DESIDERATA
A/N: During the EPOV in this chapter, just remember that this is Edward's perspective; he isn't necessarily going to have the same recall that Bella does. Memory is a tricky thing, and no one remembers things exactly as they occur.
Things I own: A crazy dog and two crazy cats who think sitting on me and/or walking on my keyboard is somehow "helpful." It's not. Just sayin'.
Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyer.
All my thanks and boobie motorboating to NaughtySparkle, who actually willingly reads/betas this story before I post it. If that doesn't qualify her for a Nobel Peace Prize, I'm not sure what will.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: PERCEPTIONS AND PERSPECTIVES
"People hunt for the person who somehow gets us closer to the dream of who we hope to become." – Source Unknown
EPOV
As Bella Swan walks away from me across the parking lot, I am stunned. I am in awe. I am mystified. I am bewitched. Quite simply, I've never experienced half of the emotions that have plagued my mind over the past 48 hours. Between the movie quote off, the card game, the kisses, the fondling, and Bella's Buns, I feel as though I've been struck on the side of the head with a baseball bat. I've always considered myself a man of reason, someone who is pragmatic, sensible, and intelligent. Now all I know for certain is that Bella has turned my brain to mush, my cock into stone, made my work impossibly difficult to focus upon, and has me frustrated to no end.
If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that it is almost as if I am compelled love Bella against my will. Wait, love? Seriously? Truthfully, that's exactly how I feel—I have no control over the depth of my feelings for this beautiful vixen from Forks, Washington.
I have never before in my life experienced this many erections in a forty-eight hour period. Erections is actually a misnomer; it is more like one big, long, painful, impossibly hard erection. Even my seventh grade crush on Victoria Volturi resulted in fewer hard ons than does Bella Swan. Despite knowing what my family, friends, and associates might think of a liaison with Bella, I still cannot quench my irrational, raging desire for her.
When I arrive at the restaurant, Bella is already here with Jasper and Alice. I need to get my schedule reworked with my Assistant Director, Eric Yorkie. As we are meeting, I can't help but look over at Bella from time to time—I feel a magnetic force pulling me constantly in her direction. I catch her staring back at me, and she immediately turns bright red. She quickly looks away when I notice, but it makes me realize that she feels something for me, too. For all her snarkiness, it may just be that Bella Swan is as intrigued by me as I am by her. I quickly walk over to her table, because I can't help myself; I just need to be near her for a while in order to set my world back on its axis.
When I sit down to talk to Bella, she immediately starts talking about leaving the Ocean Side and going home. Just when I feel like I'm making headway with her, she uproots herself and leaves? Why would she do that? I get the sense that she wants to get as far away from the movie set as possible, and probably because it involves me. I try to subtly convince her that it is worth it for her to stay, but in the middle of my diatribe, Bella's mother walks in with James in tow. I watch Bella physically shrink in size, as if she is hiding herself away from being seen. Although Renee's arrival goes unannounced by our table, we all pass a silent look to each other indicating our interest in ignoring the pair all together.
Renee and James look as though they've been fucking like bunnies since last we saw them. While Renee is not an unattractive woman, it is clear that she is worse for the wear of her years. Apparently, she is quite interested in being a cougar, because James is nearly young enough to be her son. I cannot begin to imagine why he is interested in her, but I'm certain there is an ulterior motive; James does nothing that isn't precisely calculated for his own gain. What this bedraggled, messed up woman has that he wants is the mystery of the day. My concern is that Bella will somehow be involved, and I wish with all my heart that she could be spared that pain.
As I'm pondering what James might have up his sleeve, my thoughts are interrupted by the loud, abrasive, outrageous comments Renee is spouting about Bella. While I would prefer to ignore the pair and focus on Bella, it is nearly impossible not to overhear her—she is practically announcing it via megaphone to the entire restaurant. I feel sickened that Bella has to deal with such nonsense in her life. It is true that we cannot pick our parents, but it does give me pause to think about why this woman chose to be a mother. She has the words 'train wreck' written all over her. The pain she brings to Bella is completely intolerable, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Bella looks embarrassed beyond words, and I decide that I should let her deal with this drivel in private; I'm certain it is what she would probably prefer.
I walk over to Eric to see if he's made any progress on the logistical changes, and just as I sit down, my phone rings. Esme.
"Hey, mom! What's up?"
"Do I need an excuse to say hello to my son? And by 'son,' I mean that boy I gave birth to, whom I raised and nurtured, who calls me perhaps once or twice a year. Just so we're all clear on that."
"Wow, isn't it a little early in the day to cut me a new one? What did I do now?"
"Oh, you didn't do anything in particular. I like to give you a hard time. It is one of the job descriptions for 'mother.'"
"Maybe you should send me that job description sometime, so I can be prepared."
"You are such a good boy, Edward, you really are! I'm actually calling to let you know that Carlisle and I decided to come up to Forks to help you get some of the financials reorganized so that you can keep your filming on budget. Obviously there will be a lot of logistics to deal with in the next few days, and we want to support you as much as possible. We plan to arrive tomorrow morning."
"Are you sure you guys have the time to do that? Doesn't dad need to be at the hospital?"
"Edward, we just want you to concentrate on what you do best—don't worry about us. That's what parents are for, after all. Should we meet up with you at the Ocean Side when we arrive?"
"Sure, that sounds fine. You guys can stay in my cabin. Just give me a call when you get here, okay?"
"Sounds great. I can't wait to see you again! Oh, that reminds me—embarrassing your adolescent or young adult son is also on the 'mother' job description. Just so you know."
"Thanks for the warning! Fly safely, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Love you."
"Love you too, my sweet boy."
******************************
As if my crazy desire for Bella Swan's hot buns isn't enough, I have so many headaches to deal with due to the rain delays. I should be focusing completely on getting my plans back on schedule, but I find I'm having difficulty thinking about anything aside from my craving for that woman. In talking it over with my mother, she insisted upon coming to Forks herself to get the schedule issues straightened out for me; too bad I can't have her take care of Bella Swan, too. This is a highly unusual move for her, as she is typically quite hands-off as a producer, but I am grateful for her presence. I know she will be able to help me set my world right. I don't deserve her, but am grateful to be her son nonetheless. As she hammered into my brain when I was younger, "A man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality." Esme Cullen is indeed a force to be reckoned with, and she has made me eternally appreciative of women.
When my mother calls to inform me that they have arrived in Forks, and that she and my father had both seen Bella this morning, I was surprised to learn that they had gone out of their way to stop by the café. Her pretense of needing a "good cup of coffee" fell flat with me—I know my mother better than that. I suspect she had an ulterior motive in stopping to see Bella in particular, but I honestly have no idea as to what that motive might be. At least now both my parents have had the opportunity to meet Bella. I'm curious to hear what my father thinks of her.
I'm trying hard to refocus on the set, but my mind is partially distracted by Bella's presence when she arrives with her coffee cart. I can always tell when she is here, because a sort of electric hum buzzes in my ear. I can see her in the distance, and it's like her ass is a beacon lighting the way for my cock. I want to answer her body's siren song as it calls out to me, fold myself into her luscious curves from behind, and slip my fingers into her mouth for her to lick off the stickiness of one of her Buns. Jesus, I can't believe the extent of my perved-out thoughts—Bella Swan clearly has an unwholesome ability to make my mind switch gears from innocence to pervosity in less than two seconds flat. All I can think of is that she is a witch, and I'm instantly reminded of the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where the villagers capture one of their own and dress her up as a witch: "She's a witch! Burn her!" If only I could throw her into the water to see if she'll float, I would know for certain whether or not she truly is a witch. But a wet Bella would just pop out her high beams, then all I will want to do is get my hands over her spectacular tits. Fuck. Focus, Cullen, for fuck's sake!
Sadly, due to my extreme lack of focus, the camera angles I planned are all off and I find myself requiring them to be moved and repositioned. During that break, I take the opportunity to grab one of Bella's figurative Buns while dreaming about grabbing her literal buns. Since she teased me once about wanting me to put my hands on her buns, and licking my sticky fingers, I take a moment to sneak up on her and tease her by whispering a little innuendo in her ear. She blushes the moment she hears my utterance, much to might delight. Much to my dismay, however, I find that James Masen has suddenly appeared in our midst, trying to steal my thunder. I loathe that individual more than anyone else on this planet—he is in every way my nemesis and I cannot even have the satisfaction of making his life a living hell due to my Aunt Elizabeth's agreement with him. Thus, I am forced to deal with him in a civil manner, when what I would really like to do is, at the very least, completely uncivil, quite possibly involving the removal of his testicles with a blunt, rusty instrument. To find him here, in front of Bella and I, trying to usurp my pathetic attempt at flirting, very nearly has me undone. Where the fuck are the Karma Police when you need them? His Hitler hairdo is seriously making me feel ill! In an effort to avoid causing him significant bodily harm, I force myself to leave the scene of the crime and flirt with Bella another day. I do so most unwillingly; I will just have to wait for another opportunity with Bella.
Seeing James' self-satisfied grin as I walk away very nearly causes me to lose it. I cannot afford to do that in front of the cast and crew, and most importantly, in front of my parents. They have put an inordinate amount of trust in me as the director for their projects, and I refuse to get my hands dirty with people like James. They deserve better than that. I make my way over to the Ocean Side to catch up with my parents.
*****************************
I step into my cabin and I'm greeted with a warm hug from my mother. No matter how old I get, her hugs make me feel so warm and secure. I'll never get tired of them. My dad and I do the man-hug routine, but it is a comfortable embrace, not the stilted awkwardness that some men feel whenever they have to touch each other. Fortunately, there is no sense of homophobia running in the Cullen men's blood.
"Do you have a run down of everything you had to delay over the past few days?"
"Yeah, I ran over it with Eric yesterday." I hand my Moleskine over to my mom. "I have it all tallied on this page."
The notebook falls to the floor as I hand it to my mother. Fuck my luck, Murphy's Law strikes again. Of course, it had to fall open to the drawing of Bella!
My mother and I both reach for the notebook at the same time, and she sees what I so desperately wanted to hide from her. She snatches it away from me.
"Why do you have a drawing of Bella Swan in your executive notebook? And why is the drawing surrounded by doodles of her name?"
Nothing escapes my mother's notice. Fucking NOTHING. "I think you know why."
"Oh, yes, I have my suspicions, but I would very much like to hear it from your point of view."
"Do we really need to do this right now? Isn't it more important to get the film back on track?"
"I can certainly spare a few minutes, especially when it involves hearing about someone who has captured my finicky boy's attention. In fact, I could spare days to hear about that subject."
I'm taken by surprise when my father adds his opinion to the mix; he tends to take a back seat approach to my love life and private affairs, thank god. "If it is any help, son, I met Bella this morning and she is one of the loveliest and most charming creatures I've ever met. There is a real spark in her, I sensed it almost immediately. She didn't even need to say a word—the very way she moves around the room, her countenance, her energy, all speak to someone who is deep, intense, and interesting. It's the same read I got when I met your mother."
He hugs my mom from behind, kissing her neck and causing her to giggle. I used to roll my eyes at that sort of behavior, but now, in this moment, I see the extreme amount of love and devotion they share for each other. I have a sudden pang in my chest and recognize that I want to experience that love and devotion, too. And, for the first time, I admit to my conscious mind that I want to replace the image of my father and mother in that stolen moment with one of Bella and I.
I've been fighting my feelings for Bella from the very second I met her, and I simply need to wake up and smell her coffee. She's clearly the one for me. The fact that my father thinks so highly of her, having just met her, speaks volumes. My dad is the kind of person who is exceedingly kind to everyone, but to win his approval requires a character beyond reproach. He has essentially given me his approval, something I've never asked for before, and something he's never voluntarily offered. It is a tad disconcerting to realize that my parents are on board with Bella before I even acknowledged my true feelings for her myself, but I've been known to be pig-headed asshat before.
"Dad, I can't tell you how much it means to me that Bella meets with your approval. I've been struggling with the fact that she is so far removed from our way of life; that's probably the main thing that has been holding me back. But I need to let you both know that she can't stand me, so this may just end up being an episode of unrequited love."
"Oh come on, Edward! Have you looked at her when you are together? Neither of you can take your eyes off the other!"
"That's true, but in Bella's case, I'm fairly certain that she gazes upon me with complete disdain, not love. I've never met a more frustratingly annoying person in my life. We fight like cats and dogs! She misconstrues everything I say!"
"Sweetie, do you remember when you were in second grade and there was a girl who kept hitting you for no reason? I told you it was because she liked you, and you just couldn't understand why she would do such a thing? I'm convinced that you and Bella are hitting each other on the playground. You need to see this fighting for what it truly is—two stubborn individuals who can't admit that they are attracted to one another."
"As much as I would love to believe you, I can't. But that doesn't mean it is impossible to change her mind."
My mom leans forward to give me a big bear hug. "That's the spirit, honey. You've never backed away from a challenge before, so I would hate to see you do that now. She's worth fighting for. I'm certain of it."
"Thanks, mom. What would I ever do without you?"
"Probably wallow in your own mire," She giggles to herself. "Now, let's get these details straightened out and get you back on track, my dear."
**********************
After talking to my parents, I admit to myself that I need to do a better job with Bella. I'm also in the midst of filming a movie, so accomplishing that is much easier said than done. I suspect that my job has been made more difficult by James, because Bella has been avoiding me like the plague ever since he interrupted our flirtation. It isn't as though she runs away from me, but her body language freezes up whenever we are near one another. A series of days passes where we engage in a kind of fucked up dance where no one knows who's leading or whether or not we should even touch. I want so desperately to touch her; my entire body aches for her. I still want to fuck her silly. Sadly, I really have no idea how to get around this impasse, because she is throwing road blocks in my way at every turn.
On top of the Bella situation, and the chaos of logistics following the storm, I haven't paid a great deal of attention to either Jasper or Rosalie. They've both been available when I need them, of course, but they are also wildly distracted by Alice and Emmett. In fact, some days, I don't even see Rosalie on the set, and we end up communicating by phone or text. While she still gets all her work done with impeccable detail, it is disconcerting to not have her physically present on site. As for Jasper, I am more concerned about his wellbeing. He is such a sensitive soul, and his heart has been broken so many times. He tends falls so hard, and always for the wrong girl. While I have nothing against Alice per se, I just don't see how this can end well for him. We're going to go back to LA, leaving the shoot behind. Alice owns her own business, and her roots are clearly formed in Forks. She isn't truly available to be with him in the long term, and I sense that he is overlooking this major detail. Whenever I am able, and we have a moment alone, I try to remind him of these facts. My concerns, however, fall on deaf ears. Jasper is oblivious, the most dangerous state of mind for him. He has fallen hard, and is incapable of listening to reason. I'm beginning to feel like I need to take matters into my own hands in order to avoid a very, very painful situation for my best friend.
************************
JPOV
The more I see of my darling little Alice, the more I need to see her. I'm trying to remember what my life was like before I met her, and I can't. It's like my life never really began until she arrived. The first minute I saw her, rounding a corner in her little café, I was struck by lightning, and recognized instantly that she was my other half. She completes me and things will never again be the same.
Before Alice, I tended to fall in love quite easily, and my heart has been broken more times than I can count. Now, however, I realize that I was just playacting at love; Alice is absolutely, positively the real deal. How can you possibly know what you've been missing until you've experienced true, profound love?
I've been trying to spend every spare minute I have with her. Between my film schedule and her café responsibilities, it has been a challenge to maneuver, but we've managed just fine. I'm amazed that such a tiny little thing can inspire such lust in me, but I have to admit she is 90 pounds of pure erotica. I simply can't keep my hands off of her. My only frustration with her is that she doesn't want to have sex yet, because she wants it to be special, meaningful, and committed. It is important to her not to rush into anything; she has explained it to me that, because I am an actor, she worries that everything will be over the minute we're done filming. I've tried to impress upon her how impossible that outcome is, because I cannot live without her in my life, but she is still resistant. In the meantime, I've realized that I can wait, if it is so important to her. I can take the time to prove my love to her. In the meantime, we have the hottest make out sessions on the planet. I'm convinced that when we actually do the deed, it is going to be monumental, one for the record books. We might even burst into flames, like the two lead characters in Like Water for Chocolate. I remind myself of this whenever I wake up with a painfully hard cock. Imagining my cock buried deep in Alice's hot pussy has been the subject of many shower wanks in the past few weeks. I just can't wait for the real thing.
I'm surprised when Edward sends me a text to meet him in his cabin one morning. Alice has just left to start her shift at the café, so I grab a cup of coffee and walk over to see what he wants. He has an almost serious scowl on his face, so I need to figure out what his deal is. I don't see that look very often, and I typically don't like what that look tells me.
"Thanks for coming over right away. I've been knee deep in shit for weeks now and I just feel like I am just starting to crawl out of it now that we are nearly finished shooting." He takes a deep breath in and out. Shit, this is really bad.
He runs his hands through his hair, the biggest sign that he is nervous and uncomfortable. "Jazz, you know how shitty I am at beating around the bush, so I'm just going to be upfront with you. Truth is, I'm really worried about you and Alice. You know I've seen you fall hard before, and I am very worried about you getting your heart broken again. I hate to rain on your parade, I really do. I'm just not convinced that Alice is sincere in her regard for you. I suspect she may be attracted to the Jasper Whitlock, the actor, not to the real Jasper Hale."
As Edward's words sink in, I can feel my hands start to shake and my face flush red. My heart starts to pound in my chest. All I can think to myself is Fuckyouedward fuckyouedward fuckyouedward! How dare he fuck with my relationship! He doesn't even know Alice at all; how could he possibly reach this conclusion? I take a deep breath before I respond.
"Edward, you have been my best friend for years. You have been with me through every past break up and broken heart. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here, because otherwise I would be attempting to break your nose right now. Fuck. Off. Alice is off limits. It doesn't matter what you say about her, I'm in love with her. I can't live without her, and I won't live without her. It is as simple as that."
"Have you already told each other that you are in love?"
"Not in actual words, no, but it is implied in everything that we do."
"Are you sure of that? Are you certain of her feelings for you?"
"Of course I am! Why the hell would you even try to plant that seed of doubt?"
"When I see the two of you together, it doesn't appear as though she feels as strongly as you do. Jasper, you have to admit your track record on this isn't good. You've been hurt so many times in the past. It totally breaks my heart to see you go through the anguish of losing someone. I just can't stand by and do nothing. You're my best friend, and I owe it to you to tell you the truth, even if the truth is painful."
"You're wrong, dude. What we have is golden. We're solid. I can't imagine myself with anyone else."
"But Jasper, she hasn't even told you that she loves you! How can you be so sure of her feelings for you?"
"I just feel it. I can't explain it."
"If you can't explain it, I'm afraid what that means."
"It just means that it is so special I can't put it in to words."
"I'm really not trying to be a dick, Jazz. You are, and always will be, my best friend. I only have your interest at heart. I just want to make sure you are absolutely certain of her feelings for you. Have you guys been humping like bunnies?"
"Jesus, Cullen, you really go straight for the throat sometimes! You know I don't normally kiss and tell, but no, we haven't slept together yet. That's just the best way to prove to you how special this is. I'm actually waiting until she is ready."
"You don't think that is her way of luring you in?"
"Fuck you! To even insinuate something like that is just fucking low."
"I'm just trying to give you some perspective, Jasper! God! I wouldn't even say any of this if it wasn't for your past history! I only have your best interest in mind. Look, you've been sequestered in this tiny town with Alice for weeks. I'm thinking that a little distance between the two of you might give you some perspective. Help you ensure that this is the real thing. If you two are truly solid, then you'll know. That's all I'm trying to say. To protect your own heart, it just makes sense, man. Plus, all your scenes are completed, so you really don't have to hang out here anymore. Maybe just head back to LA for a while to see if the distance helps or hurts."
I can barely squeak out a whisper in response to my friend, because the thought of leaving Alice is so fucking painful. "Jesus. This feels so real and tangible, I don't know if I'll make it without her."
"It's just important for you to know if she feels just as strongly as you do. When you know for sure, then you can act on that knowledge. Please, Jazz, for me. You're my best friend. I just don't want to see you get hurt again."
"I'll think it over, okay? That's the best I can do right now."
"Again, I am truly sorry if I hurt you in any way by bringing this up. All I want is for you to be truly happy."
"Without Alice, I'm sure that I will never be happy again." I turn and walk out my friend's door feeling beaten and numb.
*************************
BPOV
Another morning, another batch of Bella's Buns. It is officially my last morning to run to the Masen set. Because I feel emo and angsty, I chose a very apropos shirt for the occasion: Don't make me use my librarian voice. I have a feeling I might be inclined to use my librarian voice today, so I want to ensure that everyone is adequately prepared for that eventuality. Because I am feeling a little pissy, I crank up the soundtrack to Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Seriously, I think to myself, is there a better rant song than Tear Me Down? It's a fucking good one, no matter what. No one is going to get in my face this morning. To prove my point, I hack an innocent piece of bun dough in half, just because I can. HAHAHA! I'm ruthless! I start giggling out loud at myself. I'm such a freaking dork it isn't funny. Except that it is funny.
Following James' snide comments about Edward Cullen and his historical on-set peccadilloes, I did some research. There was plenty to be found, but I had to discount nearly all of it due to the source of information. I'm not sure what James was trying to pull by telling me that shit, and I'm angry I allowed myself to be sucked in far enough to actually look that shit up. I really should know better than that. The only thing James accomplished was keeping me on the fence about my stance on the matter.
In fact, I've been around and around regarding my feelings towards Edward Cullen. I'm quite certain that I will never understand his motivations. He can be so sexy and flirty, yet also quite cold and aloof. There is an undeniable energy between us, and I've tried so hard to ignore it, but to no avail. I know that it is the last day of shooting, but I'm surprised to be upset by that information. I should be relieved that I won't be running ragged between the café and the sets any longer. I can get a little extra sleep. I won't have to be at Edward Cullen's beck and call. And if I'm completely honest with myself, that last bit of detail is what makes my stomach ache. I feel like I need to hurl, which is simply ridiculous. I've always known, from the very first day he showed up, that Edward Cullen was meant to be no more than a transient figure in my life. I need to pull up my big girl panties and deal. Seriously, all this emo shit is pissing me off. I should be able to let this roll off my back, so why is it sitting in my gut instead?
I'm singing loudly along with Hedwig to The Origin of Love, which is one of the most fucking brilliant songs ever written about love, when I'm knocked to the floor. Before I even process what is happening, I feel arms wrap around me and my ear buds are yanked out. I open my eyes, only to find Alice occupying my lap, sobbing so hard she can barely breathe. I am instantly transported back to the moment I found out about her parent's death—she reacted exactly the same way. Could Emmett be dead, too? I mean, what could ever upset Alice to such an extreme? I wrap my arms tightly around my wonderful, loving, caring, capricious best friend, inadvertently rocking her back and forth.
"Alice, what is it? Who is it?" I pull away from her slightly to see her face.
She shakes her head furiously from side to side. "J-J-J-aaa-sper."
I feel myself tense at the mention. What the fuck did he do to my girl?
"N-n-n-o, Bella. H-he l-l-left."
"Jasper left? Without saying goodbye or anything?"
Instead of trying to choke out another response, she merely nods her head.
"Why, Alice? Why?"
She shakes her head back and forth, and my question brings about a new depth of tears. But she doesn't need to answer—I know why.
Edward Cullen, you are a dead motherfucker, wherever you are. NOBODY messes with my Alice, and you will pay, asshole.
END NOTE:
A special thanks to everyone who has adopted my little story via story alerts, favorites, and author alerts. I do a happy dance in my living room every time I get a notification. Thanks also to those authors who read my story and pimp it via their own: ACullenWannabe, DariaChenowith, ManiacalMuse, and AgoodWITCH, who is promoting it to her FF Community "We All Have 'Issues' Don't We." To be embraced by readers is spectacular; to be embraced by other authors is nothing short of sublime. Truly, I am humbled.
You can check out the "We All Have 'Issues' Don't We" community at:
http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/community/We_All_Have_Issues_Dont_We/72924/99/0/2/