Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings
Zaraki Kenpachi was in a jubilant mood, to the point he was actually carrying one end of the stretcher himself. And knowing well the value of a backhanded insult he'd put both twins on the same board. It had been made for his apes, so there was plenty of room.
Ikkaku, carrying the front of the stretcher, was just a little sour on the whole experience. If Ichigo found out-
The Captain was totally oblivious.
"What a great fight!" He'd been repeating that same sentence and grinning like a madman since they'd left Eleventh. The Captain was bleeding from a few dozen minor wounds; he'd enjoyed himself so much he'd let them mark him a few times. "That was the best fight I've had in ages! They both pulled their little bankais - it was adorable! Who'd have thought they'd have been able to reach their bankais so quickly?"
He'd said the bit about the bankais twice already. The Captain was talking like a proud father, that couldn't be good. Ikkaku kicked someone out of his way, glared at his victim, who decided the third seat wasn't anyone he wanted to cross.
Knowing he had to say something to his Captain the third seat said "They were very good."
"Good? They were great! Look at all the little cuts they gave me!" It was the third time he'd said that.
You let them do that, Ikkaku said in the silence of his mind.
"They're quick and agile - shame about the hitting power-" That was the glummest note Zaraki had made, neither girl had a swing like a dump truck yet.
"They're still growing," reminded Ikkaku.
"Oh I know," bubbled the captain. There was a pop as Yachiru arrived, took her place over the captain's shoulder.
"That was an awesome fight, Kenny! Do you think Ichigo will come out now?"
Ikkaku almost dropped his end of the stretcher. He was very, very glad his captain couldn't see his face. Behind him Yachiru plopped down from Zaraki's shoulder to ride on the stretcher like a hood ornament, the captain's victims moaning away behind her.
Ikkaku could feel Zaraki's lizard-like grin on the back of his head, it set his hands to twitching - if the captain found-
Oh my God I think he knows-
"He'll come out sooner or later," said Zaraki. "Until then-" and that insane lightness came back into his voice. "I can play with these two! Ikkaku! When we get back do the transfer papers for this one - what's her name?"
"Karin-san, sir?"
"Yeah! Get her into eleventh as fast as possible. Rough up Iba if you have to, there's no way I'm letting this one skulk in Dogbreath's basement!" The huge and menacing captain looked down at his moaning unconscious victims, gushed like a little girl. "That was awesome! That was so much fun! I'm so glad I didn't let Retsu have this one! Oh happy day, what a treasure my Yuzu-chan is! Seriously, Ikkaku you've got to get me the other one. This isso great!" And then he burst out laughing like a madman again.
They'd reached fourth division, and Ikkaku opened the door his usual way, by kicking it.
Well his hands were full.
"Oi!" Shouted the third seat, "Where are you punks hiding? We've got some meat for you."
The hallway was abandoned, Ikkaku kept shouting.
"Oi! Come out, dammit! We've got some meat for you! Where the hell are you! It's not cleaning day! Captain, you've scared them off again, maybe if you could wait outside-"
Ikkaku felt a sudden pressure, a sudden overwhelming pressure.
Captain Unohana, a pace ahead of him.
And did she lookmaaaaad.
Ikkaku turned desperately towards his mighty captain, found to his horror his captain looking sheepish and a little embarrassed
"Take the stretcher," said Captain Unohana. "Yachiru-chan, wait outside."
Yachiru bolted as two of the skulking medics relieved Ikkaku and his captain of the stretcher and its occupants, she was gone in a heartbeat.
"Ikkaku-kun," said Captain Unohana's soft voice, "look at me."
Ikkaku had been too terrified to face the woman, managed to slowly turn-
His captain tried to protect him, "Ahm, now see here, Cap-"
"Zaraki!"
The captain didn't say anything more.
Ikkaku finally met Unohana's wise, calm, terrifying eyes.
"Outside Ikkaku-kun."
The third seat bolted, picked up Yachiru outside the door and didn't stop running until he and his vice captain were back in Eleventh territory, where he screamed at Yumichika to start the transfer paperwork and spent the rest of the day in the basement with the Vice Captain, hiding behind a barrel.
Unohana looked up at the towering monster from Eleventh squad, who took a half step back at her fury. She slapped him hard enough to feel, it would have broken a lesser man's neck.
"What the hell were you thinking you big dumb ape?"
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"Ungh - Oww." Karin cracked one eye, say Yuzu on the next bed over. "Did we win?" She was somewhere – fourth squad? Her injuries had been repaired, mostly.
Yuzu stretched a little, stopped, obviously in pain herself. "Oww. Don't think so." She scowled, as much as she could with her cute little face. "Ichi-nii didn't say he was so strong."
"He didn't even take off the damn eye patch," growled Karin. "I have to pee."
"There's the bedpan," replied Yuzu.
"I'm not using the bedpan!" Karin shifted a little, winced. "I know we weren't really trying to hurt him, but two bankais at once and he still shrugs us off? That's just rude."
"Oww." said Yuzu.
Neither said anything for a few moments.
"We got owned."
"Ooooowned. Don't want to be owned."
There wasn't a lot Karin could say to that.
"So will you come to eleventh squad?"
"Haven't decided."
"Bet they'll give you a seat."
"They haven't given you a seat."
Yuzu grinned. "They will now." Then she frowned. "I don't like the uniform. It's too baggy."
"Wear something else. I don't think he'll mind. Oww."
"Oww."
"Oww."
"Oww. I think I made the right de-"
But Karin's eyes had gone wide, stopping Yuzu as she detected the most terrifying presence in the Seireitei, one that cowed even her father and Ichi-nii.
"Isane-san," said Captain Unohana. "Perhaps you could close the door dear? Thank you."
The motherly figure knelt between where Karin and Yuzu lay. She still had that serene smile.
Karin wasn't overly afraid - she hadn't done anything wrong, much, at least as far as she knew, but Yuzu's eyes were enormously wide like some manga character and it looked like she was afraid to breathe. Captain Unohana had expected her to join fourth and she'd joined the ape squad instead.
"How are you feeling ladies?"
Karin quickly answered for them both "We're feeling much better, Captain. We'll be able to go back to our squads-" She shut off abruptly as the captain touched her forehead.
"A fever I think." The captain turned to her Lieutenant, who had their medical charts ready on a lap desk, brush poised to update.
"Isane-san? Karin-san has a fever. As her physician I proscribe an extra-large enema to relieve her symptoms." The captain smiled brightly at Karin, turned back towards Isane and said "you'd best send Hanataro-san down to the shed in the garden," looked at Karin, explained "for the big hose." The captain smiled.
"What were you saying, dear?"
"Um, I think I need bed rest?"
"And?"
"And I'll be quiet now?"
"Excellent. Isane-san, Karin-san's fever has broken, so she won't be needing any procedures after all."
Vice Captain Isane didn't bat an eyelash, just said "Yes Captain," and wrote something on the chart.
Then the captain turned her attention to Yuzu.
"And what's your excuse dear?"
"Um, I'm a good girl?"
"Not quite what I had in mind. Try again please."
"Well, we-" Yuzu tried to lean away, but Unohana was too fast, lay a soft hand on Yuzu's forehead.
"We have another fever here, Isane-san. Any thoughts?"
"There's a folk remedy with a leek I've always wanted to try." Isane-san looked up, very seriously added "On someone else, of course."
"I'll be good," pleaded Yuzu.
"How good?"
"Very good?"
Unohana sighed. "Child, what on earth possessed you to turn loose your bankai on Captain Zaraki of all people?"
"Well, um-" Yuzu blushed.
Unohana's eyebrows shot up - Yuzu had succeeded in the impossible - she'd startled the captain of fourth division. "Don't tell me you chose Zaraki to demonstrate to the world you'd -" the Captain glanced at a blushing Karin - "that you both achieved Bankai?"
"Well - it's just that Ichi-nii says Captain Zaraki is tough and that we wouldn't be able to hurt him-"
"You attackedZaraki because you thought you couldn't hurt him?"
"He started it!"
Unohana rolled back her eyes and stood up. "Isane-san, don't let me putting anything on those charts for the next twenty minutes or so – I don't trust myself not to do something dreadful." The captain looked over her patients. "What on earth am I supposed to do with the pair of you? Zaraki? Captain Zaraki? Even the Captain Commander would have been a better choice! I'm keeping you - both of you here until this settles out. I'd turn you over to Isshin but that one is as bad or worse than Zaraki! Oh Isane-san!" The captain turned to her startled lieutenant. "I'm too unsettled - I need a cup of tea. Don't let anyone in or out of this room. That includes these two, Captain Kurosaki, Captain Zaraki and any of his merry men. Especially that bald one." The captain swept out.
There was a flash of white and Captain Hitsugaya appeared at the speed of shunpo. It looked as though he'd just heard.
"Are the pair of you crazy? Do you know what that animal could have done to you?"
Yuzu, outraged, said "Captain Zaraki isn't an animal!"
"He could have killed you!"
"Captain Hitsugaya, Captain Unohana said they were to have no visitors."
"I don't think she'd mind me screaming at them, Vice Captain!" He turned back to the twins, but they'd had a chance to gather their wits and took the offensive.
"Snowy-chan!" said Yuzu.
"You're cute when you're angry," said Karin. "You've got this little vein on your head and you grind your teeth-"
"Were you worried about us, Snowy-chan? That's so sweet!"
Hitsugaya was losing control of himself and Vice Captain Isane looked horrified.
"Do you have any idea what your brother would do if either of you were hurt!"
That silenced the pair of them. With the ground back under his feet and no longer reeling from the constant abuse of being called Snowy-chan, Captain Hitsugaya went on the offensive. "I don't think the pair of you realize what- Ahh! If your brother showed up here- Ahh!" The young captain, his temper almost gone, shunpoed out.
Karin and Yuzu looked at each other.
Vice Captain Isane looked at the pair of them, an exceptionally uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach.