Disclaimer: Bleach, its characters and its settings aren't mine.

I glanced around-

And not a single person was looking at me.

Oh thank God!

But why'd I get that feeling?

Heh - ignore it. I'm invisible and no one can see me.

Provided I don't touch anything.

Or look at anything.

Or smile or-

Don't panic.

God, to think the war would have turned out differently if Aizen had filled Las Noches with lacy underthings and lady Arrancar shopkeepers-

Maybe Renji could have kept going, but me, Chad and Ishida would have been stopped in our tracks – fifteen years old, Halibel coming towards us with an interesting bra held high - "May I interest you gentlemen in something from our spring collection-"

Would have been the end of us.

This was no big deal, I could handle this. It's like a hot spring, once you get in the water is fine. I'll find something for Rukia, then I'd be on my way. Guess I'm a man now. How about - Ooooooooooo!

I found a - ooooooooooo!

It's oooooooooo!

Oooooooooooooo!

Steady big guy. It's - this is after the fact that I'm actually writing this down, so I can tell you, after the fact, that what I'd found was sort of a - well, it was like the designer had given up half way, sort of a string going this way, and another string going that way, and that was sort of it.

At first I'm thinking Jackpot, except Rukia wouldn't wear it and there's a good chance she'd try to strangle me with it.

Ever been choked out with a thong? I'm sure it sounds a lot better then it actually is. Still, I could buy it anyway. Maybe wear it on my head-

Nah, better put this one back on the rack. It's not a good idea, not a good idea at all.

Try not to think about that one Ichigo.

Times like this I thank God that Rukia and I aren't anything like the same size. Sound silly? Trust me, if you're a guy in a place like this you don't ever want confusion about who you're shopping for – and why do they always chose such a disapproving older lady to run the cash? Is it like a union rule or something? What's worse, I'm going to have to talk to her. She'll probably ask me if I found everything I was looking for. I ask you, do I deserve that?

If she says anything I'm going to tell her she has a nice mustache. That'll teach her.

Looking around, looking around.

There really isn't much selection, is there?

Not for a serious connoisseur at least.

Finally I've got my choice and I'm up to the cash. There's a line of course - there'd been no line when I first got there, and no line since, but one materialized just when I need the cash register. No one ended up behind me either.

This wasn't that bad, I was surprised, I have to tell you. Maybe I'll pick up a few more things for Rukia some time. Oh wait, I'm next-

I looked at the lady running the cash, matched her polite glower with one of my own. So help me woman, give me any abuse and I'll-

"Will that be everything sir?"

Knew she'd say that. I modulate my voice down an octave, give her a gravelly "Yes it will, thank you."

Then I was grabbed-

-from behind.

Powerful hands had grabbed me!

Yes, powerful hands.

I've been caught!

Someone is holding me!

By my ass.

This is one of those time-slows-down moments.

God I hope those are female hands; they don't feel very large, but they're very strong. And they're grasping my buttocks.

Clenching my buttocks.

Yes, someone is squeezing my ass cheeks very hard.

Really hard.

REALLY HARD! Oh my God it's like shaking hands with Zaraki! Ow! Squeezing - OW! Kneading! Kneading my buttocks! Kneading like bread dough! Oww OWW- She has a very firm grip! I'm going to die! An Espada has got me! An Espada has got me by the ass!

"I-uhhh-"

"Caught you, Prettyboy."

Despite my intense pain, I had to sigh. So, like, not an Espada.

Rangiku.

Firm grip the girl has. I can only hope the next time she gets drunk she gives Snowball an injury that will keep him away from my sister.

And my ass?

I don't think she's going to let go.

OWWWWWW! She's trying to pull a side off! She wants half my ass as a souvenir! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna be all bruised!

Save me! Someone! Anyone! Save my poor ass!

Rangiku giggles and blows in my ear.

"Watch your step Prettyboy. And look me up when you're out of the academy."

She let go on one side, gave me what I think was supposed to be a friendly pat - but she smacked me hard enough that I almost fell over! But she - the other hand!

OWWW!

"Uh right."

Rangiku finally lets go, I feel her nose touch the back of my neck.

I barely made it out of the store, silly little pink bag (complete with embarrassing logo) in one hand. I want to flash step but I can't feel one of my legs.

Bloody Rangiku, always flirting with me and now trying to maim me as well! So in addition to possibly getting my cover blown, now I have to worry about my virtue as well? Not fair man! Not fair at all!

Rangiku watched the missing Substitute go, waited close to a minute after he was out of sight.

"You can open your eyes Nemu."

Nemu did.

"Who was that?" asked Nemu politely.

"No one at all," said Rangiku.

They'd bought what she and Nemu had gone to buy, and now the Vice Captains were walking back towards their squad headquarters.

Rangiku was contemplative and grinning.

Kurosaki Ichigo. So that's where you've been hiding. What a sneaky naughty boy you've been.

At the academy. Based off his uniform in second year.

The timing was about right; if he'd somehow made it to the academy right away he might have joined the first year class last year; he wouldn't have been that late.

Kurosaki Ichigo. The boy was full of surprises.

How on earth had he done it without anyone noticing?

Well that was simple enough, nobody had looked.

Why had nobody looked?

She eyed Nemu. Poor silent Nemu, so beautiful and so painfully transparent.

Nemu hadn't said a word. Normally that wasn't that unusual for Nemu. Rangiku and Nemu weren't especially close, but Nemu wasn't particularly close to anyone.

Nemu hadn't even blinked - well, she had - when Rangiku told her to shut her eyes at the lingerie store door, and stood there very quietly, eyes shut, until Rangiku had told her she could open them again almost five minutes later. Nemu started her browsing as though nothing had happened.

Of course Nemu always obeyed orders, but she thought strangely. Strictly speaking she wouldn't obey Rangiku unless she understood the reason; Rangiku didn't outrank her. Yet she'd shut her eyes and hadn't seen Kurosaki-kun.

Rangiku cracked another grin at her silent comrade.

Interesting.

If she didn't see Ichigo, Nemu wouldn't be able to be sure she'd seen Ichigo. And if she couldn't be sure she'd seen Ichigo she couldn't report she'd seen him.

Nemu-logic.

Why Nemu, you naughty little cat you.

But it made a lot of sense. In fact, Nemu was probably the linchpin in any plan to hide him - If Nemu didn't want Kurosaki-kun found, then as Vice Captain of Twelfth and head of monitoring operations, Nemu could make that happen.

Incredible - Nemu was concealing Ichigo. And had been for two years now.

And no one had ever suspected a thing.

Clever Nemu. If no one ever asked she'd never be required to tell, would she?

Though... it might not do to read too much into it.

Ichigo was at the academy, fine, suppose Nemu had nothing to do with it - suppose he'd gone through konso-

-Someone would have had to do it, Ichigo couldn't have done it by himself-

-But suppose he had-

How hardly mattered though; Ichigo was a student at the academy, that was enough.

And but for the power of ladies lingerie she would never have known. Lingerie, was there anything it couldn't do?

"I'll see you at the Vice Captain's meeting, Vice Captain Matsumoto." said Nemu politely. There was no way to break the girl of her formality.

"Of course Nemu-chin. I'll see you tomorrow."

Nemu bowed politely again, turned to go.

Silly Nemu. Rangiku had taken the other girl under her wing not long after they'd met, one day in the women's bathhouse.

"Going Commando, Nemu-san?"

"Pardon me, Vice Captain Matsumoto?"

"You're not wearing underwear."

"Under - wear?" She'd said it like she wasn't sure what Rangiku had been talking about.

"Underwear. You know, panties, ladies underwear?"

Apparently Nemu hadn't. She'd very seriously thanked Rangiku for bringing the matter to her attention. The next week Rangiku had caught her again, this time wearing underwear.

Mens underwear. As in something Nemu had very obviously pilfered from her Captain's drawer. It might have been washed but by definition anything that had ever touched Mayuri's flesh was filthy beyond words.

Rangiku had sighed.

"Nemu darling."

"Yes Vice Captain Matsumoto?"

"After our bath we're going shopping."

"Of course, Vice Captain Matsumoto."

"For now we'll talk about the differences between boys and girls."

"Of course, Vice Captain Matsumoto."

And to think Nemu had been in on shielding Ichigo.

A stray thought passed through her mind. His hair was white, was that dye? What if it wasn't? Could it be that orange hair turned white at death?

She tried to imagine Captain Ukitake and Captain with bright orange hair like Ichigo. The effect was rather strange in her mind.

Rukia. Rukia-san could have performed the Konso. If she had, did Byakuya know? Obviously Rukia knew - Ichigo was at the academy, Rukia was teaching at the academy - unless Ichigo had developed strange habits (the thought made Rangiku blush in a terribly naughty and above all hopeful way) he wouldn't otherwise have a use for ladies underwear.

Ladies Lingerie, there really wasn't anything it couldn't do!

Ichi was just lucky-

-lucky-

-Captain-

-Momo-

-The academy?-

Did Captain know? He couldn't! Captain always played by the rules! He'd never hide Ichigo! So Captain didn't know - Momo - Momo might, she adored Ichigo, she somehow thought he'd saved her from Aizen-

Blast this was troublesome!

Captain couldn't know. Momo might; if she had she hadn't told him.

Rangiku had to keep Captain from the academy somehow, she couldn't let Ichigo be-

Never fear, Ichi-kun, I'll protect you. I'll keep them from finding you.

And your luscious ass.

OHH My ass! My ass! She's got my ass again! Save my ass! Somebody-help me!

I woke up then, realized I'd been dreaming.

Probably brought on by having rolled onto my back, including my very sore back side.

I rolled onto my stomach and tried to get back to sleep. Bloody Rangiku, doing that to me. How the hell could I be surprised? Her Zanpakuto is called Asscat-

Bloody Hellfire. How am I supposed to fight like this? I can't feel my legs!

I'm going back to sleep.

I was admiring the fruits of my shopping trip.

I'd gone with tastefully understated. Bikini, little band top, bottom covers most of her hips, the woman in the store called it boy leg, whatever that means. Maybe she was insulting me, I'm not sure.

It's blue.

I think I can talk her into wearing it.

Rukia, not the woman from the store.

Sunday morning finally arrived. I got up really early, packed a lunch into my basket, popped on my fifty percent patch (I need the speed) and shunpoed off to Rukia's rooms. Avoiding the other teachers was easy. The few who saw something flash by figured I was Byakuya.

Well my butt is sore and my soul is troubled. Me and Rukia. The Beach. ASAP.

But how? For without Bikini all is lost.

I've got the bikini – that was the (gasp) easy part, though I didn't come through the battle unscathed. The hard part is getting Rukia into the bikini.

What's that old proverb? You can buy a girl a bikini but you can't make her wear it? Something like that. I considered the matter as I knocked on Rukia's door.

You know I'm even looking forward to the trip – a nice run, nothing the Ichigo Express can't handle with one small passenger.

"Rukia? Oh Ruuukia?"

She opened the door, let me in, but looked at me very suspiciously. "What?"

"Wanna go to the beach?"

And...

She smiled! Yes! Mission accomplished!

Then she frowned.

"It's a bit far to the water. I teach tomorrow."

"Not for me. Round trip, we can be back before dark, I promise."

"We'd need a lunch-"

"Already packed." I tapped my basket. "Snacks, drinks and everything."

She smiled! My Rukia smiled!

"I'll get my swimsuit." She moved towards a cabinet on one wall.

Yeeeeess!

Nooooooo!

"What the hell? No!"

Rukia looked at me strangely, held up her swimsuit and looked at it like she couldn't figure out what my problem was. I swear, Byakuya must have bought it for her! In 1930 - it belonged on somebody's grandmother!

"Noo! Not that! Bikini!"

"I don't have a-"

"I bought you-"

"I'm not wearing anything you bought!"

I started stamping my feet and waving my arms. "No one piece! Especially not that one piece! Bikini!"

Rukia wasn't having this. "You've probably brought something obscene!"

"Bikini!"

"I said no!"

"Bikini bikini bikini!"

"Ichigo, I said no!"

"Bikini!"

"All right, you stupid man! I'll look at whatever you bought me, but if it's obscene-"

"Bikini! Rukia Bikini now!"

"I said I'll look at it!"

So I fished it out of the basket.

She didn't look mortally outraged with what she saw.

That was a good start.

"Mmm." I started talking like Pyon - she trusts Pyon. "Nice and conserwative. -Kuya-bozu would apwoove." I pushed the interesting blue garment against her stomach.

"Would you stop that?"

"Bikini!"

"Shut up!"

"Bikini!"

She examined said garment. When she announced she'd think about it I let the subject drop.

Anticlimax, huh?

Well I couldn't push too hard - I'm a gentleman. Besides, I'll definitely take Rukia in her granny suit if the alternative is going to the beach by myself.

Rukia boarded the Ichigo Express a few minutes later and we were off the campus a heartbeat after that, her neatly seated seiza-style on my back, with her raised spiritual pressure masking mine.

Life was good. For a day I had no problems. There was no one but me and my Rukia in the entire world. I could run as fast as I wanted and my Rukia was with me. What more could I ever want in life? I'm nineteen years old – wait, I'm twenty now. No, wait a sec, I think I'm twenty one-

How have I lost track of my age?

Because I'm dead. Time doesn't mean what it used to.

With that gloomy thought firmly in mind I jumped over a tree. It's something to think about – I don't think it ever really sunk in that I'm dead.

Focus on the run. God, I love to run.

When we reached the water we were nowhere, it was the perfect private beach, alone and empty and beautiful, with warm golden sand and my Rukia and no one else in the world to interfere with us. Perfection.

My Rukia wandered off to find some privacy, and she was packing - going, going, going gone-

A few minutes later she comes back carrying her pants. The length of her shinigami uniform covers whatever she's wearing under it, hopefully not the Kuya-bozu special-

My god, those legs! I mean I've seen her in a skirt hundreds of times but-

She's-she's reaching for the sash! She's reaching for the sash! The sash! Oh my god I'm having a religious experience!

My Rukia is wearing a bikini!

I'm not going to share the rest of that day; it's private. Let's just say I had a great time and by the time night rolled around I felt better than I had in months.

It could all be okay. Really it could. I have my Rukia, all sleepy and dozing against my back as I flashstep back. Life – or even death – can be pretty good.

It was late out, very late. But one light in Fourth Division still burned.

Isane worked feverishly, pens scratching out the vision from her mind.

I'm sitting under a tree having another really good laugh about Tatsuki Shoujo. Today's episode, Tatsuki's first Zanpakuto class. I'm thinking it didn't unroll quite like this; there probably weren't so many flowers around, for one thing. My first regular class I didn't go alone to a flowery meadow with some tall beautiful Sensei, it was me and a bunch of other grunts busting bokken on logs, this looks more like a lady Samurai duel sponsored by a fashion magazine. Tatsuki's uniform is down a little over one shoulder, softly and beautifully-

-got to get this to Yumichika-

-Wait a second, the instructor - isn't that the hook-nosed harridan that taught one of the sections? It is! That woman is miserable! She's no shoujo instructress! She's a hag!

Whoever writes this crap is dreaming in Technicolor. I guess once that magic of Tatsuki Shoujo gets you it just sweeps you away. With flowers! And probably with soft and inspirational music.

Tatsuki Shoujo. I stand by what I said, this is the best stuff ever printed to paper.

Dammit, I should really crack the books now - we've got midterms coming up. I'm not too worried because I can't do too well. Kido could be a bit of a bastard though.

Anyway, the weather is great so I didn't feel like going indoors to study. I feel like raising some hell, actually.

Maybe I could buy Rukia something nice. Something small and nice?

Ruuuukia!

I think I'll go see her right now!

So I snuck into the teacher's wing, slipped into her rooms. She smiled at me; she was just back from her bath, and she wore a soft white kimono. Her tiny little feet were bare. Rukia has the most amazing feet. They're so small they get lost in the palm of my hand.

She's so beautiful. She deserves so much more than me.

Rukia hasn't said anything yet, but she's smiling at me. Then she get very sad - ashamed? Why on earth is-

Rukia pulls on her sash and it falls open. The kimono slips off her shoulders. She's blushing, looking down, won't meet my eyes-

Rukia isn't wearing anything under her kimono.

For the life of me I can't think of why she's embarrassed - she's so beautiful, like an angel-

I went to her-

My Rukia.

That was our first time.