Ch 13: Like a Drug

EPOV

It took a great deal of strength not to sprint after that motorcycle, for two reasons. One, the sight of her on that death machine still had me terrified, even with that helmet on. I wouldn´t be comfortable with that until she had a full armored body suit with enough padding to make her bounce off the road. Second, the obvious, that seeing her ride away with that dog filled me with a jealous rage. I meant what I said when I apologized, but I wasn´t about to forgive him for putting her in danger even if he did apologize, nor for taking her away from me.

But then I shook my head at myself and laughed. Jacob didn´t have to keep Bella away from me. I just as well handed her over to him. Of course I knew this would happen. Bella was too wonderful to stay single for long. I couldn´t have possibly expected that she would wait for me.

I got into my car, the only one left in the small parking lot, and started the short drive home.

It was so strange that a part of me wanted her to have waited for me, wanted her to have ached for me as much as I did for her. The more logical side of me knew that there was no reason for her to suffer, and hurting her would have caused me irreversible damage. Still, I found myself wondering how quickly it took her to get over me. I knew she had cried when I left. When had those tears stopped? When did she wake up only to realize that she didn´t care anymore? The thoughts burned a hole in my stomach. In spite of everything, I wanted her to love me. Not just the kind brought out of the friendship we had now. I wanted her to need me like I needed her. I wanted her to leave Jacob for me. I wanted her to abandon the perfect life ahead of her just so I could keep her. I was a selfish prick indeed.

Knowing that I would be able to see her day after day was enough for me to be satisfied. I didn´t have to be happy, only she did. As long as she wanted me here, I had to stick by my promise.

As I parked in my driveway, I lingered in the car. There was another thought… How long was I going to be able to justify staying here? If I somehow survived this confrontation with Victoria and the Volturi, unlikely as it might be, what other reason would I have to stay behind? I certainly couldn´t stay in Forks forever. People were bound to notice that I wasn´t aging. I couldn´t go back to school after just a few years of college either. I wondered if Bella ever planned to come back to the town she hated so much once she was out of high school. If she went anywhere else, even if it was the sunniest place on earth, I would want to follow her. Even if I had to stay indoors during the day and isolate myself from the outside world, I would do it if she let me just exist in her life.

Jasper sensed my melancholy as I came through the door.

"I take it she didn´t come with you?"

"No," I said, forcing a little smile, "She had plans with Jacob."

"Ah," he said quietly, ´Hope she stays out of trouble.´

I hissed at his thoughts automatically.

"I´m sorry," He said quickly, "I´m sorry. You know I just am concerned about the werewolves."

His apology certainly didn´t help. The very thought of her around those dogs made my skin crawl. It took a great deal of strength not to go after her, at the very least just to watch over her. But I knew I couldn´t break the treaty and risk my family without justification. Bella trusted Jacob, and I no longer had any say over her life. I would have to trust her judgment. I cringed; Bella´s judgment was not something to be trusted.

"Please don´t test my patience, Jasper," I said, trying to be amicable but hardly succeeding.

"I know… I´m sorry… Maybe she´ll come over tomorrow."

I sighed at his weak attempt to give me hope. "Yeah… I hope so."

The evening was slow. I tried to drown out the thoughts of my family with music. I even got desperate enough to put on some loud rock music, but their thoughts still whispered to me, ´Isn´t he nervous?´ ´What´s Bella doing tonight?´ ´She never goes out much. I wonder what they do together.´

Every one of them couldn´t help but think the inevitable every now and then, that perhaps Bella and Jacob were more intimate than we had ever been. I tried to drown out their visions of Jacob, covering Bella. The pain was so stifling that it felt like I was burning in the eternal fire of transformation all over again. No, I couldn´t handle that, and yet I knew that as soon as they did do anything, Jacob would rub my face in it. I just knew he would taunt me with images of their pleasure together.

I held back a sob. I imagined her smiling up at him, her face flushed, her body bare, her eyes filled with love. I could hear her whispering his name in the darkening, the sounds of their kisses, the sounds of…

"No!" I shouted, throwing a CD case into the wall. It shattered on impact.

I held my head in my hands. It was true, jealous drives you mad. I was surely on the brink of insanity. Logic be damned, I didn´t want that mongrel to lay a hand on her, and I most certainly didn´t want him to experience what I so desperately yearned for. I had gone 100 long years without such a need. Sure, I was no stranger to sexual urges. I had seen it in the minds of everyone, and I couldn´t deny that I had wanted it myself. As a vampire, I knew I could never give into such a dream, even for a night with a stranger, not unless I wanted the girl to die. And I was a man of tradition still. I was always desperately waiting for the one, as hard as it was to wait for that. Bella was the only one I knew who made me love her so passionately that the human man in me had awoken. Sexual urges were not my forte, but I yearned for her in dangerous and frightening ways. Perhaps it was because I was a vampire. Perhaps it was because I was too frozen inside before I met her to feel anything at all.

I shook my head. I did a very poor job of not thinking about Bella and sex. The things I wanted to happen were still on the brink of my mind. Those were dreams that would never be. I knew I would never love another woman as long as I lived. I smiled bitterly. Looks like Emmett was right. I really was going to die a virgin. That´s okay, I could live with that, as long as Bella was safe and happy.

There were thoughts that were oddly more frightening to me than sex… Eventually I knew Bella would get married, whether to Jacob or some other undeserving human. I didn´t know why it bothered me more, but the idea that even her soul was out of my reach, untouchable... It was her soul I was trying to protect in all this craziness. I remembered my fears when we had first met, imagining her walking down the aisle in white lace to Wagner´s March… The pain of that thought was just as strong today as it was then, so powerful I felt like I was being choked to death by Bella herself.

Suddenly, Alice had a vision. I heard her gasp and I automatically focused in on her, as I always did whenever she had these reactions. I saw a house in the middle of nowhere with loud music blaring from all windows. It was filled with young people. Apparently another one of those useless high school parties. I couldn´t help but suddenly be fearful for those poor fools. Was there a vampire lurking amongst them and about to slaughter them all? Why else would Alice be having a vision of this? It didn´t concern us what humans did.

But then I saw that I never thought I would see in my endless existence, my Bella drunk, laughing with friends and strangers and drinking cup after cup of something, I could not see what, but I was no stranger to the games of teenagers. A pained gasp broke through my throat, followed by a growl of rage as I saw Jacob next to her, drunk himself and hovering over her. Is this what he had planned for them to do together? I could worry even further… Was this dog desperate enough to take advantage of her?

I ran out the room and towards the living room where Alice was, along with Jasper. I glared at her but she was still in the throes of the vision. I saw the hours pass and Jacob tried nothing, but Bella got stranger and stranger. She went to the bathroom and suddenly she was falling, vomiting, and then falling again. Her face was filled with fear. And then someone, a face I couldn´t see in Alice´s point of view, was dragging her backwards into the hallway, dragging her off no doubt to have his way with her.

"No!" I yelled, my very voice shaking the glass of the chandelier.

I didn´t wait. I didn´t even know if I was too late to stop this. I ran out of the house as fast as I possibly could and took off in my car. Alice knew what I was going to do. I could already feel that the vision was shifting, but she screamed out to me in her mind the location of the party. By the time her voice faded from my mind, I was too many miles away to hear her.

Words could not express my fury, both at Jacob for putting her in such a destructive environment, and Bella for being stupid enough to go along with this. I knew perfectly well that she knew nothing about alcohol. I knew that with her body size what amount of alcohol she should limit herself to. I knew that what was happening in that bathroom was far from normal.

Someone had drugged her.

There was nothing in the world more horrifying to me than rape, and the very thought that someone wanted to do that to my precious Bella was beyond infuriating. If I found out who did it, no, when I found out who did it, I would happily feast on their blood, even if they were human.

I cringed and forced myself to stop thinking such thoughts. This wasn´t the first time Bella´s virtue had been threatened, and it wasn´t the first time I had been this angry. I remembered all too well those men in Port Angeles who had herded her like some kind of cattle, their thoughts sick and evil. I had wanted so badly to tear them to pieces right then and there, even in front of her, but I couldn´t bear to do anything that would frighten Bella away.

Now that Bella would never be mine, perhaps I had no reason not to do away with her would-be rapist…

I had no time to dwell on the thoughts. I came to the house and screeched to a halt in front of a bunch of drunken teenagers hanging around on the outside. In their drunken stupor, their reaction to me wasn´t nearly as powerful, but they were frightened all the same.

The sounds of their thoughts gave me such a headache. Their vision was blurred and they were sickeningly slow and numb. I grinded my teeth, thinking about Bella being taken into this kind of world. I couldn´t stand the thought of someone poisoning her precious mind with such a useless drug.

I didn´t bother to knock. It was all I could not to jump through the window. I broke down the door with one kick. Screams and gasps of shock followed, and then no one spoke. Through the blast of music, I could hear them murmur my name in their minds.

´That's Edward Cullen! What is he doing here?´

´Oh my God, it´s Edward… and I look a mess!´

´Who in the world invited him?´

Jacob was the next face I saw and I instantly forgot about all else but taking him out, and I certainly wouldn´t apologize for this one.

´No´ I told myself, ´Save Bella first.´

He towered over me. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

His thoughts were almost as furious as mine, and yet he did not show any signs of transforming… Odd. I didn´t pay attention long enough to find out why. If he didn´t get out of my way, I would make him. He came at me, and I shoved him aside and into the couch, breaking the wooden frame in two with a shattering snap. The party goers gasped, screamed, and cheered. The more sober amongst them were terrified and wondering if they should call the police, but then thinking that they would have no time to get here before we both killed each other.

I bolted towards the almost empty hallway, just where I knew it would be. I could have cried in relief when I found my Bella alone and unharmed, crumbled on the floor. Apparently I had made it just in time. My fury intensified ten-fold as I realized that her attacker was probably only a second out of my grasp.

But then I saw her face twisted in pain and confusion. I heard her breathing hard. I could see her shaking. No, she wasn´t unharmed. I was positive now that she had been given something. I had to get her medical attention and water as soon as possible. Seeing her eyes drooping, I knew that I couldn´t allow her to pass out either, not until I knew it was safe to do so.

I gently pulled my darling Bella into my arms, and I could swear she felt more fragile than normal. My wounded tiger kitten… She curled into me like a kitten did, clung to me like I was her only friend in the world. Instantly, I felt relief. It wasn´t complete, but it was enough for me to not fall apart with panic. Nothing could ever be wrong in this world as long as Bella was in my arms.

She stared at me in such confusion and I yearned to smooth her brow with my fingertips. Her eyes were glazed and I didn´t know if she could really see me. I cringed. Everything depended on exactly which drug she had been given. I might have some medical training, but only a real doctor would be able to tell.

"It´s okay, Bella. I´m taking you to Carlisle. I think someone tried to drug you. Do you understand?"

She looked like she was trying to say something, my name maybe, but I didn´t hear anything more than a whisper of a breath. Well there was another symptom for me to address to Carlisle. I saw how scared she was and it pulled at my heart. Instinctively, I held her to me tighter, bringing her face into my neck. Her breath, though it reeked of alcohol, was still warm and soothing.

Jacob was back on his feet by the time I came back into the living room. Of course, now that I had Bella in my arms, the inevitable thoughts came to the crowd of a fight between rivals, ´Wow, looks like this is about Bella. This should be good.´

Jacob´s face twisted into shock as he saw Bella in my arms. On top of that was fury that I was touching her. He came forward. "What happened? What´s wrong with her?"

Yes, curious indeed. He was infuriated but I could not detect any change in him. Like the others, his mind was a blur of alcohol. I found him suddenly hard to read. He switched so quickly between thinking about the party, Bella´s condition, and fury at my intrusion. He even thought that I had done something to her, the bastard.

"Isn´t it obvious, Jacob? She was drugged!"

I was too startled to move as Jacob suddenly tried to take Bella out of my arms. Without even thinking about it, a growl erupted from my throat and I flashed my teeth at him. The other students recoiled in fear, but most were thinking that they were just too drunk to know what was going on. I let the animalistic growl rip through me and held Bella against me. There was no way I was going to hand her over to him. I didn´t care how drunk he was. He should have been watching out for her. He knew perfectly well that Bella had never had alcohol before, and yet he didn´t even think to make sure she was safe.

But I would deal with him later. "Stand down, Jacob! I´m taking her to my father." I moved towards the door again, seeing that it was finally registering in his mind that she truly had been drugged. He was looking at Bella in confusion, at the look of misery on her face, at the sweat that had formed on her brow. Before I stepped outside, I tried to give the others just a little tip. Whoever attacked Bella might still be here, I wouldn´t know until I investigated for myself, which I would, but perhaps every one of them was at risk. "And everyone throw out your drinks just in case."

In a few seconds we were out to the car. As I gently put her into the car seat, I could hear and see Jacob coming up behind me. I stroked Bella´s cheek for a moment, borrowing strength from her, and turned around to face my rival.

"Just how did you know that this would happen?" He growled.

But the other teenagers were watching closely from the house, I had to keep my voice down and keep it simple. "My sister saw it. It´s a good thing too, because whoever drugged her had tried to drag her away as well."

His face registered shock. "I don´t believe you!"

"You don´t have to," I said simply, "Now if you´ll excuse me, the longer I wait the more at risk Bella is."

Even Jacob couldn´t go against that, and he knew perfectly well that doing so would be akin to devaluing Bella´s health. He yearned to take her to the doctor himself, but I would never give him that gratification. I answered his thoughts, "I suggest in the future that if you are going to be her boyfriend you make sure she doesn´t get hurt."

More fury. "You think I wanted something like this to happen?"

"You know she has never had anything to drink. You know she doesn´t know how to be safe. Don´t tell me you aren´t at fault when you should have been watching her."

There was a hint of shame in his thoughts, but he was covering it up with anger. I didn´t have any more time to consider his thoughts, I got into the car and quickly pulled out onto the road. With a quick turn of the wheel, the car was flipped around and we were speeding towards my house.

As I dialed the phone for Carlisle, to give him a head start on preparing a treatment, I shook Bella´s shoulder, "Stay awake, Bella." I said, "Don´t go to sleep."

She moaned and burned her face into the leather seats. I shook her again, "Bella, please, you can´t go to sleep until we know what happened. You might end up in a coma for all I know."

She groaned again, a light sound this time. I knew she couldn´t speak, and so she couldn´t possibly argue with me. She kept dozing and I fought to keep her awake.

Carlisle picked up, "Edward? Alice already told me what was happening. We have everything ready for you."

"Thanks," I said simply, and hung up.

Now I had to focus all my attention on keeping her conscious. I pulled her up into a good seating position but her head kept falling forward. I slapped at her cheeks lightly to wake her. I was really starting to panic again. What if she fell asleep and never woke up again?

"Damn it, Bella, stay awake!" I shouted. It wasn't like me to curse, but I was losing my mind with worry.

She looked up at me with frightened and glazed eyes. I hated seeing her like that. The last thing I wanted was for her to fear anything. I promised I would keep her safe. Had I let her down for the last time?

No, that was unthinkable. As soon as we pulled up into the driveway, even before the car came to a full stop, I pulled her into my arms and jumped out of the car. In another few seconds, we were inside the house and up the stairs. True to his word, Carlisle had everything ready. The rest of the family, having been notified of Alice´s vision, had gathered in the room as well. I set her down on the gurney and slapped at her cheeks again, trying to keep her attention. "It´s okay, Bella. We´ll make sure you´re okay."

It was so hard to keep my voice even. I knew I had to be strong for her sake, but it was hard to play the part of the calm and collected friend. Bella didn´t respond, but she did seem to finally focus on my face. I saw her lips move, trying her hardest to speak. "Don´t strain yourself. Just let Carlisle take care of you."

Carlisle came up beside us. "Bella, what happened?"

"She can´t seem to speak. It looks like she is trying to, but can´t actually make any sounds."

He instantly began jotting down notes. "What else?"

"She can´t seem to walk correctly, she vomited in the bathroom at the house, she can´t seem to see anything very clearly," As I said that, he glanced at each of her eyes, thinking to himself that they looked rather hazy. "She keeps falling in and out of consciousness; her breathing is odd to me…"

I stopped when suddenly I smelled the salt of her tears. I was at her side in a millisecond, cradling her face in my hands. "Bella? What´s wrong?"

Of course she couldn´t answer me, but she sobbed anyway. Tentatively, I put my arms around her and pulled her close. If I could I would suck the pain right out of her body.

"Apparently, mood swings too," Carlisle said as he continued writing. "Yep, this looks like a case of Rophypnol to me. The classic date rape drug."

I clenched my jaw tight, remembering the horror of Alice´s vision. As soon as I was sure Bella was safe I was running back there to track him down. If I couldn´t kill him, I could at the very least maim him. Bella´s sobs were the only thing that could distract me from my fury. I rubbed her back softly. It had always worked in the past. I wanted to sing to her too, but thought better of it. Better not to pretend like things were the same between us, just like they had always been.

She probably wouldn´t care for the song anymore…

"What do I do?" I asked Carlisle.

"Nothing much we can do. The effects should last anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. She´ll probably not remember what happened tonight. She will just have to wait it out. You can take her home."

I knew that would probably be the best thing to do. A part of me even wondered if I should tell her father about this. As a policeman, he understood the severity of this, and he would no doubt help in the search for the perpetrator. Then again, I didn´t want Bella to get in trouble when her boyfriend should have been watching over her. What´s more, if the police got involved, I wouldn´t be able to have the pleasure of finding and taking down her attacker.

But putting my blood lust aside, I was terrified of being apart from her right now. The thought of anyone hurting her had awoken a beast inside of me. Just like in Port Angeles, I knew I would do something I regretted if I was left alone now. I knew I didn´t deserve this precious girl, and yet I strove to be worthy of her. Plus, if anything did go wrong, I wanted Carlisle to be right there.

"Do you think it´s alright if she stays here for the night… I don´t want her to be far from medical attention."

Carlisle smiled, understanding what I couldn´t bring myself to say. In his thoughts, he was thinking about how undeserving I thought I was, how I could never see just how perfect she and I were together. I had to bite my tongue to keep from refuting that.

I had the answer I needed. I heard Bella sigh as I pulled her into my arms again and headed off towards my room. I cursed the fact that I had no bed of my own, but the couch in my room was comfortable enough…. Just not big enough for me to lie down next to her…

I could have laughed at myself if I weren´t so pitiful. Why was I even considering being with her like that? Those times were over. She was being watched over by someone else. Well, at least for tonight, I would be able to guard her again.

"It´s okay, Bella. You can sleep now."

I laid her down on the sofa and went to the corner to fetch some blankets. I had expected her to fall asleep immediately, but when I turned around she was back on her feet, shuffling towards me. She mumbled something, I couldn´t make out what, before her feet gave out again. I caught her around the waist, "Bella!"

And then she smiled at me. This wasn´t the smile I had fallen in love with. This was the smile of a drunk. But no, she was far worse than a drunk right now. Long ago I thought her blood was my own brand of heroine, but Bella herself was like a drug to me. The heat of her body enveloped mine and all I wanted to do was hold onto her like this forever. Us, chest to chest, heart to heart, eye to eye, we were just like I always wished we could be. For one infinite moment, it was like the love between us had never faded. It was like I never left.

And suddenly I felt like I was falling face-first into the sun, into Bella´s tempting lips. She lunged forward and in my confusion I couldn´t react, but my entire body came to life as I felt her kiss. As though lightning had struck me, I shook in both pleasure and pain, not knowing which one I ought to feel, but sure it would kill me. Her hands buried in my hair, pulling me closer to her and engulfing me in the wetness and warmth of her mouth. It was a pleasure I had never forgotten but one that my soul ached for. With a gasp of pure anguish, I was suddenly kissing her back, kissing her like I had never kissed her before. The force it took to not crush her to me had me shaking, and was the only hold on reality that I had left.

Her lips tasted just like they always had, like my heroine blood. The sweetness of her blood coated her skin and seeped through to the surface, not enough for me to lose myself but certainly enough for me to forget myself, forget my surroundings.

I would move mountains for her, die for her, lasso the moon for her, but I couldn´t give her what she really needed anymore… a life without me. By this very kiss, I knew that I could never be parted from her, no matter how she felt about me, even if I was to never kiss her again, even if we were to never speak again. The only moments that mattered to me anymore was time spent with her, and I knew that this kiss would be imprinted into my lips until the end of time.

And the way she kissed me, if actually felt like she meant it, like she loved me just as she did before, and that was the most painful of all, to be so close to her heart and yet not able to claim it.

For the tiniest moment, I kissed her like I had dreamed of for months, as though if I didn´t the world would come to an end. And I was pretty sure it would, because in spite of this pleasure, I knew that it was wrong. Yet another side effect of the drug… promiscuity, a feature Bella never had. She loved someone else and I would be a monster to take advantage of her lack of consciousness.

She probably didn´t realize that I had begun to cry, but I couldn´t continue this. I pulled her off of me, looking at her desperately, trying to make her see that she was killing me. Instead of seeing me, seeing the pain she caused me, she collapsed into my arms again.

"Bella!"

And then, putting an end to this fiasco, I heard her light snore. But I found no humor in it. To think that for so long I had wanted nothing but to kiss her again, and in doing so she might as well have ripped my heart out and sent it through a shredder. Emotionally weak, I hugged her to me, needing the contact, needing the small reminder of the love we once shared, and I cried. This thing called love was surely the work of the devil. How could God make something that made you feel both wonderful and horrible at the same time, tempting you and punishing you at once? No, God would not save me from the devil. I was a monster and my soul was tainted. Perhaps that was why I couldn´t let go of Bella…

And then I laid her on the couch, covering her with the blankets, finally putting distance between us. And yet with that kiss I only wanted to touch her more. Would fate ever show me a kind hand?

I shook my head. But it had. My Bella was alive. She was drugged, but she would be fine, and that was worth everything.

I sat in the corner of the room, watching her like I did when I firstk new her, but I longed to be closer every second. The feel of her lips against mine was still fresh and I replayed every millisecond in my mind, trying to find some meaning behind it, just to know that I could get through this. This agony was not meant to be endured. How could I kiss her today and then watch her walk down the aisle to kiss another tomorrow?

But I knew the answer. I would see to it that her life was happy, and when that was certain, when it wouldn´t be noticed, my existence would cease to be. Without her… I might as well be in hell.

To be continued…

Shoot! I hadn´t even noticed that so much time had passed. I hope you´ll forgive the delay. Once again, poor Edward must suffer thanks to me, but don´t worry I plan to make it up in full and then some interest! Please leave a review and let me know how I´m doing, even if you didn´t like something. Toodles!