**IMPORTANT NOTE**: please, if you haven´t yet, listen to what should have been Edward´s lullaby in the movie, "River Flows in You" by Yiruma. It is what inspired this chapter, especially at the end.
Ch 8: Guardian Angel
EPOV
The phone rang for the tenth time in the last hour. I wasn´t counting the many more that I had purposefully missed in the last 3 hours, most of them from Jasper. Though I knew I was being stubborn, I preferred to wallow in my own misery than be swarmed by my family´s pity. When we had first left Forks, being able to hear their thoughts had never been more of a curse. All they had to do was look at me or think or me, and I would get a clear image of how utterly defeated I looked, more corpse than man. I knew if I went home I would be returning to that sight. I didn´t want to see myself in their eyes. I didn´t want to hear their thoughts of what could have been with Bella. What point was there to dwell on the impossible?
But Alice was far cleverer than the others. She knew what would catch my attention and it was something I couldn´t ignore forever. When I reached for the phone to check what the time was, a simple message was on my screen…
Bella is in danger
If this was a ploy to get me back, it was a very good one. There was no way I was willing to risk it. If it was a joke, it would only annoy me, but if it was real, I would fight to the death to save her. I immediately pulled out my phone and called Alice.
"Edward, you have to get back here right now," she said half-way through the first ring.
I was already running, "What´s wrong? How is she in danger?"
"Just get here. You have to see it for yourself."
"This better not be some kind of trick, Alice. I´m serious," I warned.
She sighed deeply and suddenly her voice was shaky, "Believe me, Edward. I would rather that it were. I really would."
That was all I needed to hear. I hung up the phone and turned around, running full speed back to Forks.
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BPOV
The world was silent tonight. I couldn´t even hear the wind. There were no cars on the street to interrupt my thinking with the annoying rumble of their engines. The only sounds I could make out were the sounds of my own sobbing. My entire body was buried beneath the sheets, because I was afraid that at any moment I would cry out and alert Charlie that something was wrong with me. There was never a time I needed to be alone as much as this night. I needed to be covered in the warmth of a bed, to fulfill the promise of dreams. If only I could bring myself to fall asleep and escape this nightmare for a while. I did not envy Edward his permanent insomnia. I yearned to dream, to escape to a world where we could be together without complications.
Jacob could not possibly imagine how much it took to hold myself together for the last couple of hours. Watching Edward disappear into the horizon all over again was like stretching my heart to the ends of the Earth. My heart was always with him, but I could never let him go, and so my suffering was just proof that I was too weak to move on, or too stubborn.
Jacob´s shoulder had been dislocated. Knowing that werewolves healed very quickly, we had very little time to act before the bones healed in an incorrect position. Using Jacob´s cell phone, I called Sam and Quil, who rushed to the scene. When they asked me what had happened, I could not answer. I could only cry. Pointing the finger at Edward would mean pointing the finger at his entire family. I didn´t doubt that the werewolves were just looking for a reason to drive them out of town. I had lost Edward all over again. I couldn´t lose the Cullens too. They didn´t ask any questions. The look in their eyes told me that they knew. Remembering that they were able to read each other´s thoughts, they probably got all the information they needed from Jacob, including all the pain he was in. I could only hope that they wouldn´t take this as a personal attack on the werewolves, but as an attack based on my own stupidity. Edward had been right about one thing, not wearing a helmet and going that fast was pure idiocy.
By the time we got to a safe place, they had to dislodge the bone to put it back into place, and his cries made me feel all the worse. He had told me not to be in the room while it happened, but I couldn´t bear to leave his side. He was in this condition because of me, because he was fighting Edward for me.
Jacob was the absolute innocent in this. I didn´t know what possessed Edward to attack Jacob like that, but I didn´t like it one bit. It was my fault and my fault alone for not protecting myself and he had every right to be mad at me, even if he shouldn´t have been worrying about me in the first place. Others could not be held accountable for the things I failed to do for myself. I had never seen this side of Edward before, so vicious and frightening. I hated seeing him that way. It wasn´t the Edward I had fallen in love with.
"Get out of here and never come back. I never want to see your despicable, sorry face ever again."
I had never been angrier with him, so why did I still want him to come through that window and hold me tonight? Why did I want to find him and tell him that I didn´t mean it, not really? The thought of never seeing him again twisted my insides into a knot. What´s worse, I didn´t know why I felt that I needed to find him again, to tell him these things. He had made it very clear that he wanted nothing more to do with me. There was no point in telling him that I hadn´t meant what I said if he had no plans on seeing me again regardless. The words would mean nothing to him.
What had happened to us? In my memory, I had felt so loved, so protected when I was with him. He always looked at me as though he was the luckiest man in the world, not the other way around, that it was I who was the lucky one. His warm golden eyes peering into mine as though he could read my mind. I knew that he could somehow read my soul. That smile that turned me to jelly every time. I would have done anything to see that smile one more time, even if it killed me. The soft velvet that was his voice, humming me to sleep on nights just like tonight. I imagined he was humming to me right now, and even then it calmed me a little. Even if now the message of the song meant nothing, it was still my song, back from a time when he thought he would love me forever, when I had hoped he would.
I closed my eyes and he was kissing me.
My heart was soaring.
I could have died right there in his arms and my life would be complete.
He was smiling at me, whispering my name in my ear, running his palm over my blushing cheek. He really did look like he loved me more than anything in the world. I knew that I would die to be with him, to save him, to love him. If I was going to die, to suffocate, to drown, I would want it to be in his love. I wanted to die with his arms around me, humming his lullaby in my ear, the song that sounded just as desperate as I felt.
"Bella," he chuckled.
Why was it when he said my name, it always felt like something special? Why was I searching for him everywhere I looked, even after months of being apart? Why was this world so empty without him, so full of nameless faces, people who knew nothing of passion or need? Did anyone need anyone as much as I needed Edward, right here, right now?
I clutched my pillow in my hands, sobbing into it, muffling my cries. Every fiber of my being ached to be touched by him. Like a child in a tantrum who wouldn´t be satisfied until she got her security blanket, I squeezed hard and hit the pillow and bed with all the force I had, which wasn´t very much. I needed the strength to break things, but I couldn´t even bring myself to get out of bed. I wanted to trash this room and this house until I was bleeding, until my muscles were sore and I wouldn´t ache anymore, but I barely had the power to move. I wasn´t a baby anymore. My fantasies weren´t going to come true not matter how much I needed them to. No amount of fighting could save me and I didn´t have the energy to even try.
"I love you."
Once upon a time…
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EPOV
By the time I entered the living room I had no space for patience, and my family didn´t leave my waiting. They were waiting for me on the couches and they all rose when I entered the room. Alice ran to me. "What´s going on?" I asked firmly.
"Bella´s in trouble."
"You´ve said that already. What specifically is she in danger from?"
Pulling out a scroll from her pocket, she handed it to me. The look on her face told me this was no joke. She responded, "I saw it in the mailbox today after you took off. There was no envelope, no stamps, no address… It appeared just like that with a ribbon around it."
I didn´t hesitate. The scroll easily came open in my hands. Their minds had already clued me in on the author of the letter the minute I opened it.
This was from the Volturi.
To my dear friend Carlisle,
It has been so long since I have been in contact with you. I humbly apologize for growing lax in my writing, and regret that this current account deals not with our prolonged separation. I hope you will forgive me for mixing business with pleasure, as you know I never want to concern you with our dirty dealings. I am still pained that you left our coven all those years ago, but I try to unburden my heart by knowing you are happy in your chosen path, as unusual as it may seem to me.
As you and your family well know, secrecy is of the utmost importance not just to us. This is not exclusive to our clans. So you must sympathize with my grievance when we were informed that one of your own has exposed your secret to a human, that your family has accepted said human into your estate without question. Not only that, but your young ward refuses to either kill or transform her into one of us. This is most unusual.
As my friend, you know that I would never want to offend you, but I have more than just you to think of. You know as well as I that humans are fickle and transparent not only with regards to their physical bodies.
We will be visiting you shortly to speak of this manner and settle this in the most convenient way possible. I hope you´ll understand and forgive my intrusion.
All my best to you,
Aro --
The paper crumbled in my hand before I could read the rest of the "official" title of that overbearing tyrant of a vampire. He had to direct Carlisle and our family as if he were making a friendly house call. I snarled at no one in particular and clenched by fist over the letter. Part of it, in the middle of my palm, became dust.
"You know what this means, Edward," Carlisle said, looking calm but serious.
I couldn´t speak. There were no words for the panic forming in my mind. How long did we have? When was this letter sent? How did it get here without an address? What if they were already at Bella´s windowsill?
"What will we do?" asked Esme.
"The only thing we can do," Carlisle started.
"No!" I yelled out, without even bothering to read his thoughts. Only one possibility came to my mind, "I won´t change her… I can´t do that anymore."
That option was lost to me now, just as Bella was lost to me. All for the better.
"I meant that we must either reason with them or fight. If we can convince them that she is under the jurisdiction of the werewolves and not us, they might leave her be."
I cringed at his words. Now he was not so far from calling Bella the werewolves´ property.
"She still knows about our existence," Alice spoke up, "That´s the whole reason they are coming, because our secret has been exposed to a mortal."
"Yes, but even the mates of the werewolves who have no werewolf blood know of our existence. All the vampires have to do is threaten to expose them and they will maintain our secrets as well as their own. They fear the Volturi just as much as most vampires do."
Esme asked, "Can we be sure of that? Bella is not officially part of their clan. As far as they are concerned, she could be just another human."
Esme´s concern for Bella overrode her effort to put caution into her words. She was only making me more panicked, but it was justified.
Carlisle sighed, "In all honesty, I don´t know, but if we can´t negotiate we can put up a fight."
Rosalie growled, "Oh great! So now we´re going to die for this human? She isn´t even with Edward anymore!"
"Be quiet, Rose," Esme chided.
"No! No, I will not be quiet," She stormed up to me, pushing through the haze that was my mind. Her gaze was murderous, "You brought this upon our family! I knew all along that that girl was nothing but trouble to us! Just when I think she´s out of our lives, I find out we´re going get killed just for knowing her? I will NOT risk my life to save that… thing!"
I growled at her. I didn´t care how much she hated Bella, she was never allowed to call her a thing. She growled right back. We no doubt looked like two wild cats about to rip at each other´s throats. Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. It was all just a show of dominance anyway. I retracted my teeth and looked at the rest of my family in apology. "I won´t ask you to sacrifice any more for me."
"Of course we will. We love her, too," Alice said next to me, then glared at Rosalie, "At least most of us."
"I will fight, too," Emmett said.
Rosalie turned her head and shot daggers at him with her eyes. He could only smile shyly. Rosalie was never going to let him go into battle on his own. Already she was trapped into this.
"I won´t ask you to fight with us, Rosalie," Carlisle said, "But I will ask you to please, please, work with us here."
In her mind, she was thinking that she wouldn´t be able to stand it if anything happened to Emmett in her absence. I envied her that thought, the assurance that at the end of a battle they had someone to go home to.
No, that wasn´t fair. I couldn´t let another couple be torn apart because of me. What chance did we stand against the most dangerous family in all of history? They were more numerous than us and far more skilled. Going up against them was an attempt at suicide, an attempt I would be all too willing to take if it meant Bella´s safety, but I could not drag my family into this. "No… This is my fight, not yours. If I can´t convince them, then I will let them kill me, but I will not take you down with me."
"It will do nothing for Bella if you get yourself killed, Edward." Emmett said.
"That may be true, but if I can take down even one of them, it will make all the more easier for the werewolves."
"So we are letting the werewolves deal with them, then?" Rosalie asked incredulously.
"Bella is their concern now," I choked out, "They will take care of her."
"Gracious, will you listen to yourself, Edward? Werewolves! How can you walk out on her now when she is with those animals?"
"There is nothing I can do about that, Alice. I have no say in her life anymore. If she trusts them, I have no choice but to trust that she will keep herself safe."
Even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. This entire day was proof that Jacob wasn´t looking out for her best interests either. I didn´t know what to do. I couldn´t stop Bella from seeing him. It was her right to see whomever she pleased and I was no longer in her life to protect her from their tempers. On the other hand, how could I leave her to them without doing anything? Could I really let her stay with them, waiting for the day she would be attacked by her friends or boyfriend accidentally? No matter who I was to her now, I would never forgive myself if something happened to her when I had the power to stop it. So here I was, debating with myself, steal Bella away, leave her alone, take down the werewolves, leave her alone…
"I can´t believe you would put so much faith in them," Alice said, shaking her head.
"I don´t, but I don´t have any other choice. What is my alternative? Kidnapping her? Holding her against her will? She hates me enough as it is."
"No, Edward!"
Carlisle stepped between us, "Okay, cut it out you two. We have more pressing matters to attend to. Edward, we are going to confront the Volturi by your side. Aro may be powerful and arrogant but he is an old friend of mine. I am sure I can convince him that our secret remains safe."
Emmett smiled widely, "I´ve never actually been to Italy. It´ll be a vacation!"
"But we don´t even know if they are still there," said Esme, "They could already be in the United States."
"Then I will go find them," I said, putting emphasis on the word I.
"We will find them," Alice corrected, "once they arrive here."
I glared at her, "That´s a ridiculous idea, Alice. Right here where Bella lives? They would get to her before we could."
"We don´t really have a choice anyway. You remember Victoria, don´t you?"
Of course I did. How could I ever forget? My search for her had come to nothing. The quest for her had been my obsession for months and I still had nothing on her whereabouts. She had led me on a false trail.
"Stay calm, Edward… I didn´t want to bring this up yet, but Victoria has been spotted in the area."
"What?" I gasped, my heart rising into my throat.
"Laurent, too. Bella told me that he found her and tried to kill her. The werewolves were there in time to save her, but not before Laurent told her that Victoria was out for her blood."
My whole body became rock. God, did the danger never end? Was God hell bent on removing Bella from this world? I clutched my head in my hands, wishing I had the strength to crush my skull. I just had to fall in love with a woman doomed to die.
Alice put an arm around me, but it did little to calm my panic, "You can´t be at two places at once, and the only place we can be certain they are both going to be is here. The world is too big and they could be anywhere. With you gone to look for Volturi, Victoria could easily make her strike."
"Victoria was the one who told them, wasn´t she?"
Everyone gasped. Looking into their thoughts, it seemed I was the only one who considered that. "The letter said they had been informed about Bella. Victoria is the only other vampire out there who knows about Bella. She no doubt told the Volturi all about it so that we´ll have even a harder time protecting her."
Oh, God. I could feel vomit of old blood rising to my throat. Victoria wasn´t just hunting Bella, she was herding her like cattle, making all exits impossible, placing her between a rock and a hard place. She was even rounding us up as we spoke, manipulating us into position. It made me literally sick to my stomach.
I fell to my knees. I no longer had the strength to stand. This life, if you could even call it that, was a hell. Bella had never hurt anybody. She was just sweet, naïve, stupid, wonderful Bella. Why did I have to drag her into this life of monsters? Why didn´t I just leave her alone in high school after we first met? Why did I have to go and fall in love with her, only to doom her? My mother embraced me, having dropped to her knees in front of me. My whole family came closer. My eyes looked dead to them but I could still see them all.
"Baby…" She cooed, "I know this is hard on you, but it is the only way. I know you would never let anything happen to Bella. You love her too much," She pulled back and held my face in her hands. Her eyes sparkled as though she were about to cry, "We´ll protect her with everything we have. You have to stay. Bella needs you now more than ever. Saving her from that car crash today was just the beginning."
My purpose… My only purpose… Bella´s safety… Bella´s happiness.
It gave me left-over strength I didn´t think I had. Somehow, that purpose made me able to fight, able to face the monsters that were coming for her.
…Bella…
This fatal wound would not destroy me yet.
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My purpose had begun.
Her whole house was silent, even the outside. There were no crickets out tonight. I desperately wanted their sweet music to soothe me. Without it, the world felt dead, and I was fearful. What kind of enemies lurked in the darkness? Although I could see just as well during the night as I could in the day, I couldn´t help but feel blind. I wish I had the ability to see miles and miles away from her, to see anything that was coming for my love. I had counted on my mind-reading abilities for too long. They would not save her now.
I leapt up to her tree, and then dangled from her windowsill. Like some sick peeping tom, I was unwanted. I hadn´t felt so guilty when she had wanted me to come to her in the night. Now, I was just a pathetic excuse for a man, looming over her like a criminal.
There was my beloved.
She did not have happy dreams tonight. Her hair was tangled in a beautiful knot, a few tendrils wrapping elegantly around her neck or draping over her pillow.
´Just this once,´ I promised myself, hoping that I meant it this time.
It was wrong in too many ways to be doing what I was doing, but there was something I had to do before I resigned myself to my fate.
The window creaked as it opened. The room was warm inside and I hoped that my presence would not make her cold. It didn´t look like she would notice, though. She was wrapped so tightly in her blankets I was surprised she wasn´t hot. The duvet cover was all the way to her ears and chin.
I was reminded of that night so long ago when I came into her room. It wasn´t the first time I had done it, yet that night was so very special. I still wasn´t sure what precisely had set me off. She had only said my name. It could have been a perfectly platonic dream about me. It could even have been about another Edward. However, when my name passed through those divine lips again and she begged me to stay, my entire being came undone. It was as close as I ever would be to understanding the process of imprinting that the werewolves went through. It had taken only a moment for me to get tangled up in her life and soul. In a second, there would never be a moment in my life that was stale; every moment of my life I would be loving her beyond compare. I knew even then that my love was endless and insurmountable by anything or anyone.
Now, it was my curse. If I had any hope of getting over this, I would have taken it. I didn´t regret falling in love with Bella. She had transformed me, gave me hope, gave me light. But like a blinding light, like a comet, she had been flashed before my eyes. Once she was gone, I saw nothing. The world was dead to me now. If I had been a human, my eyes would have eventually adjusted to her absence. Maybe I would have been able to fall in love again, or at least settle for someone else, since I didn´t think anyone could ever come close to the majesty that was Bella.
Regardless, at the very least, I didn´t want to feel this level of anguish. I could deal with your everyday human heartbreak, but not this slaughter of a heartbreak that was tearing me limb from limb. How I wished I could be like Bella, that I could mourn for a while knowing that an end was in sight. I knew she must have mourned for me. I knew she cried when I left her. How lucky she was that she had such little time to grieve for me. While it hurt to know that she could do so, the logical side of me was glad, knowing it was best for her. How I wished I could do the same. To live through this agony and know that someday soon the pain would be gone, I could cry and cry and then I would eventually stop.
But I was not a human, and this wasn´t going to end. When something came into our lives and changed us, it changed us forever. It was more profound than most mortal beings could ever understand. And a change like love? Well, that completely overwhelmed the body and heart. There was no way out for me. She was in my heart for an eternity, for as long as time existed.
I knew she was having a nightmare because she was breathing heavily, and apparently she was crying. Her cheeks were wet and smelt of salt. Her eyes were moving behind her eyelids. She was in the Rapid Eye Movement stage of sleep, the deepest state of sleep you could be in. I let a smile touch the corners of my lips as I looked down on her. It was also the stage of sleep where we were most vulnerable to what happened to us in the real world. I so selfishly wanted to let her know everything that was in my heart, that nothing had changed from that night so long ago. I would have to settle for this, and maybe her heart would hear it.
I let my fingertips dance over the rise of her cheeks, removing the remains of her tears. She shivered beneath me, and if I had a working heart, it would have quickened.
I buried my nose into her hair, inhaling, feeling an odd level of calm mixed with pain. Her scent was so unique, so clean, it had long before become home to me. If I could somehow bottle her scent, I might be able to get myself through this grueling task ahead of me. I cried there, against her hair, for a good long while, letting myself be swallowed up by the agony for another infinite moment. Doing this would never be enough for me. I could convince myself that this was all I needed to do what I had to do, but it never was enough. I was greedy for her touch, her voice, her love, everything over which I no longer held any claim. To let her go like this was something I had to do and couldn´t bear to do. Such a jumble of wanting and not wanting should not exist in a single vessel. I was being pulled in so many directions I had only my vampire strength to thank for not flying apart.
I looked at her face again, so peaceful and fragile, the face I had fallen in love with. She was not my enemy when she looked like this. She was only my angel.
I shook my head in dismay. Could an angel ever have her own guardian angel?
Perhaps not. Perhaps she would have to settle for a love-struck demon.
I nuzzled her cheek with my own, another infinite moment of joy and longing, and I whispered in her ear, "Do you hate me, Bella?"
She shifted a little, as though she was going to suddenly wake up and tell me… the impossible. Of course, she settled back in, and I was without an answer.
That was okay…
I shut my eyes and let myself hear her precious heartbeat and her light breaths, vowing there and then in my heart of hearts that I would never let them cease.
"I will protect you." I murmured.
With a kiss to her cheek, I sealed my vow.
I disappeared into the trees outside her home, and waited for the enemies to come, waited to die, waited for Bella to awaken, and waited for the time when she would truly be beyond my reach.
To be continued…
**IMPORTANT NOTE**: please, if you haven´t yet, listen to what should have been Edward´s lullaby in the movie, "River Flows in You" by Yiruma. It is what inspired this chapter, especially at the end.
As you might have noticed, I have once again changed the little summary of the story. I know I shouldn´t, but I´m getting jealous of some of the other stories out there. Some of them aren´t even that good and they get more reviews than me. Maybe I was just spoiled by my other stories. In any event, I wonder if I should change the first chapter to make it more interesting. Any thoughts?
I would greatly appreciate your review. I know, it´s stupid and everyone asks for them, but they do pressure me to write even when I´m super busy. I´m not going to do that whole ´give me x amount of reviews or I won´t continue´ thing, cause I think it´s just so underhanded, but I do ask for any scrap of advice you can give me. Maybe you have a better summary in mind?
Take care! xoxoxo