Author's note: It's time for a new chapter. And this week I really want to thank Cami, Jess and my little tutorgirl Casey for being a huge support with some personal issues. Lots of hugs for you guys.

I didn't have time to do individual review-responses this time but all of you that reviewed chapter 23; I love you! ;)

This chapter is named after a song by Britney Spears, and seeing that the chapter is one of those ridiculously long ones again, just see it as a double eppie. LOL

-

CHAPTER 24 – I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between

"Oh my god," Brooke pants, and Lucas sees her chest heaving up and down as she probably tries to get her pulse back to normal. She turns her head and looks over at him as he's lying on his back on the bed.

"Yeah" he whispers back with a cracked voice. "Amazing..." He turns to her, trying to catch his breath and watches her as she does just the same. "You were... just amazing."

"Aren't I always?" she murmurs, more of a statement then a question, and he silently agrees. She always is. Pulling herself closer to him she kisses him. Softly first, but in just a matter of minutes the kisses grow deeper again.

"Brooke..." he mumbles through their kisses, as their nude bodies touches once more. "We have to go to school now, you know that."

Frustrated, he rubs the short hair on his head. It had taken him a few days to get used to having it short like this after Brooke cut it, but now a week later, when he looked at himself in the mirror he knew that Brooke was right.

"Too bad," she whispers and taps his chin with her finger. "I wouldn't mind doing this for another hour."

He takes another deep breath and is taken by surprise when Brooke lifts herself to her knees. The blanket falls from her, revealing her naked body once more, and he can't help but to look at her. She pushes her long silky hair behind her shoulder, letting it fall onto her soft back and he reaches forward and caresses the inside of her thigh. He can see that she fights the urge to turn to him.

"Bad boy..." she whispers leaning closer to his lips. "I thought you said that we had to go to school..."

She gets up from the bed, teasing him as she saunters across the room naked.

It's bad enough that just the sight of her body makes his knees weak and his voice to catch in his throat, but when she looks at him this way, eyes glistening with want, he's completely defenseless. Stupid maybe, but he had always thought that being pregnant would make a girl less attractive. But in Brooke's case this is probably as far from the truth that one could ever get. The little 'baby-bump' is turning into this perfect roundness and her newfound curves just makes her even more sensual than before.

It doesn't matter that he's still exhausted from their last encounter, he still wants her again.

"Brooke..." he groans as she reaches for the handle to the bathroom door. And she turns to him, trying to hide the smirk brought on by her already calculated success.

"Mmm? What, baby?"

He stars at her for a moment, and then shakes his head with defeat before whispering; "Come back here…". And he can't help but to smile when she grins and walks back towards the bed, collapsing on top of him.

----------------------

Later that morning Nathan laughs as Lucas slumps down next to him in their Social Studies class, more than twenty minutes late. And Lucas gives him a look telling him that this is no time for mocking. But Nathan doesn't stop.

"Jesus, dude… you guys seriously need separate bedrooms. Doesn't Brooke ever let you sleep?"

Tiredly Lucas picks his books out of his backpack and starts taking notes from the blackboard. He hasn't been this tired in his whole life. And when he sighs, Nathan lifts his eyebrow suggestively, saying "Come on man, you're not complaining are you?"

Of course he's not complaining. If he could he would stay in bed with Brooke until noon everyday, but last night's merely three hours of sleep was seriously taking a toll of him. So instead of encouraging Nathan's dirty mind he puts down the pen and whispers;

"Do you have any idea of how damn hard it is to find a store that sells raw carrots at three o'clock in the morning?"

"Huh?"

Nathan looks completely clueless and Lucas turns back to his books. If Nathan had known he wouldn't look so damn happy, he thinks.

"Look," he says to his brother in a hushed voice. "It wasn't just my girlfriend's love of 'cuddling' that kept me awake, okay? I swear, she act's sooo weird sometimes…"

Lucas woke up when Brooke poked him in the side.

"Hey Broody, wake up…" she whispered and he groaned into the pillow. "Come on Lucas. Wake up…"

Her voice was a little louder this second time and he hesitantly opened his eyes. The bedroom was dark and after a quick look at the clock he sighed.

"What Brooke? It's two o'clock in the morning."

She sat up Indian style on the bed and even in the dark he saw that she tried to look innocent.

"I need you to get me carrots…" she said in a sugary voice and tilted her head to the side.

He couldn't help but to look puzzled. "Carrots? Why?"

"Because the baby wants carrots Luke. I don't even like carrots but it's like my body needs it or something… I promise…"

The crooked smile displayed on her face told him that she herself was a little confused by her demand, but that didn't cross out the fact that she obviously expected him to be the one to cater to this sudden need of hers.

"Have you looked in the fridge baby?" he tried tiredly but she just shot him a look saying 'Duh!'

"I looked before we went to bed but there wasn't any."

Sighing he raised himself so that he could lean on his elbow. "Why didn't you tell me then? Did you have to wait until in the middle of the night?"

"I thought that if I just went to sleep it would go away… but it didn't, and now I need carrots Lucas."

God, if she doesn't stop stressing the word 'need', I'm going to hit her over the head with the pillow, he thought. He looked at the alarm-clock again. 02:10. And tiredly he sat up.

"What do you want me to do Brooke? Do you seriously want me to go to the store now?"

She nodded, looking pleased that her message seemed to have gone through, and he shook his head at her in disbelief. Up until tonight Brooke really hadn't had any weird cravings or crazy habits, and taken away the week she had been on bedrest he hadn't really had to do anything special for her. So with a deep sigh he got to his feet and picked up his jeans that layed draped over the chair. Brooke settled back under the covers and closed her eyes.

"Wake me up when you have them…" she murmured before falling back to sleep.

And he got out of the bedroom, silently closing the door behind him.

"So, still jealous?" he whispers to Nathan, who by now is trying aimlessly to stop himself from laughing out loud. "I don't think so, huh? So just get off my back and take notes. You're not borrowing mine."

------------------------

Brooke is standing by her locker when Haley comes up to her with Lucas and Nathan in a tow. Haley looks annoyed and when Brooke looks at the guys with a questioning quirk of her eyebrow Nathan shrugs as if to say 'how the hell would I know'. Smiling she pulls Haley into a sideways hug and Haley fake-whispers;

"Please save me! Both of these cave-men are driving me nuts!"

At 23 weeks into her pregnancy, Haley's belly is almost as big as the pictures Brooke had seen of women that were full term, and Brooke pats it lovingly. "Hey in there little boys" she says before looking up at Haley's face again.

"So Tutorwife, you look pissed. What happened? Did Nathan not do his homework?"

"Ha ha! Real funny Brooke. Now can we go eat? I'm starving here since your boyfriend ate my chocolate bar."

Brooke fakes a shocked look and leans over to slap Lucas' arm. He answers it with a loud "Ow!" and she smirks.

"Aww… you don't feel the love? Poor baby" she says, walking over to him and placing a soft kiss on his lips. "Better? Do you feel loved now?"

"Pity love" he huffs back but in a playful tone, before turning back to his conversation with Nathan. And as they reach the end of the corridor, the boys turn left for the gym. Brooke stops in her tracks and pulls Lucas back in by the fabric of his shirt.

"Hey mister. Where do you think you're going? No basketball for a month, remember?"

He yawns and places a kiss on her forehead. "I'm just gonna drop some things of to Whitey and then I'm going to the library. After this morning I'm too tired to work out anyway…"

Now it's Haley's turn to look at Brooke with a raised eyebrow and Brooke smiles back proudly and links her arm with Haley's.

"I guess it's a girl-lunch then. I'll tell you all about it over pasta… But until then, tell me about this parenting-class that you told Lucas about. When does it start? In two weeks, right?"

--

They find Rachel and Bevin at a table outside and after getting food they sit down and quickly indulge in gossip. The prom is just weeks away and bets are being made on who will be made prom king and queen, which girl that will end up making out with the most guys and if the punch will be spiked this year when Tim's not around.

This year Brooke realizes that she's not a top-candidate for either 'most drunk' or 'make-out queen' and she is just about to tell Rachel that she can still win the last one by making out with Lucas, when she sees her boyfriend coming out of the library with Peyton.

They laugh and it's easy for Brooke to see that Lucas has missed hanging out with her former best friend. She knows that the reason he has stayed away from Peyton the last two and a half months is because of herself, but it still hurts a little to see them having fun like no time has passed. And for a second she wonders if it's unfair of her to feel this way. Lucas himself had decided to back away from Peyton, she had never asked him to, and it was his choice if he wanted to take that decision back.

"Hey, I'm talking to you hoe!" Rachel says, waving her hand in front of her face and Brooke snaps out of her thoughts. "What sexual fantasy were you stuck in girl? I've been trying to get you to listen for five minutes."

Brooke just shrugs and pushes away her plate. She has suddenly lost her appetite for both food and prom-gossip.

But Haley has seen what she looked at and now she strokes Brooke's back with calming motions.

"Brooke…" she says silently, "trust Lucas, okay? Things aren't always as bad as you make them seem. They're just talking and that doesn't mean anything."

Brooke nods and shifts in her seat. Yeah whatever, she thinks. It's not much she can do about it anyway. Instead she takes a sip of her soda and changes the subject.

"So this parenting-class… What is that about and does it actually involve studying?"

Haley doesn't buy the quick change of topic though, and with an even lower voice she says;

"You do realize that the life you've got is pretty darn good, don't you?" she says. "If you would just stop trying so hard to find possible problems, you might actually be happy Brooke…"

But Brooke just pushes her chair back and stands up, suddenly fed up with the entire conversation. Who did Haley think she was? She certainly doesn't have to stay around and listen to this crap. Rachel looks puzzled but she doesn't stay long enough to explain, instead she grabs her purse and walks off fast enough to miss the last part of Haley's sentence.

"…and you really deserve that."

I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe
I'm just trying to find the woman in me

Thankfully Brooke doesn't have any classes with either Haley or Lucas during the afternoon. Because truthfully, she needs to cool off before talking to either one of them or she would probably burst out in some sort of temper-tantrum. She knows that Haley means well but today was not the right day for this conversation.

In Biology she teams up with Nathan to dissect frogs, which she ends up doing all of herself since Nathan is totally grossed out by the actual cutting. His disgusted face and gagging noises makes her laugh and she almost forgets about being angry.

The last class is Art and as she walks trough the door she realizes that this used to be her favorite class of the whole week. Not only because it's the last class before the weekend starts, but also because she used to love to sit and doodle little nothings like stars and hearts while watching her best friend create masterpieces with a simple pen as her only tool.

Mr. Collins, the art-teacher, is much looser than most of the other teachers when it comes to talking in class, so she would happily plan out there entire weekend while Peyton, usually deep in her project by then, would just laugh at her babbling and just answer when it was needed.

Now Brooke hesitantly walks into the classroom and sees Peyton sitting in their usual seats in the back. Brooke hasn't been to art-class in weeks because things had just kept coming in the way lately. Her hospital-stay, cheer practice, the championship… and last Friday she had just skipped it all together in favor of being with Lucas. But she can't skip anymore, at least not if she wants to save her grade, so she slowly walks over and sits down on the only empty seat next to Peyton.

"Hey Sawyer…" she says and picks out the project she was working on when she was last here.

Peyton looks up and smiles. "Hi Brooke. It's been a long time since we saw you in this class…"

"Yeah, it's been a little hectic lately. You know how it is… Things to see and people to do."

She does her signature face with one eyebrow raised, and Peyton nods. They both draw for a while in silence but when she leans back to look at her work, Peyton puts down her pen.

"Brooke, I've been thinking…" she says and sighs. "I've been thinking of how weird it is that you're pregnant and I don't get to share any of this with you… Lucas told me today that it's a girl… How are you feeling? Happy, right?"

"Yeah, it's a little surreal to walk around with a future cheerleader inside me, but it feels good to know…"

Peyton's eyes glance over down to Brooke's belly and then she asks; "Maybe we could hang out sometime and you could tell me all about it? Just over a lunch or a cup of coffee?"

Brooke bites her bottom lip and ponders this for a moment. She silently wishes that Peyton would have chosen any other day to ask her this. Recently she has thought about her childhood friend a lot and she really wants them to bury all their issues once and for all. But out of all the days, why did Peyton have to choose the only day when Brooke had seen her hang out with Lucas?

A bitchy remark lingers at the tip of her tongue but she bites it back.

"I'll think about the talking-part" she mumbles and turns her gaze back to her sketch. "But we can do coffee tomorrow at Karen's."

She's realized lately that the anger she has held towards Peyton for so long has disappeared, and that the thing standing in the way of her and Lucas being happy never really was Peyton at all. Of course, it's clear that the blonde girl had made some really stupid choices during the last year, but her problems with trusting Lucas has so much more to do with herself. And even if she and Peyton could never go back to the perfect BFF-friendship they had as kids, she's so tired of hating her.

In the corner of her eye she sees Peyton smile, and then the blond girl bends down and gets a plastic bag out of her back pack.

"I've got you something" she says and pushes the bag over to Brooke on the desk. "It's for the baby…"

And when she sees what's inside, and hears Peyton's story on why she bought her this, she realizes that she's not really angry at Lucas either. Just a little disappointed.

I used to think I had the answers to everything
But now I know
That life doesn't always go my way
That's when I realize

------------------------

Lucas had looked for Brooke the entire afternoon but it was almost as if she was avoiding him. And when he stood by her locker and waited for her when the school-day was over, he got a text from her saying that she was going to hang out with Rachel in the mall. So he decided to head back to the library to finish off a leftover English essay and totally forgot about time.

Now, when he walks into the house, it's almost dinnertime and he wonders why Brooke never called him. Her text had been sweet, her ordinary style with kisses and a make-out promise at the end, but in some way it's still weird.

His mom is in the kitchen cooking and he gives her a quick hug.

"Hey mom, where's Brooke?"

"I think she's in your room. She said she had something she had to do."

He drops his books on the kitchen table and walks through the hallway. Pushing the door open, he sees Brooke sitting on the bed with her t-shirt pulled up. She holds a set of huge headphones against her belly with one hand, flipping the pages of a glossy fashion-magazine with the other.

"What are you doing?" he says laughing and she looks up.

"Peyton gave these to me today. It's so that the baby can listen to music. Apparently she must have been reading up on pregnancies as well because she knew about the baby hearing things by now…"

She smiles a little crookedly and he can't help but hearing the underlying question. Brooke's old insecurities had been buried lately but now they seemed to have resurfaced, since it's evident by the look in her eyes that she wonders if he was the one who told Peyton this. And he was. He has hardly seen Peyton for weeks, let alone talked to her. Not until these last days, and even now it is still a 'once in a while' thing. Short discussions on the way from one class to another, or a quick 'hi' in the cafeteria line. But he would be lying if he said that it hadn't been great to hang out with Peyton for the lunch-hour today and he wonders how to explain this to his girlfriend since Brooke's hormones are still all over the place and he doesn't want to jeopardize her trust in him.

He picks up the headphones and holds them to his ear.

"What the hell are you playing for my daughter?" he asks laughing and she raises her eyebrow in a perfect quirk.

"It's Justin Timberlake. Just because she gave me the thing doesn't mean I have to force the poor baby to listen to her crappy taste in music…"

"Hey!" he says giving the headphones back to her. "Peyton and I have the same taste in music, and it isn't 'crappy'…"

She looks at him somewhat hurt, before reattaching them on her naked belly. "Yeah… you don't have to remind me. I know that…"

Okay, maybe defending Peyton's taste in music wasn't the greatest idea. Especially not today. But before he can take it back or say something to make the situation better, his mom calls out from the kitchen that dinner is ready and Brooke gets to her feet.

"Brooke…" he starts, but she smiles a fake smile that holds so much insecureness that he feels his shoulders drop, and then she says; "Don't worry about it Luke… it's true isn't it? You and Peyton do have a lot of things in common."

And then she walks off towards the kitchen and leaves him standing there feeling like an ass. Not that he has really done anything to make her act this way, but still…

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

----------------------------

Later that night Lucas strokes her hair gently as they watch the stars out on the porch. He's twisting the ends of her long dark strands around his fingers and Brooke pulls the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, and glances up at him. It's a beautiful night. Cold, but beautiful, and the blankets and his warm body is keeping her from freezing. It's quiet out here and she snuggles up closer to him.

"What are you thinking baby?" she asks silently and he bends his head and kisses her temple.

"Nothing really… I'm just enjoying this. Too have some quality time with you without all the drama…"

He presses his lips against her forehead and his lips feel soft against her skin. She closes her eyes for a moment. "It's nice, isn't it?"

"Yeah…"

They sit for a while in silence again but she can't shake the feeling that Lucas is holding something in. He might not be the most talkative person in the world, but he's unusually quiet tonight. And after intertwining her fingers with his, she breathes in. She has promised herself to stop doing this, to stop probing his quietness in search of underlying messages or hidden problems. But it's so hard not to. Especially tonight.

"Is there something you're not telling me Luke? Cause if there is, then please tell me…"

Her voice comes out a little weak and he wraps his arms around her a little tighter. But his silence still makes her worried and she shivers. He doesn't seem angry, she thinks. He had just been strangely quiet and tense since after dinner. She tries to think back and figure out if it could have been something she had said or done, but nothing really comes to mind. And then she hears him take a deep breath.

"Brooke…" he says, still playing with her hair. "Do you trust me?"

She's not prepared for this question and she turns a bit in his arms so that she can look up at his face. His blue eyes look intently down at her and weirdly enough there's hurt in them. Her heart starts beating faster and she suddenly wishes that she had just kept her mouth shut. She has no clue where he's going with this and she not sure she wants to know anymore. Emotionally they've been so good together lately, even with all the craziness going on around them, and it's been a long time since she felt this insecure tension between them, but after seeing him with Peyton earlier she's worried about what's going on in his head.

"Why do you ask that?" she whispers.

He untangles his hand from her hair and looks off into the distance.

"I found the box… the 'Peyton-box' that you hid in the closet."

She wants to respond, but she decides against it. She really doesn't know what to say if she would. Instead she chooses to sigh and nod her head. He laces his fingers back through hers and she gives his hand a small squeeze before he brings it up to his mouth to give her hand a kiss. Then he continues.

"Actually I found it a couple of weeks ago and I just want to know why Brooke…"

"Why?"

"Yeah, why did you save it? And why hide it instead of talking to me about it? …I thought we were done with keeping secrets…"

"We are Luke" she says even more silently. "I'm just not ready to throw it away yet…"

She's still looking up at him and she sees the disappointment flash over his face.

"So I guess that's my answer then… You don't trust me."

Carefully he moves her forward so that he can get up from the hammock they've been sitting on, and he starts to walk inside. She says his name pleadingly and he turns before opening the door.

"No, I'm tired Brooke. I'm gonna go to bed…"

She nods and he walks inside. The cold creeps in under the blanket and she wraps it tighter around herself. Honestly, she's not really sure why she hasn't gotten rid of the box yet. But in some weird way it's been sort of a safety-blanket. Like if he would ever hurt her again, then the box would be the evidence that she had been prepared for it, and that she wasn't stupid and clueless. But of course that's what's hurting him and she regrets it now.

She blinks away the tears that are building up in her eyes and angrily shuts them tightly. This hormonal crying all around the clock is bugging the living hell out of her. Just a couple of months back, crying was something she almost never allowed herself to do, but since becoming pregnant she had cried so many times that she can't even count them anymore. And its nights like this that she still wonders if things between her and Lucas hadn't happened a little too fast. Because nights like this one still makes her wonder where they would have been right now if his child wasn't growing inside of her.

All I need is time
A moment that is mine, that's mine
While I'm in between

She lets out an annoyed sigh and furiously dries her face with the sweater's sleeve. The fabric smells of Luke and she pulls up handfuls of it and buries her face in it while more tears comes pouring out. Then she hears Karen's voice;

"Brooke honey… what's the matter?"

She looks up to see Lucas mother in the open door. Karen looks worried and the motherly look she's giving Brooke just makes her sob harder.

"I can't do anything right Karen…"

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true."

With a hand protectively on her heavily pregnant belly Karen sits down next to her and wraps her other arm around Brooke's shoulders. "Did you and Lucas have a fight?"

"No, not really… I'm just feeling so confused Karen. I don't know if keeping this baby was the right thing to do… I mean, we're both so young… and sometimes I just feel like the only reason he came back to me was this baby-girl, not really because of me…"

Karen smiles softly. "That is not true Brooke and you know it. Lucas loves you. More than anything."

But Brooke keeps sobbing and Karen takes her chin in her hand and forces her to look at her.

"Remember when we talked in the café, when you had just come back from California? I told you then, and I'll tell you again now… sometimes I'm even jealous. When my son looks at you everyone can see that his mother is no longer the most important person in his life. You are, Brooke."

The older woman looks sincere and Brooke once again dries her face with the sleeve.

"But then why can't I trust him? I really thought I could by now, that I had gotten over all this… But I still push him away. Why do I do that Karen?"

Her crying gets louder and she feels embarrassed. But then again, after her complete break-down when Lucas was in the hospital, nothing should really surprise Karen. And either way she can't help herself, she just feels so worn out by all this. By being insecure and full of doubts and by not being able to explain to her boyfriend how she feels.

"Maybe because you've gotten your share of dishonesty from him in the past" Karen calmly states. "…although that doesn't mean that he hasn't learned anything from his mistakes." She hugs her a little tighter. "But it can also mean that you have a hard time trusting yourself hunnie…"

In the back of her mind Brooke knows that Karen has a point with her last statement. But that doesn't really make this any easier. More like the other way around. Because when it comes to believing in herself, she's usually comes up short.

"I saw him talking to Peyton today..." she says silently into the fabric of Karen's sweater, "and I don't know why, but it makes me so insecure when they laugh and seem all happy…"

A sudden loud sigh is then heard from the open front door and she looks up. Lucas is leaning towards the doorframe and he looks sad and angry at the same time. She opens her mouth to speak but he beats her to it.

"So that's why you were angry earlier?" he says with irritation evident in his voice. "You know what Brooke, I'm so tired of this! I've been trying to get you to trust me for over three months now and you still act like I'm going to up and leave you any minute!! Why is it so damn hard for you to just believe me when I tell you that I LOVE YOU!?"

He's voice is loud and new tears burn in Brooke's eyes. He hasn't yelled at her in such a long time and the change from his otherwise so soft voice makes her flinch.
Karen's arm is still protectively wrapped around her and she leans closer to the woman.

"Don't yell at me…" she whimpers but he keeps going.

"What Brooke? Seriously, what is your god damn problem?!" he asks heatedly and steps down on the porch. "Yes I talked to Peyton today, and I actually had fun doing it! And yes, I've screwed up countless times in the past, but I'm really trying! Can't you just stop being so freaking insecure and help me out here?!"

Brooke cringes as his voice gets even louder at the end of the last sentence and Karen shifts uneasily beside her.

"Lucas…" Karen starts, but Lucas puts his hand up to stop her.

"No seriously mom! She needs to quit this!" he says harshly before taking a deep breath as if to calm himself down. With a lower, but still cold voice, he says; "Maybe you should just go inside mom, and let us handle this, okay?"

Karen sighs and stands up. And when her arm leaves Brooke's shoulders Brooke feels even more helpless than before. Not only is she a mess on the inside, now Lucas is angry at her and she hates when he looks at her all coldly. She wants Karen to stay, but she is in this by herself now.

"Be a little gentle Luke" she hears Karen mumble as she passes her son. "This isn't so easy for her…"

Lucas mumbles something back that Brooke can't make out and then Karen walks inside, carefully closing the door behind her. Brooke closes her eyes and pulls her knees up towards her chest, but lets them fall down again when she realizes it's an impossible position nowadays with her belly being in the way.

Lucas doesn't sit down, he stays standing, leaning towards one of the porch's pillars. He watches her while the tears still fall slowly down her face, and then he clears his throat.

"Remember the fight we had at Nathan's and Haley's wedding-reception?" he asks with a less cold voice and she nods. How could she not remember? That day was still on her top five of crappiest days ever.

"Well, do you also remember asking me why I didn't let you all the way in?"

"Of course I do…"

She can feel his eyes seek out hers but she keeps her eyes glued to the floor and he sighs.

"I've really tried to do that since then Brooke, but what's the point of me doing that if you don't trust the words coming out of my mouth? Huh? And why do you keep acting as though our relationship is a one-way street?" he asks tiredly and shakes his head. "You need to let me in as well, you know… I can't keep trying to mind-read you."

…I'm not a girl
There is no need to protect me
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than you know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

She looks up at him now, knowing that he's right. But she wants him to understand that it's not only him that she doesn't trust. In fact, he is probably the only one she has any trust in at all. With the upbringing she has had, her biggest fear in this is that Rachel had been right from the start. What if she and Lucas turned out to be like her own parents? What if they broke the heart of the little girl inside her, just like her parents had broken hers? She can't live with that thought.

She knows that it's impossible for Lucas to see this, because even though his father had let him down even before he was born, he had still had the complete and unconditional love of Karen. And he had never seen up close what she had seen; the prolonged crashing down of a dysfunctional family.

"You don't understand…" she whispers, and he answers her calmly.

"No I don't. Because you won't explain it to me… I probably would understand if you tried."

She gets up from the hammock and starts pacing back and forth on the porch. She thinks of the other box she has hidden in the closet, the one that scares her so much more then the one he refers to as the 'Peyton-box'. Actually she hasn't touched or thought of the box with Peyton's stuff since she put it in his closet two months ago, not until he brought it up earlier tonight. But Lucas didn't know that of course.

And as she paces, she thinks of what Haley had said earlier, about realizing that things often were much better than one thought. Maybe she should just take Haley's advice?

Before she can change her mind she steps up to Lucas and hesitantly takes his hand in hers. A small part of her is afraid he might push her away, but he doesn't. Instead he just looks at her in that way that makes her feel loved. And he brings his other hand up to her face.

"There are two things I need you to do Brooke" he says while rubbing the last of her tears away with his thumb. "First, you have to stop believing the worst of me all the time… I can't promise you that I'll never make you angry at me again, but I would never hurt you intentionally, and you have to start trusting that, pretty girl. We can't make this work if you don't…"

His voice is his normal soft one now, the voice that has soothed her so many times, and when he reaches for her and softly pulls her to him, she lets him and leans towards his chest. His heart beats with strong thumps against her cheek and she lets out a deep sigh.

"And secondly?" she whispers, the first thing she's said without crying in over fifteen minutes.

"Secondly, we have to start talking about this baby. About our baby-girl, Brooke. You never tell me how you feel about all this, you just laugh it off or close up like a clam when I bring it up, and I need to know what your worries are…"

He kisses the top of her head and the gentle gesture makes her want to cry all over again, but for totally different reasons. She wants to tell him everything that keeps swirling around in her head but she doesn't know where to start. She has come to so many conclusions this last week since she found out that the baby inside her is a girl and in this moment it overwhelms her. But he continues.

"I know you baby, and even though you think you're not showing it, I can still see when you feel uneasy or insecure… and it really hurts when you're closing me out like this."

And she can clearly see that it does. So with his hand in hers, she softly pulls him towards the back-door that leads right into his bedroom. She doesn't ever want him to feel like she did last fall, when he kept closing her out until she had nothing left to do but to break up with him.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between

"Come on, I need to show you something."

He follows her and when they're inside she points for him to sit down on the bed before opening the door to their stuffed to the brim closet. She searches around in the back of it for a while before walking back towards the bed with a bigger shoe-box in her arms. Then she sits down beside him.

"Okay…" she says weakly. "You're right. I'm really scared of all this… And to answer you're question that you asked before; I do trust you. But I don't really trust love you know… I never have." She fiddles with the lid to the box. "It did hurt me today to see you laughing with Peyton, but that's because I sometimes feel like you never had the chance to really figure out how you felt about her since you had your obligations to me and the baby."

He starts to say something but she presses her finger against his lips to shut him up.

"No, let me finish… I do trust you, and I know that you wouldn't go behind my back again. But if I start talking to you about things, then you have to promise me something in return. You have to promise that you'll tell me if you stop loving me. I've lived my whole life in a loveless home Luke, and I don't want to put our daughter through that… do you understand?"

Lucas nods and tucks a few strands of her hair back behind her ear. "I understand Brooke… but I can't really see how it would be possible for me not to love you. You're it for me. The one."

She smiles and in her head she thinks that they're only eighteen and that he is much too young to know that already, but at the same time she knows that he means it. Her boyfriend is one of the most hopeless romantics she's ever met and she loves him for it.

Slowly she pushes the box over towards him. "Don't worry about the box with Peyton's things…" she says, suddenly nervous. "I had honestly almost forgotten about it… And if you don't believe me then look in this one."

After getting the permission he needs from her eyes, he lifts the lid and looks inside the completely filled box, and first he just looks confused. Carefully he looks through the things inside and she feels herself smile over all the memorabilia.

"Every little thing in there is kept as a memory of how loved you make me feel" she says, and as his hand closes around the pink book on the bottom she holds her breath. He flips it open and the already big smile on his face widens even more. Without saying anything he pulls her to him so that she's leaning against his chest and together the look through the detailed scrap-book that she's made for their daughter.

"Do you want to know the truth…" she then whispers and he nods. "The truth is that I can't wait for her to be born. I really can't wait to hold her Luke, and to see what she looks like… I'm just so scared that all my 'baggage' is going to mess things up. Both with her and with you…"

"It's impossible" he says back, and his voice is warm and loving, as if he is proud of her. "You've been kind of screwed up since I met you and I still love you like crazy."

"I love you too. And I'm trying to learn how to love myself, so just bare with me, okay?"

He pulls her chin up and looks her straight into the eyes with his calm blue orbs.

"Take your time princess, I'm in for the long run and one of these days you'll see the girl I'm seeing every time I look at you. And then you'll know that I was right…"

But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way

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Author's note: Please keep reviewing, you know I love it:)