feel less embarrassed at least.

"Sorry. Anyway, I came here to give you something."

"What?"

"Well, given recent developments, you're probably not interested in it."

Sara frowned. "You're being mean."

"Ok... so, I figured you might want this." And with 'this' Olivia reached into her jacket and pulled out the old bunny. It gleamed from the recent cleaning, something it hadn't received since Sara had laid eyes on it. She had wondered what happened to it, but hadn't been able to bring herself to ask. Part of her was worried that it had been lost forever.

"You found it?"

"The crime scene guys had to keep it for a while until everything got sorted. Thought you'd appreciate having it back," Olivia said. She got up and handed it over to Sara carefully.

Sara squeezed it affectionately, then launched herself at Olivia and gave her a big hug. "Thank you!"

"Anytime," Olivia managed to wheeze out. She returned the gesture with equal enthusiasm.

Tears of joy ran down her face; for the first time in her life Sara felt she belonged to something.

FIN – Hope you enjoyed it.