Ch 6: The Distance Between

BPOV

The forest was a blur to me, but my human eyes were no weak to see anything that wasn´t Edward. I couldn´t help when I immediately started to feel nauseous, just as I did the first time I rode on Edward´s back, only this time I was in his arms and could see very little of what direction we were taking. I stared at my savior, but he was not looking at me. Water splashed hard against his face but he didn´t even flinch. It hit his eyes and he didn´t even blink. His face truly looked like that of a statue.

My weightlessness in his arms left me nauseous and exhilarated at the same time. From the moment I had opened my eyes, I knew there was no place I needed to be more than right there. Even if I was drenched in water and freezing cold, especially in contact with his skin, it felt almost perfect. It would have been perfect, if his face didn´t look so dark… Why was that? The circles under his eyes were so pronounced, but his irises were bright gold. There was something fierce in his gaze and it made him look almost like a vampire of folklore, ever ready for the kill.

Still, I was happy. It was only moments later, when we reached his house, that I started to get weary. Edward surely would leave me to be examined in private by Carlisle and I didn´t want to lose sight of him for even a second.

To my surprise, when we entered the house everyone was there waiting for me. I didn´t even have the chance to great them all. I needed Edward to stay with me. I was about to ask if Edward could accompany me when both Alice and Edward gasped in unison. I saw her face, filled with fear, and then felt Edward´s body turn to stone, his fingers tightening on me to the point of pain. I turned to look at him again. He looked murderous, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of him, terrified of him.

"Take her away," he murmured in a low voice.

Alice, still looking panicked, slowly made her way towards me, her arms stretched out and palms upright as though she was going to try to reason with him. Edward started to shake, and he growled. "GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" He suddenly shouted, barely setting me on my feet before pushing me a good 10 feet across the living room and into Alice´s arms.

I cried out. I only saw him looking at me for half a second before he disappeared behind the still open door, and my heart shattered all over again.

The look in his eyes was that of pure hatred.

´Don´t cry, Don´t cry, Don´t cry,´ I chanted to myself, but the tears came anyway.

I only thought I had experienced the worst kind of agony, but this new pain was beyond remedy. I couldn´t even feel my body anymore. I was only vaguely aware of Alice steadying me. Apparently she understood that I couldn´t walk, so she pulled me into Carlisle´s office. I stared at the front door, praying that he would reemerge, that that look would be gone from his eyes replaced with the soft look of love he used to reserve only for me. I would give anything to see that face again.

Alice was in front of me again, blocking my view, this time wiping away my tears. "Are you hurt, Bella? What´s wrong?"

"Everything," I cried, sounding every bit like a child. Nothing would ever be alright again.

Carlilse rubbed my back, "You need to calm down, Bella."

Calm down? I would do no such thing. I had just a minute ago been a hair´s length away from death, only to be pulled from my car by my vampire ex-boyfriend, and then he brings me into his house before he all but flings me across the room, desperate to get away from me. I knew he didn´t love me anymore, but could he really hate me like that? Had I been such a disaster in his life that he couldn´t stand to be around me?

Alice shot a knowing look at Jasper, and I could suddenly feel my emotions changing. My upset was still there, but it was like my body was numb to it. I couldn´t cry and I couldn´t tense my muscles. I could only lie back and let them do what they had to do. The tears continued to stream down my face, no amount of Jasper´s influence could stop that, but at least now it didn´t feel like the world was crashing all around me. Happily, Alice never left my side nor let go of my hand. Carlisle finished up quickly, and after checking my eyes, he smiled in relief. "Looks like you´re alright. You really had us worried there."

He looked at Alice with a serious expression and I didn´t turn in time to see her reaction. She was walking into the other room, towards the front door. I could only hope she was going after Edward. In another second, Esme replaced her by my side, taking my face in her hands, "Oh, Bella. Thank God! I don´t know what I would have done."

When she hugged me, I felt much safer. She truly was a second mother to me, and I missed her. Looking over her shoulder, I saw Emmett, my "big brother", giving me a warm and loving smile. He walked over and tousled my hair playfully. That got a little smile out of me. I buried my face in Esme´s shoulder, embracing her back, so grateful that I was given the chance to see them again. I never imagined that they would all be here.

So I asked, "What are you all doing here? I thought you moved away."

They were silent for a moment before Esme responded, "We just couldn´t stay away. Forks is very dear to us, as are you. How could we stay away?"

"What´s wrong, Bella? You aren´t happy to see us," Emmett teased me.

Naturally, it would have been preferable under normal circumstances, but I was satisfied all the same. "Of course I am. I missed you all so much."

Emmett gave me a hug from behind too. I started to cry again, as Jasper suddenly faltered in his attention. I was overwhelmed with despair towards Edward and happiness to see this family again. Any moment I feared I would wake up again, alone and afraid, no one there to dry my tears. The coldness of their skin told me that I was not dreaming. There were as real as ever. For the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

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EPOV

´Monster,´ my mind hissed at me, ´Filthy beast… Wretched devil…´´

I pressed my head into the space between my two knees, looking at the ground. I was high enough in the tree that I doubted anyone could find me, unless of course they were my family. I was just so unlucky that my family had to be a vampire family, that I couldn´t outrun them or their words. They would always find me. The rain was falling all around me. I could see every drop pass in front of me, but no matter how much I could focus on them, it couldn´t take away the pain.

My only objective had been to get Bella to the safety of our home so Carlisle could examine her. The falling rain outside had made her scent undetectable, but from the moment we entered the house, the air around her was free to carry her scent anywhere it pleased, and the rain modified it to be even sweeter than it normally was. I had had Bella´s scent memorized alongside everything else about her, certainly the blackest of my memories of her, but I had not been prepared for this. Maybe that was because I had always imagined that when it hit me, I would be a safe distance from her, would be able to fine-tune my reaction. The moment her scent came to me, she was in my arms, and Alice´s vision was flashing before me, the image of me sinking my teeth suddenly in her neck that lay just inches from my lips. The despair at such a vision was enough to make me do what I had to do. I had to get her away from me immediately. No one moved fast enough. I did the only thing that came to find. I threw her at them. It wasn´t with enough force to hurt her, but she had cried out, and when I ripped away from her I had ripped my heart out of my body as well. The look she gave me was so pitiful and heartbroken that I wanted with every inch of me to take her into my arms again. I only knew that if I did, I would kill her. I had to leave. I had to adjust myself.

I turned myself towards the sky and closed my days, letting the water wash over me. This wasn´t how it was supposed to be. I wasn´t supposed to hold her in my arms only to toss her away like some rag doll. I wasn´t supposed to still crave her blood after months of missing her so urgently. How twisted would it have been, after so much longing, to end her life in that instant, in the moment I needed her more than ever? I couldn´t take such a thought.

"Edward," Alice called to me.

I looked down again, only to see her jumping up towards me. Great… Another confrontation.

"What do you want?" I said, colder than I wanted to.

"Don´t be like that, Edward."

"Is she okay?" That was the only thing that mattered to me right now.

"Yes, a clean bill of health. Now go see her before she goes crazy."

No, how could I do that? I didn´t even anticipate this, "No… I shouldn´t even be seeing her at all."

She looked shocked, "What are you talking about? Just yesterday you were running to her house."

"That was before I knew I was too late…" I couldn´t say anymore.

She knew what I was talking about. I saw again the vision of Bella and Jacob by her doorstep, only this time the vision made sense to me. Bella was leaning up towards Jacob, leaning towards him and not the other way around, initiating their first kiss, as Alice´s thoughts informed me. A fresh stab of pain split my heart, and some vengeful harpy must have been turning the handle to tear it out.

"Please, Edward… She looked so upset when you ran out. It was hard enough for Jasper to calm her down enough so Carlisle could give her the check up."

What was I supposed to do? Grovel on my knees? Beg her to take me back like I wanted to for so long when I now knew she would refuse me?

"What´s the point? She´s moved on."

Alice´s face contorted into pain. It didn´t look right on her pixie-like face. Not one bit. ´You were really going to leave again, weren´t you?´

I knew the answer immediately. Yes, I did. It would only make it worse to be close to her now. The farther away from her, the better off I would be. And yet I knew that wasn´t true. I needed to see her. She was necessary to me. But I couldn´t deny that my existence here was again pointless, and to watch her slip through my fingers like this was the second most potent of tortures I had ever felt, the first of course, being those brief moments when I thought she was dead. My dead heart sank to my stomach. I had that to be thankful for. Bella was alive. I had saved her again. No matter how monstrous I was, I had kept her safe, and that made my existence worth a little scrap of something.

It was enough to get me out of the tree. This would hurt tremendously, and yet I knew it was something I had to do. Having seen her again, I didn't think I could go for any amount of time without seeing her again. Alice was following but I paid her no mind, walking into the front door again, bracing myself against Bella´s scent.

She was wrapped in a blanket, and her scent was so sweet my throat burned like acid. I clenched my jaw and tried to focus on not jumping for her. As much as I wanted to embrace her, I knew now that it was a luxury I couldn´t afford, no matter how much wealth I had. Who did I have to pay to be able to embrace her one more time? Give away my every penny.

She paled when she looked at me. It made it slightly easily to stand, but it was also painful. I didn´t like the way she looked right now, so lost and afraid, so much skinnier than before. As fragile as she always was, the life of her soul was so strong that it had always seemed indestructible to me. Why did she have to look so broken now? I vaguely wondered if I was wrong in assuming I had handled her gently enough a few moments ago. I was never certain when I was losing control.

"Are you alright?" It felt weird to ask it again. It was the third sentence I said to her, yet it was the same as the first.

She looked to my feet, ever hopeless, and nodded, "Yes."

Her voice was like a bell to me, and the truth of her response was the purest of gifts. "Good," I said simply.

My family started thinking that Bella´s car would have to be taken care of. They retreated from the room, leaving me alone with my love, yet with nothing to say… yet with so much to say. The distance between us was far too grand. I yearned to close it and wrap my arms around her, or run my hair through her hair, or dust over her cheek with my fingertips, so I clenched my fists behind my back and kept myself from talking.

"How have you been?"

I almost laughed… almost.

"I´ve been…" ´miserable, pathetic, shattered, dead´ "… fine. And you?"

Had there been even the slightest moment when she had missed me as much as I had missed her? I had to admit that a part of me wished it so, just so I could feel like I had been worth something in her eyes. But there was no way she could love me with half the intensity that I loved her. It just wasn´t physically possible for a human to have their entire being dominated by another. If she really understood how wonderful and then excruciating it was to love her, she would have to agree with me. She was always able to move on… I was not. I was bound to this girl for the rest of my endless so-called life.

She looked deeply into my eyes, looking puzzled for a moment. There was a familiar emotion. I wanted to hear her thoughts more than anyone else´s. What did she think of me now? Did she notice how wretched I looked after months without her? Did she finally see the monster emerging from the alluring image of my body? If she could see inside me, all the way past this shell, what would she see?

"Okay… I guess," She responded simply, "Worried about my car."

My breath caught in my throat. How could I forget? No, she most certainly wasn´t okay. Not when she was speeding up the curvy highway at 50 miles per hour in the rain. And she had the audacity to worry about the state of her car. My tone changed so quickly that she jumped, "What in the world were you doing driving like that?"

She looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but ever so sad. "I… don´t know."

"You promised me," I growled, "You promised that you would take care of yourself for Charlie! Is this what you´ve been doing all this time?"

Had she gotten into other accidents like this? God, I didn´t want to think about the things that might have happened to her. If it was anything like this, I know I didn´t want to know ever. And to think that Jacob was probably the one saving her. I couldn´t stand that. I wanted to be her hero.

She didn´t answer me, so my voice got louder out of frustration, "You could have gotten killed, Bella! Do you understand that? When are you going to get it through your head that I´m not always going to be there to save you?"

I saw her shiver and her sad face contort into a frown of anger. She didn´t look at me anymore. I saw her bottom lip tremble. "That´s really none of your concern now, is it?"

I hated the calmness of her voice as she sad those horrible blasphemous words. I hated how she looked so nonchalant about her own safety, when I had spent months doing the impossible to keep her safe. Here she was, just throwing that away, and for what?

"What were you even coming up here for?"

She didn´t answer me for a while, but when she did, I knew immediately that it was a lie, "I thought Alice was here."

A ridiculous answer. Alice wasn´t here for more than a half an hour before returning to Bella´s home. I didn´t push it though. I didn´t care why she was here, only that she never did something so reckless again. I wanted badly to yell at her more, to make her promise me never to do such a thing again, but it appears I couldn´t put any faith in her promises. And her face was still looking at mine with such anger and sadness… I had never actually seen her look angry with me before. Not really. This wasn´t what it was supposed to be like. She wasn´t supposed to be displeased with me. She was supposed to be happy to see me. She was supposed to jump in my arms and have me kiss her senseless. She was supposed to love me just as she did a few months ago that felt more like a lifetime.

Unable to look at her like that any longer, I turned towards the shattered window. The family hadn´t bothered to clean it up before we arrived. What would I do if she commented on that? That I had been too desperate to save her life to pause even for the milliseconds it would take to go through the door?

I heard her take in a shaky breath and give off a kind of odd laugh, "Wow… I must have been really stupid." She certainly had that right. "Somehow, I…" She was shaking her head as though to ward off a ridiculous thought. The smile on her face was not happy, it was bitter, "I thought you´d be happy to see me again."

My heart tightened into half it´s normal size. This had to be what dying felt like, were I human. Like everything about me was useless, weak, falling to pieces. To think that being immortal had me closer to death than any living human could ever be… I looked away again, knowing what I had to say. I never ever wanted her to do this, and certainly not to find her like this, throwing her life away when I had been battling myself for months to keep her safe, "This doesn´t make me happy in the least."

She whimpered and I turned back to look at her, as if I could ever stop myself whenever she made the slightest sound. She kept her mouth firmly closed but her lips were trembling, fighting against the tears that spilled onto her cheeks. I wished lightning would strike me down right then and there. I could handle her anger. I could handle leaving her be with her new boyfriend. I could not handle making her cry.

"Bella…" I started, wanting to apologize in any way I could, but I still held onto my fury, chastising her with my tone.

"No, please…" She stopped me, "I don´t need to hear it." She took another shaky breath, trying to keep herself together. "I just need to get out of here. I want to go home."

My veins turned to ice. She truly didn´t want to be here with me. As my sadness increased, so did my bitterness, "Fine… I´ll take you home."

"Don´t bother," she snapped, "Alice will do it."

"Alice and the others are busy getting your car towed. I´ll take you."

"I´ll walk," she said, making her way to the door and throwing the blanket off of her.

I grabbed her by the arm, easily stopped her. With her usual tiger kitten glare, she actually looked ready to fight me off. As it was, she knew better. I put the blanket back around her shoulders and glared back, hoping she would submit, "I´m not letting you walk miles in the rain."

"What do you care, Edward, honestly?"

Did she know that even then, as she said my name with such contempt, my heart leapt?

"Do you really think I´m such a horrible person that I would let you put yourself at risk?"

"You´re not even a "person" to begin with!"

That was hitting below the belt, or was it hitting straight into my chest? She had never EVER treated me like the monster that I was. The mask of anger fell away from my face, and she saw it. I knew immediately that she was sorry for it, but the damage was done, and in the end, she was right. I was a monster.

Without another word, I let go of her arm and walked outside at a human pace, agonizingly slowly in making my way to my car, and waiting in the rain. I waited all of 10 seconds before she immerged behind me and got into the car without a word.

I had to remind myself that she wouldn´t want me to open and close the door for her. But the time I thought to do it, it was too late. So I got into the driver´s seat and started up the car. The roar of the engine wasn´t enough to drown out another shaky breath passing Bella´s lips. How was it that in spite of all this madness, I still desperately wanted to kiss her? I wanted to replace those pain and anger-filled breaths with sighs of contentment. Whenever I kissed her before, her response was all I needed to be satisfied for the day? The rhythm of her heartbeat, her breathing, the flush to her cheeks, the way she was losing control and pressing up against me, never afraid that I would hurt her.

We passed the Volvo, and I was happy when I glanced over to see that it looked rather damaged. Under other circumstances I would have paid to fix it myself, but if Bella was really spending her current life speeding down curving highways without a care for what might happen, then as far as I was concerned she couldn´t be trusted behind the wheel. If I had to, I would dismantle the vehicle myself. She was right, it wasn´t my business, but I was making it my own. Did Jacob know about what she was doing? I sincerely hoped he didn´t. What kind of boyfriend would know about this kind of behavior and just let it continue?

"What have you been up to?" She asked suddenly, catching me off guard.

If she only knew what I had really been doing, searching for Victoria and a whole lot of missing her, desperately. I violently needed her to understand all that I had suffered through for her sake, but telling her was pointless now. She would only send me away if I did that. I didn´t know if I could take it.

I told whatever little truth I could, "I was in South America."

The first thing that came to mind when people mentioned other countries was sightseeing and a whole lot of fun. Never mind that I had no desire to do anything anymore without Bella. I couldn´t even take simple joy in being near all that beauty. The moments when I did pass by the monuments, I had only envisioned myself there with her. That would have been one of the first things I wanted to do with her once we graduated; that is, in between college. Go off and see some of the world, spend my time in the most beautiful places with the most beautiful woman.

"Oh, that sounds nice."

I bit down on my lip, almost enough to tear skin. It was killing me not to tell her. Somehow, I had to keep from yelling at her. The idea that she had no clue about my feelings was torturous, and yet I did not have the courage to open my heart to her only for it to be trampled when she told me she had moved on. I gripped the steering wheel tightly in my hands.

We didn´t speak another word. When she pulled into her driveway, I growled. Jacob was there waiting for her. Out of habit, I turned to say goodbye to her, unconsciously ready to kiss her, but she was already out the door. I felt nauseous when she walked right into Jacob´s arms, leaning on his shoulder and seeking comfort. I growled low in my throat. Controlling my jealousy was never my strong point. Now she was just rubbing my face in her happiness. I started to turn the car around, but suddenly found Jacob blocking my exit. How easy it would be to run him over right then. The car would get damaged from his durable body, and he would have probably been fine in the end, but I couldn´t have cared less about it at the moment. Regardless, I didn´t want Bella to hate me more than she clearly already did. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Jacob glared at me hard, protective, "What are you doing here? What did you do to her?"

His mind was searching through answers for why Bella looks so sad and angry. Had I rejected her again? Had I hit her? Had I raped her? The last one really boiled my blood. For anyone in this world to think I would do something so vile to the most precious woman on the planet…

I snarled at him, "Her car crashed and I took her home. End of story. Now get out of my way."

I had to hand it to him; he looked just as protective of Bella as I did. I tried to find comfort in that, but could not come even close. Gladly, he stepped out of the way and within seconds I was speeding back home. As soon as I was out of his earshot, I was sobbing, sobbing so much that even without tears my vision was blurred. The image and sound of Bella´s hatred was forever etched into my mind. Even as a vampire, I couldn`t drive this way, so I pulled over and buried my face in my hands. She didn´t have the tiniest inkling how desperately I still needed her. She had no clue how agonizing the past half year had been for me. That was the hardest for me to tolerate, that she would continue not knowing.

It was the right thing to do. I hoped that she would separate from that werewolf, but at the very least she would be away from me. My desire to be back at her side meant nothing, even as it drove me across the world to find her. She was safe, she was happy… I would have to live with the misery.

"Edward?"

I didn´t even realize that Alice was nearby. She had opened the driver´s door and was nudging me to the passenger side. I let her push me over and she got in and started up the car again. It was safe for me to curl up in a ball against the side door, trying to hide my sobs from her but knowing I would never succeed.

To be continued…

Cryyyyyy! Sad chapter, I know! And I know I´m a total bitch for not letting them be all happy and lovey dovey when they met again, but believe me, the happy moments will come all in due time, both bittersweet and pure. Oh, and I know that I´m focusing a lot on Edward´s POV rather than Bella´s, but I do tend to find it easier to write about Edward´s feelings. I´m gonna try to switch them off and try not to get to tempted to fall into Edward mode all the time.

I´m happy to have gotten more reviews this time around! Thanks to all of you for responding! Please continue to let me know how I´m doing. xoxoxo