Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings don't belong to me.
Hanataro skulked in the sewers. He'd rearranged the maintenance schedule so no one would be down here today.
It wasn't much of a meeting place but it had the virtue of being private.
Renji arrived first, growled a hello and a what's this all about. Hanataro had asked Renji to wait so he'd only have to explain once.
A few minutes later Yumichika and Ikkaku approached, Yumichika holding a scented handkerchief over his nose. Exactly why was open to debate, there was absolutely no smell that Hanataro could detect.
"What?"
"Problem. Tatsuki is at the academy."
"Shit," said Yumichika.
"She still hates him," said Renji. All turned to the bald one, who looked put upon.
"Don't rush me, give me a second."
After almost a minute Ikkaku was still thinking, and Renji was out of patience.
"Well?"
"I've got nothing. We can try to rush her out of the academy, but they didn't rush Chad, I can't see them rushing Tatsuki."
"Hadn't thought of that," said Renji. "No one actually tried to rush Chad, but they made him a lieutenant the moment he graduated. They might have something similar in mind for Tatsuki."
"Which is several years away," said Ikkaku. "Doesn't help us."
"But this isn't Chad, is it?" Said Yumichika. "What about arranging for Captain Yoruichi to take her on as an apprentice?"
"Yoruichi?"
"She does like Tatsuki," mused Hanataro.
All eyes focused on Ikkaku, who had his own eyes shut and was pinching the bridge of his nose.
"There are a lot of things that could go wrong with this-I don't like this at all. Still, it's the best idea we've got," Egg-sama scratched his head, continued, "It can't come through us though. Renji, go for a walk at the academy. You're at the Vice Captain meetings. Tell Chad you saw-"
It wasn't technically a prank, but the situation was close enough for Ikkaku to apply his great gifts.
x--x--x--x
Are you out of your mind? Asking me how my past couple of weeks were?
There were rotten, thank you! Emotional bloody roller coaster! Mostly down, in fact. I'm getting fricking ulcers!
It ain't a happy tale.
You really want to hear me raving over the details? Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
x--x--x--x
The scary part happened that next weekend, after I called Hanataro. I was supposed to meet Morisato out front of the academy, we were going into town to get some stuff.
I've taken to doing the odd spot check on spirit ribbons before I go into a public place. It doesn't hurt, given what could happen if anyone I know sees me. It was pretty much a total fluke that I catch Soi Fon and Yoruichi coming up the path before they saw me.
I don't need that kind of scare.
Anyway, I managed to find a place to hide before they spotted me, but when I say hide I'm talking behind a couple of trees, this is not a good hiding place. Stuck though; unlike the students these two will see me if I flash out of here, and Yoruichi can catch me.
If I have to fight a captain I don't ever want it to be one of these two. Raise a sword to my Sensei Yoruichi? Unthinkable. And Soi Fon would be an execution, not a fight. I loathe the woman but I like to think I'd stop short of actually murdering her.
Soi's a rabid dog. She'd go at me cheerfully, especially with my Zanpakuto on the other side of campus. Not that I need my sword for Soi Fon, but she'd gladly hand over her life just to delay me long enough for the big guns to arrive. Anyone who thinks Shunsui is a lazy joke never saw what he did to Halibel. That took him less than a minute, and that's the sixty second kind of minute; Halibel never had a chance.
There's no way I can beat Yoruichi in a race to Zangetsu.
Right now these couple of trees don't seem like a lot of cover. Hoping they don't look this way isn't much of a strategy either.
It was the weekend, but they were both tricked out in full uniform with their haoris.
Pinned down behind two trees, not even a clump of bushes. How embarrassing.
What the hell are they doing here?
They make a bad pair. Soi Fon insisted on a certain formal respect, Yoruichi doesn't like people to be so stiff. You couldn't please both of them at once.
For my money I'd work at pleasing Yoruichi.
Yoruichi stopped, signaled Soi to do the same. Yoruichi had her eyes shut - what the h-
Oh my god she's looking for spirit ribbons - my ribbon - she'll find -
Her eyes just snapped open! I've been made! I-
The pair of them flashed across the courtyard, almost in the opposite direction.
What the hell?
They'd missed me?
But my ribbon is re-
But so are all the senseis, aren't they? And a lot of the students are red. Or pink at least.
Is this actually a really good place to hide?
Nah.
Can't be.
You'd think a lovely orange rose like me would stand out in a field of cabbage.
Cabbage, that's funny. These are my colleagues, the Kimchi clan.
The Captains have found their victim - it's Tatsuki. The pair of them came for the girl who'd like to kill me.
She's already in contact with the captains.
This is good news.
Bala, that's the ticket. If it comes down to a fight. Bala are precise, incredibly fast, there's not a lot of collateral damage - my Bala might even be fast enough to catch the Queen of Flash. That's the one good thing about the whole Hollow thing, my other side means I'm never totally unarmed, even without kido.
I can probably hold them off long enough to get Zangetsu – I'm not leaving the academy without him-
The Captains had flashed up behind Tatsuki, they don't even give the people she's standing with time to notice before Yoruichi starts ruffling Tatsuki's hair. Tatsuki of course reacts badly to this, and she's trying to duck away even as she turns with both fists going out-
-only to have Soi Fon casually catch one and Yoruichi catch the other. Yoruichi never stops ruffling Tatsuki's hair.
I don't know so don't ask me. Maybe it's some sort of ritual to establish dominance or something. Whatever. Yoruichi continues to ruffle as Tatsuki goes very still, looking at the two captains. Then Tatsuki bows-
I wish I could hear what they're saying, if Tatsuki is giving me away as we speak I'd like to know about that. Meanwhile all the people who'd been standing talking to Tatsuki are bowing away and so on. Yoruichi puts a hand on Tatsuki's shoulder-
Whatever the hell got said the two captains turn back in the direction they came from and walk off with Tatsuki following them. All her little friends are like Oooo, that's so cool!
Meanwhile I'm like, shit, this is so not good.
They walked off, I sat behind my trees.
Then it occurs to me, wait a minute.
Did they just take Tatsuki away? As in not here? As in somewhere else?
Is this whole cursed Tatsuki arc finally over?
I looked down the path they'd gone down-
Going, goooing, going going goinggoing GONE!
Hanataro and the boys have just saved my ass!
Hallelujah!
I wanted to do a dance or something, but I (just) managed to restrain myself.
Tatsuki, goodbye and screw you.
x--x--x--x
Morisato shows up a few minutes later and the rest of the day was golden. I even bought meat buns to celebrate!
And then we get back to campus! And I just about choked up my own heart!
It's pretty goddamn close to the textbook definition of annoying, what happened next. Here I was feeling like a used car salesman who'd just dumped a lemon on a little old lady and these two arseholes-
They'd brought Tatsuki back. They - meaning those cursed lady captains - brought bloody Tatsuki back to the bloody academy and bloody dropped her off! I'm like, no! No! You're supposed to take her away! Don't be bringing her back here - we don't want her!
They brought bloody Tatsuki back.
For a moment I thought I was seeing double Yoruichi, already wearing that little backless number she wears for that Flashcry thing.
Flashcry – that Instant War Cry bullshit. That's a waste of bloody - I tried that exactly once, Yoruichi warned my to take off my coat but she didn't mention the probability of ruining my pants - damn near blowing the ass out! It was a very embarrassing rip but the alternative was out-and-out explosion, all my fricking clothes flying off. Fricking Shinigami Women's Society were meeting in the building next to where Yoruichi and I were training – I didn't find that out (and of course I was standing with my back to them) until I hear all these catcalls and wolf whistles from the windows behind me. Never again!
This – this whole Tatsuki thing is like something off the internet, you know where the guy throws the burning stick of dynamite and his dog thinks he's playing fetch and runs after it? That's how I felt, that's it exactly! Here I was thinking Oh Happy Day! and it's all wine and roses going forward and the sleek black Yoruichi (mmm sleeeek) and her yappy little Shihtzu dog Soi drag my problem back to me!
Bloody Tatsuki, walking like a shithill rooster in a white one-piece like Yoruichi, toting a bag of gear the captains had given her; it's like something out of a bad fanfic, the birth of a new Mary Sue! Here Tatsuki is all tricked out like Yoruichi, in front of the entire academy and nodding her head all serious at everything Yoruichi and her dipshit sidekick say! Yes Captain. No Captain. Half the academy is watching and Tatsuki's street cred is going through the damn roof! Oh and there are Captains nearby! That is helpful!
WHY does this shit always happen to me?
Damn Mary Sues. Ought to be a law.
I don't want to watch any more of this - I'm going back to my room to sulk or something.
I sometimes wonder if Ikkaku played any part in that Flashcry fiasco. Too many people saw it, as far as I'm concerned. Oh Ichigo, focus your power more, keep it up higher up your back next time – yeah, now you tell me? Even Nanao was whistling at me! Hell, I think Retsu whistled at me!
Shit. What a goddamn day that was. And what a day this was. Thanks for nothing, you shinigami bastards.
x--x--x--x
Dinner that night was as bad as I feared. Morisato and Sei and Seymour and I are at our table, eating away and who should come up but Tatsuki and the beginnings of her little fan club (I say beginnings because it got a lot worse). They sit down and everyone is asking her questions and shit like that. And because none of them are about Orihime or your truly she's doing her best to answer them.
She's wearing the top of the damn student uniform with Yoruichi's white rubber leggings or whatever the hell they are. Way to be subtle, Tatsuki. Just in case people aren't quite sure it was you at the front of the bloody academy.
Look at that conversation. Why yes, I am Tatsuki from The Winter War(TM). Yes, I do know all the Captains, I met them During The Winter War(TM). They came to rely on my judgment! Is it true I faced and defeated Arrancar? Guess what? That also got a Why Yes, During The Winter War(TM)!
Pardon me for sounding pissed off but at the moment she's a hero and I'm a goddamn fugitive. I'm fine with not being a hero, but do I have to be a crook?
I never knew she was such an attention whore.
I ate my miso soup and downed my rice. You might find this hard to believe but at the moment I don't feel much like eating. I'm forcing myself to clear the tray enough that I can beg off early and go to bed.
Goddamn you Tatsuki. You're rubbing this in, aren't you? Whose karma is this?
Down the table Tatsuki gets an 'Oooooo' from her little coterie.
"I ain't feeling well," I growled. "I'm going back to the room."
I didn't have to flashstep. No one saw me go.
x--x--x--x
I realized the next day she hadn't been doing it on purpose. Or rather she hadn't been doing it maliciously. I don't want to degrade myself to the point of attributing malice to her.
Tatsuki is simply in her element here. She was a martial arts champion, she's used to being a champion and thinking of herself as one. Martial arts mean a lot more at the academy then the did in the mortal world, I have to keep that in context.
It just pisses me off that Tatsuki is a hero and I'm a wanted criminal.
x--x--x--x
Sigh. Another day at the Cafeteria. She's here, I'm here. Haven't been caught – not important enough to notice. She probably doesn't even know I'm dead. Maybe this will work after all.
x--x--x--x
Now this is where it starts to get good again. At least, good if you're a nervous fugitive who doesn't have much reason to laugh.
Tatsuki is loud and brash and for all intents and purposes she was back in high school. Certain kinds of people are attracted to people like Tatsuki, girls that admire her strength, guys that think she's just one of the boys. But now she had a third kind of admirer.
Winter War Fanboys and Fangirls.
I found this utterly fascinating.
She's a polite girl, more or less, but fanpersons drive her absolutely wild, and the more rabid they are, the more outraged Tatsuki gets.
That'll teach her to talk about the war. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say this, but an enraged Tatsuki screaming at rabid fanpersons is literally the best television at the academy. I never get tired of watching it, never.
Word started getting around. It'd be terminally uncool and simply not done to admire someone in a lower year, but in the first year class word starts getting around that a Winter War vet is there, and she's even sort of pretty. Oh, and she's wearing Captain Yoruichi's rubber pants and-
Two weeks after I spotted her Tatsuki is the belle of the first year class.
Meanwhile I'm trying to convince myself I'm not a stalker.
Tatsuki's a hero and always will be. Her name will live forever – she was there, at the King's Palace.
Did I mention that I'm a criminal the Seireitei erased from history? Yes? Oh good. I'm glad you remember.
Sheesh.
But I'm not bitter. Oh hell no! Because My legacy is a comic book! Delivered to the academy every Tuesday under dark of night, you should read a copy! Only don't let them catch you, because technically it's illegal.
Shit.
I think I need some mild form of revenge on Tatsuki. Or maybe not so mild. Solid revenge. Ikkaku-level prank revenge.
Nah, I can't be bitter. I have something Tatsuki doesn't have, right? Other than fugitive warrants for my arrest, but she probably doesn't want those.
The worst thing is that I was honestly thinking this. At least I have my manga. At least someone out there is trying to get my story out. Tatsuki doesn't-
You know what's coming next, don't you?
As I pick up my copy for the week the guy asks me-
-wait for it-
-if I want to buy-
-wait for it-
Is the anticipation killing you yet?
How would I like to buy a copy of...
Tatsuki Shoujo!
Some arsehole wrote a Tatsuki manga.
I should have known, you know. Should have seen this one coming. Manga spawns Dojinshi – fan fiction if you will. And Tatsuki does have a fan club after all.
Looks like somebody in the fan club can draw.
My first thought was that the timing was awful. Based on having been there I figured Tatsuki would also be featured in the current issue of The Substitute (the academy's original manga). If not this week then next week. The week after at the latest.
So there I am standing like an idiot, the proud possessor of a comic on me and some home-brew thing about someone who hates me.
Some days you shouldn't get out of bed.
I skipped Zanpakuto class and went back to my room.
x--x--x--x
Fifteen minutes later I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out. The Substitute had been a nightmare, the first picture inside being a two page spread of Orihime and Tatsuki. Tatsuki had already made comments about The Substitute where people could hear her; no one would laugh off her claiming to be part of the story now.
Then I cracked open Tatsuki Shoujo.
It is the best publication EVAR! E-V-A-R, EVAR!
It's got this little preamble, see, it starts off telling you The Substitute has Tatsuki, and now the academy has Tatsuki, an incredibly promising student shinigami.
And this manga, it says, is Her Story.
And no, I didn't add the caps or the italics.
This thing is great. Weird, mind you, but great. It's billing itself as a 'special' copy of The Substitute dealing with Tatsuki's arrival at the academy. And it's utterly Shoujo! Tatsuki is drawn on these flowered backgrounds and she's soft, she's delicate and she is angsty! A fair maiden with huge eyes like Snowy in The Substitute. I had to take my first break to catch my breath then, I was laughing so hard.
This is the best publication ever. Tatsuki Shoujo, I'm your number one fan.
They captured the scene where she was in the cafeteria complaining over a copy of The Substitute, about how Aizen's stomach always enters the panel before he does. They captured her being escorted off the grounds by the beautiful lady captains, proud Soi Fon, Serene Yoruichi, leading the snow-pure maiden- They captured her coming back, wearing her slinky new togs, wandering around the academy with her firm taut buttocks (with closeups) and her silky bare back and so on – by the last pages the artist had been having some kind of freaky shoujo breakdown - I'm betting someone needed a cold shower just to finish the picture.
I honestly think the point of it is for someone Tatsuki knows to see if our little dragon might be looking for a little intimate company.
And last but not least (OH so very, very not least) they capture Tatsuki running up to me – and that never even happened!
Then it suddenly occurred to me-
Oh my God I'm the love interest! I fell off my chair laughing – for the second time. Tatsuki – I can see it now-I can feel it coming! Tatsuki has a huge unrequited passion for me! That's why she hates me so much! That's why she ran after Sado Kon! It's the angsty tale of Tatsuki's love for Ichigo!
I have to get more copies. This – everyone should see this! The entire Seireitei should see this! I think I'll even mail a copy to Soi Fon!
I have never laughed so hard in my life.
Thank you. Thank you Karma, for bringing me this one little spot of joy.
Tatsuki Shoujo. Best publication ever. Here's how that little gem unrolls on page seven. Tatsuki sees me, sees Sado Konshiro, mistakes him for Kurosaki Ichigo - runs up and gets all mushy - there haven't been enough issues of The Substitute yet for people to know why she hates me, only her own actions to show that she does. So there I am, Sado Konshiro, telling Tatsuki she's gotten me confused with someone else - that's the page before the last one, which has Tatsuki at her most shoujo, vulnerable and heartbroken (not to mention dressed in a shiny rubber jumpsuit). I don't think she's seen this little treasure yet – at least I haven't heard her screaming about it yet – I'm hoping that if she does she'll think Sado Kon is entirely made up.
Which he is, I guess, but what I mean is that she won't realize there's a Sado Konshiro running around the academy.
Oh shit.
That could be a problem.
Paranoia anyone?
x--x--x--x
Lunch time. Got my Tray O' Cafeteria Slop(TM) and I'm walking to my table. I'm early because I didn't bother with class this morning.
Nerves again. Just once I'd like something to go totally my way without discovering a dark cloud hiding underneath it. I swear there are days I think I'm going to break back into the Court and tell them to do their worst to me. The ups and downs here are too damn stressful. And too damn weird.
The food isn't very good either.
Tatsuki Shoujo (I'm not laughing anymore) is going to end up widely circulated around the academy – the people in it are actually here. The Substitutes' characters (with one kinda exception) are mostly in the Seireitei. Or in pieces.
And speak of the devil, there she is now.
Wait! Wait wait wait! She's reading the damn thing! She's over there, eating her lunch and looking horrified!
What's that they say when the space rockets start – we have ignition?
Looks like we have ignition.
There might be something wrong with my brain, or maybe it's that damn hollow or something, but I had to turn away because I'm trying not to snicker.
Looks like somebody is not a fan. Looks like she's not liking the whole vulnerable shoujo portrayal, especially because it looks like she's lusting after The Substitute.
Unbelievable. What a place to go to school.
I bet this never happened to Renji.
Tatsuki is making a fuss over the damn thing. Maybe this little scene will make it into next week's issue? I hope so, just to piss her off. I just wish I could find whatever arsehole is putting this new crap out and shut her (or him) down. I'd give them the hollow mask and everything. You want a Shoujo Tatsuki? How about an Angry Vizard instead?
Hopefully Tatsuki will keep her cool and refrain from telling Soi Fon, if that one finds out about The Substitute they'll purge the academy again, possibly catching me in the process.
So how are you liking that manga, Tatsuki? It gets old fast, doesn't it?
The strangest part of all came last, when I found myself wanting to thank her. As in thank you Tatsuki. You might be my executioner but I've started to find comfort in your presence.
With you here at least things can't get any worse.
-And that's how my past few weeks went.
Shit.