CHAPTER 9: SORROWS
I read once again the few lines I have managed to write. The immaculate sheet languishes in front of my eyes, beating aggressively, urging me to stamp it with my illegible handwriting. Its whiteness strikes me. I am facing my own incompetence, those fears that tie a knot in my heart, blocking me, sinking me again into frustration. I stare at those brief sentences that, little by little, have conquered the virginity of the sheet contour. Now that I notice, they seem more like dark smudges spattering calmness, anarchic signs linked together to spoil even more a stormy scenery, the same as these feelings boiling inside of me.
How many times have I tried to write to him before now? How many times have I chosen to abandon the idea, fearful of not knowing how to express in words the feelings that beat inside me? The same as on prior occasions, and I'm not surprised by it, the sheet ends up, wrinkled and slightly moist, along with the others... In a pile on my desk. The nervousness comes over me. I stretch my rebellious curls to impossible limits, trying to calm down, while I ask myself the same question over and over again: "When will he be back?"
I have been waiting for his return for more than three weeks, with no news after that brief note of farewell, with no hint of his state... I would have never believed that I would miss him so much, that I would expect his arrival with such anticipation. Before, he had always been by my side. Even through the distance, I always felt him keeping an eye on me. But now... Now everything is different. Everything has changed. Nothing will ever be the same again. And it has been my fault. I pretended to be a girl-woman for perhaps too long, oblivious to any feelings that were not mine, too absorbed in my own sorrows and frustrations as to notice those of others ... And Albert was so close ... So close as to make me deaf, blind and dumb to all that surrounded him. It was so easy to be a spoilt child, to turn to him every time I fell down! I had lived alone, responsible for my own life, for so many years that the fact that I had finally found a friendly hand on which I could rely all the responsibilities, clouded my perceptions without my noticing.
Oh, Albert, Albert! What can I do to make you come back? Will you ever forgive my selfishness, my blindness? I feel the emptiness of your absence… A void that I can not fill in any way, though I try with all my strengths. I need to see you, explain to you, apologize... How is it possible that I have wounded so deeply one of the people I love the most in the world? It's hard to understand my own feelings, to draw a logical conclusion of my contradictions. I loved Terry. With desperation, passionate and almost deaf to nearly anything but duty. Why duty? When one loves truly, can we be defeated by something like duty? I guess not. When one loves too much, we fight until we exhaust all possibilities, instead of shutting ourselves in a world of impossibilities. I guess stupidity is sometimes disguised as kindness.
Terry! A love that I kept on idealizing as it became something unattainable, without realizing all the pain it caused to those that surrounded me. Especially to you, Albert. I suppose maturity has taught me something as simple as that.
Your absence makes me so sad, Albert. I long for your company, your advice, your presence. Anything is better than this silence, even a promise. Your departure hurts, lacking you hurts. I have never felt this distant from you. Not even when you went to Africa and I returned to USA. Although, back then, there was an ocean between us, deep down I sensed that your thoughts never left my side. But now something has been broken between us. As if we had lost something irretrievable... Have I missed out on such a valuable treasure, so precious, so special, that I have had to lose it before I could realize its value? I need you. Your warmth, your kindness, your smile. Could that be love? I miss you. Your words of encouragement, your optimism, your serene presence. Will that be love? Your image occupies my thoughts, our times together populate my memories. Is that love? Your absence is intolerable to me, I long for your company, with an anxiety that scares me. Have I just gotten used to you or is this hunger I feel a symptom of something deeper and more lasting?
Can feelings so different be the result of the same emotion? Is love always manifested as a devastating hurricane, violent and stormy? Is it possible that a quiet, protective friendship becomes a whirlwind of passion, a wild and ardent longing? Can the same feeling be shaped in such different forms: the awakening of the illusion during puberty, the fiery vehemence during adolescence and the quiet warmth of maturity? When I think of my life without Terry I feel a deaf void in my heart, a sensation of frustration beyond words, an insane hatred towards a destiny that so ruthlessly fought to separate us... However, if I honestly analyze the depth of that loss, I do not feel like it is something insurmountable. I can live with that pain, rebuild my life from that point of inflection, as I have been doing up to now, although I hadn't realized...
But... losing you, Albert, is like giving up a part of my own self, giving up memories that go back to my deepest roots... My childhood, when I first laid my eyes on Prince of the Hill; my puberty, when the mysterious Mr. Albert appeared and disappeared from my life to comfort me at difficult times; my early womanhood, when William Albert Andrew the fifth, received me as his protégé, friend and companion in his very own house.
Is love only need? Do I need Albert? In which way do I love Albert? To love is to share and need but it is also to desire. Do I desire Albert? Am I capable of seeing him as a lover as well as friend and protector? If I could banish Terry's image completely from my thoughts, could I imagine Albert in his place: waking up my senses, longing for his touch, his caresses? Just thinking of it makes me blush... What does my reaction mean? Did I assign him a role when we first met? Would have I been able to live with him like we have for the past years had I not assigned it to him?
Albert loves me, he is in love with me. I would have never guessed. My feelings for Terry and my own social conventions prevented me from exploring that possibility. Albert has proved those feelings to be true. He has loved me for years, without my realizing it, blind due to my own personal conflicts and slave of my emotions.
When you return, Albert... I... I...
Candy's heart began trembling, thrilled at the prospect. Dreaming of that moment, anticipating the joy of the reunion, she felt flooded with new energies and hopes.
Come back, Albert... Everything will be different. I promise.
She looked down at the sheet of paper and the few lines she had written. They acquired a new meaning under the light of her recent thoughts.
'Dear Albert, We all miss you in Chicago. Never any of your absences had been so long and silent. Come back soon. We await you eagerly. All my love, Candy.'
Needless to say anything more. He knows me better than anyone. Upon his return, words won't be necessary any more. I'll show him that I have changed. That I am not the same Candy that I have been during these recent years: tortured by the past, longing for the impossible... I will make you happy, Albert. And you won't have to leave my side ever again.
"Miss Candy…"
"…"
"Miss Candy…"
Not hearing any reply, Madsen opened slightly the main office door and took a quick look inside. He immediately spotted the silouette of the girl, sitting with her back to the large window and facing the huge oak table that had served several generations of Andrews. Its size made her look tiny and fragile. Since Mr. Andrew had left the mansion, it was each day more frequent to see her in whichever of the rooms the master reserved for his own use, instead of in her private chambers.
Madsen frowned. The young lady had lost some weight and looked each day more emaciated. The master's leave hadn't had any positive outcome for anyone, and surely not for the girl, who had hardly left the house except to comply with her obligations at the hospital. The old man had been aware of the undercurrents that had continuously flowed between the two of them. Even if they had been invisible to others, he was already an old hound at those trials and had lived long enough to know that one day or another, despite the apparent calm that reigned in the house, the situation would eventually burst.
The master, hopelessly in love and compelled to fulfill his duties as a guardian, suffocating his feelings… The young lady, unable to define her own emotions, locked in her own labyrinth of passion... They weren't good times, no... But when had there been any good times for the Andrews? Lucky in world affairs, but unlucky in love... Deceased wives and daughters, unrequited feelings... Even wives eloping with actors, or so was told about the wife of the first Andrew that came to live to USA. No. Women were not a good thing for that family. They had not been in the past and would not be in the future. Madsen was convinced of that... Time to time, he said to himself, time to time...
The steward had not failed to observe certain abnormalities over the recent weeks and didn't doubt the rest of the personnel at the mansion had as well. Although Miss Candy tried to hide her flaws, her behavior was far from appropriate and adequate to what was expected of her. He had never had any complaints so far, but he had always known that her presence would, sooner or later, alter the harmony of the house. The Andrews and his women were a puzzle that did not work, whether the latter were of good birth or not.
...It was inconceivable! Some of the girls who helped with the household chores had seen Miss Candy creeping out late at night, to the master's room. Some had even seen her wearing his jackets, or inhaling the aroma of his cigars. There had been nights when she had slept in his bed... Intolerable. It looked like she was used to it. Of course, Madsen knew that was not true... but that was not an appropriate behavior, especially in front of the servants, always so curious, so addicted to gossiping... It was imperative to silence the talking.
The young lady was so very sad. She suffered from nostalgia. That was undeniable. Dark circles appeared on her once youthful face, betraying countless sleepless nights. Her lively gaze had been replaced by one of concern and suspicion... But that was not an excuse for this behavior, in any case. She was heir to one of the largest fortunes in the country and could not afford any gossip at her expense... If only she could be more discreet... Madsen thought. He hoped for the master to put some order into the house upon his return. It was a pity that a young woman in the fullness of life had to languish that way... But it was much worse that gossips could harm the family's name.
Fortunately, he and Hannah had managed to stop the gossips of the personnel. The sudden departure of the master, the strange behavior of the young lady... The signals were obvious and the staff, curious by nature, was more than eager to talk about it. It was vital to ensure that the comments wouldn't reach the ears of the neighbour families. The family's private affairs should remain in the family and never be a topic of chatter among strangers.
How long till the end of this ordeal? Madsen thought as he opened the office door, formal and severe, ignoring the lack of response.
"Miss Candy," he raised his voice after coughing lowly. "I'm sorry to interrupt. We have a visit that requires your attention. Will you receive the guest in this room?"
She looked up, startled in the midst of her reverie.
"Of course, Madsen. Who is it?" she answered, recoved enough to give him half a smile of approval.
"Miss Patricia O'Brien."
Candy's eyes lit up with genuine joy for a moment. She had been locked either in the house or the hospital for too many days. It was evident that her friends began to worry.
"Please, let her in."
Madsen turned to leave when the girl's voice interrupted him firmly.
"Sorry, Mr. Madsen. I wanted to ask for a favor before you leave." she said in a resolute tone as she stood up. "I would like to convey this note to Mr. Andrew as soon as possible."
The old man nodded. The girl's look did not admit any remark. He squinted slightly, raising a mute appeal, praying for the master to come back as soon as possible. He himself preferred not to deal with women. They were impossible beings, unable to reason logically or understand certain conventions.
"I... Do not bother to bring Miss Patricia here. I myself will welcome her," the girl added with a light tone in her voice, as if she could hear Madsen's innermost thoughts.
She left an old and dumbstruck butler in the corridors of the mansion, and almost flew into the lobby. In seconds, she was warmly greeting her friend, and leading her towards the more informal tearoom. From there, one could enjoy the gardens in all their glory. It was midafternoon, in a couple of hours it would get dark, and rosebushes glowed in different shades of reds and orange, white and pearly ... A multicolor symphony that proved that spring was on its zenith.
"Candy, let me take a look at you," Patty said as she watched her friend. "We have not seen each other since the party. What have you been doing? Why do you stay here, locked, when the weather outside is so great? You're pale and haggard..." Patty frowned. "Right now I'm going to say few words to Albert. Is he not taking proper care of you?"
Candy skillfully concealed her discomfort at the question. "That talk with Albert will have to wait," she said, faking a smile. "He went to Lakewood the day after the party."
Patty could not conceal her surprise.
"He went to Lakewood? But why? I do not understand anything, Candy. You need to explain this further. How long has he been away?"
"I do not know, Patty, I really do not know..." she managed to utter.
Candy couldnt conceal her true feelings after those weeks of impatient wait; her face, that so well had disguised her sadness, became distorted. Her voice trembled so much that she chose to be silent in an attempt to recover. She was so sensitive that the mere mention of any slightly controversial topic could make her burst into tears. She knew and was fighting with all her strengths not to collapse. She reached into her inner reserves looking for some fortitude so that she could deal with Patty's questioning.
This latter noted, dumbstruck by the drastic change in her friend. Candy had rarely hinted her weaknesses, by contrast, had always been optimistic and courageous before any reversal of fate. Why did she seem so despondent? What had happened? Could it be possible that Albert had decided to leave sooner because he could no longer bear her indifference? The mere thought made her dreams be reborn... However, Candy looked really hurt and saddened by his departure. Could it be... was it possible that her friend had finally confronted her memories and had realized that her feelings for Albert were not just fraternal? The thought made her heart shrink in pain... Patty struggled between loyalty to her friend and her own expectations...
In a supreme effort of will, Candy was trying to block out from her thoughts, absorbed in an inner vision that allowed her to maintain some apparent calm. Her eyes shone with remains of tears yet to shed, and her cheeks were delicately flushed. Her body retained a strange immobility, as if she instinctively tried to repel an invisible attack that she was not prepared to meet.
"Candy, please look at me," Patty begged, "If you want to mourn, weep. How many times have you comforted me? Do you think I'm not worthy to comfort you? Do you despise my friendship that much?"
Her friend's harsh words pulled Candy from her silence.
"Please, Patty. Don't think like that. Not even for the slightest moment did I think…" she said, with her face revealing genuine confusion.
"Maybe you haven't thought, but your reactions show something completely different, Candy. Are you better than me because you hide your tears? That is the only deduction I can make".
"But Patty, please. I've never, never meant to offend you. It is just that I do not want you to be sad because I am not in the mood. Sorry. It seems that lately I can not do anything right. I just seem to move those who love me away from me". Candy's tears began to flow freely, wetting her flushed face, and the sobs that followed prevented her from speaking further.
Patty hugged her friend, who hid her face in her shoulder and returned her embrace with despair.
"I feel lonely, Patty... So lonely... Never before had I felt like this... Not even when I lived with the Legans..." As she spoke, her tears kept on pouring, as if once released could not be stopped, as if by virtue of being retained for so long they had become incurable. "Albert is gone and I'm trying to convince myself that everything continues as before... That when I see him again, everything will be back to normal... But deep in my heart I know I've lost him forever. I've played against fate for too long, and I ended up eating my last chance".
"…"
"Albert loved me. He has loved me for many years. And I didn't want to see it. In my heart I knew it, but could not admit it. It was much easier to see him as my guardian and protector. Very comfortable for me... However, now he is gone, now that I think he might disappear from my life... I can not stand it. He told me he would be absent for only a week, and it's been three so far. I have had no news of him in all this time, and I am increasingly worried. And if he doesn't want to see me again?"
Candy went silent and it was obvious by the look on her face that the prospect terrified her. Patty's grasp tightened in an attempt to endorse some of the pain that tore her friend.
"Why do you think so, Candy? Did Albert ever let you down when you needed him? Is that how you trust him after so many years living with him? Albert is the most generous and noble man I have ever met. Generous to the point of forgetting his own needs and desires for the sake of those he loves... Albert is like a dream come true, the type of man able to make that woman that wins his heart, the happiest on earth. He is a gift in every sense; brave, selfless, sacrificial. Any woman would feel happy to share his love..."
Patty's face was tinged with a faint reddish color. The passion of her speech and the emotion that her words revealed awakened a new consciousness in Candy's heart. She moved away from her friend and looked into her eyes.
"Patty... Are you in love with Albert?"
The suddenness of the question left Patty speechless... Her cheeks were stained more intensely as her eyes shyed away from the direct gaze of her companion. Her heart began pounding and her old timidity invaded her senses. Could she confess to Candy something she had been treasuring so fiercely in heart, something she had never dared to confess out loud, not even to herself? She closed her eyes briefly, trying to find an answer to her doubts, trying to find the strength to admit the truth she had delayed for so long. She knew that Albert's happiness might depend on her answer...
"Please, Candy, sit for a moment", she managed to mutter as words began to take shape in her mind, words she knew she had to say no matter how painful they could be for her.
Both sat on the Victorian salmon-pink couch that had so often witnessed their confessions, laughter and games. Patty took Candy's hands in hers and looked intensely into her eyes. Her friend deserved her confession for many reasons but, above all, because the type of courage she had sought to conquer demanded total sincerity towards herself and the others.
"Candy... How could I explain something that I don't even understand myself? Something that so few times I have ventured to verbalize, including in my own thoughts. Do I love Albert? Do you think anybody could know him truly without loving him? Yes, I love Albert... But he doesn't love me. No, don't give me that look of disbelief. Yes, he loves me in some way. He loves me the same as an uncle would love a niece, or as friend would love a friend. Nothing more... and nothing less. His presence, sharing some moment with him is more than enough for me. I ask for no more because I know I can not demand anything more. Albert has loved only one female in his life, with that kind of love that sometimes unites forever a man and a woman, and that woman is you, Candy. Albert has been able to hide it very well, but it is very difficult to hide such things from someone who is in love with you. It was so hard to see him suffer for you, Candy... Seeing him every day fighting against himself, against his feelings, while you languished for a man who gave up on you long ago… But I guess God commands this kind of testing to achieve some goals beyond our comprehension. I ask only one thing, Candy, do not let him suffer more. You're an amazing woman, you're my friend and I love you, but if you don't love him, set him free. Do not tie him to you. You depend too much on him emotionally, but Albert can no longer be just your guardian, at least not now. He needs to forget his feelings for you first. He needs time. He needs distance. That's why he's gone. He didn't want to hurt you; he didn't want you to suffer because of him… But what you asked of him, even without realizing, wasn't something he could keep on offering. First you need to heal your own wounds. Got it, Candy? Do you understand now why he's gone? Especially after he witnessed your encounter with Terry in the gardens at the party... I guess he realized then that he was not the man destined to heal the wound in your heart... Perhaps he wondered if all these years by your side had been futile."
"Futile?... Futile?", Candy's voice, hoarsed with despair, eerily echoed in the room. Her friend's words reinforced her certainty that Albert was lost for her forever.
"Do you love Albert, Candy? Do you love him with the same kind of love that he professes for you? That's the question you should ask yourself... Albert can no longer continue behaving as your brother, your protector, your friend…at least not now. What will you do about it?"
Candy squeezed her friend's hands.
"The other night, in the gardens, Terry told me that I did not mean to him what I had in the past. That he had begun to love Susanna. His confession saddened me profoundly. Deep inside I wanted this to happen. I wanted Terry to be happy. But at the same time I realized that I had been harboring false hopes for the last five years. The loss seemed unbearable... Yet, the next morning, when I discovered that Albert was gone, I knew that Terry's absence would never be for me as hard to endure as losing Albert... During these past three weeks I've realized that I can not live without Albert. I need his presence, his warmth, his company. I've always refused to consider him more than a brother… but the reason was the loyalty I felt for the love that meant so much for me in the past".
"Are you sure, Candy? Are you convinced that you arent mistaking love for false gratitude, or compassion? Do you firmly believe that you are not replacing Terry by Albert in your heart?"
Patty's questions and her own doubts echoed in unison in her heart, awakening her own fears.
"I do not know, Patty... I do not know. How can I find out?"
Patty released her friend's hands and stood up. For a few minutes she seemed lost in thought. Her hesitation did not last long and soon, her gaze turned to Candy: clear, safe and serene.
"You need to get out of here, Candy. You need time to think and serenity to listen to your heart. Albert has given you the chance to fight for a project that will fill many children with joy, something that will be great for many people. Let your wounds heal in the place you've always considered your home... And wait for Albert's return. When he does, talk to him... Confess to him your doubts and fears. Be honest and tell him about your emotional conflicts. Meanwhile, give yourself a chance and give him the opportunity to make a separate life to heal his own wounds. If fate wants you to be together again, you both will find ways to overcome all tests."
"But what if he falls for another? What if I lose him forever?"
"It's a risk you must run, Candy. I have always admired your courage, your strength, your will. During these recent years you've forgotten that part of yourself, but I know it's there, waiting to emerge and shine as before."
Candy leant back on the sofa and closed her eyes. She felt mortally tired. She had to make a decision; she knew that Patty was right. She had to leave. She should offer Albert the opportunity to rebuild his own life and she ought to find her true self again. She had been stranded for too long. Her mind started to forge new images. Old Pony's Hill, Pony's Home orphans, her adoptive mothers… she desired so much to see them again.
And suddenly her sadness began to wane. She knew she could do it. Albert deserved to have the old Candy back, not just the remains of the hesitant Candy of the present. Her eyes were shining when she opened her eyelids again.
"I will, Patty. You've convinced me. That's all I can do for now... Thank you for clearing my doubts and for being such a good friend".
Both girls smiled and hugged each other tightly.
You were the one that taught me how to find that strength within me, Candy. And I think that I will never be able to repay you for it. Do you think we will find happiness, my dear Stear? I know you're always by our side, protecting us...but now it is Candy who needs you the most. Please, watch over her and guide her on her way. After the storm usually comes the calm ... but her personal torment has lasted too long. She deserves to be happy. Help her... my lost love.
©Rosa Carmona 2001