Author's note: This chapter might be a little different then the ones lately. And there will of course be some of you that won't like that. But at least try to remember that I was fast on updating this time. ;) And also that usually when I've taken this story down a road you didn't like I've always fixed things later. Right?
As usual I owe a lot of people a BIG thank you. This time especially Casey, Hilary and Cheyenne. A special thank you also goes out to BT because he won't go crazy when I mix fiction with a reality that is sometimes also his.
The title and Lyrics is from a beautiful song by James Blunt.
-
CHAPTER 30 – Tears And Rain
How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin…
---
It's been more than a week since Haley left the hospital and the twins are growing like weed. They're out of the isolates, now sleeping in regular cribs, and according to the doctor they are both developing just as they should. And since the boys are fine, there has also been a significant change in Haley. She seems happier, calmer and much more content.
Brooke still goes to see her everyday but now Lucas usually tags along, that is if he doesn't work in the café. Karen has about a week left until her due-date and is no longer able to wait tables.
He has been a little moody lately and he still hasn't wanted to talk about what his father wanted to see him about, but she figures he'll come around and tell her. The last couple of months their relationship has gotten so strong that they hardly ever keep secrets. He talks to her and she loves the fact that he's letting her in. Sometimes he just needs a little time first, like with Haley and the twins, and she figures that this thing with his dad is the same.
'We're unbreakable' she thinks to herself. And as she gets into Rachel's car on this Thursday afternoon, after a pretty boring day of school, she makes a mental note to call him later and tell him that she's sorry about snapping at him over the bikini this morning. And then she turns to her fiery redheaded friend.
"Hi future godmother! If we're going to the beach I need you to swing by the mall first…"
----
While Brooke is at the beach with her friends, Lucas spends Thursday afternoon at the River-court with Nathan, throwing passes at his younger brother so that Nathan can practice his jump-shot. And afterwards they both head down to Ralph's to buy food before going home to shower and change.
Because tonight they're planning a party for their girls.
It's nothing big, just their closest friends, and no alcohol. Just something to celebrate the fact that so far everything is good and that Nathan and Haley are the proud parents of twins. And something that can cheer Brooke up for feeling fat and bloated. Rachel planned most of it, and apparently she thinks that this is needed and can suffice as a stand-in baby shower. So he and Nathan does what Rachel tells them and tonight they will all have dinner at Nathan's and Haley's. Mouth, Skills, Bevin, Peyton and Rachel. Even Jake is coming.
Walking up and down the isles in the supermarket Lucas again tries to bring up the subject of their father's evil antics to his brother but just as before it falls on deaf ears. He and Nathan has hung out a lot the last week since he got over his hospital-phobia and he has told Nathan bits and pieces about his meeting with Dan. And every time, Nathan just seems to shrug it off. Not at all like himself. And maybe that is why he hasn't gathered the courage to share his worries of the 'bad father-curse'.
Now when he makes a subtle try to bring the subject up again Nathan sighs and throws the snacks he's holding into the cart.
"Luke, dad is an asshole… We've known that for some time now, right? Just try not to let him get to you." He pats him on the shoulder. "Now, let's finish this and go home. Talking about the dude just ruins the night. Go get some soda instead."
And to Nathan that seems to be the end of the conversation. But for Lucas, who heads down the isle to find drinks, everything around starts reminding him of the huge responsibility that being a father will bring, and all the ways in which he might fail. The price-tag on top of an enormous pile of diaper-packages, a father that yells at his toddler in the isle in front of him. A kid screaming at the top of her lungs over by the candy-shelf. And a young teenage-mother with three out of control children running around her legs as she's yelling at her not much older boyfriend. It all seems surreal, not at all like he has pictured life with Brooke and their baby and yet he can't help but wonder why they would have it differently.
'Because we love each other' he thinks. 'Because we talk about stuff, and we're honest…'
And they have been honest. Honest and truthful. Letting each other know that they both have there fears, but that they're in this together. He's going to tell Brooke about this new fear too, it's just different this time because usually she's the one that's scared or insecure and he's the one that comforts her. Sure, he worries. But that's usually more about her health or money.
Then again, if Nathan could be this carefree, with his babies being born so small, then he shouldn't worry so much either. He and Brooke are good. Even if he doesn't always understand her.
After the two last years of relationships with girls, there are still a lot of things that Lucas can't get his head around, not only when it comes to Brooke. To him it seems like all females around him have a somewhat 'crazy' and irrational side. Like for example, when his mom turns the whole house upside down in a wild cleaning frenzy even though it already looks spotless, or when Haley throws a fit because Nathan de-alphabetized their cd-collection. Peyton, when he used to hang out with her more often, was usually just always moody, but now and again even she becomes all girlie and weird, like lately when she seemed to have changed her entire wardrobe in favor or of clothes in pastel colors that honestly didn't suit her. And Rachel… yeah, well he would probably never understand how the redhead thinks; the last days had proven that for sure.
But the queen of sudden irrational behavior has always been and would always be his beautiful girlfriend; Brooke Penelope Davis. And smiling he thinks back to earlier this morning.
When Lucas entered their bedroom after having breakfast, the first thing he saw was pieces of clothing thrown everywhere. In the middle of it all Brooke stood looking more than annoyed. And suppressing the laughter that built inside him he stepped into the room.
"Are you looking for something special baby?" he asked as soon as he was sure that his voice was serious enough.
She looked over at him, a little flushed like if she had just taken a quick jog around the block, and she tucked her hair behind her ears in a completely adorable way.
"My bikini-top…" she mumbled and went back to throwing things out of the closet and onto the floor. "I need to find the red one…"
Perplexed he wondered why she needed her bikini at seven thirty in the morning but since he felt a tantrum coming he didn't question her reasons. Instead he opened the nearest drawer in the chest next to him and pulled out the item she wanted.
"You mean this?"
Without answering she took it from him and pulled her tank top over her head. He smiled while watching her trying to put the bikini-top on. Not because he had already figured out that it wouldn't fit her noticeably larger boobs, but because she looked so beautiful almost naked with her big belly.
When the clasp wouldn't close she sighed and threw it on the floor with the rest of all the clothes before slumping down on the bed, dressed in only a pair of boy-shorts.
"I can't go…" she muttered and he let his smile shrink away when he saw her disappointment. "None of them fit me! Not even the striped one that used to be two sizes too big…"
"And the pink one?" he asked carefully and sat down next to her. "Isn't that one kind of stretchy?"
With a sigh that clearly told him that she found him extremely stupid she gave him an irritated look.
"They're all stretchy Luke! It's Lycra. Bikinis are supposed to be stretchy. Okay, so I have that suede-one and that one doesn't really stretch… but that's a tanning bikini and not made for swimming. All swimming ones are made out of a material that is elastic and… god, I don't even know why I bother to try and explain this to you! You can't even tell cotton from denim!"
He shrugged as if to say 'I'm sorry' but he still couldn't figure out why she wanted to wear a bikini to school. So he told her that, making her let out an even deeper sigh.
"Rachel and Bevin are going to the beach again after school today and they asked me to come with them. But from the looks of it I'll be wearing a big loose t-shirt, and I really don't want to do that. I did it last week, remember? And I ended up sitting there like some stupid tent while Rachel flirted with all the cute lifeguards…"
Lucas chose to block out the last comment about the lifeguards and instead he pulled Brooke in for a hug.
"This isn't really the problem, is it?" he said softly. He knew that if finding a bikini that would fit was the only issue, then his girlfriend would just swing by the mall on her way to the beach and pick up some new over-prized little strings of fabric. But something else seemed to be the matter and he kissed her temple to encourage her to tell him.
She detangled herself from him for a second to be able to put her tank-top back on, and in a way he was grateful. Trying to be the supportive understanding boyfriend proved to be pretty hard as long as her upper body was naked. But then she was back leaning against him and he wrapped his arms around her and breathed in the scent of green apples from her hair.
"Is there something else on your mind Brooke?"
"Not really… I think being pregnant is enough, don't you? I guess this whole thing is still making me a little nervous. And it's just two weeks left of school… everything is just moving so fast…"
She pouted, pushing her bottom lip out towards him and he resisted the urge of sucking it in between his own lips. She didn't look sad, just stubborn in that typical Brooke-way that he loved, so he didn't feel as if he needed to comfort her. Instead he raised an eyebrow saying;
"And going to the beach with Rachel and Bevin in a sexy bikini would make all this go away?"
For the third time she sighed loudly and the got off the bed with one hand pressed to the small of her back. And when she reached the door she turned and rolled her eyes at him.
"I swear, sometimes you're just sooo slow! You're damn lucky I love you."
Then she left the room in a queen-like grace that was amazing for someone being seven and a half months pregnant and slammed the door behind her. And he thought that; yes, there were still so many things that he didn't understand about the makings of Brooke Davis. But he's getting there. And he knew that she was right.
Now, hours later in the afternoon, he still knows it. He's very lucky that she loves him, because he loves her too. Loves her like crazy…
Nathan comes up behind him and he puts the sodas in the cart with the rest of their shopping. He must be still smiling sheepishly because Nathan laughs.
"Nude or just semi-naked?" his brother asks and he looks back at him confused.
"What?"
"You're thinking about Brooke, right? You always get that look when you picture her and with a smile like that I just figured she's probably naked…"
He laughs again, and this time Lucas joins in. The more he laughs, the more he's sure. As long as they have each other, they'll be fine. As long as he has Brooke, he'll be fine.
-
When they return home his worried mood is long gone and Lucas finds himself actually relaxing for the first time in days. Haley arrives first and she seems surprised and happy about what they have planned. Then Mouth, Skills and Jake arrive together, with Peyton following shortly after.
And then Rachel and Bevin finally bring Brooke home. A Brooke that looks tanned and happy, and when she sees what he and Nathan has done her smile is so wide that it practically stretches over her entire face, making her dimples look like happy moon-craters.
"Are you trying to score, huh?" she murmurs leaning into him and he wraps his arms around her and holds her close whispering "Always".
"Then I'd say you're doing a pretty good job boyfriend…"
Her raspy voice sends shivers down his spine and he trails the side of her breast and waist with his fingertips, wishing that they could be alone for a little while. But then Haley comes and pulls Brooke away to show her something and just when she's about to walk out of the living room she turns and mouths 'later…' making him wish for privacy even more.
She looks like a dream to him. The pregnant look suits her more than he thought possible and he has to really concentrate to remember what she looked like when they first started dating. She looks a lot different nowadays and not just because of the belly, but because she seems more at peace. Maybe happier… The summer-dress she wears flows freely around her tanned legs and as he watches her run off into the other room with Hales, he wishes that she'd turn around, come back and sit on his lap and let him nuzzle his nose in the crook of her neck. Let him draw in that scent of green apples and strawberry lipgloss and kiss her for hours and hours. But there's time for that later, he thinks. Lots of time.
The next time he finds her she's sitting with Nathan by the kitchen table talking about some old basketball/cheerleader-camp and he joins them. Haley and Peyton busy themselves with the food and surprisingly Rachel offers to help, and soon the small kitchen is filled with laughter and the clinking of pots and pans.
Skills pops his head through the door, requesting to see the videotape of the childbirth, but Haley just laughs at this saying that thankfully there isn't one and even if there was she would have either hidden it or burned it. Apparently she hadn't been too nice to the people around her while going into labor. And Skills disappointedly disappears back into the living-room to watch the game with Mouth.
Haley laughs and looks at Lucas. "Seriously Luke, has Skills always been like this or is Bevin rubbing off on him?"
He just rolls his eyes at his childhood best friend.
"Think about it Hales… the guy taped 'Nature Channel'…"
----
Dinner is a happy event with lots of laughter and reminiscing. And afterwards Brooke joins the guys in the living room and she cuddles up with Lucas on the couch. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her temple softly before he goes back to his basketball-discussion. The statistics and draft-picks soon bore her and she lazily trails her fingertips against his wrist.
"Rub my feet?" she asks and bats her eyelashes at him but the extra effort to trick him into it isn't needed. With a smile he does what she asks him. 'I'm lucky' she thinks. 'I have a great guy. And though he has been acting a little strange these last couple of days I'm sure that it's just a faze. He's just nervous, that's all, and if Dan would just leave him alone…'
Her thoughts are interrupted by Skills who picks a tape out from the shelf and winks at Lucas.
"I bet it's this one. Who the hell would seriously name a tape 'Nathan scores'? It has to be a code."
"What are you talking about?" Lucas says to him laughing, and pulls her a bit closer.
"The video-tape from the twins birth. It's this one, I swear! I heard stuff like that is really cool. And Haley is the most organized person I ever met. She damn near has OCD, man. Of course she filmed it."
Brooke giggles against Lucas' chest. "She had a c-section Skills. You know that's surgical, right?"
Skills just shrugs and pushes the tape into the VCR anyway. And within seconds a much younger looking Nathan appears on the screen. It seems to be a recording from a game in junior high and even though Skills seems a little disappointed he leaves the tape rolling.
"God, look at our hair!" Brooke squeals when she sees herself and Peyton appear in the line of young cheerleaders. "Peyton! Nathan! Come look at this!"
She half-hides behind a cushion but giggles at the sight of them all being so small. Peyton looks like a popsicle with her skinny boyish body and big curly hair and she herself wears way to much lipstick making her look like a clown.
"Peyton!" she shouts again towards the kitchen. "Come on, it's the CoolAid cup!"
Peyton calls back that she's coming but Nathan is nowhere in sight. Haley offers to go get him but Brooke pushes herself off the couch and laughs. "No, let me. I wanna see his face when he remembers that ugly haircut."
She meets Peyton in the door and her former best friend takes one look at the TV-screen before bursting out in laughter.
"B Davis! Did your mom know you wore your skirt that short?"
They share their first genuine smile in ages and Brooke raises an eyebrow. "Of course not P Sawyer. How could she? I always changed at your house."
--
Nathan puts the phone down just as Brooke skips into the bedroom with a huge smile on her face.
He has just called the NICU to check on Josh and James and hearing that they're sleeping well he feels much better.
"Whats up with you?" he laughs at the giggly brunette. "You look happy."
And she does.
"Skills found an old videotape from the CoolAid Cup. Remember? In Green Oaks? You look ridiculous! You have to come look!"
He laughs and shakes his head at her. Leave it to Brooke Davis to become ecstatic over some old memorabilia. He walks towards the livingroom with Brooke in a tow, and hearing everybody laughing in there he actually gets a little curious. But then the laughter stops and the entire apartment turns dead silent.
Nathan stops in the doorway to the living-room and he can feel Brooke walking right into his back. And then he hears her gasp. The room goes even more quiet and for a couple of seconds the only thing heard is the sounds from the video-tape. Where the hell had Skills found this? Hadn't he thrown it away years ago?
Like in an out of body experience he can hear Lucas say; "What the hell is this?" but in his ears it sounds distant and faint.
He stands frozen, watching himself on the 50 inch screen as he hovers over the much younger Brooke kissing her neck and chest, and he cringes. They both look like kids… Nobody was ever supposed to know this…
And then he snaps out of his shock.
"Skills, what the fuck! Turn that off!"
Strangely enough no one is really looking at him and Skills isn't reacting. Everybody seems to look between the TV and at Brooke, Lucas or his wife. Haley has her hand over mouth, watching the TV with an expression that cuts straight into his heart, and Peyton stands stiff like a board, shooting daggers at Brooke with her eyes.
Brooke is growing paler and paler and her big green eyes are blinking like if she's trying to figure out what it is that she is witnessing on the television-screen. The screen that still shows her in just her underwear, with his own hands all over her body.
"Turn it off man!" he says again, harsher this time, and Skills finally reacts. And just as the TV-version of himself starts pulling down Brooke's panties, the screen goes black.
-
Seconds pass but to Lucas it feels like years. The sound from the TV is the only thing heard but inside of his head there is a loud noise that he soon recognizes as his own heartbeat. Shocked he looks at Brooke and then at Nathan. Then back at Brooke. She's still staring at the blank screen on the other side of the room and he notices how she's holding the doorframe as if to steady herself.
If it weren't so strange he'd say that she looks as shocked as himself. Shocked and embarrassed.
Finally she seems to snap out of her apathy and he watches as she turns to Peyton who in turn looks like she's about to explode. All their movements seem too slow for him, as if it's all moving in slow-motion, and just as in the supermarket earlier he gets the feeling of it all being surreal.
He looks at his brother instead and opposed to Brooke, that is looking totally shocked like if she has no idea what is going on and still tries to grasp what is happening around her, Nathan bares a face of guilt, embarrassment and panic. He stutters something about this being before he and Peyton dated but Lucas isn't listening. There is a war going on inside him and he feels like he's about to split in half. Brooke slept with his brother… Nathan had touched Brooke. Kissed her, undressed her… his brother had… Suddenly he feels like throwing up.
"You slept with Nathan?" the curly blonde hisses venomously. "You seriously fucking slept with my boyfriend?!"
As the entire room watches his girlfriend with shocked eyes, Brooke shakes her head, repeating what he thought he heard Nathan say, but with a surprisingly calm voice;
"Listen Peyton, this was long before you and Nathan, okay? This was not while you two were dating… I would never do that to you."
Peyton doesn't seem to listen. Her eyes turn to slits but yet she hasn't moved. "Do you think I'm stupid? How many times Brooke? How many times did he go from my bed to yours at night, huh?"
"Come on Peyton. It was in freaking freshmen-year. It was ONE time, one drunken night where two single people wanted to have some fun… I'm not like you!"
This time Brooke's voice has a little more edge to it and she faces Peyton with poise. Everybody else in room is still eerie quiet and the blonde girl that he used to think that he was in love with takes the few steps over to his girlfriend. And before he or anyone else can react Peyton lifts her hand and hits Brooke hard right in the face. The sound of impact is loud and Brooke stumbles back almost tripping. But Rachel grabs her arm and safely gets her up again.
Acting on pure instinct he grabs Peyton, much harder than he's planned to, and jerks her around to face him.
"Are you crazy?! She's pregnant Peyton! What the hell are you doing!?"
His voice is loud but Peyton doesn't even flinch. She just stubbornly looks right back at him. "I don't give a shit!" she hisses. "All this time she's been giving us grief, making us feel like horrible people, when she slept with my boyfriend years ago!" She turns to Brooke again, spitting out; "How could you?!" and her voice is laced with disgust and venom.
He too turns to look at Brooke, torn between anger and worry, and she looks back at him blankly. Honestly he wants to know the same thing; How could she?
"Lucas…" she says slow and calmly, with her palm still covering the side of her face. "Please tell her I would never do that…"
Peyton makes an incoherent sound. But Brooke doesn't look at her. Instead her eyes linger on Peyton's arm, which he still holds in a firm grip. She looks at him again, still waiting on the answer to her request.
"Lucas?" she says again, this time with her eyebrow raised in a question. "You do understand that this was before I knew you, right?"
If he didn't know her as well as he did he'd think she was almost untouched by this entire ordeal, but little things give her embarrassment away and he can see that she's getting more and more uncomfortable. Her eyes dart from him to Haley and then back again.
"Lucas? …Haley?"
Peyton probably takes their silence as an evidence of them both being on her side because her mouth stretches out in a Cheshire-cat grin.
"Maybe now they'll understand your true nature Brooke" she taunts. "Your not so well hidden slutty side…"
This time it's Brooke's hand that fly through the air but just before hitting Peyton's face, she stops. Her hand freezes in mid-air and then slowly falls back down to the side of her body.
"You're not worth it..." she says coldly. " I'm surprised that after all these years, you still don't seem to know one thing about me Peyton. But I have nothing to prove to you, because we both know who's right here. And don't go trying to recruit my boyfriend, he knows me. And he knows this means nothing. As I said - I'm not like you. I don't go after guys that my friends date. That's more your style…"
Peyton heatedly hisses back "You bitch!", probably furious at the self-control and calm his girlfriend displays. And even though he honestly doesn't know what to believe he still feels like he has to keep the girls apart before a regular catfight breaks out.
"I think its time you shut up now Peyton…" he says with a low voice that he doesn't even recognize himself. "Don't make a fool of yourself."
Her head snaps back and her eyes meet his, looking hurt. "You're defending her?! She's made us feel bad for almost two years for what we did and she never even told me she slept with my first boyfriend. And by the look on your face I'd say she didn't tell you either. But that's Brooke Davis for you… A manipulative… little… liar!"
Peyton stresses the last three words with ice in her voice and the reality starts to seep into his brain. Brooke had kept this from him. She probably never planned on telling him this… Was there other things that he didn't know?
He looks back at Brooke and he blinks to block out the flash-backs from the tape.
Peyton is still yelling and finally it's Nathan that snaps;
"Cut the fucking crap Peyt! It's not her fault, okay? She never did anything to you and if Brooke had known then that you and I would get together she would never have touched me. You know that. Anything else is just bullshit."
There is a fire-hot anger in his brother's eyes, almost matching the one that Peyton shows, and for some reason it makes Lucas even more uncomfortable that Nathan stands up for Brooke. Peyton seems to feel the same way because she yells;
"Stop lying!"
"I'm not lying. And neither is Brooke. You're the one that needs to stop throwing bricks in glass-houses Peyton. We didn't betray you, and I think you know that."
Nathan looks at the blonde intently and she doesn't break his gaze. So he continues. "Brooke and I happened before I knew something was going to happen with us and long before she even knew there was going to be a Lucas in her life. But you want to talk about some lying Peyt? Because I don't think you want me to go there."
Lucas kind of knows where this is going. And as he looks at Peyton, he knows that she does too. And all he wants to do is shut Nathan up before it gets any further, realizing that this probably includes him.
"I always knew that you and Lucas were going to happen. Ever since that night at the Rivercourt. But I wouldn't have imagined it happening the way it did. You went behind Brooke's back Peyton! You knew how much she cared about him. How much she cared about you. And you took that for granted. You looked her straight in the eyes and lied to her fucking face. So before you go around spitting those words into her face, you better take a look in the mirror."
Peyton freezes, tears in her eyes, and Lucas turns to Brooke to find that she is already looking at him. But then she turns away, her eyes seeking Peyton.
"Don't look so surprised Peyton. My wife is her best friend." And with that his brother turns around to look at Haley.
Haley bares a look of mixed emotions. She looks sad, but at the same time he recognizes something that looks almost like motherly proudness. Probably because Nathan is standing up for Brooke, something that he himself should be doing ... but for some reason, can't.
And at that point Lucas has had enough. Looking at Brooke breaks his heart. Hearing Nathan try to explain makes him nauseous and Peyton's shrieking voice makes him crazy. All he wants is to get out of there because by now Haley starts to walk over the room towards him and he seriously can't stand to look up and see that she is as hurt as he himself is feeling.
So instead he turns and starts to walk towards the door, pushing past Jake and Rachel, and then Brooke grabs his arm. Electrical jolts shoots through him, but not the pleasant ones he usually gets when she touches him.
"No Brooke."
At his words she retracts her hand as if burned, but then says his name silently and almost pleading and he just shakes his head. "No, I can't look at you right now… I'll wait in the car…"
And then he leaves.
He can hear Nathan and Peyton start fighting again and Haley's voice seeps into the mix but he doesn't turn around. He just wants to get away.
----
I've heard what they say
But I'm not here for trouble
It's more than just words
It's just tears and rain
Brooke closes her eyes and tries to remember that night long ago when she hooked up with Nathan but the few things she has any recollection of is just a drunken blur. As soon as she saw the tape she knew it had happened, but she still can't remember how and why. Dreamlike and scattered fragments that really doesn't help with making her memory any clearer just keeps popping up in her mind but she can't seem to sort them out.
She dries the tears off of her face with the sleeve of Lucas' sweater and reaches for her cell-phone. Her hands are shaking and it is past midnight but she has to do this. She can't put off this call until tomorrow.
She feels small and lonely in Lucas' bedroom and she has no idea where he is. He had basically just dropped her off here and left again. And for the first time in months she isn't sure if he is coming back. Because the way he looked at her just after the tape had been played had been with pure disgust and the things he said to her in the car on the way home…
First she had felt furious that he didn't believe her but then the anger had faded and she kept thinking that he just needed to calm down. That all this was just a shock for him. She should have told him about this… but then on the other hand, she would have if she had just remembered it.
As the call connects she holds her breath. And when the person answers on the other side she is surprised, because she had been sure that she would have to ramble her lame excuses to an answering-machine. And except for Lucas, this person is the only one she needs to make peace with. The only one she really doesn't want to hurt.
"Brooke?"
Haley's voice is tired and Brooke tries to keep herself from crying. Haley is her best friend and she's more than afraid that this stupid thing will ruin everything between them. Yet this call is not primarily about saving their friendship. This is about making sure that Haley and Nathan are okay because if tonight's revelations had destroyed their marriage in any way, she would never forgive herself. If she had to take all the blame for this, she would. Haley and Nathan had enough on their plate with their little baby-boys and they really didn't need this drama on top of everything.
"Please don't hang up" she blurts out. "I need you to know that I didn't mean to keep this a secret from you Haley… I swear I didn't even remember that it happened until tonight… I must have blocked it out…"
She prepares for the yelling and the harsh words. The crying and the clicking sound of Haley hanging up on her. The coldness Lucas had shown her. But instead there's a long silence and then Haley just sighs.
"I know that. Nathan and I have been talking for hours…"
Brooke chokes back a sob. "Don't be mad at him Haley. He loves you so much. It was all so long ago and it was just that one time… we were just drunk and young and curious… and did I mention that we were very drunk and…"
She rambles nervously, clutching the phone as if holding on to Haley herself. She thinks about all the fun she and Haley has had over the last year and a half, about all the times that Haley had been there for her, and about the babies. About how she wouldn't get to be their godmother now… Then Haley interrupts;
"I know Brooke. Just stop talking. It's okay."
"What?"
"Listen, after Lucas' heart-attack, when you slept at our house, Nathan behaved very strangely. The same thing when you almost miscarried. I think he tried telling me then because he told me that you and him had a past that we needed to discuss. I probably figured it out, I just didn't want to know so I told him that." Haley sighs again and Brooke can hear Nathan say something with a soft voice in the background before her friend continues;
"I said; Nathan, whatever you and Brooke had or did, I don't want to know. It really doesn't matter anymore. I you know what Brooke? I still feel that way. I'm not thrilled that you and Nathan slept together but it's not that shocking that you did. I mean, captains of the basketball team and the cheer-squad… In a highschool drama for TV you guys would probably have been the it-couple. But you're not. Nathan loves me, you love Lucas. And most of all, it's almost three years ago… I didn't even know Nathan other then by name back then."
Brooke is totally confused now. Haley had known about this for weeks and she hadn't said a word about it. All the afternoons she had spent with Haley in the hospital and not one time had Haley brought this up…
"But…" she starts with a cracked up voice, but Haley interrupts her again.
"I know you're sorry Brooke. I saw it on your face earlier and I hear it in your voice now. And Nathan told me that you probably don't even remember that night. He feels really bad for all of this, you know."
Brooke cries openly now. It's like a huge weight has lifted from her shoulders knowing that at least Haley doesn't hate her for this.
"I love you Haley…" she sobs into the phone.
"I love you too Brooke. This thing is small compared to the wonderful friendship and support you've given me the last two years. I would have forgiven you for more than this."
Then Haley actually lets out a small giggle. "Just don't ever sleep with my husband again."
-------
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold
How I wish I had screamed out loud
Instead I've found no meaning
Brooke sits up on the bed when Lucas returns and she looks so insecure and fragile. He can see that she's been crying and that she needs him to say something. Anything. But he doesn't. Instead he walks over and kneels on the bed in front of her, and before she can react to it he grabs her face between his hands and kisses her forcefully.
He is still angry but he needs to see if kissing her is the same now that he knows. So he pries her mouth open with his tongue and painfully enough, it is. He loves her just the same as a couple of hours ago, before Skills pushed the play-button on the VCR. But he feels so discouraged. How could she have kept a thing like this from him all this time? And how the fuck could Nathan?
It had been bad enough when the entire school had seen his girlfriend topless in her time-capsule video. Now, all his friends had seen her naked, making out with his brother. And it didn't stop there…
He can feel all the emotion she is putting in her response of his hard kiss and he knows that she is afraid of what will happen when they pull apart. And he is too. He just wants to erase this entire evening. And kissing her is rushed, stupid. He knows it. Especially since they hadn't said a word to each other since their fight in the car a couple of hours ago.
"Why are you looking at me like that? I wasn't even sixteen Lucas! It was more than two and a half years ago and I didn't even know you back then!"
He threw his hands out in frustration. "You still slept with my brother, how would you suggest that I'd feel about it? Happy?"
"Technically I didn't sleep with him… we were too drunk to pull it off…"
"But it's on tape Brooke! What were you thinking?!"
Brooke was starting to get angry amongst her guilt, he could see that. He tried to keep his eyes on the road but Brooke now turned towards him.
"I told you!" she yelled, "We didn't think, we were drunk! I was completely wasted! I hardly even remember that it happened!!"
"But Nathan, Brooke! Nathan!"
He sounded like a broken record, yelling as well now, and Brooke's eyes filled with tears.
"I know that he's your brother Lucas… And I know how wrong all of this is. But when it happened, I didn't know that you were related. I didn't know that you existed!"
He slammed his hand into the steering wheel and turned to face her. Luckily the streets were empty by this time at night, because by then he wasn't really paying attention to traffic.
"You know…" he hissed and squinted in anger, "when I started going out with you, everyone told be that you had a slutty side to you. I thought they just didn't know the real you, but if you were experienced enough to screw in front of a camera when you were fifteen years old…then I'd say they were right…"
Then he stopped the car in the street outside his house and got out without waiting for her.
He keeps his eyes closed while kissing her. Looking at her hurts since he can't stop picturing his brother's hands on her naked body, but when she pulls back he's forced to open his eyes again.
"Where were you?" she whispers and he shrugs.
"Nowhere. I just walked…"
She swallows hard but she doesn't turn her eyes away from him. And somewhere in all of his anger he is impressed by her courage and pride. And a part of him wants to take back all the things he said in their argument. But most of him just wants to scream.
"Listen" he says, "I'm really tired and I'm going to go out in the livingroom and crash on the
couch. I just wanted to come in here and tell you that this doesn't mean that we are over… But it might change things Brooke."
She swallows again and her bottom lip is trembling. When he starts to get up she grabs his hand.
"Luke… just two things…"
"Yeah?"
"I was so different before we met, you have to remember that... I didn't know back then that I would love you so utterly and completely… I don't even think that I knew what love felt like…"
He nods silently and she unwillingly lets go of his hand. The sheet has fallen down from her body and he can't help but to look at her rounded belly before he starts to leave the room. It pains him so much to leave her alone in the big bed. He knows she will probably cry herself to sleep and he's torn between worrying about his pregnant girlfriend and being disgusted at what she had done. So when he reaches the doorway he turns and looks back.
"And the other thing?"
A single tear slides down her porcelain cheek.
"I'm sorry…"
-
Lucas can't sleep. The couch feels lumpy and hard and he keeps getting tangled in the sheet. The summer-night is hot and he feels like there isn't enough air in the room. And most of all, every time he closes his eyes he keeps seeing Nathan on top of Brooke's naked body.
And every time it happens it's followed by Nathan's voice saying; "Nude or just semi-naked?" Although now, the comment his brother dropped earlier in the store has gotten a whole new meaning…
The tape hadn't shown them having sex, but in the dark living-room his mind runs amok and he can clearly picture what he would have seen had Skills not stopped the tape. In his head he can hear Brooke's typical moans of pleasure, see the way she bites her lower lip when she's being touched the way she likes to. Picture the way Nathan's hands grab her curves and that damn smirk on Nathan's lips as he looked into the camera. And for the hundredth time he has to open his eyes to get rid of the mental image.
With eyes wide open he stares up into the ceiling. Tries to be rational and figure out why neither Brooke nor Nathan had told him this before. But nothing comes to mind. No excuses, no explanations. None other than that they both knew that it was wrong and that they were ashamed of it. Maybe they had even done this again since then and that's why they hadn't told… Maybe Peyton was right?
Twisting and turning in the heat he thinks about Haley. She had looked shocked but not at all as crushed as he would have imagined that a wife would be when seeing her husband having sex with her best friend on videotape. Maybe she already knew? Maybe he had been the only one that didn't?
Questions without answers keeps raging his mind and finally he just gives up on the thought of sleeping and walks into the kitchen to get some water. The light isn't turned on so it's not until he flicks the switch that he sees his brunette girlfriend standing lent against the kitchen counter. She jumps a little and looks at him with a startled expression.
"Oh… Lucas… I'm sorry if I woke you" she says and looks back into the linoleum carpet.
He doesn't answer. He just walks right passed her and fills a glass with water before emptying it in a couple of big gulps. As he puts the glass down again he can feel her watching him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he mutters and turns to face her. Her eyes are red-rimmed and she looks about as tired as he's feeling. Strangely enough it just makes him angry. She has no right to feel sorry for herself, not when he is breaking inside. Not when she is the guilty one. She and his backstabbing brother.
She clears her throat.
"I told you…" she says silently. "I didn't even remember it. Maybe I had suppressed it… it was just so long ago Luke, and I didn't…"
"Spare me. How could you just 'forget', huh? I'd say that's a little too convenient to be credible."
His tone is hard and her eyes wander away from his. Sighing she says; "I said I was sorry, truly sorry. But what do you want me to? I'm not proud of what you saw tonight, I'm not proud of a lot of things. But the truth is; that was who I used to be. I don't do regrets Luke, I don't go around trying to change my past to make myself feel better. To make the people I love feel better. I just… I can't change this!"
And maybe this is the reason for the flaming anger that's eating away on his insides. She can't change it. And neither can he. From now on he will always know that she has slept with his brother. Every time he'll see them in a room together he'll be thinking about what they had shared and right now he's not sure if he can handle that. But most of all he's furious at her for not telling him. He loves her more then life but he needs to be able to trust her. After all they've been through he needs her to trust him. And this is just another piece of evidence that she doesn't.
"You're right!" he snaps. "You can't change it. And I can't change how I feel about this either Brooke. I don't want to think about you with him, but every time I close my eyes I see the two of you together. How could you do this to me? Nathan is my god damn brother!"
This time she pushes herself off the counter and meets his eyes looking a lot more annoyed than sad.
"Grow up Lucas! I didn't do this to you! I didn't even know you for Christ's sake. You and Nathan hated each other back then, remember? If you want to hate me for what I did with Chris, then go ahead. But what happened that night with Nate, that has nothing to do with you. Or with Haley for that matter. I was friends with Nathan long before you and I even met! Sleeping with him was my choice. Mine! And I won't let you judge me for that!"
She is practically yelling now and he knows that they'll wake his mother if they keep this up. Frustrated he throws his hands out and hisses; "Why? You'll throw the Peyton-thing in my face if I do? I defended you against her because she was out of line, but seriously…"
Brooke takes a step back as if he has just hit her. And her bottom lip is trembling with both anger and hurt.
"No. Don't compare this Lucas, don't you fucking dare! What you and Peyton did behind my back was not right! Nathan and I were both single when we hooked up. That is the only thing that matters. That and the fact that I'm not the same person I was back than."
Lucas squints and lowers his voice even more; "Different, huh? How can I be sure about that?"
The furious look that had just been on his girlfriend's face falls off and she stares back at him for a couple of seconds, blankly as if wondering if she heard him correctly. And then her hands falls down to her sides and her shoulders slope, making her whole body-language look defeated.
"You can't, but you should…" she says with a hallow voice that is just slightly higher than a whisper. "You should because I love you Lucas, I am in love with you. You should know that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. But you standing here, looking at me like I'm not the Brooke that you fell in love with, well I'm not sure you do. I just don't ..."
Pausing, she lets out a sigh. And this time when she talks, he has to lean in a little to hear.
"I just don't think you know me then."
The venom of anger still seeps through him and he just can't seem stop himself;
"No, maybe I don't. Because if I did I would have seen this coming. I don't even know why I'm surprised… What's that expression? Once a slut…"
The second the words leave his lips he knows he has gone to far and her palm hits his cheek with a loud slap. His skin stings with pain but the hurt in her eyes is much worse.
"How dare you." she seethes, a dangerous mix of hurt and furry in her voice. "I'm so fucking tired of your bullshit Lucas! You say you love me, but to love me you have got to know me. Which you clearly don't! I mean seriously, what is this? You want me to be all innocent in the eyes of others. You paint this image , of me being a virgin with no past. But than behind closed doors, you want me to have my wicked way with you. You love having sex with me, god knows this enormous belly is proof of that! But god forbid I had a life before I met you! You knew I wasn't a virgin when you came into my life and it never bothered you before!"
She lets out a frustrated breath and shakes her dark hair out of her eyes in one quick motion. "I'm not fifteen anymore! I've changed, I've grown up and I started living my life differently, partly for you. But you just won't let me! For some damn reason you're treating me like I'm still the little whore you met last year! And if that's the girl you think I am, than why are we having this baby Lucas? Why did you talk me into this and why the hell did you make me fall in love with you!
At the last words she shoves his chest making him stumble backwards a little
and by now they are both fuming.
"What are you saying Brooke? That I made you keep the baby? Are you insane?!"
"That's not what I said! Don't you dare twist my words around to suit you! At first , maybe I did keep this baby for you, because you wanted me to. But than I came around to the idea of us being parents. Right now though, I'm seriously questioning whether or not that was a good decision. And what makes you think you've never done anything wrong! What makes you think that you're so damn perfect Lucas Scott?!"
The blood in his veins turns to ice. She did not just say she regretted their baby, did she?
"Well, if you didn't want my child then maybe you shouldn't have kept it" he hisses. "God forbid she turns out anything like you!"
In a matter of seconds her face turns pale. Her hands move to her belly, as if to cover the baby inside her from their fight, and the first tears leave her eyes. Although it's not tears of sadness. It looks more like tears of pure anger.
"Screw you!" she breathes and takes a step towards him. He gets ready for the second slap but it never comes. Instead she pushes past him and grabs her car-keys on the table before heading for the front door. She's wearing nothing more than a pair of loose pj-pants and a tank-top and she's barefoot, but she swings the door open.
"Brooke… it's 3am!"
She turns back one more time. "So? I'd rather spend the night in my car then in here with you. There's nothing in here for me. Nothing!"
After that she slams the door shut behind her and leaves. And he stands there replaying the events of the last hours wondering how a relationship could go from being perfect to this in less then a day.
Suddenly he wishes that he could just rewind time to earlier in the day. That he could keep Skills from playing the tape so that this whole fight would be avoided. Too much had just been said between him and Brooke and even though he's still high on adrenaline he realizes that this hadn't been just a little disagreement.
As he watches the car's tail-lights disappearing down the street he thinks that he should be more mature than this. He should calm down and go after her. Talk to her rationally about this and tell her that all this is because he is just so scared. So damn scared of losing her to someone else and to not be enough for her and their soon to come daughter. But he can't. So he lets her go and when he can't see her car any longer he slowly walks over to the kitchen table and sits down, resting his head in his hands. He needs to think.
What the hell had he just done? Maybe this was the failure that his father predicted…
----
I guess it's time I run
Far, far away
find comfort in pain
All pleasure's the same
It just keeps me from trouble
Brooke drives for almost an hour. Just follows the road, out of Tree Hill and on in to the next small town community, and then the next. Finally she runs low on gas and she really doesn't want to go into a gas station barefoot and in her PJ's, so she parks the car on a small street and leans her head back towards the head-rest.
She feels like her life is no longer her life. For months she has been so happy. Hers and Lucas' relationship has gone so well and it has felt safe to live with him and Karen. She has been happy about the baby and about them moving out on their own soon and going to college. At least she thought that what she had felt was happiness, but now as she sits alone in the car, parked on the dark street, she starts to question it all.
She had made so many changes in her life the last year and a half. Most of them good ones. But thinking about it while tears start running down her cheeks she can't make out if she did these changes for herself or for Lucas. And if she had done them only for him, then where the hell would that leave her now?
And then she questions her self about keeping the baby. Raindrops start to fall on the windshield and within minutes it's developed to a heavy downfall. It drums rhythmically against the metal roof and she wraps her arms around herself, thinking about the life inside her and whether or not she kept it because she truly wanted to or because she wanted to make sure that she would always have him. Her Lucas.
Fear starts creeping through her body as she thinks of the possibility that she and Lucas had done the same thing her own parents did, keeping a baby to heal a non-functioning relationship… But then she feels her daughter kick inside of her and instantly she knows that it will never be the same as with her family. What ever the reasons for keeping her baby had been, and what ever she had said in anger to Lucas, she would never do things differently. She loves her unborn child more and more for every day.
Frustrated she dries away the spilling tears with the back of her hand and takes a deep breath, thinking that whatever happened now Emma would never suffer for her own mistakes.
Lucas words had cut her like knives earlier in the kitchen but the more she thinks about it the angrier she gets. How could he not see how hard she had been trying to be a better person? He had acted like she had done all this on purpose. Like the sole purpose of her drunken night with Nathan years ago was to hurt him. Didn't he understand that she would have done anything to keep him happy?
It's dark outside and she realizes for the first time that she hasn't brought anything to this spontaneous outing. Not her cell phone, not her visa-card, not even a sweater or a jacket. She shivers, and although it's June now, she turns the heat up in the car and runs her hands up and down her arms.
Across the street there's a payphone-booth and she knows that eventually she has to take the spare coins in the glove-compartment and call someone. Her first thought is of course to call Lucas, but her stomach tightens when she thinks back to how he looked at her in the kitchen earlier.
No, she has to call someone else, but not now. Not yet.
First she needs to think all this through and figure out if there is any truth in all the insults he had thrown in her face. Any truth at all…
She's angry but her heart is still breaking in more pieces than she ever thought possible and she can't stop crying.
The night passes slowly in the confined space of the car. Seconds feel like hours and minutes like days. Everything is just a blur of waterdrops. Tears mixed with rain.
How I wish I could walk through
the doors of my mind
Hold memory close at hand
Help me understand the years
How I wish I could
Choose between Heaven and Hell
How I wish I would save my soul
I'm so cold from fear
----
Author's note: Hate me? I bet. And I bet you're all thinking; How the hell can she willingly pick up the crappy storyline of the sex-tape? Well… you know, I hated it too when Mark pulled it out of his sleeve, but this is supposed to be alternate s4 and some things need to be kept. Although some facts were of course changed along the way…
Again, thanks for ALL the amazing reviews for this story.
Now tell me what you think of this chapter and I might just give you another fast update. ;) /Lynn