**NOTE**: Please observe the MATURE rating with regards to this chapter.

Ch 19: The Use of Force

BPOV

Edward didn´t come to class after that, though I guess he didn´t need to. Not like he would be learning anything new.

I had never felt so torn. In a way, like always, I just wanted to be near him, to breathe in his scent, hear his voice, see his smile, anything that I could. Even if I was forbidden to see him outside of class, it would be a relief to see him at school. However, being near him now would only make us fight again, I just knew it.

And so I was back to square one again, desperately wanting Edward but not even being able to be on friendly terms anymore. What would I do after graduation? Would Jacob still forbid me from seeing him? Before that happened, could I convince him to let us be friends?

Or worse, what if we graduated and Edward disappeared again? He said he would stay around to protect me, but would he still do that? I didn´t fear the arrival of vampires out for my blood a fraction of how much I feared his departure. I didn´t know if I could go through that pain again, even if we weren´t supposed to be friends anymore.

I went through all my classes without seeing him once. I didn´t even see Alice or Emmett or any of his family for that matter, perhaps they all decided to skip. The day was a depressing blur due to their absence. Not even my human friends could fill the void in me. I yearned for some inhuman companionship.

But apparently I would be getting just that, only not the kind I had been hoping for. As soon as I arrived home, Charlie informed me that we would be going out to La Push for a barbeque. I don´t think I had ever dreaded going there so much before. My only comfort was that it wasn´t going to be just Jake and I. Both our fathers, the other boys, and a few others from town were coming as well. It was strange to think that I was afraid of being alone with my own boyfriend.

In any event, I would have to get over it. No way this relationship would work out if we couldn´t be alone together. My insides turned over a few times. I knew there would come a day when we would have to be… intimate. I could barely stomach the thought of having sex with anyone but Edward. Though a few months had passed since my vampire had returned, some things were clear. My love for Edward had not weakened, and my love for Jacob had not grown, as I had expected it would. Would I be ready to truly be with Jacob when the time came?

We arrived at the house to find the barbeque was already in full swing. It was in the early evening, so the sun was still out, but turning the sky a pleasant yellow and white. Clearly the Blacks knew how to take advantage of good weather and plan ahead. Just this morning it had been cloudy and now there wasn´t a cloud in the sky. I smirked to myself. Maybe their wolf instincts were a big helper in that regard.

Jake and his father were at the front door to greet us. "Charlie, Bella, welcome. Glad you could make it on such short notice."

"You know we wouldn´t miss it," replied Charlie, "You still owe me that salmon."

"Well, come out to the back and we´ll get you two started on some food. You, my friend, will bringing all your salmon to me when you get a taste of what I´ve got cooking."

My father stepped away from me to match his friend´s pace, which was oddly fast considering the wheelchair, while Jacob waited for me to come close enough to wrap an arm around my waist. I jumped a little at his actions. He was always a bit touchier than normal boys, but in front of our fathers? It was a stretch, even for him. Still, he gave me a strong smile and I instantly fell into place in his grasp. My nerves eased slightly, and we proceeded to the festivities.

Jacob didn´t let go of me until we reached his friends. Like most gatherings, the kids were all gathered at one table. It was a little unnerving though, being the only girl. Having Emily or Leah around would have made me feel a bit more comfortable.

"There she is," Quil shouted, always one to be friendly.

I slid out of Jacob´s grasp when Quil put his arm over my shoulder. It was an odd relief. Quil lowered his voice, "We snuck some beer into these jugs. Just don´t tell any of the adults."

Without asking if I wanted any, he handed me a glass. I took it, knowing full well I wouldn´t even take a sip. I had sampled beer before and could never understand how people enjoyed that bitter taste. But boys being boys, Jake and the others did not hesitate.

"So, Bella, I was hoping you could answer me something. Now you don´t have to talk about it if you don´t want to, I´m just curious."

I winced, but nodded my permission for him to ask.

"Is it true that there you´ve got some vampire stalker out there, coming after you now?"

I instantly shivered. Jake eyed me and tensed as well, but tried to keep things friendly all the same, "Okay, Quil. That is hardly the conversation to bring up at a party."

"Calm down, Jake. It´s a simple question." Quil laughed.

Jacob glared at him a little harder, locking his jaw firmly, "And I would appreciate it if you didn´t ask again."

Somehow I knew there was a secret meaning beneath that glare, something that he couldn´t say out loud, at least not in this crowd. I felt myself getting smaller and smaller amidst the tension. The other boys looked at each other with varying looks of concern. I hated to be the center of it all.

"I just wanted to know because we have been told to keep on the lookout." The question was innocent enough, I supposed.

Jake wrapped an arm around my waist again and hoisted me against him, glaring at Quil. "Don´t question it, just do it please."

The air around us immediately got quiet. I didn´t quite understand why Jacob was so offended by this topic. Granted, it wasn´t very comfortable for me either, but I could understand why they would want to know why they were risking their own lives for someone like me. I wanted to tell him that I didn´t mind him asking, that I was sorry for dragging them into this mess, but I knew the time had passed. Quil looked at me grimly, "Sorry, Bella. It´s alright. We´ll protect you."

I gave him a brief smile of thanks. Jake whispered to me, "I´ll go get you some food."

I sat down with his friends, who were desperately trying to change the subject, but I was suddenly out of the conversation. I looked around me, not really looking for anyone or anything in particular, but needing a distraction. It was a sea of faces, both ones that I knew and didn´t know, but none of them faces I knew very well. These were people I had met as a child whilst visiting my father, not people I had made any real connections with. I had always felt that their world was different from mine. I never really fit in with this small town crowd, couldn´t relate to this quiet life they all lived, or how it was that they enjoyed it so much. And that was all before I was introduced to the world of vampires and werewolves. Now it was like the distance between me and the normal human world had increased ten-fold. All of their problems seemed so trivial to me, I could barely even sympathize with their day-to-day life. It was hard to care about who was dating who and what was the latest fashion craze when your life was constantly on the line, or the love of your life was in and out of your life without warning, or you were desperately hanging on to whatever thread of sanity you had left.

Was this how it was going to feel forever? Would I always feel this separated from the real world?

When Jacob returned with the food, I felt I had a place at the party again. The boys joked around and threw food at each other and discussed the latest games and movies. Pretty soon the sun was going down and the party was dying down.

All of a sudden, Jacob took my hand. "Come with me, Bella."

I followed without hesitation, happy to get away from the small but stifling crowd. We headed inside and I automatically made my way to the living room, until Jacob started guiding me into his bedroom. "Jacob?"

"No one will bother us in here. I just wanted to talk since we don´t get many chances these days."

His voice was very delicate and rough. I could tell by looking at him that he was a bit intoxicated. It was actually a little amusing, to be sober myself and to see him like this. This would probably be a better time to talk than any other. I could probably find out more of what he was thinking, he would be less willing to hide anything from me. First things first, I would have to find out why he was so angry at Quil´s question before. Then maybe I could get him to ease up on Edward.

We entered his room, which was rather dark for my standards. A single salt lamp lit the room in orange hues, like a sunset. I could make up machinery parts lying on his desk, and tribal patterns on his bed post and furniture. A few clothes were strewn about as well. It was very much a typical guy room.

We sat on his bed and he smiled at me in that sweet way I loved so much, "How are you?"

I smiled back, "Fine. It´ll just be a relief once school-."

But before I could say anything else, Jacob´s lips smashed against mine, hard. I was so shocked all the air escaped from my lungs at once. I would have backed off to take a breath of air but his arms wrapped around me and held me against him. His kiss was sloppy and reeked of beer. I turned my face to the side, only to have him start kissing down my neck. "Jake, what are you doing?"

"Kissing you, of course." He laughed darkly. If it had been anyone other than me, it would be been considered a very pleasant sound.

"I thought you wanted to talk."

"I think this is much better than talking, don´t you?"

I couldn't answer that. My mind was running a mile a minute and all I could do was hang on as he forced his tongue into my mouth. I had no idea how I should respond to him. I tried doing the same things he did, to keep pace with him, but our rhythm never seemed to match no matter how hard I tried. Our teeth brushed together, making a very unpleasant clacking noise. Kissing him was at least tolerable when he was sober, but this was ridiculously unnatural. It was truly a horrible kiss, but Jake didn´t seem to notice.

Suddenly my shirt was being lifted and hands were groping my breasts over my bra. It was then that I started to panic. I pushed at him and cried out, "Jake, please stop. Please… You know we aren´t the only ones here."

"I can be quiet, if you can," He said as he gave me a squeeze. He smiled, "I can hear your heart pounding."

That was true, but it certainly wasn´t from pleasure. When he tried moving my bra to the side, I jumped back and shouted as softly as I could, "Jake, stop!"

He did, but he didn´t let go of me. His hold didn´t even loosen. "What? I´m not doing anything wrong. You´re my girlfriend. What did you expect me to do?"

I felt tears rushing to my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. "You´re drunk… besides, I´m just not ready for that."

He scoffed, "Not even ready to let me touch you? Good grief, Bella, I can barely even hold your hand anymore without you tensing up."

Crap, so he had noticed that after all. I shook my head, "It´s just going too fast for me. I need some time to get used to this. We´ve barely even started dating."

"So what? It´s the 21st century. How long were you planning to wait anyway?"

Forever was what I had in mind. "I don´t know. I hadn´t figured that out yet. But anyway, you know I was never one of those girls who just falls into bed with someone instantly."

"Bella, Bella, Bella… You´re the kind of girl who is too shy to take the initiative, probably ever."

I knew for a fact that wasn´t true, having questioned Edward a few times myself about possibilities for a more intimate relationship, but knowing that didn´t make the words hurt any less, "You don´t know that."

"I know you better than you think, Bella," He brought his hand up to roughly caress my cheek, "You don't say what you really want. You´re afraid of getting hurt so you shut yourself down."

He kissed my cheek lovingly, but it felt sick. His words did have truth in them, but they felt like more of an insult than anything else. "You make me sound like such a push-over."

"Not at all, Bella. I just want to help you." He rubbed my arms soothingly. "Tell you what. We´ll start off with something else. Something where you get control, okay? I won´t touch a thing."

I let that settle in my mind for a few seconds. That didn´t sound so bad. I wasn´t sure I could handle being the dominating one, but at least I could keep my body to myself for a while longer and test out my own assertion. "Okay," I agreed with a weak smile, ever trusting, ever naive.

He smiled wide and gave me a long passionate kiss. For once, I melted into him, happy that he was happy, having that certainty once again that if I tried hard enough, we would live happily ever after. He softly pulled my hair back, breaking the kiss, but his lips hovered over mine, just grazing the skin. In the faint light of his lamp, it looked unbearably seductive. Maybe I could get used to this.

"Suck me."

The words didn´t seem to process until a few moments later, but when they did, all my calm rushed out of me like I had been struck by him.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God… He didn´t mean… Oh God!

"It´s okay. It´s not that hard. Here, I ´ll help you."

Oh my God, he was zipping down his pants!

I was beyond worried or afraid at this point. I was downright terrified. So much so that I couldn´t utter a single sound of resistance. I knew I wanted to back away. I knew this was not something I could do. I knew this was no less horrifying than actually making love to him. But suddenly he placed my hands on him and it was all I could do not to vomit. I had never touched a… penis before, but this was not what I had in mind. A large throbbing muscle surrounded by hair and covered in sweat. It was revolting, unnatural, and far FAR too forward.

I tried moving my hands away, but Jake wouldn´t give me any room to move. He was guiding my hands up and down, squeezing down on my hands, creating friction. Tears spilled over onto my cheeks. He didn´t notice, but the feeling of the wetness awoke me from my horror-struck trance and gave me a moment of strength to speak. "Please, Jake… I can´t do this. Don´t make me."

My voice sounded so pitiful, barely even a cry, and Jake didn´t seem to care, "Come on. Just put your mouth on it and I´ll do the rest."

So much for me having control. He gripped the back of my head and pushed me down. He forced himself into my mouth and I almost vomited right then and there. It was truly a disgusting taste and smell. I instinctively tried to back away, but his hands held me down. I cried out, but my voice was muffled. I heard a satisfied groan as his penis filled my entire mouth. Tears overflowed from my eyes and I tried desperately to back away. I managed to move back only a few inches before he began thrusting into my mouth, back and forth.

He was reaching the back of my throat, initiating the gag reflex. I was vomiting up fluids but he didn´t stop. I tried using my teeth to make him stop, but just like the rest of his body, he was too hard for me to hurt him even there, and he even seemed to find pleasure in the feeling of my teeth.

My mind seemed to go blank for a while, growing numb to this unnatural invasion of my body an soul, blocking my mind from the horror of what was happening. Within a few minutes, I was only aware that I was sobbing, but I had given up on getting away. My whole mouth was hurting, I couldn´t even breathe right.

All the while I could hear Jacob´s sighs of contentment. Even the light sound of his voice sent shivers down my spine and made the situation that much worse. If I hadn´t known it was him beneath me, maybe it wouldn´t have been so hard. Maybe if a faceless stranger had cornered me in an alley and forced himself on me, it would have been easier than knowing I was being betrayed by someone I loved. Then I could hate and scorn and thrash and scream all I wanted. But this was my Jacob… my Jacob, and he was breaking my heart all over again.

"I´m going to come," he said, just a second before he tensed beneath me.

I tried again to pull back, panicked once more, but he held my face against him and strained, "Swallow!" He shouted, his voice now frighteningly demanding.

His semen went straight into my throat and I choked. I could taste the vile salty essence of him throughout my entire mouth, an experience I knew I was far from ready for.

Only a few seconds later did he finally pull my head back and let me pant for breath. He too was panting, and he smiled in drunken satisfaction, "Wow Bella, that was pretty good, even if a bit sloppy."

What a thing to say, after forcing me to do such at thing, like I was some kind of animal or child being taught a lesson. I crawled backwards into his dresser, trying to get away from him, but shaking too much for me to do much of anything.

The taste and smell of semen seemed to be all over me, not just in my mouth. Jacob buckled his pants again, and sighed, "Go get washed up. We should get back to the party before someone comes looking for us."

I didn´t say a word. I didn´t even look at him. And he was acting like nothing had happened at all, like this wasn't such a big deal. He had forced himself on me, and this was his reaction? He lightly touched my head and I cringed. "Oh, don´t be like that, Bella. It just takes some getting used to. I promise that when you let me, I´ll do more than just return the favor."

The thought of him doing that to me was almost as disgusting as what I had just done to him.

He left the room without another word, leaving me in the darkness. Tears continued to cloud my vision, but the taste in my mouth was something I could not ignore, no matter how horrible I felt. I made a bee-line to the bathroom and washed out my mouth as many times as I could. But even after I had brushed my teeth 5 times, I could still taste him. More than that, I could still feel his hands on me. I could still feel my mouth straining to fit around him. I felt as though more than my mouth had been taken by him.

I sat on the floor of the bathroom and put my face on top of my knees, just trying to breathe normally again. I didn´t know if I was truly having a panic attack or not, but my heart felt like it was about to explode under pressure.

´This is what you asked for,´ a small voice in my head whispered, ´You would have given anything to have someone by your side, anybody, just so you could forget your own heart.´

I shook my head against the words and heaved heavy breaths against my knees.

The minutes passed, or it might have been hours. Suddenly my father´s voice was calling my name, telling me we had to get home. I felt such relief and yet such dread. Thankfully when I exited Jacob´s room, my forceful boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. We made our way to the car without a fuss, and my father seemed blissfully unaware of my traumatized state.

"Did you have a good time, honey?"

I uttered my first words in what must have been forever. "Yeah."

The words felt dry and empty, and uttering them brought the revolting taste of semen back into my mouth. I shut my lips tightly, refusing to say anything I didn´t need to. The entire way home my father caught me up on the latest gossip, but I didn´t even hear a word. When we arrived at our driveway, I barely even said goodnight before I made it up to my room. Without even taking off my shoes, I got under the covers, looking for any form of solace I could find, even in this empty darkness.

This was the first time Jacob had actually forced himself on me. He had tried to do things to me before, but it had always been enough for me to tell him to stop. Oh God, what had happened to Jacob? What had happened to us? Why was he doing this?

I tried desperately to sleep, but sleep would not come. I kept glancing at the window, wondering if Jacob was going to come into my room again, maybe this time to do something even worse. After all, he was in on the plan to protect me. Who was going to stop him from coming right on in and having his way with me?

I had to get away. I had to get someplace where Jacob couldn´t find me, just so I could think for awhile. There was only one person I knew who could give me that comfort. Keeping my voice down so that Charlie wouldn`t hear me, I dialed.

"Hi Bella," Alice´s cheerful voice rang out. "What´s up?"

Hearing her voice brought more tears to my eyes, I think because I knew how much I needed her right then. I tried my best to smile through the tears, to keep my voice level, "Hi Alice. I know it´s late. I hope you don´t mind."

" Of course not. Don´t be silly. Not like I was sleeping or anything." She laughed.

"I didn´t think so… Do you think I could come stay with you tonight? I really don´t want to be at home right now."

"Okay…" There was a long pause, "Bella, did something happen? Are you okay?"

No, I definitely was not okay. I wanted to tell her everything, wanted her to help me, but it was too soon to think about telling this horrible tale. I just needed a distraction. "I´m fine," I lied, "I just can´t sleep and I would really like to hang out. Do you think you can come pick me up?"

"Absolutely! I´ll be there in 10 minutes. Wait for me around the block so we don´t wake up your father."

As I hung up the phone, I felt the cold grip of loneliness again, and ten minutes was suddenly ten years. I changed my clothes in the meantime. Although I doubted my clothes were affected, it still felt like Jacob was covering every inch of me, and I didn´t want Alice being tipped off by any weird smells, if any. Maybe by the end of the night, I would be able to get her advice on this whole mess. That was, of course, assuming I could find the guts to tell her about this.

What I wasn´t prepared for was how scared I would be just to step outside. In this small town, there were no street lights to guide me. By now, most of the families had settled down to sleep. I could see a few windows of light far away. So far away they would never be able to hear me scream.

It was strange, but I realized it was no longer Victoria I feared to find in this darkness. I feared my best friend, my boyfriend, the person I had trusted with my life and heart. I feared just seeing his face again or hearing his voice. Afraid of my Jacob… Not just afraid but terrified of him. Terrified of what he might do to me next.

Every sound in the night scared the life out of me. I kept expecting to see him coming out from behind the trees. I kept imagining the howling of wolves and glowing eyes staring at me hungrily, undressing me mentally. When Alice´s car finally came into view, for a moment I thought the headlights were the eyes of the wolf. I really was losing my mind.

I got into the car as soon as it slowed down enough for me to do so. Apparently I didn´t look as composed and I had hoped, because Alice was staring at me with that concerned look of hers. "Good grief, Bella. You look horrible."

I crossed my arms and tried to make myself smaller again. "Gee, thanks Alice."

She shook her head, "No, I mean… what happened to you?"

"I´m fine… Really… It´s just been a rough day and I´m really on edge right now."

"Oh… well okay… Hopefully I can cheer you up," She said, returning to her uppity self.

I smiled, a real smile, feeling safe at last, "I know you will."

The drive to the Cullen household was very soothing. I no longer feared what lurked in the shadows. Just being around Alice seemed to suck the fear right out of me. No matter what problems we had in the past, I knew I was untouchable as long as I was with her, or anyone else in the family for that matter.

Oh, but there was a thought… "Alice… Is Edward home? We kind of got into an argument today and I doubt he´ll want to speak to me."

The car seemed to get colder, like the wind was creeping in through the windows. "No. I mean he wouldn´t mind anyway, knowing him, but… he´s not home. He is out hunting with Carlisle and Esme."

"Oh… I always thought you guys all went together."

"Well some of us last longer than others, so… it doesn´t always work out."

"I see…"

"And I´m pretty sure the others are doing their own thing as well, so for the most part we´ll have the whole house to ourselves."

"Just promise me no makeovers."

"Oh come on… how about a pedicure?"

"No, Alice. I don´t think I can handle that kind of stress right now."

She sighed, "Fine. Movies it is."

"Thank you."

True to her word, the Cullen house was quiet and dark when we arrived. But apparently Alice could hear something I couldn´t. "Apparently Rosalie and Emmett are doing some work in the garage."

"Where´s Jasper?"

"Don´t know. But that´s okay. This will be a girl´s night," She chirped.

Good. I had definitely had enough of men for the night.

We settled onto the couch and picked out a few good Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. To my amazement, they still had some human food lying around the house, so I snacked on popcorn and soda, and soon our attention switched from television to gossip. Amazingly, even as a vampire, she had a better understanding of the social web at Forks High School than I ever could. I think that within two hours, I had come to know of every single relationship including all of the fights and the makeups.

Jasper very suddenly appeared, looking rather disheveled, like he had just run a marathon. He looked at Alice and then me, and then smiled. "Hi Bella. What are you doing here?"

Alice spoke up before I could, "Just hanging out tonight… Everything okay?"

He smiled very lightly, it was so very small I´m not even sure it happened. "Hey… It´s alright. You girls enjoy yourselves. I´m going to head upstairs."

"You can join us if you want," I offered. "It was supposed to be a girl´s night, but I think we can make an exception."

"Thanks anyway Bella, but I have some business to attend to." And before I could blink, he was out of the room again.

"That was weird," I thought out loud.

"Yeah… Can you hold on a second? I just need to ask Jasper something."

"Oh… Yeah, okay. Sure."

She very slowly made her way up the stairs, almost at a human´s pace. It was her face that really caught my attention. Why did she look so tense?

Of course I had no hope of eavesdropping on a couple of vampires, so I let it slide. Maybe Alice and Jasper had gotten into a fight as well. I sure hoped it wasn´t something serious.

But two minutes later, Alice was back and has happy as ever. "Sorry about that. Poor Jasper has been so stressed lately."

"Why is that?"

"Oh… you know how he is. He´s just trying really hard to get a hold on his instincts."

I frowned, "Should I leave?"

"No, no, of course not. I just meant in general."

"Oh…" Then I almost laughed at myself. "It´s so stupid… I thought you guys were fighting or something. I´ll bet you guys never fight."

She seemed surprised. "Well, not now of course, but sure we fight. Who doesn´t?"

"Yeah… I guess you´re right. It´s still hard to imagine. Your relationship seems so… sweet."

She smiled sweetly, in that way only a woman in love can smile. I wondered if I ever looked like that when I thought of Edward. "Yes, it is, but it can be difficult at times. We just learn how to compromise."

Compromise… I guess that´s what Jacob had been getting at before. He wanted to sleep with me but was willing to settle for something else. Was it possible that I was just overreacting to this whole mess? "I hope you don´t mind me asking… What kind of compromises?"

"Oh, the usual. He wants to go to Italy for the summer and I want to go to Greece for the summer, so we split up time so we can do both. That kind of stuff."

Well, not very relatable on my part. "Why do you ask?" Alice asked, "Don´t tell me you´ve been fighting with Jacob."

"Well, no… not really. He was just talking about compromise earlier, so I was curious."

The smile fell from her face, and I could tell by that look in her eye that the wheels in her head were turning, analyzing every move that I made. "How so?"

I gulped, and hoped to God the sound didn´t reach her ears, which wasn´t much to hope for. "Just… stuff, relationship stuff… He can get really intense sometimes."

Definitely the wrong thing to say. I would have bitten off my own tongue if I knew how. Her eyes got a little bigger, "Bella… Now seriously, did something happen today? Did Jacob hurt you?"

Oh crap. That spark in her eye could only mean she was out for blood. I stuttered, "No… maybe… I don´t know. Oh, maybe I´m just being a baby about it."

"Bella, for God´s sake, tell me what happened. You´re scaring me."

I tried to pass it off as nonchalantly as I could muster, "Why are you freaking out about this?"

"How can you even ask me that?" She asked, jumping to her feet. "You call me up late at night, crying on the phone, wanting to hang out. When I find you, you´re scared half to death. Now you´re asking me about compromises and insinuating that something happened with Jacob, who I happen to know can have quite the temper. What do you expect me to think?"

The way she hovered over me, it felt like I was being interrogated, like she knew what I had done and just wanted me to confess. Tears fell from my eyes again and I could see the guilt shroud her face instantly. She sank down next to me and took my hands in hers. "Oh, Bella, please don´t cry. You know I just fear for you. I just don't… Ugh!"

"What?"

She sighed deeply, "I know you probably don´t want to hear it, but I think you should know… I don´t think you should be with him. I don´t like the way he looks at you like you are his property, or how he is making you stay away from us."

"You know about that?"

"Yeah…" She said forlornly, "Edward told me, and I have to admit I´m as pissed off at the situation as you are. You´re my best friend. Why shouldn´t I be able to see you?"

I smiled and pulled her into a hug. "Oh Alice, you know I would never be able to stay away from you for long."

"Yeah, but you agreed to stay away."

"So much for that. I´m right here. There´s no way I could stay away."

She smiled, "I´m glad… But what about Edward?"

Everything always came back to him, it seemed, and my heart ached at the reminder of that morning. "It´s just as well I don´t see him anymore."

"Don´t say that, Bella. He was really upset."

"I know, I know. He´s been great, really. It´s just hard to be on friendly terms with him after breaking up. I was a fool to think we could somehow be friends."

Alice rubbed my back. "You know you mean a lot to him, right? Your friendship is very important to him and I think it just kills him sometimes to think that you don´t know that."

I turned and looked at her in the eyes. All the walls I had put up around myself were crumbling right before her, and I couldn´t keep my mouth shut as the tears fell. "You know I still love him, don´t you?"

Without hesitation, she nodded, and then I dissolved into sobs. She held me tight and let me cry to my heart´s content. All the past months of loneliness and heartache just fell out of me like that. Ever since that September, I had been hiding this pain from everyone I knew, trying to make believe that the feelings would just vanish. Turns out there were inside me the whole time.

From every inch of me, there emerged all the pain and confusion that had built up in me, not only in the past day, or even the past month, but ever since that moment where Edward left me alone in the forest, promising to never see me again. All the hatred, love, frustration, longing, desperation and lost hope poured from me, through every pore in my body and onto her fashion designer clothes.

Still I knew, in spite of this comfort, that these weren´t the arms I needed most.

To be continued…

Probably biggest delay of my life. Who would have thought that as soon as I think things are going to get easier, they get exponentially harder? Well, I´m into my second year of my Master´s degree program, which is going to be the hardest year of my professional life, probably, so maybe I shouldn´t be so surprised. Anyways, sorry for the delay.

I know this chapter was rather intense. It was intense for me to write as well. I needed something else to torture poor Bella and this was the best way I could think of to help move the story along. On top of that, I´ve always had a problem with Bella´s character in the real stories, being totally accepting of anyone that tried to manipulate her, especially Jacob, so a good part of how I treat her these days is based on how I envision her total irrational behavior with men.

So I bet you´re wondering what happened to Edward. Next chapter! Let´s see how fast I can get it out this time! Stay tuned and please review to remind me to write!