Ch 5: My Purpose

BPOV

Saturday and rain.

I slept more soundly than I had in a very long time. There were no nightmares. I dreamt someone was holding me, there was water all around us, and that was all I could remember, but I´d never felt safer. I snuggled deeper into my bed, hoping to regain the feeling. A bed was just a wonderful thing, so full of security and warmth, the vessel of happy dreams.

However, I was glad that there was no school today. I was still too distracted with thoughts of Jacob to think about much else. I was relieved that he was being patient with me, and hoped he didn´t get too annoyed. Still, I figured I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of being his girlfriend. I still cringed at the word. I should start by just being able to say the word out loud.

I went to look out the window. As usual the skies were cloudy. Even after being here this long, I couldn´t help but be disheartened by the weather. I always did hate the cold… well, in most circumstances.

I closed my eyes and revisited my dream. The arms around me didn´t have a temperature, but I could imagine them being as cold as ice, as hard as rock.

´Stop it,´ I told myself. Was it any good to dwell on these things? I had Jacob now. I was going to be okay, wasn´t I?

Of course I did the exact opposite of what I was telling myself to do. I lingered there, staring at the window, somehow expecting Edward to be there by his silver car, waiting for me, just like he did every day before school.

"It will be like I never existed," his velvety voice ran perfectly in my mind. I could never forget that voice.

I wanted very much to have another run in with trouble, so I could hear it again. I was terrified that someday I would forget that perfect voice. Edward had been true to his word. He erased every trace of himself from my life, even his family. I missed them with an intensity that almost matched my longing for Edward. Did any of them know how much they meant to me? Did Alice understand how much I appreciated her friendship? Did Emmett know he was like the big brother I had always wanted? Did Rosalie understand how beautiful she was even to me, in spite of her hating me? Did Esme and Carlisle understand how much I appreciated their compassion?

Did Jasper forgive me for what happened at my birthday party?

I never saw him again after he was dragged away, and though I asked for someone to apologize for me, the apology felt incomplete. I knew that Jasper was the most recent "vegetarian" of the family and on top of having to deal with his own hunger, he had to deal with the hunger of everyone in the room. I should have been more careful. I knew that whenever I was with them, I was in some kind of danger. Even without bleeding, my scent hurt every one of them. Getting that cut was pure recklessness on my part, no matter how small the accident.

And Edward, my dearest, gorgeous, wonderful Edward, I couldn´t count the things I wanted to pluck from his mind. How did he think of me now that he no longer loved me? Did he even care? Did he think about me for even a moment after we parted? I doubted it. There was nothing special about me to remember. I wouldn´t be surprised if he found someone more beautiful, more deserving of all the love and attention he had to give.

He had been the one to save me from Jasper. I wonder if then he knew that it was too much to be around me. Of course he was a good person and he wouldn´t hesitate to protect me, but maybe in that instant he knew that this was too much of a burden to him. What kind of life was this, where a paper cut meant life or death? And yet we had both known an easier way out. To take my mortality wasn´t such a bad idea to me. Perhaps even when he loved me, he knew that it was bound to end. He certainly wouldn´t "doom me" as he once put it to a life with him unless he truly wanted to be with me.

That thought burned me more than James´s venom had. My arms folded into my chest, as they always did when I thought about such things. ´Of course he wouldn´t want to spend forever with you, Bella. Don´t be ridiculous.´

There was only one remedy for this pain: Jacob.

After getting dressed, I barely even had the chance to say goodbye to Charlie before I was in my truck and pulling out of the driveway. I knew that just like every other Saturday late morning Jacob would be indulging in his mechanical hobbies. I knew I could count on him to distract me from painful memories.

In the meantime, memories of Edward and his family permeated my thoughts, and the last day I had been able to be with his family, on my birthday. What a disastrous birthday it was. I knew there was a reason not to like it. Still, they had looked so happy to celebrate with me, and at the time I was grateful for their affections. I still had their beautiful home memorized to a T.

It was raining even harder now. Within minutes it was coming down in sheets. I turned on the windshield wipers, which did next to nothing but clear the view for a mere fraction of a second.

That little home with it´s priceless art and a smooth grand piano. Edward´s song, which I was slowly forgetting, echoing off the walls. The room had been designed precisely to achieve the best acoustic quality. The kitchen, better suited for one of those cooking shows on TV, never used unless I was with them. Edward´s room, filled with music and light.

In a moment´s notice, I came to a decision. Edward may think that he would be able to take everything about him out of my life, but there was one thing he hadn´t gotten rid of: his house. I had passed by it before to see it looking abandoned, but this time I would not give up before I broke inside. Maybe Alice would be there… If anything, I just needed to remind myself that he did exist, that for a moment my life had been filled with bliss. I turned down the old road, suddenly speeding up, trying to get there before the rain made it impossible. Travelling into the mountainside was always so much harder with the rain. Of course, the Cullens had no worries when it came to weather, only that it kept their secret safe.

My poor truck was barely up to the challenge, but I knew it would make it. If it survived a collision with Tyler´s van, it could survive a little rain and some hills. My heart rate accelerated as I whizzed past some hard turns, and fear seized me, but in that moment, something wonderful happened…

´Bella, slow down! You´re going to get yourself killed!´

I smiled through my fear. His voice. Without delay, I pressed down on the accelerator even harder, the engine roaring through the pitter-patter of rain. I took the next turn, the force of it would have thrown me to the passenger side were it not for my seatbelt. I still had to grip the steering wheel hard to keep myself from losing control.

´Stop it! Stop right now! Turn around and don´t come back!´

"Never," I said out loud. I would reach his home, and I would hear his voice as many times as it took to lose the pain.

I took another turn, and then another, and soon I was going over twice the speed limit. The turns were getting more and more frequent, and now I had to deal with some drops on the road, small hills here and there. I saw ahead of me a turn that was particularly sharp, and I had enough sense to know that if I didn´t break, I would certainly crash. I had enough sense in me to keep myself alive, no matter how badly I wanted to continue listening to Edward´s voice. I was nearing their house anyway. Reluctantly, I put on the brakes…

And nothing happened.

It took me the tiniest millisecond to figure out the obvious: ice and water. I had been going too fast and now the brakes would not save me and nor would the steering wheel. I was going to be sent wherever the velocity of the car took me.

The wheel swung out my hands just as the car did, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was thrown in every direction but without hitting anything, thanks to my seatbelt. There was only enough space for me to touch the dashboard, but it couldn´t hold me in place. The world was spinning all around me outside of the car, and I shut my eyes. It was only a matter of seconds before I hit something. I had seen that behind this curve, on either side of the road, there was a mountain wall and quick drop off into the forest, with plenty of trees to crash into. Either one at this speed would destroy my car and no doubt injure me, though to what extent I did not know. I highly doubted that fate would take pity on me and change the rules of gravity so that I would somehow stay on the road. Suddenly I heard metal creaking and felt a gust of wind and rain on my face. Odd, I didn´t hear any windows breaking. My seatbelt apparently couldn´t save me from everything. I was certain that something had crashed into my car. I was drenched in cold water and I had hit something hard, though with less force than I had imagined.

My heart froze when I realized that my seatbelt had come undone! I didn´t even have time to consider why. I was airborne, against this hard thing I had been pushed against. Maybe I was against the mangled door of the car that had been ripped off. I was too terrified to open my eyes. I waited to crash into the mountain side or into a tree, waited to break every bone in my body, and suddenly the sensation of moving stopped.

Then I was positive I had died. I no longer felt like I was moving through air, but I had felt no pain of impact. The only thing I was aware of at the moment was that rain was beating down on me.

The next thing I was aware of was that I wasn´t touching the ground, I was somehow suspended against this hard object.

And then my heart started up again, beating so loudly and so hard that it hurt my chest. This object was no object… It had arms… Arms that were holding me up, holding me against something else covered in a thin cloth… A chest.

And there was only one person who had that sweet smell, who was this hard and cold, fast enough to pull me out of an out of control car.

I opened my eyes, and saw gold.

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EPOV

Saturday and Debussy.

The beauty of his compositions did little to assuage my pain. One of his Nocturnes, Clouds specifically, which normally made me feel like I truly was floating among the clouds, now sounded like heavy sighs of sadness, of hopelessness.

I was lying on the couch in my room, staring up at the ceiling as the music wrapped around me, sheltering me. It was enough to distract me from the thoughts of my family, but not completely. For the most part, they were smart enough to know not to bother me. I don´t think I could manage to be confronted with them now, even if the only desire on their part was to comfort me. Their comfort would only make it worse. Whenever I was questioned about what was wrong, why did that always make me feel worse? Maybe it was because it made the pain that much more real, that other people could see it so clearly. Looking at the mirror, I could see it myself. I looked deader than a corpse. I hadn´t bothered to look at my appearance when I had left Forks. If I looked like this now, after one day, how had I looked then? I didn`t think I wanted to know, but then again, I didn´t much care. What were looks when I had no one to impress?

Esme´s mind was especially concerned, and her thoughts drifted in through the music. ´Was what Alice said true?´

Ah, so Alice knew about Bella´s new relationship… I wanted to be angry with her for not telling me about it, but I understood why. Earlier, when I had arrived home looking worse than I ever had, her mind had murmured to me that she had been hoping it wasn´t too late. How could it have been too late? Bella had clearly forgotten about me. And then, though she tried to stop herself from thinking it, she thought that if I had come a day sooner, their relationship wouldn´t have begun.

So Bella and Jacob´s relationship had just begun the day before? The day when I was rushing back to her? God… Could fate be any more cruel? That at the very moment I was so desperately returning to her, she was kissing him? My heart rose to my throat. The memory of their kiss was glued to the back of my eyelashes. Whenever I blinked, I saw it again. As a vampire I didn´t have to blink, so I at least had that, but the memory was still there, haunting me. To think that I had only been a day late in arriving meant little, however. Had it not been Jacob it would have been someone else. Bella had clearly moved on from me, and she was ready for another relationship. How could someone as beautiful and wonderful as her remain single for very long? Especially when they weren´t missing anyone… least of all me…

When I finished Debussy´s compositions, I could have turned to the countless other classics to distract me. Maybe some of Mozart´s Requiem. Dies Irae was no doubt fierce enough to block out some of the pain, but then Lacrimosa would send me into a neverending pit of despair.

Lacrimosa dies illa

Qua resurget ex favilla

Judicandus homo reus.

Huic ergo parce, Deus:

Pie Jesu Domine,

Dona eis requiem. Amen.

Tearful that day,

on which will rise from ashes

guilty man for judgment.

So have mercy, O Lord, on this man.

Compassionate Lord Jesus.

grant them rest. Amen.

Funny… How very fitting. Maybe the subject of this song was me. A dead man raised from the ashes. I was no more alive than any man who would be granted either peace or an eternity of hell. My heart certainly felt no life in it. If anything, that part of me was dying a never-ending death. And God would show no mercy on a soulless vampire, no matter how pitiful I was, because I was a man who was certainly guilty of many sins.

As it was, I needed to move. Vampires normally had no need for movement, but I somehow needed to. My body felt weary and heavy. I made my way to the living room. My family was not there, but they were in the house and they knew where I was. Their minds were busy with thoughts of me, knowing that I had moved locations. Even Rosalie was preoccupied with me, but still less sympathetic. She seemed more frustrated with my behavior, and started questioning if I would make them leave again. But I was true to my word. I wouldn´t ask them to sacrifice anything else on my behalf. If anything, I could be grateful that they would be close by Bella, to keep an eye on her. Were anything to happen to her, even trouble with the werewolves, I knew that they would not hesitate to protect her, and I was grateful to have at least that security.

The piano stared at me from the corner, not the other way around. I was the only one who played, and now the keys were covered in dust, and it begged me to play. I could sympathize with this instrument. It requires so much attention only to receive so little. It gives and gives and asks only for love. I would have given away everything for the love of just one woman.

I walked towards it, feeling pity for it, wanting to play at least for its sake. I brushed away the dust with my fingers. The ivory was smooth underneath. I had so long forgotten the joy of playing. Even now, there was no joy flowing through me, and composing would be impossible.

I would satisfy the piano´s pleading if only for a moment. Only one sequence came into mine, one song… the only song… I used only my right hand, and it was shaking, making the beat uneven as I softly pressed into the keys. After that, I could play no more. The pain bit into me. Why, oh why, did it have to sound like that? When I had composed the lullaby, it had risen out of me like the happy chirping of a bird, free and blissful. They were the same notes now and the same tempo, so why did it have to sound like a moan? Only now was I fully aware that it was minor… dark.

I didn´t want to remember the song that way, so I put my hands up, and shut the lid.

When I turned again, Alice was on the couch, not looking at me, but thinking only of me. I cursed being able to hear her thoughts. As small as they were, they were filled with pain. ´Oh, Edward…´

I didn´t pay attention to her. I stared out the window. After a long moment, she asked, ´Will you leave again?´

I paused, leaning against the glass, and responded, "I don´t know."

She didn´t like that. I could feel how she tensed up. I hoped that Esme hadn´t heard me. Leaving again would break her heart, but how could I stay?

"You promised you would stay," Alice reminded me.

I smiled a sad smile. Yes, I did, back when I thought that I had something special to return to. There was nothing left for me here. ´My family,´ my own mind said, and I wondered if that would ever be enough. Right now, I didn´t think it was.

"We need you here," she said.

I scoffed, "No one needs me."

"Yes, we do." Jasper said as he emerged out of the shadows. And suddenly my whole family surrounded me. Jesus, could this day get any worse? "You´re our brother."

Having them bombard me with their pity, I couldn´t take it, and I snapped, "Brother? What brother? None of us are even related! This isn´t a family. It´s a collection!"

I regretted saying it immediately. Esme started to cry. She was thinking, ´What about me? Am I not your mother then? Even when I love you like a son?´

Carlisle immediately responded to Esme´s reaction and glared at me, "That´s not fair, Edward."

I turned away from them, moving pack towards the piano, and put my head in my hands.

"I´m sorry… I… didn´t mean it." Some of them didn´t believe me, "You know I love you all very much. I just… don't know if I could take being like this for any longer."

Carlisle approached me and put his hand on my shoulder. It was the first time anyone had touched me since I came back home this morning. "I know this is hard for you, son. I can see how much you are suffering. However, you must know that you have a purpose in our lives… and in Bella´s life."

I couldn´t see that. "What purpose do I have in her life?"

"I don´t know, but nothing in this world happens for nothing. You showed a lot of strength for letting her go before, and I don´t doubt that if she ever needs you, you´ll be right there."

"She doesn´t need me anymore. She has someone else."

"Everyone has an effect on our lives. Even the people we merely pass in the street. Your life is important to us and ultimately it was and is important to her."

I now understood the fear in his voice and his thoughts. He feared that I would take myself to the Volturi. I couldn´t doubt that it had crossed my mind. But I had said it before, hadn´t I? In the end, my separation from Bella was not enough to end my life. As long as she existed in this world, I could carry on. Somehow, just knowing that she lived was enough to keep me going for months.

I couldn´t leave my family. I loved them too much to put them through that pain. And maybe if fate gave me some role in Bella´s life, I would take it.

My thoughts were interrupted, as were everyone else´s, by the sound of a car speeding around the turns of the mountain. It was odd, because we were almost the only ones who used this road. Other than us, there was only a forest ranger and a lumber mill within a few miles, and neither of them used this road, especially during rain. I could only assume that whoever it was was lost, and hope they weren´t coming here. Esme was suddenly fearful for Jasper. It had been a while since he hunted. I too didn´t think he could handle an encounter with a human at this point. At least the rain was enough to drown away their far-away scent.

Whoever it was, they sure were reckless. I could hear the screech of the tires against the turns. How many people have died on the road because they were too stupid to follow speed limits? How many people died in the uninhabited mountains because a little curve didn´t seem so dangerous? And yet people cared nothing for the news reports.

Alice´s gasp drew away my attention. I turned towards her. Her thoughts hit me like a wrecking ball, and as quickly as they hit me, they still seemed to move so slowly. I saw a car take the curve, hitting the ice first and then the water, hydroplaning into a spin. But this wasn´t just any car.

It was Bella´s Volvo.

From behind the windshield, I saw her screaming. The windshield wipers moved in front of her like a clock marking the final seconds of her life. Her body was being thrown back and forth as far as the seatbelt would let her. I saw the car slide effortlessly off the edge of the road, gaining speed, and colliding hard with the tree… mangling her body inside.

I had no time to think. The window shattered into a million pieces as I leapt through it, and then the forest was a blur to me. The only thoughts that ran through my head now was, ´Faster, faster, faster´, and yet it was never fast enough. I didn´t even know how much time I had. 10 seconds? 3 seconds? Was I already too late?

"No!"

I was not too late, and I knew I wouldn´t be. When I caught sight of her car, it was spinning in circles, but the speed of the car was still pulling it in the same direction, only this time it couldn´t pull itself into safety. There were ways to get out of this situation unharmed, which they always taught in Driver´s Ed, but other than fear paralyzing you, there was little chance of that working when you were going that fast into a curve.

Of all the stupid things I had imagined her doing, I never imagined this. This was more than terrifying. It was infuriating! But I had no room in my heart for anger at the moment. My only objective… the only objective ever… was to save her. Carlisle was right. I had my purpose, and my purpose was to protect her, from anything and everything.

Her scream echoed in my head as I rushed towards the out of control vehicle. I only had a few moments to react. My hand reached out for the door, not to the handle, but the door itself. The metal was crushed in my hand as effortlessly as paper, and I ripped it off its hinges, sending it flying behind me.

She didn´t notice I was there. Not only were her eyes closed, but she´d never be able to follow my movements with her human eyes. Next was the seatbelt. I pulled hard. The plastic and metal contraption holding it together was weaker than the intricately woven belt itself, so the entire apparatus came apart. Another infinitesimal moment and I pulled her out of the car, into my arms.

For the tiniest moment, there was only Bella and myself, suspended in air. I was holding her in my arms like the most precious treasure anyone could ever hope to find, and I knew for me, it was just that. For that moment, it didn´t matter what I had seen the day before. It didn´t matter that my heart was broken into more pieces than I could count. It didn´t matter that she could never be mine. She was here in my arms, safe at last, and for whatever small amount of time, I was safe too. It was Bella who was saving me.

My feet touched the ground with ease and I steadied her in my arms. My first response was immediate. I looked at her face, pressed against my shoulder, praying that I had not injured her in my hasty rescue. I had saved her from a run-away car once before, but not one she had actually been inside of. I could smell no blood, but her scent was already masked a little by the falling rain. I noticed then that the rain was strong, pouring over us like a cold shower. She was drenched within seconds.

And then, she opened her eyes, and all the world could have died and I wouldn´t have cared. She stared up at me, her face paling at the sight of me, her eyes widening with wonder and, happily, not fear. We could do nothing. I stared at her. She stared at me. My life was tied back in its rightful place. At least for now, I had her attention. She stared at me as though she was opening her eyes for the first time. I could see her soul through her eyes, quivering, uncertain, shocked, shaken from the escape. I wanted to crush her to my chest, but I couldn´t move right away. Her face was so perfect, I found myself memorizing every feature all over again, even the ones that had been slightly altered in my absence.

Lightning crashed above us, illuminating her face. It shocked me out of my trance, though I didn´t break away from her eyes. It was a blessing, to be able to look upon her. I realized that it would always be enough, until the end of time, no matter how much pain I had to suffer through.

"Edward?" She murmured, as though she didn´t believe it was me.

The sound of my name on her lips made my dead heart flutter wildly. My body felt like it had been struck by lightning. I didn´t think I would ever speak with her again. Whenever she said my name, it felt like something special, something more holy than I really could be. My expression didn´t change, but I swore that everything about me had.

I never struggled to find my voice before, but I was now. My heart burned with the desire to tell her how much I loved her, but it was too distraught to form the words itself. I said the only thing that my mind could fully comprehend at the moment, though I wished fervently that they didn´t have to be the first words I said to her, "Are you alright?"

She didn´t answer me. She didn´t even move her head to indicate yes or no. She just stared to me. God, did her lips have to look so tempting right now? ´Stop it,´ I told myself, ´Make sure she´s safe.´

I had to do that. It was my one true purpose, after all. "I´m taking you to Carlisle."

With that, I was carrying her away, but it felt less like a run to a doctor, and more like I was whisking her away, like the knight and shining armor I always wanted to be… for her.

To be continued…

*Siiiiigh* I am most happy to have that chapter out. My mind has been focused on it ever since the beginning. It came along better than I imagined. And I´m still pumped for what´s to come. Up next, we get Bella´s reaction.

Only 3 reviews? Wow… I am depressed. I thought my last chapter was more anticipated than that. Oh well, I can only hope you liked this one better. Don´t be too worried to say something negative, too. Thanks to the three that did review! You don´t know how much I appreciate it!

Take care, everyone! xoxoxo