Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine.

I went to one of the gyms that afternoon to pump iron for a couple of hours. I've grown into a big guy, so I like to keep the muscles at their absolute peak.

Rukia likes it too.

"Shit," I rolled off the bench I'd been using, shunpoed away. Momo had just drifted into the weight room. Kind of funny, considering she doesn't weigh anything. She's dressed like shinigami gym girl; I will never understand shinigami fashions. Dressed in the gym uniform with her hair in pigtails she looks about twelve; you'd never believe she's ranked as a vice captain.

Momo is still a problem. And a psycho, as far as I know. I've got strict instructions from Rukia to avoid the Peach girl. Rukia wants to handle Momo herself.

I'm annoyed, but I found myself grinning anyway. Maybe I was starting to like the challenge, I don't know. More likely my brain is finally cracking. Tatsuki, The Substitute, Red Flower, what could make this harder? Maybe someone could send an anonymous note to Zaraki or something. I'm tempted to send one myself, just so it won't be a surprise when 'ole Spike finally shows up.

It's probably been fully a year since I've spoken to Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika or Ganju. They're supposed to get in touch as soon as the coast is clear. Apparently it ain't clear yet. Hanataro had to beg off our training - it was getting suspicious back at Fourth, that's why I'm in with the other boys and girls now. Momo, by virtue of being stunned, hasn't been my problem yet. Nearly bumped into Snowy twice though.

He didn't see me, but the second time I think he might have been smirking, which could mean only one thing.

Little rat bastard must be dating my sister. And gloating that I'm not there to stop him.

Well, at least Goat is around. Someone can keep the Snowball above board.

Of course Yuzu is probably siding with Snowy, meaning Goat is outnumbered. And Goat is kinda stunned to begin with-

I wish I was there. I wish I could be there to chase that punk down the street, beating him over the head with any bunch of flowers he might have appeared with. Hey Captain! Yo Captain Hitsugaya! You forgot your flowers! Then I'd whack him a few more times and he'd go and hide behind Rangiku or something, and I could get Ukitake to dose the little horndog with something to keep his ardor down.

The main point though, I'm still on track. Other than the Red Flower I'm mostly left alone and I've managed (that one fight aside) not to get noticed. Thankfully I seem to have failed whatever the test is to get moved up to a more advanced class.

Regardless, a day was going to come when I'd presumably be required to have a Shikai. Which of course I've got, in the form of an extremely large and attractive cleaver.

A rather recognizable cleaver.

So I was still working on the plan to release direct to Bankai. Well that required something, something I didn't have and wasn't likely to get.

Zangetsu's cooperation.

We were having another of those talks, and amazingly enough, just like every other talk we've had on the subject, old man Zangetsu wasn't buying into the dream.

To see the old man sulk you'd think he was five years old. Again I explained the situation. Again he started in on me. I said I really need this, old man. He said no. I said I really, really need this, old man, I can't get out of here without it. And he said, no. So I said I really wish we could work tog-

And guess what he said?

This might come as a surprise to you-

It was certainly a surprise to me-

He said no.

I said please, I tried playing nice. I begged him to show me how to go directly from sealed to Bankai - Zangetsu laughed in my face. I asked if he'd be willing to answer to a slightly different name, that really got him angry. About the only thing he was willing to even consider was a hilt ribbon on his Bankai form, and he didn't actually agree to that. By that point I figured I'd take anything I could get.

It reached the point I almost got that damn hollow involved, but I figured you stick your hands in shit you end up with shit on your hands.

And nobody wants shit on their hands.

You hear that, you shit handed hollow?

I figured I'd antagonized Zangetsu enough for one day, so I took my leave of him.

Then it suddenly occurred to me there was something I hadn't considered. Zangetsu is a permanently released Zanpakuto, right? You call his name and he stays in his Shikai form, he doesn't revert back when I'm knocked out or whatever. I can force him back to a sealed state, and he's currently in a sealed state, but my point is what if he were still a permanently released-type Zanpakuto, just a different one?

It's the Shikai that's my problem, right? That's the form that's so recognizable. But suppose I could force Zangetsu the other way, have him permanently released but in his Bankai form? Then it'd be easy, a scabbard, a few ribbons and I could claim Zangetsu was a different Zanpakuto entirely.

If it could be done it'd have the benefit of getting around the whole name thing - that stupid manga always refers to Zangetsu by name so there's no way of hiding that.

Well, I guess I know what next week's conversation will be about. I'd already tried the old man on other names, that had been last week's conversation.

How about Ustegnaz?

No, that was out of the question.

What about Tensa? Short for Tensa Zangetsu?

His name, he'd insisted, was Zangetsu.

What about Tensa Zangetsu, but I'd whisper the Zangetsu part?

He'd walked away at that point.

This had some potential, the more I thought about it the more I thought it could work -

Assuming even someone with my power has the grunt to keep a Bankai going around the clock.

Another shite idea by yours truly.

You know, I'd been thinking lately about how a Zanpakuto usually embodies the characteristics of its owner; Zangetsu is a tall, attractive man, with a powerful build, a deep voice, exceptional intelligence, he's well dressed – and he's clearly a hit with the ladies -

-while Zabimaru is a baboon.

Let's think about this for a moment.

Renji, Baboon, Baboon, Renji -

And not just any baboon, oh no, Renji is the baboon king – he's even got a move called that. I mean, I've known for years – since the first time I met him I knew Renji had some baboon in him, but a baboon king?

That's pretty impressive.

Yes, Renji is a baboon king. Pretty obvious to anyone who ever met him. Or God forbid gone out to dinner with him.

I just don't think he fully appreciates it himself.

Let's see, we've got a baboon king, and Ikkaku is Seireitei's king of bald people.

Well he is.

I mean, bald is bald, lots of shinigami are bald. But nobody is bald quite like Ikkaku. He's bald. He's even balder than that big ugly baby thing of Mayuri's, and that's pretty bald. Hell, he's even balder than the old man, and achieving that level of bald-

Plus he's got that shine thing happening, not a lot of bald guys can do that.

And the old man's a dickweed, just so you know. One day I'm going to take that scraggly beard of his and flip it over the top of his head like a comb-over, just to see how it looks.

Oh Dude! You look years younger! No, no one will notice – it looks very real-

Baboon king. Fancy that. Of course they're both better off than poor Hanataro. As much as I like Gourd (I used to see him all the time when Hanataro was working on his Bankai training, Gourd looks a lot like a giant walking-

Probably shouldn't go into that.

I really lucked out to have a Zanpakuto that looks like a human being.

I wonder if we could get Renji to act more like a baboon king. It's a pity, I bet Urahara could have talked him into it, but I can hardly talk to Urahara anymore.

Maybe I could get Urahara to put together a baboon gigai for Renji?

Nah, I've got something better in mind.

See, the Seireitei is behind the times in terms of entertainment. No television. I never knew how much I loved television until I was a world away from it. Here, you want television you have to go out in the street and find it, track down someone in the middle of a rotten experience (Tatsuki when the Fangirls are after her) and watch them. Not a lot of entertainment that you don't have to hunt down first.

And I think that's wrong.

So I was thinking what we probably need is a dedicated effort by the Seireitei to fix that, either on purpose or by accident, I don't really care.

So try this on for size:

Renji as a magical girl. You know, shout out baboon pineapple power, spend ten minutes transforming and using special baboon powers to spread love, justice and possibly lice?

Have to suggest that to him some day. Baboon Pineapple Powweeeeer!

Ikkaku is a must for any Seireitei-based magical girl show. The place has so many good candidates I don't know how I'd fit them all in. Omaeda would have been good, (frightening, but good) were he still alive, and I suspect he might have had the sense of humor to try it. Poor Hanataro would get roped in for sure, not to mention Yumichika-

Hisagi could be our go-to guy for panty shots.

Who could the bad guys be? An evil Soi Fon isn't much of a stretch, though I bet she can cackle with the best of them. Komamura has no sense of humor. Zaraki – nah, he'd be a filler arc – let's help Captain Zaraki by filling his heart with love and justice! But I don't want my heart filled with those things!

Probably have to be Rangiku and her bouncing boobies of doom. Or maybe some of the ladies could be a competitive group of magical girls and they could all slug it out over budget and the best hangouts or something.

Yeah, that's it. Turf war. Lookit, you dumbasses, we don't have enough budget for all you magical girls, so some of you have to go. Fight it out amongst yourselves or something.

God, the fights would be hilarious – I'm gonna kick your ass in the name of love and justice! Oh yeah? Well I'm going to kick your ass in the name of love and justice!

I wonder if Byakuya would make a good magical girl?

God I wish I could draw. I bet my manga could outsell The Substitute three to one. Poor Hanataro would come storming out and shout out I am not a uke and Ikkaku could say shining head power or something. We're here to save the world from the evil influence of sake by drinking it all ourselves! Yeah! Love and justice too!

Nah, how about Hitsugaya shouts I want to be a real boooooy and turns into Ikkaku?

Or he could just miniskirt up himself-

Look, if it'd keep my sister away from him I'm all for it. And can you honestly see Karin with Toshiro the magical girl?

Can't you just see Byakuya in a miniskirt and a sailor collar? Tell me you can't see that. He even has cherry blossom power!

And in a battle with Yoruichi?

That'd be good television.

--I--

So I'm several miles away from campus, Zangetsu in one hand and a couple of meters worth of green ribbon in the other hand, trying to figure out how to release directly to Bankai from a standing start. I'm making some progress, but not as much progress as I need. You can actually get through the academy without releasing your sword, but that's not the way I want to do it. Get too bad a posting and you'd be ignored for the rest of your career, maybe sent to guard the sewers in some God-forsaken outpost.

Remember I'm walking the line of absolute incompetence here. If I screw up I don't graduate at all.

The ribbon idea will probably work, but I'm having a lot of trouble with it. I use my Bankai form a certain way, the ribbon interferes with that. I've wrapped kind of a bow thing around the hilt and a bit on the loop the chain mounts to. Now I just have to convince Zangetsu not to set them on fire every time I release, he's being a really bad sport about this.

Thankfully he's never needed his name shouted to release from Shikai to Bankai

And then something just snapped.

Know what?

I'm tired of this. I've had enough.

Enough shit, enough clowning around, enough worrying about Tatsuki.

I've made my decision.

This weekend I'm taking Rukia to the seashore for the day.

I'm taking a day off.

In the library there was a collection of maps. I did some looking, then some scouting and found a beach, nice and far away, but still manageable for anyone who could flashstep continuously for an hour or two.

It's way too far for most people; there might be a dozen people in the Seireitei who can make it to the coast and back again in a plausible amount of time. For most people a day trip isn't feasible.

I've got all my initial preparations done, pinched a couple of towels and some sunscreen, even found a basket for a picnic lunch. And arranged for swim trunks, I'm thinking Rukia would prefer I wore something when I went swimming.

This weekend I'm going to see my Rukia in a bikini.

Which requires a – uh – well – it requires a bikini.

I'm thinking Rukia of Edoland doesn't own a bikini.

Soooooooooooo-

Times like this you've got to man up, Nancy. I'm going shopping for a girl's swimsuit.

It was a tough decision, but I knew I had to make it for her. Send Rukia to buy a bathing suit and she'll come back with lovely overalls, or maybe something with long sleeves and build-in feet. But buy her anything too objectionable and she won't wear it at all.

That's a fine line to walk.

Shopping for Rukia was particularly difficult because of her size; there isn't a woman in the world who wants to hear you picked up her clothes in the children's section.

In the old days I used to take Yuzu along when I bought Rukia gifts.

Now I just need something – small for Rukia to wear. No different from the sweater I bought her that time. Should be easy enough-

It wasn't. See a lot of bathing suit stores in the Edo era? Didn't think so.

End of hour one I'd found nothing. And when I say nothing I don't mean I couldn't find anything I liked, I mean I couldn't find any stores. Ramen? Sure, we got that. Kimonos? How many do you want?

You want to buy a what?

Shite, this could be a problem.

I knew something had to exist somewhere (having seen lady shinigami laundry hanging out to dry), it was just a question of where. Maybe there's some sort of girl-dar you need to home in on this sort of thing – I obviously don't have it.

Damn Edo period.

I prowled all day before I found a carefully concealed lingerie store. Oh, women are cunning – you've hidden it so we won't buy you sleazy things for your birthdays, but we're onto you-

I had thought this would be easy - find some place with a big sign that said ladies swimsuits, 50 percent off. Maybe with a subtext reading 'which 50 percent - up to you.' Or something like that.

But no.

I guess the shinigami and Edo-ists don't go to the beach much.

Anyway, I find this store, and I'm not really thinking about it, so I walk in-

Man.

Yes I am. And I can't help but love her so.

But let me tell you, I almost lost my resolve, standing in that doorway.

I know men shop in places like this; I understand that on a conceptual level, that a guy can go in to pick up something for that special someone in his life. Like I'm doing, for the special someone in my life.

So why do I feel like I've committed some sort of crime just by being here? There are three or four older women looking at me as I stand in the doorway and I would have swapped these four for Ulquiorra and the three Espada above him, thank you. Something about the 'So what sort of pervert are you?' look is enough to take the thunder out of even the strongest man.

What do these four old ladies have that Espada don't? Espada don't make me nervous like this!

On the bright side I didn't see Yoruichi, Soi Fon or Captain Unohana anywhere, so that had to be good.

I just shouldn't have worn my student uniform.

Sigh.

Bravely on! I challenged the Seireitei! I charged into Hueco Mundo! Ladies underwear does not intimidate me!

Much!

Man up! Man up Ichigo! Think of Shunsui! Think of Byakuya! Think of Zaraki!

But mostly think of Shunsui! He wouldn't panic!

Zaraki might, actually – I worry about that first training bra he'll have to buy for Yachiru some day.

Think on Shunsui and Chaaaaaarge!

It's easier if you don't make eye contact.

I looked around quickly saw a small rack at the back and stalked towards it, thinking shit, I should have worn my mask, I'd be blushing less.

Help help, there's a Vizard browsing through the thongs-

-Thongs?-

Easy, easy Ichigo - keep calm - maybe I should move up to flash steps-

I glanced around-