CHAPTER 6: ABSENCES

As usually, Hanna awoke at dawn, as she had always done since she was a child, nevertheless, lately, while not entirely awaken, her eyes were normally captivated, gazing at a very unusual vision that was becoming very familiar to her. In spite of the time being, there were some days when she believed to hear her mother's voice very clear just as she awoke, in that moment when the last fragments of sleep seem to be real. Han, my dear, it's time to wake up. The feeling was so real that precise morning that she believed her brothers and sisters were there too. Tom, Mike, Evelyn, Prince, Julie and little Rob and Debbie, all of them surrounding her tenderly, as happy and rebellious as she recalled. Although normally she told herself off because of that, she hadn't been able to, lately. She couldn't avoid the temptation of pleasing her mind every time she became absorbed by her memories. She knew she had to concentrate on day to day routine, but at dawn, when she was completely alone, she couldn't help taking delight, for an instant, on the pictures of the past that assailed her, lively and playful.

She was back in time, when she was eleven years old. For a second she believed she could feel the strength of youth fulfilling her completely again. Hard-working, responsible... Her open look inspired confidence almost instantaneously and, in spite of her basic education -she could hardly read and write-, her fair manners didn't took long to earn her first master's, William S. Andrew III - grandfather of the current generation- confidence. A peculiar philanthropic and benefactor of various charity organizations, the magnate had been aware of her innate intelligence, letting her enter freely his private library, and teaching her himself when his duties let him. Dear Mr. William, she thought as her heart warmed. He even had approved her sharing lessons with his own son, William A. Andrew IV, occasionally, when her responsibilities ended.

Remembering the youngster made her feel the familiar pins and needles in her stomach, reopening one of her old wounds. William Andrew IV had been a handsome youngster, with a big heart and caring personality, and she couldn't avoid falling in love with him. From the very beginning, hers had been a hopeless love. He was engaged in matrimony to Beatrice Candlan, the girl he was deeply in love with. Hannah had never built up any hope about him, but she had cherished and sealed that feeling in her heart as if it was a precious treasure. It had been the first and last time in her life she had felt that kind of passion towards any man. She had been conscious that fondness would be with her forever, hurting her continuously, but yet she had carried no strength to give up her position as housekeeper at the Mansion when her old benefactor had died. Being able to see William every day had given her enough courage to go on living, and peacefully her feelings had been confined in a hidden place of her heart.

William! she pronounced his name in a whisper. He had always shown her the tenderness of an elder brother, demonstrating her many times the great esteem and confidence she had earned from the family. His concern and caring for her was sincere, as well as his wife's -a beautiful woman of fragile health and easy manners-, and lasted till his death, when he was just about to be thirty-five years old and Hannah was thirty. From that day on, just Pauna and little Albert were able to heal her pain. They became for her offspring of her own blood, as God hadn't blessed her with children of her own. Feeling useful and loved by the children, especially by little Albert, so alike to his father and grandfather, made her ordinary days become gifts treasured in her disconsolate heart.

When the first sunbeams began to break in the horizon, lighting up the darkness, Hannah resumed the necessary strength to say goodbye to her memories and go out with difficulty from bed. She was already fifty-five years old and her damaged joints withstood everyday a bit more to obey her instructions. Even so, her tireless soul wasn't frightened, conscious that once her body decided to stop, nothing, nor anybody could be able to hold up.

She got close to the windowsill and enjoyed the beauty of dawn. She was aware that, as time passed and she got older, she was more easily moved by the little miracles of everyday life. In the last years, just the simple vision of a just flowered shoot could fill her eyes with tears.

You're getting senile as time passes by, she said to herself, as a soft shiver run all over her body. She wrapped herself up in her housecoat and examined briefly the working day that was awaiting for her. Above all, she had to organize the service to get the Mansion ready after last night's party. Her lips let out a sigh as she remembered last night Albert's face, tired and melancholic. She knew he had been the last one to retire to his chamber. My poor boy, what disturbed you so much last night? It doesn't matter how much you try to hide your real self behind that mask of calmness. You'll never be able to deceive me. I know you since you were born. I couldn't love you more if you were my own blood.

Soft rain was wetting the atmosphere. The woman shuddered at the thought of the suffering that weather would cause to her rheumatic bounds during such a long day, full of tasks and housework. Don't think about it any more, you fool. As soon as you are hard at work, you will forget about it all. She was just about to get dressed, when a light in the north part of the house called her attention. The rooms of that wing hadn't been used for years. She was the only person that entered that area of the building to clean and air everyday Miss Pauna's chambers, a place that Albert had preserved exactly as his sister had left them last night she slept in the Mansion, before she married Robert Brown. Everyday, two dozens of red and white roses were ordered and Hannah, following the youngster's wishes, leant them over her bed, as she had always loved. Even so, Albert had never entered in the room since she had died.

Thousands of doubts assailed the woman. In a hurry, she did her morning ablutions and dressed herself with a simple grey cotton dress. With great difficulty, she could finally calm herself enough to tie her hair in a low bun, and got out of her room. She had never before run through all those corridors so quickly. She was only some metres away from the suspected chamber when she stopped to regain her breath.

What if they are thieves? Should I wake up Madsen? What could I possibly do if they are a group of criminals? But curiosity was stronger than her fears. Secretly she took a poker that had been abandoned in a dark end of the corridor and went to the illuminated room. It wasn't completely closed. Her heart beat fast as she obliged herself to calm down. She sighed a couple of times, crossed herself praying to the Lord to protect her and, silently, entered the room.

Her glance wandered nervously over the familiar objects. The room was full with shelves with the Chinese statuettes that Pauna had collected during her childhood. Walls were covered with detailed reproductions of exotic species of roses from all over the world. She was overwhelmed with familiar memories when her gaze found a familiar shape leant on the desk. Albert, she shouted in her mind. She left the makeshift arm on one side and came closer to him.

He was sitting on a chair, his face leaning on his left stretched-out arm. The youngster seemed deeply asleep, wrapped in one of her sister's shawls. His right hand was lying still, embracing the old bagpipe she had given him as a gift. His hair was ruffled over his shoulders and his cheeks had started to overshadow by an early beard. Hannah felt her heart shrinking as she observed him, indefensible in his sleep. In spite of the calmness of his face, his forehead was full with lines of worry that not even sleep had been able to erase.

The woman went to the fitted cupboard and took a bedspread. She turned to the sleeper and covered him with it, as she gave him a smooth kiss on his cheek.

What has happened to you, my little one, that you hadn't been able to find any rest anywhere but in this room? I remember that you always went to Pauna when, as a child, worries overwhelmed you. Since she died, there has been no one in your life to take her place in your heart, no one to entrust your pains to. On the contrary, everyone comes to you when they've got a problem... And you are so young, Albert, to bear so many burdens of others! So young! You're like William, so sensitive and passionate... You deserve to find a woman that loves you. Someone that gives you her help and support, that will be always by your side, ready to offer her love and understanding. No one knows better than I do how immense is your capacity for love, the great passion that you are able to feel, your efforts to restrain your feelings, to feign that inscrutability, that constant self- control. Oh, Albert! If you just could find another Beatrice, who loved your father so much so as to put herself in danger just to be able to give birth to a male heir.

There was a time when I thought that maybe Candy could take that place in your life. After your sister, she has been the person that was closer to you. She helped you a lot when you lost your memory in the past, when you were so indefensible and weak... Sometimes she reminds me of myself. But I wasn't so lucky. William never loved me, but you are deeply in love with her. Every one of your gazes were betraying you last night. However, she doesn't feel the same for you. It was easy to guess. She's so blind, Albert! If your father had loved me a minimum part of what you love her, I'd have felt the happiest woman in the world. How unfair is life sometimes! I just hope that my little girl, Pauna, had known how to comfort you. I am sure that, from Heaven, she's still watching over you. The same as she did when you were a kid. As she will always be doing.

A solitary tear rolled down the woman's cheek and she wiped it away quickly. You are senile, old lady, you are senile, she said to herself as she left the room. However, a bit of happiness shone smoothly in her look.

I thought you would never defeat your fears of the past, neither that you would ever face with courage any of your sad memories. But you did. Pauna will rest in peace now that you have accepted her death and you have opened yourself to life. Now you will be able to be happy, my child. You, more than anybody else, deserve it.

(...)

Candy opened her eyes when someone knocked on her door. It took her a while to fall asleep that night, overwhelmed by the emotions of the evening. Her night had been a never-ending soft dream full with unreal fantasies, melancholy and restlessness, a continuous evocation of her meeting with Terry in the gardens. Although her mind still denied believing that the chat they had hadn't been a hallucination caused by her own mind, the light of the day took her back to the sad real world. And truth opened up in her mind. She was still in Terry's memories, he still kept the love they had professed in a special place of his heart, but he had admitted that he had started to fall in love with Susanna. She had turned to be definitely a part of his past, a beautiful, passionate, evocative past, but a past. Susanna was his present, a present that actively offered him company, understanding, support; a present full of strength in comparison to the evanescent past she represented.

Will I ever be able to be next to you, Terry, without wishing your hands could touch my skin, or feel the tenderness of your lips on mine? Will I ever be able to look at your children, yours and Susanna's, without wishing they were mine? Will I ever look at her eyes without wishing to be in her place every night in your bed? Yesterday, I said goodbye to you, but you just said farewell. You talked to me about another life, even about some other lives... but how can I live "this" one without you? I can't be happy next to you because remorse wouldn't let me to, but I can't either be happy without you because my heart needs you as I need air to breath. What am I going to do now? Now that I've lost my last hopes.

Candy closed her eyes as she fought her tears not to come out. How strong and sure she had felt that night in New York, when she gave up her lover for Susanna's sake! How innocent, how silly seemed her attitude now to her! She should have fought for her love with all her strength, with every weapon, as Susanna did! Not thinking about anyone but herself. Now she had definitely lost him. What had her kindness served her for? Terry was now gone for her. How easy to say, but how difficult to accept.

The girl stayed leaning back on her bed as some uncontrollable tears started to slide through her cheeks. Someone knocked the door again, but she didn't feel strong enough to answer. She just wanted to stay there, left alone and hidden, forever. Suddenly to keep on living seemed to her an unbearable thing to do. She wished to be able to sleep forever, and not to awake ever again. Not even Anthony's death had left her so depressed, so defeated. Instinctively, Albert's face came to her mind. He had always appeared in her life in those moments when she needed a friendly hand to comfort her: when she was a child at Pony's Hill, when he saved her life from drowning in the waterfall, at the rose gate when her gentle Anthony died, at St. Paul's College in London, when he protected her from the lion in Chicago, when she broke up with Terry after Susanna's attempt of suicide, when she escaped from Neil's seduction plan, at Stear's funeral, after Terry's wedding...

Thinking about him made her soul find a bit of solace. Albert, she whispered. She needed to be by his side. Only him could give her calmness and hope again. With this thought in her mind, she felt able to leave the bed. She wiped her last tears away and started to get dressed.

- "Miss Candy, is anything wrong?"

Hannah's voice awoke her from her thoughts.

- "No, nothing at all, Hannah. I am finishing dressing up myself. I will come down to have breakfast immediately, - she said as she started to put on her white stockings."

It didn't take her long to finish wrapping herself up in her nurse uniform and came down to the living room. Like every morning, the housekeeper had ordered a tasty buffet of fruit, scrambled eggs, sausages, cereals, yoghurts, juices, cold meat and various kind of rolls. Usually Candy was very hungry in the morning, aware that work wouldn't allow her to take any other decent meal till dinnertime, but this morning she felt lacking in appetite. She had some coffee and sat next to the large window. She was surprised Albert hadn't come down yet, meticulous with his punctuality so as to make servants' tasks easier, but she consoled herself thinking that his delay should be due to his tiredness of the evening before.

Candy looked at the grandfather clock. Quarter past nine. Forty-five minutes left to start her shift at the hospital. She had some time left to wait for Albert. Nevertheless, half an hour later, the youngster continued showing no signs of life. Every time she heard a noise of steps, she looked up expecting him, but there was no sign of Albert.

Albert, where are you? She thought worried, It's so unusual you haven't come down yet. Suddenly some fear assailed her, What if he's ill?

The mere idea made her leave the living room to look for Hannah. It didn't take her long to find her giving precise orders to the maids.

- "Hannah, I am worried about Albert,"- she told her with a light accent of nervousness in her voice, -"He hasn't come down to have breakfast yet. And you know how punctual he normally is".

The woman took her hand, trying to calm her, as she smiled with sweetness.

- "Don't you worry, Miss. The Master is fine but he had to leave early this morning. He asked me to tell you that he will be off for some days due to some business".

Candy sighed relieved. Listening to the woman's explanation lightened her worry, but to know that she wouldn't be able to talk to him until he came back disappointed her deeply, fulfilling her with anxiety.

It is the first time Albert isn't by my side when I need him...

Hannah interrupted her thoughts.

- "Do you want me to ask Mr. Rogers to drive you to the hospital?"

Candy looked at her watch. It was too late and unless she was driven to work, she wouldn't be on time to do her duties. She nodded as she put her blue cape on her shoulders and went out to the porch.

It was a grey and rainy morning, accurate reflection of her mood. Even if she felt depressed, she knew she couldn't avoid her duties. She was convinced that Albert would come back soon. That thought made her smile at the time she got into her car, which door had been opened nicely for her by the chauffeur. Just once, during the route, did she remember the passionate kiss Albert had given her as they danced. The idea that his leave was due to her denial just took few minutes in her mind.

Albert is like a brother for me, and he knows it. That kiss didn't mean anything. I am sure it was his way to make me feel still. Only he knew how nervous I was due to Terry's presence. He'll be back soon, then everything will be clear and our relationship will be like it was before.

Thanks to Mr. Rogers' efficiency, they got to St. Camille Hospital in less than ten minutes, just on time for Candy to take her position without any further complications. The girl went up the stairs to the sixth floor very quickly and when she entered the nurses' room, she had a laboured breath. Prudence, the colleague she had to replace for morning duty, greeted her with affection.

- "Quiet, darling. Relax. It is still five minutes left till Hamilton starts her morning round in surgery. Sit down and rest, otherwise you'll faint".

Candy smiled as she took a hand to her breast and tried to catch her breath.

- "You are right, Prudy. I must look horrible,- she answered with difficulty as she sat in a nearby sofa-. Lately the chief has been too strict with uniformity. Sometimes I think I should have my hair cut really short. I can't live with Flammy's aversion to my rebel curls.

The girl started to dry the pearl drops of sweat from her forehead as she mended her look, a down bun covered with an immaculate white cap.

Prudence couldn't stop a stentorian laugh. The woman was about forty years old. She was wide, tall and big built; in spite of her incredible physical look and her reckless voice, she was very feminine and motherly. Some big brown eyes that evoked a warm current of constant optimism and affection enlightened her square face. Patients used to look at her terrified when they first met her, because her enormous hands seemed more capable to dislocate bears than to take care of sick-people, but it didn't take them long to appreciate their mistake when she eased them. The smoothness of her touch along with her easy and calm manners inspired them peace and serenity. On the other hand, she was the only colleague for whom Flammy Hamilton showed an almost reverent respect, conscious as she was that, if it weren't for her medal during the war, Prudence would have become the nurse designated to her position.

Candy was very kin of her since they started to work together. In some ways, she remembered her of her two mothers, Miss Pony and Sister Maria. One of her dreamt projects was to get the three of them to know each other. She was sure they were appointed to get on well and that Prudence would love Lakewood.

- "Don't worry about that, my girl. A small touching-up and you will be perfect. By the way, Mr. Smith, the man on bed number five, had a heart attack last night and he is in Intensive Care. Dr. Newmann visited him first hour in the morning and told me that his condition was stabilized. It is necessary to watch his vital constants every hour. It's going to be a long day for you, Candy. If I remember properly, you also have an appendicitis operation this afternoon. But by that time I think Molly will have arrived."

Candy finished adjusting her cap while she nodded to her partner. She looked at herself in the mirror and observing the paleness of her cheeks, she pinched them to give them some colour.

- "By the way, Candy. How was last night party?"

A light shadow of sadness clouded the girl's look as she answered.

"I...," - the girl swallowed, and shut up suddenly.

This feeling of sorrow, I can't take it away from me. Candy closed her eyes showing dejection. Prudence's innocent question made all her pain renew in an instant.

Her partner looked at her perplexed. The girl's face was a vivid image of distress. It was the first time since she had met her, four years ago, that she was seeing her so full with hopelessness. Candy was the joy of the hospital, her smile cheered up every one, hers was the lively face that gave consolation to the sick-people with just a look, the comfort of the given-up souls.

- "What has happened, my girl?" - she asked her as she put a hand on her cheek,- "tell it to Prudy, you will feel better afterwards, you'll see."

Candy opened her magnetic green eyes. She tried to speak but her whole body trembled, victim of spasms. Her partner sat by her side and hold her tight.

- "Cry, Candy, cry. You'll feel better afterwards, you'll see. Shhh. Don't worry, my girl. Everything will be fine. Prudy is by your side and will help you."

The woman's tenderness, her warmth, the security of her strong arms made the girl get quiet. Little by little her sobs placated and her look recovered her usual liveliness. Suddenly, she exploded in a sudden laugh.

- "Oh, Prudy! Now I am again in a mess," -she could say among some hiccups as she rinsed her last tears.

Prudence watched her. Although her face continued congested, the girl looked more relaxed.

- "If you want, I can stay and replace you this shift, Candy."

The questioned girl nodded.

- "Thanks, but you've done enough for me already. Besides you have just finished a night shift and you need a rest more than I do."

The woman was about to refuse, but in the end she considered that some hard work would be the most effective balm for the girl to forget her worries, and she didn't insist. She wished to ask her what was wrong, but her discrete manners made her gave up inquiring deeper. She knew that Candy would tell her when she felt ready.

- "I'll be at home if you need me," -she said as she stood up and took her cape.

- "Thanks Prudy. You've helped me a lot already. I'll be fine."

Prudence made her a wink of complicity before she left the room. After saying goodbye. Candy entered the room to start the round she had been assigned. Luckily for her, Flammy hadn't arrived yet and soon her work absorbed her completely. During her shift, she had almost no chance to think about anything but the present time. Her day-to-day more refined skill of the surgical instruments use made Dr. Potter congratulate her. He was the one she assisted in the scheduled appendicitis operation. His praises extracted from her lips the first honest smile of the day. Thanks to the routine, she could sink herself into some kind of emotional drowsiness that helped to relax her tense feelings.

When she was back at home, she was physically exhausted and insensitive to everything that didn't mean satisfaction of her basic needs: food and rest. Hannah, conscious that she would come back late, had left for her a cold buffet in the living room. The staff had retired to their rooms some time ago and the mansion was submitted in absolute silence. Candy didn't bother to turn on the lights of the room. The curtains were drawn back and a pale light illuminated clearly the objects. She took some turkey and orange juice and sat on Albert's chair, facing the balcony. She almost could feel his presence by the unique aroma that impregnated the room.

Albert, why are you gone? The question resounded in her mind, accusing her, immersing herself in a ridiculous unease. She had ended accepting as normal facts as his business trips and never before had judged his reasons. But she felt it was different this time. Her thoughts travelled to the past, to the moment when he was ill, with amnesia, and had left St. Anne's Hospital. Then, she had found him at the National Park of Chicago. In some way her soul accepted the comparison of both situations. Albert, aren't you going to come back? Have you left me alone? But this time, she couldn't go out to look for him. He didn't need her. He wasn't ill, nor miserable. It was her who missed him. And he was far away, beyond her reach.

Nervous, her glance walked through the familiar objects of the room and discovered a voluminous object next to her chair. Curiosity made any thought go away from her mind as she lighted a near lamp. The first thing that called her attention was an enormous white gladiolus bouquet. She took it in her arms and breathed her soft fragrance. Lost in the exuberance of the flowers, she found an envelope. Although her heart trembled impatient, she obliged herself to act with tranquillity. She tore the envelope meticulously and took a sheet of paper that had been carefully folded. Albert's handwriting, big and clear, was unmistakable.

'My dear Candy, some unexpected setback keeps me in Lakewood. I am sorry I haven't told you before that I was leaving, but everything happened out of the blue. I hope to be back in a week's time. I beg you to accept my apologies for my inexcusable behaviour. I promise that something like that won't happen ever again. Yours, Albert.'

Candy read the note several times, trying to decipher a second reading hidden behind the shortness and formalism of the message. Something like that won't happen ever again. What does he mean? In spite of the missing inflections, she recognised some trace of bitterness and sadness in between lines.

He is referring to the kiss!... What a fool I am, Albert! How selfish and childish! Just thinking about myself, my needs, my suffering. You, the one that has always been there by my side when I needed you; you, the one that has been constantly keeping an eye on my every little wish; you, the one that has always fought for my happiness and has protected me from every hurt... You'll think that I am ungrateful, spoilt and capricious. But, I could have never imagined that... Oh, Albert! I should have supposed it. Every move, every look, every touch... I was so blinded last night! All your soul declared it and I didn't care to see it. I didn't understand your feelings. Your anxiety. Oh, Albert! Why? Why have you fallen in love with me? I don't deserve your love, can't you see that? My heart is prisoner of a feeling that I don't know if I will be able to drown. You deserve a woman that loves you with all the passion of her heart, and not someone like me, with a divided soul... Why, Albert? Why? It is not fair...

Candy held the note against her breasts. Her pain was so deep that she felt incapable of crying. She sensed some intensive coldness invading her and she embraced herself. She went out the living room and ascended the stairs, but instead of going to her bedroom, she walked on to Albert's. She undressed herself and wrapped her up among the sheets of his bed. His musk smell overcame her completely and little by little she recovered her calmness. Some minutes later she was in a deep sleep, quieted by the idea that, in a strange way, in spite of the distance, Albert kept on protecting her and watching over her sleep.

Albert, come back soon. I need you, she whispered in her dreams.

Note of the author:

Thanks so much Vio () for your wonderful translation of chapter 6.

( 2000 Rosa Carmona