A/N: First and foremost thank you to those who took the time to review, reviews are important to Authors for many reasons, first and foremost they let us know what you like and dislike about the story which helps us to gauge how you will react to upcoming chapters and helps us in the editing process. We would also like to thank those of you who have added this story to your favourites/alerts lists.
Renee, Charlie and Jakes profiles will be up on our blog later today as will be the links to the locations where this chapter is set. Make sure you check them out. A link to our blog can be found on our profile pages.
Greenaway: And to whoever owns Vogel's Bread..... I love you.
Disclaimer: S Meyer owns Twilight, Greenaway & myself own An Angel at my Table...SJD own 'beautiful haze, the Cure own 'boys don't cry.' Sublime own 'Smoke Two Joints.'
Chapter 3: Consequence...
I sighed in frustration when I woke up touching myself, and I whispered Edward's name as I brought myself to my climax. This was definitely not helping me purge Edward from my system. I rolled out of bed and hurried for the shower.
I had to get organised, I was flying up to Tauranga with Rose and Alice to spend Christmas in the sunny bay of plenty. I hadn't even begun packing, but I wasn't too worried about it, I knew Alice would do it for me when she arrived.
I took my coffee and went to sit at the dining room table, the bright red courier envelope sitting there caught my eye, I tore it opened and my breath caught when I recognised the expensive monogrammed stationary used by Cullen Industries.
I read the letter of recommendation signed by Carlisle in surprise, I wasn't expecting him to give me a glowing reference however I was more shocked when I saw the cheque made out to me for two hundred thousand dollars.
Hush money I guessed, but I wasn't about to complain even though I knew it was only petty cash to Cullen Industries I felt it was a small victory, Carlisle knew I would have had a personal grievance and sexual harassment case against the company should I wish to pursue it. Which I had no intention of doing.
I read the accompanying letter with a grimace, it stated confidentiality and by accepting the money I was agreeing to take no action against Edward or the company blah, blah, blah. I screwed up the letter and tossed it over my shoulder, the cheque and recommendation letter went into my safe.
At least I wouldn't need to rush to find another job, though I planned to anyway, I hated being idle.
~~~~XXXX~~~~~
I felt myself relaxing as we touched down at the tiny airport, I could see Renee and Charlie waiting for us in the outside waiting area. We disembarked and walked across the tarmac and straight into Renee's waiting arms.
"Oh girls, it's so nice to have you here. You all look so well, except Bella what have you done to yourself dear?"
"I tripped over the coffee table." I was surprised at how easy the lie came, and I was even more surprised at the absence of my blush, something that would have normally have help to out me in the lie
"Honestly Bella you are the clumsiest girl I've ever met."
I smiled as we drove down Marine Parade and I saw the bright red flowers of the pohutakawa trees that were dotted along the coastline. I loved Christmas in New Zealand it was summer time so Christmas day was spent on the pristine white sands of the beach getting a tan and indulging in the wide range of water sports that were on offer.
I let myself wonder briefly what Edward was doing for Christmas, spending it under the thumb of daddy Carlisle I suspected. Rose had told me that Carlisle was banishing Edward to France to head up some new office over there. I felt a little saddened that Edward wouldn't be calling New Zealand home anymore, though I was secretly glad to see he never got off Scot free.
I loved Charlie and Renee's beach front apartment it was the best retirement investment they had made. It took the glowing white sand and the sparkling blue green Pacific Ocean, not to mention gorgeous views of Mt Maunganui.
Renee was talking nonstop telling us all about her Yoga Guru, book club, art lessons and walking group, she then proceeded to demand every minute detail of our lives in Wellington. I kept silent as Rose then Alice told Renee limited details of their lives.
They were sworn to secrecy on my being fired.
"So Bella, how's things at Cullen Industries, I hope Edward's treating you well?" My throat constricted at the mention of Edward's name and tears pricked my eyes.
I shot a warning glance at Alice and Rose and cleared my throat, "Actually Mum due to restructuring within the company I got made redundant. Edward is going to be working in France." I hoped Renee wouldn't notice how my voice shook.
She didn't seem to, she was too shocked, "You lost your job, couldn't Carlisle transfer you to a new department? I mean you've worked there since you left school."
"There were no openings." I said simply and stared out the car window at the ocean so I could avoid Renee's gaze.
"Even so Bella I'm shocked that Carlisle would show you such disloyalty to you after all these years. It's disgusting and right on Christmas. What are you going to do now sweetie?"
"I'm going to look for another job. I got a letter of recommendation and a redundancy package, so I've got time to find something else.
"Still they should have kept you."
"It's all good Mum. It's time for a change anyway."
~~~~XXXX~~~~
Christmas day passed in a flurry of food, presents and festivities, well festivities for everyone else. My recent drowning of my sorrows had poisoned me and I gagged every time I tried to enjoy a tipple.
I vented my frustration to Alice and Rose, "how the fuck am I going to drown out the horror that is my life on New Year's Eve if I can't even stomach a couple of mouthfuls of alcohol?" Rose and Alice giggled and I sighed deeply. We were alone on the deck enjoying the summer sun, Rose and Alice were both sporting hangovers and sadly I was jealous.
We discussed our plans for New Years Eve and decided to spend it in a bar called the Astrolabe in a small but crowded part of town. The place was packed due to the fact New Zealand cult band Blindspott were playing a gig there.
I was determined to force a couple of drinks down myself but I only managed a couple of mouthfuls of my vodka before I was starting to feel queasy. I was about to throw a hissy fit when the band struck up the first song and Alice was dragging me onto the dance floor.
I instantly got into the music and it felt great to finally just let go of all the turmoil in my life and enjoy the pulsating music as it vibrated through the floor. They had just started up 'mind dependency' when I felt a pair of arms encircle my waist and the hard contours of some ones chest pressing into my back.
I spun around and found myself in the embrace of a gorgeous young Maori guy who looked about eighteen. He had beautiful smooth coffee coloured skin and warm brown eyes his jet black hair fell in ringlets down his back.
"Hi I'm Jacob, but most people call me Jake." He smiled widely revealing a set of ultra white teeth that gleamed against his dark skin.
"Bella," I smiled shyly as he began to sway us in time with the music.
"So Bella do you live around here or are you just here to enjoy the good times in the fabulous Bay of Plenty?"
I knew exactly what Jake was getting at. For years Mount Maunganui, the usually sleepy seaside town came alive over the summer months as tens of thousands of New Zealanders flocked to its sunny shores in search of good times.
"I'm here from Wellington with my sisters to spend the holidays with my parents. How about you do you live around here?" I asked politely.
"I live here with my Dad and my grandmother, but I'm starting at Victoria University in February."
"Really, what are you studying?"
"Ecology and Biodiversity and Maori studies, so how about you what do you do in Wellington?"
"I've just given up my job as a P.A. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do next." I grimaced as the image of Edward gripping my legs tightly flashed across my mind.
"Ah well no need to worry about it now, who knows what tomorrow will bring, you know with the New Year and all that... it's the perfect time for new beginnings."
"You know what Jake you're right; it is the perfect time for new beginnings." We carried on dancing until the set was finished then headed for a relatively empty part of the room.
"Do you want a drink Bella?" Jake flashed a quick smile and I felt myself blush.
"Nah I went on a bender the other week and I still haven't recovered properly, should have waited for tonight... but there you go." He laughed loudly and I grimaced.
"How about something a little more medicinal and natural then?" I looked at him for a moment and he smirked.
I took a deep breath, "Yeah why not, I don't usually indulge in pot smoking but since I can't drink and it's the eve of a New Year."
Come on then." He grabbed my hand and pulled me from the crowded bar.
"Where are we going?" I asked as we hit the pavement.
"To the beach," We made our way up the crowded street and cut through a walkway Jake knew of that brought us onto the road that ran parallel to the beach.
There were people everywhere wishing each other a good night as they staggered past.
I loved this time of year when everyone was in a good mood and people were being nice to each other. We made our way down the sand dunes; Jake kept a firm grasp on my hand as we made our way to the shoreline.
He pulled a joint from his pocket and sparked it up, toking deeply before passing it to me. I inhaled deeply holding the burning smoke in my lungs for as long as possible before exhaling slowly.
I felt the effects of the weed immediately and my eyelids grew heavy and drooped and I could feel myself relaxing as all the tension of the last few weeks leaving me. Jake passed me the joint back and I accepted it gratefully, I took a large toke then another before passing the cigarette back to him.
It was so dark on the beach that I could barely see in front of my feet, so I never saw the couple that were making out on the sand until I had tripped over them.
"Fuck, shit I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there." I stammered.
"No worries, happy New Year." Said a deep voice from the darkness.
"Yeah you to," Jake howled with laughter as he reached out to take my hand. I joined in his laughter and soon we were laughing nonstop as we ran along the sand.
"Oh my god I didn't even see them fornicating right there in public." I erupted into a fresh round of giggles, my stomach hurt and my cheeks ached from laughing so hard.
"Yeah I was going to tell them to get a room... but they're probably not old enough." We laughed some more and it felt good. Jacob was so easy going it was hard not to feel at ease around him.
Jacob handed me the joint, "hey I wonder what time it is?" He pulled out his phone and checked the time, "It's a quarter to midnight, come on let's go." He grabbed my hand and we ran toward the sand dunes we scrambled up them and emerged onto the crowded boardwalk.
There were thousands of people everywhere, the road had been cordoned off to traffic and there were three massive truck trailers parked at random intervals, each trailer had a different band playing with thousands of people swaying to their beats.
We joined the crowd dancing in front of the nearest trailer; Jake pulled me into his arms as SJD started strumming the first chords to 'Beautiful Haze.'
We laughed at each other's attempts to sing the lyrics with the band.
It might be nice to smash the state, but it's getting late
And mostly I'm just workin for the man
It might be good to tell the boss I don't give a toss and to stick his lame arse job
But I don't think that I can
I should have told Carlisle to stick his lame arse job before he could fire me.
The universe is mostly fine with me – it seems the only place to be
Wake up from your beautiful haze
There was no way I was in a hurry to wake up from my beautiful haze, Jacob had some awesome weed.
Rise up, smash your beautiful chains, climb out of your beautiful maze
Rise up, rise up
Climb down from your beautiful tower; you know you won't make beautiful remains
All that's left is this beautiful hour
And it's ours, ours
Jacob grinned at me as he sang along to the lyrics.
I sit here listening in five point one
When the working day is done, I look around and it's all good
I nailed my edicts to the lunch room door – make love not war
How ironic it's making love that got me into this war. Internal war that is, between loving and hating Edward.
They say just do it, I just did, and it seemed I really could
Yeah I just did it and it backfired horribly.
I'm just a puny guy on a blue green ball
Got no problem with that thought at all
Yeah I'm just a puny P.A. nowhere near good enough for the perfect Edward Cullen.
Wake up from your beautiful haze
Rise up smash your beautiful chains, climb out of your beautiful maze
Rise up, Rise up
In my stoned and carefree state of mind I decided those words were going to become my mantra for the New Year. I was going to rise up above my recent humiliation and I was going to smash Edward's beautiful chains he had ensnared with and move my life forward in a positive direction.
Climb down from your beautiful tower you know won't make beautiful remains
All that's left is this beautiful hour
And it's ours, ours.
Just then the music stopped and the countdown to New Year had begun, Jake was still holding me in his arms and I was so caught up in counting in the New Year with the thousands of others gathered on the beach that I completely forgot what happens on the stroke of midnight.
"Four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!" Jake pulled me closer into his body and leaned forward bringing his lips to mine.
I completely froze, I wasn't ready for this and I felt confused. His hand twisted into my hair and he pulled me deeper into the kiss. My brain seemed to disengage from my body and I was suddenly responding my lips moved against his warm soft ones.
It was a very sweet kiss but there was not even a hint of a spark and there was certainly no electrical charge, Iike when Edward kissed me. I sighed in frustration when the image of Edward and our kisses flashed through my mind. I was going to have no shot at another relationship if images of Edward flashed up in my mind every time I kissed someone.
I pulled away from Jacob and smiled shyly, his bloodshot eyes stilled sparkled in the light of the street light we were standing under. "Jake I've got the munchies, let's go and get some food." He laughed loudly, his mood jubilant as he grabbed my hand and pulled me along the crowded footpath.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket when I felt it vibrating; I expected it to be Rose or Alice demanding to know where I had disappeared to. I was surprised to see Emmett's name on the caller I.D.
Happy New Years Bells, I hope you're ok. Miss ya Mate, let's catch up soon.
I permitted myself a small smile; at least one Cullen male was loyal to me.
Happy New Year Emmett, I miss you too. I hope you're having a good night.
Jake looked at me curiously as I waited for Emmett's reply.
Nah it sucks, I'm at fucktards going away party. It's like a bloody funeral if it wasn't for the last of my Christmas cheer I think I'd probably throw myself off a bridge to alleviate the boredom.
My breath caught in my throat. So Edward was really leaving and there was absolutely no hope, my secret dream that he would come and find me was nothing but ashes.
Sorry to hear your night sucks but don't jump off a bridge. I wish I had some Christmas cheer right now. How's Jazz?
I was glad to know that Emmett wasn't mad at me, but I knew he wouldn't be, I'd never known Emmett to be mad about anything – except Edward of course. But I had no idea how Jasper had taken my indiscretion.
He's all good. He says hi and told me to say he misses you.
He missed me too that was definitely a good sign. But I wanted to make sure that they really weren't angry.
So you guys aren't mad about what happened?
I stared at the question for a full minute before I pressed send.
Not with you. It was fucktard that blew it not you. And the fuckin idiot knows it.
I wondered what Emmett meant by Edward knowing he blew it.
Tell Jazz Happy New Year and tell fucktard good luck.
I could tell Jake was getting impatient with my lack of attention but I wasn't too worried.
Jazz says happy New Year and hurry up and come back to Wellington, Fucktard says thank you and good luck to you. God he's such a dick head.
Well that was a very dignified response from Edward.
I'll text you when I'm home enjoy the rest of your night xx.
Jake and I reached the burger restaurant and walked through the doors into the brightly lit space, I slid into an empty booth while Jake ordered for us. We ate in silence occasionally snickering at a drunken patron that would complain about the food or slow service.
We headed back to the beach and walked hand in hand back toward Charlie and Renee's apartment, when I pointed out which apartment building was there's he walked me to the entry.
"I had a really good night with you Bella and I'd like to hang out with you more when I get to Wellington, that's if you want to?" Jake ducked his head shyly and he looked so damn adorable.
"I had a really good time with you to Jake and I'd really like you to hang out with you as friends when you move to Wellington." I hoped that he'd picked up on my use of the word friends.
"I'd like to be friends with you Bella." I smiled at him as I got out my cell phone and let him punch in his number; he gave me his phone so I could do the same.
"I'll see you round Jake and thanks again."
"See you Bella." He leaned forward and gave me a gentle kiss and once again Edwards face flashed across my mind.
I pulled away and walked into the building, as I caught the lift up to Charlie and Renee's apartment, I thought back to the kisses Jake and I had shared and compared them to the kisses I shared with Edward, there was no comparison.
My previously good mood evaporated, "I'm doomed to spend life alone. Damn you to the fiery pits of hell Edward Cullen."
~~~~XXXX~~~~
The next four weeks were spent lazing on the beach, enjoying the sunshine and all the opportunities it afforded. We surfed, swam, played beach volleyball and cricket by day and had barbeque dinners that included an abundance of local seafood.
It was with pouting lips that Rose, Alice and I said goodbye to Charlie and Renee at the airport and headed back to Wellington.
I said goodbye to Alice and Rose and headed up to my apartment, though I loved living in the heart of the city I was beginning to have half formed ideas about selling the place and combining the proceeds to my hush money and maybe buying myself a house in the suburbs.
I was just unpacking my toiletries in the bathroom when I came across a small green box; I frowned as I tried to remember back to when I last had a period. My eyes widened in fear when I realised it had been a while, longer than it should have been.
"Oh no, oh fuck…oh shit…please God don't do this to me." If my calculations were right I had missed my last period which should have arrived after I'd hooked up with Edward.
I tore from the room and reached for the phone, I was so glad I had Alice on speed dial.
"Hello."
"Alice, its Bella, can you please come over right now, oh and can you stop at the pharmacy and buy me a pregnancy test."
"Oh fuck Bella…I'll be right over."
"Thanks and please hurry." I was starting to go into a panic the last thing I needed was to be pregnant to a guy who thought I was nothing more than a mistake.
I paced the floor and prayed to every Deity known to mankind not to let me be pregnant with Edward's child. I couldn't stop the hot angry tears that spilled from my eyes, "oh fuck…shit…fuck, hurry up Alice."
I rushed toward the door when I heard the key twist in the lock and moaned in relief when I saw her carrying a plastic bag full of different test kits. Rose followed her in with a sympathetic look on her face.
I looked back at the bag full of pregnancy tests and couldn't help but laugh, "Um…Pixie I'm pretty sure one box of tests would have done the job."
"Well Bella, you can never trust the reliability of these things so I thought if the majority of them come back positive we can safely assume you're pregnant. Now go and fill up on water and get ready to pee."
I rolled my eyes and rushed to the kitchen, I drunk three large glasses of water and waited for my bladder to oblige. I was grateful I didn't have to wait long and I couldn't help but laugh when Alice passed me six tests and made me pee on all of them at once.
"It will save time Bella, unless you want to be up all night drinking water and peeing on sticks." I sighed and nodded my head I couldn't argue with her logic.
I was so nervous I didn't even object to Rose and Alice being with me in the bathroom.
We waited for the indicator strips to either change colour or for lines to appear. Tears sprang to my eyes when the first six tests came back positive. The tears began pouring relentlessly when the second six tests also came back positive and I was sobbing uncontrollably when the last six tests came back positive as well.
"I'm so sorry Bella but I'd say that you are one hundred percent pregnant." Alice's voice rung with sympathy and she put her arms around me and held me close.
I was pregnant with Edward's child, could things get any worse? Please don't answer that god I don't want to know.
Alice and Rose put me to bed and promised they'd stay with me tonight and support me whatever my choice. As soon as they closed the door I broke down and sobbed into my pillow. What the fuck was I going to do?
I cried for what seems like hours before exhaustion got the better of me and sleep finally took me...
Edwards POV...
The next morning greeted me with new perspective. This situation was what it was and I just had to try and make the best of it. I would tie up my life here and pack to start again in fucking France. As I got out of bed and made myself a coffee in the kitchen, I amused (or tortured) myself by thinking of all the things I hated that were French.
Escargot (snails just weren't appetizing: Spin it any way you want it's the truth.), their president (the male fucking version of Paris Hilton. That man should not be allowed to run a country) the Eiffel fucking tower (Overrated. Been there and done that, don't plan on going back.), no more Speight's (oh. Dear. God. They won't sell Speight's? What the fuck was I going to do?).
I took a deep breath and made my way to the lounge and sat down at the coffee table with my laptop. I really didn't have too much to organise, but the most worrying concern for me would be my house here in Wellington and my beach house on Waiheke. Shit, I was going to have to hire a caretaker for Waiheke, I couldn't ask Jazz or Em to keep an eye on it for me. I didn't really want them to know about it, even now with everything that had happened. It was still my little secret and I wanted to keep it that way.
Something caught my attention on the corner of the coffee table and I picked it up sniffing it appreciatively and smiling. Jasper had left me an early Christmas present in the form of a fat vanilla scented blunt. I put the blunt down, deciding I would have it after I had finished, I knew I needed to get this stuff done before I left, it would be almost impossible to do from
France.
I cracked my knuckles and bent over the laptop.
Time to sort my shit out:
Three hours later and I was sitting on my couch with a goofy grin on my face bobbing my head along to Sublime, my laptop still untouched.
Bradley Nowell's voice became floating through the speakers and I could almost see the notes of the music curling with the smoke above my head.
Cool.
I smoke two joints in the morning.
I smoke two joints at night.
I smoke two joints in the afternoon, it makes me feel alright
I smoke two joints in time of peace, and two in time of war
I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints,
And then I smoke two more
I took a big hit off the blunt and blew smoke rings out in front of me. It was really good shit. I hoped I'd remember to thank Jasper.
I was wasted.
Daddy he once told me son you be hard working man
And momma she once told me son you do the best you can
But, then one day I met a man who came to me and said
Hard work good and hard work fine but first take care of head
I finished the blunt and lay back on the couch, flicking the song onto repeat. Yeah, daddy was always fucking telling me to work harder and do better.
Fuck it, just smoke the blunt and think of times of peace man. Mellow dude,
Good advice, good fucking advice.
I finished the blunt and was more stoned than I could remember being in a long time.
I fucking love my brother; I thought as I sat there just blissed the fuck out. I hadn't felt this calm in what felt like a very fucking long time.
I was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
Christmas arrived and that morning I woke up in my old bedroom at my parents house and stared at the roof. It would take all my concentrated effort to keep my smile on my face today, but I would do it for my mother. She loved Christmas and insisted on making a huge production and I could hardly wreck the day she looked forward to most.
I got up and went downstairs to find my Mother in the kitchen whisking eggs and singing along to Christmas carols. She hadn't seen me yet, so I plastered on what I hoped was my most convincing smile and came behind her wrapping my arms around her and giving her a hug.
"Merry Christmas Mum, I hope you and Santa Claus kept it clean last night and you were discreet. It would kill Dad, you know." She giggled at me, and I knew my ruse was successful.
Ok, I just had to keep it up like that for the next….. Twelve hours.
Oh shit.
Esme out did herself on breakfast, and though the table was practically groaning from the sheer volume of food it carried, by the time we had finished there was barely a piece of Vogel's left.
A concentrated effort on Emmett's part, he consumed at least three times more than the rest of us ate together. It was oddly horrifying and yet fascinating watching one man consume three times his body weight in food.
After breakfast, we exchanged gifts and watched The Nightmare before Christmas; it had been Emmett's choice this year and he purposely choose it to mess with Esme. It worked beautifully; she was appalled and insisted it was not a 'real' Christmas movie.
After lunch we made our way down to the City Mission and donated gifts and helped with the kitchen. We had done this every year since we had arrived in New Zealand when we were only small children.
Esme insisted, saying it was important to help those who were on hard times "It could be you one day boys, never take anything in this life for granted.". Esme's family had been very poor and she knew what it was like to live from dollar to dollar, and she made damn sure her son's learned the value of money too.
We arrived home at about four in the afternoon and Esme threw herself into Christmas dinner and we were banished to the lounge until she called.
It was awkward and no one said a goddamn thing. I think we had sat there for about half an hour before Emmett opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when Jasper and simultaneously shook our heads at him. Knowing Emmett and how he always managed to make an uncomfortable situation just that bit worse, we decided to cut him off at the pass. He closed his mouth and sat back with a scowl.
Silence followed.
When Esme appeared in the doorway forty-five minutes later, I think we breathed a collective sigh of relief. The four of us plastered those fake, plastic grins on our face and went to dinner, each playing his part to appease the one person who didn't deserve to have her day ruined.
I left that night at about nine o'clock and drove home. As soon as I had driven away from my parent's house, the smile had left my face and I felt empty once again.
It was my new coping mechanism, so fucking sue me.
I didn't bother turning on any lights when I got home, I knew my way to the liquor without the need for light. I pulled a bottle of Gentleman Jack (It was fucking Christmas after all.) and a bottle of 42Below vodka for variety. I proceeded to the deck with my pack of cigarettes, enjoying the warm summer breeze.
I fucking loved Christmas in New Zealand. Fuck the snow, there is nothing better than waking up on Christmas morning and going out for a surf before eating breakfast on the beach. I took another swig of the vodka, I didn't even bother to use a glass I just drank straight from the bottle and alternated between the two.
You would think after my recent foray into alcohol that I would never want to drink again, but that was never the case for me, it just meant I would have to drink harder now to not feel anything.
I sat there, drinking until I began to feel numb. I tried not to think about Bella and the way she had felt around me when she came, the way her eyes would roll back and close as she hit the peak of her climax.....
I tried not to think about Bella and how her Christmas had been.
I groaned, why couldn't I just fucking forget her?
Because you don't want to
I knew, it may be my ultimate undoing, but it's true.
New Years Eve, and my mother, in all her good-intentioned glory, had organised a going away party for me at Mercure, hiring out damn near half the place and hiring half the caterers in the area. Oh, she had the hotel's onsite caterers working too. She was a machine, and if you got in her way, be prepared to get knocked down.
I didn't want to go, and I actually tried to stay home and just not turn up. I mean, I was leaving, what did it really matter what Wellington's elite thought of me?
My brothers anticipated this would be my decision and turned up an hour before it was due to kick off.
"Hellllooo, Honey, I'm home!" Emmett called as he poked his head through the door, his keys jingling obnoxiously in his hand.
I really wished I hadn't given them those keys.
"Fuck off Emmett. I'm not going." I yelled and winced at the tone of my voice. I wanted to kick my own ass, I sounded like such a whiny bitch.
"Yes you are Fucktard, Mum put heaps of fucking effort into this, and who knows how she managed to fucking book the Mercure at this time of year." Emmett pushed me into my bedroom and began throwing clothes at me out of my drawers, none of which were appropriate.
"She flashed the Cullen name, guaranteed to get you whatever you want." Jasper interjected leaning in the doorway.
"Not everything." I mumbled grabbing a casual black suit from the closet and thinking of Bella. The Cullen name had never made a difference to her, and it was one of the things I had always admired most about her she held no false airs.
"All black. Either you are very patriotic or extremely fucking morose." Jasper commented on my attire as I emerged fully dressed from the bathroom.
"Shut up, I'm dressed aren't I?" I growled at him.
They practically pushed me out the door and into Emmett's Jeep while I argued that I wanted to take the Aston Martin. They argued I couldn't be trusted to stay if I had my own means of escape.
Very fucking astute of them:
We arrived and the place was packed full of the rich and famous of Wellington. Everyone here was kissing someone else's ass and they all hoped that by coming tonight that could gain favour with Carlisle and myself.
So, effectively it was our asses being kissed tonight. I reminded myself that Esme had put a lot of effort into this and the least I could do was not sulk the entire night.
I pulled out the mask.
I said all the right things at all the right times, I smiled at all the right people and shook their hands. I kissed their wives cheeks. I laughed at all their jokes.
I was Edward Cullen: The perfect son and protégé of Carlisle Cullen: I was the perfect gentleman Esme Cullen boasted of.
At least that's how I looked on the outside.
On the inside I was a mess. I felt like I was in some kind of bad acid trip, everyone around me looked like monsters, demons, vampires all disguised in their corporate plastic masks.
They were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe, I was gasping for oxygen, needing one single breath…..
I laughed at a joke the Mayor of Wellington had made. I have no fucking idea what the pompous twit said, but I knew I was expected to laugh.
Bella, her face flashed in front of my eyes, and every single brunette in the room with long hair made my heart jump with hope, was that Bella? I rationally knew that she wasn't here, couldn't be here, but my foolish heart would not be convinced.
I wanted her so I was seeing her everywhere. I was drowning and alone.
I had never felt so alone in my entire fucking life.
I day dreamed of Bella, the way I used to at work. Huh, it seemed like a lifetime ago now, but it was merely days.
I dreamed we were together, I dreamed of a barefoot (sexist, I know.) and pregnant Bella at my, our, home. The home I would finally fill with a family.
"Hey man, how are you holding up?" Jasper came up to me and touched my arm. He was concerned about me. I held my mask firmer in place; I didn't need to put this on Jazz.
He took on the pain of everyone around him, and he felt it as though it were his own.
Jasper was crude, somewhat sleazy in a charming kind of way, perverted druggie. He was also the most caring and compassionate person I knew and as childish as he could be, he was also the wisest person I knew.
"I'm holding up Jazz, it's the best I can do." I said keeping my voice low and steady. It was harder to keep up the façade around Jasper.
"That's enough for now bro, that's enough for now. You will get through this you know?" He asked clapping me on the shoulder. He seemed confident I could get past this. I was not so sure.
"You think so? Because I really don't see it getting any better than this Jasper, I can't get her out of my head and it's driving me insane! I know that I could never deserve someone like her, especially after what happened, but I can't stop thinking about what could have been!
She's everywhere, and I can't get to her!"
My words were desperate, a reflection of what I felt inside, but my voice was calm and neutral to the outside world. I was literally two fucking people at the moment and it was exhausting.
Jasper just looked at me sadly and shook his head. Fuck, I was unloading on him and that was exactly what I didn't want to do.
"Edward, you frustrate me you know? You act as though you have no choice in this, but you do. You're just too scared to take the chance, to step outside of the Edward
Cullen you and Carlisle have manufactured. Screw the deal Edward, go get the girl if you want to. Take her and ride off into the sunset. But if you don't, then don't sit here crying over what you're too scared to take a risk on. Love isn't perfect Edward, its crooked edges and frayed seams. It's worn and has scars and it's real. It's not the sterile, clinical idea you have in your head." He finished.
"Emmett's going to text Bella at midnight, it's not as good as hearing her voice, but it's the best we can do for you brother. Find us close to the time Ok?" He gave me a brief one armed hug and walked away, leaving me staring after him speechless. They were giving me a way to Bella?
If Carlisle found out: Fuck Carlisle, do it anyway. Emm and Jazz have your back, just do it!
Fuck it, I would. Consequences be damned:
Ok, settle down a bit, it was thinking like that, that got you into all this trouble to begin with.
"Edward?" I turned around to find Carlisle's steel gaze burning into me. I raised my eyebrows at him, what the hell did he want?
"I called a friend of mine who lives in France today, Marcus Denali. He has a daughter,
Tanya, who is around your age and lives in the apartment complex you are moving to, In fact, she will be your new neighbour."
I stared at him, why would I care about Marcus Denali's daughter? It's not like we we're going to be spending any time together or anything……
Oh, fuck me, is my father trying to set me up?
Had things got that bad?
Emmett and Jasper would certainly take the Mickey out of me if they ever caught wind of this.
"Yes, well, you haven't spent that much time in France, so I thought it might be beneficial for you to have a family acquaintance to make the transition easier. She has graciously offered to show you around and help you get on your feet."
"I don't need a fucking babysitter Dad; I'm quite capable of managing on my own." I spat at him. There was no ends to how far he would go to control me.
"Now calm down Edward, remember where you are. I know you don't like this situation but what you forget is that you put yourself here. The point is Edward, that this outcome is best for all concerned." he spoke to me as though I were a misbehaving child. I supposed in his eyes, I was.
"Best according to who?" I hissed at him forgetting myself for a moment but quickly recovering. The mask was back in place before anyone had noticed.
He opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by Esme.
"Carlisle, stop monopolising him: Everyone is here to say goodbye now let them do it!" She took me by my arm and spun me away before he could say a word. A group of bankers saw us and turned to talk, smiling broadly, but my mother swept past them rushing me onto the deck.
"What the hell is this all about Mum?" I asked in confusion.
"It's nearly midnight; I wanted to be with all you boys for the count-down." I looked and spotted Jasper and Emmett standing there grinning at our mother and how she was behaving.
This was the Esme we loved best, the small town girl who laughed with abandon and held no pretences. Usually we saw Esme Cullen, the polished sophisticated wife of Carlisle Cullen.
This Mum was definitely our favourite.
She pulled us all into a hug as someone got on the microphone to begin the countdown. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
My mother hopped up and down and squealed in delight, I hoped Carlisle didn't come out and see, he wouldn't approve and would just ruin her mood.
"I love you Emmett, my oldest and sweetest son, happy new year baby!" She kissed
Emmett on the cheek and he broke us apart and pulled Esme into a bone crushing hug.
"Love you too Mummy Bear!" She threw her head back and laughed. He put her down and she moved to Jasper.
"I love you Jasper, my sensitive and caring boy, happy new year sweetheart."
"Love you too mum." Jasper kissed her cheek. My mother turned to me and her eyes filled with sadness.
"And Edward, I love you my darling boy, so noble and gallant and good. I'm going to miss you so much…" She kissed me on the cheek, and a cough cut through the air.
"People are beginning to miss you Esme, come inside now." Carlisle held his hand out for her. She looked down at her feet for a moment and smiled then nodded and took Carlisle's hand.
"I'll leave you out here for awhile boys, Edward come back inside after you have spoken to
Emmett; you have guests to see to." She winked and then disappeared inside.
"What's going on?" I asked, hoping that this was what I thought it was.
"Emmett's going to text Bella now." Jasper said.
Yes!
I tried to look unruffled but failed miserably.
"I just text her happy new year and told her what a fuck awesome party you've got going on here." Emmett grinned at me.
I shook my head, this was predominantly a business affair, what the hell did he expect?
Strippers... Wait, actually Emmett probably would.
"Well, what's she doing?" I asked impatiently.
"Uh, enjoying new years?" Emmett guessed.
"Well, what's she saying then?" I asked getting more and more frustrated. It was fucking obvious Emmett was as high as a fucking kite, his eyes were the size of saucers and it was irritating me.
He looked down at his phone when it beeped. He laughed.
"She asked how Jazz is doing." Jasper smiled and I wanted to punch him. I was jealous that she hadn't mentioned me, even though I knew she probably wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
I couldn't blame her.
"Tell her I said hi, and I miss her. Shit's been boring since she left." Jasper grumbled.
Emmett pushed at the buttons on the phone texting the woman (my woman!) who I wanted more than any other, the woman that I loved.
"She's surprised we're not mad with her." Emmett said frowning down at the phone.
He looked up at me "It was your fucking fault anyway, you knew you wouldn't lose
your job." I rolled my eyes at him
"I didn't intend on Bella losing her job either Emmett, it just kind of turned out that way. But I agree, I'm the one at fault, not her."
"Definitely your fault," Jasper piped in.
"Not With You. Fucktards fault. Fucktard Knows It." Emmett spoke out loud as he text the reply.
I did know it was my fault, and I was a fucktard, but I hoped Bella would even just enquire after me. I was practically begging her silently for a sign, any fucking sign that she was interested.
Emmett's phone beeped.
"Jazz happy new year, and good luck fucktard. Well, on the bright side at least she mentioned you." He said looking at me. It didn't seem like the bright side to me she called me fucktard. Which I was, but it still stung.
You deserve it, so suck it up. She's moved on, you need to as well.
"Tell her I said happy new year and to haul ass back here, I'm BORED." Jasper said and both he and Emmett looked at me expectantly. They were waiting for my message.
I thought about her impersonal and insulting message, yes she had definitely moved on if that was anything to go by. But then perhaps she had never been where I was to begin with.
Had I misread that look in her eyes back in the office with Carlisle?
"Edward? Waiting bro." Emmett said impatiently.
Ok, well if she had moved on, then I would make her think I had too, I may have been pathetic, but I really didn't want to look that way. I had a little dignity left and what I did have, I intended on protecting.
"Tell her I said thank you, and I wish her luck as well." I said curtly.
Jasper looked at me sharply and Emmett just groaned "You are such a dick Edward," But he text my message anyway.
I felt detached. All those little hopes about Bella, no matter how unfounded, now suddenly vanished and I was faced with a very bleak future. One with entirely no hope, I made a decision. I strode back inside and found my father.
He turned to me in surprise and I simply said "Give me this Tanya's number and I'll set something up."
He smiled broadly at me and clapped me on the back. "I knew you'd see sense eventually
Edward. Forget about Isabella Swan, there are bigger and brighter things meant for you."
Forget about Isabella Swan? Impossible, Move on and live the rest of my life with this gaping black hole inside me? Yeah, I would live with the emptiness and just make do.
I had no other choice.
I sat in my seat in first class and waited for takeoff, I was heading to Paris with one stopover in Singapore. Then onto my new life: A life without brown eyes and mahogany hair, a life without sassy P.A.s and tinkling laughs.
A life without Bella:
An annoying airhostess began asking me if I was comfortable and did I perhaps want anything? This was the third time she had asked me since I boarded and it seemed her interest crossed over from merely professional to flirtatious and unprofessional. Once I would have flirted my ass off back, but now with my delightfully torturous memories of Bella pleasantly flaying me alive, the airhostess just aggravated me.
I told her that I was fine and was just going to try to sleep in the hopes that she would get the hint and leave me alone.
I plugged my ear buds in and scrolled to Boys Don't Cry by The Cure.
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind
I would say sorry if I thought it would make a difference, but Bella's text message had told me all I needed to know.
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that it's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
It was definitely too late, I was on a plane to the other side of the planet. As for forgiveness, I was not worthy of her forgiveness.
I would tell you that I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
I knew I loved Bella, but I wished I didn't. It only made this so much harder. I had never been in love before, and to have it ripped away was excruciating.
We were told to fasten our seatbelts and I did as instructed. I listened to the song while I watched the airhostess mime directions at us.
I was really doing it. I was leaving behind everything I loved. These were the consequences of my actions and I was going to accept them.