DESIDERATA
Things I own: A Jack Skellington headband that sometimes scares my patients. But I don't intentionally scare them. Honest. I'm not Nurse Ratched, after all.
Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyer.
I owe my eternal gratitude to NaughtySparkle, as always, for agreeing to beta this chapter. Surprisingly, I have yet to scare her off…
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE
"The modern woman…prides herself on thinking, taking action, working, creating, on the same terms as men; instead of seeking to disparage them, she declares herself their equal." – Simone de Beauvoir
BPOV
As my little Alice collapses on top of me, explaining the story of Jasper's disappearance,
I am literally shaking with rage. I feel as if Edward Cullen's dagger has been plunged straight through my soul instead of Alice's, her pain is so acute and palpable.
I need to find Edward Cullen. I don't care where he is, or who sees or hears me. I've never been so angry in all my life, not even at the fuckhead woman who gave birth to me. He is about to lose a testicle or two, even if I have to rip it off with my own teeth. I am furious with him for meddling with Alice and Jasper's happiness. The only thing that keeps me from hunting him down and choking him to death is the fact that I am too short to get the proper leverage needed to reach his neck with the appropriate amount of force. It would be like denying the law of physics, and we all know Scotty told Captain Kirk that was impossible.
I can't even begin to imagine what Emmett will have to say about all of this. He is, after all, sleeping with the enemy. Rosalie Hale may be Jasper's sister, but she is also Edward's assistant. As such, she is privy to all of Edward's fuckery. If she helped Edward send Jasper away, she can kiss her perfectly shaped ass goodbye. Emmett has personally guarded over Alice from the moment she was born, bearing extra responsibility for her safety and happiness when their parents died. Once I finish with chewing off Edward's balls, Emmett will make mincemeat out of the remaining portion of his otherwise beautiful body. Edward Cullen isn't going to know what hit him.
Emmett won't be in for several hours, however, and god only knows where he and Rosalie are at the moment. Clearly, Alice is in no shape to take care of the café. I can't leave her by herself, so Masen Masterworks will simply have to live with a lack of coffee and goodies on the last day of their shoot. I'll have to forego killing Edward for a few more hours, until Emmett arrives and can watch over Alice.
Alice has pretty much cried herself into oblivion, so I bring her in the back and set up the portable cot. She looks as though she has been up the entire night crying, and she's thoroughly exhausted. I get her settled and make my way to the front of the café. In theory, I know how to make the espresso drinks; in practice, not so much. I'll simply have to wing it and hope people order the brewed coffee once they see me behind the register. I keep myself busy by setting up the pastry case and futzing around, but I can't slow down the thoughts in my head.
Why is Edward Cullen so threatened by Alice and Jasper's relationship that he needed to send Jasper away?
What harm could my tiny best friend possibly cause in his life?
What is it, exactly, that makes Edward such a master level fucktard?
Once again, his actions leave me positively bewildered; what could possibly motivate him to behave like such an ignoramus?
I am jarred back to reality by the tinkling of our front bell. The sight that greets me is the biggest shock of all: Edward Motherfucking Smirky Cullen-Sullen! What in fuck's sake is he doing here when he has a fucking movie to film? He walks quickly over to the register, standing right in front of me. I immediately open my mouth to speak when he has the audacity to cover my mouth with his goddamned beautiful fingers. Their sheer beauty and spellbinding ways cause me to lose my focus for a few seconds, giving him the perfect window of opportunity he needs to talk to me. His face is a picture of utter agony and torture.
"Please, Bella, just give me a minute to get this out."
"Wh…"
"Please. I have struggled for months now, trying to deny and repress my true feelings for you, Bella Swan, and I simply can't do it for another moment. I need to confess to you how much I respect and appreciate your character. I suspect I may even be in love with you. I'm fully aware of how unorthodox a relationship between the two of us would be, and what the professional ramifications might be for me personally, but I'm prepared to take you on regardless. I consider myself to be a pragmatic, logical man, but my insane attraction to you defies all logic and good judgment. From the moment I laid eyes on you, you're the only woman I can think about. I can't sleep, I can't focus on my film project, all I can do is wonder when I'll be able to see you again. Despite every rational argument my mind has considered, I am still passionately attracted to you. Will you please consider running away to LA with me? Tell me that I'm someone you could imagine yourself falling in love with, I'm begging you. It is the only way I will be able to stay sane."
I stand there for a moment, in the middle of the café, staring at Edward Cullen with my mouth gaping open. I open and close my mouth several times, but find myself speechless. For possibly the first time in my life.
Did I really just hear that diatribe? Could he possibly be serious? He suspects he may even be in love with me??
I take several deep, cleansing breaths before I begin.
"At times like these, I prefer to use one of my quotes to express myself optimally, but unfortunately this occasion is without precedent, so I'm forced to shoot from the hip. It is beyond me how you managed, as you put it, to fall in love with me despite what the 'professional ramifications might be for you personally.' I certainly did nothing to encourage you to fall in love with me. I'm not even certain whether you are trying to compliment me or mock me. Your so-called 'insane attraction to me defies all logic and good judgment.' Hello? Is that supposed to be romantic, and sweep me off my feet? You'll have to do some homework on your approach, Smirky." I realize that I'm jabbing my finger into the center of his chest for emphasis. "You are my polar opposite and the antithesis of an ideal companion for me. Not if you were the last man on earth could I ever consider you as a partner. I will never run away with you, anywhere. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to prepare to work for real people who truly need my assistance. Thank you sir, and have a nice day!"
I am so angry, my shaking hand reaches down and grabs my mega-sized cup of iced coffee, and I promptly toss it in his face. If I had more control over my mind at that point, I would have laughed at the surprised reaction my impulsivity generates, but my mind is completely blank due to my fury.
Fucking waste of perfectly good caffeine. I just hope it leaves permanent stains.
I'm furrowing my brow at Edward Cullen and still shaking when I see him reach for some napkins to wipe the coffee off of his face.
Shit, I really did make a mess. But he so fucking deserved it. Asshat.
"Wait, is that it? That's all you have to say to me? You aren't even going to consider my proposition? Really, Ms. Swan, don't go to too much trouble to sugar coat your answer. I just poured out my heart to you, and all you're going to do is jump up and down on top of it?"
"Oh, you did not just say that! Please tell me you did not just say that!! Talk about not sugar coating an answer, Mr. Cullen! Do you seriously not even recognize what you just said? You just told me that you 'suspect' you love me, despite all logic and good judgment, and despite every rational argument, you are still passionately attracted to me!
You have given me every imaginable reason in the world to stomp your heart to bits! And on top of all that, as if that wasn't enough, you are the man responsible for breaking my best friend's heart, and destroying every ounce of happiness she has struggled for years to attain! It was you alone who ruined a beautiful relationship between my most cherished friend and yours. Her fulfillment means everything to me, and I have never seen her in such a perfect match. For that reason alone, I despise you and your haughty, pretentious ego. You pretend to be removed emotionally and remain passionately unattached, but it is merely your polite way of being rude."
"Yes, I fully accept responsibility for removing Jasper from Alice's reach. I felt like she was nothing more than an opportunist and thought her emotions towards Jasper weren't strong enough to warrant his unique attention. Like you, my best friend's happiness means everything to me. I was simply trying to protect him from being hurt. Any slight to you was completely unintentional; I ask only that you forgive me. As for the two of us, it is blatantly clear how you feel about me. I'm sorry to have made you upset and assure you I will no longer bother you. Goodbye, Ms. Swan. You won't be seeing me again."
With that, Edward Cullen turns and starts walking out of the café. He pauses for a moment at the door, and looks at me over his shoulder. "I beg you to remember that Oscar Wilde always said, 'quotation is a serviceable substitution for wit.'"
Before he could exit completely, I yelled after him, "Well Ludwig Wittgenstein said 'the limits of my language are the limits of my universe.' So I guess your universe comprises 3 square feet of space!"
The door slams, the bell tinkles, and angry tears fall down my face as the Biggest Douche in the Universe walks away from me forever.
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EmPOV
As I walk into the café, I'm surprised to see Bella standing at the espresso machine. Crying. I can't help myself—I automatically go into Papa Bear mode. It doesn't matter who: Bella, Alice, either one with tears in their eyes goes straight to my gut. I rush to her side and scoop her into my arms.
"Bella, girl, what is it? What could possibly make my tough girl cry?"
"Emmett, I really don't think you want to know. It's bad. It's very, very bad."
"Hey, what have I told you before: There is nothing that happens that we can't solve together. Right? So tell me about it, okay?"
I notice Bella's hands shaking as she wipes the evidence of tears from her cheek. She tries so hard to be above it all, but that girl has a sensitive soul. Very few people know that about her.
"God, I don't even know where to start. Shit, it's all Cullen's fault, that's all that matters."
"Girl, I can't make it better if I don't know what it is, right?"
Suddenly, the tears start to pour from her eyes in earnest, just as words start to pour out of her mouth. "Well, Edward made Jasper leave Alice without saying goodbye, then Alice came here and she was broken, just plain broken, she now she's asleep in the back. Then I had to wait for you, because Alice couldn't run the café in her condition, and I wanted to find Cullen and rip him a new asshole, and then he was here, and then, and then…" she pauses for a moment to take a big, hitched breath, "he came here and tried to tell me he didn't want to like me but he has to, or can't help it, or some shit like that, and Emmett what did I ever do to deserve to be treated like that?"
Her words start to trail off, just as her gasps start to increase, and I give her the space she needs to dissolve for a minute. As she is taking her time to recuperate on my shoulder, I try to piece together what she just told me.
Edward made Jasper leave Alice. Rose mentioned something to me last night about Jasper heading back to LA, but it sounded like that had been planned for some time; I guess I need to get that clarified from her perspective. The "without saying goodbye" part bothers me. Alice is sad, but safe for the moment, so that's cool for now.
Edward likes Bella but he doesn't want to? What the fuck does that mean? Once again, Rose will be able to decipher Cullenspeak better than anyone. Looks like my next task is to call Rose.
"Hey kiddo, I need to go make some phone calls to figure out what's going on here, okay? Are you gonna be all right if I leave you for a few minutes?"
Her tears have slowed down, and she wipes her eyes, so I give her shoulders a slight squeeze to let her know I'm leaving.
"I'll be in the back if you need anything, ok?"
I turn around and go back to my office, hitting Rose's speed dial as I walk.
"Didn't I just see you 30 minutes ago, handsome?"
"Yes you did, gorgeous, but we've got a problem of epic proportions on our hands."
Her tone instantly changes. "What do you mean by 'problem?'"
"When I walked into the café this morning, Bella was at the front counter, shaking and crying, and Alice was conked out in the back room after crying herself to sleep over Jasper. Do you happen to know anything about either of these issues?"
"Fuck! Em, I'm so sorry, this just has Edward written all over it. Jasper left for LA this morning, just like I told you. I'm assuming Alice is just upset because he left, and I hate to say it, but that is to be expected. I think she was rather attached to him while he was here. As for Bella, let's be honest here: All Edward has to do is open his mouth and there are issues between the two of them. Who knows what the fuck he said this time? Probably nothing. I can investigate this with him, though, and get back to you."
"I do have to tell you, it isn't exactly easy to make Bella cry, so I'm sure there is more to it than the average crap those two get into. So if you can try to see what he's up to, that would be great. You know I have to take care of all my girls, right?"
"I know, baby. When you gonna come take care of me?"
"Babe! We just went at it like an hour ago!"
"Yes, and...?"
"And you're a horny bitch and I love it! Lemme know what you find out, and I'll try to get more details, too. Talk to you in a few, babe!"
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EPOV
Shit! That didn't go at all like I planned. How do I manage to fuck every last thing up? It all made so much sense to me when Jazz and I were talking last night. What just happened?
I'm driving the Volvo back to the Ocean Side, where I left my parents when I drove in to find Bella this morning. I just know my mom is going to be so disappointed in me. I thought I was going to be returning with Bella, and that somehow we'd all be heading for LA together; instead, Bella essentially told me to fuck off and leave her alone and never speak to her again. I meant it when I said she tore my heart out and jumped on it. That is literally how I feel, like I have a fucking chest wound that can never be healed. I guess I had no real idea of just how much I cared for her until she shut me out.
I play back her words in my mind, unable to stop the flow of images:
You are my polar opposite and the antithesis of an ideal companion for me. Not if you were the last man on earth could I ever consider you as a partner. I will never run away with you, anywhere.
I start to feel physically ill, so I pull over and hurl my guts out. My head is pounding. I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm going to do. Bella Swan has bewitched me, and I cannot even think without her near me. The idea of going on without seeing her, ever again, is positively devastating. I'm not used to feeling so out of control, or so swayed by my emotions. I breathe deeply, in and out, trying to ebb the flood of feelings. I simply need to get my ass back into my car, drive back to my cabin, and be with my parents. They are the only ones who can help me now. My best friend is practically suicidal and unavailable, and god knows Rose won't be any help at all in a matter like this; if anything, she will make me feel worse by adding fuel to the fire. No, if there is one person in the world who can help me set things right, it is Esme.
I abruptly open the door to my cabin to hear my mother gasp.
"Edward? What happened? Why is your shirt full of coffee?" She knows at once something is terribly wrong. I must look pretty shitty.
"Mom, I don't even know where to begin," I hear my voice crack, but it feels like someone else is talking. The whole ordeal seems to be happening to someone else.
"Why don't you start at the beginning? What happened when you told Bella how you feel?"
"That's just it. I don't know what happened! It all took place so quickly, and you know how she gets when she misunderstands things, an…"
"Okay, you need to step back a minute, dear. I'm sorry to interrupt, but you have a history of not necessarily stating things clearly when you are with Bella, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, she just seems to misunderstand whatever it is I'm saying. I mean it one way, but she interprets it another."
"Is it possible that you sometimes you might not be completely clear? You know how hard it is for you when you get nervous; I sense that some of that might be happening when you talk to Bella, sweetheart."
"Well, all I know for certain is that she felt like I insulted her, and she said she would never want to be with me, even if I was the last man on earth. God, mom, what am I going to do? I am a grown man, and I feel like a little kid whose favorite toy just got stolen. I've never felt like this about anyone, and I'm lost. I don't know what to do with myself."
"Sweetie, this isn't something that will be decided today. You both need some time to settle down and get your feelings in check. I'm fairly certain that we can drum up a plan to help things along in the long run. Please, just let it go for the moment. You have a day of shooting ahead of you, and months of work once we get back to LA. I promise, we'll get this figured out, okay?"
Whatever it is that worries me, or upsets me, the sound of my mother's soothing voice of reason can always make things seem so much better. For some odd reason, I believe her that things are going to be all right. I have to trust in that and then move forward. She's right; I do have a day of shooting. I now know that Bella won't be around, so at least I won't have that to distract me. Once I get back to LA, away from seeing Bella all the time, things will get better.
They certainly can't get any fucking worse than they are right now…
My cabin door bursts open. "Edward Cullen! Do you mind telling me what the hell you did to Bella Swan this morning?!"
Shit, I guess things just got worse…
END NOTE: Our lovely Ninapolitan coaxed another Parkaward o/s entry out of me, The British Invasion. If you're interested, here you go:
http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/s/5312338/1/The_British_Invasion