Disclaimer: Bleach ain't mine.
Substitute day, or rather, The Substitute day. I was browsing through this week's issue, seeing what glorious feats I'd accomplished, when I came upon one of those omake chapters - you know, the ones kind of at the end of the normal chapters? Anyways, there was the cutest picture I've ever seen of my sisters, they were both curled up in a bed and each of them was cuddling a plushy. The caption was 'bedtime at Fourth Division, part 1.'
I miss those munchkins. I don't want to involve them in my problems, but I would like to see my little sisters.
Wonder if Dad has begun their Bankai training yet?
I worry about Yuzu. She's not very fierce, you know, and sometimes-
It should be okay. Ikkaku and Yumichika would have put the word out to Eleventh to leave this particular medic alone. Captain Unohana would never let anything happen to Yuzu...
Fourth division will be good for her. She's probably drinking tea with the captain right now.
[******]
Ikkaku shut the door to Yumichika's office, where the fifth seat was diligently completing a report for the captain.
"Matsumoto knows."
Yumichika looked up, his expression stunned, horrified and altogether sick. "You're kidding."
"No."
"What are we going to do?"
"I haven't decided. I don't think she'd blab on purpose but if she gets drunk with Captain Ukitake or Hisagi we're going to have a problem."
"What can we do?"
Ikkaku's polished head gleamed. "We need to eliminate the threat.
Yumichika's jaw dropped. "You're not serious!"
"It's all I've got right now."
"You want the pair of us, you and I, to-"
"I don't like it any more than you do."
"Ikkaku, think of what you're proposing!"
"Yumichika, our hands are tied. It's Ichigo or Matsumoto."
Yumichika shuddered at the possibility, it took two attempts before he could even verbalize it.
"You're actually suggesting becoming Matsumoto's exclusive drinking buddies? We'll die! Even the captain can't drink that much every night! The strain - we'll be dead before the end of the month!"
"We're already dead."
"Way to point out the technicality, Madarame-san, but the fact of the matter is you're suggesting nightly benders we can't sustain. Rangiku-san is a bridge too far. Maybe she's a lot of bridges too far!"
"Well do you have a better plan?"
"You're the master prankster. Don't you?"
"Of course I don't! Matsumoto is a loose cannon to begin with and she loves to talk! I can't see her hunting down Soi Fon to tell but the eighth and thirteenth captains will find out before the week is up! What if our captain finds out?"
Both men steeled themselves in the silence that followed. It would have been a perfect moment for Zaraki to walk in and say "What if our captain finds out what?"
Fortunately he didn't.
"She said she wouldn't tell," said Ikkaku.
"We have to accept her at her word."
"Should we tell him?"
"He already knows. Apparently she walked in on him when he was buying skivvies for Rukia."
"Damn," swore Yumichika.
"What's with that?" Ikkaku pointed at the desk, where a large box sat. Three more were lined up against the wall.
"I'm going hunting this afternoon," replied Yumichika.
Ikkaku grinned his fox grin. "Finally decided to do something about Yuzu?"
Yumichika merely sniffed. "I've given orders."
Ikkaku laughed.
It was a very evil laugh.
[---------]
Nimble Yuzu flashed through the eleventh headquarters. They were after her, big burly men of bad intent! She had to get away!
They'd been plotting against her. First her Zanpakuto had been pilfered, and at breakfast in the divisional commissary everyone had grinned at her, then she'd gone back to her room to discover everything pink had disappeared from her drawer–
"There she is!"
"Get her!"
"Noooo!"
Yuzu raised her hands to blast with kido-
-and stopped.
Yumicha had flashstepped between her and the men. He crooned to her.
"Come to me, little one..."
There was something almost hypnotic in his eyes–
[--------------]
Let's see, what do we have in this weeks Tatsuki Shoujo? Turn to page one -
Ah - here's Tatsuki - Whoa, looks like they've finally got Tatsuki noticing someone, and it's a girl.
Tatsuki won't like that at all, methinks.
We don't get a look at the the object of affection's face, only see that she's got a pretty smokin' body.
Nope, Tatsuki ain't going to like this at all. Sigh. Tragic, isn't it?
Page two, here's Tatsuki lounging in the bath. Lots of obscuring steam, that's handy. She's got some of her little fans with her, and they're talking about the tournament.
Did I mention that last year? Probably not, I wasn't in it.
There's no way the real Tatsuki is sitting it out, that's basically obvious, so the artist has taken advantage of that to imply that Tatsuki will use her awesome performance to woo the girl with the excellent knockers.
I'm assuming that the girl with the excellent knockers is actually the artist here. Flipped back to page one for a moment - usually I don't really bother with the text, but this issue was titled 'The Burning'. I'm thinking, Tatsuki has chlamydia? Admittedly it couldn't happen to a nicer girl, but-
Page three is the start of a training montage - hey, that's me! Hot damn they've made me a bishounen! I'm a bishounen! I mean, I knew I was awesome before, but now I can add great looks to the package!
Here - Tatsuki leaves the campus and meets Kurosaki Ichigo in the forest, he gives her a mighty hug, lifting the slim and chaste girl off the ground. Her arms are around him, she even has one pretty leg kicked out behind her a little, hakama falling away to expose slim ankle and delicate foot.
What a pretty picture. My hair is the old way though, how I appear in The Substitute rather than the pony tail thing I've got going on now. Apparently The Substitute (angsty) is living in the wilds or something - actually, that's not a bad guess. The Substitute hasn't ended yet, so they don't know what's happened to me. And the scale is a little off; I'm not actually this much bigger than Tatsuki - It's that scale thing they do in manga to make sure the teenagers look younger than the adults.
I wish it could have been this way. Teaching my friend Tatsuki, in a happy perfect Shoujo Dragon world where I don't have to hide from all the other people who used to call me a friend.
Tch, I'm sounding maudlin again. It makes sense the manga is being vague about me, they don't actually know where I am, I hope.
Maudlin. You know that old saw about having lemons and making lemonade? That's bullshit. Sometimes the lemons are too damn sour, meaning sometimes you just have to bloody well accept that you've lost, that there's nothing to be salvaged and that it's just plain damn time to move on. And I think I've done that. I don't like shitty old over-simplifying proverbs – find the silver lining? Fuck the silver lining, there's nothing in clouds but rain, kids, pointe finale. There's no comfort to be found in old proverbs.
Life is like reading manga I guess. It doesn't matter how good this page was or wasn't, because eventually you've got to turn this page and see what's on the far side. Maybe it will be better, maybe it won't, but time goes on and so will I.
As long as there's ass to kick. And there'll always be ass to kick.
Anyway, next frame is me and Zangetsu up against Tatsuki and Red Dragon. Then a lovely training montage, and another chaste embrace of almighty substitute shinigami and delicate dragon princess.
This really doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? Like I'd like Tatsuki get her arms around my neck even with mine around her ribs. What's-
Oh my God they've got Renji and Ikkaku in Tatsuki Shoujo. They've also been drawn as bloody bishounen, all tall and handsome and proud. Who the hell is drawing this?
I'm going to photocopy this and send them copies. The guys need to see this - Ikkaku will be down here looking for blood. Poor Yumi will die laughing.
I almost wish I could show Byakuya. One look at Renji the bishounen would crack Byakuya's stoic mask – there are few more glorious sights in existence then Kuchiki Byakuya in the middle of a heartfelt laugh, and this would get one from him.
What a superb publication.
Hey, what's this here? A picture of me, but with sort of a white overcoat that looks a little like a captain's Haori.
Get real kids.
[-------------]
Yuzu looked worried, frightened even as the fifth seat advanced on her.
"Relax Yuzu. This won't hurt at all."
She quavered at the disturbing warmth in his voice, felt very small. "W-what are you going to do to me?"
Yumichika smiled, held up a make-up case and a box of beauty supplies.
"What are you going to do with those?"
"Just come to my office, little one," crooned the fifth seat. "It won't hurt a bit."
Speaking of dojinshi, I discovered the academy has also spawned a dojinshi circle dedicated to The Substitute. God, what a nightmare. The circle has to keep itself extremely quiet, I have no idea who any of them are, but there's now more of The Substitute around then you can shake a stick at. Here's Ichigo enjoying babysitting antics, there's Ichigo joining a Host club (set at the academy, which is worrisome given that I live at the academy. Over that way Ichigo and a bunch of OCs (I think that stands for 'Original Characters,' but I'm not sure) are taking on a group of giant killer space robots. It seems like Ichigo has every weird hobby in the world, but at least he's usually in good company. The one I like best is the one with the kids in the feudal era. I don't understand why me and the other guy both have dog ears though.
Thankfully only the host club one is set at the academy. The last thing I need is Ichigo goes back to school. Also, they have these things called Mary Sues that are the most annoying thing you've ever seen. I've fought and bled for the power I've amassed. To see some – some character just – just appear with better skills then I've got –
Anyway...
I guess I should say a few words about my newest protege, n'est pas?
Kaede, what to say about Kaede?
She's something special, very special. I wish I could describe her personality. About the best I can do (and this with second hand information from Orihime, back when she was still... Orihime) is a cross between the Arancar Harribel and the Arancar Sun Sun, except that she has a sense of humor.
There, how's that for a description?
She's about as tall as I am, very, very beautiful and she is possessed of epic breasts. I can only assume that she's not writing dojinshi/lusting after Tatsuki in her spare time, mostly because I can't see Kaede working in the background. I think she's more the "your presence is required in my bed" type.
Noble to the tips of her toes, and also possessed of a strange and understated sense of humor. Spirit pressure has been bred into her bones, she was born in the Seireitei. Wears white or near-white for preference, had enormous gray eyes, which I assume is a Kuchiki thing, at least assuming the Kuchiki stoop to breeding with their branch house.
And she's very, very good. Almost a match for Fumiko with a sword, though a completely different style. Not in Tatsuki's league at hand to hand, but she has to be better than nine out of ten other students. Some sort of family style, mostly defensive. And Kido? She lives up to her promise to me, she's going to be the next Nanao. Kaede's kido is better than Fumiko's sword fighting, it's almost on a par with Tatsuki's hand to hand combat.
Which is almost (but not quite) as good as mine. Granted she's got nothing like Tatsuki's real experience, but Kaede might one day be the most dangerous of the three.
Interesting comparison, actually, to Nanao. I would have thought she'd compare herself to Momo just because everyone thinks of Momo first. To me that's ridiculous; Momo is half a kido master only. Don't get me wrong, she's an absolute virtuoso, maybe the best I've ever seen, but her actual attacks have no power behind them. I'll admit her black coffin cut up my clothes but realistically it didn't even scratch me.
Long story, it was an accident. My point is I can actually feel Nanao's kido. I got caught in one of her flying thunder cannon thingamajigs once and I noticed it.
Anyway, Kaede claims to be totally dedicated to keeping my secret. She's careful about approaching me, certainly.
I just wish I could keep up with her sense of humor.
They say some animals can smell weakness. I think I trust Kaede, obviously not as implicitly as she seems to feel entitled to. I just don't ever want to be in a position of less than total confidence in front of her. As long as I've got something she wants I have a hold on her.
Know something? That just occurred to me. I've got some minimal hold on her, and Tatsuki and Fumiko too. As long as I've got something they want I've got some slight degree of control.
Something to keep in mind.
The problem with having three proteges I've got a lot fewer free evenings. I'm working on a rolling schedule, every third night I take one of them off to the woods to educate. I've had one or two close calls so far, but I use three separate clearings just to make sure they don't bump into each other. I also make them travel Kurosaki airlines as an extra level of protection. Even Kaede slipped up enough to be visibly impressed the first time I went to warp.
Tatsuki always squats on my back. Fumiko insists on being carried bridal style. I try to make sure I don't make eye contact, because she's always looking into my face. Kaede sits Seiza on my back, damned if I know how she keeps her balance.
And that damn hollow just makes jokes about me being the horse and saying he'd have beaten me in a flash if he had a pair of tits. I told him to get implants but it didn't make him go away.
Bastard.