Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings don't belong to me. I also don't own the work of Sir Mix-A-Lot

I'm adjusting to being dead.

I was having lunch with Morisato-san and a Sei-san something or other, one of Morisato's friends. Little blond girl, sort of puts me in mind of a mouse. She didn't say anything and never looked up the whole length of the meal. Maybe his girlfriend, I don't know. I was only sitting with them because he'd called me over.

We were just talking about roommate stuff, how we liked the academy, that sort of thing. The sort of things two guys forced to share a dorm room talk about during their first week together.

I asked Sei how she liked the academy, just to be polite. I wasn't here to make friends, in fact the colder I was the better off I'd probably be.

She didn't really meet my eyes, opened her mouth and said-

"I like big BUTTS and I can not lie!"

Okay, that was unexpected.

"You other brothers can't deny!"

Half the people in the room turned to see the commotion, me included. There was a skinny kid in glasses, standing about two meters away from our table and shouting at the top of his lungs.

"What on earth-" said Morisato.

I was kind of wondering that myself. Soul society hip hop? I recognized the tune; it was an American song. What I wasn't sure of was exactly why this kid was disturbing my lunch. He liked big butts and he couldn't lie, fine, that was his business. I didn't need to know about it.

I sighed. I was going to have to do something about it; the kid in question was so red in the face he looked like he was having a coronary and he'd clenched his fists so tight you could almost hear the bones squeak. He had bullied written all over him, poor little bastard.

"Do the dance!" Someone shouted. "Come on, do the damn dance!"

Okay, enough, I was trying to eat my damn lunch here, I didn't need to see a dance or hear any more of the musical number. "Hey kid! Knock it off, I'm trying to eat here!"

That didn't work, he was into the second verse and going strong.

"I'm serious kid! Knock it off!"

He was still pushing bravely forward. By this time a lot of people were laughing and egging him on.

I'd had enough. I've never liked bullies. Or the people who encourage them. I got up and slapped the kid on the back of the head. That shut him up, so I pointed to an empty seat at our table.

"Sit down and shut up. Got that?"

The little guy did. I thought he was going to cry.

People started to boo me, which I ignored.

The little guy seemed a perfect match for Sei-san, he didn't look up either. I didn't like his glasses though. Or his hair. Reminded me of Aizen.

"What's your name kid?"

I had to strain to hear him whisper. "Seymour."

"Seymour? That's not a Japanese name."

Again I had to strain to hear him mumble "No."

Someone had broken this kid's spirit totally. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd actually preferred big butts, you know, if he was advertising or something. From the way he just sat there hunched and miserable I don't think he has a preference. Kid like him would take anyone who'd have him, which probably isn't the best way to go either. Nothing can be better than something, if you're unlucky enough.

Or if you're taking about embarrasing diseases, but lets not go there. My own bottom of choice belongs to a certain Miss Kuchiki, it's the perfect one for me. Have to use the English honorific - say Kuchiki-san and someone's going to think Byakuya. The taicho's girlfriend wouldn't like that.

"Hey! You stopped our show!"

These had to be the bullies, four of them, in fourth year if I'd figured out the uniform markings correctly.

I sighed as I stood up. No rest for the irritable, it was time to go to work. "Let's skip the pleasantries, assclowns. You're about to say something stupid. Answer, yes, I'm game. Just tell me where and when to show up. Got that?" I put a hand on the lead bully's chest, shoved him back into his friends. "You want to try bullying someone, try bullying me. I guarantee one of us will enjoy it a lot more."

The leader, a puffy faced oaf had managed to get his feet back under him. He hadn't quite figured out that he hadn't tripped when I'd shoved him, he'd been pushed right off his feet.

"I hope you can sing," he said to me, "because you and Seymour are going to be doing duets, punk."

"And I hope you like slow roasting, because I'm going to serve up your asses for dinner tonight. Tell me where you want to meet and get out of my face." I shoved him back again.

"After class," said one of his piggy friends, "twenty first training field. Bring bandages."

Bring bandages?

"What the hell would I do that for? I don't care if you clowns bleed to death."

One of the proctors was coming, so they moved off. I went back to my lunch.

Morissato-san and Sei-san looked horrified. Seymour wouldn't lift his chin but I could tell he was explosion level angry that someone had interfered.

Like it was more manly to be treated like dirt.

"You're going to be beaten to death!" Said Morisato.

"I ain't afraid of those head lice."

They didn't believe me. Well too bad.

"Hey Seymour. After class you're coming with me. Shit, I've got to go. Meet me at the dojo later Seymour."

I stood up and walked away from the table. Sooner or later I was going to have to at least try to make some friends. Probably not the safest idea, but it was going to look strange if I didn't.

Friends. I'd been thinking that in the free period after lunch as I tried to make sense of my kido notes; we'd gone back to the room to study for awhile. Morisato was pretending to read a textbook, but I knew he was really reading another damn issue of 'The Substitute.'

I'm finding the accademy stressful. Summon your spirit pressure says the sensei. I do that I'll have Zakari breathing down my neck. And that'd be best case. I have nightmares about the old man, ever since I saw him do his 'Burn All Creation To Ashes' routine. The old guy has had at least two thousand years to get strong, I want no part of him, absolutely none. I'm sure he'd kill me given the chance.

Or try to, anyway.

Problem is he has reinforcements and I don't.

Some days I honestly don't think my Bankai can match his Shikai, I really don't.

Other days I think I could amp up, mask up and serve his ass up, cold. Depends on the day, really.

I've always assumed the manifestation of his Zanpakuto is some kind of huge dragon. That whole 'burn all creation to ashes' thing, it just scares the hell out of me.

Or I see it as a challenge. As I said, it depends on the day.

I need to get some goddamn hair. Except my hair is orange and the second it starts coming in everyone with that damn manga (and I swear there are more of them this week) is going to know who they're looking at. I might as well shout Bankai and see who trys to kill me first.

Morisato-san wanted to know more about me. I had to make up some lies. Harmless stuff, and skirting the truth. The closer your lies are to the truth the less you have to remember.

My private Zanpakuto tutor was supposed to come soon.

"I've got sword class. I'll see you later."

Morisato didn't look up from his textbook. "Later Sado-san."

It took me a few minutes to find the room we'd been assigned. The walls were made of that hell stone or death stone or whatever the hell they called it, but there was no way it'd be thick enough to open the taps, my power would glow right through it.

I'd just reached the door when I happened to glance up the hall-

I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me fast.

Oh damn.

Toshiro-kun had been walking down near the other end of the hall.

What the hell was he doing here?

Shit. Hitsugaya is one of those guys who plays by the rules, if he recognized me he wasn't going to ignore me. He'd be pissed off too, because I'm taller then I was four years ago and he's not.

Double shit. What the hell is Snowy doing wandering around the academy? Snowy is a complication I don't need.

He hadn't been coming this way at least.

Where the hell is my tutor, anyway?

Wait, Snowy-

Nah, there's no way.

To think Renji wants me to crank out my Bankai and pretend it's a Shikai. How am I supposed-

Triple shit.

I'd - Renji and Ikkaku too, we forgot about the coat. Renji has his mantle, I have my coat, just like Zangetsus.

The door opened, I whirled. Relaxed.

"Are you all right?"

"Sorry Hanataro. Hitsugaya is here and I'm jumping at shadows. Are you my tutor?"

Hanataro blushed. "Um, actually I was kind of hoping you could tutor me. I want to start working towards my Bankai."

"That's fair. Come on in. Let's get started."