HALF-LIVES

CHAPTER 3

The mess hall was nearly empty, the lights turned way down so that only the food tables were clearly lit. It was just the way he'd hoped it would be. He grabbed an empty cup from a table, then filled it with hot, black coffee and sat in a corner of the room, his hands wrapped around the cup. He stared off into nowhere, letting his myriad of thoughts take over for a while. He watched a few people enter the room even as a few others left, seeing them not as solid shapes, but more like shadows passing by him.

He took a swig of his coffee, then set the cup down on the table before him as a strange, hollow feeling overtook him. He crossed his arms on the table and rested his head in them, trying to understand the sudden surge of emotions that threatened to overtake him. He hadn't felt this alone since his mother had died, when he was a child. Back then, he had a treehouse to escape to, but there was nowhere for him to hide now. Not for long, anyway.

His throat suddenly felt tight, and his eyes burned so much that he rubbed them against his forearm, just then noticing that he'd left a trail of moisture on his skin. Come on, he scolded himself, though oddly enough, it was not his own voice that he heard in his head, but his father's; toughen up.

"Shut up!" he hissed aloud at himself, suddenly not caring if anyone heard him. He'd always been taught that there was no room for emotions in a man's heart and mind. But then, why was his body rebelling against it? Burying his head deeper in his arms, he stopped fighting his fear and sadness, and soon heard his own sobs as they wracked his chest, let loose after so many years. Hot tears dripped from his eyes and down his nose, to pool on the cold, hard tabletop, until he had to lift his head a little so he didn't feel as if he were drowning.

He'd failed her. He'd failed everyone. He was the reverse of King Midas; instead of everything turning to gold when he touched it, it turned to dust. He suddenly felt unworthy of anyone's friendship, much less of anyone's love. He rocked back and forth, as if in great physical pain, silently cursing his father for everything he'd done, as well as his mother for leaving him.

"John," a voice called softly from beside him, and a gentle hand rested on his quivering shoulder. He knew it was her without even looking, and he was embarrassed to let her see him like this. But it was too late for that; she was there.

Teyla was concerned. She had never seen Sheppard like this, and to be honest, it frightened her. Slowly, afraid he would pull away, she slipped her arm around his shoulders and gently pulled him closer to her. He didn't move away, in fact, he lifted his left arm from the table and wrapped it around her waist, using his right hand to wipe his eyes.

"Are you all right, John?" Teyla asked him, and he nodded at first. Then, another wave hit him, and he shook his head.

"I'm so sorry, Teyla," he gasped out.

She squeezed him once, and then crouched down so she could look into his eyes. The sadness she saw there broke her heart. "John," she scolded lightly, "it is not your fault."

"It's not about Kanaan," he replied, though in part, it was. He heaved in a sigh before he continued, "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you the past year. I was just so upset and afraid for you and Torren."

"But we have talked about this. All was forgiven long ago."

He sniffed, and rubbed his hand over his face. "By you, maybe. But I haven't forgiven myself."

Teyla looked at him, her surprise shown clear in her eyes. After a moment, she stood, and held out her hand. Sheppard stared up at her, confused, until she smiled.

"Perhaps this is not the best place to talk about this," she explained, and he nodded. Taking her hand, he rose from his chair to stand beside her.

"Where should we go?" He asked.

She thought about it for a moment. "I really should relieve Rodney from watching Torren. My quarters?"

Sheppard agreed tentatively, and they made their way through the long corridors of Atlantis together, until they reached Teyla's room. She waved her hand over the control beside the door, and it slid open. They stepped over the threshold, and saw the reason it was so quiet inside; Torren was sleeping peacefully in his cradle, and Rodney was sprawled across the nearby couch, also asleep. Teyla cast a smiling glance back at Sheppard, and then stepped over to Rodney. She leaned down and placed her hand on his arm, gently shaking him awake.

"Rodney," she whispered, and he lazily opened his eyes, not wanting to leave the peaceful dream he'd been having. It involved Carter, and a huge field of grass. And that was all he would tell Sheppard later, in the rec room.

"What is it?" he mumbled, ready to fall asleep again at a moment's notice. When he happened to catch sight of Sheppard, however, he suddenly snapped fully awake, and sat up. "Oh, I must've drifted off. Is Torren okay? I knew I shouldn't have lay down, but I was so tired…"

"Rodney, it's okay," Sheppard interrupted him. "Go on back to your room and go to bed."

"Thank you for watching Torren," Teyla chimed in, and Rodney waved dismissively. In doing so, he was unable to cover the yawn that escaped him.

"It's no problem. Anytime," he said, and walked to the door. He stood there, in front of the closed door, for a full minute until Sheppard waved his hand in front of the controls. Rodney glanced back, embarrassed, and then said, "Oh yeah. Thanks. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Teyla and Sheppard said in unison, as the door closed behind him.

Glad that they were alone once again, Teyla sighed and sank down onto the couch, slipping off her shoes and pulling her legs up under her. She gestured for Sheppard to sit down, but he hesitated.

"Please?" she said, again holding out her hand to him.

Wearily rubbing his hand through his hair, he finally relented and took her hand, letting her pull him down beside her. At first, he only stared straight ahead as he struggled to put into words what he was feeling. When he realized it was a futile attempt, he turned and just gazed at her, a small shrug lifting his shoulders.

Though she wasn't used to anyone staring at her for so long without saying anything, it didn't make her uncomfortable. The look in his eyes only made her want to cry; he looked so defeated, so tired. She knew then, that no matter what she said to try and comfort him, it would do no good. He'd been fighting the world, and everything within him, for so long, that she was afraid he'd now given up.

Be cautious, she told herself. Saying the wrong thing now could make him withdraw even farther into himself, and that could be dangerous.

Heeding her own advice, she quietly said, "John, I want to thank you."

"For what?"

"For always being there for me when I needed you."

He scoffed at that. "That's just it. I wasn't there. Not when you were giving birth to Torren. And now, I screwed up and got Kanaan killed."

She was becoming frustrated with him, but she controlled herself and replied, "Neither of those things were your fault, and you know it." She shifted closer to him, and placed her hand over his. "You must stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens."

Sheppard closed his eyes, fighting the familiar sick feeling in his gut. "Why not?" he asked her, "my father did."

Teyla felt his words dig into her heart again, like tiny ice crystals piercing her very soul. Unsure of what to say, she merely reached up and ran her hand through his soft hair, and he turned to face her, confused by her actions. He knew that she loved him as a sister did a brother, but was there something else there, hidden in her gaze? He couldn't be sure, and he couldn't bring himself to ask. Not so soon after…after Kanaan died, the stubborn side of his mind completed for him.

"I dunno," he finally mumbled, resting his head against the back of the couch. "I'm just so tired."

Feigning innocence at his statement, she nodded. "We are all short on sleep these days."

Sheppard chuckled for the first time in a few days, at least. "Not exactly what I meant, but thanks for the sympathy."

She grinned and patted his arm, as he sighed deeply. "I've always been the strong, take-no-bull-from- anyone kind of guy, you know? But it all eats at me every day, and especially at night. I haven't slept right for months. I just wanna sleep, Teyla. I'm sick of feeling so empty inside all the time."

With tears bright in her eyes, she nodded again. "I know."

Suddenly, Sheppard realized what he must be putting her through, making her listen to his problems even while her former lover lay still in the infirmary, his life snuffed out too soon. How could she simply sit there, crying for Sheppard's pain, and let him ignore hers? Angry at himself for being so selfish, he started to slide off the couch. Teyla grabbed his wrist before he could stand up.

"Where are you going?" She asked him, letting a lone tear slide down her tanned cheek. Her stomach dropped into her feet, and she could feel panic settling in. Why should I panic? She asked herself, even as she pulled harder on his wrist; was she afraid to be alone? Or, was she really afraid to leave him alone, because he might do something to harm himself?

"I shouldn't be doing this to you," he explained, using his other hand to gently pry her hand from his arm. "You have enough to deal with. You don't need my problems."

Frustrated, she stood up and crossed her arms, her cheeks reddened slightly. "What if I want them?"

He raised his eyebrows at her. "What?"

"It is your unwillingness to let others in that has kept you so…conflicted…for so long. If you leave now, then nothing will change." He stood then as well, and she stepped closer to him, her arms still crossed as if to protect herself. "Why will you not let me help you, as you have helped me?"

Remembering that Torren was asleep nearby, he hissed, "Because you can't."

"Why not?" Teyla hissed back, her dark eyes intense.

Angry and exhausted, Sheppard finally reached the point where his mind actually stopped working, and he simply repeated the motto his father had instilled in him years ago. "Because I am a man, and men aren't supposed to have feelings!"

Teyla glared at him for a moment, as if she were making sure she had heard him correctly. Then, she merely nodded slowly.

"If that is true," she replied quietly, "then why are you angry?"

He blinked, puzzled. "Teyla, what the hell are you talking about?"

She shrugged. "Is anger not a 'feeling'?"

"Well, yes, but I don't see what that has to do…"

Teyla stopped him with a hand on the side of his face. "If it were true that men should not have feelings, then men would be nothing more than…" she struggled to find a word to fit.

"Robots?" He offered, and she nodded, deciding that his description would suffice.

"Emotions are something we humans have, that many other beings do not share with us. They make us special."

He nodded slowly, and without another word, she let her hand fall from his face and walked over to Torren's cradle, peering down lovingly at her son.

Unsure of what to do or say next, Sheppard stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels, watching her tenderly caress her baby's sleeping face. He'd always been fascinated with her strong, slender body, at her inherent grace and beauty; but now, as he watched her with her baby, he was truly in awe of her. He'd wanted to tell her as much for some time, but it just never seemed like the appropriate thing to do. So, he was forced to stand by as she lived her life, first with Torren and later with Kanaan. Every day, it got harder, but, he reasoned with himself, it was his own stupid fault. He'd let her slip away.

"John?" Teyla's voice broke him out of his thoughts, and he cocked an eyebrow at her to show that he'd heard her.

"Hmm?" he added, in case she hadn't been looking.

"I…could you…"

He saw the way she was gasping for breath, her knuckles white from gripping the side of the baby's crib, and rushed to stand beside her. He took her by the elbow, supporting her weight, and led her toward the couch.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, concern quickly furrowing his brow. She tried to speak, but the pain she was feeling doubled her over, and she could only shake her head.

"Hang on," he said, then quickly tapped at his earpiece. "Dr. Keller? I need you in Teyla's quarters. It's an emergency."

Teyla's eyes fluttered open, but she had to close them again when a bright light shone directly into her face. She groaned softly, and a dark shadow temporarily blocked the light, just enough so she could open her eyes. A warm hand covered her own, the fingertips lightly brushing her skin.

"Hey. How you doin'?" The shadow asked, and she managed a small grin.

"I am all right, John. What happened?"

"Well, Dr. Keller's working on the answer for that right now. All I know is, you passed out before I could get you on your couch."

Dr. Keller appeared on the other side of the bed then, and smiled down at her. "He carried you all the way down here, you know."

Teyla smiled back, though she mentally kicked her own body for being so weak. "Another event he will not soon let me forget." Then, she raised her head and looked around frantically, "Where is Torren?"

She tried to slide out of the bed, but Sheppard gently pushed her back down by the shoulder. "Settle down, Momma Bear. Colonel Carter is taking a turn with him, until the Doc releases you."

Teyla lay there, staring up at him, and then nodded. "All right."

"What's the story here, Doc?" he asked Keller then, as he tried in vain to find something to lean against. Defeated, he crossed his arms instead.

Doctor Keller glanced down at her tablet, then back up at him. "So far, everything looks normal. I don't see anything that would've caused the intense pain you seemed to experience. I'm guessing that your losing consciousness was due to that sudden pain, and not anything neurological. It's so odd."

"English, please," Sheppard reminded her, and she chuckled as she patted Teyla's arm.

"Just take it easy for a few days. Let anyone who asks help with the baby, and relax. I'll want to see you after then to follow up, okay?"

"Thank you, Dr. Keller," Teyla replied, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from her.

"No problem," she said, and after a quick nod to Sheppard, she made her way into her office.

"Come on," Sheppard urged then, holding out his hand for her, "Let's get you to bed."

"That is a wonderful idea," Teyla agreed. She swung her legs over the side of the infirmary bed, then took his hand and stood up slowly, giving her limbs time to remember what they were supposed to do. When she was ready, she gave him a nod, and he silently led her back to her room, never once letting go of her hand.

She smiled inwardly at the proud look he carried on his face, as if he were a humble stable-boy escorting a princess. He really was a handsome man, she thought often; it wasn't fair that he had so many ghosts in his head, nor was it fair that it was his own father who had put them there. There were so many voices for him to listen to in there, that he often forgot that his was there, as well.

Too soon, they had arrived at her quarters, and he bowed slightly as he opened the door for her.

"There you are, Madame. Sleep well," he drawled in his best English accent, and she laughed aloud.

"Thank you, kind sir. And you as well."

He stood there before her for a moment, as if he were deciding on something. Then, so slowly it appeared as if he was in a slow-motion scene in one of his beloved action movies, he leaned down and gently brushed his lips against her forehead. Then, he winked at her and walked back down the hall to his own room, without uttering another word.

She watched him go, her mind desperately trying to think of a reason to call him back, but nothing would come. She saw him disappear around a corner, and slid around the door frame into her room, never wanting to forget the feel of his lips on her skin.

Rodney McKay sat in his lab, peering wearily at his computer screen. A few minor issues had arisen recently with the ventilation system, and he was trying to fix them; so far he'd met with little success. He'd been sitting at his station for a tad over five hours, and had accomplished mostly nothing.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, he slid off his chair and headed for his coffee pot. He lifted it and went to pour himself a cup without even looking at it, at least not until he realized that the pot was empty.

"What?" he asked aloud. He was sure it had been half-full the last time he'd gone for a cup.

Zelenka walked into the room just then, and noticed the puzzled look on his friend's face. Grinning, he went over to Rodney and patted his shoulder.

"Still working, eh?"

Rodney set the pot back into the coffeemaker, and began to prepare a new pot for himself as he replied, "Yes, of course I am. I have to get ventilation working properly as soon as possible. It's kind of important."

"Would you like me to help?" Zelenka asked, already knowing Rodney's answer. McKay rather preferred working alone. Most likely so he can gain all the credit when something is fixed, Zelenka grouched inwardly. Rodney might be brilliant, but sometimes his ego was much too big for his body.

"Thank you, but no," Rodney replied, and Zelenka nodded, his prediction fulfilled. "I can fix it, I just need more time to figure out what the problem is."

"All right. I'll be downstairs if you change your mind."

Too busy watching his precious coffee brewing, Rodney merely waved his hand and said, "Hmm? Oh, okay. Sure."

With a small chuckle, Zelenka left the room, and Rodney sighed again. The pot was taking too long to fill up, so he quickly pulled it out and poured what was already inside into his cup, then slid it back into the maker to finish brewing. He took a sip of the black liquid, enjoying the bitter-nutty flavor, and stepped back over to his workstation. His satisfied grin quickly turned into a frown when he glanced at his computer screen.

"Simulation failed? Aw, come on!"

Setting his coffee cup down nearby, he rubbed a hand over his face, then got back to work.

TBC...

Notes: Don't worry, Rodney will get plenty more time in the story as it goes on. After Shep, he's my fav. character...he's kinda got my sense of humor, so...yeah. Hope you're liking it so far!