Author's note: It seemed like a lot of you thought that last chapter was the end of this story. But don't you all think that our BL-family deserves a 'bigger' finale? Well there is still road ahead. And without further ado...
Title and lyrics are from a song by Delta Goodrem, found for me by the awesome Stefy.
-l-
CHAPTER 38 – Together We Are One
Here we are
Sharing our lives
We made it through…
"Brooke, have you seen my towel?"
He calls her from the bathroom and she answers that she hasn't. And he keeps wondering how much stuff she had really brought. It's been a day and a half since Emma came and this afternoon, Brooke and their daughter are getting discharged. That is if he can pack their stuff on time.
It seems like Brooke has managed to spread their things over every single free surface of the room. Clothes, face-creams, baby-stuff, pacifiers. He even finds a pair of earrings and a sneaker. And he knows that this entire project would have been handled faster by Brooke herself, since strangely enough she always has a certain order in her chaos, but she's currently feeding Emma.
"What time is it?" he calls her again, while shoving their toothbrushes into her toilet bag.
"Three thirty."
Oops… they'll be late. And he should have known. Being on time just wasn't a doable task while with Brooke, and now with Emma on top of this he should have at least added a half hour to their time-plan.
He pops his head back into the hospital room and for a second he just watches and smiles. He's still awestruck every time he comes back after leaving the room for just two seconds, and the sight of Brooke and Emma snuggled up in the chair is beautiful.
"Nathan will be here in fifteen minutes…" he says softly when Brooke looks up. "Is there any possibility that you could finish that feeding at home?"
"Sorry, but nope. Once this kid is latched on, I swear she's like a vacuum cleaner. Just call Nate and tell him to come up. The doctor is supposed to come check on Emma before we leave anyway, right?"
He nods and goes to get his cell phone. Calls his brother and tells him what Brooke just said. He can hear Nathan sigh on the other end but Nathan knows his pretty girl rather well too and he has probably expected this, because he doesn't complain.
He bets that the doctor will be fast though, because so far Emma has been nothing but perfectly healthy. A ten on the apgar scale and up to par on every test. And of course beautiful, just like her mom. He kisses Brooke's forehead before going back to packing, and he can't help but steal a glance at her chest. Thinking out loud, he chuckles:
"Babe, your boobs are huge!"
She swats his arm but tilts her head up so that he can kiss her on the lips instead.
"Admit that you love it, you perv…" she mumbles happily and he nods without hesitation. Size, shape or form, it's her boobs and he'd love them regardless. It just so happens that they are beautiful too.
"Now stop staring and get with the packing, boyfriend" she says and winks. "Didn't you say Nate was gonna be here in fifteen minutes?"
He sighs with a fake-disappointed look on his face and does as he's told. She giggles as he walks away and he smiles at the sound. Can't help it. He just really loves that she's happy.
The good and bad times
And still we stand
With hope in our hearts
No matter what
We will play our part
It's almost four o'clock when Nathan saunters into the hospital room where Brooke and his brother have been staying the last two days. And he's not the least bit surprised that they're far from ready to leave.
"What's up guys?" he says and he's greeted with an apologizing smile from Lucas.
He doesn't look directly at Brooke because she's still buttoning up her shirt after feeding the baby. Instead he walks over to his big brother and gives him a hug, mumbling a silent; "What happened to her chest?" in Lucas' ear.
Lucas laughs but he's being serious. This hadn't happened to Haley, maybe because their babies had been so premature, and he's almost embarrassed when Lucas smirks and says;
"Nice, huh?"
"I guess..."
Brooke stands up and comes over to him as well. Emma is cradled in her arms and she carefully gives the baby to Lucas before reaching up to hug him. She looks a lot more confident than he had expected, and compared to how he had felt around his sons the first couple of days, Brooke looks like a pro. Yet he's not that surprised. Just like he had told Lucas months ago, there was a lot more motherly instinct in the brunette than people thought.
"Sorry for running late like this Nate" she says with a sugary voice and a mischievous facial expression that tells him that she couldn't care less about letting him wait. "The doctor is running a little late."
"It's fine B. But if I get a ticket, then you're paying. I'm so double parked that it's not even funny."
She sticks her tongue out at him and he's just about to add that she should act a little more mature than that now that she's a mom, but he doesn't get any further than the smirk, because the doctor walks in through the door.
Brooke and Lucas smiles towards the doctor and he stands back a little while they start chatting away politely. The man, introducing himself as Dr. McMillan, the on-call pediatrician, admires Emma and tells them all what a beautiful baby she is. And Nathan feels himself unconsciously smile at the proud expression that spreads over his brother's face, and he makes a mental note to ask why the heck Lucas would take credit for Emma's features. The kid is a carbon copy of Brooke.
"I hear you did a great job at squeezing this little one out" the doctor tells Brooke. "Has she been good to her mommy? Eating and sleeping like she should?"
Brooke looks a little shy, an expressions very seldom seen on her, and smiles. "I think she's been an angel..." she says, and her eyes travel to Lucas for a second. "But I don't really know what she 'should' do... this is my first baby."
"Well, I bet you're doing beautifully" the doctor smiles back. "The nurses tell me that they haven't had to give her any extra supplements or take her into the baby-room. And that is to be commended, I must say. Now let's take a look at this little cutie..."
Nathan takes a small step closer to Luke and watches as the man checks Emma's reflexes and joints. He feels her tummy, checks her pulse and listens to her heartbeat, all while Brooke affectionately hangs on to Lucas' arm. Watching Brooke shove her hand affectionately into Lucas' back pocket makes him smile. They're the picture perfect teenage couple in love. And with the way his brother keeps sending loving glances at the brunette, it's obvious to him that all the people who are still pessimistic about whether or not Brooke and Lucas will make it, will be proved wrong.
It makes him happy because Brooke deserves this. He and Haley had talked about it last night and he totally agrees with his wife. Brooke deserves to have Lucas look at her as if she's the best thing that's happened to him because god knows that Lucas had messed up their relationship enough times.
"She's a beautiful baby" the doctor says and earns another wide proud smile from Lucas. "And her eye-color is amazing..."
He moves the stethoscope and coos "Yes it is..." down to Emma. But then he frowns. Does a double take and listens to Emma's heart again before carefully holding her with one hand so that he can listen to her back instead.
Then the man says: "Did the doctor that delivered her say anything about her left ventricle heart murmur?"
Lucas' face instantly changes and he stutters "Her left…heart…what?"
Dr. McMillan buttons Emma's little onesie back up and lifts her off of the table.
"She seems to have a heart murmur" he says and the smile is back. "But don't get alarmed. Apart from this she seems a hundred percent healthy and a lot of babies have them when they're newborn. Often they close up on their own and if they don't, then the surgery is a very common one. Unless there's a history of heart disease in the immediate family there's absolutely nothing to worry about."
By the last words Lucas looks as if someone punched him right in the gut and the earlier proud smile is traded for a scared frown.
"But… what about my HCM?"
"Your what?"
He can hear his big brother swallow before repeating himself.
"I have Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. It's added into Brooke's medical file… Dr. Shandwick said that…"
Lucas voice trails off and the room is quiet for a moment. Dr McMillan looks tired, Lucas looks pale and Brooke just keeps looking nervously between them all, as if she's either not really understanding the situation, or maybe just isn't sure what to ask.
Finally the doctor sighs and hands Emma back to Brooke and Nathan watches as he turns to Lucas.
"You mean that Brooke's OB Gyn knew that you carried the gene and they still didn't test for it during the pregnancy?"
"No… I mean yes… Dr Shandwick said that we couldn't test Emma until after she was born…"
It hurts to see Lucas so worried and one glance at Brooke tells him that the brunette is still too emotional after everything the last two days to handle this situation well. And when the pediatrician sighs again while flipping through Emma's file and says;
"Testing for HCM should be done somewhere around the 20th pregnancy week. Especially when the gene is carried by one of the parents. Being a carrier, I'm sure you know that there's a 50 percent risk that your daughter has the disease. And if she does, then a simple heart murmur has to be surgically taken care of as soon as possible."
Then Lucas' entire body stiffens and without even looking at Brooke, his brother just turns and pushes past him to get out of the room.
Nathan closes his eyes for a second and inwardly mutters a "What a fucking mess…" before looking back at Brooke. She looks so lost with the tiny baby in her arms, and the pain in her eyes when watching Lucas' back disappear out the door goes straight into his chest.
"Hey Brookie… don't worry…" he mumbles and runs his hand comfortingly up and down her arm. "Give him a sec, okay?"
Brooke nods and he notices how she forces the tears back with sheer willpower before turning back towards the pediatrician. 'You're really brave' he wants to say to her, but even though she just looked straight at him he's not sure if she's even aware that he's still in the room.
"So what now?" she says with a trembling voice. "Can we do the tests now?"
The doctor nods.
"Yes. It's a simple blood-test but it will be 7-10 days before we get the results. In the meantime I'll set up an appointment with our pediatric cardio specialist to see how extensive the hole in the left ventricle is. Just stay here while I go get the nurse."
Brooke nods silently and when Emma starts crying she just hoists the little girl up to lean against her shoulder and looks at him blankly.
"Why did he just leave?" she mumbles. "I don't know anything about all this Nate… He's much better than me with this whole 'talking to the doctors'-thing…"
He knows what she means. His big brother is supposed to be the calm and grounded part of the Brooke'n'Lucas-combo, and to be honest he's actually surprised at Lucas' behavior. So when Brooke says something about needing to feed Emma again, he mumbles "I'll go get Luke".
He doesn't have to go far. Because out into the corridor, just a couple of feet from the door, he finds his brother with his forehead leaned against the cold wall. He looks pale and Nathan puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey man... It's just a blood draw. She won't even remember this in a couple of minutes..."
Again he thinks about Jamie and Josh, and on the many times he's watched nurses draw blood from them. And even though this probably should make him feel as if Lucas is being ridiculous, it doesn't. Most of all because he now knows the feeling of wanting to protect your children from everything painful, but also because of the fact that in the case of Emma, it actually feels even more wrong.
James and Joshua had been born prematurely and he and Haley had been prepared for them to need tests and possible treatments. But Emma was supposed to be healthy. The perfect full-term baby.
Lucas draws a deep breath and lets it out shakily.
"What if she has it, Nate?"
He doesn't have to ask to know that Lucas is talking about the HCM and he really means it when he answers: "She doesn't."
He's well aware of the fifty percent risk. He had been lucky to find himself among the negative test-results. He wasn't even a carrier of the mutation which meant that not only could he lead a healthy life but there was also no chance that he could he have passed it to his sons. For his brother it had been the opposite. A lifetime with restrictions and heart-meds and a shattered basketball-dreams. But even more frightening, the risk of passing it on to Emma. Yet even with these facts in front of him, he still feels that Emma's tests will come back clear.
"How can you be sure?" Lucas pushes, still without looking at him. "If she has it, she'll need surgery and it'll be my fault..."
"Cut it out Luke... You know that that's not true."
Sadly though, the paleness on Lucas' face tells him that maybe he doesn't. And when Lucas doesn't answer him, he adds; "By the way, it's still IF she has it... which means that right now your priorities shouldn't be standing out here feeling sorry for yourself. You should be in there with your girlfriend, who's currently trying her hardest not to fall apart completely."
Up until now Lucas has kept his head against the wall, but at the mention of Brooke, he actually looks up.
"Is she crying?" he asks weakly and he shakes his head in response.
"Not yet. But it's kind of assy to leave her in there to deal with this alone, Luke. And with her giving birth to your kid just two days ago, you should seriously be in there kissing her feet."
With the smallest of nods, Lucas finally straightens up and slowly walks back towards the room. But before he enters, he mumbles;
"I should take the chance to comfort her now... because if Emma has my heart-problems, Brooke's gonna hate me..."
And now we've come so far
One chance to touch a star
Go higher and higher
All Lucas wants is to hug her. Not Emma, but Brooke. Emma is thankfully not aware of anything, and if it turns out that he's passed the mutation on to her, then it'll still be a long time until she's old enough to blame him for it. But Brooke... Brooke knows...
She's curled up in the chair again and at first he thinks that she's nursing his little daughter for the fifteenth time today. But when he walks closer he can see that her shirt is closed and that she's just holding Emma close to her chest. Gone is the amazing smile that's been on her face since their daughter was first put in her arms two days ago. The tired but beautiful smile that's been telling him that it had been the right decision to take this rollercoaster ride of teenage parenthood. Instead there's just the tiredness left, mixed in with the worry that he hates to see in her features.
"I'm sorry baby..." he mumbles and squats down in front of her. "I didn't mean to just leave you hanging like that..."
Nathan had been right. It was selfish of him to let Brooke deal with something that was all because of him. She had done nothing to deserve this. Nothing.
His nervous hands play with the fabric of Emma's little pink outfit and then his daughter's tiny hand grabs onto his finger. His eyes stings with threatening tears, because the tiny pulling Emma does on his finger is nothing compared to what she's doing to his heart. And she looks so terribly small in Brooke's arms...
He supposed to protect her. It's his damn responsibility as her father.
And in this moment he hates his own father more than ever before. Because if it weren't for Dan, he wouldn't be sitting her on the floor holding back tears and being scared to hug the love of his life. He wouldn't have to worry about his newborn babygirl having an irreversible heart-condition.
"We should call your mom..." Brooke says silently and there's a slight tremble in her voice. "We probably won't make it home to dinner as we said..."
He nods and bites his lip. Shuffles a little closer and strokes the soft curls on Emma's head. Then he hears Nathan clearing his throat behind his back and he turns to look at his brother.
"Luke...man, uhm...would you guys rather I'd leave? I mean you can just call me when you want me to come pick you up..."
Shrugging, he looks up at Brooke and she shrugs too.
"Do what you feel is best Nate. Feel free to stay, but I have no idea how long this is going to take..."
Brooke sighs and mumbles "We don't even know what they're gonna do to her" and again that huge wave of frustration crashes over him for not being able to 'fix' this. He hasn't even had the courage to touch her yet, can hardly even look her in the eyes. And when Nathan bends down and touches Brooke's cheek with his palm, then his insides hiss with guilt.
"It's nothing to worry about Brookie" Nathan says with a soft voice. "They'll take some blood from a vein in her foot. It'll just be a quick sting. Remember? You saw them doing it on Josh..."
The masked up worry on his girlfriend's face turns into an obvious frown.
"But Nate, Joshua cried when they did that. You know that it hurt..."
"I know Brooke, but they have to, alright? It's the only way they'll know."
There's an almost invisible shiver along Brooke's bottom lip and that's what finally gives him enough courage. Carefully he covers Brooke's hand with his own and says;
"Hey baby... Look at me."
He needs to be the one to do this. And he's thankful for Nathan's efforts of trying to make her feel better, but it's his girlfriend that's scared, his baby that needs testing and that might be sick. Most of all, it's his damn mutation they are testing for.
When Brooke meets his eyes he feels this incredible relief. She looks sad of course, but not cold. Not angry.
"Maybe you could nurse her while they draw the blood?" he says silently while rubbing her palm with his thumb. "Maybe that way she'll feel safer..."
She nods, hesitantly but it's still a nod.
"Will you stay in here when they do it?" she then whispers, locking him in with her green-eyed gaze. "I know you hate needles Luke, but I really need you to be here..."
"Of course" he mutters softly, feeling guilty that she evens feels that she has to ask. "I won't leave babe. I've told you, we're doing all of this together..."
Find your guiding inspiration
In a place where dreams are made
With a lifetime's preparation
It's no time to be afraid
Today was supposed to be a happy day.
They were supposed to bring their baby home. Karen was supposed to dote on her and tell her how good she was doing, and she'd be able to relax and feel safe under Karen's watchful eye. But instead she's still in the hospital and she's not feeling happy or safe at all.
Sure, Karen is with them now, and the older woman is talking to the doctors to make sure that everything is been done correctly. But even with Karen here, it's still not the way it's supposed to be. Why couldn't they just turn back in time and start over from this morning?
She woke up by the feeling of warm soft lips pressed against the back of her neck, and she sighed contently.
"Luke?" she mumbled and was met by a soft chuckle.
"Who else, Brooke? You're in the maternal ward and its 7am... I don't really think any of your other boyfriends would be allowed in here..."
She smiled wider and turned her head around to press her lips to his. "I'm glad it's you" she mused. "I don't think any of the others would want me after this... I mean can you look at this?"
She pulled her oversized hospital gown up and forced him to look at her belly that now looked completely different. She had actually contemplated staying covered up until this weird phase was over but hours earlier, when it was still dark outside and Lucas slept soundly beside her while she nursed their baby, she realized that there wasn't any use.
What would she do? Tell him he wasn't allowed to touch her all of a sudden?
Lucas face didn't change the slightest as he looked down at her belly. He just mumbled a newly awakened "Look at what?" and grazed his fingertips over the kind of loose skin on her still slightly swollen belly.
It amazed her that she wasn't more repulsed by it. After being awarded with a stomach fit and toned as washboard since she started cheerleading in middle school this should make her worried or at least insecure. It really should.
"My belly..." she said and searched for his eyes. "It looks hideous. Like an empty bag."
But Lucas just laughed at her. Silently, not to wake up Emma, and then he kissed her forehead.
"It kind of is, you know. It's the empty bag that you carried our baby in. It's kind of cool when you think about it..."
He sounded serious and with a smile on her face she watched him run his fingers over the skin again before bending down to kiss it. Then he settled back in next to her and watched their baby sleep soundly in her clear plastic cot.
"I love you" she whispered, running a hand through his blond hair, and he looked back at her curiously.
"What are you thinking about Brooke? You sound a little different..."
"I don't know..."
She hesitated; still astounded by the way her broody boy seemed to always read her like an open book. And as she trailed the hand down his neck she conjured up some extra courage and said:
"I guess I figured that you'd be disgusted by the way my body looks now, maybe even feel different about me... but you look at me the same, and I'm just happy I guess..."
For a second Lucas' eyes turned almost sky-blue and he shook his head at her slowly.
"Are you insane baby?" he whispered and cupped her face in his hand. "There is no freaking possibility ever that I could be disgusted with your body… Have you met me? Hi, I'm Lucas, the boyfriend who was even horny enough to sleep with you when you were a week over-due…"
She laughed now and he pulled her closer.
"I love you too, you crazy girl" he muttered and snuggled into her neck. "And I love our baby, Brooke… thank you for keeping her safe and healthy in that belly-bag of yours."
At the last words, his playful voice earned a more serious undertone and she knew what he meant. 'Don't even think about fitting into your skinny-jeans' he seemed to want to say. 'Be happy that we had a perfect child and that she was safely brought into the world…'
And at that moment, nothing could have ruined the way her heart soared in her chest.
Nothing…
Nothing, except for the fact that her uterus might have failed at keeping Emma safe, and that Lucas has been withdrawn and weird ever since the doctor found the murmur. Nothing, except for still being in the hospital, sitting in a cold plastic chair and being about to let a stranger hurt Emma.
And Lucas is just pacing behind her like an unholy ghost while the nurse brings the needle closer to her daughter's tiny pink foot, making her just wants to pull the little foot away and yell to the woman to 'stay the F away from her child' and go stick that needle into her broody boyfriend instead.
But that's not an option.
So she bites her lip to stay calm and looks away with closed eyes when the nurse draws the blood. Emma cries, just like Josh did, and just when she starts to cry herself, she feels Lucas arms around her and his lips against her temple.
As always he comes around at the last minute…
"I'm sorry…" he whispers over and over and she still doesn't know what he sorry about.
She has her guesses though, and five minutes later, when her daughter's tiny wrinkled foot sports a band-aid the size of her pinkie nail and she has finally stopped crying, she lets Karen hold Emma and forces Lucas gently into a corner of the hallway.
They're waiting for the pediatric cardiologist now and another hour of watching him pace back and forth with his forehead in creases will drive her insane.
"Speak" she says and puts her hands on both sides of his face. "Tell me what's eating you Luke."
"Nothing…" he mumbles without meeting her eyes.
What the hell is up with this nothing-theme, she thinks and grabs his face more firmly.
Nothing had been wrong with her baby this morning. Nothing could ever ruin hers and Lucas' happiness over bringing Emma home… Both of those had been wrong, and now apparently 'nothing' is occupying her boyfriend's thoughts? She doesn't have to be a genius to realize that this one is just as un-true as the others.
"Luke…"
"Really… it's nothing…"
Once again he avoids her gaze and she yells out in frustration and slams her palm into Lucas' hard chest.
"Stop saying that it's nothing! I'm not stupid, and this is really not the time for mind-games. I'm still too fucking emotional and hormonal for that…"
This time he looks up and he looks so guilt-stricken that she instantly puts the hand back softly against his cheek.
"Now…" she says a lot more calmly. "You listen to me now babe, and you listen good, okay?"
He nods but says nothing. His eyes keep trailing over to Karen and Emma and she puts slight pressure on his cheek so that he'll focus.
"It's not you Luke. If Emma has HCM, if she has it, then it's not your fault, alright? Just like it was never Dan's fault that he passed it on to you. You might hate him Luke, but these things are no ones fault…"
At the mention of his father, she feels Lucas flinch and she realizes that they haven't seen or heard from the guy since the championship game when Lucas collapsed.
"I would never forgive either him or me…" she hears him mumble and she sighs deeply and pulls him close.
"I thought I told you to listen?" she mumbles back, and at least this time he kind of relaxes a little into her embrace.
It's taken much effort to finally have him being open to her and she's not going to give up this easily. So when he finally pulls back and looks at her for real, she says:
"I thought I told you to let me all the way in…"
Deep inside your heart and soul
You've worked so hard
To reach your goal
With every step,
without regret
They arrive home at nine in the evening and she can see that Lucas is even more tired than she herself is. His mom warms some lasagne for them and she devours it like a starved wolf while he merely picks at his food. And when she's nursed Emma, she silently hands him his daughter and gets up from the table.
She needs to breathe. Because seeing him this distraught is painful.
"I'm gonna take a shower" she says and smiles, doing her best to cover up the fact that she feels like shit on a day that should be joyous. "I'll be right back."
Lucas simply nods.
Well inside the bathroom the smile falls with her clothes and she steps into the tub. She turns on the faucet and the warm water does wonders to her body.
She's sore from the birth, tired from being awake for almost three days, her boobs ache and her mind is spinning with worry. Standing under the warm stream of water she lets the sigh she's been holding in all evening come out and she presses her palms against her eyes to will herself not to start crying. She needs to be strong for Lucas and Emma, needs to stay positive, but she's so tired.
She washes her hair and rinses it, and then she just stands there and thinks. Something must be wrong with her, because even when she concentrates on the thought of Emma possibly being sick, she really can't process it. Her baby is not sick. She's not.
Watching the nurse draw blood from her baby had been horrible and tears had been falling in a steady stream down her face when Emma cried. But later, when sitting across from the cardiologist, she had felt weirdly strong…
"Brooke and Lucas… I want you to remember that there are still a fifty percent chance that your daughter doesn't have HCM, and if that's the case, then you don't have anything to worry about. This murmur is minor and will repair itself on its own."
The female doctor rubbed her baby's back and smiled comfortingly.
She smiled back towards the woman and then she glanced at Lucas. He was sitting next to her and he still looked pale and scared. Karen stood behind him with a steady hand on his shoulder but he didn't even seem to notice.
"Do we have to care for her in any special way?" Karen asked and looked down at Emma's sleeping form in her lap. And she turned back to look at the doctor.
"Just watch her coloring. Babies with heart-problem can sometimes get purplish lips or pale complexion and if she does, then I want you to come straight in to the emergency. Other than that you can care for her as you would any baby. Bathe her, nurse her, love her…"
At the last words she felt the lump in her throat lessen a little and she stroked her baby's soft cheek.
"I don't think the last thing will be a problem…" she mumbled and the doctor smiled wider.
"You'll do great, Brooke. Now, go home and enjoy your perfect baby."
It's true. Emma Karen Davis Scott is prefect, and she'll stay that way. What worries her a lot more is her boyfriend. Because even though he's perfect as well, he seems so withdrawn.
She sighs again and grabs a fluffy towel from the rack. Dries herself and wraps it around her body before getting her cell phone from her sweatpants on the floor. Then she dials a familiar number and waits, and when Rachel answers, she says:
"Lucas is a mess…"
There's music in the background and she figures that the redhead is out partying, but it soon disappears and shifts into the sound of crickets.
"Come again?" Rachel giggles. "What did Mr. Perfect do? Drop Emma? Put her diaper on backwards?"
She sits down on the edge of the tub and shakes her head although she knows that Rachel can't see her. And for a second, just a tiny second, she wishes that she was standing next to her friend in the club with a really strong drink in her hand.
"He's a great dad already, Rach. He would never drop her…" she says and plays with a wet strand of her hair. "But Emma might have his heart condition and he already blames himself… and I feel like he's withdrawing from me…"
Her comments are met with complete silence and after about ten seconds she feels complied to ask if the redhead is still there.
"Emma might have HCM?" Rachel asks silently and she mumbles a quiet "Yeah…"
"And if she does? Is she gonna be alright?"
The worry in her friend's voice seals the deal and the tears finally come pouring. She wipes them away furiously with the towel and chokes out;
"I don't know…"
You gave it all
Till there was nothing left
Seek out the strength to win
No thoughts of giving in
Go higher and higher
Lucas stands outside the bathroom door and listens as Brooke sobs on the other side. He can hear that she's talking to someone and he guesses that she's on the phone with either Rachel or Haley.
She's been in there for over forty minutes and he's burped Emma, changed her tiny diaper, and for the last twenty minutes she's been sleeping contently against his shoulder. His baby is safe at the moment and as long as he holds her, he feels okay.
Not good. But better.
Brooke's crying cuts his heart into pieces though, and he raises his hand for the fiftieth time to knock, but then lets it fall again.
She's crying because of him. And there isn't a thing he can do to make it better.
Sighing he turns to walk back into the kitchen to talk to his mother, but she's retired to her own bedroom to care for baby Keith, and instead he sits down on one of the kitchen chairs. This was not the way it was all supposed to go. Emma being sick, Brooke crying alone locked inside the bathroom, and himself feeling more helpless than he's ever done before… they were supposed to do great. He had promised Brooke that they would.
"What if I drop her?" he asked the nurse and looked at the small plastic tub in front of him. It looked dangerous to put Emma in there, and he already worried about her becoming all slippery and hard to hold on to.
What if he lost his grip of her and she got under the water?
"You won't drop her" Brooke's raspy voice came from behind and he could feel her arms snake in around his waist. "I would, but you won't. You're too much of a mother hen."
He snorted in fake hurt and muttered "Father hen, thank you very much" and she giggled. Wonderful, pearly and soft.
"A father hen is a rooster, Luke" she jokingly scolded him and her arms around him tightened. "Get your animals straight. Our daughter is impressionable."
At this he laughed out loud and even the nurse had a hard time keeping a straight face.
"She's 27 hours old, Brooke. She doesn't even know that there are animals."
Even without turning he knew that she stuck her tongue out to him and he laughed again. "Now, shut up. I'm trying to give our baby her first swimming lesson, okay?" Then he slowly put Emma in the plastic tub, and watched happily as the nurse showed Brooke how to wash her.
Emma looked up at them with big eyes, as if she wondered why they all stood around her and smiled like idiots, and his heart felt so proud that he wanted to burst.
"She likes it!" Brooke declared, smiling widely and clapping her hands. "Look!"
He didn't want to tell her that Emma was probably just too shocked by the new sensation to cry. Instead he nodded and proudly looked at his beautiful girlfriend. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she had a growing milk-stain on her t-shirt. Her face was still slightly rounded, making her dimples stand out even more, and when he lifted their daughter back up and Brooke wrapped her in a towel, he couldn't help but to lean in and kiss her.
"We did it" she murmured against his lips. And he knew that she meant the task of getting Emma clean. Yet he couldn't help but relate her comment to the bigger picture.
"We did" he agreed and kissed her again. "We did great, and that won't change…"
He's wakened from his daydreaming by the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing and he looks up to see Brooke standing in the doorway. Her eyes are a bit red and she fiddles with the hem of the t-shirt she's put on. His t-shirt.
And just like in the hospital earlier he's amazed at how beautiful she is. The natural way in which her skin glows and the color of her hair. Her features that lately have started to seem more grown up, and the wonderful curves of her body. Even now, when she looks lost, tired, confused and weary, she still makes his heart beat faster in his chest.
His girlfriend. The mother of the baby sleeping on his shoulder. His Brooke.
"Come here…" he says softly and stands up to meet her half way.
When she reaches out for him with a quivering bottom lip he finally realizes what it is that is wrong with this day. Other than Emma's health and the fact that he might have given a mutated gene to his daughter…
Brooke needs him, and he hasn't been there for her.
Still with Emma sleeping against his chest, he wraps one arm around his girlfriend and kisses the top of her head. Wishes silently that she would tell him why she was crying, not tell someone else over the phone. And as if she reads his mind she mumbles:
"How are we going to do great when you keep blocking me out?"
He closes his eyes and breathes in the mixed scents of her and their baby.
"I know baby… I'm sorry…"
She sighs into his free shoulder and whispers; "Don't be sorry. Be here."
Find your guiding inspiration
In a place where dreams are made
With a lifetime's preparation
It's no time to be afraid
He doesn't answer her and she's too tired to argue with him. Instead she lets him kiss her forehead and when he intertwines his fingers with hers and pulls her softly towards their room, she simply follows.
Emma's travel cot is put up by their bed since it had felt unnecessary to take the real wooden crib out of its box and put it together for just a few weeks. Although now that decision feels weird. If their baby is sick and needs surgery, then college will have to wait, and the move and the deposit that they've put on the apartment will be the unnecessary things, not the crib.
Silently she watches as Lucas lowers the sleeping baby into the cot, then she whispers:
"Did you change her diaper?"
"Yeah."
Lucas pulls the blanket up over Emma and she reaches down and strokes the soft cheek. Wonders how it can be possible to love someone this much after just knowing her for only three days.
"And you burped her, right?" she continues and checks that the bedding isn't in Emma's face. "She'll wake up if you didn't..."
She can feel his hand on her lower back, his thumb stroking the strip of bare skin between t-shirt and shorts. The sensation is soothing. Calming.
"She's changed and burped. Look, I even have proof..."
Looking up at him she sees him smile and point to a stain of baby-vomit on his shoulder, and she smiles back. She's still equally sad and tired, but this is the boy she loves, and when he looks that proud over a stain of her breast-milk on his clothes, she can help it that the corners of her mouth turn upwards.
Then she looks down at Emma one more time before pulling off her sweatpants and crawling into their bed. Lucas strips too. Pulls his t-shirt off and unbuckles his jeans. His upper body is tanned and she follows the movements of his muscles when he steps out of his pants.
"Take your shirt off" he says and climbs in next to her, and she feels a nervous shiver up her spine. Hadn't he heard what the midwife said after the delivery? They weren't supposed to have sex until the tearing had healed...
"How do you feel this morning, Brooke? Did you get any sleep last night?"
"A couple of minutes here and there..." she smiled shyly at the day-nurse. "I think Emma slept more than both me and Luke."
The blond nurse smiled back and looked down at her sleeping baby.
"Emma? That's a cute name. This little lady is already famous in the nurses-lounge. Everybody talks about how beautiful she is."
Lucas came back from the cafeteria just in time to hear the last phrase and he smiled proudly and handed her a slowly melting Popsicle. The summer heat was slowly killing them both and she secretly envied Emma who for the moment slept beside her wearing only her diaper.
"Thanks babe" she said and raised her head to reward Lucas with a kiss. A kiss that soon deepened.
That was until the nurse cleared her throat.
"Uhrm... sorry to bother you..."
She let go of Lucas' bottom lip with a wet kissing sound and Lucas blushed.
"It's fine" she said and winked at him before looking at the woman. "Broody and I here can always pick this up later."
"Good, because I need to cheek you over and make sure that the bleed from your vaginal tear has stopped and that the uterus has closed up properly."
Now she was the one blushing. What tear? For some reason she didn't really like it when people discussed her private areas in front of Lucas. Not that he hadn't been down there enough, but still... And she wasn't really fond of having other people than him concentrating on that area in general, especially not today when every single movement hurt and it was even painful to sit up.
"Just sit up a little and spread your legs" the nurse said kindly and she unwillingly did as told.
And maybe Lucas felt a little uncomfortable as well because he quickly busied himself with his cell phone.
"Everything looks fine. You're healing beautifully and you'll be as good as new in no time. You should probably abstain from intercourse for a couple of weeks, maybe five or six. There's always a risk for infection until you're healed fully, and truthfully, it'll probably be quite painful if you stress it."
She looked up at Lucas, who looked both embarrassed and slightly disappointed at the same time and she kind of felt the same. Truthfully, she wanted nothing even close to sex at the moment. But weeks? Months?
Closing her legs back up she winced and the nurse's words resurfaced.
Bleeding... tear... painful...
Suddenly picking up on that kissing-thing felt less tempting.
Lucas looks at her confused and she feels herself blush. Maybe he doesn't remember but she sure as hell does. It still stings just to pee, and having sex with him three days after giving birth to a baby scares her shitless.
"We're supposed to wait..." she mumbles. "The nurse said 5 to 6 weeks... remember?"
Lucas frowns and then his eyes grow wide. Quickly he waves his hands.
"No. No, no... That's not what meant. Jeez Brooke, it's been three days! I'm not gonna touch you in that way until you are completely sure that its fine."
He looks hesitant, but then he continues. "I just want to have some skin contact..."
Without answering she pulls the t-shirt off and when he pats his chest she lays her head there and sighs out tiredly. Inside she wants to scream, but on the outside she probably looks completely calm.
His arm is around her, his fingertips running up and down her upper arm, and slowly she relaxes.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were sad?" he suddenly mumbles and inwardly she curses. She had really hoped that he hadn't heard her cry in the bathroom. Now she has the option to be honest and maybe hurt him, or to just smooth it all over with a lie.
Sighing, she goes with the first alternative.
"What could you have done, Luke?" she says and turns to the side on his arm so that she can meet his eyes in the darkness. "You didn't want to talk, you made that painfully clear both in the waiting-room and earlier in the kitchen."
Her words make him sigh too. He closes his eyes and mumbles something that sounds like "It's not that I don't want to talk..."
"Then what happened, Lucas? Our baby might be sick. We're both worried. And if you're upset then I need you to talk to me about it."
She puts her hand on his cheek to force him to open his eyes again. "But instead you close me out. And I get that you feel guilty, but it's unfair. Because I want to be there for you, just like you've been there for me all of these months when I was scared…"
She trails off because she feels like her voice won't hold, and even though she needs him to understand, she still doesn't want to be too hard on him. He looked so broken when they were in the hospital and she's still not sure that he can deal with her tears.
But he pulls her closer, presses his lips to her temple and says "Go on…" so she breathes in and clears her throat, knowing that it won't really do any good. It will still crack ones she starts talking.
"I know that you're punishing yourself, but since you didn't talk to me, I felt like I couldn't put more weight on you... But I'm not that strong either, so I called Rachel..."
Just as she thought her voice breaks. "I told her that Emma might be sick and that I didn't know how to comfort you… that I needed the father of my baby…"
The sigh he lets out sounds so hollow. "I was only trying to protect you, Brooke" he mumbles, and it frustrates her.
"Protect me? How? By locking me out? Don't you know me better than that?"
"You locked me out, baby…"
"I locked you out of the bathroom, not out of my head!"
He's still holding her flush against his chest but she squirms out of his grip. It's too hot in the room, he pushes her to the limit and she's starting to get angry.
"You're always so good at saying 'we'll deal with this together'" she says a little louder when sitting up. "When I'm scared, you push me. You want me to confide in you, tell you stuff so that you can help me… But then why can't you see it the same way when you're the one feeling scared?"
He looks guilty again and she can clearly see his eyes flicking towards the baby-cot.
"But I'm…" he swallows. "It's not your fault. It's my fault and I…"
But she just pushes air out between clenched teeth.
"Fuck that, Luke. Forget the whole guilt-thing because it's just a lame excuse for not wanting my help."
She feels tears burning in her eyes. "Newsflash: I need you. Without your help I can't be strong for you... Because my strength comes from you, do you understand?"
The tears fall over and run hot down her face. Wasn't the never-ending crying supposed to be over now?
He tries to pull her back towards him by gently tugging her hand but she doesn't want to, and finally he sits up too.
"We're supposed to be a family now…" she sobs when he forces her into his embrace and holds her tight. "Families are supposed to talk…"
She doesn't know this for a fact. Her parents had probably never talked to each other about anything essential, and they certainly hadn't talked to her. But she wishes for a family that is close. That trusts each other, talks about problems and loves each other no matter what.
"We talk, Brooke…" he mumbles and kisses her face. "There is no one that I confide in as much as I confide in you… This is just hard…"
He holds her for a long time and when she calms down she can feel him draw a deep breath.
"I'm really scared, Brooke…" he says silently, and she knows that this is his way of showing her that he understands. "What if something happens to her?"
"Then we'll deal with that…" she mumbles back, into the skin of his neck. "We'll deal with it together."
The fan spins above their heads and he slowly pulls her back down into their earlier position with her head on his chest. She trails patterns on his abs and lets the sound of the fan combined with Lucas' breathing sooth her. At least until she realizes that she can't hear their baby's breaths.
She shoots up and almost throws herself over Lucas to look down into the cot.
Down there Emma's little chest rises and falls perfectly fine and Lucas voice is soft when he asks:
"What happened, Brooke?"
"I couldn't hear her..."
Lucas doesn't hesitate for a second. He simply reaches down into the newly purchased cot with its cute and fitted bedding and picks their daughter up. Then he lies down again, this time with Emma on his bare chest, before once again patting his shoulder.
"It's okay" he says. "We'll just keep her here with us..."
And this time when she lies down, it's all as it should be. Heart conditions aside, she's in bed with her family. The sound is just like it had been their first night with Emma. Lucas deep breaths, Emma's quick ones, and the silent buzz of the fan.
And finally she feels as if they're home.
Put our differences behind us
While we shine like the sun
See what we've all become
Together we are one
-e-
Author's note: One more chapter up. I hope you enjoyed it and that it didn't have too many spelling errors. Crazy much to do at work at the moment and time for proofreading is sparse. Love you all.
/Lynn
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