Author's Notes: This chapter was a doozy to write, but I think it's a real turning point for both Heero and Quatre. I'm really excited because there's some stuff coming up in the next few chapters that I've been dying to write since this whole project was first conceived. Thanks, as always, to my reviewers:
Kaeru Shisho: Heero's gears are definitely starting to turn as he becomes more aware of his own feelings and the growing connections he has with the other pilots. I hope you enjoy the transformation that continues to take place for him. He hasn't admitted anything to himself in words, but his actions show how he feels about the people around him. Thanks for always leaving me your feedback. I love sharing my story with someone whose stories I also am a fan of!
snowdragonct: It was really sweet of you to go back and review both chapters - no need to apologize. You know I love hearing from you, but I totally understand hectic life. Mine's been pretty out of control lately too, but I keep chugging along, bit by bit. I think the plot is rather tricky to follow at this point in the series, so I'm trying to focus on mostly the viewpoints of the people I feel are the lead characters in this story. It is their journey I want to explore, after all. I do think Heero and Duo have left pieces of their hearts with each other along the way and I think that will start to show more in the next few chapters.
roninlvr: Glad to hear you're enjoying the story! Thanks for leaving a review.
In the next chapter, we'll finally see what Duo's been up to and watch our dear boys finally start to come together to form a true team.
rapiers, butterflies, & feathers!
Chapter 14 - Two Points for Honesty (Episode 31, 33, 34)
o/ If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind /o
"Heero…"
Relena thought that he looked exactly the same as the last time she'd seen him. Same shaggy hair, same intense expression, same outfit – does he even own any other clothes? She bit her lip to contain the laugh that threatened to escape, straightening up as he came slowly down the stairs.
"Relena." Heero muttered her name softly, making no other overture. He still had no idea why this girl acted as if they were such good friends when he hardly knew her at all.
"Let me look at you," she smiled, reaching out to grab both of his hands and squeeze them as she s tudied his face. She was surprised by what she thought she saw there. In his eyes, the same intensity…and yet, something about him has changed. What is it? "I'm very glad you're here, Heero. I look forward to sharing my ideas with you."
"I'm not planning to stay," he replied, pulling his hands away and taking a small step back.
"Heero! Don't be so rude!" Quatre pushed past him and held out a hand to Relena. "I'm Quatre Raberba Winner and it's a pleasure to meet you. Noin has told me such wonderful things about your work here in The Sanc Kingdom."
Relena shook Quatre's hand firmly. "I'm honored to meet another of the Gundam pilots…" She let her eyes drift slowly over to Heero until he noticed her staring and turned away. "…and a friend of Heero's."
"We appreciate your hospitality," Quatre replied warmly. He tried not to let his curiosity show in his face, but it was obvious that Relena seemed to make Heero uncomfortable and he couldn't quite put his intuitive finger on why.
"I have a car waiting to take you to your accommodations," she gestured behind her. "Pagan will drop you off before taking Noin and I back to the institution. I know you must be tired, so let's speak more tomorrow."
o/ I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right
Could I get to be like that
How to know what I don't know
Nothing more to gain /o
"…and she feels that it's only possible for the other factions to put down their weapons if OZ and Romefeller put theirs down first. Personally, I worry about Romefeller attacking this country before Relena has a chance to share these ideas on the world stage. Her very ideal of total pacifism puts her dangerously at risk."
"I don't know why you're telling me this." Heero sat in the backseat of the obnoxiously pink car, arms crossed over his chest and his eyes closed, trying his best to ignore the other pilot. Quatre had not stopped extolling the virtues of Relena and Sanc Kingdom for even a moment since the time Heero had first stepped out of his room this morning and it was beginning to wear on him.
Quatre frowned, studying Heero's closed eyes. Why is Heero, fighting so intensely for peace, not open to hearing about total pacifism? "I think Relena is going to lead the world into a new age. I know we're only pretending to be students here, but it is still an opportunity to share ideas with peace-minded people."
Heero didn't answer as the car pulled up in front of the school and Pagan addressed the both of them. "Let's go in. Miss Relena is waiting in the Institution Director's room."
"We'll find our way in alone from here," Quatre disagreed politely. "I don't like lying, but it doesn't suit you either, Pagan."
Heero opened the door of the car and climbed out, more than ready to retrieve his mobile suit and make plans to depart. "I'm not gonna stay. Once I get my Gundam, I'm getting out of here."
Quatre leaned across the backseat, calling after Heero as he got out of the car. "Don't go, Heero! This nation desperately needs the Gundam. And we've got to make sure to keep that a secret."
He really doesn't get it. The blind idealism… I can't buy into it. "Relena doesn't need any Gundam." He started up the long flight of stairs, Quatre hurrying behind him, still talking rapidly in a whisper.
"It's necessary to protect the princess. Please understand, Heero." He followed Wing's pilot up the stairs leading to the main entrance, aware of all the stares and whispers they were receiving from fellow students.
"Isn't the one in front a servant?"
"He's young for a bodyguard."
Heero ignored them, but Quatre snickered to himself. Maybe it won't be that difficult to conceal who we are if they're so quick to think Heero is my bodyguard…
They walked in silence until they reached the main doors, at which point, they were led by a member of the institution's staff to the director's room. Relena was seated at her desk when they entered, but she rose immediately to greet them.
"On behalf of this institution I welcome you both on your admission," she announced, then dropped the formality as she took in their appearance with a puzzled expression. "Heero. Haven't you received your school uniform yet?"
Heero closed his eyes in annoyance, trying to keep his temper in check. "I don't plan to stay long. Once I'm done here, I'm leaving." How many times do I have to repeat that before it sinks in?
Quatre turned to throw one of his increasingly frequent dirty looks in Heero's direction. "Heero!"
Relena was silent for a moment, studying both boys and debating with herself. She had hoped that Heero would want to stay on his own and she didn't want what she was about to say to sound like bribery… but she supposed that, maybe, in some small way, it was. She wanted him to stay, to hear her out, and if this was what could persuade him, then so be it. Taking a deep breath, she tapped a button on her laptop to bring up the files she'd been reading through just before they came in. "Trowa Barton. Former Gundam pilot and officer in OZ Space Forces. He was last confirmed at the O-X Point of the L2 Area." She looked up from the computer to see that Heero's eyes were on her and Quatre's expression was nothing less than painfully stricken. "Noin told me about him. That he's an important person." Quatre gave an almost minute nod, so she continued. "Many friends in the Sanc Kingdom could help. I've taken on the search for him." She let her gaze slide quickly from Quatre to Heero. "Heero. Couldn't you at least stay until the search is over?"
Heero wondered idly if this girl was underestimating his intelligence or overestimating her own. It was quite clear to him that she was offering a bargaining chip, blackmail disguised as a favor - a favor it would be extremely difficult for him to turn down. Just another politician. "Don't you think Gundam pilots would be a burden to the Sanc Kingdom?" he finally answered, raising one eyebrow.
"I don't need to go out of my way to announce your arrival," she snapped back quickly. "But hiding the facts won't solve anything either." She tilted her head and turned away slightly, her tone becoming just a bit coy. "Besides, there's no battle in this country. So if anyone asks, you're simply a student here."
"If OZ found out we were here…" Heero started again, but Quatre had already turned and reached to grab his hand, pressing it imploringly.
"Heero, please! If Sanc can help us locate Trowa…" Quatre trailed off, his eyes shining with unshed tears. I know you care about Trowa too. Whatever your issue with Relena, can't you put it aside to help out friend? Heero was refusing to meet his gaze, but Quatre could sense his inner turmoil over the situation.
"You don't have to decide right this moment," Relena cut in, quickly noticing how Quatre was already poking holes in Heero's defense. Perhaps he won't yield to me, but if I gave Quatre some time with him… "Let me contact our staff and have them bring uniforms for you. It will certainly make it easier for you to blend in. Perhaps you can even take a walk around the campus while you decide what to do."
o/ Will I get better or stay the same?
I find I always move too slowly
Can't lift a finger
Can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that /o
Alone in a bathroom a few minutes later, Heero found himself changing into the uncomfortable school uniform with ever-growing annoyance at his situation. I'm only doing this for Trowa. I'm only doing this until I find another way to repay the favor that doesn't involve me staying here.
Quatre was waiting for him outside and they walked together in silence through the winding corridors to the classroom where Relena had asked them to come and introduce themselves to the student body. Afterwards, they meandered out into the courtyard before Quatre finally made another attempt to talk to Heero. "She is only trying to help."
"She's only trying to get what she wants," Heero muttered, his hands shoved into his pockets as they walked. Really, Heero thought the stalker girl-turned royal princess-turned-diplomatic leader was every bit as nosy and pushy as she had been when they met months ago. She hadn't been ruler of a kingdom then, but she'd been just as stubbornly single-minded in her pursuits. "And I'm not going to give it to her." Seeing that Quatre was about to interrupt, Heero stopped walking, turning to look at him as he shook his head sharply, his dark shaggy bangs flying back and forth. "No, Quatre. I don't want to hear you defend her. I'm glad she agreed to help search for Trowa, but I will find a way to repay the favor without confining myself here simply because she wishes it."
"I can't stop you," Quatre responded slowly, following Heero as he started to walk again. "But I'm glad you're at least willing to play along for a little while, for Trowa's sake." Maybe it is not Relena, but Sanc Kingdom itself that makes Heero uncomfortable? He had no doubt now that Heero did care about Trowa's fate, but the other boy simply refused to let anyone pin him down. In continuing to preach Sanc's policies at him, perhaps I neglected to ask him if he had any opinions on the matter himself. Wondering how he could get Heero to open up to him, Quatre stayed just a step behind the other boy, studying his back. There was a low hum of noise coming from a building on the other side of the courtyard and students carrying masks and fencing gear were flooding towards the open doors.
"I just want to find my Gundam," Heero said softly, more to himself than to Quatre, stopping in the doorway of the building to survey the events going on inside. "The war hasn't ended just because some people want to pretend it has." Leaning against the doorframe, he watched as the female students began to practice their fencing skills against one another. "Here we are in the land of total pacifism and yet there's a room of people taking up swords. Why is that, Quatre?" He didn't bother to hide the sarcasm that was beginning to leak into his words.
"They're all girls," the blond murmured, standing beside Heero and watching their practices, which he could tell were lessons in self-defense. They don't want to have to depend on men to protect them. "They don't think men can solve problems without fighting."
Heero closed his eyes, looking away with a sigh. "You can't make such a generalization. Some women enjoy battles just as much as men."
"Mind if I challenged you to a fight?" a lilting female voice called as one of the students sauntered over to them, quite obviously having been eavesdropping on the end of their conversation. She gestured to one of her fellow students, who came forward to offer equipment to Heero. "As a woman who enjoys battles as much as any man?"
Heero hesitated for a moment, not wanting to draw attention to himself, but most of the practice fights had already dwindled as the students turned to watch the exchange with interest. "If you insist."
"You introduced yourself to us," the girl intoned lightly, walking towards the center of the room. "But I haven't had the chance to do the same. My name is Dorothy Catalonia. I'm related to an officer of the Romefeller Foundation."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Keeping his expression neutral, Heero said nothing as he stuck his helmet on and tested the weight of the weapon. I may as well assume she's out to bait me. Better to get this fight over with as quickly as possible and get out of here.
"Despite that, Miss Relena welcomed me as a student," Dorothy continued, watching Heero test the weight and pretend not to be listening to her. "I hope we'll get to know each other. Which means I'll have to be strong. Because I hear you hate weak women!" She moved to attack the boy, curious and delighted to test her skills against the infamous pilot. She'd known Heero and Quatre were on the way to Sanc two days ago, but getting to spar with Wing's pilot was a true treat. As she leapt back from a particularly well-aimed attack, Dorothy started to talk again, not caring who around them heard her. "Once upon a time there were two people with the same name. One of them risked his life to bring peace to outer space. And he became a legend in space. Many people were saddened by his death. And they angrily swore to take revenge for him."
Their fight had slowed for a moment as she spoke, but at her last sentence, Heero's eyes flashed and he moved from defending to attacking her, but that didn't slow down her speech. "And now, the other person with the same name is also about to become a legend. The other is a soldier with the best power and skills. And he, too, will likely fight for peace. But I wonder if he'll get killed and become a legend too?" She smiled as she saw how her words were slowly digging into Heero and attacked again, delighted when she cut through his shirt to scratch his upper arm. "That's no good," she teased him flippantly. "A legendary knight doesn't lose on purpose. Don't lose to a woman just to hide your identity. You must first live a strong, noble and passionate life. Save dying for later." She couldn't resist a smirk as his eyes narrowed angrily at her. It's so obvious that I'm getting to him. "You can make yourself into a much bigger legend. Isn't that true, Heero Yuy?"
Listening to her make a mockery out of the original Heero Yuy caused something to snap inside Heero and he stopped holding back, immediately and forcefully plunging the rapier straight through Dorothy's face mask. It was millimeters from impaling her head.
Momentarily stunned, Dorothy dropped her weapon and pulled off her mask, marveling at both the strength and the aim Heero must possess to perform such a feat. "That's impressive. But I'm not too bad myself am I, Heero." It was a statement more than a question and she watched carefully to see if his expression would betray any truth.
Heero pulled off his helmet, responding through gritted teeth. "I don't follow what you're saying. There must be two guys named Heero Yuy besides me." Dropping his mask on the floor, he turned and stalked out of the room.
"Heero! Wait!" Quatre tailed the other boy as he left the room, chasing him down an empty corridor until they were a good distance away from the gymnasium where the practices were being held.
Only when he was certain that they were out of earshot did Heero round on Quatre, not able to keep the anger out of his voice or his expression any longer. "What? What do you want from me, Quatre? You heard what she said! That girl could be on the phone to Romefeller right now, telling them to storm the city in order to carry out our execution orders! Is that what you want? Do you want us to be responsible for the destruction of this place? Wasn't it you who told me we couldn't stay with anyone for too long because we were putting them in danger?!"
Quatre's eyes had widened at Heero's angry speech and he was pretty sure he had never heard the other boy say that much at once, and certainly never with that amount of feeling behind it. His own heart was hammering loudly in his chest, making him all too aware of the full force of Heero's anger. He's been sullen and withdrawn since the incident with Wing Zero and no matter how much it hurts, I'd rather have him let out that frustration and know he's not alone. When I think of the futures the Zero System showed me, I can only imagine the horrible things it could have shown Heero. "Heero…" he started, trying to keep his voice calm and level. "She only said she was a relative of someone in Romefeller, not that she works for Romefeller herself. Perhaps she's here to learn and doesn't care who we are. Maybe she wants to be part of a world of total pacifism too."
"Are you serious?" Hero stared hard at Quatre, totally floored at the other boy's response. How can someone I know to be so deeply intuitive simply turn a blind eye to what just transpired? Ever since the incident with Trowa, he's been afraid. Afraid of fighting, afraid of hurting, afraid of doing what needs to be done. "Quatre. Total pacifism… it's a joke, a lark, a…a fairytale! It's the blind idealism of people who don't want to see the truth, people who think they can just wish the war away!"
"If enough people decided to put down their weapons--"
"NO!" Heero knew he was shouting as he advanced on Quatre, hands curled into fists at his sides, but to his credit, Sandrock's pilot didn't even flinch. "There are too many people who still want to rule by force! Until they are defeated, any one who puts down their weapons is at risk of being obliterated completely! Total Pacifism… it's an ideal that I hope this world can someday embrace, but it's not going to happen right now. Maybe you don't want to fight anymore, maybe you can just set down your weapons and live with yourself and the consequences of it all, but I can't! Stop asking me! Stop making me defend myself to you when there are so many more important things we could be doing than standing around here listening to this bullshit!"
Quatre let Heero go this time, stunned into silence, absolutely frozen to his spot until long after Wing's pilot had turned the corner and disappeared down another hallway. Quatre gotten what he wanted, even if it hadn't come in quite the way he'd expected it. More than ever, he wished he had someone to talk everything over with and found himself suddenly and deeply missing his friendship with Duo and how the other boy always seemed to know just the right thing to say. I feel as if I've failed Heero somehow and that perhaps… perhaps the best thing I can do for him is just let him be for awhile. Suddenly aware of how alone he was, he had just convinced himself to seek out the institution's music room when a small cough alerted him to the presence of someone behind him. Whirling, he was surprised to see Dorothy step out from behind a pillar, her long hair swinging as she walked towards Quatre. "What do you want?" he asked warily. Despite his earlier words to Heero in her defense, deep down the girl made him feel uneasy and he didn't trust her at all.
"You can take the soldier out of the battle, but you can't take the battle out of the soldier!" she chirped in an overly syrupy tone, hinting at how much of their conversation she might have overheard. "Such a passionately dedicated soul!"
"I don't know what you think you heard," Quatre's tone lightened and he paused to smile sweetly at her. "But it would probably be best if you left Heero out of your little mind games."
"Games? You think I came to study at Miss Relena's school just to play games?" She laughed softly, crossing her arms delicately over her chest. "My life is a study of war! I desire to understand the single-minded dedication of people like Heero and Miss Relena! I deeply admire Miss Relena!"
"That might just be the only piece of truth I've heard out of you since we've met," Quatre responded, still keeping his tone overly polite and diplomatic. He'd been raised by a billionaire businessman, after all – he knew quite well how to play the verbal-sparring social games that Dorothy seemed so fond of and he had never been bested yet. "The only thing you seem deeply passionate about yourself… is Relena."
Dorothy's eyes actually widened at that remark and she found herself laughing. I wonder if he knows how close to the mark he really is? Perhaps she had found a truly worthy adversary in Quatre Raberba Winner. "Two points for honesty," she said with a shake of her head. "But I think I'm still ahead in the overall tally." With a small curtsey, despite the fact that she was still in her sparring jumpsuit, she turned and walked back towards the gymnasium.
Quatre stared after her, turning over her laughter and odd commentary with a slow shake of his head. "Isn't there anyone who will have a calm and rational, earnest and honest dialogue with me?"
"Are you talking to yourself now, Quatre?"
Startled, Quatre whirled around, a smile brightening his face as he saw who was approaching. "Noin!"
o/ Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all /o
Heero let his anger fuel his search of the school grounds, wandering tirelessly all afternoon to map the place in his head before making a logical assumption about the location of his Gundam. He didn't want to think about Dorothy's accusations or Relena's manipulations, didn't want to see Quatre's concerned expression in his head and be angry because… Because Duo would have understood, he would've known when to back off and when to push me. More than feeling guilty for yelling at Quatre, Heero found he was feeling oddly guilty for comparing him to Duo, a buzzing sort of strange for realizing that he wanted it to be Duo that was with him…
It's just the school… He finally decided as he found the elevator he knew he'd been looking for and started to hack the computer console beside it. It was just being in uniform, attending a class, being at a school… that reminded him so much of Duo, made him feel as if Duo should be here with him. It's just the surroundings… Despite his realization, he didn't think he could bring himself to apologize to Quatre for telling him the truth, even if he'd done it by shouting in his face… but perhaps he could try and treat him a little more fairly the next time they spoke. Maybe, in some way, I also need to stop blaming him for what happened to Trowa. I defended him to Dr. J, but maybe I should have defended him from myself as well.
"Found it." His Gundam stood before him, waiting quietly in the shadowy hangar and he gazed up at it for a long moment before climbing inside.
Time blurred as Heero reconnected with Wing for the first time since he'd left the Gundam on Earth weeks ago. As he shot into the dusky rose and golden hued sunset sky, his hands swept over the controls, bringing up monitors to read all of the latest reports. To his surprise, Relena's face was one of the first things to pop up, in an article detailing a group of Treize Faction "rebels" who were hiding out in Sanc Kingdom. The meeting she had to take earlier… as it connected to this?
Making an impulsive decision, he headed towards the base. In telling Quatre the truth of how he felt about Relena's total pacifism, he'd also come to the conclusion that as much as he couldn't be its advocate, he also couldn't stand by and watch its message of peace be obliterated by OZ. He'd had more than enough of the day that day he'd been tricked into blowing up Marshall Noventa's shuttle.
This is it. This is the way I can repay the favor.
Heero had the feeling, several hours later, that Relena might not view his actions as a favor after all. She was currently glaring at him – well, technically, Noin and Quatre as well, but it seemed like most of it was directed at him – and he turned away, catching Quatre's eyes as he did. "A favor," he mouthed, giving him a small smile that he hoped the other understood for the peace offering it was.
Quatre nodded as he caught Heero's words, but keeping to his promise to himself, didn't try to press the other pilot for anything more. He and Noin had spoken at length on their way to the hangar earlier, and though Quatre found that he was still bothered by some of the things Heero had said to him, he also knew that he wasn't alone in being unsure of the right path to take. In the end, despite everything Heero had said to Quatre earlier, he had still chosen to defend Sanc, much to Quatre's pleasure and Relena's discontent. Simply because it was the right thing to do? Quatre turned his attention to Noin as she stepped forward, bowing her head down to Relena in an apologetic manner.
"You'd probably say these things are unnecessary in the Sanc Kingdom, Relena. But Romefeller is getting more and more aggressive," Noin started, glancing up to see that Relena was trying hard to hold her tongue. Even though she and Quatre had spoken earlier and mutually agreed that the kingdom needed to be defended, Noin still wasn't sure if the young ruler would send her away for disregarding her instructions. "I know this is contrary to your beliefs, Relena. But I've come to the conclusion that we'll be destroyed without our own defense force. I take full responsibility." She took a deep breath, lowering her eyes again. "I'm prepared to accept any punishment."
Hearing Noin's speech, it was easy for Heero to realize that she, probably with Quatre's agreement since they'd shown up together, had come to the same conclusion about Sanc Kingdom that he had. As much as he didn't want to remain involved, he couldn't help but feel compelled to support Noin's argument. "You shouldn't feel remorseful. This level of military power would be far from enough to directly take on the Romefeller Foundation." He turned around, his eyes searching Relena's face, surprised to see true vulnerability there for the first time that he could remember. "We can't sit here and let them destroy us. As the former leader did." I know it's harsh, but if we can't make her see the truth, she's going to end up with the same fate as her parents.
It was hard for Relena to stand there in front of some of the people she respected most and have them say these things. How can a world of total pacifism exist if there is still anyone holding weapons? Why is there a need for defense if there is universal peace? "Heero," she said tentatively, her voice small as she considered their words against her father's legacy and her own beliefs. "Is my idea just a dream? Or even a mistake?"
Not a dream… but also not a reality right now. "Romefeller eliminates anything they find inconvenient. Like the Space Colonies, and the Gundams. And now, Relena, you have become their target." He paused to let that information sink in, his eyes never leaving her face. "I'm a soldier. I'll crush them in battle. But the Foundation's current stance is against fighting. The times have taken a sudden turn. This battle is because of their impatience with the change. You propose total pacifism. The whole world is headed in that direction." He paused again, gesturing at Noin, who had turned to regard him in surprise. "You have to understand what Noin is saying. Right now defense is needed." Turning away, he started to walk back towards his Gundam, content to leave it to Noin to work out their specifics. "To make time for discussions, too."
"Heero, where are you going?" Relena was confused by what was happening, frustrated at her inability to understand what everyone else seemed to have already accepted. Don't leave just as you've finally begun to hear my ideas.
Heero was already expecting the question and so he gave his own truth instead of the answer she wanted to hear. "I've done you a favor so you'll look for Trowa. I'll do what I think necessary." He glanced back over his shoulder at her. "There's no place for pacifism in my mind. The Gundams exist for battle."
There was no malice in his words and so she asked him, purely out of curiosity. "If you were me, how would you lead the Sanc Kingdom?"
"The same way as Noin. First build a defense unit. That'd be the best way to confront Romefeller now."
Relena was silent for a moment as she contemplated his words, compared them against Noin's and considered the day's events. Maybe I need to give a little to get a little… "Heero and Noin, I approve. I give you my permission to do as you see fit."
"Relena… " Noin murmured, finally looking up at her in surprise.
"How can I expect to come up with a position the world agrees to if I can't even agree with the people closest to me?" She looked from Noin to Quatre to Heero and smiled a little, though there was a small hint of regret in her eyes. "Someday I'll find out what it is that gives everyone the urge to fight."
Heero walked away from Noin's response to head towards Wing, slowing only slightly when Quatre jogged to catch up with him. "Before you ask me: Yes, I'm going back to the Institution tonight. No, I don't know how long I'm staying. Until I decide it's time to go." He paused in both word and step, surprised at the small, pleased smile that appeared on Quatre's face.
"I wasn't going to ask," he claimed, swinging his arms behind his back to clasp one wrist in his other hand. I can almost hear Duo's voice inside my head, telling me "don't push, just listen." He was surprised how much the other by had rubbed off on him during their month in Africa, now that he was away from the Zero System and sane enough to start understanding his own feelings again. Quatre had not forgotten how Heero had yelled about the consequences of putting down their weapons and he hoped he had proved Heero's accusation wrong by getting into the Leo suit today to defend Sanc Kingdom. He didn't know why, but it was as important to him to have the other boy's respect as it had been to have Duo's friendship, and he never questioned those intuitive feelings.
Heero studied Quatre's smile, one eyebrow quirking up in curiosity. "Sure you weren't…" he muttered, but it was meant in good humor. Maybe we each had some figuring things out to do. He reached for the cable to take him up into his mobile suit, turning back to add as an afterthought. "If Relena's willing to see the truth and make sensible compromises, maybe there's hope for the future of this Kingdom… and the rest of Earth."
o/ And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who already understand
Know they're right
and done it right
Could I get to be like that?
I don't know and I don't know
It's harder everyday /o
o/ Can't lift a finger
Can't hurt a fly
I find I always move too slowly
One thing's for certain
I'm insecure
I never knew 'til someone told me that /o
Heero spent the three days following the establishment of Sanc Kingdom's official unofficial defense force hiding from Quatre, Dorothy, Noin and most especially, Relena. Although he wore the school uniform to blend in, he refused to attend any of the classes, instead wandering between the library and a stone bench in the courtyard. The battles between OZ and the dissident Treize Faction were nearing a climax and he was simply waiting for the right piece of information regarding a location to be disclosed before leaving. Although he had decided before coming to Sanc that the Treize Faction was little better than Romefeller's OZ, he was also certain that once OZ extinguished the Treize Faction, they would come after Sanc Kingdom next. And the longer I can delay that, the better. The more OZ crumbles around the edges, the more there's hope the colonies and the people of Earth will stop supporting them.
Heero wasn't even reading the book in his hands as he sat on the stone bench, one leg crossed over the other, his eyes blankly focused on a yellow butterfly dusting its wings over the petals of a daisy as motives, plans and outcomes whirled in his mind. He noticed Relena's approach far too late to escape her back into the library.
"I wasn't expecting you to be there," she said softly, the genuine surprise in her voice making it obvious that she hadn't sought him out on purpose.
"Relena…"
She stared at him for a long moment before finally asking. "Mind if I sit beside you?" She had hardly seen him during the time he'd been here, but she'd contented herself with the fact that he at least hadn't left without saying goodbye.
Heero looked down and away, trying to focus on his book. "Do what you want. This is your country."
Relena wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or serious as she gazed at him a little sadly. "Guess so… I do wonder if things would be different between us if it wasn't. Sitting down beside him, she looked into the distance for a moment, then turned to look at him. "Heero, why do you stay in my country?" She'd been thinking for days now about their reunion at the airport, and though she hadn't figured out why he had changed or what had changed him, she'd started to see a hint of what was tangibly different. "In the past, you would have just gone off to battle despite how hard I tried to stop you." She noticed his eyes shift over to her, but she kept talking. "You were back home in space. But your homeland didn't treat you kindly. It must've been hard. Yet despite that, you keep on fighting. You've still got an intensity in your eyes that hasn't changed since I first met you."
Turning to look at her, Heero was surprised at her sudden attempt at perceptiveness. Have I really changed? "I'm just…" he started, unsure of how to answer her, but he was saved by approaching footsteps. His eyes were still fixed on Relena's face and so he saw how her entire expression softened at the approaching figure before he turned and realized it was Dorothy standing before them.
"Forgive me for interrupting you, Relena."
Relena couldn't help the small smile on her face, always pleased to have her new friend near her. "Dorothy. What is it?"
Dorothy held out a small gold-embossed envelope. "This is an invitation to the Romefeller Foundation. No need to respond immediately, but an answer by dinnertime would be appreciated, so that proper travel arrangements can be made."
"Thank you, Dorothy," Relena replied, accepting the envelope and holding it carefully in her hands for a long moment until Dorothy had departed. Without opening it, she turned to look at Heero again. "Where was I? The intensity that hasn't changed?" She leaned towards him a little, her familiar nosy curiosity rising up again. "The situation with the colonies probably hurt, but that wouldn't be the kind of thing to change you, would it? But something else about you has changed, obviously… I just haven't figured out what, or perhaps who, caused that change." She was amused to see his cheeks flush as she slipped one finger under the edge of the envelope.
"Aren't you going to open that?" he gestured at the envelope stiffly, avoiding her leading statements.
"Yes," she said simply, popping the rest of the envelope open to slide the invitation out, reading it quickly. "Bremen Conference… they want to hear about total pacifism." Jumping up from the bench, she looked around the courtyard and frowned. "I'm sorry, Heero. I need to go speak with Dorothy and accept this invitation." Obviously distracted, she didn't even offer him a wave as she walked quickly across the courtyard towards her office.
Heero took her departure as the perfect opportunity to migrate back into the library, shelving his unread book before hacking into one of the institution's computers. Just as he'd expected, Relena's invitation coincided with the leak of a location for Operation Nova – Luxembourg. OZ was readying its final strike against the Treize Faction at the same time that Romefeller was priming Relena at its next target. Assholes.
"Heero! I've been looking for you everywhere!" Closing down the files he was looking at, Heero rose from the desk and crossed the library to greet Quatre where he stood in the entrance. "Heero, did you hear? Noin told me that Relena's been invited to the Bremen Conference."
"I know," he responded, walking out of the library and heading for the main entrance of the institution. He wanted to make sure she had really departed and wouldn't stand in the way of his own departure. "She's leaving shortly." They walked down the first set of steps until they could overhear the fragmented end of a conversation between Noin, Relena, and Dorothy with Relena refusing Noin's offer to accompany her to the conference. As if realizing someone was watching her, she turned to look back at the stairs and saw that Heero and Quatre had come to see her off.
"Heero. Make me a promise. Don't leave here without telling me first."
Quatre watched Heero intently, surprised when the other boy gave a small nod. Relena smiled in return, seeming content with his response, but Quatre thought Dorothy seemed rather annoyed with the exchange. One arm still resting on the railing, he turned to Heero and asked. "Are you going to just let her go? Romefeller considers this country's ideas dangerous. If anything happens to her…" Heero turned and started to walk away and Quatre let go of the railing, taking a step towards him. "Heero!"
"Quatre, I couldn't stop her even if I wanted to – and I don't, because what she does is not my concern or my responsibility." His mind made up, Heero was striding purposefully towards the elevator that would take him to the mobile suit hangar.
Deciding that he could no more stop Heero than he could stop Relena, Quatre followed him into the elevator. He wanted to tell Heero about his talk with Noin, about the need for the Gundams as superior suits to combat the mobile dolls. Quatre wanted to share the awakening he was coming to, but it felt awkwardly personal and for all that he'd insisted on being an open ear for the other boy, he was sure if the same applied in reverse. "I… I think I might be leaving as well, at least temporarily," he finally said, following Heero into the hangar and watching as he typed commands into the control center beside Wing. "Heero… What are you trying to do?"
"A large number of mobile dolls are expected to arrive in Luxembourg," Heero finally revealed, hoping he'd waited long enough that Quatre wouldn't have time to stop him.
"What?!"
"The Treize Faction headquarters are in Luxembourg," he responded matter-of-factly. "Romefeller's trying to crush them all at once." But I'm going to stop them.
Quatre stepped up to look incredulously at the files Heero had pulled up on the control center's screen. "They're gonna send this many mobile dolls to Earth? Even Luxembourg won't stand a chance."
"Once the battle's lost, those mobile dolls will be dispersed across the world." Heero grabbed the cable to pull himself up and into Wing, looking back as Quatre turned to him in alarm.
"Even you can't defeat that many mobile dolls by yourself! If you insist on going, then I'm going with you!" I'll prove to you that I'm still in this fight! Our methods may be different, but we're both still after the same goal! His quest to recover Sandrock could wait if he was needed elsewhere.
Heero shook his head, his mind already made up. "No. You stay here." Our paths must diverge… because I can see in your eyes that you've found some purpose again, and we all have to follow our hearts.
"But…" Quatre tried one more time, staring up at Heero in dismay.
"You can't afford to get killed at this stage." I know you won't be whole again until you find Sandrock and make peace with Trowa. He gazed down at Quatre, forcing his expression to remain stern. "Not until you find Trowa." He refused to give the other boy a chance to answer, disappearing inside Wing's cockpit.
Moments later, he was soaring through the sky on his way to Luxembourg, hoping he wasn't too late to prevent the mobile dolls from invading the Earth in the name of peace.
Don't die. Keep fighting and live through this! You pilots mustn't die yet.
"Thanks for coming, Heero Yuy. A heart-felt welcome, my dear messenger of peace."
Heero couldn't quite believe that after all this time, he was finally standing face to face with the man who he'd wanted to kill for so long. What was stopping him from pulling the trigger immediately? "You're Treize."
"That should be obvious. Now go ahead and shoot me. End this battle." There was a long moment of silence as Treize stared down the gun that was aimed directly between his eyes. "What's the matter? The war won't end as long as I'm alive. Isn't that the reason you came here?"
Heero had fought the mobile dolls until his Gundam could fight no more, and then the strange message had come, the audio crackling on Wing's damaged sound system, a message urging him onward. He knew now that that the voice was none other than Treize - Treize who had summoned him to Luxembourg and was now begging for his death. None of it sat right with Heero at all and so he demanded. "Tell me why you let me in.
Treize had already decided he had nothing to lose by being honest with the Gundam pilot. "A few months ago, I programmed the computer to accept you. I thought one day, I could have a long talk with you and the other Gundam pilots."
"I'm not interested." Has he lost his mind, living alone in this dark castle?
"Of course not," Treize scoffed lightly. "You pilots should be thinking only about attaining peace. Peace for the Earth. Or rather peace for the entire universe." He started to walk down the staircase separating him from Heero, one slow and careful step at a time.
"Fighting is my only concern," Heero replied shortly. "Peace is merely an outcome after the fighting has ended." I'll leave the future's total pacifism to Relena. I'm done as soon as this war is ended.
"Then tell me," Treize answered, now a mere few steps away. "Who's your enemy? Is it me? Or OZ? Is it Romefeller? Or is it your faraway home, the colonies that betrayed you?"
This was the second time in one day that someone had tried to insinuate that Heero's actions were colored by the colonies' betrayal, and each time brought him one step closer to being absolutely certain that nothing could be farther from the truth. He was no longer fighting for someone or even against someone - he wasn't running Dr. J's missions anymore. "Whoever stands before me and tries to kill me. That is my enemy."
"In that case, your battles will never end since your enemy is destiny itself."
"Maybe so. But I'll continue to fight. That's the only choice I have. I am ready to die anytime for that."
"Aren't you ready to accept your destiny yet? From that perspective, Relena Peacecraft is a much stronger person than you. I am surprised that even you are exhausted from fighting. It is sad but no one can change the course of time." Treize walked past Heero, forcing the pilot to turn slowly to keep his gun trained on Treize.
Do I even believe in destiny? If it exists, how do we know it? Can we change it? "You should be able to," Heero said slowly, his finger twitching against the trigger of his gun. "You once had the power to change history. You only had to do it again."
"I have no such intention."
Heero was quiet for a moment, unsure of what else to say. "I see."
Treize stared at Wing's pilot for a long moment before admitting quietly. "My greatest happiness in life was being able to talk with you." He whipped an ornate gun out of his inside pocket and turned it on Heero. "And now I understand. My own death must coincide with yours. Now that we've met each other, let's leave ourselves in God's hands."
I don't believe in God. Do I care if he kills me the instant I kill him? Could this possibly be the end? "You're a poor loser. It doesn't matter to me."
"A soldier who's willing to die. That's the most correct attitude a person can take to fight." Treize almost wanted to laugh at how similar their positions were, even as they were standing on opposite sides in a war. "But unfortunately, you don't know who to fight against. That makes you the same as me. My battle has also come to an end."
"Your battle hasn't ended," Heero snapped, Treize's words hitting far too close to the bullseye of Heero's dilemma. "Even as we speak, countless soldiers are sacrificing their lives for you. I know for certain that your battle hasn't ended! If anything has ended…" He trailed off, pausing to reword the sentiment in his mind. "Or rather, if anything should end, then it's my own miserable and useless resistance." I keep hearing Trowa calling us "redundant soldiers" in my mind and every day I'm wondering if he was right.
"Heero Yuy, I implore you, please don't disappoint me any further," Treize said, unsettled by the moody declaration of the pilot. "You mustn't be in the same position as myself." Lowering the gun, he turned and walked to the nearby bookcase, pulling a book off the shelf and removing a keycard. "I have a guide that will show you how to live."
The red target lights blink, blur and shift too rapidly.
"Are they enemies? No, they're just ordered to fight. Then are they the enemies? No… It's the same. It's just like Wing Zero."
It is worse than Wing Zero, far worse. Heero's own memories flash on Epyon's monitors as if the monster is feeding straight off of his mind.
"Heero, make me a promise…"
"Protect Master Treize. I beg you."
"Regretfully, there wasn't any future for me to choose from."
Heero is slicing through Marshall Noventa's shuttle again. He is standing at the edge of Wing's cockpit, the detonator switch in his hand. He is watching the fireball of Vayeate and hearing Quatre's wailing in the background. He is engulfed by the heat of buildings tumbling around him, cradling a dead puppy. He is watching his mentor assassinate someone whose importance he won't understand until it's far, far too late. It always seems to be too late and the whole of his future is nothing but the culmination of his failures…
"My future… My death…" Heero's vision clears long enough for him to be aware of the carnage and he is violently ill inside Epyon's cockpit. He has no idea how he even comes to find himself on the lawn of Treize's castle. Jumping down from the mobile suit, he stands with shaking legs, his vision blackening at the edges and Treize's voice sounding like a foreign language. He's holding out a gun…
"Treize… I don't have the right to do it."
Heero doesn't feel himself hit the ground even though he knows his body has given out – he's falling and falling, but there's no landing, no surface beneath him – until suddenly there is.
It's a corridor, maybe, one of the endless hallways in a school except there are no windows, no doors. Heero looks down and sees only inky smoke swirling around his feet. A black feather drifts by and he plucks it out of the air, follows the hallway toward a shimmer of light.
The hallway dissipates into a larger indeterminable space, where on a plain wooden bench, Duo is sitting, leaning against the back, one ankle crossed over the other, his eyes closed and his head bowed, almost as if in prayer. His braid is pulled over his shoulder, but the end of it floats in the air as if this place lacks conventional gravity.
"Duo?" Heero whispers the name in confusion, standing just out of hand's reach.
Duo's head snaps up and his eyes open, the brilliant indigo the only color in this landscape of grays. He smiles at Heero, though it doesn't seem to fully reach his eyes, and pats the open space beside him. "Heero."
"What are you doing here?"
Duo tilts his head, his expression shifting to bemused. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm… dreaming? Hallucinating? Dying? I… I'm not sure." Heero sits down beside Duo, shaking his head slowly, the black feather still clutched in his hand. It surprises him when Duo places one hand lightly on his leg and he looks up to see the other boy gazing at him rather wistfully.
"Is this really all you see?"
"What are you talking about? I don't see-"
But Duo has put a finger to his lips to silence him, leans in to replaces that finger with his lips.
For Heero, it's the first breath of air in an existence he's been utterly drowning in and he wastes no time. His hands are in Duo's hair and he's plundering that familiar mouth with his tongue desperately and it doesn't feel like he's dreaming but intellectually, he keeps trying to remind himself that he is.
This isn't real.
"Your mind, your thoughts – your decisions and your desires," Duo is whispering, his hands are on either side of Heero's face and there's a frantic, fragmented quality to his speech. "They aren't real?"
"I…" Heero starts, but the hoarse word catches in his dry throat and he can't seem to speak any more.
The gravity-defying braid floats around them in a curl and Heero can see there is a white feather stuck through the very end, a feather Duo snatches as he jumps up. It appears to Heero that he is floating, writing in the empty space as he continues to whisper hurriedly over his shoulder.
"The futures Epyon shows you are not the only possible outcomes, Heero… but they are currently the only possible outcomes you are allowing yourself to see, to believe exist…"
Heero is holding both the black and white feathers in his hand now, rising in alarm as Duo pushes against the open space and there is a window where there was nothing, a beachscape, the ocean and the horizon beyond. He turns to question Duo, but the other boy has stepped back out of reach.
"As long as that's all you want to see…as long as you keep pushing people away and not trusting yourself…not opening yourself to envisioning other futures…"
The ceiling and the walls are crumbling around them now, smoking pieces of twisted metal and hunks of jagged stone and Heero is scrambling over the debris, trying to get to Duo, but the only light is coming from the window behind him and the opening is shrinking, and he can't get to Duo.
The darkness is impenetrable and the silence absolute.
o/ If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind /o
Up Next: Chapter 15 - Stars