DESIDERATA
A/N: The wording "Taste Sensation" to describe Bella's hot, tasty heine (sp??) is brought to you by fantabulous reader Ori1. Thanks for the suggestion! Those bunners are just for you! And to my deliciously delectable online wife, NaughtySparkle, I owe thanks for three of the movie references made in this chapter: Garden State, Ghost World, and Rushmore. You totes inspire me, bb!
Things I own: An obsession with three things, in no particular order: Twilight/FFn; Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson; and Alice in Wonderland. Actually, that's a load of crap. Rob Pattinson always comes first. KWIM?
Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyer.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: STORMY WEATHER
"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind." – Shakespeare
EPOV
All in all, the first week of shooting has gone about as well as can be expected. Tanya hasn't had any diva attacks, Jacob Black is getting up to speed quickly, and Jasper hasn't disappeared with Alice. The Quileutes have been doing a bang up job with security, and while the locals have shown up in force, they have been, for the most part, very supportive and respectful. None of the crap you see going down on movie sets in NYC or LA, for example, where the crowds are positively out of control. One more thing to be said for filming in the middle of Buttfuck, USA. Sorry, Forks, but it is the naked truth.
In fact, the only problem that I've had involves Bella Swan. I see her everywhere; the Wonderland Café coffee cart is somehow ubiquitous on the set. We've only had a few direct conversations, but it is the distraction of seeing her that is driving me insane. I'm trying so hard to concentrate, and I've never had to do that before. Making a film is pretty routine for me at this point, and I love the process. Why, then, am I having such troubles with this particular film?
On the first day of shooting, I discovered that Bella and I both have a Moleskine fetish. I was totally, but pleasantly, surprised by this news. We were flirting a bit, and some sexual innuendos were tossed out. I suddenly got flustered, like I always seem to do in her presence, and grabbed what I thought was my notebook. It wasn't until that night, when I was alone in my room, that I discovered my mistake—I accidentally grabbed Bella's notebook rather than my own. I am instantly mortified, because I know what is in my notebook: Sketches and doodles of Bella.
Fuck, how could I be so stupid?
Now I have to figure out A) How to switch notebooks with Bella as though it is no big deal, and B) How to explain why I was sketching her in mine.
As long as I have her notebook in my possession, however, I can't help but look it over. I assume it will provide me with some insight into Bella Swan. I know that it is wrong to look through it, but I just can't seem to help myself. I want to find out what makes her tick, because I can't for the life of me figure her out otherwise. It is an amalgamation of quotes, political cartoons, song lyrics, newspaper clippings, and personal observations. To my fascination, I see quotes from many of our films in her notebook, including a few direct quotes of mine. Even the intertwined Masen Masterworks "MM" logo is sketched on one page. I'm shocked, to say the least; she often treats me like a pariah, as if she has no interest at all in me or my movies. Is it possible that she might be as interested in me as I am in her?
I find her notebook absolutely spellbinding, and read it for hours when I should be asleep, or at least reviewing tomorrow's logistics, instead. It is fascinating learn that Bella's innermost thoughts are so deep and intelligent; there is so much more to her than meets the eye. In looking at her, she appears to be all attitude and nonchalance. Internally, however, she appears sensitive, self-conscious, and rather private. How someone as snarky as Bella can be so different on the inside is a mystery to me. I wonder if I will ever fully grasp her temperament; her mind is now as alluring to me as her body. I feel bewitched. All I know for certain is that she is the only woman who's never fawned all over me. There's nothing that disturbs me, or provokes my ire, more than sycophants. It appears as though she has just as much disdain for people like that as do I.
I find myself laughing at certain entries in her Moleskine, thinking seriously about others, wondering where she found most of this information. It's quite incredible to me that someone would take the time to collect all these details, thoughts, and emotions for no other reason than simple interest. It's not as though she needs to collect these details for work. What would drive someone to do this? It is the answer to that question, I think, that has left me so intrigued with this woman.
To my utter shock, many of her entries are sexual in nature. When you see Bella Swan, she appears to be a tomboy—she's so different in appearance than most of the women in whom I've been interested. But she has this amazing dichotomy between feminine and masculine. She's so beautiful, so feminine by design, it's almost like she is using her witty t-shirts and jeans to ward off anyone who might otherwise be interested in her sexually. The combination of her smartass wit and clothing builds an impressive wall around her, but I see through all that now. No surprise to me, her notebook entries leave my cock achingly trapped within my jeans yet again. There is no end to the number of times a day that woman has me to sprouting wood; it's as if she is causing me to revert back to my adolescence. I certainly haven't whacked off this frequently since I was 17.
Every time I walk past the coffee cart and see the sign "Bella's Buns," the words taste sensation linger in my mind. I hunger to taste her sensational body. I imagine the noises she would make and how amazing it would be to hear her scream out my name as she cums. Sometimes I see her bent over, reaching for something behind the cart. At those moments, all I can think about is coming up behind her, bending over her, burying my nose behind her ear, wrapping my arm around her waist, and pulling her ass into my hard cock. Just the thought makes me shiver involuntarily. If she only knew the truth, her face would be ten shades of red. God, would I love to see that!
Bella Swan is a young woman who grew up in a small town, has a Chief of Police for a father, and lives a simple existence as a baker in Forks, Washington. Our spheres of influence couldn't be more different. I grew up in Chicago, the son of wealthy parents, attended private schools, and work in the film industry with some rather big names. Our lives up to this point couldn't be more dissimilar. I try to imagine Bella on my arm at a premiere, attending a publicity junket, or at a fundraising benefit. The scoffs I would receive in introducing her into such situations wouldn't be subtle, nor would they be unwarranted. As much as I would really love to see her next to me, my world isn't designed to readily accept someone like Bella Swan.
Now that I have thoroughly reviewed her notebook, I need to figure out a way to get it back to her. I don't want it to appear as though I have thoroughly rifled through it, even though I have. Would she have done the same with my notebook? I smile to myself, thinking how ironic it is that two people who are seemingly unable to communicate with each other can discover hidden secrets through notes jotted in private moments. I decide that the best course of action is to merely pretend it was all an innocent accident, which, of course, it was, and return her notebook to her as if I haven't seen a thing. Hopefully, she will play along with the ruse, and save us both the embarrassment of admitting to seeing each other's privates.
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APOV
While I haven't been spending as much time on the Masen set as Bella this past week, I have talked to Jasper every time I've been there. I haven't learned a ton about him, but I almost feel like I don't need to. I've never had a connection with someone that is this strong—the force of his pull to me is undeniable. I'm nearly certain he feels it, too. I can't help but question myself, though, because he is a major movie star. In what universe could the two of us end up happily together? I'm very clearly denying what I see in front of me based on how it isn't possible, rather than how it might just be; I can't help myself.
On Sunday afternoon, I'm scheduled to take over from Bella on site. The café is closed tomorrow, so we are both planning on hanging out together at the cart. I haven't had much time to see her this week; we've been like two ships passing in the night. Plus, we want the chance to catch up on gossip, especially on what Lauren and Jessica have been up to, and with whom.
As I listen to the weather report Sunday morning, the forecast is for heavier rains than we typically get in April. I wonder how that might affect the shooting schedule, if at all. I text Bella with the update.
Hey bb…torrent rains 4cast. U heard? – A
Lovely. As per usual. See u at 3:00? – B
Yep. Need anything? – A
Margarita, aleve, jammies. Cullen gives me headache, I'm cold. – B
I'll bring aleve. Otherwise SOL, bb. – A
TY. C U l8tr. – B
I shake my head at Bella and laugh. She's even funny when she is texting. God, I love that girl.
I hear the familiar ring of our bell at the door to the café. I look up to see Jasper Whitlock walking towards me.
"And what, Miss Alice, is so funny this lovely day?"
"Why hello there, Mr. Whitlock," I smile back at him, shocked to find him standing in front of me. "My funny friend Bella is making me laugh. Like always."
"I would love to get to know her a little better, because my good friend seems to be a little interested in her. I could probably never get him to admit to that, though. Let's just keep that one a secret between ourselves for now, hmm?"
"Really? Mr. Cullen? I'm a little shocked, to be honest. I never got that impression from him."
"Like I told you the very day we met, Edward is a really private guy, but one of the best dudes I've ever known. He'll bend over backwards for a friend or family, and his integrity is flawless. But enough about Edward. Tell me something about yourself."
"There isn't really much to say. I'm a pretty simple kind of girl who lives a simple kind of life."
"Now, I really doubt that, Miss Alice. I imagine that underneath it all, you're really lovely. You are quite a fascinating woman."
"Are we quoting No Doubt lyrics today?" I giggle, as I recognize we just quoted two of their songs unintentionally. "I'm certainly not as fascinating as you are, Mr. Whitlock."
"Pssh. Don't buy into the publicity machine. I keep dirty socks on my floor and forget to re-stock my refrigerator, just like any other guy you meet."
"You know, I'll be coming to the set when I'm finished up here today. We should hang out together when you don't have any scenes to film."
"Actually, I happen to have the rest of the day off, unless Edward decides to bust my butt and change his shooting schedule. That sounds like a great way to spend the evening. Plus, it is raining cats and dogs outside, and sitting in front of a warm fire tonight sounds like just the right speed for me. What do you say?"
"I say whatever took you so long to ask?"
"Let me go get a few things arranged, and I'll meet you at the Oceanside later. Okay with you, sugar pie?"
"Sounds like a plan, honey bear," I say as I give him a little coy glance.
I watch Jasper Whitlock's fine ass as he walks out the door, wanting to take a big bite out of it. Or at least goose him as often as he'll let me…
*******************************************
EPOV
Rosalie arrives on the set around noon to give me the latest weather report. The rain that has been falling lightly all day is getting heavier, and, according to the latest report, is going to become torrential by this evening. I snatch the report from Rose's hands and read it for myself.
"Dammit, this blows to hell the plans I had for shooting tonight. Have you heard how long the rain is supposed to last?"
"Edward, it is the state of Washington, and the month of April. I'm fairly certain it will last for another 8 weeks."
"Very funny, Rose."
"I haven't heard the predictions, but they told me to tell you that when torrential rains hit, they've been known to wash out roads and houses."
"Shit, that screws up everything! I guess we'll have to just review the logistics and try to shoot some indoor scenes."
"Hey, I asked you why you had to film in the state of Washington, if you recall. I think you should have opted for CGI and done the entire project in LA."
"You know, for a Personal Assistant, you're awfully opinionated. Last time I checked, I was the director of this film."
"So sue me. Just do whatever it takes to get the hell out of Dodge, and fast. Can't you pay someone to make the rain stop? You are Edward Cullen, after all."
"Well gee, Rose, now that you put it that way, I'm sure I can arrange something. I'll get right on that."
"Whatever, Edward. I'm going back to my room to hibernate and hope this is all over by the time I pop my head out again."
*********************************************
JPOV
I'm trying to be very careful with Alice Brandon, taking things slowly, just getting to know her. This is all very new to me, wanting someone who was outside of the Hollywood scene. Somehow, though, I feel as though I've known Alice forever, and have the rest of my life in front of me to uncover every facet of her interesting mind. She is adorable, petite, funny, beautiful, and the biggest breath of fresh air I've ever met. My goal is to spend as much time as possible with her now, in order to spend the rest of my life with her later. Those words would typically scare the crap out of me, but for whatever reason, with Alice, it is like settling into the most comfortable blanket imaginable; why would I ever resist something like that?
From the looks of the weather, we are going to be on house arrest for at least the rest of the day. I intend to use that time to just be with Alice, and see where things go from there. I've never been so enchanted with another person before, and it is both thrilling and scary. I talked to the manager of the Oceanside, Billy Black, and had him hunt down my favorite bottles of wine. I have one behind my back when I approach Alice at the coffee cart.
"Miss Alice, I'm wondering if you would like to play hooky with me this afternoon."
"What do you mean? I need to be at our cart. I thought we weren't going to hang out until later tonight?"
"Actually, you don't have to be at your cart. It looks like we are going to be out of commission for awhile due to the rain." I pull the wine out from behind my back. "Could I interest you in sharing this incredible bottle of wine with me, my fair young maiden?" I bow down, grab her hand, and kiss it gently.
Alice's beautiful, perfect smile graces her face. "Why, I can't think of anything I'd like to do more. Let me coordinate things with Bella, and then you and I can get down to business."
"Now that's what I'm talking about! I'll be waiting for you right here, sugar."
***************************
BPOV
I'm feeling particularly snarky this morning, so I pull out one of my favorite t-shirts: Sarcasm, just one more service I offer. I figure, what the hell. This one shouldn't bother anyone in particular, any more than my other ones would. It seems relatively harmless.
I have the day off from baking duties tomorrow because it is a Monday, even though I still have to work the coffee cart. Alice and I plan to do it together; it will be nice to spend some time with her.
By noon, Alice texts me to let me know torrential rains are on their way, and that she will be by around 3:00 to relieve me of my duties. Then I can go home and get some much-needed R+R.
I bend over to put my cell phone back in the cart, when I hear a voice come up behind me.
"I think I've finally figured you out."
I quickly stand up and turn around to face none other than Edward Cullen. His eyes are cast downward, and if I didn't know any better, I would swear he was checking out my ass.
"Oh, really? Because I haven't figured me out, so I don't know how you could've done that after barely knowing me for a month."
"Well, I know you enough to recognize that, based on the shirt you are wearing on a given day, that's what you're feeling. It lets people know ahead of time whether or not to approach you."
Fuck. How could he get that about me? He's such an arrogant asshat, did he actually pull his head out of his ass long enough to figure that out? I'm all astonishment!
"So I guess you think you're pretty clever, hmm, Cullen? Looks like now I'll need to step up my game in order to foil any of your future attempts to understand me. I promise to rise at your every attempt to intimidate me."
"You have to know enough about me by now to know that there's nothing I love more than a good challenge."
"You know, try as I might, I simply can't figure you out—every time I think I've got you down, you turn around and surprise me. You, Mr. Cullen, are an utter enigma."
He bristles at my comment. "I can't help being private; it's just my nature. I don't think that's such a heinous crime. I just don't feel comfortable in announcing to the world how I feel about things. Unlike certain people I know, I don't wear my opinion on my sleeve, or, rather, on my shirt. You certainly have no qualms in being outspoken, no matter how little you know a person. I'm just not an extrovert."
"Hey, hang on a sec—just because I'm outspoken doesn't mean I'm extroverted! My comments don't necessarily reveal anything deeply personal. I suspect that I may be as internally-driven as you are, Cullen, I just happen to be a snark on top of everything. It helps to keep the wolves at bay."
"I guess I've never really looked at the matter from that perspective before. Being outspoken and extroverted aren't necessarily the same thing."
"Like I said."
"Well, regardless, I came over to tell you that we won't be needing your services any more today—apparently, we are being inundated with torrential rain this afternoon, which messes up the shooting schedule for the remainder of the day. We're packing up and heading back to the Oceanside. You're certainly welcome to join us there, if you'd like. I believe most of the cast and crew will be holing up at the River's Edge Restaurant."
"Are you referring to my sarcasm services or my coffee services?" I snort to myself. "Wait, are you asking me to hang out there? With you?"
"Actually, I mean to give you back your notebook; it appears as though we accidentally grabbed each other's Moleskines yesterday, and I want to have the chance to return it to you. I forgot it back in my room. Of course, it doesn't matter to me in the slightest what you decide to do tonight. The choice is always yours."
"Wow, don't knock yourself out there with enthusiasm. I don't want you to pass out as you're bending over backwards for me."
Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind seeing you bend over. Just getting a long, hard glimpse of your hot ass would make my day. Not helping, Bella!
"I just don't want you to feel compelled to do something you don't want to do, that's all."
"Umm, in case you haven't met me before, Mr. Cullen, my name is Bella Swan. I'm not
known for being suckered into doing things I don't particularly want to do. Sound familiar?"
"Are you providing me with the service of sarcasm right now? Just so I'm clear on this."
I had to grin at that. He is a complete and total asshat, but he can be clever sometimes, it's just usually when he isn't trying to be. And fuck me if he still isn't the most beautiful man I've ever laid my eyes on, damn him.
"Yes, that is exactly the service I just provided. Did you happen to fail reading my shirt today? Remember, that's your clue on how to approach me."
"I do seem to recall hearing that somewhere. Do you need any assistance getting the coffee cart loaded into your beast?"
"Hey, call me whatever names you want, but no slanderous names for my favorite possession."
"Look, are you coming to the Oceanside or not?"
"Just hold your horses, Kimosabe! Alice and Jasper are going to be here any minute, and
I'll get them to help me with this. Where should I meet you?"
"Just ask Billy Black when you get there where my cabin is located. I'll make sure your notebook is ready to go."
"You aren't thinking of trying any funny business, are you, mister?" Edward gets an appalled, shocked look on his face. "Relax, it's just that sarcasm thing again. You're going to have to get used to that, you know."
Edward Asshat Cullen-Sullen breaks into this sexy little sideways smirk, looks me directly in the eyes, and says, "You know, a sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility."
He walks away, giving me a fine view of that hot ass I was thinking about earlier. Fuck me if that isn't all I can think about for about 30 seconds straight.
*************************************
Jasper and Alice finally show up on scene, and help me get the coffee cart secured in my truck. We decide to place a tarp over it since we don't know how much rain we'll actually get. I let them know that I need to head to the Oceanside to get something from Edward, and they both look at each other, surprised. When I explain about the Great Notebook Switcheroo of '09, they both just nod their heads slowly up and down, as if to say, "Riiiight." Fuckers.
I make my way over to the Oceanside, grateful that it isn't far, because the rain truly is torrential now. My truck can handle just about any kind of weather, she is sturdy as an ox, but when you can only go a maximum speed of 40 MPH without having the frame rattle and roll, it is a bit self-limiting. Add on top of that the fact that the roads are getting downright vicious to navigate, I'm so glad to just make it to the resort in one piece.
I'm directed towards Edward's cabin, and the door swings open before I even have a chance to knock. Edward motions for me to enter, and I do so a bit warily. He makes me pretty fricking nervous, to be honest, and being all alone with him in a secluded cabin? I'm not sure if I can be held responsible for any of my actions, particularly the amorous kind. I'm not sure what it is about torrential rain, but the horny virgin in me strikes with a vengeance.
Shitfuckgoddamnasswipemotherfucker. He is so delectably tasty, I want a bite. I think that just about covers all the curse words in my personal lexicon.
As I step inside, he hands me my notebook. I remove my messenger bag from my shoulder and pull his notebook out. We do a kind of hand off where we're both holding the notebooks at the same time, almost like we don't trust the other person to give it back.
"Okay, on the count of three, let's let go. 1-2-3, NOW!"
I faked him out, he faked me out. We're left the same way as before we started: I'm still holding his notebook, he still has mine.
"Why didn't you let go?" he asks.
"I didn't think you were going to let go."
"This doesn't bode well for our mutual trust in one another, does it?"
"Ah, no, I guess it doesn't."
We try it again, this time with no fanfare, and successfully retain ownership of our proper notebooks. I start to giggle, and he gives me the sideways smirk again.
I'm going to need to work on my resistance to that smirk. It kinda goes straight to my girlie parts whenever I see it.
"You know, the rain doesn't appear to be abating; are you sure it is safe to head back into Forks? It is quite a drive from here, and it's starting to get dark. I'd hate for you to get stranded in the middle of this, especially in that old heap you drive."
"Cullen, it is 14 miles to Forks; I'm sure I can make it in one piece. And quit with the knocking of my truck already! She has gotten me around the Olympic Peninsula for years, and isn't likely to conk out anytime soon!"
"Touchy, much? Too bad you don't have a Volvo. They're very reliable cars. It took awhile for Rose to hunt one down for me with the rental company, but she finally did, thank god. That woman can work miracles."
"Yeah, a stupid, shiny, silver Volvo would be perfect for hauling around stuff for the café. In fact, the coffee cart would fit sooooo easily into the trunk. Now why didn't I think of that earlier? Clearly, a Volvo is a very useful car here in Forks." Edward Cullen has me completely exasperated once again. I wonder why I let him affect me like this.
"Edward, why do you dislike everything so much?"
He looks completely surprised by my question. "I don't know, Bella, why do you misunderstand everything?"
"You know, I think we should just call this a stalemate and leave it at that. I need to get home anyway."
Edward Cullen takes a few steps towards me, until he is close enough for me to see his intense green eyes clearly. "Bella, I have no intention of letting you drive in this weather."
I take a step back to escape his gaze. "Edward, it isn't your decision."
Another step. "Don't be an idiot. It is way too hazardous out there to drive."
I find myself against the door; there is nowhere left to go. I feel like the cat being pursued by Pepe le Pew in Looney Toons. I want to escape from Edward Cullen, but there is no way out.
"I've been driving in Forks for five years now, and I know what I'm doing!"
I can see Edward's nostrils flare. His eyes are suddenly very dark, and his breathing picks up. His face is inching closer to mine, and I close my eyes to escape his intensity.
Suddenly, my phone rings. Oh thank god, saved by the bell!
Edward shakes his head, as if he's been hypnotized. I fumble around my bag for my phone.
"Yeah, pipsqueak, what do you need?"
"Bella—where are you?"
"I'm standing in Edward Cullen's cabin at the moment. I just got my notebook and I was planning to head home."
"No way, missy—it is way too rainy out there. Did you forget your coffee this morning, sweetie? You just aren't thinking very clearly--you know the roads might get washed out!"
"Alice, I really just want to get home and go to bed. I'll be fine."
"I was actually calling you to see if you want to hang out with Jasper and me for the night. Billy has an extra room available to give us, since Jacob can stay at home if he wants to. Please, Bella? It would mean so much to me if you could get to know Jasper a little bit better."
"Aw, Ali, no! Please!"
"Bellllla, am I your best friend in the world or not?"
"Yes. You are my best friend in the world. You know you just used your trump card, by the way. That's the last one for the year, and it is only April. Be sure you are choosing...wisely."
"Yesss!" I hear her squeal the good news to Jasper. "We're in cabin #14."
I hang up the phone to see Edward still staring at me, inches from my face. "Soo, I guess
I'm going to go hang out with Alice and…" I'm interrupted by Edward's phone ringing.
"Yes, Jasper?" His eyes are still on me as he answers his phone.
"Okay. I'll be there in a few." As he hangs up his phone, he says to me, "Well, Ms. Swan, it appears that you and I have a date with destiny, because I have also been invited to join Jasper and Alice."
Holy fuck. Now what?
********************************
We've been drinking for hours, and we're all well lit. Even Mr. Cullen-Sullen has lightened up a bit; he can actually be funny. Who knew?
As the night wears on, Alice and Jasper start having a more intimate conversation, which leaves me more or less alone with the Asshat. We get on the topic of movies, and oh man, does this guy need to be schooled. He thinks he knows everything about movies. I'm wanting to prove to him that a little mousey girl from Forks, Washington can know just as much as a overly-educated, pompous, pretentious LA director.
"Edward Cullen, your ego is the size of Guam! It qualifies to have its own senator!"
"Swan, don't be ridiculous. I majored in film studies, I direct films, I work in the film
industry. Of course I know a lot about it! How could I possibly know less than you?"
Admittedly, I'm feeling no pain at this point, so my confidence level may be unguardedly high. I propose a quote-off. I know I can do this with my eyes closed. Umm, I'm pretty sure I can do this with my eyes closed. Right?
Of course, Mr. Smirky meets me head for head. "A quote-off? From famous movies, you mean? Pssh, no problem. Game on."
"Okay, so here's the rules. The first one who can't name the movie loses. Deal?"
"Deal. Except it has to verifiable."
"Who's gonna verify, Cullen? I'm just supposed to trust you?"
"Well, obviously that's going to cause you problems, so no, we'll use Google and my iPhone."
I eye him warily, making sure he isn't trying to pull a fast one. "Okay, deal. Let's shake on it."
Edward reaches out his hand, and we shake. We're looking each other directly in the eyes. Neither one of us is willing to let go of the other's hand. It starts to get a little awkward. Suddenly, Edward pulls away.
"Wait, what happens to the winner and loser?"
"Um, how about the loser is a loser?"
"Oh, very creative, Swan. I think we can come up with something more enticing than that."
"You sound really sure of yourself, Smirkyboy."
"What did you just call me?"
"You heard me, Smirkyboy."
"You're absolutely ridiculous, you know that, right?"
"Are you weasling out of the game because you're afraid the little baker girl is gonna pwn you?"
"Nice try, but no. I'm not going to lose. And we still haven't decided what the winner and loser get."
"Okay, Mr. Smug. How about the winner gets whatever they want?"
"What, like a million dollars? A nice, new, shiny, silver Volvo?"
"Nope. How about something real—like bragging rights?"
"I hardly need bragging rights from you, Bella," he smirks. Dick.
"Oh, just you wait to be schooled, Cullen. You won't know what hit you."
"Bring it on, Swan. I'm waiting."
I rub my hands together and decide to start slowly. I've got some choice ones, but no need to bring out the big guns until later.
"Okay…'Sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.'"
"Pshh. Raising Arizona. Umm, 'Honey, this sure is great coffee.'"
"Amateur. Witness. 'I feel an overwhelming sense of ickiness.'"
"That's not my problem!" The smug bastard laughs. "Swan, the 'ickiness' gives it away! Clueless. 'I can't believe you're not really retarded.'"
"Fuck you, asshole! I'm just as smart as you are!"
"Simmer down, Swan. That was the quote."
I blush deep, deep shades of red. "Oh, yeah, right. I knew that. Umm, Garden State?"
"Correct."
I sit there for a moment, trying to come up with a really good one. I want to get him back after his last quote, because I'm certain that he meant it as a dig. " 'After about five minutes of this movie, you're gonna wish you had ten beers,'" I smile, very self-satisfied.
"Trying to send me a message, Bella? It's Ghost World." I nod my head that he got it right.
" 'I guess you've gotta find something you love to do and then …do it for the rest of your life.' "
I can picture it. It stars Jason Schwartzman. Bill Murray. Private school…then it comes to me. "Rushmore!"
"Very good, my young Padawan learner."
I roll my eyes. Like he is some movie guru instilling his wisdom into my puny brain.
I clap my hands and rub them together. This is getting good. I know just the quote. " 'I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?' "
He scoffs. "I practically wrote the screenplay for that film, I've seen it so many times. So unimaginative, I'm a little disappointed in you, Bella. The Princess Bride. I have one that is sure to stump you. 'Tradition is the illusion of permanence.'"
Shit. It's Woody Allen, but which one??? Think, Bella, think!
"If I didn't know better, Miss Swan, I would say that face means you are STUMPED." He says, tapping his pointer finger on my temple. It leaves a tingly sensation and I can't think about anything else for a moment.
"Now just a minute…we never said there was a time limit. Just hold on to your ass, I'll get it. Do I at least get partial credit for knowing the director?"
"Oh my god, it's only been a couple of quotes and you're already crying wolf?"
"Absolutely not, asshole! Okay, Deconstructing Harry?"
"Yes, dammit!"
Hehehe. Got him!
"See, this little girl ain't such a pushover, now, is she? Uh, hang on, let me get a good one. 'The word itself makes men uncomfortable. Vagina.'"
"Oh, come on, you think throwing the word 'vagina' in there is going to make me balk? The Big Lebowski. All right, babycakes, 'The things you own end up owning you.'"
"Oh, right, and just because I'm a chick I've never watched Fight Club. You're so fucking predictable. Try this one on for size, limp noodle: 'You turned out to be all I was looking for—the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle.'"
Edward suddenly looks panicked, and I cannot imagine why. Does he not know this quote—seriously? "Edward, what's wrong?"
He shakes his head back and forth. "Oh, did you just throw a quote in there? You caught me off guard for a minute. I must be drunker than I thought."
"So, do you know the movie, or not?"
"Say it again, please." He swallows hard.
"I don't recall that repeats were part of the rules, but I'll give you a freebie this time." I clear my throat and crack my knuckles for dramatic emphasis. 'You turned out to be all I was looking for—the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle.'"
Edward pauses again. I notice that he is swallowing very hard.
Oh my sweet jeebus, that Adam's apple. I just want to lick it. I notice the deep crevice between his collarbones is asking me to lick it, too. I want to nibble on those delicious collarbones.
I return to reason and remember he hasn't answered me yet. I start to giggle uncontrollably.
"Swan, I haven't forfeited yet. Don't get all cocky, now."
He strokes his chin with those amazingly long, elegant fingers as he ponders the answer. "Oh yeah, Chasing Amy. 'When do you get to the point, when two people love each other, that enough is enough? The correct answer is never.'"
"The Mexican. 'Some day, you will find someone who will have a greater hold on your affections than I do. The most important journey of your life will be to find her.'"
"Nicholas Nickleby. I love Dickens. I've seen all those movies dozens of times! Okay, how about…'I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail.'"
"Duh, Pulp Fiction. I'd also like a Royale with Cheese. Goddamn, I love that movie."
We both crack up. I'm laughing so hard I start to snort. My snorting makes Edward laugh harder. He's wiping tears from his eyes.
As our laughter starts to die down, I notice that Jasper and Alice have made themselves scarce. I turn around and search the room. It is eerily quiet, and I suddenly hear the wind and rain outside. It sounds like a freight train, and I can't imagine how I didn't notice it before.
I whisper loudly to Edward, "Where do you think Alice and Jasper ran off to?"
Edward uses his head to gesture to the bedroom door, which is, apparently, closed. Our eyes meet each other's, and we start giggling again. I put my pointer finger over my mouth and grab his hand in mine. We slowly, dramatically, sneak over towards the closed door, like we're Scooby Doo and the gang, but I trip along the way and end up on top of Edward. My face is inches from his, and our crotches are somewhat embarrassingly and inconveniently tangled up together. I notice his hard on at once, and my eyes grow bigger. Shit, the horny virgin has reappeared. Edward props himself up on his elbows, causing me to inadvertently straddle his lap. His face is so close to mine, I can feel his breath on my lips. We're both starting to pant a little bit, and before I can catch what I'm doing, I start dry humping his rock hard cock. He groans out loud, which makes me realize what I'm doing. I quickly jump to my feet, completely flustered. Edward has this annoyingly adorable half-smile on his face, all full of smug confidence.
"What?" I ask, pretending like nothing just went down, even though I'm well aware that something definitely went down. As in, down south. Of the border. As in, oh my god, I just humped Edward Cullen!
"You like me, Bella Swan! Admit it!"
I act like the man is crazy. "As if! I just happened to accidentally fall on your crotch—I certainly wasn't there by choice!"
Edward stands up, his peen still at full mast, but he's trying to hide it. It isn't something that can be easily stowed below deck, believe me.
"Oh come on, you practically fucked me right there on the floor! Admit it!"
I feel the blush come on fast and furiously. "I've never even had sex before, you ass!" My voice comes out smaller than I expected, cracking. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I turn away from him so he can't see.
His voice comes out softer this time. "What, Bella?"
I'm wiping off my tears with as much subtlety as I can manage. "Fuck you, Edward. Just because you're part of the flashy Hollywood scene doesn't mean you have the license to make fun of my lack of experience. I live in Forks, Washington, what did you expect?"
He swallows, and I ogle that luscious, tempting Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "You're a virgin?"
Why is that so hard to believe? Do I seem like a small town skank or something? "Yeah, Edward, I'm a virgin. I've never had sex. Is that so weird?"
"Well, now that you ask, it is a little unusual for a 21 year old woman, I guess. But that isn't bad. It's just unexpected."
"Yeah, well if you grew up in Forks, you'd probably be a virgin, too. The thought of losing it just for the sake of losing it with some of the fucktards here never appealed to me."
"Wow, that's impressive. You held out."
"How do you know I ever got the chance, Edward?"
"Come on, Bella. You had to have been asked before. I refuse to believe you never had the opportunity."
"Edward, I never had the opportunity, believe me. Ever. Not once."
Edward Cullen then does something most unexpected. He grabs my chin, lifts my face, and leans in to kiss me. Kiss me! Like he's doing me a fucking favor!
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Bella, I was trying to kiss you. I didn't think you'd have a temper tantrum over it."
"What makes you think I want to kiss you? Just because I haven't messed around, I'm going to be grateful to you for taking pity on me?"
"What are you talking about? I just felt like kissing you. That's all! There isn't any other motivation at work here. Actually, I thought you might be excited by the prospect, given that you were humping the hell out of my junk a few seconds ago."
I stand there with my mouth open for at least a minute. Does he really think that I'm that desperate? Then it dawns on me: "Oh my god, I finally figured it out! You're just like Mr. Darcy! And I mean Mr. Darcy in the beginning of the book, not at the end. You know, the proud, ego-filled, asshat Mr. Darcy! That's totally you!" I'm running around in circles and laughing maniacally.
"Bella Swan, you are the most annoying, stubborn woman I have ever met in my life! You know, most women would be flattered to be kissed by me. I'm nothing like Mr. Darcy. Apparently, you've spent too much time in a dream world of your own creation while letting real life opportunities pass you by. The only reason you are a virgin, Miss Swan, is because you choose to be. God forbid you should ever let any man close enough to you that he would want to try!"
"Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your fancy life, your stupid silver Volvo, your trust fund, and your red carpet! You are by far the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life! Just get the hell away from me!" I'm swatting at his hands like a madwoman, and I run towards the nearest door. It's the bathroom, and I lock myself in to escape from Pepe le Pew once again.
I sink down to the floor, pull my knees up to my chest, and start to cry. Loud, bursting, hiccupping sobs. And I wish to god I had never met the asshole otherwise known as Edward Cullen.