Authors note: You all have no idea how happy I am that the last chapter was so well received. The reviews were no less than amazing. I'm updating under the two week mark again, but the next chapter might take three.
The biggest shout-out ever to my little Casey that did an awesome job betaing this chapter. I know that I was a pain in the ass sometimes Cas, but I love you.
The storyline picks up right about where we left off at the end of last chapter and it's title and lyrics are from the song 'All or nothing' by O-town.
-
CHAPTER 31 – All Or Nothing
You and I
could lose it all if you've got no more room,
No room inside
for me in your life…
Tick tock… tick tock… tick tock…
The clock on the wall over the kitchen door shows 9.45 but Lucas feels like his sense of time disappeared long ago. It could have been when he realized that Brooke didn't just take a quick spin around the block to let him cool down, or it might have been when he phoned up all their friends asking if they have seen the brunette girl. By the time he came home from circling the neighborhood he knew that this was serious. So when he finally woke his mother up to tell her what he had done, he was certain. He was past the brink of insanity.
As each moment passes, he feels like the kitchen is closing in on him. And if it's possible, this makes him even angrier. Leaving like this was probably Brooke's way of punishing him, because she knew him well enough to know that he would be frantic. He hates it when she storms out when she is upset. He hates it when she is upset. And every time she leaves like this he can't shake the feeling that something bad has happened to her. That her little blue beetle is wrapped around a tree-trunk somewhere outside the city limit. Or that by now, someone had noticed her fragile state and had taken advantage of it.
Although this time the worry is worse than ever. This time she is carrying their baby.
"Still no word from her?"
The voice startles him and he looks up to see his mom standing in the doorway. She looks worried too and he shakes his head. He wants to be able to say 'yes'. To tell her that Brooke called and that his girlfriend is on her way home as they speak, but he can't.
"No. Nothing…"
Karen sighs and rubs her belly.
"If no one has heard from her by the time I come back we have to call everybody up and start searching for her for real. God Lucas, how could you be so stupid? She's pregnant. You should know better than to upset her when she's in this state… in fact, you shouldn't had gone off on her at all."
He lowers his head, unable to meet her gaze. The disappointment in her voice is enough to tear at his heart. 'And now it's begun' he thinks, while fixating at a certain stain on the table. 'I'm becoming just like him…'
"Where are you going?" he asks silently. He doesn't want his mother to leave because that means that he will have even more time to climb the walls.
"To my doctor's appointment."
She picks up her handbag and makes her way to the door. With one last glance at him, and a sigh that tells him exactly how she feels, she continues; "Call me if you hear anything, okay? I don't like this Lucas… I really don't."
"And you think I do?" he mutters as he hears the door click shut.
Frustrated he combs his fingers through his hair and takes a deep breath. 'Okay, calm down… She's fine. She's just doing this to piss you off…'
The ticking from the clock seems to grow louder and louder with each passing minute, and he starts to feel his butt go numb from sitting on the uncomfortable wooden chair, but he doesn't get up. He has looked everywhere and there's nothing more he can do now… except to wait.
Then there's a sound of someone turning the doorknob and looking up, Lucas sees Brooke standing in the doorway. His heart takes a leap. She is alright…
Doing a double take to make sure that she is actually standing in front of him he realizes that 'alright' might be an exaggeration. Under her eyes dark circles has begun to form, making her look tired and worn out. Her eyes, red-rimmed and puffy, don't show any emotion. But at least she doesn't look like she has been harmed...physically that is. The pressure that has been filling his chest releases a little and for the first time in hours it feels like he can finally breathe.
"Where the hell have you been Brooke?" he says, his voice sounding unused and raspy. "I've been worried sick!"
She looks at him, eyes still void of emotion and he's so used to seeing her green eyes be full of love that the eyes looking back at him now doesn't even seem to be hers. Then she says;
"You were worried? You have a strange way of showing it, I must say."
Nothing more. No explanation, no excuses, no yelling. She walks right past him and heads into their bedroom and he doesn't move from his spot for a minute or two, wondering if the girl he just saw coming in through the door really was Brooke. But then he hears her pulling out the drawers and opening the closet doors and he makes his way to the back of the house. Was she packing?
"What are you doing?" he asks breathlessly while watching from the doorway as she throws down things haphazardly in a big duffel-bag. "Where are you going?"
She ignores him and continues to stuffs jeans and t-shirts into the bag and then bends over to pick up some shoes from inside the closet. Leaning down she puts a hand at the small of her back and makes a pained sound and he closes his eyes, feeling frustrated and helpless. He wants to tell her to take it easy. That lately her back always hurts when she hasn't slept enough or been on her feet too much. But the chance that she would even let him finish that sentence seems slim to none.
So instead he repeats himself; "Where are you going Brooke? And where were you all night?"
"I'm going to Rachel's."
She won't even glance his way, and when he walks into the room and reaches out to touch her arm she pulls away.
"Don't Lucas… this is hard enough as it is. I'll call you."
While he still stands with his hand in mid air, she picks up the bag and gives him one last look before walking past him and leaving again. And he just watches her go even though he knows out of experience that it's a bad move on his part because of their history. He's just feeling too confused to move. He is the one that deserves to be angry, yet she is the one leaving him. And what did she mean by 'I'm going to Rachel's'? For how long?
Honestly, as the night had faded away, the anger he had felt over what had happened between her and Nathan had been pushed away to give room for anxiety and fear. A fear that, even though he knows Brooke is alive and well, won't seem to leave him. Although now, he is scared for entirely different reasons.
…What if she didn't come back?
---
Rachel yawns and stretches her arms over her head before sitting up in the bed with an annoyed sigh. Someone just won't stop knocking on the god damn door and the sound is driving her insane.
"What could you possibly want at this hour?!" she yells as she pulls on a slinky robe, fully knowing that the person on the outside won't hear her. "It's freakin' ten o'clock in the morning! This better be important…"
The knocking gets louder as she makes her way downstairs. Ready to scold the person on the other side, she yanks the door open. But the sight that meets her turns her angry scowl into a look of worry.
"God Brooke… what happened to you?"
Her friend is standing on the porch with tears streaming fast down her cheeks. And within seconds Brooke has thrown her arms around Rachel's neck and is crying heavily against her shoulder. Rachel pats the tiny girl's back uncomfortably and keeps making hushing noises until the crying has become silent sobs.
And then Brooke says something that makes her eyes widen.
"I need to stay here Rach… I'll find my own place, I promise, but I have to stay with you for a while. I can't go home."
Stunned, she just nods. She motions Brooke inside and closes the door behind her. Following Brooke into the house, she heads for the downstairs living room. Brooke slumps down onto one of the couches but instead she walks over to the bar and pours her father's expensive looking whiskey into two glasses. And when she puts them down on the table and sits down beside her friend, Brooke sighs longingly.
"I wish I could Rach, god knows I need it… but I can't drink. I'm pregnant, remember?"
"I know. They're both for me."
It might still be early, but by the look on Brooke's face, and the bag placed by her feet, she can already tell. Whatever it is, she'll be needing the alcohol. So she tips her head back and downs the first glass in one mouthful. The fluid stings her throat as it makes its way down to her stomach, but at least the last traces of sleep has been erased from her mind. She then leans back into the cushions and sighs;
"Okay Brookie, tell me. What did the stupid boy do this time?"
-
An hour later the story is out and Rachel can't believe that a person as intelligent as Lucas can be so amazingly dumb. Of course she noticed how he reacted when seeing the tape last night, she had been shocked herself. But she had been sure that he would calm after listening to Brooke's explanation like he usually did. Lucas could never be angry at Brooke for long, it was a proven fact. Although this time was obviously different.
"I can't believe he called you a slut…"
"See why I can't stay with him?"
She nods her head, while reaching for the other shot. "Are you sure you don't want a drink? I wouldn't blame you if you had one…"
Brooke chuckles and shakes her head. It's not a happy sound though, it's hollow and lacks of her usual strength.
"You know Rachel, I never thought he'd say that… I guess I know him as badly as he knows me. It's kind of funny when you think about it… maybe we've just been fooling ourselves because he knocked me up? Maybe getting back together… was a mistake."
But Rachel can't seem to find the humor in this situation. Even less so when Brooke's eyes once again fill with tears threatening to spill over and she notices how hard her friend tries not to let them. Still, she feels like she has to be honest. The pampering and the 'telling you what you want to hear' has never been her thing, and someone needs to tell Brooke the truth.
"Listen" she says and looks deep into her friend's green eyes. "You are having his baby Brooke. In less than two months. And you can't just sit here and pout and be stubborn like you normally would. I agree that he's an asshole right now and that he had no right to say even half the things he did. But you need to talk this out. Just because you're both still in high school doesn't mean you can treat your relationship like the ordinary high school romance. You need to fix this. Like now!"
Brooke stares back at her with a look of hurt. As if she feels that Rachel isn't supportive enough."I'm not sure I want to fix this. And even if I did, I can't. He'll never let me forget this…" she says and falls back against the cushions once again. "He seems to think that everything I did in the past, every little hook-up or drunken mistake, I did just to piss him off or hurt him. I'm not that person anymore but even so, he needs to love me unconditionally. And if he can't accept that I have a past that he might not like, than I don't see how we can survive this."
She's quiet for a bit and Rachel pats her arm to show that she didn't really mean to be harsh. And then Brooke sighs. "He has to think about this and he has to decide if he wants me… All of me, faults and all. It's either that or nothing."
Rachel nods solemnly. She understands what her friend means. And she knows that Lucas will come around eventually. She just hopes that it won't be too late when he does.
Maybe she should go see him, she thinks. Talk to him and speed the process up a bit. She will gladly knock some sense into that boy's head and if she hadn't been so shocked the night before, she would have done so already. But now, after hearing what he said to Brooke last night she'd like to punch him right between the eyes. But that still is nothing compared to what she wants to do to Peyton Sawyer.
Brooke would probably kill her if she found out that she was meddling, but she was the baby's godmother, which in her mind gave her the right to interfere. And she'd be damned if she let her little goddaughters parent's split up over a thing like this.
"You should go rest Brooke" she tells the brunette and points towards the bedroom. "I have to go, uh? ...Meet this guy...Yeah."
Great explanation, she tells herself silently, now Brooke would catch on for sure. But to her surprise Brooke just nods and pushes herself off of the couch with a heavy sigh. And as her friend waddles towards the bedroom they used to share, Rachel can hear her mumble; "It's so not fun to be pregnant right now…"
She gets up as well and gathers her things. She reaches for her car-keys but not before grabbing Brooke's bag and placing it out in the hallway. She shakes her head sadly. She knows Brooke better than she might think. She knows that she is a spur of the moment kind of girl that doesn't fully take in to account what her actions might cause. But this; her bag packed with necessities, shows that she is serious. That leaving Lucas and showing up on her doorstep, asking for a place to stay was definitely something Brooke has thought through.
---
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you in memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe its right. I know it, know it
Later that night Brooke lies in Rachel's bedroom wide awake. The redhead is snoring lightly in the other bed, probably tired after trying to entertain her the entire evening with pizza, ice-cream and a chick-flick marathon.
Apart from the two hours that Rachel had been gone in the afternoon, her friend had been at her side the entire day, trying to help her forget that she was definitely in the wrong house. And of course she loves Rachel for it. She does. It's just that nothing can change the fact that in the last 36 hours her life has been turned upside down.
She shouldn't be here. Right now she should be wrapped in Lucas' arms, lovingly scolding him for holding her when the summer-nights was already warm enough to make her overheated. And he was supposed to laugh and tell her that he didn't care, that he'd never let her go…
She buries her face into the pillow and weeps silently, wishing that he would just come and get her. That he would tell her he's sorry, that he loves her and that he can't sleep without her just like she can't sleep without him. She wishes for all this, but in reality he hasn't even called.
This morning she said that she would call him, but somewhere in the back of her head she had of course hoped that he would have stopped her before she left. She meant what she had told Rachel earlier. She needed time away from Lucas, time to let him figure out if this; being with her, was what he really wanted. But even so, that didn't mean that she didn't already miss him.
She misses him more than she ever thought possible.
And when she finally drifts off to sleep at around 2 AM, she doesn't even have any tears left to cry.
It's not the way I choose to live
And something, somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you
But how can I fight someone
Who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair
------
Sunday comes and Lucas has been sitting in his car outside of Nathan and Haley's apartment for almost twenty minutes. He knows that they're home because he can see them through the kitchen window, but for some reason he can't seem to make himself get out of the seat. Just the sight of Nathan sparks new flames of anger in his stomach and he breathes out through his nose.
How come he was sitting here alone in his car with Brooke off somewhere for the second day in a row, not wanting to see him, and Nathan was being served breakfast by a smiling Haley as if the other night had never happened? And how come it still makes him furious that Nathan had defended Brooke to Peyton? Was it because his brother had beaten him to it? Or was it because he knew that what his brother had done in the situation was the right thing?
There's a fifty percent chance you'll be a jackass just like me son…
Nathan used to be the jackass, but if he was really honest then he had to admit that his brother was a changed man. Ever since he married Haley he had evolved into a better person. At least he thought he had up until last night.
He takes a deep breath and finally opens the car-door. He needs to talk to Nathan and see if what Brooke told him was true. And he needs to find out if Haley is okay, he really should have done that yesterday. Although the second thing on the agenda seems unnecessary, seeing how she hugs Nathan in their kitchen.
He knocks on the door and it's Haley that opens it. He hasn't talked to her since he called her looking for Brooke the other night, but since she doesn't look worried and she doesn't ask if Brooke's back, he guesses that she's either angry enough not to care what has happened to Brooke or she has already talked to her.
"Hey Hales" he says and she reaches out and hugs him. He hugs back and sighs inwardly in relief that she is on his side. Not like his mom who has been shooting him disappointed glances for two days, making him feel worse then he already does.
But his comfort is short-lived because Haley smiles when pulling back and says; "Karen told me that Brooke came home safely. You've talked it out now, right? I mean you're good, right?"
He doesn't smile back, simply answers "No", and her face grows serious again. "What?"
"She came back, packed and left again, apparently she's gonna stay with Rachel now."
His voice comes out bitter and Haley closes her eyes and sighs. "Oh no Luke… what did you do?"
What did he do? 'Wrong question Hales' he thinks. The issue here was what she did, or maybe they. Brooke and Nathan. His girlfriend and his brother.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that there are also other reasons for him pushing Brooke away like this, but being angry and blaming others is so much easier. So ignoring her question he looks past her into the apartment and sees that Nathan is standing in the living-room watching him. And then it's like if his brother knows what he's thinking because he sighs and grabs a sweater that's hanging over a nearby chair.
"I'll see you later at the hospital" he says to Haley as he passes her in the open door. "Kiss the boys from me."
Haley nods and leans up so that Nathan can press a chaste kiss on her lips and then the door closes. Neither of them say anything, instead Nathan walks over to his car, opens the trunk and picks up a basketball. And in a silent agreement they both start walking towards the River court.
--
Nathan bounces the ball off the heated tarmac and even though his brother drives his elbow into his chest to get in his way, Nathan still makes the jump-shot with centimeters to spare. The one-on-one game has been going on for over twenty minutes, and to a bystander it probably looks like they're just playing a little rough. But he knows that this is plain war. Lucas isn't one to start a fight and instead of punching his lights out, his big brother tries to beat him on the court. Just like he had done two years ago.
"I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did" he says, trying to catch his breath before passing the ball over to Lucas.
The ball comes shooting back into his chest, hard.
"Yeah. Me too."
Lucas voice is cold, unforgiving and laced with anger. And when he looks up from the ball, his big brother watches him like prey. He dribbles back and circles Lucas a couple of times, trying to give him a chance to breathe too. This heated game is not good for Lucas' HCM, but telling him to stop wouldn't help much in this situation. So he settles for second best and stalls as much as he can.
Lucas reaches for the ball but he bounces it behind his back, on a safe distance from his blond brother's hands. Tries to get him to talk instead of physically straining his heart.
"The day when we threw the party, before you saw the tape, you told me how lucky you were for having Brooke… And you know, me screwing her a year before you two even met doesn't change that. You're damn lucky. Anyone will tell you that; Hales, Mouth, Rachel, Bevin, your mom… hell, maybe even Peyton if you catch her on an honest day…"
There's a sound coming from Lucas, an irritated huff, and while dribbling Nathan looks for eye contact, but Lucas just squints and keeps trying to get past him. So finally he gives the ball up and lets Lucas get two points in. He has almost given up on his brother saying something more when Lucas mutters;
"How the hell would you feel if you found out that Haley had sex with me, huh? And on top of it all, you had to see it on tape?!"
Sighing, he dries the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and then snatches the ball back. Bouncing it a couple of times while pausing to think.
"I can't say I would be happy. I'd feel weird as hell, and it would probably be a while before I could relax when you guys hugged and stuff like that… But I'd like to think that I would at least be smart enough to realize that it happened before I met her, and that I had no right to make her feel bad about herself because of it." He backs up and dribbles, but this time his brother doesn't follow, so he stops and looks at him seriously.
"I meant what I said at the party Luke. What me and Brooke did or didn't do back then really doesn't concern you. It's in the past…"
"It's easy for you to say that."
They're both out of breath, chests heaving up and down and sweat pouring down their faces.
"Yeah, maybe so… And to be honest, if it was the other way around and you and Haley had slept together, I would probably go mental. Act like an idiot and punch you right in the eye. Then I'd go and get shit-faced drunk before ending up being all pathetic and throwing rocks on Haley's window until she forgave me. But that's me, not you. You are not usually an ass Lucas. Confused, yes. A little dense when it comes to knowing how to treat the ladies, hell yes. But never knowingly evil. That's not your game, and that's why I don't understand this… Why are you pushing Brooke away like this? You're a smart guy and you know that she didn't do anything wrong."
Lucas still doesn't move so he stops dribbling and holds the ball, hoping that this is the end of their crazed game and that they can finally talk. His brother watches the river and for a while the only sounds heard are their heavy breathing and the slow rattling of leafs on the nearby trees.
"Why didn't you just tell me Nate? You had a million opportunities."
"Because it didn't matter. That's what you're failing to understand. That night between Brooke and me meant about as much as a walk in the park or a trip to the movies, maybe even less. I don't know why Brooke didn't tell you, but I would guess she forgot about it ever happening, or she was just afraid that you'd take the news badly. And if it's the second option, then I must say that you didn't really prove her wrong, did you?"
Lucas huffs in response to this. "She says she didn't remember it, not until she saw the tape. But come on! How can either of you forget having sex with each other?! That's just bullshit Nathan, you don't forget something like that!"
The look Lucas gives him is a tired and angry at the same time, and he feels himself starting to tire as well.
"Something like what? A drunken hook-up? A faceless fuck among others? Don't forget that both Brooke and I screwed a lot of people that year… maybe our night just got lost in the mix…"
An old couple walk by and he grows silent but Lucas frowns, clenching his fists at his sides.
"Are you calling my girlfriend a slut?"
"The same girlfriend that left your house in tears two days ago? No, from what I've heard you were the one that called her that… Seriously Luke, how the fuck could you say that to her? She must have been crushed, man…"
"Not as crushed as I was…"
By now he can feel himself rolling his eyes and he throws his hands out in frustration.
"God, come on Luke! Stop the self pity, okay!? Brooke had a life before she met you? Big deal! She loves you, dude. She carries your baby! And for some reason she still wants to be with you, even when you're acting like an idiot. If you could just cut her some slack and stop acting like a stubborn child. Stop fucking acting like dad! Keep this up and I'm telling you Lucas; you'll lose Brooke. And I'm not talking about chrashing at Rachel's for a few days."
He can see Lucas flinch at the mention of Dan and he instantly regrets his words. Especially when his brother's shoulders slope to give him a defeated posture and he turns and walks over to the picnic-table. He calls after him but Lucas just sits down tiredly and after a while Nathan follows.
"Sorry man" he says when sitting down. "That was a low blow…"
"Don't sweat it. It's true."
"No it's not." He shakes his head vigorously. "You are nothing like dad. I used to take after him a lot, but you've never been like Dan, you know that Luke."
Lucas doesn't answer and for several minutes they sit in silence, watching the old basketball playground and the ball that lays forgotten in the middle of the court. And just when Nathan starts to think that time has somehow stopped, Lucas sighs and pulls a hand through his sweaty hair.
"Ever since Dan told me I would fuck this 'family-thing' up a couple of weeks ago, I've been so scared… It's like this poison has crept inside of me, making me think that I'm destined to become like him and that no matter how I try, I'll end up hurting Brooke, maybe even Emma… And the worst thing is that the more I seem to think about it, the more it becomes true…"
He shifts on the bench and opens his mouth to protest, but Lucas continues.
"Sometimes when she comes into the room I can't breathe, you know… it's like I love her so much that I realize I would die if I lost her, and it scares me so much Nate. It terrifies me that I might not be enough for her, that she might someday get tired of all this and find somebody else. And when dad said that Brooke would never change, it wasn't that I agreed with him that she was a slut, I just realized that she can have anyone she wants. Anyone! I mean, you're right, she IS amazing. She's beautiful beyond words, she's smart, funny, strong willed, ambitious… Why would she stay with me, huh? I can't give her half of what she and Emma deserve…"
"Man, come on…"
"No Nathan, it's true. I can't support them. I can't treat Brooke to nice things. I can't even sign the lease to the apartment that we've been talking about for college as a surprise for her, since I don't have enough bank credibility. And I can't tell her that I lie awake at night afraid that she'll love the baby more than she'll love me… or that there's a more than a fifty percent chance that I'll cheat on her."
By now his big brother has his face in his hands, and there's a tremble in his voice that shows he's close to tears. So Nathan puts a hand on Lucas' shoulder and awkwardly rubs it.
"What do you mean Luke? Why would you cheat on Brooke? You love her…"
He's feeling confused, and his brother's way of talking in riddles isn't helping. He had of course already guessed that this whole mess had other bases then just the unfortunate tape. But Lucas was losing him now, with the talk about Dan and about cheating. Lucas sighs deeply before saying;
"This is gonna sound stupid, but sometimes I wish that you were still a jackass like a couple of years ago…"
Nathan frowns. "Why?"
"Because then I wouldn't have to listen to Dan's voice playing over and over in my head, saying that at least one of us is gonna end up like him, and I wouldn't be so damn scared that it would prove to me. I mean, it's logical if you think about it… You've redeemed yourself. Ever since meeting Haley you've known that she was the one, and you've stayed true to that. But I've fucked up so many times already… just look at what I did to Brooke with the whole Peyton-debacle...twice. And then I went out with Anna just to make Brooke jealous, making it all even worse…"
Finally Nathan has had enough and he waves his hands in a stopping-motion.
"Woa Luke, stop. What in the hell are you saying here? You've actually been listening to dad? And you believe the shit that comes out of his mouth?! You of all people should know that NOTHING he says is true. God, we're talking about the same guy that abandoned you and your mom, took Keith's business away from him and tried to strangle you when you saved him from the fire at the dealership!"
He almost feels like punching Lucas for letting their stupid father get to him. But instead he takes a couple of deep breaths and waits until Lucas looks back up.
"Listen carefully Luke. You're the best thing that happened to Brooke since I don't even know when. She and I might have not been all that close when we were younger but everybody in Tree Hill knows that most of the stupid things she did in the past was to get attention from parents that didn't give a shit about her. You love her more than anything and that's ALL she needs from you, understand? She already has pretty things and if she needs more she can buy them herself with her trust-fund. She just needs you to love her.
Lucas looks up and wipes his face with his arm, mixing what could be tears with the sweat already there.
"I love her so damn much it's silly, that's why this hurts so much. Honestly, I don't care if she slept with the entire basketball team twice. I just wished she would have trusted me enough to tell me."
Again Nathan rubs Lucas' back.
"She trusts you big brother, I'd guess she trusts you even more than she trusts herself. But you have to understand that she might have not told you because she didn't want to ruin your image of her. Haley keeps saying that Brooke changed thanks to you and I heard Peyton say once that Brooke changed to please you, but I don't believe any of that. I think she changed unconsciously because she loves you enough to want to be a better person. Just like I did with Haley. And I think that it's for the same reason that you're stressing over this Dan-thing. When you love someone you want to be the best you can be, I think that's natural."
In the distance birds are chirping and the sun warms their backs as they sit in silence for a while, both of them thinking about their respective little families. And then Lucas sighs deeply, sounding almost like he's in pain.
"Nate, I screwed up, didn't I?"
Nodding he sighs too. "Yeah man. I'm sorry to say it, but you really did."
---
Monday morning comes and it's officially two weeks left of school. Graduation is around the corner and so is the long summer-vacation, making the spirit high in the dusty school corridors. But for Lucas the day is the worst in a long time. Because the routines surrounding school makes the last days even more real.
It's weird to walk the school corridors without Brooke's small hand in his. He misses the weight of her book-bag on his shoulder and the sound of her pearly laughter. He misses her grumpiness in the morning when driving to school and the scent of her on his clothes.
After his long talk with his brother yesterday anger is switched into a feeling of being completely lost and in the midst of it all it's finally dawning on him that she doesn't live with him any more.
She's not sharing his bed or his breakfast bagel. She's not sending him cute text-massages or waking him up in the middle of the night because she just can't remember the name of 'that guy that plays in that band that did that song which started with hmm hm…about love…something'.
And by lunchtime it's even clearer than before. He's miserable without her, it's as simple as that.
Classes are slow. Tests and assignments have all been submitted and grades have already been set. He's thankful for this because with everything that's going on inside his head he would never have been able to learn anything. In every class he shares with her he does nothing but watch her, restraining himself from shouting at her that this has to stop. And when he has class without her he just sits and stares into space, trying to figure out how to make her understand.
The three days they've been away from each other is enough. The point is proven and he learnt his lesson. If he could tattoo 'idiot' or 'asshole' on his own forehead, he would.
He remembers lashing out at Brooke's father when he implied that she was a little slut, and he even remembers protecting her from Haley the first week they ever dated. So why hadn't he protected her this time? Nathan had finally made him see that there was no difference between this and everything else that she had done that he had just let slide. And as Rachel had pointed out; If he could so easily forgive her for finding her in bed with Chris during the time he loved her, then why couldn't he get over something she did before they had even talked to each other?
During the day, when they occasionally meet in the hallway, Brooke is distant. Her eyes never really meet his and she rarely says anything. Twice she even turns and walks in the other direction. She makes it look like she has forgotten something but he knows that she's avoiding him. He can feel it.
Right now he watches her as she puts her books into her locker. She looks tired and he feels bad. Last night he had called her at almost two o'clock. The need to talk to her and just hear her voice became too much for him. And even thought Brooke specifically told him she would call him, he had just let the signals ring until she finally answered, sounding newly awoken and disoriented.
"Hallo?"
"It's me Brooke. Please don't hang up…"
"Lucas? Are you alright?"
He stayed silent for a couple of seconds, just listened to her breathing. Then he whispered;
"I'm sorry pretty girl… I'm so sorry…"
"I don't think you really are."
She didn't sound angry. Not even irritated. She just stated it, as if it was crystal clear. And that hurt him even more.
"I miss you…" he said silently and this time she was the one that didn't say anything. For a moment he thought, or maybe just hoped, that she would say that she missed him too. But when she finally spoke she just said;
"Good night Lucas."
Her voice was soft but the words were final and he whispered; "I love you" before hanging up. She didn't say it back.
Her back is turned towards him where she stands and he takes in the sight of her. Her long dark hair is tied back in a sloppy ponytail and she wears jeans and a baggy sweater even though its almost 90 degrees outside. She wears no make-up, and even though she's as beautiful as always, he still notices the difference. When walking over to her guilt creeps in and makes his heart even heavier. Maybe what Rachel said the other day was true…
You make her doubt herself Lucas… You're starting to make her think that you were right when judging her, and that's not fair…
"About last night…" he says looking down into the floor, and she turns towards him. "I'm sorry for calling you so late…"
He can't interpret her facial expression, but she seems calm. "It's okay. You can call me, you can still talk to me Luke. I'm not gonna break."
"Yeah well, I might…"
And it's true. The talk he had with Rachel hade made him think, but he had still been too upset then. Nathan became the turning point. His brother said some things that really hit home and now he knows how wrong he has handled this entire situation. That was part of the reason why he called Brooke last night, but hearing her voice made him chicken out. She was back to not believing him. Back to where they had been earlier this winter.
She looks at him, her facial expression still hard to interpret, and then she touches his arm. Her fingers linger warm on his skin for a couple of seconds and he stares at her hand, not knowing what to do. The small contact makes it even more evident how much his entire being misses her touch. And then she pulls back.
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time to show and tell
"How are you Brooke?" he almost whispers and he's surprised when she honestly answers;
"Sad. Hurt. …Tired."
"Is there anything I can do to make all this better? I know I over-reacted and…"
But just as last night she interrupts his apologies.
"Wednesday morning at 9 AM is that scheduled appointment for my sonogram. If you want to come we can meet up there."
His heart feels like it's literally breaking in half. Of course he wants to come. He's been at every single one of her doctor's appointments except the one he missed when he was stuck in the cardio intensive-care unit.
"I'll come Brooke, of course I'll come. I'll drive you there…"
She shakes her head. "No, Rachel can drive me."
The bell rings for fifth period and he feels desperate, knowing that she'll leave.
"Come home Brooke…"
The tone in his voice is pleading, his eyes and body language the same, but she looks down into the floor.
"I'll see you in Algebra-class" she says silently and then she meets up with Bevin and walks off.
He's left standing there, people running back and forth around him, and he swallows to get rid of the lump stuck in his throat. Was this it? The end of him and Brooke?
He wants to scream at the people around him to stop walking and to be quiet so that he can think. And then he feels a hand on his shoulder and he hears Rachel's voice;
"It'll be alright Luke. She's your destiny, remember?"
He closes his eyes and nods.
I want it all, or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you've reached the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all, or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing...
Nothing at all
---
Author's note: That was it for this chapter. Be sure to tell me what you think.
And remember; The reviews all you guys send me makes me happier then a kid on Christmas morning and I need you all to know that without the awesome response I get from you, this story wouldn't be existing.
So thank you again. To all my FF-girls like Cami, Casey, Eva, Cheyenne, Vicky, Loes, Denise and the rest. And of course to Hilary for all the great convos while writing this chapter, and to Elena (Typokween) and Natalie (iluvmedou) for reviews so sweet they made me blush. To ALL of you that's still reading this… For real; THANK YOU SO MUCH.