Second update of the day...YOU lucky BEES :D!
Thank you very much 'ajayee' for your ALWAYS great thoughts and opinions on AML...They are my driving force...x x
Also thank you to 'Kiss07'
So enough from me...On with Madamoiselle Bella
I DO NOT own Twilight...I OWN AML.
*~Bella~*
Have you ever had occasions in your lives where you don't know how you feel....You don't feel sad until you cry and you don't feel happy until you smile...You just feel NUMB?
Numb was the right word for how I felt...As much as the various different nurses and doctors have come into my room and said that none of this is my fault is mind-blowing. I knew that none of this was down to me...I go through life trying to help people as best I can because I know what it is like to feel alone...But right now I couldn't be more alone...No matter how many times Edward said to me I was going to be alright...How many times Carlisle had said he was sorry...I needed to forgive him and no doubt I would because he has been there for me since day one but to actually have the energy to say that I forgive them and now we can move on is non-existent.
I had drifted in and out of restless sleep...I had never slept so much in my life since now...I always felt tired and even when I cried I felt tired and drained and headaches seemed to be my best friend.
I was somehow content laying on the bed of Sandgrove and letting the people in their world live their lives without me...Living in a cave of my own and never wanting to show myself...After what happened with Mike I came under the conclusion that my whole life had been made to be as awful as it is...I had been living with my mum for years with addiction and always coming second to her...Then I was saved by Dr Cullen and his family...But obviously now that hadn't gone right because I have ended up in here..Was there much point in having any hope at all?
The other reason why things hadn't worked out with the Cullens was also because...I had fallen for my adopted brother.
I am completely and unconditionally in love with Edward...However, as much as I keep admit it to myself I could never admit it to anyone else...I didn't want people to think that I was disgusting or wrong in my emotions and also the fact that Edward still had Jessica was a prime factor...I have never been a jealous person and I was NOT jealous of Jessica...She knew Edward way before I came on the scene and joined the players and she deserved him...They deserved each other. I just couldn't help that every time Edward kissed me, or touched me or held me in his arms that I was the person who belonged to him because believe me I would...He could have every part of my soul and every angle of my heart if he asked for it.
I understand that Edward isn't the nicest person in the world and he can be a complete idiot when he wanted to be but it's true what they say that you can't help who you fall for...Why did I have to go and kiss him and make it all ten times worse? God how I wished things would go back to the way they were before the kiss and then I wouldn't have ended up where I am now...I was happy being his sister and even now if I ever got better than I would continue to be his sister and just suffer in silence...There was no way he would go for a girl like me and he looks on me as his younger sister and I would prefer having him as a brother then lose him altogether....The thought of losing him is unbearable.
Would I risk everything just to hear Edward say that he loved me back? No. So now I would have to learn to steer my feelings back to the way they were and find a person I could love completely and not use them like I had with Mike.
My thought shower was interrupted when my door opened.
"Bella beautiful?" At least I was thankful about one thing being in here and that was that I had Tess...I had bonded with her already and didn't have to go through the awkward situations of meeting new people especially when they are looking after you medically. I remained motionless with my thoughts.
"It's lunchtime sweetheart...Did you want me to get anything for you from the cafeteria"? I shook my head...If given the choice I would never eat again I already felt sick enough and the thoughts of food hadn't swayed me in any way...I could just picture Emmett in this kind of place eating, sleeping and flirting with women all day...I reckon he would love it.
"Bella-"She said as she closed the door and walked over to my bed and sitting on it "you need to eat something...Your weight is going to go down drastically" she informed me....Why should I have any care what I eat or what I weigh when the one person I really needed wasn't there with me...Good start on swaying those feelings Bella, why is life so hard?
"Well...If you won't eat a full meal then let me suggest something?" Bless Tess for trying but what is she going to do? Bring out some bread and cheese that she has hidden in her pinafore?
I said nothing as Tess pulled out something from her pinafore...Told you. A rattling of a packet filled the room and I didn't have the energy to look up and see what it was.
"Jelly baby?" She asked me as she showed me the yellow packet...I couldn't remember the last time I had sweets or any kind of confectionary product. I shook my head.
"You need to eat, Bella...These babies can't eat themselves and besides if I eat them all then I get love handles" Tess stated..I wanted to laugh but I couldn't...Will I ever smile again?
Tess pulled out some sweets from the packet and placed them in front of me on the bed..."There we go now you have every colour so you don't miss out" I glanced down at the sweets on the bed and looked back to the wall in seconds...Tess sighed "Bella, please?" She pleaded.
If eating a sweet would make her go away and leave me alone then I was more than happy to oblige...She had been so great to me when I needed her and I knew that she would be there for me again but right now I didn't need her...I didn't need anyone except the boy I loved...Oh for Christ sake, Bella!
I reached over slowly and grabbed a baby – or whatever it is they were called and brought it up to my mouth...They didn't smell very good but I would eat insects if it could get me a moment's peace...I chewed it and savoured it in my mouth again not having much like for the taste...I put the rest of it in my mouth and swallowed it down...Tess looked at me with a smile but I didn't return the smile or her gaze.
"They're good, huh? Tell you what..I will leave them on the bedside table for you and you can nibble at them when you have your assessment soon...I am sure Doctor Owens wouldn't mind" Another doctor assigned to take care of me...I didn't need therapy...I needed Edward.
Tess stroked my cheek again I lacked the energy of looking at her in the face as she walked back out of my room closing the door behind her.
Silence
Sweet, amazing silence...!
I couldn't help but think about Mike either...I had gone about my relationship...Actually, I don't think it is fair to call it a relationship the complete wrong way...When I had kissed Mike I pictured Edward and when Mike looked at me the way he did I desired Edward to look at me that way...How can they call love healthy? When you feel like a goddamn stalker when you think about them every minute of every day.
I wasn't healthy...I knew I wasn't....Was talking to a counsellor really going to make all my problems and current emotions go away? – Carlisle had owned some kind of magic wand when I had met him and would this Dr Owens own one too?
"Miss Swan?" I was snapped out of my trance again..Why is it every time you need to have a bit of self-reflection you are interrupted. However I had always had my reflection in my diary and I hadn't done that since probably my third night at the Cullens'...I didn't miss it and I didn't feel chained to it like I had done when I first came here...Maybe I am changing.
I forced myself to look up at my assessor who was much younger than both Carlisle and Doctor Albertson who had both been my carers the first time along with Tess. He gave me a warm smile..I attempted to give one back but I didn't let the smile reach my eyes.
"How are you feeling?" Great question...They always seem to ask the same thing the people in this kind of profession...I am in HERE I am not exactly peachy...Don't be too mad at him, Bella he is only doing his job.
"Fine" I said simply not wanting to say anything more.
"My name is Dr Owens but you can call me Oliver...I am the physiatrist assigned to you."
"Hi" I replied...Oh god let this be over.
"Do you prefer Isabella or Bella"? Well that was a change...Most people had automatically called me Isabella and I felt the need to have to correct them however I had actually been ASKED which name I preferred this time.
"Bella" I replied and he hummed in understanding.
"So, Bella...Do you mind if I sit down?" He worked here and yet he was asking me if he could sit down....Calm down, Bella.
"You can sit" I said steadily as he sat down on the chair opposite the bed..My old room in here had the bed facing the door but in this room it was facing the wall...He looked on at me from the chair no doubt analysing my position or whatever it is these people looked for with people who are insane...Was that what I was now? Insane...I would just call myself infatuated in all honesty.
"So...Bella...How old are you?" Okay it was official...This man was going to make me speak and I had learnt quickly with Tess that if you spoke all of this will be over..They will put it on their record and put it back in the draw never to be opened again until you had something wrong with your general health in the future.
"Sixteen" I answered still not looking at him.
"You in school?"
"Yes"
"Do you know if you have a history of mental health problems that run in your family?" How was I supposed to know that...I lived with an alcohol-dependant mum for most of my life...I never went out unless I had to...I was basically a hermit...Did that qualify as a mental health issue? Who the hell knows?
"I don't know" I answered him.
"That's okay...Most people who are diagnosed with depression have never had it before...But it is hereditary and it does run in family blood lines"
Depression....I had always found that a horrible word..Was there such a thing has having depression, though I thought people were depressed when they were having a bad day or week...Is it permanent?
"Is that what I have?" I asked him
"Depression..Yes, Bella...You are fortunate however to be in the early stages...It seems that your father, Carlisle and your brother Edward brought you in just in time" There I was trying to keep my mind off of the Cullens because missing them hurt too much and then a complete stranger with an ID page comes in and mentions them.
"I don't want to talk about them?" I said
"Sorry if that is a sensitive subject for you, Bella...I am just making conversation" Conversation? Whatever!
"It's not a sensitive subject...I just miss them that's all"
"That's natural"
"Being depressed isn't natural though is it?" What was going on? Why was I talking back? Okay Dr Oliver Owens also owned a magic wand.....Grrr!
"No it isn't natural but it's not incurable"
"Isn't it?"
"No and the fact that you are in here is proof that you have the strength to get through it...You just need to find a purpose"
"A purpose?"
"Yes..Something that makes you happy...Like if you had a certain talent for something like...Oh, let's see...Dance...That would be starting point...If you wanted to have a career in dance then you would plan out all your options and then you would know where you are going in life"
"I can't dance"
Oliver chuckled lightly "No I am not either...It was just an example. Do you have a talent? Or is there anything that you are particularly good at in school?"
"I don't mind school...I don't know what I want to do though and I do not have a talent"
"That's fine...younger people don't know what they want and it may be that you do possess a talent for something you just don't know it, yet. Every person is good at something"
Were there people in this world who were good at being a wimp or hiding their feelings because I would snap that award right up.
"Do you have any hobbies, Bella?"
"I like to read"
"Really that's good! What do you like to read?" I took the chance then to look at him for the first time...I wasn't interested in what he looked like but rather the fact that he wasn't writing anything down.
"Aren't you supposed to be writing this down?" I asked him.
"Did you want me to write something down...I decided that today would be off the record just so that we could get to know one another?"
"Oh..Well thank you...No I would prefer you didn't write anything. I like detailed books...Novels from however many centuries ago"
"You an Austen girl?"
"How did you guess?"
"Every woman in the world loves Jane Austen..Whether they realise it or not"
"Well I am an Austen and a Bronte girl"
"Which Bronte?"
"Emily"
"The best one" he smiled at me widely. "I read science fiction because I am a man but I also like a bit of fantasy...I read the Harry Potter stories to my little girl"
"You have a little girl?"
"Yes..she is nearly four now...She loves Hogwarts...She doesn't actually say Hogwarts though she just says 'Warts'"
I took the time to picture Alice and Jasper with their child...That was a picture that would melt a thousand hearts – They would be amazing parents much better ones than I would hope to be if I ever had children in the future...I missed them so much.
"That's cute" I replied as he chuckled lightly.
There was a sudden knock at the door as Tess peered around the corner.
"Sorry to interrupt the session Doctor Owens" Tess said apologetically
"That's okay Tess I was about to finish anyway"
"There is a visitor for you, Bella....Her name is Alice" My heart soared at the mention of my sister's name...Dr Owens had gotten up from his seat and walked towards the door..He turned to me.
"A friend?"
"No...My sister"
"Well you have fun, Bella....It was nice meeting you"
"Nice meeting you too" I replied with a small smile...He was okay and I reckon this whole therapy thing would be okay to swallow for the time being if he was going to be in charge. Oliver left the room but left it open.
Alice walked in moments later with an apologetic look on her face and closed the door...I clambered up from laying down to sit on my knees as she came over to me.
"Bella I'm so-"before she could finish I had grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her into me...The tears of my pain falling down my cheeks.
"Please don't say sorry, Alice...I am fed up with people saying they are sorry...I missed you so much" I choked out as she hugged me with just as much force and more...Kissing the side of my head and stroking my hair in comfort.
"Oh, Bella...I have missed you too...We all have...It's just not the same without you at home" she stated and I cuddled into her neck further smelling the scent of her shampoo on her hair.
I stayed wrapped up in my sister for longer than most hugs were deemed necessary before pulling away and wiping the tears from my eyes...Her eyes were also watery as I stroked her cheek.
"Don't cry, Alice...Don't cry because of me" I said as she shook her head.
"I am crying because I missed you but then again being pregnant makes you cry more" I looked down at her tummy..She hadn't even formed a bump yet but her eyes excelled radiance underneath the watery surfaces...I put my hand on her tummy and leant forward to kiss the centre of her stomach just underneath her navel...She giggled under my touch.
"Well enough about us...How is everything with you. Edward said this morning that Mike came to see you last night"
I pulled my face back up to fully face her "Oh yeah he did"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to say...Well I kind of..-" I broke off.
"Bella you don't have to tell me if you don't want to...I will tell you that Emmett will be around to see you tomorrow turns out coach has given him a day off from training"
"Tell him thank you" I said "I broke up with Mike"
"Oh you did?" Alice shot me a sympathetic look as I nodded.
"Yeah...I couldn't do it to him?"
"Couldn't do what?"
"Allow him to see me like this"
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Bella"
"I know but I wouldn't want anyone putting me through this unless I made a choice on my own to stick by them"
"That's fair enough...So do you regret it?"
"I should do but I don't"
"Really?" Alice stroked her tummy with one of her hands as i giggled lightly "Sorry it's a force of habit" Alice finished
"Yes...It wouldn't have worked out anyway"
"I am glad you feel like you have made the right decision, Bella...I came here today to see you but to also say thank you"
"What do you have to thank me for?"
"For speaking to Jasper about the whole pregnancy thing...If I knew that you had rung him I would have only tried to talk you out of it...He is very grateful to you, Bella...We both are and I don't think we would have made a choice without your help"
"Really, Alice it was nothing...Oh by the way could you please not tell anyone about me and Mike...At least not yet?"
"Of course I won't, Bella....Oh I have brought something for you" she said as she reached into her bag on the bed...She pulled out my diary.
"I know you don't like anyone touching it...But I know how much you used to write in it and well I figured you might need it in here to make you feel a bit better" she said....I wasn't mad at her for touching it..If anything I was pleased that she had the thought to bring it...I took it from her grasp and wrapped my free arm around her shoulders.
"Thank you, Alice" I said into her ear and kissed her cheek.
"You're welcome, Bella" she said
*~Edward~*
Smack that
All on the floor
Smack that
Give me some more
Note to self...Change ringtone!
"Hi Jess"
"Hey pookie...How are you doing?"
"I am doing okay...I could be better"
"Shall I come round..We could go out or something...Take your mind off of things"
"No thank you for the offer, babe but I need to see Bella today...Can we reschedule for tomorrow night instead?"
"Of course...You know I am sorry about what I did to Bella aren't you?"
"Yes I know, Jess"
"I just hope that she can like me"
"I am sure she will, Jess"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too...Don't worry we will catch up tomorrow okay?"
"Okay I look forward to it...I love you"
"Me too...Bye"
I hung up the phone...I had one more hour before I would go and see Bella...The best way to do that would be to carry on playing my set for my assessment in the summer...I lifted my hands and pressed the keys to begin the song again my thoughts flying along with the melody of the keys.
*~Bella~*
I had eaten all of the jelly babies that Tess had left on the bed...I had given the packet on my bedside table a few glances but I never gave into temptation to eat the rest of them.
I had been writing away about various things since Alice left...I felt so much better now that she had come to see me and she had also kindly offered to get me some things if I was ever in need of them.
I closed my diary and put it under my pillow when my door opened.
"Bella...Edward is here" Tess sang as I put my hands in my lap and nodded at her to send him in...I ran my fingers through my hair....That's going to help Bella...You probably already look so much like shit that you belong on a horse manure pile.
Edward came in and smiled at me as I pulled a pillow up from behind me to put behind my back as I leant against it.
"Nice to see you sitting up, today" Edward said as he made his way over to me before stopping and glancing at the bedside table "there was me thinking that people usually sent others grapes whilst they were in hospital...I guess the times are changing" trust him to make not of something that I didn't care about actually I don't know why I am moaning because I was relieved just to hear his voice again.
Edward had been so great to me during my episode and I didn't know how I was ever going to make it up to him...I will have to think of something big one day to prove my point. He hadn't once complained and I admired him more for that.
"So how are you feeling, sis...You look better" he said and I smiled a little...I personally thought I looked like shit how can someone make me feel so good about myself...Because you have been hit by the train wreck that is the human heart, Bella.
"Thanks" I replied as he sat down...He immediately put his arms around my shoulders as I cuddled into his chest...This, here...This was my home...This is where I truly belonged...I only hope that he would know that one day.
"How was your day?" I asked him partly listening to the sound of his breathing and rising chest.
"It was okay...Home's horrible without you, Bella"
"I am sure it's not that bad"
"It is"
I shied away for a moment wanting to kick myself...He must miss my company as much as I missed his.
"I'm sorry" I said apologetically.
"What did I say to you last night, Bella?"
"I can't remember most of it" I admitted regretfully as he kissed my head.
"I said you should never apologise...I know that none of this was your fault, sis"
"Why does it feel like it?"
"I don't know...I have never had depression...Don't be afraid, Bella everyone has it at some point one day I will have it and you will be helping me"
"Of course I would, Edward"
"I am sorry to have to do this, sis but I said some things to my mom yesterday that I shouldn't have and in case you hear it from another person...I need to clear it up myself"
"What is it, Edward?"
"I was angry at my mom always going on about you and I said that you were the clear favourite out of all of us when it came to my parents"
"Edward, that's ridiculous" I said as I moved away from his chest looking up at him confused.
"It IS ridiculous...I am horribly stubborn and when I am angry I get even worse than my dad I am trying so hard to work on it, Bella"
"You have Jessica...Can you tell her what is bothering you?"
"I am not personal with Jessica...For obvious reasons"
"What do you mean?"
"Never tell people your inner thoughts and secrets because you never really know who to trust"
Amen to that....There was no way I was EVER going to tell Edward how I really felt about him now.
"Oh"
"Yeah...We're good but we are not personal....So I am here to say sorry in advance, Bella"
"Okay...Well...I am not the favourite and even if I was I wouldn't want it...I don't like being the centre of attention"
"I wasn't used to the change...Adapting from three to four and I went horribly about it and now I went and said something so cruel"
"We all say things when we are mad, Edward"
"Not THOSE kind of things"
"Don't worry about it"
"How is it that you can forgive me so easily?" I don't know maybe because I love you.
"You're my brother and families stick together"
"We should stick together more...You shouldn't have ended up in here"
"It's not so bad"
"Don't lie to me, Bella...You are suffering admit it?"
"Would it matter if I did?"
"How can you say that?"
"I don't know things just come out of me....Things that are so horribly negative and I hate myself for it"
"I can't do anything Bella, and I so badly want to"
"It's okay"
"No it sure as hell is not OKAY, Bella"!
"Edward...It's fine"
"I can never go right with you..."
"You treat me so well, Edward..I couldn't ask anyone for anymore" I answered as I placed my hand on his shoulder as he turned to face me...Both our faces now freakishly close together...All of a sudden Edward's lips were on mine....Oh no...Fight it, Bella...Fight it...Pull away tell him that this is wrong.
I instantly opened my mouth for him as I took his tongue from his mouth to massage it with my own...God I have missed his mouth on mine...He tasted so good and he made me feel so good. I edged myself closer into his chest as he continued to attack my mouth...I fought hard not to moan...I couldn't let him see what this was doing to me.
I had begun to turn dizzy and lightheaded when Edward pulled his lips from mine..I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me biting his lip.
"Fuck...I shouldn't have done that, Bella"
"Edward...It's-"
"No...You were vulnerable I am so sorry Bella...Again...I don't know what came over me...God what the hell is wrong with me" He flew up from the bed and ran out of my room without another word...I touched my lips as the tears begun to fall.
Now things had definitely gotten more complicated...How was I supposed to know if that was real? It couldn't be real because he had Jessica and I hadn't yet told him that I had broken up with Mike and I doubted that he would know about that already because he would have confronted me about it...Wouldn't he?
I was about to crawl back under my duvet when my door opened again for the hundredth time today.
"Bella...love is everything okay?" Tess asked...I shook my head letting a few more tears go as she ran over to sit where Edward had just been. "What is it, honey?"
"That's my brother" I choked out
"Yes...I know that, Bella...Did he upset you?"
"No...Thing is...I am in love with him...Not in the way a sister loves a brother but...the way a girl loves a boy" I managed to explain.
"Oh...That is what has been bothering you...Oh sweetheart" Tess exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around me..I sunk into her not caring that I would probably drench her uniform.
"Do you know if he feels the same way?"
"Of course he doesn't...He kissed me and it was no doubt a kiss of pity because he had seen me in here" I replied as Tess stroked my back.
"He would be a fool not to love you back, Bella"
"No...He would be SANE not to love me back"
"Don't be silly...Bella he is a man and they are so easily confused..When did your feelings for him start?"
I pulled away from Tess but kept my distance to her close...she pulled out a tissue from the box on the bedside table and handed it to me.
"Thanks...I didn't know how to kiss someone and Edward kind of taught me and the way he kissed me...I just...melted"
"I know that feeling, Bella...Let me guess you had a boyfriend and when you kissed him it wasn't the same?"
I laughed lightly in amazement "How did you know?"
"Every woman has gone through that at some stage in their lives"
"I am sorry for rambling...It just feels so good to be off my chest"
"I am not surprised being with him everyday must be torture"
"He has a girlfriend too"
"Oh god...What about your boyfriend?"
"I broke up with him yesterday when I admitted to myself properly that I was in love with my brother"
"Good god, Bella no wonder you are a mess"
"Tess...Can you please not put this on the record...I don't want Carlisle to get hold of it...At least not for the moment"
"Of course not, Bella...oh duck you must be so confused right now..."
"Yeah something like that"
"Well I am working the night shift did you want me to stay here with you for a while at least until you are tired enough to sleep?"
"If you wouldn't mind"
"It would be my honour baby girl" she replied back with a wide smile and I laid back down..Tess grabbed the bag of jelly babies off of the bedside table.
"I think I need some more babies" she said as she began to eat them..I smiled.
I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders...I had Tess to talk to about things now as I lay down my thoughts drifted towards what Oliver had said to me earlier on today.
'All you need is a purpose to get you started
A purpose
A purpose'
I HAD a purpose...It was Edward...Edward was the reason I couldn't let this illness pull me down I needed to be strong for both him and me...I needed to show everyone that beating a mental illness can be done.
You can do this, Bella....You just have to believe that everything will turn out alright.
*~Edward~*
I ran out of the hospital gaining a few concerned look from the staff...As I stepped out into the parking lot I glanced once at my parked car and then reached for my phone.
I dialled the number of the person I needed....
"Edward honey do you know what time it is?!"
"Jess we need to talk....Now"
First cliff-hanger...Sorry!
It's all heating up now!!
Thanks to the readers and also to the people who are still favouriting this story...I am back to the world of acting again tomorrow so I will update ASAP depending on how much work I get...!!
Keep reviewing and letting me know what you are all thinking in those AMAZING MINDS of yours.
Lots of love ALWAYS....X
.S.
X x x x