Chapter 1: I've Got Troubled Thoughts
Jim couldn't breathe.
He desperately gasps; trying to draw oxygen into is lungs. Jim thinks that Bones is trying to say something but he just can't bring himself to listen. His vision begins to blur and he could feel a phantom film of wetness gather at the corner of his eyes, but he refuses to admit he is going to cry.
He sways a bit on his feet and almost immediately Spock's hands try to steady him. His head is pounding with every beat of the avatar's heart. The quick beats coming from his left side are disconcerting.
"Jim! Jim, you have to calm down! If you don't your psi abilities will—shit!" panicked McCoy, waving his tricorder quickly across the captain, "he's startin' to hyperventilate!" Jim let out a strangled gargle and latches onto the nearest thing.
Spock draws in a sharp gasp as Kirk's hand landed on the junction of his shoulders and neck. Anymore pressure and Kirk would have either nerve pinched him or broken his neck. Instead Spock experiences something more disturbing.
Kirk's tight hold on him caused a light mind link. Usually this would not have been a problem to the more experienced telepath but the uncontrolled desperation in Kirk over threw Spock's shields.
McCoy realizes that the situation is quickly growing out of hand. Jim is quite possibly going into shock and now Spock is following after with a telepathic one. He kicks himself mentally for thinking Jim would be in the right state of mind to see his dead body after such a stressful mission. Actually he kicks himself to think it was okay to show any disembodied person their dead body. Jim might have been crazy, but he is not suicidal, this is definitely not what he wanted.
"Chapel! Prepare two biobeds!" shouts McCoy as he slams a hypo filled with a strong sedative into Jim's neck.
Jim's wild eyes roll to the back of his head and fell limp. Before he could hit the ground, a very dazed Spock grabs the Captain's prone body.
"Are you okay you Green-Blooded Elf?"
"Quite, Doctor. I did not expect the Captain to initiate a meld," gasps Spock, still dizzy from the unexpected psi attack.
"Hand Jim over Spock, you look like you're about to pass out, too," grumbled McCoy.
"No need Doctor. While I am affected, the Captain's Vulcan body will be much too heavy for you to lift," replies Spock.
McCoy looks at Spock warily. "Alright Spock, carry Jim to that biobed and then you lay down, ya hear?"
Without saying another word, Spock lifts Jim into his arms gently and walked stiffly over to Nurse Chapel. He crosses the bay with barely a stagger and lowers his captain slowly onto the bed in hopes to not wake him. After he finishes his delicate task, he promptly sat himself onto the next bed and closes his eyes, fully intending to meditate. Jim always did have a fascinating ability to break through his mental barriers.
Jim felt himself returning to consciousness, but he couldn't quite bring himself to open his eyes.
He just could not believe it. How could something like that have happened? He had the best medical and science team in the Fleet. They should have been able to keep his body alive for years.
"Jim, I know you are awake." Of course Bones would know exactly when he wakes up.
"We need to talk, I am sure you have questions," continued Bones in an unusually soft voice.
Jim grimaces, his whole face distorting and the Vulcan features looked distinctly human for a minute. Not that he could see. Opening his eyes, his face became icily Vulcan once more. Jim sat up and looked towards his best friend, First Officer, and Head Nurse Chapel.
"How?" he finally chokes out after a few tense minutes. McCoy and Spock looked at each other, silent communication flowing between the two. Jim was starting to hate silence.
"Captain," began Spock, "roughly two months and one week into your away mission on New Vulcan, Klingons appeared in Federation space and started harassing several Federation planets in this quadrant. As the flagship, the Enterprise was required to lead three other ships in retaliation on such attacks, regardless of her captain's absence.
"During the battle, the Enterprise's shields fell to dangerous levels. With such an injury to our systems, the Klingons fired all main weapons onto the Enterprise. Specifically, the Medical Bay. Such an attack was unexpected."
"But we should have predicted something like that anyways. We were lucky to survive the attack, Jim," continues McCoy, "but the Medbay was damaged critically and by the time we managed to transfer your body to the USS Endeavor, it was too late."
Jim glances away from his friends. "I see. I…understand."
The four sat in the bay in complete silence, only the rhythmic beeping of medical equipment breaking the contemplative silence.
Jim finally looks back at his friends and clears his throat. "I guess sitting here for the rest of my life is not the answer. No matter what, I am still captain of the Enterprise, one little set back is not going to stop me. I'm James T. Kirk and JTK is unstoppable." He shoots them a painfully wide grin, totally out of place on a Vulcan face.
McCoy flinches slightly, hardly noticeable but Jim sees.
"If you need any assistance, Captain, I would be grateful to help," states Spock in an almost shy tone. Jim looks at the Vulcan, the painful grin gentling into something almost real.
"Thank you, Mr. Spock, I might take you up on that," he doesn't know if he means it, but he thinks he appreciates the thought.
"Sure you are okay Jim?" questions McCoy hesitantly, full of self blame.
"Yeah, I'm fine," replies Jim hoping to ease his friend's guilt.
Chapel, who had been silent throughout the whole conversation, went to lay a comforting hand on the Captain's shoulder but decided last second to pull him into a tight hug. Jim hugs back just as tight after a few seconds. He should be thankful for such a caring crew, but right now, he feels numb like a true Vulcan.
He is not fine. Not by any of its various definitions. He might also just be in denial but he is fine with it for now. Denial seems like a good place to be.