DESIDERATA

Things I own: A Macbook that is permanently affixed to my hands, as if it is my second child.

Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyer. Desiderata belongs to Max Ehrmann.

Thank you to my bb NaughtySparkle for reading my shit every time. She deserves a freaking medal. Just sayin'.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: SNAFU (SITUATION NORMAL ALL FUCKED UP)

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either." – Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

EPOV

"Edward Cullen! Do you mind telling me what the hell you did to Bella Swan this morning?!" Rosalie is glaring at me, a few feet in front of my face.

"Oh god, not you too!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I've had the shittiest day of my life, and it isn't even 9:00 yet. Please, just leave me alone. I need to go get this shoot wrapped up so I can get the hell out of Forks."

"If this only had an impact on you, Edward, I would gladly let it slide. But you are screwing with my mojo, buster, and I need to know why."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, with the realization that Rosalie isn't one to let things just slide. I get by with the minimum amount of detail possible.

"I went to the Wonderland Café this morning to ask Bella to come back to LA with me, and it didn't go over so well. In fact, I was told that she would never consider going anywhere with me, and she never wants to see me again. That pretty much sums things up."

"What in god's name did you say to her?"

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is finishing this shoot and heading back to our normal lives."

Rose sighs deeply, then goes silent for a moment, looking hard at my expression. "Look, I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you expected. I'm just as anxious to get home as you are. But there's one thing you need to understand—our lives are never going to go back to normal again. Normal has changed."

I hear Rosalie's phone chirp while she's speaking. She opens it and reads a text message. She shows the screen to me, silent.

btw if Cullen hurts b or a again, nutsack is MINE. Make sure he knows.

I sigh deeply to myself. Fuck me, it just keeps getting worse. Even when I'm certain it is already as bad as it gets.

"You know, it probably wasn't the best idea to encourage Jasper to leave without saying goodbye to Alice. I never thought I'd hear myself say those words, but everything in our world is so different now. Forks has changed everything."

"I didn't tell him not to say goodbye, Rose. That's his doing. He told me that his heart was broken, and he simply couldn't bring himself to say goodbye to Alice, that it would be too painful to see her again, and he'd never be able to leave if he saw her. I figured he was just being melodramatic—you know how emo he can get."

"Wow, I didn't think he had it in him. He must really be heartbroken to act like that. Shit, now I have to deal with a limp noodle Jazz once we get back. I don't know if I have the patience for that right now, I've got my own shit to deal with."

"That 'shit to deal with' includes keeping Emmett away from my nutsack, Ms. Personal Assistant. I'm rather keen on keeping it intact. Can you deal with that while I get over to the shoot?"

"Like I'm going to say no, even though I want to. I think you need to find a new Personal Assistant."

"Rose, I am so not in the mood to deal with that today. Can it wait until we get home, please? I can't handle one more issue on my plate today."

"Yeah, I'll deal. Just go make magic or whatever it is you do. I'll pick up the pieces."

*********************

EmPOV

"Well, I think I have the story down to a point where it is understandable…"

"I'm listening…"

"I guess Edward was trying to tell Bella that he's in love with her, but his approach was a little untraditional. He really is a social retard. I'm sure I mentioned that to you once or twice. And he didn't tell Jasper to leave without saying goodbye, I guess my brother dreamed that doozie up all on his own. He said he was too heartbroken to say goodbye in person."

"Yeah, well he didn't say goodbye in a letter or anything, either. Is he socially retarded, too?"

"Emmett, that is my brother you're talking about! You might be unhappy with how he handled things, but he really is a good guy. He doesn't do anything without a reason. He's had his heart broken so many times, I've lost count. I need to talk to him to get the real story. I think he really is in love with Alice, though. For what it's worth."

"When you talk to him, would you please ask him to contact Alice, though? The kid deserves an explanation, at the very least."

"I don't know how long it will take to track him down, but I will try, OK? How is Alice doing?"

"Well, she's still comatose on a cot in the back room, but I have the feeling this is going to be a long recovery for her. I've only seen her like this once before, when our parents died. It really takes a lot to get my girl down. And I've never seen Bella like this, so Cullen must have delivered some high-class fuckery."

"Well, I don't think I've ever seen Edward so upset in my life, so it looks like all four of them are equally miserable, if that's any consolation."

"Baby, you never did tell me what we're going to do now. You know how much it kills me to think of you hopping on that plane, too. The whole long distance thing leaves a bad feeling in my gut."

"Em, you know I can't leave Edward, I told you that. And I certainly can't live in Forks. Are you sure you can't come down to LA?"

"Rose, I can't leave my girls, they need me. It's been like that since my folks died."

"It sucks to be needed. Can we run away and leave it all behind?"

"No, we're big kids now. We gotta behave. I guess we'll just have to make it work, somehow. I'm gonna miss you like crazy, baby. You know that, right?"

I hear her heave a big sigh, and it tears at my heart. "I know. Let's both think hard to come up with an alternative. I don't know how long I'll be able to last. Once I know my schedule when we get back to LA, I'll arrange a weekend trip soon. I have to run. I'll call or text you before the plane takes off."

"Can I at least see you tonight, before you go?"

"I don't think I can. Things are going to be crazy until we leave. Sorry. See you later."

"Bye, baby."

****************

BPOV

Edward Cullen is gone from my life, at least I have one thing to be thankful for. My little Alice is still asleep in the back room; having been up crying all night long, she's exhausted. God knows what Emmett is doing. Exactly how we're going to make this all work and get back to normal again, I have no idea. All I know is that I'll do whatever it takes to bring Alice back to life again.

Before Masen Masterworks came to town, our lives were well defined and normal. I knew what to expect day in and day out. Things were easier and simpler. Today, our normal now includes the sphere of people from an entirely different world who have somehow become intertwined in our lives. Since Smirky and Snarky were born, things will never be the same again. I want so badly to close my eyes and travel back in time to the way things used to be. For each of our sakes.

I make my way back to the office; I need to arrange for Emmett to get Alice home and put into bed. When I see him, he looks like a beaten man. I've never seen him wear such a morose expression before.

"Em? You okay?"

"Oh hey, Bells. I just got off the phone with Rosalie. It doesn't look like Edward or Jasper are faring so well, either."

"I sincerely hope Edward isn't faring well. He is an infuriating asshat!"

"She says that he's in love with you. He really did mean to bring you into his LA life, no matter how much of a social retard he is. He meant well."

"You know, there is nothing he could say that would entice me to run off with him. We just aren't meant to be together."

"Have you ever thought of subtracting his words from the feelings? I've seen him look at you, and he always looks completely pussywhipped. What is it about him that makes your claws come out? You're not usually like that."

"Come on, I've always been snarky! It's just that he seems so full of himself, and I have no toleration for that. He assumes that I'd want to be with him, like he's doing me a favor. I want to be with someone who allows me to be his equal. When there isn't mutual respect, how can there be love?"

"I have to say, respect is a two-way street. Have you ever considered giving him some slack because he has such a hard time talking to you? You can be kind of intimidating, you know."

"Yeah, I'm about as intimidating as Bambi!" I snort.

"Come on, Bella, get real! I love you like my sister, but I'm going to be completely straight with you here. You don't fool me at all. The t-shirts, the earbuds, the snarkiness. It's all to keep people away. I've always known that, but I let you be, because I love you and know it's what you need to feel safe. You surround yourself with a fortress to keep anyone from breaking your heart. Your mom really did a number on you when she left—I understand that, I really do. But you aren't a little girl anymore, and you can't keep blaming your mom for all your problems with guys. Some day, you need to tear down that wall, or you'll end up alone. What I want more than anything, for both of my girls, is to see you happy and in love. With all the sadness we've endured in our lives, we all deserve this bit of happiness. Who would ever think that we'd all find happiness in the same place, you know?"

I'm staring at my friend, and it slowly dawns on me that Emmett's words are the absolute truth. I'm trying so hard not to let anyone else break my heart, because my mom shattered it and it has never been fully pieced back together. I think that Edward is trying to fill in the missing pieces, and I've been working so hard not to let him close enough to even try. Then my tears start in earnest. The kind of tears that are so hard, you can't even breathe properly. The kind that cause your hands to shake. The kind that involve your entire body. There is a stray thought in the back of my mind that tells me I've never cried more frequently in my life than I have since Edward Cullen has been in town.

I feel huge, bear-like paws surround me. I allow myself to fall apart amidst the warmth of Emmett's arms. He just holds me tightly, kisses the top of my head, and strokes my hair. It's the most comforting thing anyone has ever done for me. Emmett is the kindest person I know; he doesn't have a mean bone in his body. I feel really lucky to have him as my big brother.

I'm not sure how long I've been crying in Emmett's arms, but he slowly moves into a standing position and places me back in his chair.

"Fuck this shit! We've worked our asses off for the last three months. Alice's Wonderland Café and Mad Tea Party is officially closed for business today! We're all going home to eat ice cream, put on our jammies, and watch movies!"

"Uh, Em, did you all of a sudden sprout a vadge, because it sounds to me like you wanna have a girlie slumber party."

"I unofficially have two sisters, so what am I gonna do? Make you guys drink beer and watch the game with Charlie and me? Yeah, that'd go over really well!"

"Why don't I get things cleaned up and freeze what I've made, while you get Alice and bring her home. I'll meet you guys there when I'm done."

"Sounds like a plan. Need me to pick up ice cream?"

"No, just get Alice home. I'll pick some up on my way."

*********************

I lock up the café and make my way out to my truck on the side of our building. As I open the door, I see a silver Volvo make a slow drive by in front of the café. I can't make out the driver, but I know who it is. I feel a sudden, unexpected twinge in my heart. I wonder if it stems from the missing piece. I thought I would feel ecstatic seeing Smirky Cullen-Sullen leave. I thought my life would return to normal. I was entirely wrong—all I feel is empty. I was never before aware of the missing piece of my heart, but now I feel it so acutely that it stings. The stupid, shiny, silver Volvo suddenly speeds up and darts out of town. Out of my life.

By the time I get to Alice and Emmett's house, Alice is already in bed. Emmett explains that she refuses to get up and join us, she just wants to wallow. I'm highly concerned, because Alice has never wallowed in her life, not even when her parents died. I'm not sure what to do. It seems pointless to gorge myself on ice cream all alone, because Emmett says he isn't hungry. I put the ice cream in their freezer and head home to do some wallowing of my own.

**********************

The alarm. 3:00 AM. Fuck my life, times ten. Roll out of bed. Pull on shirt, which reads: You read my shirt. That's enough social interaction for the day. That sums it up right there. Trip on the way to front door. Drive to work. Open café door. Brew coffee. Start my buns. Fuck my life, times ten. Etcetera.

To say I'm on automatic pilot is an understatement. We all are, Em, Alice, and me. I don't think I've seen Alice smile since Jasper left. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's trying to channel her inner emo, because she will only wear Vamp nail polish and dark lipstick. Emmett tries to keep a cheery attitude around both of us, but I notice that when he smiles, it never reaches his eyes. He's faking it, like the rest of us. I think the fact that he is trying so hard breaks my heart more than if he didn't try at all.

I pour myself a gallon of coffee and head back to my workstation. As I add the hot water to the yeast for the buns, I set a timer so that I don't forget how long it has been rising. My mind is so scattered these days, if I fail to set a timer, I will invariably forget what I'm doing and get lost in my thoughts. I hear the ding of the timer go off, then I have to remember what I set it for. Nope, the oven is off. Nothing on the stove. Oh yeah, the yeast. I pour it into the mixing bowl and add the butter and sugar. Again, I set the timer. I catch myself staring off into space, thinking about Edward Cullen again. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get him to leave my daily thoughts. I always see that flash of green from his eyes, and my mind just stays there. When I come back into the here and now, I see Desiderata in front of me. Oh, Max, I don't even deserve to read your wise words; I've fucked it all up to the point of no return. I read the last stanza, the one I never got to work through in all the time Masen was in town. I was just too fucking busy.

"Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle to yourself.

Gentle to myself. Now there's a concept! Perhaps I've been too gentle with myself, because I was mean to everyone else. But okay, I'll try to work on that one. Really.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars and you have a right to be here.

I have a right to be here. Do you hear that, Renee? No matter how much you fucked up, no matter how selfish you have been, I have a right to be here. I need to just remind myself of that daily. No matter what anyone says to me, I have a right to be here. Hell, I should make that my new mantra: Ihavearighttobehere, Ihavearighttobehere, Ihavearighttobehere.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Okay, I was doing fine until I got here. I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way the universe is unfolding as it should. Alice and Emmett are withdrawn and unhappy, our entire universe sucks right now. Nothing in the world is clear right now. Am I just supposed to trust that things will work out for the best? Because I really don't trust in anything anymore. I've been beaten over the head one too many times. I have no faith left. I'm sorry, universe, I am truly sorry. I don't think I can have faith in you these days. I hear myself sigh heavily, and feel the tears start to well up in my eyes.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

Be at peace, keep peace in my soul. Even more than trusting in the universe, I am so not at peace. My life and my mind are full of noisy confusion. My world makes no sense at all anymore. I'm not even at peace when I sleep, because I dream about Edward Cullen every night. I go to sleep exhausted, I wake up exhausted, only to go through the motions again, day after day. Our lives are joyless. Concepts like faith and peace are mutually exclusive with my life in the present moment. I feel tears starting to pool in my eyes.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I'm now crying in earnest, because I know that my life is just sham, drudgery, and full of broken dreams. The world isn't beautiful to me anymore. I don't know if I will ever be cheerful or happy again.

I want to be. Happy. Peaceful. Trusting. I feel myself slump down to the floor, crying like I did the day Emmett took me into his arms when Edward Cullen left. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to go to bed at night at peace with the world and myself.

I hear the timer go off again, and switch instantly back into autopilot. I can't be trusted on manual these days. I lose myself in the steady flow of rolling cinnamon bun dough and try to close my mind to the sad reality of my existence these days.

**********************

EPOV

I drive slowly by Alice's Wonderland Café and Mad Tea Party for the last time. It has been a source of intense happiness and sorrow, so I just need to bid it goodbye for the last time. I wonder if I secretly wanted one last look at Bella, but the shop appears to be closed. I speed off to the airport and my awaiting jet.

Finally back in LA, I wake up in my own bed, surprisingly unrefreshed. I am determined to overcome my feelings for Bella Swan. Being in my own room after enduring months of cold rain is amazing, but it renders me with little joy. I feel like someone just changed the film of my life, and it went from being in Technicolor to black and white. Everything is muted in gray tones. I don't want to get out of bed, but I know it is day number one of post-production, and there is tons of work to be done. In some ways, the real work to be done on the film lays ahead of me. I used to get so energized for this part of the filming process, but now it seems joyless. I wonder if I will ever regain my love of making a movie.

I recognize intellectually that I need to overcome my feelings for Bella; I know that my love is unrequited. However, without her in my life, my heart just feels empty and useless. Everything about my career now reminds me of Forks, Washington. The entire process of making a movie is now infused with the essence of Bella Swan, and I can't get away from it, no matter how hard I try.

I usually find so much peace in the editing process—I love being able to glean all the gems from the shit. The detail work, piecing things together precisely, is something I can lose myself in for days on end. This time, however, I find that the editing process simply fills my head full of images of Bella. When I see a particular scene, I remember where Bella was with the coffee cart. I can clearly see the times she bent over, showing off her luscious ass. I can remember how she'd casually pull her incredible brown waves into a ponytail, or how she would suddenly let it down and shake it out over her shoulders. I see the happy, carefree smile on her pouty lips as she hands out cups of coffee or her buns. My buns. They should be MY BUNS. Fuck. This movie is never going to get edited. Not only that, I'm going to have a raging boner that lasts for months because of the constant reminders of her presence.

I'm absentmindedly watching some of the footage, when I realize that in a couple of Jacob Black's scenes, the lighting is all fucked up. James! That asstard can't get it right to save his fucking life! I quickly walk down the hallway to my mother's office.

"Mom, James fucked up the lighting again! Why in god's name do we have to put up with his childish antics? Can we please fire him?"

"How bad is it?"

"Bad enough that I can't use the footage for several key scenes."

"Is it something we can recreate in the studio?"

"Yeah, we could probably make that work."

"Well then, I guess you need to get Jacob Black here as soon as possible."

"I'll get Rose on it. But I'm still not finished with James—he has to be on his way out mom; I'm serious. I think you and Aunt Elizabeth need to arrange some kind of a payout deal, because I can't have him working on another film with me again; he ends up costing us double, because we pay his salary and pay for his mistakes. He has to go. I mean it."

I walk down the hallway to the editing room, calling Rose as I walk.

"James fucked up the lighting again, so we need to get Jacob Black and Tanya together to re-shoot a few scenes. Set it up for as soon as possible."