AN: "Tasers are the SnackWell's of weapons. All the satisfaction of shooting someone and none of the guilt." Oh, Stephen, is there nothing your wisdom cannot teach us?

*

The doctor double-checked Sara while she slept. He assured Olivia that she had not pulled stitches or otherwise aggravated her injuries. He also assured that the medication she had received would keep Sara out for several hours. And, since the sun had finished its descent, he insisted that she leave the hospital. Get some real sleep, he had suggested with a sympathetic smile.

Olivia had been resistant, but the doctor was equally firm in his decision.

While she did go home, she already knew that sleep would be bust. She had managed to get a few hours at the hospital. It had even been real sleep, uninterrupted until Sara ripped her out of it with her gut wrenching scream. The adrenaline was still lingering in her system and she wouldn't be able to lay down for quite some time. When she did manage to get herself into bed, she never quite got so far as closing her eyes.

Before she knew it Sunday had come. Olivia didn't rush. She just kept on laying there for a while, even though she had spent the entire night doing just that. Her muscles were limp and she felt no compulsion to force them into action. Rest, that was all she wanted. To forget everything that had occurred long enough to have a real night's sleep.

Olivia got up, conflicted with her decision. She couldn't help that it felt like an admission of failure. It always did, even if she knew better. Her life had been a practice of strength and independence. As a child there were precious few people she could trust with any of the things she considered important. And then when she decided to go to the academy, she knew that you had to prove yourself or no one would take you seriously. Something that had become equated to not asking for help from anyone about anything.

Dressed, and she actually remembered her phone this time, Olivia left her building and got into her car. She drove to Queens hoping to God that she wasn't interrupting anything. Also hoping that Elliot wasn't sleeping in, it was only nine o'clock after all. It was a testament to her desperation that all these worries didn't turn her right back around.

She stood outside on the front porch, wishing she could peek in and find some signs of life. Of course all the curtains were drawn and she could hear nothing definitive. Olivia sighed, because she didn't come all this way to change her mind now.

Taking a breath, she knocked. While she waited she wrapped her arms around her chest and let her eyes wander across the neighborhood. Embarrassment was translating into nervous energy. Olivia was shifting from foot to foot when she heard someone on the other side of the door.

The door opened, and Kathy stood there in a robe. She smiled. "Olivia, hi."

"Hi, Kathy," Olivia stammered. For some reason she hadn't expected her to be the one to open the door. She had hoped for Elliot, because with him she wouldn't have to explain herself. Hell, he'd probably take one look at her and know instantly.

But maybe Kathy knew more about the situation than Olivia expected. Her look was sympathetic. "Come on in, we're actually in the middle of breakfast. Plenty if you're hungry."

Or maybe Olivia just looked as crappy as she felt. Her will was faltering. "Oh, no, I don't want to intrude. Actually, I'm not even sure what I was thinking."

"Olivia," Elliot called. She had started to turn, but stopped at his voice. Olivia couldn't quite look him in the eyes. His tone was soft, but she knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Come on in."

Outnumbered, she stepped inside. She kicked off her shoes and hung up her jacket.

"How do you want your eggs?" Kathy asked. One brow raised, daring Olivia to argue. A look that was no doubt honed to near perfection through years of parenting.

"Um, scrambled's fine."

She followed them into the kitchen. A third place was set, the plate half empty, but she noticed no signs of the kids other than Eli.

Elliot noticed her confused look. "You just missed Dickie."

"I thought he didn't want to be called that anymore," Olivia replied.

Elliot shrugged. "Just don't tell him I said it."

Eli squealed in delight at her presence, Cheerios spilling all over as he banged on his high chair. She couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He babbled on in a language Olivia had never understood. It was her firm belief that only parents could hope to translate for their babies. And she wasn't convinced that they didn't make it up half the time. She kneeled beside his chair.

"Hey there buddy. Got something for me?"

Olivia held up a hand and he slapped it with both of his pudgy fists. Something resembling 'high five' came out of his mouth as he dissolved into a fit of giggles. She ignored the sticky residue Eli left on her palm.

Kathy slid the cooked egg onto a plate and handed it to Olivia. Elliot slid over what was left of the bacon and she took a couple strips. All the while Olivia thought she really had to stop this habit of needing other people to feed her. Of course breakfast had not been forefront in her mind that morning.

While they ate Elliot and Kathy related stories about the kids. Dickie's new girlfriend. Lizzie's on-again-off-again boyfriend, who was currently on-again. Kathleen was thriving. Maureen didn't drop by enough for their liking. And Eli was turning into quite the little terror. Kathy didn't know how she was going to keep up with him for much longer.

Apparently it wasn't the first time she had called Eli that. He started repeating 'little terror' in his baby speak and caused more Cheerios to fly. The reaction made everyone laugh.

The light conversation did wonders. Olivia needed a good laugh. It eased her nerves, making it so much easier to sit and breathe. When everyone was finished eating Elliot took her to the living room while Kathy cleaned up Eli. She sunk into the couch gratefully while Elliot sat in an adjacent chair.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" he asked.

"Some." An hour or two here and there probably didn't count. So, really, she was screwed.

He nodded as though he read her thoughts.

And the fact that he probably did on some level had Olivia amending her answer. "I thought seeing Sara conscious would let my mind shut down for a little while. But when she did really wake up she had a flashback, completely freaked. And after they made me leave. I couldn't sleep after that."

"You're gonna run yourself into the ground."

Olivia sighed. "I know. I just hate to think that..." I could have prevented it, she continued in her head. Out loud her words were more cautious. "that it didn't have to go like it did."

Elliot shook his head. "It wasn't your fault."

"I could have done something different," she blurted automatically. The words were a little louder than they needed to be, and her face colored as she looked in the direction Kathy had pulled Eli. Elliot wasn't concerned by her outburst.

"Done what, exactly?"

"I don't know. That's the problem."

"I was there too, remember. There was nothing else to be done."

Olivia replied bitterly. "You should know. At least you were calm."

Elliot laughed, finding her remark absurd. The suddenness of it made her jump. "Calm? We chased down a bastard sick enough to use his own kid as a shield. There is nothing calm about that."

"I guess not..."

"And anyone that can go into that with a completely level head, I wouldn't want to work with them. The only way you can be unaffected is if at the end of the day the outcome doesn't matter," Elliot said with all sincerity. "You need to give yourself a break on that. We did the best we could."

Olivia nodded weakly. She knew he was right and his logic was sound. It just wasn't that easy to put it behind her though. That would take time. But hearing it so unequivocally went a long ways to that end.

"Maybe you should call Cragen, ask for a few more days off," he suggested.

"No," Olivia replied. "I need something to do. I'm already driving myself crazy at home."

She knew Elliot could understand that. They both had a penchant for needing to work through stressful situations. If nothing else, she could feel useful.

As they continued to talk, Olivia barely noticed her eyelids starting to droop.