DESIDERATA

Things I own: An Edward Cullen action figure who stands next to my Jane Austen action figure. If I'm not careful, they always end up making out. H00rs.

Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyer.

The reference to "naughty heels" in lieu of using "fuck-me pumps" is a dedication to my girls NaughtySparkle and Heelstominivan. Cheers, ladies.

Again, not to beat a dead horse, but I owe NaughtySparkle kudos galore for reading my stuff to make it worthy of reading. And she even did it while feeling sicker than a dog. Truly, I don't deserve you, bb!!

CHAPTER TWENTY: THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

"In Hollywood, the sizzle is always better than the steak." – Barry Hirsch

BPOV

Today, I need happy music. I've been morose for weeks, and I've had enough. I pop in my earbuds and bring up my Arcade Fire playlist. Not only is it happy music, it is a great beat to work to. I get lost in my world of baking, and ease into my zone. As it always seems to do when I am in my thoughtful place, my mind turns towards Edward Cullen. You'd think he never left Forks the way I focus upon him daily. I rerun my internal feed of Edward's bumbling declaration of love frequently. How can one man possibly say such amazing things, like You fucking mesmerize my very soul, Bella Swan, did you know that? only to say later, I consider myself to be a pragmatic, logical man, but my insane attraction to you defies all logic and good judgment?

Edward Smirky Cullen-Sullen has said so many horrible and wonderful things to me, it's hard to keep everything straight. I feel like I'm getting a case of Bipolar whiplash as I recall our conversations—it's all here, there, and everywhere. With Arcade Fire acting as the Smirky soundtrack, images of that beautiful man start flooding my brain. I miss watching his beautiful hands and fingers at work, the way they looked when he struck a pensive mood, resting on his chin, or combing through his hair. I miss his permanently furrowed brow, which acts as the perfect frame for his clear, intense, magnetic eyes. I miss watching his luscious ass, the way his jeans so perfectly hang over his rear. In fact, they hang perfectly over his package, too. The second button on his fly would always peek out a little bit, and it was all I could do to keep myself from going up to him and pulling his fly open. If I didn't know any better, I could swear it was calling out to me, teasingly. I remember his enticing laugh, and how insanely smart and funny he is. I sigh deeply, and finally admit to myself that, in his absence, Edward Cullen is surprisingly improved.

I still have my earbuds in when I hop out front to load up the pastry case for the day. I have those gross food service vinyl gloves on as I line up my buns on the shelf. Someone slams their hand on the counter by the till, which shocks me back into the real world. I look up, momentarily annoyed by the interruption, until I see that the hand belongs to none other than Jacob Black. God, I haven't seen him since Masen left town, and he brings an instant smile to my face. I set my sheet of buns aside and run out from behind the counter to greet him.

As I approach, Jake holds out his hands in front of him. I stop abruptly, confused.

"Bella, take one look at yourself, girl! You're full of flour, frosting, and other shit. Does it look like I want to become a Bella's Bun?" He laughs at his inane humor.

"Fine, suit yourself. My hot bod will remain all mine, then."

"Nice shirt today, Bells." He reads it out loud: "The beatings will continue until morale improves. That sounds a little kinky."

I roll my eyes at him. "Whatever, Jake. Morale totally needs to improve around here, so I thought I would do my best to remind everyone of that fact. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee and chat in back while I work? I'd love to take a second to catch up with you."

"Sure, sure. Sounds good."

Jake walks behind the counter and grabs his coffee while I head to the back.

"So, I bet life is pretty calm these days without the excitement of being a movie star. That had to have been a real rush."

"It was all right. I was a little surprised at how easy it all was. I guess there is going to be a premiere here in Forks, which I'll have to attend, and then the premieres around the world, too."

"Oh my god, Jake, are you serious? You get to go to London, Paris, Berlin, Tokyo?"

"Yeah, I guess. Plus, this is coming out at the end of the year, so there are going to be award shows to do, too. I could really do without all of that, but it is part of the show, and I am supposed to be there."

I'm silent for a moment as I take all of that in. Filming a movie is actually a rather tedious process; it's very slow moving, with cameras and lights to set up, costumes and make up to be touched up, seemingly nonstop. Actors sometimes end up waiting for hours for the scene to be set up just right. This process continues for weeks, until all the filming is complete. Once the film is ready for distribution, the circus really begins. There are TV and print interviews, premieres, and press junkets.

If The Noble Savage is well received, which is usually the case for Masen Masterworks pieces, my old buddy Jake could wind up in Cannes. He could be at the SAGs, the Golden Globes, or the Oscars. In my puny brain, I never wrapped my head around all the glam that comes with marketing a movie. I just thought about the end product, the DVD version I end up watching at home.

That realization plants another, bigger concept in my head—Edward knows all this. He understands inherently how different his world is from my own. He anticipated bringing me to these shindigs, the parties, and the awards. He asked me to come back to LA with him anyway, knowing that I'm a snarky, reserved, plain, private girl. I'm someone who bakes buns for a living, in a town with a population of 3,275 inhabitants. I'm unrefined. I'm a tomboy. I swear enough to make a sailor blush. Yet despite all of this, he was prepared to stand by my side and bring me to his public functions, in front of all the beautiful, perfect Hollywood women. This stunningly handsome man, who is chased non-stop by actresses and fans alike, was willing to forego all that perfect beauty to be with me. And what did I do? I threw it all away. I forced it back into his face. I fucking crushed his feelings. Oh god, I fucked up. I fucked up so badly, there is no way to make this right. I suddenly feel like I've been punched in the stomach, and I double over.

"Bella? Are you okay? You look like you're going to be sick!"

I have my hands resting on my knees in an attempt to brace myself and avoid dropping to the ground. I'm breathing a little too quickly and getting lightheaded. What the hell did I do?

"Yeah, I just gotta breathe for a minute. Sorry, Jake."

I hear the telltale giggle from the song "Hungry Like the Wolf," Jake's signature ring tone, burst forth out of thin air. I try not to eavesdrop as he answers, but I can't help hearing Jacob's side of the conversation.

"Yep, this is Jake."

"What?"

"When? Are you sure it needs to happen?"

"Tomorrow! How long will it take?"

"Um, okay, I guess. So, Tanya will be there, too?"

"All right, then. I'll see you tomorrow."

Jake hangs up and gives the phone a perplexed look.

"Huh. Looks like I'm going to fly to LA tomorrow on the Masen jet for a re-shoot. A couple of the scenes got botched."

"Wow, LA, Jake! I'm so jealous! I would give my eyeteeth to go with you! I've never been anywhere except Seattle."

Jake ponders my comment for a second. "I have a crazy idea—come with me! You can hang out, see the sights, take it all in for a weekend. I mean, my flight and hotel are covered, so you could just stay with me! We'd have a total blast, Bells, you gotta admit!"

I'm beaming from ear to ear, not able to wipe the silly grin off of my face. "I'd love to go, but are you sure it's okay? I'd only be able to go for the weekend, because I can't leave Em and Alice for that long. I don't have that much stuff made ahead in the freezer." I start mentally scouring the logistical tactics required to make something like this work. "I've never really taken a vacation since we've owned the café, and the idea of a weekend off sounds incredible. Is there any way for you to call Masen to see if it's okay that I tag along?"

"Sure, I'll call Rose. Gimme just a sec."

I don't even hear Jake talking in the background; my mind goes straight to Edward Cullen. What would I do if I saw him again? I assumed he would be out of my life forever, but now it's possible I might see him. I don't know that I would even have the nerve to speak to him again after everything that has passed between us. That realization makes me more than a little sad.

What the hell do you expect, Bella? You've been so hard on him, do you think he's actually sitting around pining for you? You told him you never wanted to see him again, so that's what will likely happen if you end up in his territory. You better prepare yourself for that eventuality.

"Bella, you're never going to believe this—Rosalie is actually coming up here for the weekend, so the jet was just going to ferry back and forth between Forks and LA anyways. It will work perfectly, and they're totally okay with your coming down."

Once again, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I'm going to see him!

"Wow, I don't even know what to say! Thanks for thinking of it, I need this so badly, you have no idea."

"Well, you better tell Emmett and Alice right away. The plane will leave around 9:00 AM tomorrow."

"Okay, where am I supposed to meet you?"

"They're sending a town car for me. I'll just have them swing by your house in the morning."

I jump up and give Jake a huge bear hug, but it looks more like a rabbit hugging a wolf. Jacob is huge standing next to me. I can barely get my arms around him. He gives me a chaste peck on my cheek, finishes his coffee, and is on his way. I go out front to break the news to Alice; in my excitement, I forgot how much this will hurt her, knowing I might possibly see Jasper while I'm in LA. An opportunity like this only happens once in a lifetime, though, and I simply cannot pass it up.

I walk up next to my tiny friend, who is staring at her Vamp nail polish, expressionless. It cuts into my heart every time I see her without any trace of emotion. It makes her nearly unrecognizable.

"Hey, pipsqueak. I've been asked to go to LA with Jake for the weekend, because he needs to do a re-shoot for Masen. If I go, do you think you and Em will be okay without me? You know I've never traveled anywhere, and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me. Please, Ali? It would mean the world to me."

I see her eyes perk up minutely. "Oh! Maybe you'll see…never mind. Of course you can go, Bella. I would never ask you to stay behind." Her face has fallen again. I'm certain she was thinking of Jasper.

I hug Alice tightly as I jump up and down. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I almost sing out. I give her a big peck on the cheek. "You have no idea how much this means to me!"

"Well, at least one of the three of us will be happy for a day or two. I'll consider it a vicarious experience for me and Em."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, Rosalie is going to be here for the weekend. She's flying in on the Masen jet, which will then bring Jake down to LA. Then she'll fly back when the jet returns me home. Jake will need to stay longer than the weekend, but I obviously cannot."

"That's good news for Emmett. He'll be in seventh heaven." I can tell Alice is trying to sound hopeful, but her voice is just…flat.

I nearly whisper to Alice, "If I see Jasper there, I'll let him know how you feel. If you want me to, that is." I see her eyebrows perk up, but that's all. She heaves a big, heavy sigh that expresses the weight she is bearing on her tiny shoulders.

"No, Bella, I need to get on with my own life. Jasper was obviously just a fling. I'll be fine."

"No you fucking won't, Alice! You have to stop pretending that he didn't mean anything to you, because it is crystal clear to everyone else that you were BOTH in love!"

Before I can finish my thought, Alice interrupts me. "No, we weren't. At the time, it seemed so clear to me that he was in love, but it was just my mind believing what it wanted to. I'll be fine, eventually. It just takes time."

"I'm sure he was in love with you, I could see it in his eyes."

"Enough! He's a professional actor, Bella. He is paid to be good at faking things. Obviously, this was one of those things. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Just leave it at that."

I hug my friend again, and give her a small kiss on the top of her head.

**************************

I have my backpack all set for my weekend in LA. Alice stopped by after work last night to help me choose a few outfits that would be suitable for the trip. Her conclusion was that nothing I have is appropriate for wearing anywhere, but that is an argument we have regularly. She grumbled under her breath about having to work with such ridiculous constraints, but got the job done. Sometimes I wonder why she opened a café at all; her ability to see clothing combinations from the most disparate pieces available always amazes me. That is her true, god-given talent.

Of course, I had a three-hour lecture from Charlie about the dangers of Los Angeles. He was worried about my being caught up in the cross fire of gang activity, or getting raped, or mugged, or in a car accident. He gave me a can of mace to carry with me on my keychain, gave me his signature manhug, and told me to enjoy myself. I know it is hard for him, but he is coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult now. I really love my dad, but he can be a pain in the neck when his inner police chief comes out.

I spent the night dreaming about being married. The strange part is, I have no idea to whom I was married in the dream. I couldn't see his face. Curiously, I didn't want to see his face. I had the worst sense of malaise and felt utterly trapped. I kept thinking to myself, "Where is Edward? Shouldn't he be here? When will he come save me?"

I wake up and realize, finally and clearly, that I'm living the wrong life. For whatever reason, I've been unable or unwilling to see or imagine a life with Edward. It wasn't until I dreamed the wrong life that I recognized the correct one. I need to get out of the rut where I do not go past "GO," do not collect $200, and do not get out of jail for free. In short, I need a massive do over. Now. If it is at all possible.

If you told me a year ago that Masen Masterworks would arrive in Forks to film a movie, that Alice would meet the man of her dreams, and that I would fall in love with Edward Cullen, I would have asked Charlie to bring over the drug-sniffing dogs, because you would have been smoking crack. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. After my dream, however, I realize that it could happen to me, if only I allow it. And fuck me, I'm going to try to allow it as much as I possibly can.

I hear the doorbell ring, while I'm zoning out on the couch, just waiting. The sudden noise makes me jump up nervously. The chauffeur offers to take my ratty backpack with a slight grimace on his face, as I lock the front door behind me. My phone buzzes as I step into the limo. I open it to find a text message from Alice.

ILY, will miss u for 3 days. Paint the town red 4 me, k? U deserve this. U rly do - A

I text her back quickly.

ILY2, silly. I'll miss u crazy. B thinkin of u. – B

I turn to beam a smile at Jake. I feel like a little kid at Christmas time, giddy with anticipation. I see the same kind of smile on his face, too. Clearly, we don't get out much. Rosalie is still in the limo when it picks me up, so our next stop is Alice and Emmett's house. Rose spends the entire ride furiously texting on her phone. She doesn't even say a word to me, she just nods in my direction without looking up to see me. She either can't stand me, or can't be bothered with me. I just sit there quietly, watching the vivid green forests of Forks pass by.

When we get to Emmett's place, Rosalie turns to Jacob and says, "Edward isn't going to be at Masen when you arrive in town, so just make sure you listen to what Eric Yorkie wants; he's the Assistant Director. Tanya is going to be there, too, and it might not be a bad idea for you be seen going out together, you know, to hype interest in the movie. You'll be staying at Chateau Marmont, and there are always paps there, so just watch out. Be seen, but don't be seen too much. You know what I mean?"

She then turned to address me. "Like I said, Edward won't be around, so you two won't have to worry about duking it out at Masen. He isn't coming back until Monday. And speaking of Monday, I need to get back to LA as early as I can, so you may have a very early wake up call. I'm sorry about that, but it is the only way I could swing getting you down to LA for the weekend, too. Don't be late!" With that, she launched out the door, following the chauffeur who was hauling her suitcase to the front door. Rose is only about half way to the door when I see it swing open and watch Emmett charge down the steps. I'm all astonishment when Rose squeals out loud and runs to meet Emmett. She jumps into his arms, hooks her legs around his waist, and dives into a deep kiss. I'm slightly mortified to be the witness of this passion, but I'm thrilled for Emmett. He has been missing Rose terribly over the past few weeks, and from all signs, she missed him just as much. I simply hope to myself that they don't rub their relationship in Alice's face all weekend. That would make her even more upset than she already is.

******************************

When I step onto Masen's jet, my mouth drops open. In front of me are eight leather seats that look extremely comfortable, yet elegant. The two seats in the far back have worktables in front of them. Since I plan to read the whole way to LA, I seat myself there. Jake decides to sit next to me. We spend most of the flight in companionable silence. It dawns on me that I've never flown anywhere in my life, but my first plane trip is in a private jet, speeding to LA. That thought makes me giggle.

When Alice selected my wardrobe for this weekend, she made me promise to wear a cute, deep blue peasant top that she recently bought for me. She always complains that I can't dress myself, and is forever buying things for me online. God knows, we rarely have any time to go out shopping ourselves, thank goodness. Typically, I would complain to no end about her insisting on choosing my wardrobe, but since I'm going to be in LA, the world capital of narcissism, I have gladly deferred to her on this occasion. My view on dressing up is simple: If you don't have anything you wish to showcase, why bother? Let's be honest, I have absolutely nothing to showcase, but I need to at least be presentable. I suddenly feel very self-conscious. I did take the extra time to fix my hair and put on a minimal amount of makeup, however, so I shouldn't cause anyone to scream out loud when they see me.

I am in awe of the view from the jet, especially as we approach LA. The city is huge. It is just another reminder of how different my world is from Edward Cullen's. How could I ever exist in a place like this? I would be chewed up and spit out in 30 seconds flat. I'm thrilled to be visiting, though; I feel confident that I can probably survive a visit.

When we land, we see a limo waiting for us near the plane's hangar. Jake and I hop aboard, and it whisks us away from the airport. Again, I am marveling at the sights in front of me as we speed by. I'm amazed at once by a myriad of things: The enormous amount of people everywhere; the traffic; the noise; the brilliant sunlight; the busyness of life. I am positively in shock and awe. My mouth was literally dangling open for more than half an hour.

I am utterly surprised when our final destination is in view: Masen Masterworks' studio and offices. I thought I was going straight to the hotel? I remember Rosalie saying that Edward is out of town this weekend, for which I am eternally grateful, but it still feels so wrong to be at the studios. I'm the last person who belongs here. Apparently, however, I have no choice in the matter. The limo deposits us at the front door and promptly leaves.

We walk through the entrance into the lobby and reception area. The offices are very modern, with clean lines, tons of natural lighting, and muted tones. It is all at once hip, posh, and classy. I can totally envision Edward in this environment. It just reminds me so much of him. We walk up to the receptionist, but I'm kind of hiding behind Jake, since I don't belong here. Sooner or later, someone will figure that out, and make me go outside to wait. I'm sure of that.

A very kind looking older woman looks up from her desk and gives Jake a warm smile.

"Oh, are you Mr. Black? We've been expecting you! My name is Mrs. Cope, I'm the Masen Masterworks receptionist. If you need anything, anything at all, just let me know. Mr. Yorkie is in one of the back studios. I'll have his assistant come out to meet you."

Fortunately for me, Jake is huge, and I can hide quite easily behind him. Mrs. Cope doesn't even see me. That is, until the stupid dork steps aside and brings me into plain view.

"Mrs. Cope, this is my friend, Bella Swan. She worked on the film with me when we were in Forks. We were thinking she could just head to our hotel…do you think you could arrange for that?"

"Of course, Mr. Black. I'd be happy to help Ms. Swan."

I finally find my voice. "It's Bella, actually. Just Bella."

Mrs. Cope gives me a funny look that I don't quite understand. She stands up and asks, "Would you care for a tour of the studios, Ms. Swan? It may be a while before we can get you to the hotel. I just need to let Ms. Cullen know you're here."

"I wouldn't want to bother anyone..." I begin.

"Oh, I'm happy to show you around. It won't be any bother."

In the meantime, Eric Yorkie's assistant comes and gets Jake. He gives my hand a quick squeeze, and suddenly, I'm on my own. I have to admit, I'm dying to see the studios. It is the chance to see the other side of making movies, and I can hardly wait to see it all. Knowing that Edward isn't anywhere near the premises helps me to relax a little bit and take in the view. Mrs. Cope shows me around the offices, explaining everyone's role at Masen. In the hallway outside of Edward's office, there are huge framed photographs of the Masen family. Esme is there, and she looks twenty years younger than she really is. Her kindness is evident on every feature of her face. Seeing her next to Edward, you can make out the physical characteristics they share. On the other side of Edward is Carlisle, who is as breathtakingly handsome as his son, but in a different way. He looks so dignified. I would trust that man with my life, he looks so earnest and competent.

"Oh, I see you have found the pictures of our staff. Mr. Cullen is certainly handsome, isn't he? I've known him since he was a child."

"But you look to be about the same age…"

Mrs. Cope titters. "No, I'm referring to Mr. Edward Cullen, not Dr. Carlisle Cullen."

I blush at my mistake. "What was he like, as a child?" I ask, my curiosity getting the better part of me.

"You know, Edward was always a pretty serious child, but he was happy and very creative. Extremely intelligent and very focused, even as a youngster. He has always had the highest integrity, going out of his way to help the kids who had no one to defend them. That's how he met Jasper Whitlock, you know."

"Um, no, actually, I had no idea. Wow."

"People complain about Edward sometimes because he can be so stiff. He really does have a heart of gold once you get to know him. He is especially good to the people who work for him. He never once made me feel like I was unimportant because I'm not a heavy hitter. So many people you run into in Hollywood won't even give you the time of day if you are unimportant or imperfect. Edward Cullen has never been like that."

I'm positively surprised by Mrs. Cope's revelation. That is certainly a side of Edward Cullen that I've never experienced. I always got the impression that the underlings were unimportant to him, but now I'm not so sure. This woman has known him all of his life, and has nothing but praise for him. Clearly, she knows him far better than I do. Is it possible that Edward's social awkwardness just makes it hard for him to create a good first impression? Could the behaviors I chalked up to being a snob actually be due to nervousness instead? It's almost like I'm looking at the situation through a different pair of lenses. What used to be blurry now looks crystal clear. I fucking misjudged him! This new perspective falls over me like a lead curtain, and I'm instantly sorry for my past behavior. I truly have been too hard on him. He really has a heart of gold and I never once allowed myself a deep enough look to see it. I fucked up. Big time. My own closed mind made me biased from the start.

Mrs. Cope finishes the tour, so I've seen the entire production area and the offices. I'm about to ask for a cab to the hotel, when the front door chimes. When I glance over, I see Esme Cullen walk in, looking perfectly poised and beautiful, and apparently trying to cover up her laughter. A moment later, I understand what the laughter is for. Edward is behind her, soaking wet and looking quite ornery.

OH. MY. GOD. There are no words for a wet Edward Cullen.

I stand there, gawking like an idiot at Edward. He's dripping water all over the floor. His fuckhot sexhair is in its usual disarray, except little droplets are falling from his messy, sopping wet bangs, onto his cheeks. His white button down shirt is clinging to his chest, beautifully profiling his physique. His wet dress pants are clinging to his legs. I'm positive he hired a fluffer to come by and outline his junk, because his package is perfectly poised and just waiting to be opened. I swear to myself that I'm not exaggerating.

Esme breaks the uncomfortable silence and my unfortunate ogling incident.

"Oh my goodness, Bella! What on earth are you doing here? It's so lovely to see you, dear!"

"I, umm, I'm, well, I…I came to LA for the weekend with Jacob. He invited me. Rosalie is in Forks for the weekend, so I'm here…" I blush profusely while I babble.

As I'm babbling, Edward starts walking over to me. I can't concentrate on the conversation AND look at him at the same time. It's just dangerous to attempt both at once.

"Edward, I'm so sorry to be here. I was assured that you would be gone for the weekend, otherwise I would never have come. I just need to get a cab and then I'll be gone. Really, I'm just so sorry."

"Bella, please stay here for five minutes. I'll be right back."

"But…"

"Please. I beg you, just five minutes. All right?"

"Uh, sure. Okay."

Edward quickly runs in the direction of his office.

Esme now walks over to me and grabs me in a deep embrace. "I didn't think I'd get the chance to see you again, Bella Swan. I can't tell you how delightful it is to walk in here and see your beautiful face! It is such a pleasant surprise!"

"Well, Jake asked if I wanted to come with him, because I've never left the state of Washington before, and Rosalie was in Forks for the weekend, so she said it would be okay if I tagged along with him. You don't mind, do you?"

"Mind? Don't be silly. I'm thrilled to have you here! Did you get the tour?"

"Yes, Mrs. Cope showed me all around. It's very impressive. I had no idea what the production end of filmmaking was like. It's fascinating."

Just then, Edward is walking swiftly back towards us, pulling a shirt over his head as he moves along. As I watch the shirt slip over his chest and trunk, I'm silently willing it to fly back off. Despite my best efforts, the shirt remains on. His hair appears to be toweled dry, too. Well, that will at least help me keep my focus a little more easily.

"Bella, I'm so sorry I just left you standing here. Thank god my Mother could keep you company. I inadvertently got caught in the sprinkler system. Have you had the chance to be escorted around the property? Would you like to have a tour?"

"Um, Mrs. Cope showed me around already. Edward, I'm really sorry to barge in on you like this. I was assured you'd be gone, so I wouldn't be intruding. Really, I feel terrible about it. If you could just call a cab for me, I'll get out of your way."

It is Esme who addresses my concern. "Bella, we only just changed our plans to keep us in town this weekend. Please, don't worry about being here. Since this is your first visit to Los Angeles, we can hardly have you run back to your hotel and hide yourself away! We were going to go out to dinner tonight with Jacob and Tanya, and we'd absolutely love to have you join us."

"That's awfully generous of you, Esme, but I can't possibly accept."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'm just tagging along here; I don't really belong. I was planning to walk around Hollywood and see the sights."

Edward is gazing intensely at my face. It feels like he is looking straight into my soul. He speaks to me in a much softer, gentler voice, still laced with that liquid sex tone of his. "We could always give you a personal tour via limo tonight after dinner. Will you please accept our invitation? Please?"

How could I possibly say no to those intense eyes, the liquid sex, the hot chest, or the package that I want so badly to open? It takes a far stronger person than me to turn him down.

"I'd love to join you," I reply, with a small smile, which fades instantly when I remember. "Oh no, wait, I can't."

"Why not?" Edward asks, frowning.

"All I have is my clothes from Forks. I'm sure I don't have anything even halfway acceptable to be seen in public with you."

Once again, Esme answers. "We do have a supply of clothing here, you know. We are a movie studio, after all. I'll get our stylist Laurent to set you up. How often do you get to paint the town red in Los Angeles? We'll make this a trip worth remembering for you. I promise."

"I just don't feel like I can accept. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Bella Swan, you are exactly where you need to be. I don't want to hear another word about it, are we clear?"

I look at Edward, who has a huge grin on his face. "It really isn't possible to say no to your mom, is it?" I say, giggling.

"You've no idea," Edward replies with a smirk.

"Okay, then, I guess I'm your captive for the weekend. Do what you will."

Esme claps her hands together in delight. I see her nod silently to Edward, and he offers me his elbow. "May I escort you to the costume area, young lady?"

I smile and shake my head. "Do your worst. I have ceded all control at this point."

Under his breath, so that Esme doesn't hear, Edward whispers to me, "You really shouldn't have said that." The tone of his voice, along with his intense scrutiny, sends shivers down my spine.

******************************

Laurent, Masen's stylist, takes one look at me and mutters something about my being a "winter," and then takes my measurements. He brings back a series of dresses in vivid jewel tones. I've never been much of a girlie-girl, but these dresses are absolutely exquisite. I feel a bit like Cinderella; I fully recognize the corny reference, but I can't help seeing how alike we are—scooped up out of obscurity, dressed to the nines, pursued by a beautiful prince. This is the stuff of pure fairy tales. It cannot possibly be my life. Less than 24 hours ago, I was covered in flour at a bakery in Forks, Washington. Now? I'm clothed in a beautiful deep blue dress. It is strapless with a rose-shaped pucker over the right breast, slightly askew from center. It falls into three soft tiers, above the knee. The Laurent tells me it was something like, "Marchesa." Obviously, that doesn't mean anything to me, but he goes on and on about the Hollywood starlets who wear Marchesa: Anne Hathaway, Sienna Miller, Jessica Alba. Again, means nothing to me except that it is a striking dress that I shouldn't even be allowed to touch, and now I'm fucking wearing it. A pair of naughty heels along with sex kitten waves in my hair and make up complete my look. Typically, I would be making a stink to high heaven, but I really want to at least look a tad like I fit in here. I don't know how Laurent does it, but he makes me look…remotely attractive. In fact, I don't even recognize the image staring back at me from the mirror.

Esme stops in to see how things are progressing, and I hear her gasp.

"What? What is it?" I say, looking around at what may have alarmed her.

"Oh my god, Bella, you are stunning!"

"Oh, yeah, Laurent found a great dress, didn't he? It is really beautiful."

"The dress is fine, but you, you are what is truly dazzling. I can't wait for Edward and Jacob to get a look at you," she says, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the lobby.

The boys are standing there, waiting for me, apparently, and Tanya has her arms crossed. Her body language screams I'm far too important to be kept waiting for you. I have to agree with her.

Jake speaks first. "Wow, Bells, you actually clean up really good! Who knew there was a girl underneath all those layers of snark?"

I whack him on the shoulder for that.

Edward walks up to me, and once again, I gape at him. He is wearing a charcoal gray suit with a cobalt blue shirt, and he is pure and utter schmex. I notice how we're color coordinated, and I have hard time believing that it is a random occurrence. He places his hand on the small of my back, and directs me towards the front doors. As we're walking, he whispers to me, "I hope we can put our past differences aside for the evening, Bella. Will you allow me to escort you wherever we go tonight? I promise to be on my best behavior."

I have a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow or breathe. I simply look into his eyes and nod my head in response.

I notice that Jake has his arm around Tanya, and make a mental note to revisit that with him later.

Carlisle appears out of thin air, and together, the six of us pile into the limo. Edward opens a bottle of champagne and pours glasses for everyone. Before we have a chance to drink, he makes a toast in my honor. "To Bella Swan and her inaugural visit to Los Angeles: May it be the first of many." If I'm not mistaken, Edward winks at me afterwards. We all clink our glasses and drink.

I remind myself that I'm a lightweight, and I need to be careful, because I don't get out much. Plus, I'm drinking champagne on an empty stomach. The last thing I need to do is get bombed off my ass in front of Esme and Carlisle, and throw up in someone's lap.

I'm leaning back in my seat, sitting closely to Edward, sipping my champagne, and watching the lights of the city whirl by. I catch a glimpse of Edward, and notice that he's staring at me. He doesn't appear to be angry, but aside from that, I'm not quite sure what he is feeling. I mean, I barged in on the party in a big way, showing up at his studio, after the dreadful fight we had nearly four weeks ago. But the Edward sitting next to me seems so different than the one I knew in Forks. He is definitely more relaxed and comfortable in his skin. It's like he is in his true element, and I decide that I like this Edward I'm seeing. I give him a small smile, and he gives one back to me.

We arrive at the restaurant, NINETHIRTY, a new LA hot spot. Once again, Edward offers me his arm to escort me into the restaurant. I'm unprepared to have photographers on the sidewalk taking pictures of us, but apparently this sort of thing is commonplace here. The paparazzi hang out by the popular clubs and restaurants, taking pics of anyone with important Hollywood connections. That someone would snap a picture of me, on Edward's arm, is laughable. No one even knows who the hell I am, and they never will. I smirk to myself thinking that I could be referred to as the "Mystery Woman" seen on Edward Cullen's arm at NINETHIRTY. Edward sees my smirk and gives me one in return. I merely shake my head and laugh. Too hard to explain.

No one even talks to the hostess, she merely grabs some menus and says, "Right this way, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen." We follow her to our table, which looks to be the best in the house. It is dazzling and elegant. When I look up, I notice that Jasper is sitting at the table by himself. When our eyes meet, a huge smile breaks over his face, and he jumps up to hug me.

"Oh my god, Bella! I never expected to see you here tonight!"

I hug him tightly. "You have no idea how good it is to see you, Jasper. Are you doing okay?"

His smile fades at that question. "Truthfully?" he whispers. "No, I'm not. But that isn't important right now. Tell me about what is new with you, and Forks."

We move to sit down, and I am in between Edward and Jasper. I know what Jasper is asking me; not about Forks, but about a specific resident in Forks. I glance over at Edward to see his expression, and he has been watching my reaction to Jasper. With a silent nod, he acknowledges so many things at once: His tacit approval of my talking to Jasper about Alice; his approval of his friend's attraction to her; and the knowledge that he was complicit in separating the two. At least I think that is what his nod is telling me, so I decide to boldly move forward.

"Forks hasn't changed in the past forty years, Jasper!" I answer with exasperation. "Except for three lives there that have been touched by three lives here," I finish, softly. Jasper suddenly gets a little gleam in his eye.

"How is she?" He states, plainly.

"I'll be honest with you—she isn't recognizable. It's like someone removed the part of her brain that processes emotions. She has become suddenly very flat."

Jasper winces at the mental image. "I'll never forgive myself for what I did to her. I really won't. I have to admit that I've been feeling just as flat. It's like I woke up on the moon—desolate, meek, and barren. Alice is like the sunshine to me. Do you think she would ever let me talk to her again?"

"I'm not sure, Jasper, but you can always try," he listens and nods his head.

Edward breaks into the conversation, handing me a menu, and describing some of his favorite items. I've never been to such a fancy restaurant, and I feel very intimidated. It's almost as if Edward senses this, and he goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable since I am so far out of my element.

"Do you do this kind of thing a lot?" I ask him.

"What kind of thing? Go out to eat?"

"Well, yeah, that, and the limo, and the photographers. Don't you find it overwhelming?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you at various times when we were in Forks. My world and yours are such different places. Yes, I am very used to this sort of thing, but that doesn't mean I'm always comfortable with it. I don't think I will ever feel calm about having my picture taken everywhere I go around LA. But when it affords me the chance to escort the most beautiful woman of my acquaintance around town, to wine and dine her, this sort of lifestyle can be very amenable to that." He gives me his signature smirk, and I realize that Smirky has come out to play.

"You know, pulling out the smirk puts me at a very distinct disadvantage. It's hardly fair that you dazzle everyone in your path."

"Dazzle? Hardly. I'll have you know I frequently go out without anyone beautiful on my arm. I just got lucky tonight."

Snarky picks that one right up. "You haven't gotten lucky yet, mister, so don't count your eggs before they hatch."

I got him. He stammers, "Oh, I'm so sorry, that isn't what I was implying…"

Now it's my turn to grin. "I know, Edward, I'm only kidding. It's just that you set that nugget in my lap, how could I ignore it?!"

He leans over and gently tucks my hair behind my ear. Whispering, he tells me, "There are other nuggets I would desperately love to set in your lap. Make no mistake about that."

The feeling of his hot breath in my ear, along with the words he murmurs, gives me the shivers. To add insult to injury, he moves his nose to where his mouth had been just moments before, and continues to breathe in and out. I lean away from him, watching his amused expression at how easily he turned me into his captive.

We continue to steal glances at each other throughout dinner. Edward is attentive, warm, and funny. He's everything I never expected him to be, and absolutely everything I need. He looks at me with an intensity that is almost scary, yet I'm so turned on by it I feel like I'm going to explode. He leans over with an uncharacteristic boldness and says, very quietly, "I can't fucking wait to taste you all over my lips. I can't wait until I'm finally buried deep inside you. I want nothing more than to see your eyes looking into mine as I make you cum."

How the hell do you respond to something like that? The hot words, uttered with his hot breath, gang up on me. I'm completely his. All I can do is whimper. Who is this hot and seductive man, and what did he do with Edward Cullen? The question is rhetorical, of course, because I don't want an answer. I just want to keep listening to his sexy words spoken with the sexiest voice I've ever heard. I'm completely and utterly under his spell.

Esme says from across the table, "Bella, dear, are you all right? You look so flushed!" Her remarking on my blush only makes matters worse. I'm now likely an impressive shade of scarlet.

"It must be all the champagne. It always makes my cheeks turn pink," I answer lamely.

Edward pounces on that statement. "Oh really? I could've sworn—mmmph!"

I quickly dive in to kiss him, to keep him from saying what he was going to say. On an impulse, the only thing I could think of was kissing him. Well, that's not completely true; kissing him is something that's been on my mind ever since I saw him dripping wet on the floor at Masen Studios. Honestly, I was dripping wet on the floor only moments after ogling him in that state. So while there may be myriad other things to do to keep Edward quiet, the most appealing choice is the kiss.

When our lips touch, the flush from my cheeks spreads all over my body. His lips are so soft I melt right into them. He tastes like red wine and he smells incredible. I'm so dizzy, the room seems to be spinning. Even though the kiss began as a means to shut him up, it deepens into something much stronger than that almost at once. Edward's beautiful hands cup my cheeks while his tongue lightly darts in and out of my mouth. I suck his upper lip into my mouth, causing him to release a moan. I've always been appalled by public displays of affection in the past. It just seems wrong to be so open about something that is so private—an extremely intimate moment that should be kept for the two individuals sharing it. Somehow, when Edward kisses me, I forget all about everyone else. It's just me, Edward, and the kiss. That is, until I hear Jake clearing his throat. Oh fuck, we aren't all alone!

"Nice, Bella. Let the guy up for a minute so he can breathe, why don't you? Or, at the very least, get yourselves a room."

My crimson friend returns to my cheeks with a vengeance. I open my mouth to speak, but Edward beats me to the punch. "Does anyone feel like going dancing? I think it would be a blast to show Bella and Jake how we roll in LA."

I hear Tanya scream at the top of her lungs. If I didn't know better, I would think she was being accosted. And not in a good way.

"OH! Yes, yes, yes, let's go! C'mon Jake, it'll be so much fun!"

Jake just shrugs in reply and says, "Sure, why not?"

Edward grabs my hand under the table and gives it a squeeze. Looking directly into my eyes, he says, "I hope that's okay—I'm not ready for the night to be over yet."

I nod and smile at him. "I'm just grateful you were able to get them off the subject of our kiss for a minute. I so did not want to go there with Jake, if you know what I mean."

Jasper quietly interrupts. "I think I'm going to head on home, if that's okay with you, Edward. I'm bushed."

Edward gives his friend a sad look and pats him on the back. "Of course, dude. We'll catch up tomorrow. Drive safely." Jasper gives him a sad smile and walks away from us.

We all stand up and make our way towards the exit. I'm thrilled to learn that Carlisle and Esme will be joining us tonight as well. I'm so happy in this moment, walking arm in arm next to this incredibly handsome man, enjoying the company of his delightful and kind parents, and my friend by my side, seemingly lost in love himself. I've never seen Jake make googly eyes before, but he and Tanya are having one awesome love connection, from the looks of it.

Sitting next to him in the limo, Edward smiles beautifully at me, just a lovely, genuine smile. He places his palm on one of my cheeks and pulls me in for a quick kiss. He pulls his face away from me slightly, but starts stroking my cheek with his thumb. "I never want to forget that kiss, or any of your kisses. I'd love the chance to get even more."

Perhaps I was feeling bolder because of the alcohol, but my filter is definitely damaged. Now it's my turn to whisper in Edward's ear. "Are you sure that's all you want?"

Edward's smile suddenly turns darker, more intense. "You have no idea all I want to do to you. I'm afraid I'll scare you off if admit to all the ways I want to have you."

His look, combined with his voice, combined with my imagination, collide in that moment and conspire to make me dripping wet. Feeling bold, I slide my hand on Edward's leg, moving it to the inside of his thigh, and I give it a little squeeze. Then I look directly into his eyes and tell him, "It doesn't scare me, it just makes me so incredibly wet." I glance down into his lap and notice his hands are balled into fists. Now it is my turn to smirk, seeing the effect that I have on him.

"Bella, where we're going, there are lots of dark little corners to get lost in. You better be careful, because you never know what you'll find waiting for you."

******************************

EPOV

When someone mesmerizes your soul, you aren't supposed to obsess about the details. When you meet the person who is destined to be your soul mate, you have to accept that fate. If you don't, you will always wind up miserable and unfulfilled. The bottom line is that it is no accident that Bella and I met—the planets aligned in just the right way, and the universe clearly meant for us to be together. I can't possibly fight this. So she is a baker from a small town in Washington, and I'm a director in LA. It doesn't matter, ultimately. For once in my life, I am going with my gut instinct—I refuse to overthink this for another moment longer.

Seeing Bella at the Masen Studios is like a gift, and I instantly determine that destiny is giving me a second chance to win her heart. How else could she possibly be standing in front of me under any other circumstances? I refuse to lose her again—I'm fucking re-writing the script.

When Bella sheepishly stepped out from Laurent's studio earlier, I felt my knees buckle. I've never had such a strong physical reaction to a woman before, but she fucking blows me away. She looks every bit the young Hollywood ingénue, and her hair cascades around her shoulders in sexy waves. My cock, naturally, stands up to salute in appreciation of her beauty. Fuck, I'm going to be hard all goddamned night long.

I'm not sure if it is the champagne, the fact that she is away from her element, or simply the awe of being in LA, but the Bella next to me all night is a completely different creature from the snarkmeister I knew in Forks. She is extremely flirty with me tonight, and I can't keep my hands off of her. Her scent wafts over me every time I lean in to whisper in her ear. If I thought I was in love with her in Forks, it is nothing compared to this. I simply cannot keep my hands off of her.

Not ready for the evening to be over following our dinner, we head to one of my favorite clubs, Les Deux. My favorite part of the bar is that they show foreign films and vintage fashion shows on the walls. I love the New Wave era of European film, and there is always one featured whenever we happen to go there. I have a sense that Bella will love it, too.

Our party sits down at a round table near the bar, and we order a round of drinks. Fortunately, the music is rather loud, so I need to lean in to Bella whenever we say something, and she does likewise. I find an excuse to do this frequently, and before long, I notice that Bella is leaning on my shoulder without pulling away. I merely have to turn my head a notch, and she's right there for me. I'm enveloped in her scent, and I'm hard as hell. God, I want her so badly. If I didn't know better, I would say she wants me to, the way she keeps rubbing her thighs together. She's driving me fucking crazy.

Suddenly, Jake appears, grabs Bella's arm, and yanks her onto the dance floor. I'm pissed as hell to not have her leaning on my shoulder anymore, but watching her dance with abandon from my vantage point has its benefits. Her arms are lifted above her head, and she shimmies her hips so seductively. The best part about all this? She has no fucking idea how sexy she is. She thinks she just a girl, dancing and having fun. She's actually the hottest girl I've ever known, and she appears to be gyrating out there for me alone.

Me. Mine. Bella Swan is MINE.

Where the fuck did that come from? I'm not a possessive guy, but the thought of anyone else lusting after her, of anyone else kissing her, makes me want to run out there and sling her over my shoulder, just to make it perfectly clear that she came here with me, and she'll be leaving here with me. In fact, I need to go relieve Jake of his best friend duties. I turn to Tanya, and tell her to come with me and take Jake off my hands. Her look isn't any more pleased than mine is, so she comes along willingly.

As I make my way towards Bella, she spots me when I'm about half way there. I'm staring at nothing but her, but I see her look around. How can she think that I could possibly be looking at anyone besides her? Does she truly have no idea how fucking hot she is? All I want to do is grab her, wrap her legs around my waist, and fuck her senseless. I see her swallow hard when I'm almost there. Good, you should be nervous, Swan. Because now you're all mine.

I reach her and promptly place my hands on either side of her waist, saying only "Bella." I sink into her throat and kiss her there. She carefully bends her head further to the side, giving me better access to her neck. I pull myself up close to her, so she can feel how much I want her.

She catches me by surprise when she slides her small hands over my ass, giving my cheeks a squeeze and pulling me in closer to her. She turns her head to meet mine, and we sink into a deep kiss. The beat of the loud bass is pounding through the room, and it is the exact rhythm I would choose to thrust into Bella if she were underneath me at the moment. I grab her hands and pull her away from the dance floor, towards one of the dark corners I mentioned earlier. I back her into the wall and place my palms on either side of her head. We pick up where we left off, except that now Bella has her leg entwined around one of my hips, and her fingers are snaked into my hair. I practically growl at her, I'm so fucking turned on. I've never been a shy guy sexually, but it is taking all my effort not to rip her clothes off of her. And the best part of all? She's just as into as I am.

I'm feeling bold, so I ask her, "Do you mind coming back to my place so we can talk where it isn't so noisy?"

She smirks at me. "Okay, Romeo, I see right through your thinly veiled plot to have your evil way with me."

Shit. I came on too strong and now her snark is back.

"Bella, I truly do want to talk. And make out. It's just awfully, umm, public here."

Her face instantly turns concerned, and she drops her leg from my hip immediately. "Oh my god, Edward, I totally forgot about the paparazzi! Fuck, I'm so sorry! Will everything be okay?"

Her worried face is so adorable I have to kiss it. "It's fine, but it isn't going to take long for them to figure out who is making out in this corner. Either that, or some fan will start filming us on their fucking iPhone."

"Of course we can go back to your place. I'd like that, actually." She looks up and gives me a shy smile.

"Let's find everybody and let them know what we're up to. We can grab a cab over to my place."

I grab her hand and she follows me back to the bar, where my mom and dad are leaning into each other's shoulders. Once again, when I look at them, I see Bella and me in a few years' time. That's what I want, and I'm determined to get it this time.

I lean over to my parents and fill them in on our plans. My Mom gives me a knowing smile, but makes no comment. My Dad, being a guy, winks at me. I glance over at Bella to find that she is beet red. Oh yeah, she saw that. Shit.

I call a cab from inside the bar, and we wait together for it to arrive. I'm simply holding her in a hug, with my lips resting on top of her head. The cab calls my cell phone to let me know that they've arrived, and I quickly prep Bella for the onslaught.

"The paps are gonna be out there, and you'll see a sea of lights flashing as we get into the cab. Just hold my hand and we'll run for it, okay?"

She looks a bit stunned, but nods her head. When we slam the cab door behind us, the fuckers are still peering in the window, trying to take more pictures. I hate to indoctrinate her with such a rude awakening, but I have no choice; this is my life now.

The cab speeds away and I take a moment to tell Bella something that has been weighing heavily on my soul since I got back to LA.

"There's been something I've been meaning to tell you since I saw you this morning. Edith Wharton said, 'There are two ways of spreading the light: To be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.' Bella, you've always been the candle; I will never be more than the mirror that reflects your beautiful, pure light. No matter what happens, I just want you to know that."

She grabs my face and kisses me passionately in reply. "I need to tell you something, too: This scares me, more than you will ever know, but I can't fight it. I've never really done this before, let myself go, but I have to, or it will drive me crazy. I can't deny how I feel, even though it would feel so much safer if I could."

I kiss her back, more gently. "Then don't. I need your light, Bella."

We arrive at my house. I pay our fare and we quickly move to the front door; you never know what paps might be hanging around with a telephoto lens. Now that we're here, I'm trying to remember what condition I left the house in this morning. I have a housekeeper, of course, but there still the possibility I left dirty clothes or porn lying around. After a quick mental summary, I remember that everything looks just fine.

I open the door and usher Bella in. As I shut the door, I feel Bella's small hands on my ass, and I can't turn around fast enough. I've been impossibly hard for hours, and I need to have her in my arms. The second our lips meet, my body feels lit up like a Christmas tree. Bella is suddenly a wild animal, attacking me like her prey. She hops up and hooks her legs around my hips, never breaking from our kiss. I turn around and lean into the door, grinding my hard cock into her. If ever she questioned my attraction for her, I've eliminated any doubts just now. And if I had any doubts about her attraction to me, her reaching behind me to grab my ass and use it as leverage to grind herself into me erased all that in my mind.

She breaks from our kiss, panting, but still grinding away. Looking me square in the eyes, she takes a deep breath, and asks me, "Is it bad for me to admit that I want you so badly it makes me feel desperate?"

Returning the intensity of her gaze, I answer, "Not unless it's bad for me to admit that I've been waiting for someone exactly like you my entire life."

The look of relief on her face is immediate and gratifying.

We're still connected at the hips, but just resting our foreheads against each other and panting. I feel Bella start to unwind her legs from around my waist. What is this fuckery? Don't leave!

She instantly addresses what must be a pathetically panicked look on my face. "I just wanted to get a glass of water. I'm kind of out of breath."

"Oh, I'm willing and able to do that, just so long as I can come back to where we left off."

"If you thought you were going to get away from me, you've got another thing coming. Water, then get your ass right back to where it was. Pronto."

"Yes, ma'am!"

As I'm in my kitchen, I hear Bella's phone ringing. I don't hear what she's saying, just that she is talking to someone. When I quickly return to the other room, Bella is white as a ghost, and she absently drops the phone from her grasp. She looks straight at me, shaking her head slowly back and forth.

"Bella? What?"

"I…can't. I, um, I…fuck, Edward, this is really horrible…"

"It's okay, shh, we'll fix it. Just tell me what's going on."

"Get your laptop out. The OK magazine website."

Shit. I know this is not going to be good.

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER: LOVE ON THE NOBLE SAVAGE SET!!

Cougar and her cub prey upon the Masen Masterworks family fortune!!

Pics from Bella and me entering NINETHIRTY and an older pic of James and Renee are directly below the heading. I don't need to read this crap any further to know it's a blatant untruth.

James! What the fuck is he up to now?

"Bella, I need to do a couple of things really quick. Here, why don't you sit down and drink your water. Give me a minute, okay?"

She just nods and sits down, looking like she got punched in the gut. I know exactly how she feels.

I send out texts to Esme and Rosalie. This shit has to get fixed, now. It's all my fault that things got so out of control, I should have figured out that's what James was up to all along. And I have no doubts it's all about money. Why the fuck did he have to pull Bella into all this—she doesn't deserve this shit.

I glance over at Bella, and see the tears fall from her eyes. She lifts up a shaky hand to wipe them off of her cheeks. I silently promise her, I'll make this right, Bella.

I sit down next to her on the couch, without touching, and wait for the calls to come in.

END NOTE:

For link to see Bella's night on the town dress, go to my profile page.

One reader, belami, requested that I include a list of all Bella's t-shirts to date. Here it is:

Some days it isn't even worth chewing through the restraints

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but the duties are largely ceremonial

We're All Mad Here—You'll Fit Right In

I have a positive attitude (but it may be a false positive)

Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies

How did you get past my spam filter?

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion

I keep the best snacks under my apron (on apron, not t-shirt)

Sarcasm, just one more service I offer

Quileute Tribal School Killer Whales (includes lettering J. BLACK)

Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanent

Instant Human (Just Add Coffee)

Don't make me use my librarian voice

You read my shirt. That's enough social interaction for the day

The beatings will continue until morale improves