So, it's been months, I know. But I started graduate school. I needed to adjust. Here's the New Moon scene I've been promising. So, the story is out of order (I'll probably rearrange the chapters in a few weeks to satisfy my history-major-chronological obsessed self). I have a few more ideas for some more chapters…hopefully they won't take months to write and post!

I don't own anything.

This was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to write, which is another reason it took me so long…

"I'm kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made.

And then I fell down yelling make it go away…

Just make a smile come back and shine, like it used to be…

And then she whispered 'How could you do this to me?' "

~"Hate Me", Blue October

"I'd better get home," I said, standing up from the sofa and stretching a bit out of habit, always aware of the human façade. Charlie grunted a goodbye without taking his eyes from the television, and I heard Bella's knees crack as she stood up from her curled position on the floor. I could tell from her ever-resonating heartbeat that she was tense. She was upset about my behavior, though I could not tell if she was irritated or frightened by it. I prayed for the former—anything to make this painful process seem worth it.

I had been withdrawing from Bella ever since her birthday, preparing her (and myself) for the permanent separation looming on the close horizon. I could not endure another second of having the opportunity to look into her brown eyes and feel my resolve begin to crumble. I had to do this, I repeated to myself. It was for her. It was all for her. I needed to free her so that she could live. I could feel her behind me; hear her stuttering heart beat pounding in my ears. I forced myself to look forward until I reached my car door. Her deep eyes looked up into mine, unassuming and a bit hopeless.

"Will you stay?" she pleaded softly, though she said it like she already knew the answer. My resolve rippled once more, like a reflection in a still pool disturbed by rain. I lost sight of why I was inflicting pain on this beautiful creature in front of me.

"Not tonight," I replied. I could not say more, or she might hear my voice shake. I had to detach myself from her. I had to spare her human heart, her mortal and precious life. I climbed into my car and drove away, leaving her staring after me.

I did come back, though. I waited until I knew she would be asleep, and I crept into her window. It felt like an intrusion, and I recalled the last time I did this without her knowledge, over half a year ago. I had been invited in once I made the selfish decision to stay with her. Now I was forcing myself to be selfless. Give her up for her own good. I felt a tangible rip in my still heart as I watched her toss and turn fitfully. Bella knew. She had to know that something was coming. I could only hope that it would help her move on faster.

The next day at school I walked silently next to her, never actually looking into her eyes. I could not take much more of this. Knowing that I would hurt her, knowing that I would leave half of myself with her felt like it could kill me. As if I were as human as she. In English class, she seemed lost in her thoughts, her heart still pounding erratically.

"Bella, what do you think?" Mr. Berty asked. "How do you think Lady Capulet felt, watching her daughter fight for her right to refuse the arranged marriage with Paris?" Bella continued to stare into space, unaware that he had addressed her.

"Bella?"

I lightly touched her arm and got her attention. "She felt horrible, knowing that her daughter would be unhappy. But Lady Capulet still felt that the decision was for the best. For everyone." Bella snapped her head up and repeated my words to Mr. Berty before casting me a quick, thankful look. He nodded, surprised by her answer, and moved on.

I felt as though my head would explode at the double-entendre of the question and answer. For the best. It will be for the best. She will move on, survive and live the way she was meant to. Meet someone who could be with her the way she deserved.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, still avoiding her eyes. We sat at the lunch table and Bella awkwardly brought out her camera for the students to pass around. Rather than distract her like I thought it would, she continued to pick at her food, casting glances in my direction every so often. All I could do was stare into the blank space ahead and prepare myself for the eternity of misery that I knew I deserved. I walked her to her car and said a quick goodbye. I knew she had to work at Newton's, and I was thankful for the excuse to be away from her. While part of me wanted to spend every precious second I had left with her—willing her to know how much I loved her—I knew that this was necessary. As I watched her drive away from me, I shook my head in disgust at my actions.

I felt like such a high-schooler. The typical "treat her badly so she gets mad enough to break it off first" treatment felt so beneath me. But, I reminded myself, that is the place Bella is in right now. She is not over one hundred years old, she has not seen the fluctuation of relationships has I have. She is still a high schooler, and things like this happen to teenagers in high school. While my love for her would never change, never falter; hers could. I felt wretched from taking that decision away from her, but I knew that she would never make it herself. She loved me, with her whole heart, and I knew she would not let me go easily. I had to treat her this way so that she could let go. A clean break. Contrary to popular belief, ripping the band-aid off appeared to hurt more than slowly pulling it off, centimeter by centimeter. All these hours of distance would help her in the end. It would not be such a shocking blow.

I went back to her house that night. I had not contacted her all afternoon, and when I went to her window, I was shocked to see her light still on. With another stab of guilt, I realized that she was waiting up for me. I perched in a tree branch outside her window and watched her idly pass her time for nearly an hour. She was making a scrapbook with the pictures she had taken over the past week. I saw her pick up a photograph and suck in a sharp breath. I watched as her eyes glazed over with a painful, yet adoring look. Suddenly, her face looked dejected and I saw her shake her head sadly, folding the picture in half before placing it into the book. The angle of the album prevented me from seeing the photo, though I had a good idea what she was doing. This beautiful and unassuming angel would never see herself clearly.

When she finally finished the album and climbed into bed, I waited until she was asleep before silently climbing into her room. I inhaled deeply, knowing this would be the last time I would ever be in her bedroom. I took everything in slowly, listening to her listless breathing in the background. She stirred and kicked her sheets fitfully, stirring up her intoxicating scent. I exhaled shakily and walked to her bookshelf. The tattered classics that we both loved, the stack of CD's next to her tiny stereo…

Suddenly, I knew something must be done. I had to take back things that would remind her of me so that she could move on more easily. I needed to make her room as undisturbed as it had been the first night I ever crept through the window. She could not have any reminders of me in her daily life—it needed to be as if I never existed to make this easier for her. She has proven to be such a constant young woman, she would not let go of me if she could hear my music, see my face, or dwell on anything I had left in my wake of destruction upon her fragile life.

I silently popped the top of the stereo open, removing the CD of piano compositions and placing it back into its jewel case. I noticed the airplane tickets, still sitting in their box, on top of the bookshelf. I grabbed those, as well. I placed the confiscated items on her desk by the window, intending to take them with me when I could finally drag myself away from her. Suddenly, I noticed the scrapbook on the edge of her desk, underneath an envelope of reprints for her mother. I grabbed the scrapbook and began to flip through it.

I saw the faces of Bella's classmates, some snapshots of the forest outside, and then…then I saw the pictures of me. One in her kitchen, before the disastrous party. I looked carefree in the photo, smiling at Bella in amusement as she snapped it candidly. I saw a picture of the previous day, watching the television with Charlie. The marked change in my expression shocked even me. My eyes looked glassy, almost as dead as I felt on the inside. I was playing my "part" well, it seemed. My eyes flicked down to the folded photo. I looked stony in it as well…and that was all I could see. She had folded the picture in half and hidden herself from view, just as I suspected. I grimaced and shook my head, peeling the photo out and unfolding it. She was smiling, faintly and nervously. Her arms were locked securely around my waist, as if she thought I would disappear if she were not holding onto me. Even in her distress, she took my breath away. I wished that this gorgeous creature could be with me for eternity, that she was meant for me, but she could not and she was not. I did not deserve her, and I could not bear to put her in danger any longer. I took the three pictures and added them to the pile of memories collecting by the window.

I made my way to the rocking chair in the corner where I had watched her sleep so many nights over the past months. I stared at her as she squinted and grimaced in her sleep, shaking her head back and forth in the midst of her dreams.

"No…Edward, please…" she mumbled, and her arm reached out towards a me that existed in her mind. An image of me that did not exist, not as she saw it. She gave me too much credit, loved me too much, saw me as something that I could never be for her. While she did not see herself for the amazing and perfect being she was, I could not see myself as the amazing and perfect being she perceived me to be. I was far from it.

As the dawn broke, I crept to the window and gathered the things that I had given her only days before, along with the photographs. As I took one step onto the ledge, however, I had a sudden flash of selfishness. One more, for measure, I suppose. I wanted to leave a piece of me with her. Not to visually torment her—hidden from her, but so that a part of me would still be there, still be present in her perfect existence. I stepped over to a nearby creaky board in her floor, and placed the items beneath it. She would never think to look there, and I would never have to tell her. I watched her begin to stir from her fitful slumber, and leapt out the window before she opened her eyes. Today was the day.

The school day passed uneventfully. I wanted time to speed up and stop simultaneously. I could not begin to fathom the Herculean task that lay ahead of me, yet I wanted to free her from me as soon as I possibly could. The house had been emptied, my family was gone, and there was nothing left for me in Forks. Nothing but the sole reason for my existence. As I waited for Bella to exit her last class, my cell phone began to vibrate in my back pocket.

"What do you want, Alice?" I snapped. I knew she was still livid with me for my decision, but I could not bear to hear her laments any more. It may make me change my mind, and I knew I could not do that. I had no choice but to go against my selfish nature. To protect Bella.

It's for the best. It's the best thing for her. It's the only way, I chanted the words to myself again.

"Edward, you and I both know this is ridiculous. You cannot do this. You cannot take me away from my best friend; you cannot take us away from part of our family, Edward. You love her and she loves you. She's meant to be with you forever. For eternity. She wants to be with you. Neither of you deserve this." Her voice broke at the end.

"Alice, you cannot change my mind. I'll call you when I'm ready. I don't know when that will be. Like I told Esme and Carlisle, I'll check in." Now it was time for my voice to crack as I remembered my mother's heartbroken expression as I told her my plan. I shook my head to try to erase the memory. Like I could forget anything.

"Edward, please—" I snapped the phone shut. I could not handle this. I had to keep my composure today. I could not lose it, even for an instant. She would see right through it and demand the truth—and I could never deny her anything she demanded. She would know how much I ached for her, how much I loved her. And, hopefully, one day she would realize that I was doing this for her.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I said brusquely as I walked her to her car after school.

"Of course not," she replied, looking up at me with surprise behind her eyes.

"Now?"

"Sure, I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I reached across her and snatched the envelope from her passenger seat. I could already feel my resolve crumbling around me. I needed a few more minutes to shut my emotions down and pack them away.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I smiled at her, straining to get my lips curved up. It almost caused me physical pain.

"Okay"

I drove to the nearest mailbox and made it to Bella's house a good five minutes before I heard her truck rumbling around the corner. I parked in Charlie's spot, knowing full well that I would not be here long. I could not drag this out any longer—though I deserved this torture, she did not. I knew I could not do this in a house full of her, full of memories, full of her scent, so I raced into the small kitchen and scratched Charlie a note in a perfect match of Bella's handwriting in case he came home early. I was back in my front seat before she pulled in.

I could see the resolve and trepidation in her eyes as she parked her car, noting my unconventional parking space. She knew that the next conversation we would have would be important. Life-changing. It would send us off one edge or the other. Her heart began to fly as she closed her door and I reached for her backpack.

I tossed her bag back into her car, having decided that the woods would be the best place.

"Come for a walk with me," I more or less demanded, reaching for her hand. I made my voice devoid of all emotion. Bricks began stacking around my heart with each step. The mortar packed between each brick was thicker and more solid than the skin surrounding my body. I walked us into the edge of the woods, just beyond her yard.

"Okay, let's talk," she conceded. She was trying to sound resolved and brave. She had an agenda as well, it seemed. I could put this off no longer.

I inhaled deeply, her scent lighting my throat on fire. Another layer of cement. Another brick.

"Bella, we're leaving," I stated bluntly. I saw a look of shock pass across her features, then consigned realization.

"Why now? Another year—" she began, but I cut her off. I had spent the past hours preparing a counterattack to any excuse she would be sure to give. I had to be rough, though I hated seeming cruel to her. But she had to see me for the monster I was.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She looked at me, now extremely confused. This confused me for a moment, but I felt another layer of mortar and brick build around my heart and I removed the emotion from my eyes. I then saw a revelation in her eyes, and she looked as though she may be sick. I felt a stab through the cracks of my resolve.

"When you say 'we'…" she whispered weakly. I realized she had thought I meant she was coming with me. My God, I do not deserve this woman. She would follow me anywhere, even through all the danger I put her through. She still wanted me. This was going to be excruciating. I had to escalate my cruel tactics. I hated myself, despised myself even more for that. Another brick.

"I mean my family and myself," I said in a clipped, condescending tone.

She shook her head slowly, her eyes glazing over. She was silent for a few moments, digesting my words.

"Okay. I'll come with you," she insisted.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you." Brick.

"Where you are is the right place for me," she argued.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." The words cut through me, because I knew their inevitable and incontrovertible truth. As much as I wanted to be with her, as much as I loved her, I couldn't keep her in danger.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Though she tried to sound angry and determined, I could hear the tiniest bit of desperation leak into her words. Disgusted with myself, I kept going.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—That was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" No, Bella. It was everything. If one of my own family members could do that…it was only a matter of time. We could no longer escape the monsters we were meant to be—myself especially.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay…" Another expected comeback. Another brick.

"…as long as that was best for you," I completed her sentence. I pictured her in the hospital, broken within an inch of her life. Broken by my presence. Clearly, I was no longer best for her.

"NO! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She sounded like a kitten trying to be a tiger, an endearing quality that made me crumble again. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

She was willing to give me everything she had. Her spotless soul, destined for a Heaven I knew I could never see…she was willing to give it to me. In essence, she believed she already had. The monster within me roared, torn between elation and utter despair. I pushed down the love I felt.

I knew that I was not going to get my message across without outright lying to her. I inhaled deeply and looked at the ground. I quickly finished the brick wall around my ice-cold heart and locked it away. The final blow was saved for the final round. She would not let go unless I told her the furthest thing from the truth.

I opened my mouth and told the biggest lie I had ever told in my existence.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I willed myself to look into her trusting brown eyes and wait for her to digest it. I knew it was a futile thing to do; I knew that she would not believe me. I had told her thousands of times that I could not live without her, that I loved her more than my own existence. There was no way she would actually believe me, but perhaps it would crack her determination enough to irritate her into walking away.

"You…don't…want me?" She said the words slowly, as if they made no sense to her. Just as I predicted. She knew I was lying. She knew how much I loved her. I glared at her.

"No."

And then I saw her eyes completely glaze over. It was as if I was dazzling her, though I could not understand why. Every few moments, her eyes would come back into focus, only to fade out again. The urge to read her mind stabbed like a pickaxe against the brick wall.

"Well, that changes things."

Her eyes went completely dead, just as I had willed my own to die.

She believed me. She truly believed the lie I had just told her. That one word had broken her faith in me entirely. The pain was too much to bear. How could she? How could I bear this?

I looked away into the trees, unable to keep the emotion from my face. This was torture of the blackest kind. I could feel my body shaking, and my next words came out in a torrent- lie upon lie upon lie.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way." In a way that consumes me, thrills me, makes me want to be better, a way that makes me feel alive…

" But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change." I want to be with you but I can't. I want you so badly it eats me up inside.

" Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella." I wish I could be. I'm tired of lying to you, I'm tired of hurting you, I'm tired of not being human for you. Of not being able to kiss you with abandon, spend days in the sun with you, hold you close without breaking you. I'm tired of pretending because I can't be what you need. I can't…I would give my life if I could be human…

I closed my eyes briefly, ensuring that my heart stayed put behind the brick wall it wanted to break free from already. I looked back up into her eyes, feeling the sheer frigidity of my body as if it were the first time.

"I am not human." I said that as much for her as I did for me. I had to remind myself of the monster I was. Her human ears could not hear the break in my voice, for which I was thankful.

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." Truly sorry. Bella…please, don't believe this. Please believe I don't want to do this.

"Don't. Don't do this." Her voice was a barely audible whisper, even to my vampire ears. She was giving up.

This is what I knew needed to happen. She had to move on. She had to believe I didn't love her or else she would never let go. She would never live her life.

I could not, would not, change my mind. My decision had been made. For her. All for her.

"You're not good for me, Bella." Another lie. The final nail in my proverbial coffin. Not good for me. Amazing for me. Existence.

Love, life, meaning…it was all over.

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, mulling over my words.

"If…that's what you want," she said softly. I nodded once, unable to speak.

I knew I could not leave her without knowing she would be safe. I had to make her promise to stay safe. This heartbreak would be pointless if she remained in danger after I left. While I had no right to keep the magnetized danger from her, it could not be inflicted by me, nor by herself. I had to make her promise.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

I felt my face twist into a grimace, knowing that she would do anything for me. She would do anything I asked of her. I felt as if I was taking advantage of her. But I had to make her promise. She had to go on. She had to live.

"Anything," she said, with conviction enough to break through the brick wall for a moment. I felt my face flood with emotion—I could not hold it back. I let my wall down and looked into her brown eyes. Her beautiful, chocolate brown, loving, trusting, and selfless eyes.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I willed the force behind my words to absorb into her mind. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I would hold her to this promise, because it would be the only way I could possibly survive after this moment.

She nodded slowly. The wall went back up. I could not afford to make a mistake now.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." For me. Selfish, monstrous me.

She nodded again, promising. "I will."

I felt my shoulders relax slightly, knowing that my time with my angel was coming to a close. She believed me. She was going to let me leave. But I had to make sure she knew that this was final. That I was sparing her for the rest of her human life. Freeing her to live the life she was meant to enjoy. The life that I could no longer share with her.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

I could see her shaking. Obviously the impact of a teenage human's first "broken heart." While I hated feeling as though I was patronizing her ability to love me, I knew deep inside that a human's heart is a fickle thing. She would move on. She would find someone new. I allowed myself a small smile at this thought. She was going to be fine.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" she questioned, choking up.

"Well—" I started, thrown for a moment. I had done enough lying for the rest of my time on earth."I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." Don't you see, Bella? We are different species, completely different kinds. This could never be, no matter how much I wish it could.

I took a step back from her. My composure was faltering into nonexistence the longer I looked at her, the longer I breathed her in.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back," she mouthed, almost silently, in utter shock.

"No. they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Her face was completely blank with disbelief. She had not thought about this aspect, and once again, I hated myself for that. But it would make her hate me. I had to make her hate me for her own good. She had to see reason.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I'm the bad guy, Bella. Not Alice, not even Jasper. It is all on me. Blame me. Hate me. For both our sakes, please hate me.

Her eyes went in and out of focus again, trying to comprehend the situation. I could stay no longer.

"Goodbye, Bella," I whispered, once again thankful that her human ears could not detect the quiver in my voice, the sob behind my words. I was almost surprised that those human ears could not hear my heart completely shatter behind its brick confines.

"Wait!" she sobbed, reaching out to me. I grabbed her wrists lightly and placed them by her sides.

"Bring on the shackles, I am your prisoner…."

The memory pierced through me like a knife as I brought my lips to her forehead. I inhaled her scent one last time. Freesias and strawberry shampoo. I would always be her prisoner. Always.

"Take care of yourself."

And then I was gone. Running. Running as fast as I could, away from the one safe haven I had been privileged enough to find in my century on earth.