Chapter 3
Alex
You sit staring into the darkness. She is gone. It's what you wanted. Thought you wanted. Darkness engulfs you. Intense, tormenting, relentless, insidious darkness. Penetrating every part of you.
You look inside yourself. Hating yourself. For so many things. For hurting Olivia tonight. For the things that happened many years ago. Things you've never been able to forget. Things you're trying to make right. You wish you could tell her. Wish you could let her see. But you know that you can't. How could anyone understand? If she knew about those things, she would hate you. And she is the one person who you couldn't stand to hate you.
You hate yourself for the delusion you built your life around. The delusion that you are in control. The delusion that the law means something. That the law works. Sure you know how to make the law work for you, sometimes. Better than most people do. You know how to twist it and use it, to twist yourself inside out using the law to serve justice. Compromise principles you know are right for principles the law decrees are right. You should have to work that hard. The law should just work.
But the truth is, the law doesn't work. It isn't intrinsically fair. There is no reason. No purpose. No sense. Like life. Like death. It's not orderly. And it's not under your control. The truth is the law is truth is you are powerless. What you want, right now, more than anything- is Olivia. The thing you can't have is Olivia.
You dedicated you life to the law. Dedicated your heart to her. But neither was reliable, sustainable. There was nothing to count on, not even yourself. Because the truth is you have control over nothing. Almost nothing.
But there is still one thing in your power. One thing you can make right. You couldn't change the things that happened in the past. But somehow you can even the score. But it's not about revenge. It's about survival. The law can't help you now. It's time to take the law into your own hands.
His eyes. It was his eyes. You knew it was him as soon as you saw him. It was true what you told Olivia, you'd known him since you were a child. But you should have been careful, telling her that. He didn't remember you, of that you were now certain. He had no idea who you were. But you could never forget those eyes, not as long as you live.
You looked back, willing yourself to remember. You had been so young. How reliable were the things you recalled. How much was imagined? How much had you added over the long years you spent remembering?
Crisp snow crunching under your feet, cold air stinging your cheeks. It was hard to breathe. Your feet hurt, you had outgrown your boots months ago, but they were your favourite and you insisted on wearing them. You saw her lying in the snow. Lifeless. Still. Like a doll. You knelt down beside her. Traced your fingers over her blue tinged lips. She looked like she was sleeping. Except that her eyes were open. Staring right at you. But they weren't her eyes. They were dull, dead. You picked up her hand, so heavy, so cold. You called her name. But you knew already she couldn't answer you. She looked so tiny lying there, although you weren't much bigger yourself. You sat looking at her for the longest time. Wishing that you were the one asleep in the cold. And then, as fast as your six year old legs would carry you, you ran.