So, Starbuck aka Coffee has finally decided to torture you guys with another chapter!! ;-)
I really enjoyed writing this chapter and hope you enjoy reading it just as much. Song this chapter is Hundred by The Fray.
Thanks to Wepdiggy for the Beta. He puts himself through visual torture each chapter just for you guys. Thanks Wep!!
The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight
...
Emily sat on the edge of her bed, tapping her foot against the ground and biting her lower lip. The shower was still going, so that meant Sarah wasn't back in her room yet. Emily had been sitting there since Sarah had entered the shower, trying to get up her courage to approach her mother. She would openly admit that the blonde was intimidating; her sharp eyes and the edge in her walk were only two of the reasons Emily found herself cautious around Sarah. She also knew that her mother was a killer and probably knew a hundred ways to incapacitate her. While she was pretty sure that the blonde wouldn't resort to such measures with her, she really didn't know her mother.
I don't know her. She's a stranger. The thought caused Emily pain. She'd always wished that she could have known Sarah; had that bond that mothers and daughters possessed; now she was so close to perhaps being able to grab onto a whisper of what she wanted. Her desire to talk to Sarah prevented her from being able to think of anything else, but the nervousness she felt caused her throat to tighten at the thought of approaching Sarah.
The sound of water pounding against the tub suddenly ceased and Emily inhaled deeply. She'd wait for a little bit after Sarah entered her room to ensure that she would be decent. She heard the bathroom door open and saw the light spill through the gap in between the door and the hardwood floor. She swallowed hard and counted the seconds slowly, her pulse beginning to race.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…
She waited for a few more moments before standing and beginning to pace. Okay, if I don't go now I never will. She started for the door and put her hand in the knob, hesitating. I can't do it. Yes, I can. I need to. I want to. But still her hand did not move. Dammit, Emily, move! She gritted her teeth and twisted the knob, slipping out into the hall. Sarah's door was cracked and Emily stepped up to it, gulping. She brought her knuckles to the door and rapped lightly.
"Come in," Sarah called.
So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
...
Chuck entered the kitchen, finding Carina sitting at the table. "Hey, Chuckie." Carina greeted.
"Um, hey," he replied, sitting down at the table. He hadn't seen Carina in a long time and seeing her gave him familiar pains. His and Sarah's relationship had been simple then compared to now. "So do you three have everything worked out around our protection?"
"For the most part," Carina replied. It amazed Chuck that even saying something that simple Carina somehow made it seem like she was flirting. "Sarah's been hard to get alone though, so Bryce and I had to do it ourselves."
"I know how that is," Chuck murmured, shifting in his seat slightly. Carina chuckled.
"Do you really think Sarah would want to be alone with you right now? Sarah is scared of you and Emily; it's written all over her face. She knows how she hurt you and now she doesn't know what to do with the guilt she's feeling or how to make it better."
Chuck was surprised Carina had even noticed anything, much less taken the time to tell him that. Maybe she wasn't quite as detached as she seemed. "Why would she be scared of us?" He asked.
"This is Sarah we're talking about. I know it's been awhile, but you do remember Sarah, right? The Sarah I know and am seeing is the one who can't talk about her feelings and has trouble expressing all emotions. Who have you been married to?" Carina replied condescendingly.
"I guess you're right," Chuck replied. He'd gotten so used to the Sarah he'd been married to, he'd forgotten exactly what Sarah was like.
Carina nodded. "You know, not that I care about what goes on between you and Sarah, but I saw her a couple times. Wasn't a pretty sight."
Chuck had a love/hate relationship with Carina's lack of sugar coating. He knew that she'd tell him exactly what she thought when she thought it and while it could be quite irritating, it was also a plus. "What was she like?"
"Well," Carina began. "A lot like..."
"Emily?" Sarah said in surprise.
"Can we talk?" Emily asked; her pulse was still racing and her palms were sweaty. Sarah hesitated in her reply, and Emily was certain she was about to turn her away.
"Of course," Sarah replied, sitting down on her bed and drawing her legs around her Indian style. "Have a seat." She waited until Emily placed herself on the bed before asking, "What do you need?"
"I...well...I just wanted to ask you some questions," Emily said slowly, watching Sarah's face carefully. She was disappointed when the woman's face darkened a bit.
"Questions about what?"
"Things Dad was never able to tell me...because it hurt too much," she added carefully. Sarah looked away from her daughter's eyes. She took a moment before returning her gaze to Emily.
"Okay, shoot. But some things I might not be able to tell you," She warned.
"Um, it's nothing about the...spy thing...it's well...how did you two meet?" Emily asked, placing her palms together. Sarah looked down at Emily's hand and placed hers over Emily's.
"Don't be nervous," Sarah said, offering Emily a slight smile.
"Me? Nervous? No."
"Your hand is a little moist," Sarah commented.
"It does that when I'm freaking out," Emily chuckled. Suddenly Sarah was laughing. "What?" Emily asked.
"Your father said the exact same thing once," Sarah explained. Emily's smile grew. She always liked to hear she was like her father. "So...how we met, well, there is some classified information there. We didn't meet traditionally for one."
"How?"
"Well, I can't give particulars but Chuck received some very touchy information about the government and I was sent to retrieve back what he'd gotten. Long story short, I became his CIA handler because he had to be protected."
"So, you two met because of the CIA?"
Sarah nodded. "Yes we did. It didn't take me long to see how special Chuck was." Her gaze fell to the floor, as if remembering. "He was so different from all the other men I'd known. So caring and honest." She looked back into Emily's vibrant eyes. "I was attracted from the start and so was he, for the obvious reasons. I was CIA; we're trained to be beautiful. It didn't matter what you looked like, the CIA could make you beautiful. As women, it's our deadliest weapon sometimes."
"How long before you two started to notice something was there?"
"Not long. Chuck made me realize that there was more to life than what I was doing. That having a family and being happy was an important thing and everyone should be entitled to it. But I came with a lot of baggage..." She trailed off and looked back at Emily. "I need to apologize for something."
"What?"
"I lied to you. About Bryce. Honestly, I don't know why. I think because I have had to constantly reassure everyone that nothing exists between Bryce and I anymore aside from friendship that I thought you'd be the same. So I decided to just cut it out completely and just lie." She exhaled deeply. "I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have lied to you. Unfortunately, lying is second nature to spies. It's one thing I've always tried to change."
Emily stared at Sarah. "Okay," she replied. "Thanks." Her mother was being honest now; she didn't wait until she found out from another person. Emily was pleased that Sarah had told her. She'd explained why she'd done it and while Emily was hurt that she lied in the first place, she was telling the truth now. Sarah seemed surprised at Emily's reaction but Emily pressed forward. "So, you came with a lot of baggage because?"
"I had just gotten out of a relationship with Bryce, who I thought was rogue and dead; I had a lot of emotional stunting, and being a spy really messes you up. All the lies and the death and the violence. Emily, I pray every day you never have to go through that. That's why I'm heartbroken to see you and Chuck put through this now...especially since I brought it. You two don't deserve this."
Emily had to say she was touched. Sarah was genuinely sorry and tearing herself up over what had happened. Emily swallowed. I'm asking about Bryce later. "So, how did it work between you and Dad?"
"It was honestly us dancing around each other for the first two years. We both wanted to be with each other but I had a duty to protect him and was willing to sacrifice my happiness for his safety. The CIA won't let a handler become involved with his or her asset. It endangers missions and can lead to disastrous results. So, I pushed your father away, all the while wanting a real life but putting my duty first. I wanted to keep Chuck safe."
"When did things change?"
"When Chuck finally got rid of the information he didn't want. My contract with the CIA was over and I left it behind. The next day Chuck proposed." Sarah's smile grew. "But, the best chapter of our lives was when you were born. You were an accident," Sarah chuckled. "But the best accident we ever had. You were so beautiful and smart," she met Emily eyes. "And you still are. I'm proud of you, Emily. You've done so well, despite the problems I've caused. The relationship between Chuck and me has always been..."
It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you
...
"...Complicated." Chuck finished.
Carina had sat and listened to him talk about how he'd felt during those ten years, often telling him what she'd seen in Sarah. Chuck couldn't help but wonder what her ulterior motive was.
"Why?" he started. "Why are you letting me talk to you like this? I thought you didn't care."
Carina hesitated. "Chuck, I know that I may come off as a whore, but I do care about Sarah. I'm not some robot. Sarah's been my friend for a long time and because she married you that makes me your friend too."
"Oh,"
"Chuck, one thing you've got to constantly remember. Sarah is a woman, okay? Women are very passionate about what they think and feel. She loved you and Emily, and so she rushed to save you. Personally, I know it would have been better if you two had never gotten involved, but you can't change the past. Love complicates everything. Love is complicated. Whoever tells you otherwise is a lying bastard. Sarah was not happy away from you and Emily, but she still managed to pull through and do her duty. That's what being an agent is; we've been trained to be people of action. So we act on everything, sometimes without even thinking. That's when we make our biggest mistakes, when we let personal feelings guide our actions instead of rational thought."
Chuck looked at her in surprise. He'd never really known Carina; he'd always saw her as the horny DEA agent who had a taste for danger. Apparently she was more than that...much more.
"It's deep, I know," Carina sighed.
"It makes sense," Chuck replied. "Are you speaking from experience?"
"What? You think I'd be stupid enough to fall for some idiot?" Carina snorted. Okay, maybe I wasn't so far off in my first assessment of her character. Chuck thought. "I'm just stating the facts. No experience required."
"Got ya," Chuck nodded, staring into the now empty coffee cup Carina had offered him. He figured this would be as close to kind of bonding with Carina as he would get. She was definitely a different and interesting person, but Chuck felt like she carried a lot of pain. Whether she even knew that or not, he still got that vibe.
I still love Sarah. And I swear I'm going to try...
Right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now
...
...to work it out. I have to, Sarah thought. She was amazed at the girl before her. Emily was so bright and seemed to just absorb everything Sarah said with hunger. She loved having an open conversation with her daughter. She felt like they had hope for a real relationship after all.
"And that's when I knew that I wanted to be a wife and mother for the rest of my life. I was the happiest I've ever been during those years. Leaving was the..." her voice cracked and tears misted in her eyes. "The hardest thing I've ever had to do."
"You did it because you felt it was the right decision," Emily started. "We all make mistakes sometimes." Abandoning me was another one.
"And it's a mistake I've been paying for a long time," Sarah finished, apology in her eyes. And probably will for the rest of my life.
Suddenly the hope she had felt seemed to have crashed brilliantly into fiery embers.
So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
...
"Is everything in position?" Smith inquired through the small black cell phone held to his ear.
"Yes," Was the reply. "I'm ready. Move in." The line went dead.
Smith smiled. After this I think I want some pancakes.
So now we are getting into the thick of it. Again, hope you enjoyed and please review :-) even if its just a simple "good job" I appreciate it.