I Am Not My Sister's Keeper
Summary: Sometimes trying to keep two people apart is the very thing that brings them together.
Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura. Forgot to say I didn't own coca-cola..
A/N: There's an allusion to the story of 'Prometheus' later on. If you're unfamiliar with Greek mythology, he's the one who stole fire from the gods, and he was punished by being tied to a rock and having his organs plucked out and eaten by an eagle, which sounds pretty bad in itself, 'cept Prometheus was immortal so every night the organs would regenerate and the same thing would happen the next day. Edit: 22/10/09. Some of the sub-clauses didn't come up the first time, and fixed characters at the end - I had used the wrong character for 'little', thanks CherryWolfie for the heads up.
Last chapter:
Touya and Syaoran come to a sort of 'truce'. Although, it seems Touya requires ratification.
I Am Not My Sister's Keeper – In Writing
I the undersigned Li Syaoran (henceforth known as 'the brat') hereby agree to the following terms:
(1) The brat will not take Kinomoto Sakura (henceforth known as 'the sister') out more than twice a week, and cumulatively no longer than ten hours, except in certain agreed circumstances where permission in obtain at least two weeks in advance. (See Schedule 1 for agreed circumstances).
(2) The brat will return the sister home BEFORE 10:00pm (Note: proposed change suggested by Kinomoto Fujitaka to 11:30pm, change denied. Kinomoto Touya (begrudgingly) agreed to 11pm. Dated: March 4, 2003) on a non-school night, and 8:30pm on a school night except for in circumstances pertaining to (1).
(3) The brat will not kiss the sister in the presence of Kinomoto Touya (always known as Kinomoto Touya). (See Schedule 2 for the only exception to this rule).
(4) The brat will ensure that the sister completes at least three years of higher education and does not become 'another statistic'.
(5) The brat will not touch the sister in inappropriate ways until the two are married. (See Schedule 3 for conditions of marriage).
(6) The brat will not take the sister to meet his family in Hong Kong without obtaining permission at least two months in advance.
(7) The brat will not enter the following areas with the sister without appropriate supervision:
a. Rooms with with beds.
b. Rooms incredibly comfortable with sofas.
c. Rooms with sofas that turn into beds.
d. Rooms with doors that lock from the inside.
e. Close space.
f. Aeroplane bathrooms.
g. Elevators.
"You're banning us from using elevators?"Sakura asked sceptically. "Do you seriously expect us to use the stairs until we're married?" she asked, blushing conspicuously at the thought.
"No," Touya answered plainly. "This contract remains in effect until he dies."
"Aren't there rules about perpetuity?" Syaoran questioned, drawing on a common confusion between wills and contracts. "I doubt any of this is enforceable in court."
"There are other ways of enforcing it," Touya replied, cracking his knuckles threateningly.
h. Rooms containing Hiragizawa Eriol (henceforth known as 'the blue-haired freak'. Note: Li Syaoran proposed to change to 'the devil incarnate'. Proposed change accepted by Kinomoto Touya. Dated: March 4, 2003).
i. Co-ed gatherings.
j. Any area where the brat and the sister may potentially find them selves secluded for a significant period of time with nothing to occupy themselves but each other.
(8) The brat will not allow Daidouji Tomoyo (to be referred to as 'the evil camera-wielding second cousin', or ECWSC) to film intimate moments between himself and the sister.
"Agreed," Syaoran submitted immediately after point seven.
"Oh, but how will I capture my super kawaii 'S and S' moments?" Tomoyo gasped sadly, even her camera looking depressed at the thought. "Wait, you said Li-kun couldn't allow it, but I don't necessarily need his permission. Ohohohohoho."
"Dammit, I knew I should have got a lawyer to draft this thing," Touya complained loudly. "Trust ECWSC to find a loophole!"
(9) The brat will not hesitate to inflict grievous bodily harm on any male (even if they are your friend, family member, or the president of China) that attempts to 'get close' (you may use your discretion here) to the sister. Acceptable males are listed in Schedule 4 – you are not on this list.
(10) The brat will not supply the sister with alcohol under any circumstances.
(11) The brat will not get intoxicated or use mind altering drugs in the presence of the sister.
(12) Any vehicle owned by the brat will be subject to an inspection by Kinomoto Touya. If the vehicle fails this inspection, the brat must refrain from transporting the sister in this vehicle. The following vehicles will automatically fail inspection:
a. Motorcycles.
b. Pickup trucks.
c. Vehicles with seats that can be reclined all the way back.
d. Vehicles capable of a speed in excess of 150 km/h.
e. Vehicles with a safety rating lower than 3.
f. Vehicles with customized paint jobs involving flames, skulls, snakes or tigers.
g. Vehicles with over-sized back seats.
h. Red.
(13) The brat will abstain from any activity that may jeopardise the sister's chances of getting into a good college. Similarly, the brat will support her in all decisions the sister makes regarding college or her career, even if they are against the wishes of his family.
(14) The brat will not have 'sexual intercourse' with the sister except for within marriage and for the purpose of pro-creation.
(15) Any 'sexual conduct' with persons other than the sister – irrespective of purpose – will constitute a serious breach of this agreement allowing Kinomoto Touya to take 'damages' however he see's fit. (LIQUIDATED DAMAGES CLAUSE)
"In other words," Touya clarified 'kindly', "if you want to keep it, you keep it in your pants."
"So basically, I'm never allowed to have sex ever," Syaoran correctly assumed.
"Pretty much," Touya affirmed with a smirk.
"So it'll be just like any other marriage," Nakuru suggested cheerfully, giggling as she squeezed her arms around the perpetually grumpy Touya. He cracked the tiniest smile in her direction, which seemed to cause the girl immeasurable joy.
"Maybe I should just give up now and convert to Catholicism," Syaoran sighed reproachfully as he quietly prepared himself for a life of near abstinence. If Touya was the only draw back to having Sakura be his until the day he died, then he was pretty sure he could handle it.
"But I thought you were a Buddhist," Sakura cut in looking adorably confused (all parties present were in unanimous agreement on this point). "Don't you have to believe in 'Jesus' to be a Catholic?"
"Among other things," Touya answered, clearly alluding to parts of Catholic dogma that deemed the use of contraception something akin to a sin. It was in an encyclical, which is apparently something very important to that persuasion.
"Never mind, 'Kura-chan," Syaoran answered, giving her a kind smile. "But I think you should know, I've always intended to have a large family with at least . . . three multiple births. And if it takes us fifty tries to get there, then so be it. Fifty it is," he finished, while sending a sly look at Touya.
The looks of those gathered were priceless, and Tomoyo commended herself on catching each and every one of them. There was Sakura's kawaii, confused 'dot-eyed' look, and Touya's contemptuous glare, and of course Nakuru who was rolling on the floor in peels of laughter. And we can't forget Syaoran, who was looking very much like the cat that got the cream. It would be an understatement to say that he was pleased with their reaction.
"Moving on," Touya said grimly, drawing their attention back to the agreement.
(16) The brat will never, under any circumstances, brand the sister with his name, initials, Chinese characters, image, or symbolic image. If this happens, Kinomoto Touya will personally perform a skin graft using skin from the brat's forehead and will exercise his discretion in the administration of anaesthetic. (A/N: At least he's qualified, or rather will be)
(17) The brat will not address the sister as any of the following: his ho, bitch, chick, babe, shiela, broad, dame, filly, gal, or ball and chain. Her name is Sakura, use it.
"But what if she likes it?" Syaoran had to ask, giving Sakura a suggestive wink that made her blush.
"Not in my presence," Touya answered darkly, halting the discussion.
(18) The brat will not use profanity in the presence of the sister, even if it is in a language she doesn't understand – swears are universal.
(19) The brat will not try to sweet talk Kinomoto Fujitaka ('the parental') into circumventing this agreement.
(20) The brat will not attempt to use magic to circumvent this agreement.
(21) The brat will not attempt to make the sister use magic to circumvent this agreement.
(22) The brat will not allow the devil incarnate to use magic to circumvent this agreement.
(23) These rules are god!
(24) Any breach of this agreement will entitle Kinomoto Touya to cause the brat immeasurable pain.
(25) In agreeing to these rules, the brat does agree that if the sister is ever to feel pain (physical or otherwise) Kinomoto Touya is in all circumstances fully entitled to cause the brat equivalent pain and agrees to stand perfectly still as he does so, and will not defend himself through any means.
In recognition of you agreeing to the above, Kinomoto Touya agrees to the following:
(1) Kinomoto Touya will not prevent the sister from accepting dates from the brat, provided that clause (1) is complied with.
(2) Kinomoto Touya will not ask, beg, plead or pay anybody to inflict harm, serious harm or death upon the brat except for in the occasion of breach.
(3) Kinomoto Touya will refrain from calling the brat 'gaki', 'baka' or 'bakayaro' (or similar titles) in the presence of the sister.
(4) Kinomoto Touya will guarantee his blessing IF the sister so desires it.
(5) Kinomoto Touya will agree to keep a distance of 10m between himself and the brat and the sister during randomly scheduled 'inspections'. Kinomoto Touya also promises that there will be no more than 6 of these a year.
"Touya!" Nakuru complained, gaping at the excessive number. "You cannot stalk your little sister. It's just creepy."
"It's not stalking," Touya argued back. "They are inspections."
Syaoran scoffed and Sakura looked un-amused. Given that she was only allowed to go on a date with Syaoran twice a week, she would be spending ever 16th date with Syaoran in the company of her brother.
"That's completely unreasonable," Nakuru argued. "Are you honestly planning to keep track of them for the rest of their lives?"
She shook her head, grabbing the 'agreement' and carefully altering it. "There," she said. "You get six 'inspections' in total, and you better use them wisely, Touya."
"I still think it's excessive," Syaoran muttered.
"Shhh," Sakura hissed at him, "we're lucky Nakuru was able to talk him down. Be quiet before he jumps it up to once a month."
(6) Kinomoto Touya will not act in a way prejudicial to the brat's relationship with the sister.
(7) Kinomoto Touya will refrain from spreading lies/rumours about the brat with the intent that they will get back to the parental or the sister, and thus prevent the brat from seeing the sister.
"That was my idea," Nakuru said proudly, smiling at those gathered.
"He wouldn't, would he?" Sakura asked, glancing wide-eyed at the moon guardian.
Nakuru shrugged. "I wouldn't put it past him. I bet he's already thinking up ways to get around his own agreement."
(8) Kinomoto Touya will not file police reports (or any other form of legal action) containing false charges against the brat in ordered to get him arrested/deported.
(9) Kinomoto Touya will not conspire to bring about breaches so as to invoke clause (23) or similar 'damages' clauses.
(10) Kinomoto Touya will attempt polite conversation with the brat during special/family occasions.
(11) Kinomoto Touya will respectfully defer all duties of protection regarding the sister to the brat, and entrust his sisters well-being and happiness to the brat, for as long as she is happy for this arrangement to exist.
Kinomoto Touya has the right to alter this agreement at any point without notice. Breaches of this agreement are strict liability and the brat's motivations, intentions and mental state are irrelevant. The question of breach is in no way subject to the sister's feelings on the matter considered breach, and any attempt by the sister to defer the infliction of 'damages' will probably result in an aggravation of 'damages'. This agreement remains in effect until the date of the brat's death, and may be subject to review at random interval and in relation to certain key events.
"I can't agree to this!" Syaoran exclaimed, as he read through Touya's concluding paragraph.
"That's fine with me," Touya said as he pulled the 'agreement' away from him. "Guess you won't be dating my sister."
"Touya, wait!" Sakura cut in, seeing her brother ready himself to tear the agreement in half. "You don't want that, do you, Syao-kun?" she asked softly, giving him an almost pitifully hopeful look.
"No, of course not, Sakura-chan," he said softly, squeezing her hand reassuringly. "But I can't agree to this bit about alteration without notice. He'll just go and change the whole thing without me knowing whenever it suits him."
Touya shrugged indifferently, knowing that he was the one holding the cards. He was the gatekeeper standing in the way of the one thing Syaoran wanted, and that put him in a very powerful bargaining position.
Tomoyo looked thoughtful for a moment, her acute business mind going to work. "How about we remove the bit about no notice, and add a reasonableness standard to approve any changes?" Tomoyo suggested. "Like . . . uh . . . 'Kinomoto Touya may alter the agreement with notice, provided that the proposed changes are accepted by either 'the parental' or Akizuki Nakuru'. I think Nakuru-chan, and Kinomoto-sensei will be the most neutral parties to deal with changes."
Touya scoffed. "No deal," he replied. "If he wants to date my sister, he has to agree to all the terms, including alteration with out notice."
"Touya," Nakuru said in a low warning tone. "You will agree to the change, or else . . ." The rest of her sentence was spoken directly into Touya's ear, but they could guess that it was pretty serious given the way that Touya gulped conspicuously and quickly agreed to the change.
"You gonna sign now, kid?" he asked once the change had been noted, giving Syaoran one of his most challenging glares.
"Hang on a sec," Syaoran replied. "I want to see what I'm agreeing to in these schedules first."
SCHEDULE 1: Exceptional circumstances where it may be permissible to extend date limit.
The brat may seek permission vary the 'dating conditions' (clause (1) and (2)) with regard to the following:
(1) School Holidays.
(2) Special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, graduations).
(3) Festival days (this may invoked no more than 5 times a year).
(4) Family gatherings
(5) Educational activities.
(6) Community service activities
SCHEDULE 2: Exception to Anti-PDA clause.
There is one, and only ONE, exception to the agreed cessation of affectionate displays in the presence of Kinomoto Touya. This one exception is where the brat and the sister are wed, and even then there must be no tongue under any circumstances, and kisses must be limited in their duration to less than ten seconds.
SCHEDULE 3: Conditions of Marriage.
In signing this agreement, the brat irrevocably evidences an intention to marry the sister. If he does not possess such an intention, he should refrain from signing and thus, from dating the sister. In signing he is assenting to be bound to marry the sister unless she deems otherwise.
The brat may not marry the sister before April 1, 2008.
All children must be within wedlock.
At least one child should be named after Kinomoto Touya.
Syaoran could not resist a scoff. "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible," he remarked with an air of cool. "All children is the Li clan, especially the potential heirs, must be given traditional Chinese names chosen through careful consideration of the stars and consultation with the elders of both sides. It will be almost impossible to convince the elders of a non-Chinese name."
"Oh," Sakura said sadly, looking forlornly at the ground. "I always wanted to name my daughter after Okaa-san," she admitted with a sigh, "but I suppose that won't be possible either."
"We-well, I mean, it's . . . uh . . . it's not set . . . I-I-I mean . . ." Syaoran began frantically, losing his cool as he tried desperately to relent Sakura's darkened mood. "I'm sure we can make an exception. Li Nadeshiko has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Sakura nodded vigorously, smiling at his awkward expression.
"Good," Touya cut in, "then I suppose one more won't make a difference."
The brat must provide evidence of his ability to properly provide for the sister's mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. Until such evidence is adduced, he will not be considered an eligible suitor.
The brat may not elope with the sister under any circumstances. A proper marriage ceremony must be performed, with no exception.
During the wedding ceremony, reception, rehearsal dinner etc. and any future 'family events', Kinomoto Touya will not be sat anywhere near the brat's sisters, on pain of death.
Marriage to the sister is forever. If for any reason the brat wishes to leave the sister, this will be deemed a breach of this agreement.
The brat may not marry more than one woman, even if tradition, law or policy says otherwise.
In the event of dissolution of marriage (for any reason) the brat will never again be sexually or romantically intimate with another living thing, be it animal, mineral, or vegetable –
"Except for 'Mrs. Palm and her five friendly friends'," a mysterious voice cut in, waving his fingers suggestively.
"What the hell are you doing here, you blue-haired freak?" Touya screamed, eyes narrowing dangerously. Once again, it was one of those rare moments where Kinomoto Touya and Li Syaoran were in complete agreement, as the chestnut-haired boy also narrowed his eyes at the 'friendly' wizard. The rooms other occupants (Sakura, Nakuru, and Tomoyo) shuddered at the bizarre coincidence and what that might protect in terms of apocalypse type warnings.
"I do believe there was an accepted change from my cute little descendant," Eriol replied coolly, unperturbed by the menacing growl sounded from the aforementioned 'cute little descendant'.
"Now, Tomoyo-anata," he continued smoothly, turning his attention from the rooms other occupants as he held a hand towards the dark-haired girl in a genteel gesture. "What do you say our two 'Rosie Palms' become acquainted like pilgrims hands that saints do touch, and let me have my sin again?"
Tomoyo blushed. She always had been a sucker for Shakespeare, even if he had completely butchered it. She blushed despite the sexual undertones to his suggestion, and had the decency not to giggle aloud at the thoughts his words seemed to conjure in her mind.
Touya and Syaoran scoffed simultaneously. "What about Mizuki?" Touya sneered, only mildly interested. He asked out of no tenderness towards his ex-teacher, but rather out of perverse glee. He secretly hoped that the mage had dumped Kaho for Tomoyo, and that bitch would finally know what it was like to be dumped for a younger model. As you can tell, Touya still held some resentment towards his statutory rapist.
"Oh her?" Eriol responded nonchalantly, not glancing away from Tomoyo, who blushed a pretty shade of pink under his intense gaze. "She dumped me the second I stopped passing for a pre-pubescent male. Saw that coming from a mile back."
He gave Touya knowing look, sure that the card mistress' older brother understood his plight and the implications of what it took to stay in a relationship with Mizuki Kaho. After all, it was really the same thing all over again, right to the very last detail. "Apparently she is 'not the one I was destined to love'," he added with a note of disdain in his tone, "and I whole heartedly agree. Thus . . .
"Tomoyo-san? What do you say we do dinner?" he suggested to the dark haired girl, his tone and expression changing in an instant. "Unlike certain people who shall not be mentioned, you seem like the kind of woman who can appreciate a real man."
"And that would be you?" Syaoran scoffed. "Just because you are old enough to be all our fathers – including Kinomoto-san's, which, in a round about way, you are – does not make you a real man. It hardly makes you a man."
"Semantics, my dear descendant," Eriol brushed off. "Come, Tomoyo-dearest. Your chariot awaits."
"Oh no you don't," Touya growled, stopping Eriol in his tracks. "Sit," he said before handing Eriol a fodder of paper similar to that Syaoran was carefully perusing.
"'Agreement for dating Kinomoto Touya's Evil Camera Wielding Second Cousin (Ratified by Daidouji Sonomi). I the undersigned Hiragizawa Eriol agree to comply with the following conditions on pain of death . . .'
"Okay, two questions," Eriol began as he trailed off. "Firstly, how come I get killed, and Syaoran-kun only gets really badly beaten?"
"Because Syaoran-kun," Touya answered patronizingly, "has to live with his mistake and will be routinely subject to blows in a Prometheus sort of way. Next question?"
"How did you make this so fast?"
"You weren't the only one who saw it coming," Touya shrugged. "Now hurry up, brat," he added, turning to Syaoran, "I have to get that thing notarised by 5."
SCHEDULE 4: List of Acceptable Males
The following males are deemed acceptable and may touch/approach/'get close' to the sister without repercussion:
Kinomoto Fujitaka
Kinomoto Touya
Amamiya Masaki
Amamiya Daisuke
Yamazaki Takashi
Tsukishiro Yukito
Cerberus
Yue
"You do realize those last three are technically genderless?" Syaoran asked drolly, clearly peeved that he was not on the list of 'safe males' even though he had been warned in advance and Touya had given every indication that although he had accepted their relationship, he would never like him. "And need I remind you that Tsukishiro-san and Yue are the same cough cough* person."
"I really don't see why that's an issue," Touya replied in the same droll tone.
"And how come Takashi gets on the list and I don't!?" Syaoran fumed, letting his temper get the best of him. "He's always telling her lies and pulling tricks on her. Don't you want to protect her from that?"
"Not my job," Touya answered with an unexpected shrug that made Syaoran blink at him in surprise. "Number eleven," he explained with an almost soft tone. "It's your job now."
And with nothing more to say, Syaoran just nodded, understanding that Touya was offering more than just a truce. He reciprocated the gesture in kind, carefully drawing out the characters of his name.
Signed: 李 小狼 (Li Syaoran) March 4 2003.