A/N: I had intended for this to be a one-shot, but after the response I got, I couldn't help writing some more. I decided against doing another Twilight one, because once Midnight Sun comes out, I would feel completely inadequate in comparison ;-) So, I continued into New Moon. This takes place at the beginning of the book. I'll probably write one more from this section, Edward's point of view during chapter three, then one more chapter from one of my favorite scenes in Eclipse. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, I just have fun with them from time to time!
"You read my eyes just like your diary
Please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
I don't want to hurt you…
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you…"
"Your Winter"
Sister Hazel
"Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks…"
I let my recitation of Romeo's final scene trail off into silence at these lines. I looked next to me and I saw that Bella's eyes were brimming with tears, anticipating the tragic end of the star-crossed lovers. I smiled to myself as I took a moment to give her shoulder a soft squeeze. I heard her heart rate accelerate at the increased contact, and I watched a lovely blush spread across her cheeks as she acknowledged me out of the corner of her eye. Of the countless things I adored about Bella, her ability to blush, and my ability to make her do so, certainly land high on the list.
These were the moments when I could forget about danger, when I could forget about the constant war raging within myself. The afternoons spent in her living room, simply being together and enjoying each other, whether with animated banter or, like this afternoon, comfortable silence.
I had long since memorized the majority of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and therefore could afford to ignore the movie and focus solely on Bella's reactions for the entire afternoon. She knew the play well, too, but that did not make her immune to its poignant message of ill-fated love and unfortunate circumstance.
While I could revel in the simplicity of this afternoon, I also remembered that it was a special day for Bella—her eighteenth birthday. I felt a small twinge of sadness when I realized that she had reached an age that I never could—but the twinge passed as quickly as it came. I have had nearly a century to process my eternal age, and I would rather focus on Bella's happiness than dwell on my own fate.
A fate that she wishes for herself.
Before my mind could wander further, I noticde tears streaming down Bella's face—Juliet had wakened to find her husband dead beside her. I reached up and gingerly wiped away her tears with her hair, noting that I found myself envious of Romeo at this scene.
Bella, in the annoying way she does, thought I was commenting on Juliet's beauty. I could not hold back my snort as I clarified—I was not envious of the girl, rather the ease in which he took his own life. Her reaction to my statement opened up a steady stream of words I never meant to tell her—that is Bella's power over me. I could not resist her last year, and I could not today. I always tell her more than I should, letting her into a world in which she should be running from rather than running to.
I revealed to her the existence of the Volturi, and their ability to take away a vampire's life should he or she provoke them. With each sentence, I cursed myself inwardly for my indiscretion. As I told the story, I saw Bella's eyes widen with horror—once again, I had to keep my true emotions in check. Images of Bella laying on the wooden floor in the ballet studio, in a pool of her own blood…of her in the hospital, barely able to open her eyes after the ordeal that she went through…images race through my head at an alarming rate, caused my stomach to twist in a painful way that can only be construed as guilt.
I had every reason to think about the Volturi six months ago. I had wandered the earth without emotion for so long, and when I found Bella I knew that my existence would be changed forever. I quickly discovered that I couldn't live without her. During those fleeting hours when I thought I might lose her, my mind went to the only possible choice—if I lost her, then my existence would no longer mean anything, and therefore I would have no reason to go on.
Suddenly, a warmth that I could not produce on my own grabbed both sides of my face and brought me out of my thoughts and back to reality. Bella's brown eyes were pleading and desperate, and I could not make myself look away.
"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"
"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point," I countered. I swore to myself for the thousandth time that I would keep my word. I had done enough damage to Bella's precious life in the past year, and I'd be damned if I let anyone so much as harm a hair on her head.
As I have done ever since I made the decision to be selfish and keep Bella for my own, I pushed the reality of danger to the back of my mind. Even though I may not put her in danger purposefully, my mere existence and her proximity to that existence automatically put her there. No matter how much I try to make excuses for myself, the constant struggle exists.
As we bantered back and forth, arguing our own reasons for refusing to live without each other, I heard Charlie's car down the street Just as I was about to explain again to Bella why I could not go on without her, I forced myself to pull away from her. It would not do for us to be in such close proximity when her father walked in. She seemed startled by my abrupt shift in posture, but quickly understood. I could not help but smile. As we heard the car pull to a stop in the driveway, Bella suddenly grabbed my hand, uneager to break physical contact with me.
I passed on Charlie's dinner invitation, and immediately began what I knew had the potential to turn into a battle—dragging Bella out of the house and to my family's house, where she would be forced to endure a party that she made perfectly clear was unwelcome.
I knew Bella's consternation for her birthday spawned from her reluctance to age while I could not, yet I also knew that this would not be the only birthday I would watch her celebrate, especially if I had my way. If all goes according to plan, Bella will never have to endure what I must endure—no matter how appealing she may think it is.
"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked as they finished their dinner. I saw Bella look to her father hopefully—for an excuse to get out of the party, no doubt. But I knew what Charlie was thinking and Bella did not. He wanted to watch the Mariners and the Sox play ball, and he said as much before throwing Bella her new camera, obviously forgetting her clumsiness. I reached out and caught it before it could hit the floor, and Charlie praised my quick reflexes. I shrugged, knowing all too well how speedy I could react, and handed the camera to Bella, agreeing that she should make use of it at the party.
Suddenly, the camera was in my face and Bella was snapping a picture of me.
"It works," she affirmed, before flashing an impish smile in my direction. I smiled back, happy that she was being agreeable, no matter how much she was dreading the party. After a few parting words with Charlie, I quickly ushered her out the door and to her beat up red truck. As I drove, I made another off-handed comment on how much she would like a sports car….and, as usual, she turned my idea down without a second thought.
"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."
"Not a dime," I replied honestly.
"Good."
"Can you do me a favor?" I asked politely.
"That depends on what it is."
Always difficult, my Bella. I told her that the last real birthday celebration we had was decades ago, and to cut my family from slack. She seemed surprised at my request, but agreed to be on her best behavior, for which I was grateful. Unfortunately, I then had to break the news that the entire family would be there, including Rosalie—whom Bella knew was not her biggest fan. I then assured her that Rosalie would be on her best behavior, and Bella appeared to be pacified for the time being.
"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" I already had a present for her, but if she was going to be receptive of anything else, there was nothing I wouldn't give her.
"You know what I want," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Except that. I couldn't help but frown as I forcefully said "Not tonight, Bella. Please."
"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want," she countered. I could not hold back my growl as I swore to her that this would not be her last birthday. When she complained like a child that it wasn't fair, I bit my tongue to keep from saying something I would regret.
As we pulled up to the house, I saw that Alice had gone above and beyond for this birthday party, and Bella moaned in disapproval. I wanted to warn her again to behave, but I did not feel like arguing again. I took a deep breath and calmly asked her to be a good port, and she agreed. I took her hand and led her to the door.
"I have a question," she began. I turned to her warily, worried about what the question may be. "If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?"
Once again, she never ceases to surprise me. I barked out a loud laugh and walked her through the door. She was as gracious as she could be as my family ushered her in and began to shower her with much unwanted attention. She accepted the car stereo with good humor, calling out to thank Emmett, who had snuck out to install it before she could resist.
"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice squealed, unable to contain her excitement. Bella whirled on me, venom in her tone.
"You promised."
Before I could respond and defend myself, Emmett came back in to watch. "I didn't spend a dime," I told her. I could not keep myself from brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, and I smiled as she responded to my soft touch. She realized she could not argue, and asked Alice to hand her the package. She began to unwrap it slowly, prying under the edge of paper.
Simultaneously, I heard her mutter "Shoot," and the scent of fresh blood unleashed itself, permeating the entire room. She had given herself a paper cut, and the scenario of my worst nightmare began to unfold around me. Without even giving myself enough time to react to the strength of her blood's call to me, I leapt towards her, knocking over the table holding the cake and flatware in the process.
"NO!" I roared, seeing Jasper's eyes glow a dark crimson. I slammed myself into Bella, shielding her from Jasper's advance. I held him back as Emmett pried him off me. As I lay there, protecting the person I loved the most in this world, I realized that her scent was too much for me. I went against my instinct and stopped breathing. I suddenly noticed that in addition to the small paper cut, the broken glass from the shattered plates had sliced her arm from wrist to elbow. I turned away quickly, unable to watch every heart beat force more blood onto her pale skin. Once I knew that Jasper was restrained, I loosened my hold on her, slowly getting up to allow her to turn over. She looked dazed as she realized she had a new injury, and then looked up. I saw her eyes go wide with horror as we all forced ourselves to keep our monstrous instincts in check.
As Rosalie and Emmett took Jasper outside, I placed myself between Bella and the rest of my family. I would not let them near her when they were so clearly tempted. I vaguely heard Esme apologize to Bella, and then Carlisle told me to let him pass. Once I came back to my right mind, I knew that Carlisle was well in control of his instincts and I let him pass. Carlisle decided to take Bella to the kitchen so that he could stitch up her arm, and I picked her up without a thought in my head, carrying her from the horrific scene. My face stayed still as stone as I watched Carlisle prepare to clean Bella's open wound. I insisted that I could handle the blood, though I was barely in control of myself. I knew that my eyes betrayed my words; I knew that Bella could see how difficult it was for me to fight my thirst for her—the thirst that was much more intense for me than any other in the house.
Carlisle and Bella both practically ejected me from the room, asking me to go find Jasper. I did not want to leave Bella for an instant, but I also knew that I was not doing her any good, nor was I doing myself any good. I dashed out the door, loathing myself more than I had in my entire existence.
I did not go looking for Jasper; I knew that Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice could see to him. Instead, I ran out the back door and into the yard, letting out a low, guttural roar that shook the trees around me. This, I berated myself, this was why I should not have gotten so involved. My horrible, stupid, selfish nature knew that I was putting Bella in danger every single day she was around me. I knew that I could control my thirst, but only just. I could not speak for the rest of my family. I definitely could not speak for the rest of my kind. I knew this was a possibility, and yet I allowed myself to stay close to her. I could not help myself, I thought of only myself—I loved Bella, I wanted her, and I kept her. I kept her and she could have been killed right in front of me tonight.
I hated myself. I knew that she was going to be fine, but who's to say that it could happen again? What if she had simply been visiting and I had been out on a hunt somewhere? Her proximity, her comfort to my situation, my very existence, placed her in danger every minute. No matter how much I tried to stress that to her, she still stayed. For some unknowable reason, she loved me just as much as I loved her.
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a small voice told me that I knew what I should do. But I could not bring myself to form the voice's words into coherent thought. I was still too selfish. I could never, ever leave her. It would destroy me, just as I am sure it would destroy her. We were destined to be together. Unfortunately, that destiny caused her pain; if I could help it, Bella should never have to feel an ounce of pain in her life.
Her life. Her precious life. She wanted to be just like me, a monster just like me…and she was willing to give up her life for that. To be with me for eternity. I could not lie to myself; I wanted her with me. Part of me wanted to change her myself, to make her mine. But a larger part knew that that was not possible. I could not, would not, change her. She deserved so much better than me; a life that I could never give her.
Before I could wallow any longer, I became aware that Bella's stitches were done. I made my way back into the house, overhearing Carlisle offer to take her home. I quickly composed my face, put my emotions in check, and sighed.
"I'll do that," I said, walking into the room.
"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, looking down at her shirt, which was caked in blood and icing. I felt my insides twist at her concern for me, her evident love for me. She recognized that the situation would upset me, would be hard for me, and she did not wish to make it any harder on me than necessary. Her selflessness distressed me even further. How could she be so incredibly understanding while I was so monstrous? It was hardly fair…
"I'm fine," I insisted hollowly. I knew that I had to keep her from sensing just how tormented I felt, which meant dispelling all emotion from my voice. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I stepped out of the room, knowing that I was about to lose my careful composure. I walked outside, telling Alice that Bella needed a change of clothes before she went home, but Alice was already a step ahead. I saw Rosalie waiting for Jasper's return—he undoubtedly had run to go hunt with Emmett to satiate his thirst. Alice stood up as I approached and looked at me, sympathy etched across her delicate features. I felt her tiny hand touch my arm tenderly.
"It's all right, Edward. Bella is fine. Please, stop torturing yourself…" she begged wordlessly.
I did not answer; I simply took a deep breath and placed my hand on her back, guiding her back through the kitchen door. I watched as she guided Bella up the stairs, and I waited in silence for them to return. I stood by the front door and watched them slowly descend the stairs, Bella's face pale with trepidation. I wished yet again that I could read her thoughts. Alice grabbed Bella's presents and I led her out the door without a word. I could hear trails of Carlisle's and Esme's concerned thoughts as we left.
"I hope he's all right…."
"I don't like that look upon his face…I wonder what he is planning to do…He is always so hard on himself."
I tuned them out as Bella and I rushed to the truck, both eager to leave the night behind us. I helped her into the car, noticing her shoving the bright red ribbon from the stereo under her seat as I climbed in. I sped down the road in silence, afraid of voicing my thoughts aloud.
"Say something," she pleaded softly.
"What do you want me to say?" I asked warily. I could not bring emotion into my voice, it would only expose me. I knew that if she confirmed that I was angry with myself, that I was disgusted with myself, she would berate me for it, and I did not want to argue with her. I did not have the energy for it.
"Tell me you forgive me."
I had to make a significant effort to keep from swerving. Me forgive her? There it was again, that awful selflessness. She was taking the blame on herself. She was blaming herself for something that could not be helped—for the call of her blood, for loving me, for making my life harder than necessary…but since I could not know exactly what she meant, I was reduced to asking yet again.
"Forgive you? For what?"
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."
"Bella, you have yourself a paper cut," I croaked out incredulously. "That hardly deserves the death penalty."
"It's still my fault."
There it was, that awful word: fault. Just as I feared, she believed it to be her fault when the fault clearly lay with me. Before I came into her life, she never had to worry about bloodthirsty vampires savoring her scent. Now that she was immersed in our world, she was taking the blame? Unacceptable. I could not stop the words from flowing out of my mouth, explaining to her just how wrong it was to blame herself. I mentioned that Mike Newton would be much better for her, much safer for her—a thought that had crossed my mind months before.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she asserted. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." Once again, that was not what I wanted to hear. I did not want her to speak of her own death at all.
"Don't be melodramatic, please."
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she retorted. I kept my emotions hidden, unable to continue the conversation. Just as I had feared, everything was crumbling around me. There was no way we could keep this up. I could not put her in danger and then listen to her take the blame. I would go insane with guilt, and she could end up exactly as she wanted—dead without me or a monster like me.
She asked me if I was going to stay the night, and I hesitated. She wanted to comfort me, I could tell. She wanted to make things all right—I knew that my detached reactions were unnerving her. After a short banter about her birthday, I agreed to stay with her. Against my better judgment, I sighed and wished her one last happy birthday. I could not resist bending down to kiss her, and I let her hold my lips a bit longer than usual. Her kiss calmed me momentarily, and when I finally broke it, I was able to give her a relatively genuine smile before disappearing to her bedroom window.
As I waited for her to take her 'human minutes', I sat on the bed with her presents in tow. I picked up the present that Alice had helped me make for her: a CD of all of my compositions, beginning with her very own lullaby. I sighed sorrowfully; being left alone to my thoughts was proving to be dangerous. I knew that I should stop torturing myself as Alice begged, but I could not. I knew what I had to do…and if by some crazy miracle I had not already lost my soul, I knew that my decision would certainly rip it from me. Bella was my life, my soul. If I left her…I would leave a part of myself. Before I could begin to work through the mechanics of my decision, Bella appeared. She looked incredibly beautiful in her pajamas, and I could smell the cucumber from her face wash. As I looked at her, my eye traveled down her arm to the long strip of gauze that covered her stitches. I felt another internal twist of guilt.
"Hi," I said sadly.
"Hi," she replied, pushing her present out of my hand and cuddling up under my arm. "Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I mused. She had wanted to pretend her birthday did not exist all day long, and here she was begging for presents like any normal human.
"You made me curious," she answered. I could tell that she was overcompensating to lighten the mood. She was trying to distract me, and I was not sure it was going to work. However, I obliged and opened one of the gifts for her, wary of a repeat incident.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said under her breath as I handed the box back to her. I saw her eyes rake over the plane tickets, and I saw them light up with understanding.
"We're going to Jacksonville?"
"That's the idea," I replied. I smiled despite my mood; she looked genuinely excited.
"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Once again, always thinking of me. I surely do not deserve her.
"I think I can handle it," I replied, then frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."
"Well, of course it's too much," she conceded. "But I get to take you with me!"
I could not stop my soft laughter. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."
I saw her reach for the next gift and I took it from her, opening it again. I handed the CD back to her and waited for her reaction.
"What is it?" she asked.
I took it back from her and placed it in the stereo, pressing play. I waited again. As the soft melody that she inspired began to fill the room, I saw her eyes well up with tears. I immediately jumped to the worst scenario.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked.
"No, it's not my arm," she replied. "It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She stopped talking then, and continued to listen to the music.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I stated. It was the truth.
"You're right," she agreed.
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine," she said, but I saw a small wince of pain cross her features. She could not fool me.
"I'll get you some Tylenol." Despite her protests, I pushed her softly off me and rushed down the stairs, assuring her that I would not get caught. After getting two pills and some water, I flashed back into her room. She took the pills without complaint, and we sat in silence for a few more moments.
"It's late," I said, noticing the clock. I blithely picked her up from the bed and arranged the pillows and sheets for her. After tucking her into her quilt, I lay down next to her and wrapped my arm around her.
I did not know how much longer I could go before I took action, and I decided then and there that if this was our last night together, I would make it worth it.
"Thanks again," she whispered to me.
"You're welcome," I said simply. Once again, she had no reason to thank me, no reason to love me, and yet she did. We lay in silence, and I began to brood about my options.
What we were doing felt so right, and yet, simultaneously, it was completely wrong. I could not keep doing this to her, and I knew it. I had ignored it for nearly a year, but I couldn't any longer. However, making that decision final was incredibly difficult because she felt so right in my arms. Her love for me was wrong; I had always known that it was wrong—but I had given up that argument last winter. I could not give that up now that I had seen what danger could come of our relationship. It was bad enough when James nearly killed her last spring. It was even worse now because it was a member of my own family that had lost control….I did not want to leave her, but I did not want to put her in danger any longer. I had been far too concerned with my own wants and needs over the past year. It was time to put her safety first—truly, truly first.
"What are you thinking about?" she questioned.
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually," I stated hesitantly.
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked, her words coming out in a rush. I could tell that she was trying to get my mind off things. I wondered if she knew the direction my thoughts were taking me.
"Yes," I said softly, warily.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
I smiled in spite of myself yet again. "You're greedy tonight."
"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do."
I laughed and then gave in. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, nearly suffocating in the implication and double-entendre. I placed my hand under her chin and complied with her request.
I felt her heart jump beneath me, still reacting as strongly to my touch as ever. She certainly would not make this easy on me. Here I was, debating how I could make myself leave her, separate myself from her to keep her safe, and here she was—just as in love with me as ever. While I was as much in love with her as ever, as well. The pain was tangible in my chest as I realized that I did not know if I would ever be like this with her again. I did not know if I would ever kiss her again.
With that thought, I made the decision that this would be our last kiss. I could not do this quickly, I would have to work up to it, and that would mean slowly taking steps back from Bella over the next few days. Arrangements would have to be made to relocate the entire family. It would be better for her if the entire Cullen family disappeared. I would have to convince her that it was better for her if I left, if I never existed. It would be incredibly difficult to make her believe that it was for the best, and I would resort to telling her I did not love her if it came down to it. That thought sent another ripple of pain through me. It would be the most painful lie I would ever tell.
As these thoughts ran through my head at lightning speed, I decided that I should make this last kiss worth it. I would have to remember it for eternity, so I knew that I would have to make it memorable. I felt myself pull closer to her, twisting my fingers into her hair and holding her lips to mine desperately. I could not imagine letting her go, but I knew it was the right thing to do…it was the only thing to do. Bella's heart skipped a beat as my reactions took her by surprise, but she quickly became attuned to me and she kissed me back with just as much passion. When I finally broke the kiss and pulled my lips away from hers, I thought I could feel a tangible rip within my still heart.
I paused to catch my breath, apologizing for my actions. "Sorry. That was out of line."
"I don't mind," she replied, also trying to regain her composure. I could still hear her heart dancing wildly.
"Try to sleep, Bella," I said sternly.
"No, I want you to kiss me again." I almost obliged, but then remembered my decision. I stopped myself, painfully realizing that I would never kiss her lips again. It was all a memory now. I would have to accept that.
"You're overestimating my self-control," I said, supplying an excuse.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she asked.
"It's a tie," I answered, hoping that she could not hear the emotion in my voice. I flashed her another smile before turning serious once more. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
"Fine," she finally agreed, settling in closer to me. I felt her muscles relax beneath me, and I also noticed her injured arm pressing against my shoulder. Whether or not it was there on purpose, I could not know. I did not know what she was thinking, and for once I was glad not to. If I could hear them, I knew that my resolve would crumble. I knew that she was probably replaying the day in her head, but I also knew that the last ten minutes spent with me would be freshest—she was thinking about me happily and peacefully, her thoughts full of love and devotion. If I had to hear them, I would never be able to do what I knew I must do.
For her own safety, I would have to leave her. As much as it would hurt us both, I knew that it was the only thing to do. Now all that remained was how I could bring myself to do it. As she slept, oblivious in my cold arms, I knew that I would hurt her. But after I hurt her this last time, I would never allow myself to bring her pain again.