Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine

To escape from the secure wing at fourth squad – for those interested in such things there was no higher honor in the Seireitei. A successful escape would make you something of a legend. In theory, escape was simple. All you had to do was get past Captain Unohana.

Only two people had ever managed that, and Captain Zaraki had to go out through a wall to do it.

Captain Unohana had let it be known the next person to damage one of her walls was going to regret it.

Very few people were put in the secure wing, where Captain Unohana had bars installed on the windows. The wing was only used for prisoners (certain Ryoka for example) or patients (from Eleventh squad) who couldn't be trusted to stay put.

Any and every Kurosaki had a standing reservation.

No one had ever figured out how Ichigo had escaped, which was apparently a sticking point with Captain Unohana. Ichigo insisted he'd never tell anyone either, in case he ever needed to do it again. Captain Unohana hadn't liked that either.

Yuzu was bound and determined that she and Karin would add their names to that very short list of people who'd actually made it out, the list that trumped the one measured in meters slunk and seconds before capture. It was practically a duty for Eleventh Squad members to challenge the Fourth Captain's gauntlet - but to aspire to those rarefied ranks - those two who'd actually escaped-

Nothing would stop Yuzu's attempt. Karin hadn't wanted to risk Captain Unohana's wrath, but Yuzu wouldn't hear of going to sleep. Little sister wanted out desperately.

Karin really had no choice in the matter. Yuzu would get caught without her; animal cunning wasn't Yuzu's strong suit. And if Yuzu got caught-

It was late, after midnight. Yuzu insisted it'd be easy to get away. "We've got nothing to worry about," said Yuzu at a whisper. "We're cute -she'll never suspect us."

"Yumichika-kun says she doesn't sleep," Karin whispered back, "he says she's awake around the clock-"

Yuzu put on her little angry face, which looked a lot like a pout. "We can do this."

Karin waved her to silence, there was someone coming.

The pair of them hid in an empty hospital room. Unohana must have designed this place herself - maybe she'd been a prison warden when she was mortal or something, because escaping the secure wing seemed impossible. There were nursing checkpoints and shinigami patrolling the halls, and every single corridor had been designed so someone could watch who came and went.

The bars on the windows were too close to crawl between, even for them.

"We're going to get caught!" Whispered Karin. Yuzu grinned at her.

"It's not worth it, Yuzu. I'm going back to our room."

"Noooo!" whispered Yuzu, "we have to escape!"

"Were you even listening to her?" There could be no doubt as to who 'her' was.

"Look!"

Coming down the hall was a shinigami of the fourth division, wearing the little backpack and pushing a laundry cart. Except he wasn't actually from fourth division, and he was wearing what might just have been the single most awesome disguise in the history of the Seireitei.

Captain Unohana didn't dislike Ikkaku per se, at least according to Hanataro, but she'd apparently singled him out as the head trouble-maker of the thirteen squads. Any time something went wrong, something that left a shinigami embarrassed or looking ridiculous, even if it was simple bad luck, Captain Unohana always seemed to think Ikkaku had a hand in it. No excuse and no alibi were enough to discourage her suspicions either; Ikkaku might be lying at death's door in the secure wing, but if a bird pooped on Captain Kurotsuchi's hat Ikkaku must have arranged it.

The Great Bald One was taking a hell of a chance coming here without a Zaraki-scale injury or a wailing Yachiru.

Except today he wasn't bald – his shining head would have been a dead giveaway-

Ikkaku was wearing a disguise.

It was a - a wig - that was all Karin could call it, but it was a - a wig like nothing she'd ever seen- it was-

"It's Jules!" whispered an awed Yuzu, "it's Jules from Pulp Fiction!" She thought about this for a moment and added, "Only he's not black."

"Are those sideburns like a chin-strap?" asked Karin. "That-that thing–" said Karin, "I think that's a Jheri curl!"

Yuzu, who wasn't exactly sure what a Jheri curl was, said "Ooooo!"

As disguises went it was pretty good – most people would be concentrating on the hair to the point they wouldn't see who was wearing it.

Shinigami and Jules-Impersonator Ikkaku was searching room by room; it was a few minutes before he pushed the laundry cart into the room they were hiding in.

"Oi midgets," he whispered. "get into the cart and be quick about it! We'll get you out of here."

Ikkaku was on the job! He was going to bust them out!

It took the twins only a moment to burrow down into the clean sheets he'd stolen, he tossed one over their heads and said "once we're outside we're free, but if she catches us before we reach the door-"

The sheet was suddenly pulled back, revealing the smiling form of Captain Unohana, who treated the Jules-impersonator to a pleasant smile.

"What a pleasure to see you, Ikkaku-kun. And wearing a Jheri curl! Excellent! I'm so glad you dropped by. The academy medical school's proctology class is looking for volunteers for next Friday. Can I count on you for two hours?"

"er- two hours?"

"Unless you have some friends who could help out? If you could bring three friends that'd only be a half hour each!"

"Uhh-"

"And Ikkaku-kun? No pranks. You can't just bring people without telling them what they're going for. And you really shouldn't order anyone to come with you, we'd rather have volunteers."

"I-"

"But think of all the people you can ask." The captain smiled brightly. "Why, you can ask Abarai-kun to come along! Or Yumichika-kun. Or Iba-kun. Or Hisagi-kun. There are plenty of people you can split the time with!" She smiled warmly. "I'm sure you'll have plenty of volunteers once you explain what you need them for."

Ikkaku could not return this smile. Ikkaku looked sick to his stomach.

"And you two," smiled the lady captain. "Trying to sneak out? Honestly, young people today. So full of humor and highjinks! Ikkaku-kun, would you please wheel them back to their room? And if you'd like you can wear that hat - hair - thing when you help the proctology class. Oh and try not to clench, Ikkaku, you'll only make it harder on yourself."

With that cheerful smile the captain dropped the sheet back over Yuzu and Karin's heads. They sat in sheet-covered silence as Ikkaku slowly wheeled them back up the hall. The speed the Third Seat walked at was reminiscent of a man going to the gallows.

Ikkaku was nowhere to be seen when the smiling and sweet-faced Captain pulled the sheet off the twins, who climbed from the laundry cart to find Yuzu's bed gone. Unohana gently pushed both twins towards the remaining bed until the little shinigami gave up and got in. Captain Unohana carefully tucked them in and provided each a small plushy and a kiss goodnight.

"You can't kiss us goodnight!" Wailed Yuzu, "This is psychological warfare! We're big! We're not ten!"

"You'd be more convincing without the bear," growled Karin, who figured they'd got off lucky with just losing the bed. She debated hitting Yuzu with her stuffed turtle.

"Hush Yuzu," said the Captain, "and go to sleep." She smiled that warm reassuring smile. "By the way, there is no proctology class at the academy, but please don't tell Ikkaku. He'll have a nice time this week trying to convince people to help him." She phrased it as a request, but it sounded a lot like an order. And that smile! This woman was the distillate of pure evil! And frightening bum-based threats!

And they'd believed her, even Ikkaku had believed her! Yuzu looked at the smiling Captain and it dawned on her that Unohana Retsu was the true master prankster of the Seireitei. Ikkaku-san was nothing but a pale shadow-

Didn't anybody know this?

"Yuzu? Sleep now."

Yuzu, having little alternative, poked and prodded Karin until her twin sighed and rolled on to her side. Yuzu curled into the small of Karin's back and pouted until she fell asleep.

She wondered if they'd gotten far enough to get a good escape score.

Isane arrived about ten minutes later, summoned by her captain. She made a happy sound, whispered "Oh they're so adorable!"

Captain Unohana smiled. "Aren't they little darlings?" Her answer was equally soft, so as not to wake the twins. "Isane, we have to find a way to work the twins into The Substitute. They're too precious not too."

Isane nodded and pulled out her sketch pad.

The twins were released the following morning on the condition that they take the rest of the day off before going back to active duty. Yuzu was taking the opportunity to whine.

Karin was sick of listening to it.

"Kaaarinn! I don't like the uniform!"

"How many times have I told you? Wear something else then." She didn't really think Yuzu would – that was the point, they were uniforms.

"Come shopping with me?"

"I don't think you can just shop for uniforms." Other than say, basic black as handed out by the fourth division supply building.

"Kaaariiiiin!"

"Oh all right. If it will shut you up." She didn't have any other plans.

Yuzu must have given this some thought beforehand – she led Karin directly to third company, where they found the captain engaged in yoga.

Yoruichi listened to their plight, and considered it thoughtfully.

"I think I have something that will work."

Twenty minutes later Yuzu and Karin stood in front of Yoruichi's mirror, each wearing a smaller version of Yoruichi's battle dress.

The effect was not quite the same.

"I suppose we could wear jackets," said Karin, tentatively.

"We're so flat," wailed Yuzu. "We can't wear these! We look like little boys!"

"There there," consoled Yoruichi. "You're both still young. Things will get better."

It probably wasn't a captainly thing to say, but she meant well.

"I am so tired of looking like I'm eleven years old," said Karin. "I'm fifteen! Why can't I look like a girl? Orihime looked like a girl at fifteen!"

Yuzu was almost in tears. "We look like Snowy!" She poked Karin. "Your bum looks like a board!"

Karin turned around, glanced at her backside in the mirror and tried to think of something mean to say. Yoruichi was right, they were both young, but-

"I'm fifteen years old," Karin repeated, as though maybe an answer would come. "Why can't I have a figure? Did I do something wrong? Am I eating the wrong things? What does Matsumoto-san eat?"

"Take them," said Yoruichi. "You don't have to wear them right away." Her own backless black jumpsuit was bursting with her magnificent figure, though she'd long since traded her orange jacket for the long sleeved white coat of a senior captain. "In fact, I tell you what, let's go see my little Bee. She wears something similar but looser. You might prefer it."

Soi Fon intimidated Karin and terrified Yuzu. She was completely the opposite of Captain Unohana, and neither would have ever dared approach the second captain on their own. Following Yoruichi was completely another story though, as (rumor had it) Captain Soi Fon was always thrilled to see Yoruichi, who explained the twins request.

Soi Fon's face darkened, and she growled something about regulations. Yoruichi pushed that aside.

"Oh please, little Bee," Soi Fon went crimson at being addressed that way in front of the twins, as Yoruichi continued, "we made an exception for you once upon a time. We didn't make you shave your head."

Shave her head?

With Yoruichi's prompting Captain Soi Fon agreed to make an exception to the rules. She called down to her storeroom and-

Twenty minutes later Yuzu and Karin were looking in Soi Fon's mirror. Soi Fon had been training before they arrived; she wasn't wearing her captain's haori but her own backless kunoichi costume, which the second captain had stiffly explained was called a shozoku uniform.

Yuzu grinned when no one was watching. She and Karin weren't supposed to notice that Soi Fon's cheeks were crimson, probably because they weren't supposed to realize that Yoruichi (who was standing close beside the smaller captain) had a hand somewhere behind Soi Fon, probably doing something naughty.

Yoruichi was grinning quite wickedly.

"These are nice," said Karin, oblivious. "I like the gloves." She frowned. They weren't actually gloves. "But I'm not sure about the pants."

Yuzu looked down at her own. The problem was the sides, where-

"Panties are showing."

Yuzu sighed. That was going to be a problem, especially around Eleventh division. Most of her underwear was baby pink and none of it was lacy and stringy like Captain Soi Fons.

"Daddy will hit the roof if we go out with our panties showing."

"Take them!" Erupted Soi Fon. Karin turned, surprised, not associating Yoruichi's dark grin with Soi Fon's outburst.

"Thank you Captain," said Yuzu, bowing and grabbing the little pile that was her clothing. She grabbed Karin's arm and dragged her out. The door was barely closed behind them when they heard Soi Fon yowl "Yoruichi-samaaaa!"

"What the hell was that?" Asked Karin.

"I'll tell you when you're older," said Yuzu.

The twins found a place to change back into their normal uniforms and made ninth division their next stop. Captain Bucket Hat (being leisure focused) was dozing on a bench outside his headquarters. He looked up when they came near, tilted his hat back to better see them.

"Good morning, Kurosaki-san, Kurosaki-chan. What might my humble self do for you today?"

"We're shopping," said Yuzu. "We want sleeveless coats like your division has.

"Is that all? It'd be a pleasure." said Urahara. "Please come in."

They enjoyed a quiet cup of tea while Bucket-sama arranged for the coats, politely thanked him and moved on to their final stop. Yuzu hadn't originally planned this stop, the idea sort of came up as she'd looked into Captain Soi Fon's mirror and despaired at the baby pink.

If anyone knew where to get the last thing on their list, it would be Rangiku-san.

"Matsumoto-san?"

Matsumoto looked up from her papers, surprised and pleased. Two small persons had come to call. Maybe to reconcile with Captain?

"Karin-san, Yuzu-san! What a nice surprise! Please come in! How can I help you?"

She noted Yuzu reaching for Karin's hand, to be silently rebuffed by someone who didn't want to be holding hands with her sister in front of a superior officer.

"We were - um, we went shopping-"

"-Looting-"

"-and we got some nice clothing from captain Soi Fon, but now we can't wear them because-"

"-panties show."

"Ah," said Matsumoto. "The shozoku uniform." She considered this problem. Solution number one was to leave off the underwear, but that probably wouldn't be an option for these two.

She'd have to get a pair of shozoku pants; they'd upset Captain.

"When I went to school with your brother," said Matsumoto, "we had bloomers."

A thrilled Yuzu asked "Do you know where we could get some?"

"No."

"Oh."

The Vice Captain noticed it was Karin-chan who seemed particularly disheartened by that. Matsumoto thought for a moment, then smiled. "Yes! I do know where you can get something like that!" And she quickly explained.

An hour later they were in position.

"This seems like a risky plan," complained Yuzu.

"Would you be quiet? All of this was your idea!"

Younger sister looked hurt. She pulled a little face. "You don't have to yell at me."

Karin rolled her eyes.

Their target was coming, walking straight into the ambush they'd set for him. They were wearing the shozoku uniforms the second captain had given them, Yuzu displaying baby pink, Karin displaying baby blue.

Their target strolled into the room, and the twins struck ruthlessly.

"Daddy!" Shouted Karin.

"Daddy!" Shouted Yuzu. They jumped into Goat's path, Yuzu taking one of his hands and pulling at him.

"Look what Captain Soi Fon gave us!"

The sun was going down, ending the vacation day Captain Unohana had insisted on. The twins were in their room at Goat's house in the fifth division complex. Karin, in the shozoku uniform, struck a pose in front of the mirror.

"All right, I'll admit it's pretty cool." Even if it did have bloomers under it. The Goat had been utterly horrified at what his daughters were wearing and he'd raced to the real world to buy them. As a captain he didn't need anyone's permission to make the trip. Net result, enough bloomers for his little girls to stay modestly covered and a very nervous father who'd been skulking outside their room for most of the evening. He'd probably try to follow them around for a few weeks but he wasn't hard to lose.

"Do boys wear panties?"

"What?" Where on earth had Yuzu gotten that from?

"Boy underwear. If they wear the tight kind, are those called panties?"

Karin tried to answer this and couldn't. "Y-yes?" She hazarded. "Or maybe no? Ichigo always called them shorts. I think panties are a girl thing."

"Oh." Yuzu thought about this. "You're probably right. I once told Ichi-nii I'd done all the laundry and his panties were clean and he got all mad." Yuzu had settled on the outfit obtained from Yoruichi, which didn't seem to have a name. Yuzu tended to be less self-conscious and the slinky uniform didn't bother little sister at all.

"I wonder if I could put Hello Kitty on this? Would Captain Yoruichi be mad?"

"In Eleventh squad. You want to put Hello Kitty on your-" Karin sort of gestured "-shirt in Eleventh squad."

"Maybe not." Yuzu looked herself over and sighed. "I can't make this work, can I? I don't wanna look like Snowy. I'm a girl." She pulled on the ninth division coat, a vest really.

"That's better," said Karin. "That actually looks pretty good. She went back to admiring herself, struck another pose. "I sort of like the bare back on this."

"It suits you," replied Yuzu, as she pulled off her shozoku gloves. "The gloves look better on you too. I think I'm going to go with bare arms. Or maybe I get some little white gloves like Kiyone-san, those are cute." Yuzu looked herself up and down, experimented with the fastenings on the coat. She decided to leave it hanging halfway open. Yuzu giggled. "Is this thing really called a catsuit?" She giggled again. "I guess if Yoruichi wears one it almost has to be. Admit it Karin, these are nicer than the standard uniforms. I think we look fierce."

"It's sort of cute," admitted Karin. "Like punk rock ninja." She pointed at her little sister. "Except that."

Yuzu looked to the offending feature. "What's wrong with it?"

"A sailor collar?"

"It's cute!" She'd spent half an hour stitching it on.

"Cute. Right. I'll admit that I like the shozoku look," replied Karin, "But I can't wear it to work."

"Why not?"

"Because my division has rules. You know, things you have to follow? Ways you have to do things? You're probably not familiar with that sort of thing in Eleventh division.

"Eleventh Division has rules!"

"Throw food at every meal? Walk like a duck? Leave the seat up?"

"Only Ikkaku-san walks like a duck! We have rules!" She sighed. "At least the part about the seat seems to be a rule. I've asked them nicely and they won't stop."

"Too much information Yuzu. But they're not going to let you wear that."

"Why not? This could be the new uniform for girls in Eleventh!"

"Women, Yuzu, we're women, not girls."

Yuzu sighed again, slumped. "As Ichigo would say, women are taller. And they probably can't force their Daddy to buy bloomers by showing blue underwear."

Oh not 'the fight' again. Yuzu wanted a certain someone to ask her out. She was convinced the combination of her apparent age, her father and Ichi-nii had kept that from happening.

Karin, being in much the same boat, wished Yuzu would get over it and shut up about the whole thing. Or go out with Snowy or something instead. She also wished Yuzu would give up on the whole 'Karin and Snowy' thing. They'd had fights about that too.

Thankfully Yuzu didn't pursue it tonight. Little sister brightened up; nothing could hold Yuzu down for long.

"I don't see why I can't set the girl's uniform for Eleventh. I'm the only girl after all. Except Yachiru, and she's little!"

Karin smirked at her.

Yuzu made her angry face, the one Ichi-nii always laughed at. "All right, she's extra-little. Anyway, I'm going to work in this tomorrow."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

Yuzu had turned back towards the mirror, then turned around to look at her backside. "These pants will look better when I grow a bum."

"If Captain Zaraki finds out you're more interested in how your backside looks then-"

"I am not," snipped Yuzu, a little defensively. "Is it wrong to want to look nice?"

"All right, you win. But talk to Yumichika first and see if he thinks your captain would mind. Better for Yumichika to yell at you than Zaraki."

"See Karin? You're always happiest when you agree with me."

"Hush Yuzu. Wait."

"Mmm?"

"You remember yesterday when Hitsugaya started screaming about what would happen if Ichigo found we'd fought with Captain Zaraki? You don't think Snowy knows where Ichi-nii is, do you?"

Yuzu slowly turned, looked horrified. Then she threw one back. "Why did Ikkaku try to break us out of fourth squad?"