Author's Notes: I've had houseguests all weekend after spending most of last week caught up in orchestra rehearsals of for a concert. After penning a new song for the graduation ceremony, I now have two weeks left of intense rehearsals left before the year is out. Once school's over, I'm hoping my pace will pick up again. Kinda brutal right now. But I'm babbling. This chapter is where everyone starts to come together for the first time, truly. Thanks to my reviewers:
KaeruShisho: I'm really glad you enjoyed Heero's dream sequence - I had a lot of fun writing it, but had no idea how it would be taken. :) Fanfiction for Heero & Quatre? Hmm...
roninlvr: I would be honored if you wanted to print the story out to keep a copy of it. I never mind people enjoying the things I write for themselves, and it's not as if you're re-posting it somewhere or trying to take credit. ;) I'm glad you're enjoying all the little bits of Heero & Duo - there's plenty more to come soon, promise!
Next chapter should bring us to Peacemillion and finally to a point where the time frame is a little looser with room for characters to interact.
Chapter 15 - Stars (Episodes 36-38)
The icy rain had soaked through his clothing hours ago, but he hardly noticed the chill seeping slowly into his bones. Sometimes when he closed his eyes, he could see a vast tapestry of stars as if he was floating among them, but he couldn't recall how he'd gotten from that point to wandering these unfamiliar streets. He couldn't remember where he was supposed to be going and found that when he tried to think about himself, he couldn't even remember his own name.
Walking past the open doorways of the shops, he could smell a wide array of cooking food, but he couldn't really remember the namesof any of the smells. In one window, there was a brightly lit box TV flashing images of an explosion and the audio bellowed loudly.
"…serious threat, that part of Colony L5 detonated itself today. There were no survivors. Although some reports claim a Gundam was seen in the vicinity, there is no truth to these rumors. OZ encourages…"
He didn't know what or where a colony was. Was this a colony? Gundam… what's a Gundam? The report changed to something else and he moved on, his eyes drawn to a bright red, round, juicy apple and he reached out a hand.
"Got the money to pay for that?"
He jumped back, snatching his hand away as if it had been burned. "M-money…" he mumbled. Sensing danger in the old man's expression, he backed further away, turning and continuing down the street. He looked up for a moment, but there were no stars – just an endless, drab gray, with water falling out of it to blur his vision. He didn't see the girl until he nearly crashed into her.
"Trowa? Is that you, Trowa?" He looked up at her dazedly, the name echoing in his ears. Trowa… I'm… Trowa? It took him another moment to realize that she was still speaking to him. "It's me. Catherine! You didn't forget me, did you?"
Trowa took in the curly hair and the shiny eyes, tried to connect the face with the name with the odd pieces of feeling tugging at his heart. "Catherine…?"
At the broken rasp of his voice, Catherine's eyes went wide and she stepped closer, shielding him from the rain with her umbrella. "T-Trowa!"
"I'm…" Trowa paused, glancing upwards at the umbrella as if he was confused by the sudden absence of rain. "…hungry."
"Hungry…" Catherine murmured, her eyes filling with tears as she watched him look around, his eyes not really focusing on anything in particular. He seemed so much more vulnerable than she'd ever seen him before – exhausted, soaked to the bone, with an empty and sad expression in his eyes. Oh, Trowa… what happened to you? "Do you want to come with me? We have food and a place to sleep… it's-it's warm and dry."
As she reached to touch his arm, Trowa's eyes widened and he jumped back in alarm. "Friend?" he asked hesitantly, a hint of panic in his voice.
Seeing the absolute terror in his eyes nearly broken Catherine's heart and she left her hand out, hanging in front of him. "Sister…" she finally choked out, blinking the tears away. "Please, Trowa… come with me so your sister can take care of you."
Trowa stood motionless for a long moment and then, ever-so-slowly, he reached his own hand out and placed it in Catherine's, mumbling softly. "Sis…"
o/ Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same /o
"I told you I didn't want to be disturbed."
"I thought you might forgive me if I was coming to ask for your advice."
"You don't need my advice." Heero didn't look up from the computer screen he was studying, nor did he stop typing. He wouldn't demand that Noin leave, though, for a multitude of reasons. The first was that he was still a guest in Sanc Kingdom, and the second was that Noin was a far more tolerable interruption than Relena. The last, which he hardly wanted to admit to himself, was that she hadn't pressed him for details when he'd returned mysteriously several days ago with an entirely different Gundam than the one he'd left Sanc in before his trip to Luxembourg. Heero knew Noin was curious, but she'd managed to restrain herself from barraging him with questions, and for that, he was grateful. It would be difficult to answer questions when I have trouble remembering exactly what transpired myself.
"Well, if you won't give me your advice, will you at least listen to what I have to say?" Noin leaned against the railing beside the console that Heero was working at, gazing absently into the darkness of the hangar. She didn't think she really had a chance in the world of convincing Heero to help her defend the kingdom, but seeing as Quatre had not yet returned from his quest to retrieve Sandrock, she didn't know what else to do.
"You're going to continue talking no matter what answer I give," Heero responded, still focused on the screen. He had hoped that taking a look at Epyon through computer schematics would help him better understand the system, but even with its similarities to Wing Zero, there was still something decidedly unsettling about the machine. Heero had only vague recollections of the battle in Luxembourg after his meeting with Treize and almost no memory at all between that time and the moment he'd found himself inside Epyon, parked at the edge of Sanc Kingdom. It made him uncomfortable to realize that he still wasn't sure how he'd ended up there when the last thing he could remember was Treize holding out a gun to him. Shaking off his tangential train of thought, he tried to focus on what Noin was saying.
"…chosen to ignore the obvious implications of harboring those fugitives and now OZ's mobile doll troops have moved to the Sanc Kingdom's borders and forces are building up in the surrounding military bases. It won't be long before Romefeller moves in to crush the Sanc Kingdom. I wish to defend it, but Relena insists on non-violence and disarmament. I understand Relena's ideals… However, we can't ignore that Romefeller's military is trying to invade the country." Noin paused for a moment, wondering if Heero was even listening to her.
"Relena's too caught up in her ideals." Still, at least she knows clearly where she stands and why.
Noin blinked at the prompt and sharp reply. "What's that mean?"
"With things the way they are around the world, total pacifism is impossible." Heero thought they had already come to this conclusion when Relena had allowed the creation of a defense force, so he wasn't sure why Noin seemed uncertain again.
"So you're disputing Relena's ideals?" she asked curiously, as if maybe she wanted that to be what he was getting at so she didn't feel so guilty herself for doubting the princess.
"No. Total pacifism is what people are hoping for. And people can't live without hope." Not feeling the need to explain any further, he rose and moved to a different console to pull up some other charts. If Romefeller was going to be attacking Sanc, then he ought to be ready to leave as soon as possible. Protecting Sanc Kingdom in particular was not of much concern to him, except in the fact that he still considered Romefeller to be one the largest threat to true peace. I've come to understand that my job is to fight the battles that enable someone like Relena to guide the world into a peaceful time. By taking out the people who are trying to rule by force and fear, maybe more people will respond to Relena's message of total pacifism.
Noin watched the pilot as he worked quietly, turning his response over in her mind. It may be what they are hoping for, but does anyone besides Relena believe it is truly a possibility? "Heero," she questioned softly, more out of curiosity then for any other reason. "Do you have any hopes of your own?"
Heero's hands froze for a moment, hovering over the keyboard. He couldn't remember the last time he had taken the time to actually consider his own hopes or desires - or if he ever really had at all. "I only wanna fight against those who try to conquer," he answered automatically, but he was grateful when Noin didn't seem to be paying careful attention to his response. Words came rushing back into his mind as he stared blankly at Epyon's schematics. -- Your mind, your thoughts – your decisions and your desires – they aren't real? -- His own heartbeat felt suddenly overly loud and rapid in his ears, but he couldn't recall exactly where the words were coming from – was it something someone had said to him? Who and when? Why was the half-formed memory affecting him so strongly?
Noin was muttering, more to herself than to Heero, and so she didn't notice his lapse in typing or the confused look that passed over his expression. "I wonder how Quatre's doing… I hope he comes back as soon as possible."
"Quatre will return as soon as he retrieves Sandrock," Heero reassured her, closing the schematics and rising from the console, still feeling as if something he needed to move forward was locked up in his memory. Above them, Epyon gazed down menacingly, as if daring him to step back inside and surrender himself to its dangerous grip in order to seek the answer.
"I know," Noin replied, following Heero was he walked towards the unfamiliar mobile suit. "But wouldn't you consider helping to defend this country again?"
There was a long moment of silence before Heero answered her. "I'll follow you when I'm ready… but don't depend on my support."
o/ I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain /o
Now that he'd seen the true sky from Earth, from the vivid cerulean blue through the trees of the African jungle to the way it blurred violet and rose as it melted into the sunset ocean horizon, the weather control's imitation, with its cornflower hue and randomly-placed, repeating pattern of clouds, paled in comparison. As Duo ambled slowly along the road leading into the park, he tore his gaze from the "sky" and pulled the baseball cap low again. The days are ticking by and what am I doing?
It had been a complete accident, stumbling across Hilde on a salvage mission in space two weeks ago, and as much as he owed her for taking him in and giving him a place to complete the last adjustments on his new Deathscythe Hell, he was growing more and more uncomfortable with every passing day. The former OZ soldier had been dismissed from her position after assisting Duo in his infiltration of the Lunar Base, but she'd taken it in stride, going home to re-open her parents' salvage business. Duo knew she was lonely and happy to have his company, but she tended to sour anytime the war was brought up and Duo had taken to pretending he was more cheerful and content than he really was.
The situation had only escalated when OZ had dragged him into helping with the testing of Wing Zero, and since escaping that mess, he'd started to move around constantly to avoid being pinned down by them again. Hilde knew a little bit about him, his situation, and the other pilots, but it was better not to let her get any more involved. Duo was keeping strange hours, only coming back to the salvage yard when he desperately needed a good night's sleep without having to watch over his shoulder. In some ways, he hadn't felt this transient since he was living on the streets, before meeting Professor G. It wasn't a good feeling, but it kept him from falling into OZ's clutches again and he hated putting Hilde in danger.
Every night now, he was scouring news reports, but beyond the vague hint that a Gundam had been involved in L5's destruction several days ago, there had been no news of the Gundams at all from Earth or the colonies. Even the fiasco at Luxembourg, with OZ trying to destroy the Treize Faction headquarters, had ended with zero survivors and no answers. Duo felt certain that a Gundam had to have been involved for it to have been called a total draw, but the media had remained curiously silent on the issue, much to his frustration. With the Treize Faction mostly out of the way, it seemed that OZ's next move would be to march on the peaceful Sanc Kingdom and crush the little pacifist standing like a lone candle flickering in the wind.
Having completely lost touch with the other pilots, Duo had no idea what to do next and as much as he tried to hide his frustrated behavior from Hilde, his absences were growing longer and her agitation with him was starting to show.
He could see her now as he rounded the corner, sitting on a park bench in a floppy pink hat and petting a shaggy white dog, waiting at their previously appointed spot. She was so engrossed that she didn't even notice his approach until he sat down next to her with a soft noise of exasperation.
"How'd it go?" she asked him lightly.
Duo wasn't stupid – he knew she didn't really want to know. She wanted to stay inside her bubble and wait for the storm to pass, and in some ways, he couldn't really blame her. "The meeting was getting nowhere." It was easy for all of the different factions against Romefeller's rule to consider each other allies now, but once they took out the "bad guy", what proof was there that they wouldn't turn against each other? How did they plan to mediate amongst themselves? After watching the colonies turn on the Gundams and join sides with OZ, Duo's already lacking ability to trust others was more dented than ever and he had little faith in the rebel groups until they could find an answer to that question. I start to wonder if it's possible for a world to exist where no one feels the need to rule others with force. "Hey, I wonder what true peace really means."
"Huh?"
Duo didn't even realize he'd voiced his thoughts out loud until Hilde turned to look at him in surprise. Immediately realizing that he'd let his cheerful façade drop too far, he waved his hands in front of himself defensively. "Uh, nothing!" He reached to scratch the back of his head with one hand, forcing a small laugh. "Just delete that! Was that out of character or what, huh?"
Hilde stared at Duo hard for a moment, but his smile didn't falter, so she jumped up with a smile of her own, all too happy to brush his disconcerting comment aside. "Duo! Let's go somewhere fun!"
That was the last thing he'd been expecting to hear and his hand slowed to a stop in midair, coming down from his scratch. "Somewhere fun?"
"Yeah, let's go! Grabbing his arm, Hilde hauled him off the bench and dragged him through the park with surprising speed. "Hurry, let's go! I've hardly seen you the past few days! We should enjoy our time together!"
"Where are you taking me?" But no sooner had he asked the question then Duo saw the large, yellow tent rising up in front of them. "The circus…?"
"I've never been before!" She stopped at the ticket booth, turning to look at Duo with excitement in her eyes and he found that he just couldn't crush her spirit by saying no. I'll just have to keep an eye on the exits in case anyone recognizes me.
"If it'll make you happy…" Duo followed Hilde inside, let her choose their seats, let her pick out their snacks and tried to act as if he was interested. It wasn't hard, really, because it seemed that she was satisfied with his nods and occasional smiles and the acts were certainly entertaining.
"See, isn't this fun?"
"You said it!"
"Now a young clown will perform with the king of beasts, the lion!" Duo turned to watch as the ringmaster introduced the next act, and his eyes were immediately drawn to the lithe figure of the clown as he flipped out into the ring. Hilde yelped beside him as the lion went racing towards the clown, but one more flip and the boy was riding on the lion's back, upside-down and supported by only one hand.
"Excellent! Hilde giggled a little, pillowing her cheek in one hand with relief and admiration. "I could fall for that clown!"
Having wondered more than once in recent weeks if Hilde was interested in him, her statement came as a surprise to Duo, leaving him feeling even more awkward. "Whatever…" he trailed off as the lion came around the ring again and the clown turned their way. Is that…? "Huh?" He watched as the clown flipped around to ride the lion like a horse and decided it was unmistakable. "It's him! He's…"
"Duo?" Hilde turned to him in confusion, leaning in a little closer. "Duo, do you know that clown? Is he a friend of yours?"
"Pilot…" he muttered distractedly, standing up, but Trowa and the lion had already exited and the next act had begun. Trowa… Trowa was with Heero, the last time I saw them… The events at the Lunar Base felt so far in the past – this was the longest he'd gone without seeing Heero since the time he and Quatre had spent in Africa – but if Trowa was no longer undercover in OZ, something had changed and maybe he knew where Heero was now. "Damn…" he muttered under his breath before turning to Hilde, offering her an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Hilde, but…don't wait for me."
Not chancing a response argument, Duo practically skipped down the stairs of the bleachers until he reached the floor, sprinting out the main exit and heading around the side of the tent just in time to catch the clown disappearing into another, smaller tent a little farther off. Maybe Heero's staying with him at the circus, just like he did when they were on Earth! The thought that the other boy might be waiting just beyond those flaps sent Duo into a run and he stopped only when he was just outside the tent, catching the end of a conversation through the partially open flap.
"Was that good enough?"
"You bet! The crowd sure loved you."
"That's good."
Duo didn't recognize the enthusiastic female voice, but the boy was definitely Trowa. Pushing the flap of the tent aside, he stuck his head in. "Trowa! It IS you, Trowa!" Dashing towards the pair, he grabbed Trowa by the shoulders and shook him excitedly, unable to keep the joy off of his face. "Where are the others?! How's Heero?! Isn't he with you?" Pausing for a breath, Duo froze as Trowa avoided his eyes, glancing over at his female companion with a look of complete panic on his face. Something's wrong…
Time moved in slow motion for Duo as Trowa met his gaze momentarily, and his stomach sank at the lack of recognition in the green eyes. "Get out!" The girl was racing towards them and time sped up again as she slapped Duo's hands away and placed her arms protectively around a shell-shocked and shaking Trowa. "You must be an old friend from his past, but Trowa's not going to be doing any more fighting!"
Stunned, Duo took a slow step forward again, his hands out in front of him in a helpless and confused gesture. "Trowa! What's gotten into you/?!"
"Get out! Just leave us!" the girl yelled again, glaring daggers at Duo while trying to soothe Trowa.
What the hell happened?! "Trowa…" Duo rasped, his heart clenching as he stared at the other boy, who refused to even look his way. "I'm Duo! Do you remember me? Do you know where Heero is?
"Is there a problem back here, Catherine?"
Duo turned to see the ring master, now without his hat and cape, striding quickly towards them. The show must be over. I can't have him calling the soldiers on me. "I was just leaving," Duo called to him, walking towards the flap he'd entered through. Looking back at Trowa's still shaking form, he bit his lip hard before turning away. "Case of mistaken identity."
Out in front, people were streaming out of the main tent in a noisy, happy bustle and Duo let himself blend into the crowd, walking away from the area at a furious pace, his hands balled into fists, jammed into his pockets. He found himself blinking back tears and raised one fist to rub at his eyes angrily. "What the fuck," he muttered under his breath. "How the hell did he end up like that?"
Something horrible had to have happened! I haven't seen anyone that shell-shocked since…since…no, I don't want to think about that! I don't want to think about that night and I don't want to think about what could have happened to Trowa… or Heero.
Making a sharp and sudden turn, Duo weaved his way through a group of people and pushed open the door to a run-down bar. It was very dark inside, the air choked with cigarette smoke and the scent of cheap alcohol, and Duo walked slowly to the bar, sitting down on a stool and looking up at the bartender from under the rim of the baseball cap.
"Wild Turkey, straight up," he demanded, then noticed the bartender open his mouth to object and narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Just leave the bottle."
gwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgw
There was a smoky taste to it, and it scorched something awful going down. It was like consuming the same fire that was burning around him and for that reason, it made him feel just a little bit better.
These were Duo's thoughts as he sat curled into a stone alcove amidst the smoldering ruins of the church, a silver flask cradled between his small hands.
A trail of blood led from Sister Helen to the bodies of the dead soldiers to the place where Duo now sat – his own hands were coated in it - and the air smelled foul and felt like poison in his lungs when he breathed.
Three sips, four, five and the edges of the world had gone blurry, but still the pain did not cease. He could see his own eyes reflected back at him in the scratched surface of the silver, dark and hollowed like he was death itself.
gwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgwgw
Duo's derailed train of thought was yanked back to the present moment when a familiar face filled the screen of the TV hanging in the corner of the bar. Relena…? He set down the bottle and squinted in the darkness, straining his ears to listen, but as she spoke, the bar got quieter and quieter.
"I'm the chief representative of the Sanc Kingdom, Relena Peacecraft. Our country is under attack after OZ declared war on us. Armed combat counters the beliefs of the Sanc Kingdom and its pacifism. But if we become a target for OZ to conduct battle, I shall renounce the nation's sovereignty and dissolve this nation. Total pacifism should not be the cause of battle under any circumstances. I am therefore surrendering myself to OZ. This is to further my ideal of peace. Stop the fighting! You no longer have a reason to fight this battle."
"And so the pacifist becomes the spokesman for the enemy, proving once again that no one is trustworthy." Duo picked up the bottle again with a scowl. Trowa's mind is gone. Heero is MIA. I don't even know if Quatre's alive anymore. And Wu Fei… well… he's Wu Fei. I'm alone and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain. "To no longer having a reason to fight the battle." Duo tipped back the bottle and wished for oblivion.
o/ I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone you look so lonely /o
"I'm taking Wing Zero."
It felt like the first correct decision he'd made in quite awhile.
Thick clouds covered the night sky, making the world seem as boxed in as a colony as he took off in a new direction
Relena had done the unthinkable, siding with Romefeller, and Heero was going to kill her.
o/ Stars looking at a planet
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe to start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane /o
When Duo had reappeared at the salvage yard two days later, looking exhausted and worse for the wear, Hilde had let him in without demanding an explanation and life had continued on in the same pattern as before. At least, Duo had tried to keep pretending that everything was fine, helping her with the shopping, the salvage yard and the filing, but his mind still drifted and his heart still ached. He wasn't sorry that he'd drank himself into a stupor that night, but it hadn't made him forget the look in Trowa's eyes. I just need something to point me in the right direction… what do I do next?
"Duo…"
"Huh?" The sound of Hilde's voice interrupted his drifting thoughts and Duo sat up a little straighter in his chair. "Oh, sorry. I'm done filing my stuff."
The circles under Duo's eyes were obvious to Hilde, but she didn't know how to help her friend. It had been okay at first, the two of them working together, but then OZ had come and taken Duo away that one day. Things had been tougher after that with his frequent disappearances, but ever since the incident at the circus, Duo had been even more moody and distracted. As much as she wanted to pretend that everything was fine, she was starting to realize that maybe that was just making things even worse for her friend. "Duo. Still thinking about that guy?"
Duo made a small noise of agreement as he looked down, unable to keep the bothered look off of his face. If she was going to call him on it, the least he could do was be honest. "It's just depressing to think that could've happened to a fellow Gundam pilot." He paused and turned away. "And I've been wondering what'll happen to the colonies now. It makes me wonder."
"Why are you getting so down?" she snapped back in agitation, wondering what had happened to the fierce optimism of the boy she'd lost her job over. "You're gonna live the life you believe in. That's what you told me."
"Yeah, that's right." Duo stood up, putting on his purposefully cheerful smile. Maybe it's time to disappear again for a few days before I drive Hilde crazy. Just need a good excuse to get of here for awhile…or maybe for good. "Well, maybe I should start by finding a decent job."
"Here's a new job." Sliding the keyboard closer, she typed into the search engine to pull up the advertisement she'd seen that morning and started reading through it again. "They need mobile suit workers at a natural resource satellite. Huh?"
Duo took a step closer at her confusion, leaning to read the screen over her shoulder. "What is it, Hilde?"
"Look; this satellite belongs to the Winner family," she glanced up at Duo and saw the ripple of surprise pass through him.
"The Winner family?" he whispered in disbelief, his eyes widening.
Hilde shook her head slightly. "I'd heard that operations had been suspended indefinitely since the owner was killed."
Duo felt the first genuine smile in ages warm his face. "That must mean the son in the family's come home." Quatre's alive… it has to be… and maybe he knows, maybe he's talked to…
"Will he give you a job?"
Impulsively, Duo wrapped his arms around Hilde from behind and kissed the top of her head, not nothering to answer her question. "I need to go see him, Hil," he enthused, barely noticing her surprised expression. "I've got to leave right away!"
Even though he and Quatre had not seen each other since leaving Africa together, Duo wasn't worried as he sat waiting in a black leather chair in the lobby of the extremely tall office building. So much had happened since their parting and yet he somehow knew that Quatre would greet him warmly. It was an intuitive sense, after the time they'd spent together, that told him that very little could come between them and he wanted to trust those feelings. He wanted to trust them so badly because he really wasn't sure what to believe in these days.
"All right, I'll leave the rest… "
It was with giddy anticipation that he waved over his shoulder at the sound of Quatre's voice, enjoying how the blond trailed off mid-sentence in shock. Jumping up, Duo spun around, hands on his hips and braid flying, and grinned. "Hi, Quatre. Long time no see."
Quatre had stopped cold at the sight of the hand in the air and his heart jumped into his throat as the familiar back of a head turned to present an even more familiar face. "Duo!" he yelled, running towards his friend with a joyful laugh that bubbled up from inside.
Duo opened his arms as Quatre ran to him and picked his slightly smaller friend up, spinning him in a circle as they hugged each other tightly. It felt as if the iron vise on his heart loosened a little just by having Quatre with him again. "Quatre! It's been too long!"
Not quite ready to let go of Duo yet, Quatre let himself enjoy the rush of warmth and relief before reluctantly releasing him and taking a step back. "You're going to come and sit with me for a cup of tea," he said firmly.
"You think I'd turn you down?" Duo grinned, folding his arms behind his head and following Quatre down the hallway to an elevator, which rose far up into the building before opening into a large room. Duo's jaw dropped as Quatre moved to the table in the center where a steaming teapot sat waiting, because the entire wall of the room beyond the table and chairs was made of glass. "Incredible…" Duo drifted over to the floor-length window, gazing out at the city spread below them with wonder in his eyes. "This view…"
Coming to stand next to him at the window, Quatre handed Duo a small tea cup. "Duo, I owe you such an apology."
Duo brought the cup to his mouth and blew on it softly. "What are you talking about?"
"Leaving Earth, we got separated, my calculations were off--"
Reaching out with one hand, Duo touched Quatre's arm lightly and shook his head swiftly. "Ancient history that I never ever blamed you for in the first place!" Duo couldn't stop smiling as he stared at Quatre, overjoyed to be reunited with his friend. He wanted to tell Quatre everything – drifting in space, being captured, Heero rescuing him, meeting Hilde, the craziness at the Lunar Base, Wing Zero - but he hardly knew where to begin. "So much has happened…where did you end up after we were separated?"
Quatre took a sip of his tea and then moved to sit in one of the two chairs beside the table. The whole time he'd been on Earth with Heero, he'd been longing for Duo's company, his open-minded ear, but now that his friend was here with him, he was unsure how to begin his tale. How can I tell him about building Zero? How can I explain what happened to Trowa? Does he have any idea of what Sanc Kingdom is? "I… I drifted in space for awhile until a resource satellite found me."
"A family satellite," Duo guessed and Quatre nodded. Duo hadn't missed the hesitation in Quatre's response and felt instantly wounded by the idea that the other boy felt the need to hide anything from him. Does he know something about Trowa? Does he know where Heero is? Duo was pretty damn sure that Quatre knew he and Heero were friends, even if not exactly how well-acquainted they actually were. Setting his tea cup down on the table, Duo walked back to the window, awkwardly struggling for something to say in hopes of giving Quatre another opportunity to confide in him. "Your family's really something. Nice building. This is all yours now, right?"
"No, not yet. My sisters are managing all the corporation assets. Everyone else thinks I'm still missing." The hurt in Duo's voice and gestures mentally slapped Quatre across the face and he felt immediately guilty for not just trying to tell him the entire story. Duo will listen… maybe he'd even understand…and I don't think he'd judge me, as I've never judged him. And… I know how he feels about honesty. Just as Quatre was opening his mouth to blurt it all out, Duo rounded on him, hands on his hips and demanded an answer himself.
"Because you're a Gundam pilot? Quatre. Where were you?"
There was an intensity in Duo's eyes that burned straight into Quatre and he answered quickly and truthfully this time. "Earth. I went with Heero to figure out what we should be doing."
Duo closed his eyes momentarily, allowing himself a small inward sigh of relief before walking towards the other chair. He's seen Heero… "So, did you come up with anything?"
Maybe Duo will hear me out in a way that Heero never wanted to… Quatre set his tea cup down on the saucer and took a deep breath. "We've gotta fight. That's why I came looking for you guys. There are lots of kind people on Earth. Same with the colonies." He turned to look out the window, thinking of the things he'd learned while staying in Sanc Kingdom. "I want to help build a world where people can live in peace. Which means defending the total pacifism upheld by the Sanc Kingdom."
But that princess is now heading Romefeller. Bothered, Duo didn't care if his response sounded skeptical. "Total pacifism… do you really think such a world is possible?" She dissolved the kingdom and joined up with OZ and no matter who they put out front, I will never ever trust them.
"Duo…" Quatre said softly, picking up his teacup again with a wounded expression. I didn't expect to hear the same remark from him that I heard from Heero.
Turning to lean against the wall where it was solid instead of glass, Duo crossed his arms over his chest. "I've been fighting for the colonies all along. They should leave the fighting to me. I should be the only one to suffer as much as I did." Pausing, he turned to look out at the city thoughtfully. I wanted to put the smiles back on peoples' faces… "But now the colonies have started a war. Meaning a lot more people will end up dying. Maybe I've lost faith in the future that we dreamed about. Maybe in the end, peace is an impossible dream."
If peace is impossible, then everything's for naught… and I can't be that hopeless. Quatre still remembered all of the things he and Duo had talked about, out under the stars in Africa, and he didn't want to lose sight of that idealism. Without hope, without dreams… "I made a grave mistake once," he started quietly, looking down into his nearly empty tea cup. "I don't expect to be forgiven." His hands were shaking now and he couldn't stop the sensation from spreading up his arms and down his back. "But I'll risk everything to make up for it. And I'll do that by fostering my hope for peace. Because once a dream is lost, then everything is lost."
Duo turned his eyes to the ceiling, wanting to take Quatre's hopes – hopes that they'd once shared - and believe in them again himself. He'd always considered himself to be an optimistic person, but those beliefs had definitely been challenged more than once in recent days. "You may be right about that," he finally replied with a shrug. There's still something he's hiding from me. "Although a dismal future might be perfect for the God of Death." Duo bowed, stretched and smiled, but even so, the joke seemed to fall flatter than usual.
"Duo…" Quatre started again, setting down now his now empty tea cup. I want, I need… to tell you everything.
Duo stared at Quatre, hands on his hips, waiting for something, anything… and when he received no further response from Quatre, he finally turned towards the door, his smile vanished. "This place is a bit too high class for me. I'll see you around." You're not even going to try and stop me? Duo glanced back over his shoulder, deciding that he had little to lose by tossing out one last piece of bait. "If you're really looking for the Gundam pilots, I guess you'll want to see him too."
Quatre's mind raced through the possibilities as his eyes lit up. It has to be! "Duo, do you mean?" he jumped up, confused when Duo looked away and down, his expression sad and bothered. "Are you talking about Trowa?"
"I've been staying with Hilde," Duo answered, looking back at Quatre. "She's a former OZ soldier that I met during the time I was on my own in the colonies, after Heero rescued me…" Duo paused, shaking his head. "But that's beside the point, really. Anyways…Hilde and I were at the circus and we saw Trowa there, but…"
Quatre had taken a few steps closer to Duo as the other boy was speaking, but his initial happiness in gaining confirmation that Trowa was alive was quickly being dampened by the sense of dread that Duo's words were evoking. "But what…?" he pressed softly.
Duo lifted his eyes to meet Quatre's and sighed heavily. "He didn't remember me, Quatre. He had no idea who I was." He paused, watching as Quatre's face paled to a ghostly color. "If you want to see him, let me know and I'll point you in the right direction."
"Don't you want to come with me?" Quatre responded in confusion. "I meant it when I said I came looking for all of the pilots. We need to work together!"
"He obviously had no idea who I was, Quatre," Duo snapped back defensively, turning away and crossing his arms over his chest. I can't go back and see that awful look in Trowa's eyes again. "Maybe you'll have better luck. Besides, I…I need to get back to the salvage yard to help Hilde."
The two boys stood there in silence for a few minutes. Quatre could tell that something had put Duo on the defensive, but he didn't know for sure if it had something to do with Trowa or was connected to what they'd already talked about regarding Sanc Kingdom. But if it is Trowa that's upsetting him, how would he react knowing I'm to blame? Maybe it's better that I didn't tell him… "Are you… you're not…" he hesitated, but Duo still had his back turned, so Quatre couldn't attempt to read his expression. "You're not going to fight anymore?"
Duo was deeply glad that Quatre couldn't see his face, because he never lied and there was no way in hell that everything he was feeling wasn't written clearly across his face. Quatre would know in a heartbeat, looking at him, that he was torn up on the inside, and Duo needed to make this decision for himself and not for anyone else. "I don't know…" he finally mumbled softly, pulling the end of his braid into his hand and twirling the end around his finger. "Peace may be an impossible dream, but… is my faith in our ideals strong enough to keep fighting a losing battle?"
"Only you can answer that…but I don't believe it's a losing battle at all." Quatre's heart hurt as he watched the other boy step slowly into the elevator and he was surprised when Duo turned around and lifted his head a touch to look at Quatre from under his bangs, a small smile creeping onto his face.
"Don't count me out just yet, Quatre."
There was a certain familiarity about being at the circus that Trowa couldn't pinpoint, but he supposed it was because Catherine was his sister and this was what they'd done before he'd lost his memory. Performing in the ring was like an automatic function that he didn't have to think too carefully about – it simply felt natural - not like trying to remember where he was supposed to place his costume after the performance. He couldn't remember which trailer was theirs most of the time and though the names of common items and ideas had begun to reshape themselves in his mind, so much was still blurry. One of the only other things he didn't have trouble remembering was how to take care of the animals, especially the lions, and so the ringmaster had let him keep the task and he'd taken to spending most of his free time outside the cage, leaning up against the bars. He wondered if it was something he'd done before – talking to animals without really talking.
Trowa thought that he almost maybe might have convinced himself that this was his whole life, if it hadn't been for the strange visit by the braided boy not long ago. Despite the fact that Cathy had explained to him that the boy thought he was someone else, Trowa had not been able to forget about him. That was when the dreams started… dreams of jumping and flying, explosions and flashing lights and things I don't understand. Are they memories or just my imagination? All of the yelling and shaking had startled him badly that night, but now that he'd had time to think about what had happened without being flooded with panic, he couldn't get his mind off the visitor. There had been such pain in those vivid indigo eyes and he couldn't stop wondering why.
The boy with the braid had called himself Duo and had asked about Heero. Plucking blades of grass from the ground beside the cage, Trowa held them up in front of his face between two fingers. "Duo…" he whispered. "Heero." Speaking the names out loud evoked a strange tingle in his chest and Trowa closed his eyes, letting the wind sweep the two blades of grass from between his fingers. No, no matter what Cathy tells me, I definitely think Duo knows me… knew me… what if I let the only chance to uncover who I am slip through my fingers?
A soft rumbling behind him grabbed Trowa's attention and he turned, getting to his knees. Reaching a hand through the bars, he ran one hand gently over the golden fur. "Okay, okay. I'll get your food." When the lion shifted his stance, Trowa realized there as someone standing behind him and glanced over his shoulder.
"Trowa!" a voice called out loudly, choked with emotion. "Trowa! It's really you!"
Trowa got slowly to his feet, watching curiously as the boy came closer. He was shorter than Trowa, with pale hair and large eyes that were brimming with unshed tears. "Who are you?" he asked curiously.
They were no more than a few feet apart now and the blond shook his head, too choked up to get much out. "Trowa!"
Overwhelmed by the amount of emotion the boy was expressing, Trowa took a step back in alarm. "Do you know me?" he tried again, frustrated that he couldn't get an answer.
The other boy took a few more steps forward, starting to hold out a hand. "Trowa, don't you recognize me?!"
Trowa met the other boy's gaze and they stared at each other for a long moment. I… feel his heart more than I recall his face…
A loud clattering caused both of them to jump, as Catherine dropped the bucket she'd been carrying and ran over. "Trowa, get back to the tent!"
"But Sis…" Trowa started, shaking his head in confusion, looking from Catherine to the blond boy.
"Sis?!" he echoed in surprise.
"Get going!" she yelled, then, seeing the alarm on Trowa's face, she softened her tone. "I'll feed the animals. You go help the boss, okay?"
Trowa hesitated for a long moment before nodding and starting to walk away, but it was only for one reason. The blond boy had seemed shocked to hear him call Catherine "Sis" and he wanted to know why. I want to believe Catherine, but… there's too much that doesn't make sense.
"Wait!" the boy called, holding out a hand to Trowa again. He started to run after him, but Catherine jumped in front of him, allowing Trowa to disappear around the corner of the nearest tent, where he paused to listen to the rest of the conversation.
"Why'd you come here?" Catherine yelled. "Are you gonna take him out to fight again?"
"Who are you?" the boy's voice softened a little.
"I'm…sister!"
"But he's…"
"…can't bear to see him suffer any more…lost his memories of the past. Because they're too painful. He doesn't want to remember!"
Trowa frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. That's not true. I want to remember, even when it hurts… I want to remember. She said something about fighting - was I a soldier? Hearing the boy start to speak again, Trowa strained to understand what he was saying.
"…my fault. I'm sorry. Trowa sacrificed himself to correct a mistake that I made. I know apologizing won't fix things. But I am sorry."
"If that's really the way you feel, then leave him. Trowa's a lot happier now, being here at the circus."
Footsteps told Trowa that Catherine was coming, but he pressed himself into the folds of the tent as she ran by, not wanting to talk to her until he'd had a chance to sort out his own thoughts and feelings. Peeking around the side of the tent, he watched as Quatre looked sadly at the direction he'd disappeared in.
"I'm sorry, Trowa."
He said I sacrificed myself to correct his mistake. And he's sorry. Trowa felt his body starting to shake and slid down the tent to the ground, taking deep breaths. He knew this happened every time fragments of his memory came rushing back, but it was never any less scary. Holding his head between his hands, he squeezed his eyes shut as images flashed in his mind. If I sacrificed myself for him… was it was because he was an important person…?... Quatre…
Trowa desperately fought to hang onto consciousness, waiting for the moment to pass before climbing slowly to his feet. It was almost time for the night's performance and he methodically collected his costume and got dressed. Catherine joined him in the dressing room, chattering cheerfully about their performance as if nothing had happened, but Trowa remained silent, even when the boss came in to greet them and even when Catherine finally asked him if he was okay.
It wasn't until they were about to go on stage that he finally walked over to her and shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry, Catherine. I can't do this right now." He held out his mask to her just as a loud explosion echoed in the distance and everything around them began to shake.
Suddenly, everything was happening around Trowa at a frantic pace. People were screaming and crying and running, more explosions were going off and he could smell that a fire had started somewhere nearby. Trowa stood in the center of it all with no idea what to do or how to help until he was suddenly thrown bodily to the floor by Catherine, just as a set of lights almost crashed down onto his head.
It's happening again… the explosions, the flashing lights, just like in my dreams! Curling in on himself, he barely noticed Catherine throwing her arms around him.
"Trowa, are you all right?"
"I'm cold… and I'm scared… Something's coming…" I don't know who or what it is, but this sense of anticipation…
"There, there. I'm by your side."
Trowa looked up at her, unable to find the right words to express his feelings. Why won't you tell me the whole truth? "Sis…"
"Trowa…"
"Trowa!" Trowa looked up again in surprise at the sound of Quatre's voice. Why is he here? "It's dangerous! Hurry to shelter!"
"What's going on?" Catherine demanded.
"It's a battle!" Quatre responded, looking from Catherine to Trowa. "Mobile suits are exchanging fire near the colony."
Mobile suits… I've piloted mobile suits. Trowa made a strangled noise at the realization and Catherine hugged him tighter as she answered Quatre. "But why?! We're just trying to live here in peace! How many people have to be sacrificed before this ends?!" Trowa watched as Quatre's eyes went wide, a clear indication of how sensitive the subject was and Catherine couldn't stop the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm tired of losing people who're important to me! I can't take it anymore!"
I can't take it anymore… the tears, Catherine, Quatre… the horrible painful look in Duo's eyes. Trowa squeezed his eyes shut as more memories surfaced and shifted. -- When you put everything into a battle you start to think you can change the times by yourself --
Trowa suddenly pushed Catherine gently away and sat up, a new resolve filling him as he and Quatre met eyes. But I'm not trying to change the times alone anymore. "Don't cry, Sis. I promise to protect you."
"Trowa…" she mumbled in surprise at his sudden change of heart.
"I don't want to lose anyone else either," Quatre told Catherine honestly before turning his attention back to Trowa. I can tell that something just clicked back into place for him. I must have hope. "You saved my soul, Trowa. Now it's my turn to save people. That's why the Gundams were built in the first place."
Trowa felt his heart warm at the deep sincerity in Quatre's words and in his smile, and knew his own mind was already made up. Letting the blond leave, he climbed to his feet and offered Catherine a hand up. "Come on, Sis. Let's see if anyone else needs our help."
o/ I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Begin to look like home /o
Standing outside the demolished circus tent, Trowa closed his eyes to listen and could easily tell that the explosions had moved off into a different direction. Everyone had been evacuated to colony shelters and there was nothing else keeping him here now.
"Trowa!" Except this. Trowa turned slowly as he heard Catherine calling his name. He knew he cared for her, cared for the circus, but there was something more. There was a greater pull and he couldn't ignore it, not even to spare her feelings. "Trowa, where are you going?"
"He's calling me," Trowa answered softly. In his mind's eye, he can hear Quatre screaming his name over and over as Vayeate is flickering around him, moments before the explosion. He can't remember anything directly before or after that moment, but the gut-wrenching sound of Quatre calling for him is now so strong a memory that it feels as if it's happening simultaneously with this moment.
"I don't hear anybody."
"I can tell. He's crying." Trowa turned away, took a step forward. Duo, Heero, Quatre… I know they must be waiting for me.
"You can't!" Catherine's voice broke as she reached out a hand, but she drew back in surprise and let it drop when she saw the familiar gaze in his emerald eyes. This was more of the Trowa she remembered - the quiet determination, the reckless stubbornness. "You went through so much pain the last time! Are you gonna fight again?"
"I vaguely recall somebody telling me a long time ago that the only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions." Trowa knew he must have respected that person's opinion highly if he had recalled the words even now.
Catherine turned away in resignation, knowing the battle was already lost. "You're definitely going, then. You're so stubborn. You haven't changed one bit. You're crazy."
"I'll come back alive, Sis." It was the least he could try to offer in return for everything she'd done for him.
"Trowa…"
Trowa could not remember ever piloting a shuttle, but the moment he sat down at the controls, he knew it would be just like his circus performing – something so natural that it felt like an extension of himself.
When the shuttle finally pulled away from the colony to reveal the vats expanse of starry sky around him, Trowa knew he'd started to find his way back to himself.
As Sandrock exclaimed the approach of a shuttle, Quatre knew before the monitor popped up who was inside. Without hope, there is nothing. With hope, there is everything. Outer space suddenly felt a great deal less lonely.
o/ I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you look so empty /o
"I wish to make an announcement to the world. As of this day, I, Relena Peacecraft, have become Romefeller's chief representative. I am not doing this for Romefeller's sake. I regard this as the first step along a very positive road. A road that we can walk together hand-in-hand, where wars will be eliminated and we can have peace. I ask that you discard your weapons and stop fighting. I'm sure that we're all hoping for the same future. Let us together advance toward these objectives. I hereby announce the removal of national borders which have caused wars around the world and declare the Earth as one nation; the World Nation."
Heero turned around and walked back in the direction he'd come, out of the building, down the road, over a fence and across a field until he found himself back at Wing Zero. He reached out to touch the cool metal with one hand, turning his face up to the clear night sky. The stars seemed much brighter than he remembered from space. What is the future I am hoping for?
He'd already packed his single bag and put it inside Deathsycthe and he'd already written a note for Hilde. Flipping on the TV, he was shocked to see Relena's face on the screen for the second time in hardly as many days. The speech left him feeling very unsettled and he took the elevator down to the subsurface hangar where he and Hilde kept their mobile suits.
Leaning against the railing with his back to his mobile suit, Duo looked over his shoulder and up at Deathscythe. "Hey, old buddy. What'll we do? Can you still fight?" Duo was silent for a moment as he imagined the responses of the other pilots to such news and smiled a little on the inside. It really would be a toss up as to who would kick my ass most… but they'd all lose, because I'd have to kick my ass hardest myself.
"Yeah, you've got a point. This isn't like me at all. Wonder if Quatre saw Trowa…" Loading Deathscythe onto a shuttle, Duo had the sense that time was suddenly two skips and a jump ahead of him and he had a lot of catching up to do. He had known, walking away from Quatre yesterday, that his idealism would conquer his skepticism, but he'd needed to find that conclusion for himself.
Out in space, Duo set the autopilot and stretched out in the cockpit of the shuttle, letting the stars lull him to sleep. Time for my second wind.
o/ When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars,
I feel like myself
When I look at the stars
The stars
I see someone else... /o