Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings.

I don't get a reprieve. Tatsuki releases her shikai and goes apeshit, absolutely apeshit on me. And here I thought a week in bed might have calmed her down. The red triangle blades are whirling around me-

-Oh dammit, Tatsuki has lost it, she's going to get disqualified - there are rules about all out trying to kill your opponent - the administration would find out. More important, if she gets her ass disqualified I don't get paid. But Tatsuki's taken the bit between her teeth and she's running with it - she wants me to expose myself.

Oooooooh Tatsuki. If Kuya-bozu were here he'd have some aristocratic comment about the difference in our power, maybe tell you you're a feral cat yowling at the moon cutter or something. Man has a stick up his ass but he's got a way with words.

Oh well. This is one of those days I'm choosing to take the easy way out.

I downed Tatsuki with a cheap shot, punched her in the face. She's a hell of a fighter but my shunpo is way faster. I leaned into it and I connected solidly. The dragon's eyes roll back and she crumbles. I didn't try to catch her, only watched while her twenty whirling blades stopped spinning and fell out of the air. After a second or so they melted. It was kind of a neat effect; the melted metal looked like red mercury. The gleaming red pools sort of attracted each other and the puddles converged on the hilt Tatsuki had been holding. When all the puddles arrived they turned silver and the blade of her unreleased Zanpakuto reformed.

Naughty Tatsuki. Time for your lesson.

I applied the tip of Zangetsu to the blade of Red Dragon and broke the newly reformed blade from the hilt. It will heal, but that will take time.

Then I pulled bankai Zangetsu back and rested him on one shoulder. "Money. Now."

"Now wait-"

"Money. Now."

They paid me. A lot.

Then I left, hoping the snow maid would follow.

Which she did.

Is this my lucky day or what?

I'm thinking not.

Just my luck.

We got out ahead of the crowd. Most of them would be awhile, either talking about this match, the next match or some past match. Or settling up the wagers. Regardless, I stepped outside and walked off into the night. Have a certain destination in mind.

You'd think someone would have taught snow maiden not to follow suspicious shirtless men into darkened garden bowers, but I guess aristocrats do things differently or something. Anyway, snow maiden follows me into the dark. I should have been a lot madder and a great deal more nervous, but something about a great big bag of money marked Ichigo kind of took the edge off my aggression. I lured her to my dark little rose garden of choice.

"Who are you?"

She bowed.

"My name is Nagasuki Kaede. My family is a branch house of the Kuchiki family."

Great. A Kuchiki. Not sure I ever mentioned this, but there aren't a lot of Kuchiki I get along with. I guess there were a lot of things I could have said then, but I opted for the easy one. I've been caught so often I'm becoming blasé about the whole thing.

"What do you want with me?"

"I want to know if your story is true."

"You mean The Substitute?"

Her expression showed a certain disdain.

Honey, I don't feel like disdain tonight.

"Work with me sister, I don't do subtle. What do you know about me?"

"I know there's a price on your head."

Okay, that was blunt enough.

"And what do you plan to do about it?" That's sort of a prelude to 'if I kill you I'll have to bury you, and I didn't bring a shovel with me.'

"Nothing. Your treatment at the hands of the shinigami was disgraceful."

"We agree on that. You know who I am. Now what?"

"I would hope that you will see me again."

Oh shit. Is this chick a bunny boiler or something? Why are the weird ones always interested in me?

"Why?" I felt a lot less confident than I sounded at that point - from the way she'd said it I almost thought she was looking for lovin'.

Rukia would just love that.

"I wish to learn."

"You wish to learn."

You know, I look at those four words written on the page and they simply don't do justice to what I said. They really don't. Oh, I might have said 'you wish to learn,' but what I meant and what those four words conveyed to this girl – Kami, every day of my life might as well be molded in shit on an all-shit landscape complete with stinking walking shit people that follow me around and a shit-based smell that literally turned my hair white. This shit I can't ever get away from, because, hey, through no fault of my own, I live in shit-land. And what's this? Oh, weather's coming in - it looks like a shit tornado coming over the horizon and it's gunning just for me because my life is shit and everything I touch turns to shit and now here you are and you wish to learn.

Well isn't that wonderful?

Another student. Another damn student? I'm not on the frickin' faculty! Leave me alone already! Do I look like a damn sensei?

"Um, I'm not on the faculty, Kaede-san."

She smiles at me. I suspect that was the first time in her life she got a -san rather than a -sama. I don't think she's planning to leave me alone.

Steady Ichigo, just stay focused and try not to get too despondent. Someone who wanted to be my girlfriend would have been another kind of problem. At least this is just another of the same type I've already got.

Fumiko, Tatsuki and now this chick Kaede. I might as well get a kick-me sign for my back. What the hell is with these people?

She seemed to think I was about to tell her off, because her facade cracked for a moment and she made me an offer. "I'm something of a prodigy myself, Kurosaki-dono. Rumor has it you're incapable of most kido. I've been called the academy's most skilled practitioner since Ise Nanao. Let me train you, in exchange for training with a sword."

"Nanao? Nice girl. I like her." Let's just get a common frame of reference here hon. "You're already skilled with a Zanpakuto."

"You are better."

Well, yeah, but-

Three idiots and they're all mine. And the complete set at that, Tatsuki the Hakuda queen, Fumiko princess of the sword and now Kaede the future Kido master. We're practically out of arts here – what comes next – Oh, I'm sorry Miss, but I've already got a Hakuda expert who knows my secret, so I don't need another. No Miss, really, I don't need another. Yes, the kido expert space is also taken-

Rukia's going to kill me. How am I supposed to explain they won't leave me alone? No, Rukia, it' s not like that, they just followed me home-

It's not like I can hide it from her.

Fine, tell Rukia, see what she knows about the girl, then find some place quiet to try some kido.

I wish they'd all go away.

"Fine."

Kaede at least was as good as her word. We booked some time in the underground kido range at two in the morning. She has me doing a first year kido drill.

Kaede wanted to start with binding spells but I told her me and binding spells aren't a good combination. The one time I managed the six bars of light binding I cut the arancar in half, meaning we didn't get our questions answered and Rukia yelled at me.

All of a sudden the fireball goes oblong in my hand and disappears.

That's happened three times now.

I told Kaede my surging theory, that what for me are minor fluctuations in my output are still enough to blow up my kidos.

She raises her hands towards my face.

"May I, Kurosaki-dono?"

I've tried to stop her on that three times already. She just won't give up with the -dono thing. Driving me nuts.

I nod and Kaede puts her hands on my temples.

"Please try the fireball aga-"

She whips her hands away like she's been burned and steps back before I'm through the first two words, shaking her hands like she's just taken an electrical shock.

"Ah-I believe you've established the root of your problem, Kurosaki-dono."

"Great." Who, me? Sarcastic? Never. "What can I do about it?"

"Have you ever made use of energy attacks other than with your Zanpakuto?"

"I've used a Hado ninety black coffin and I almost managed a six bar binding." Well, she didn't have to know the particulars. "Most of my success at kido has been fireballs taller than you are."

"Possibly we're starting in the wrong area then, Kurosaki-dono. If the surging in your spiritual pressure is such that the lower level attack kido won't work for you perhaps we should teach you some very high level attack kido."

"Aren't those dangerous?"

"That's the point, Kurosaki-dono."

Oh har har. "And likely to get me caught? Nobody at the academy should be able to use the high level attacks."

"That's not precisely true, Kurosaki-dono. I myself know all the high level hado incantations. They're usually longer but not a great deal more complicated. Mostly what keeps them out of reach is a lack of spiritual pressure, which you have in abundance. Many Shinigami know them by rote, even if they're unable to use them."

"Won't someone notice if I start tossing around Hados in the nineties?" They'd certainly noticed the coffin thing.

"Not if you have adequate shielding and someone to take credit for the devastation."

"I don't like that word devastation. I'm trying to keep a low profile."

Kaede smiled at me. Did I say she has the strangest gray eyes? Like Hinata, but that's another story. She suits the student uniform – I think she's the tallest girl at the academy.

"I can contain your experiments, Kurosaki-dono. I've arranged for time at a private facility."

The nobles have it best. The Sereitei wouldn't book an entire dojo just for me. And I kick ass.

"Kurosaki-dono." Kaede spoke as though the idea had just come to her, "have you ever tried Hado 4? The White Lighting?

"Miss, if I had any access to white lighting I'd drink it. I'm not familiar with Hado 4. Doesn't using a Hado that low sort of invalidate your prior theory?"

"Not necessarily. The White Lighting Hado doesn't explode, it pierces, electrifies and burns. You've been concentrating on fire kido and explosions, they might not be a natural fit for you."

Thought about that. Byakuya likes the White Lighting kido. He can do a hell of a lot of damage without investing too much energy in the attack. Maybe Kaede is on to something here. A good, solid direct attack that doesn't explode in my own face? I know Kaede dramatically oversimplified the high end hado attacks – there's a lot more to them then just mouthing the incantations and pumping spirit pressure into your fingers. But a nice level four hado? Getting a kido right might be just the pick-me-up I need. Hado 4 white lighting. The proverbial point-and-shoot.

It might just work. Provided I can make it go in a straight line – yeah, maybe she's onto something.

"Fine, teach me Hado 4."

You want to hear the strangest thing? That was it for awhile. I paid down my fees, dealt with the ladies (taking care to keep the three of them very, very separate) and saw Rukia whenever I had a chance. For the rest of the week nothing strange happened, if you don't count Morisato trying to get me down to the baths twice a day.

The times like this I don't normally bother to write down, but a bit of boredom was exactly what I needed. I'm going to spell it out so the next time I've got the wrong kind of excitement happening I'll have something relaxing to read.

Not that it will help. I find when times are toughest I worry less. It's the quiet periods that let my anxiety get away with me.

I always need something to take my mind off things. Right now I'm using my prodigal three students to do that, which doesn't always work. Tatsuki the hair triggered (I can't believe what I'm about to write) means well enough – as long as I've got something she wants she don't deliberately give me away, but her ferocious temper makes her a little scary. She'd going to do something stupid and get me caught. Fumiko, well, same deal except not so angry. I think she's just less – what's the word? Considerate? Probably not. She just doesn't think as much as I'd like her to – to her it's all a big joke. Certainly anyone whose immediate response to figuring out I was around was to tell all her Red Flower friends about me can't be counted as the most prudent thinker. Kaede is actually the best of the three. While I suspect it's something of a game to her as well, she's the least likely to let anyone know.

I'm even making some progress on the white lightning.

As I said, I needed something to take my mind off things, so I was doing something I shouldn't been doing, something flippant. I figure if I keep it in measured doses and keep it from getting ahead of me-

Anyway, I was sitting at my desk doing a very bad thing.

I can't draw, right? But I can operate a photocopier. So I ran off some copies of some of Tatsuki shoujo and The Substitutes better pictures, and I'm assembling my own dojinshi version of Tatsuki shoujo.

Mine is much better than that other one.

Let me go through it with you.

Tatsuki walks into the room and says "damn, my genitals stink-"

Okay, just kidding. I wanted to go with something more personal, something a little more subtle that was guaranteed to hit the mark.

What a little bastard I am!

Let's see here, panel one, where's that shot of me standing heroically after my fight with Byakuya? I don't remember standing heroically after that fight, I remember Orihime stitching my ass back together. Note to self, don't tangle with Byakuya, he's a lot tougher than he looks. Damn White Imperial Sword thing.

Paste on to that this wide-eyed shot from Tatsuki shoujo, originally drawn with a not-so-subtle lesbian attraction to Captain Yoruichi. On Tatsuki's part anyway; whoever cooked up Tatsuki shoujo didn't want to do anything that might have pissed Yoruichi off.

That's not bad actually, big eyed Tatsuki and heroic me. It's obviously a cut and paste job, but that only makes it funnier.

What to say, what to say?

Ichigo, I understand you're well hung?

Nah. Too easy. People have to read this. Maybe I should put the rest of the page together before I put the words on.

Did some digging and found another excellent picture. Only Yachiru had seen the wreckage of my first little altercation with Zaraki, so the artist assumes that because I had survived I must have left him in a heap and strode away with my iron balls ringing like church bells every time they knocked together. In reality Yoruichi picked up my sorry arse with a spatula and hauled me off like so much roadkill. This picture though, shows me being very manly, sort of a 'Halt, Evil-Doer!' thing.

Which Tatsuki should I pair with this?

Bingo, how about the Tatsuki yearning for Ichigo shot where she hurries up behind Sado Konshiro? Nah, this called for – this called for Tatsuki's first Zanpakuto class, in the flowering meadow with the shoujo instructress who just happens to be a hag. Yeah, that's the one.

Damn, these pictures are so good I can't come up with any captions. I thought about the whole yearning thing and decided not to risk it. While it would have pissed off Tatsuki mightily it might have gotten me caught.

So would anyone who made fun of Soi Fon - they'd figure it'd take someone with big ones to try that.

How come I never get to have any fun anymore?

Where the hell is Grimslaw when you need him?

God, I must be out of my mind. A fight with Grimslop? I can take him hands down at this point; once you've rumbled with Espadas one through three a few times ol' Grim seems pretty tame by comparison.

Tatsuki-

Has that bald menace done something to me? I'm beginning to wonder if Ikkaku somehow infected me with his prankster gene. I'm feeling the urge to lash out at my many oppressors today.

Yes, by all means, let's lash out.

What can we do to make some trouble for some people who richly deserve it?

A thought came to me.

No, I couldn't.

It'd be too risky-

What the hell was wrong with me?

The captains have this sort of private bathhouse thing, though that's really a misnomer. It's more like a private spa. Even the guests have to be third seat or higher, though I gather exceptions are usually made for Yumichika.

If I did it right (and carefully) I could sneak up-

What the hell am I thinking? This is crazy!

I can - If I can get some explosives I can mine the place, drop the roof on their heads!

Okay, that is crazy. Regardless of how fun it might seem.

Suppose I put some ink on the towels though-

Get your head out of the clouds Ichigo! Pranking the captains is suicide and they'll just blame Ikkaku anyway!

I could prank the students, though – hell, I could prank Tatsuki.

Yeeeeaaaaaah, I could prank Tatsuki.

But how?

I looked at my little pictures.

Sigh. They hardly compare with blowing up the Captains bathhouse, do they?

I've got to find a better hobby. So I visited Rukia, then went out to train Tatsuki for a hour before I went to Red Flower. I don't see Kaede until tomorrow, so at least I've been able to keep my students from finding out about each other.

Wonder how long that will last.

Eight large men stood in the fifth seat's office, seeking officially unofficial remedy to a problem that affected all Eleventh division.

Fifth Seat Ayasegawa Yumichika had been ridiculed exactly once since joining the Eleventh division, on the day he arrived. The man who'd been fourth seat had called him Butterfly, to his face.

Ikkaku had laughed and laughed, while Yumichika had simply smiled. Then he beat a man twice his size nearly to death before declaring fourth seat empty and Ikkaku and himself the new third and fifth seats. Tetsuzaemon Iba had something to say about that – the battle between him and Madarame Ikkaku for the third seat was the stuff of Eleventh division legend.

They still called Yumichika the Butterfly, but now they used the term with utmost respect. More formally he was the Butterfly Wasp, the only man in the company (other than the Captain) who could fight Ikkaku as something approaching an equal.

"That's enough," snapped Yumichika. He felt the same way about Kurosaki Yuzu. "Arrangements will be made for the girl. Consider this little - problem solved."