A/N: Alright before we begin a couple of points of business

I am so sorry this chapter took so long (I was honestly just having some beta troubles but finally....)

I FOUND ONE!

So, Thank You: To browniechadowes for being such a wonderful, amazing, delightful, stupendous beta for me. You never cease to amaze me with your pure streak of awesome. If you kids haven't read my profile, I posted a link to her twilight parodies which kept me entertained for 4 days straight. They are some of the funniest things you will ever read. No lie. I laughed out loud over 50 times and I DO NOT LAUGH. Thats saying something. So after your done with this chapter GO READ THEM. And review, because I am still stuned that there are only about 200 on each one.

So anyway back to the story: I worked really hard on this chapter for you guys. 6 & 7 are done. I am in the process of editing them as we speak so, fear not, they will be posted promptly.

Thank you again for the support, I really appreciate you guys and all the reviews I am getting. Please feel free to leave as many of those as you like :)

without further ado, here is chapter 5.

Chapter 5:

Sometimes, Those Nights Come Back To Bite You In The Ass

The fumes from the onions I had been chopping were reaching my tear ducts and causing reactions from them. Each tear came down and landed on my hands. I kept cutting.

The eggs bubbled slightly in the pan and I moved them to allow room for the onion bits as I dropped them in. The slight sizzle eased my ears from all the chaotic mess that had emotionally raped me the previous night.

I began to hum as I focused on my task. The batter splashed onto the counter out of its bowl as the Texas sized toast landed in it. As excess dribbled off, I placed it on a flat pan next to the eggs. I heard Charlie stir upstairs as the batter sizzled even louder than the eggs

My ears were attuned to every detail that the world had to offer today. Everything was electric and buzzed with life.

I walked to open the refrigerator and pulled out a package of bacon and placed it on the griddle next to the french toast. I may have been going a little overboard with breakfast but I needed to distract my thoughts, even if momentarily. Dirty images filled my brain, playing over and over again. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Sometimes it would pause or fast forward to my favorite parts, which I then mentally put on slow motion.

None of this was helping my case. My vagina was still throbbing. I tried to Wikipedia any information for what came about last night. Literally. However, the article only had one or two sentences about it. All I could really get was that they were possible, so most likely my dream explained it.

Now I was in agony. I needed release and was well aware that I was not likely to get it any time soon. Even silly things like touching cold surfaces set me off. I would idly run my fingers over my skin to enjoy the sensation of it while waiting for breakfast to cook.

This, of course, made me increasingly frustrated as I pictured someone else displaying the actions I mimicked with my hands. I dropped them to my sides and sighed in exasperation, returning to cooking the meal.

I had already phoned Jacob to extend an invitation to partake. He gladly accepted as he didn't have any classes or outside engagements.

It was turning out to be a beautiful Saturday morning in Forks. The leaves on the trees were rustling as the wind swept through them. The cool autumn breeze continued towards the house, creating the smell of fall all around me. I loved it. It made me crave apple pie, pumpkin pie, cider and candy corn all at the same time.

At the thought, I remembered that Halloween was drawing closer every day and I hadn't even tried to come up with something to dress up as. I had been every generic character in the book: Cat, Ghost, Vampire, Pirate. This year I really wanted to go all out. You're only young once right?

I remembered last Halloween Alice begged me to be the mad-hatter as she was going as... You guessed it, Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Her costume was hand made by Esme and was really authentic looking with a New Age edge to it. Not too slutty or pretentious, though. Just right. It hugged her body and showed off her subtle curves. Esme had ordered an expensive looking fabric from somewhere overseas. Her costume was completed by white, over-the-knee stockings and a big black bow that adorned her hair. I had bought mine at a party store.

Alice had a thing about dressing as her namesake characters. Esme had informed me of this when we went to get her final fitting for the outfit. The year before she had gone as Alice from the movie Closer. Apparently, she had chopped all of her hair off and dyed it a "horrendous" shade of red, according to Esme. I heard that she even went so far as to interchange her look with a bright pink wig throughout the night just to throw everyone off and really play up the part.

The year before that she had been Alice Cooper.

I was almost certain this year she wasn't going to be able to come up with anymore "Alice" inspired outfits. Not unless she wanted to gain some weight and walk around in Brady Bunch getup, waving around a feather duster and giving useless advice to all the kids in the neighborhood. I laughed as I imagined her getting wasted, opening the refrigerator door and attempting to spend the night inside.

As more mental images of Alice came to me, I realized how much I missed her presence. I needed her laugh to laugh, her smile to smile, and a bunch of other corny bullshit that was foreign to my thoughts. I wasn't the type of person who needed anyone to be happy. I tried my best to be independent.

So, It was so weird now that she was all I could think about. Not having her around was almost unbearable. I had only been away from her for about twelve hours, but I felt so incomplete. I felt miserable.

I had a terrible time trying to sleep last night. I never fully made it to Slumberland. All of these new feelings plagued me like locusts, each one shoveling more and more common sense out of my brain. I thought rarely about anything else but the kiss since it occurred. No other kiss that I had ever experienced in my life had stuck so well in my mind.

The reasoning behind my actions was the crux of the confusion. I was not interested in girls at all. I had a lesbian friend in my psychology class first year and she had always told me if I ever decided to play on the other side of the fence that she would be willing to take me out on a date. I just laughed it off thinking that the situation would never come up.

Not until yesterday, that is.

Last night, after my notorious dream, I realized a couple of things: First, that I was definitely interested in Alice, even if she was a girl. Second, that I knew that no other female could ever make me feel the way I felt now, and third, but most importantly, I just hoped this wasn't going to get in the way of our friendship.

All this anxiety, confusion, and emotional torment, might be for nothing. This I understood, but I had to talk to her nonetheless. If I let this eat away at me the rest of my life, it may end up interfering with Alice and I in the long run, and that was just not something I was willing to sacrifice. Even if she felt weirded out, I would find a way to make it up to her.

Charlie appeared in the doorway, already dressed for the day and sniffing the air.

"Mmm, french toast."

I added some tomatoes and cheese to the eggs and flipped them over, then finally turned to greet him.

"Good morning."

I received a welcoming smile and watched him walk over to sit at the kitchen table.

"Good morning. What are you up to today, Bella?"

As he said this, he grabbed the newspaper from the table and took the rubber band off. He opened it and absentmindedly started to read the front page.

"Well I invited Jacob over for breakfast. I hope you don't mind."

I knew he didn't. I poured him a cup of fresh coffee and delivered it to the empty spot beside his hands on the table.

"Of course not honey."

His smile widened; he had always loved Jacob. Jacob and my dad were very close and it always made me happy to see them together.

The doorbell rang loudly throughout the house, interrupting my thoughts. Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. I wiped my hands on a dishtowel and ran through the house shouting back, "I'll get it!"

I practically ripped the door off the hinges opening it. I didn't even allow Jake to respond as I flung myself at him, devouring him in a overzealous bear hug. I got a good whiff of his hair as my face pressed against him. He smelled so rustic and feral, and all the tension from worrying about Alice appeared to dissipate. Jake's familiar scent could pull me out of any uneasiness I was drowning in.

I unknowingly moaned then, and flashes of Jacob with his shirt off came to mind... then I faintly remembered the night I lost my virginity again and how good it felt. Maybe he could help me out the with the little prob-

NO! Hell no. I needed to step off of the crazy train! This was getting ridiculous. I was no better than a pubescent boy! Might as well be hiding nudie mags under my bed with a bottle of lotion, not that the actual contents under my bed were any better. I mentally rolled my eyes when I remembered the discarded underwear. I should probably take care of those.

I'll make a note of it.

I realized then that I hadn't let go of Jacob at all while I was lost in my thoughts. He just stood there and cleared his throat.

"Umm, Bella..... are you going to let go of me?"

I blushed and immediately responded,

"Nope," popping the p at the end. I didn't want him thinking I had spaced out. I just played it off that I meant to hug him this long. I gave him another good squeeze for effect.

He chuckled and hugged me back twice as hard, then said,

"Well, well, well Bella, are you excited to see me or what?"

I finally withdrew from him and gave him a shining smile. I looked right into his eyes trying to tell him everything and nothing all at once.

"Of course I am."

I had decided that talking to Jake was vital. I needed his opinion on things. Getting this mess from a different perspective was going to help me in how I was going to handle it. There was no one else in the world I was this close with, save Alice.

We all ate breakfast, talking about current events and what everyone was up to. It was all just polite conversation and I spent the entire morning worrying about how to approach the subject of kissing my best friend. Either Jake was going to think I was a freak or, worst case scenario, offer to join... I still hadn't decided which was more likely. I could tell I was acting withdrawn, but there was little I could do to change it.

After a couple more cups of coffee with Charlie, Jake and I both said goodbye to him and made our way out into the woods near our house. It was refreshingly brisk today and the wind swept through my hair. I watched the leaves fly around in the crisp fall air. They danced together and met with the ground after only a few strokes against the sky. As the wind hit my skin shivers ran through me causing goosebumps to form. Every nerve ending exploded and reminded me exactly why I was in such distress.

I wasn't making any conversation as Jake paced behind me. My feet crunched the leaves beneath them and it made the silence between us more apparent.

We stopped at a fallen tree trunk in a small clearing in the woods. The bark was covered in moss and vines were springing out and encircling it. I sat down and hugged my knees to my chest. I let out a long sigh trying to muster up the courage to speak.

Jacob must have noticed my unsettled breathing. He walked up and knelt down on his knees. With a worrying stare he seemed to try and pin down what was the matter. I had rested my mouth on my knees and was peering back at him through the tops of them.

He was the first to say something.

"Bella is everything okay? You don't seem very... Bella today."

I couldn't meet his gaze anymore. I looked down to the ground and hated that I seemed so self-loathing and entirely withdrawn. I let my legs fall over the edge of the trunk, clasping my hands together in my lap, and let out a big breath. Here goes nothing.

"Listen Jacob, something happened yesterday before you came over."

I didn't speak loud, because I couldn't believe what I was about to say. As soon as the words come out, you can't take them back. Every single thing in your life is cemented as soon as you acknowledge it verbally to someone.

His expression was pensive. He seemed to be thinking over something in his head. He finally looked back at me, and with an understanding tone started.

"Does this have to do with you being in the bathroom for so long?"

I shook my head lightly, becoming irritated with our tedious conversation. Finally all the thoughts, feelings, worries and everything else that had been building over the past twenty four hours projected up through my throat and straight out of my mouth

"Jacob, I kissed Alice."

And there it was.

He looked dumbfoundedly at me. This was not going to be good. His eyes were frozen on something on the other side of me. He wasn't looking at me, but through me. His lips parted, and if I didn't know any better I would have figured he wasn't breathing. His chest made no movement. He was as solid as a rock. The entire world was still.

"Jacob.." I faintly attempted breaking him out of his trance. When he made no move to change, I knelt before him and extended my hand out to touch his chest.

Finally my fingers met his jacket and I pushed softly. Suddenly he looked straight at me. His expression went from desolation to cocky in record breaking time.

"Bella! That is so freaking hot!"

I fell back in surprise at his reaction, letting out a small squeal. His face was lit up with the biggest grin I had ever seen him wear. He laughed harmoniously and continued,

"I mean, Bella! You made out with a chick... like honest to breasts chick?"

I just stared at him, finally rolling my eyes and becoming decidedly angry. I shoved my fist hard into his arm, knowing that it made little to no impact. He chuckled once more and fell back on his rear. We were both sitting now and I wasn't quite sure what else to say, so I just sat unable to speak. Luckily, I didn't have to.

"So are you like.... a total lesbo now or what?"

My brows furrowed at the suggestion. I shook my head disbelieving and glared at him.

"No Jake, Its just Alice. Only Alice." I let out a long breathe and just above a whisper confessed "I can't stop thinking about her. Its driving me insane. Up to this point I've been strickly dickly and now... now..."

Now? Now I was having dreams about my female best friend that were anything but innocent. I didn't want Jake to know that so I trailed off and just left the air quiet.

I waited for him to say something.

Jacob's smile lessened and he looked at me with a thoughtful expression and responded.

"Can I ask you a serious question?"

Finally, just what I needed, Jacob taking this seriously. I looked at him gratefully.

"Yes."

"So..." he pressed his lips together trying to form the question "tell me, if she were to go down on you... would that be considered a Swan Dive?"

He let go in an uproar of laughter placing his hand over his face to lock it all in.

I grimaced and followed with an "ugh". I swung out to punch him once again knowing full well it wouldn't matter, but I didn't care. That was uncalled for and hardly funny at all.

Before I could argue, he inhaled quickly, realizing as he spoke,

"Is this why you never slept with me again?!"

That all knowing Jacob smile came to his face.

I was surprised at his comment. We were never supposed to speak of that again. It was an unspoken agreement and he had just broken it. I grew even more frustrated.

I pleaded, while staying stubbornly irate.

"Jacob, we aren't really suppose to talk about that. It was a mistake. That was a long time ago and we were drunk and it wasn't even that big of a deal."

From the look on his face then, it was as if I had shot an arrow through his heart. He looked down, his previous joy completely diminished. His voice came above a whisper then;

"To you... " He looked away from my eyes as the words came out.

My face changed from mad to incredulous. His emotions were really mind boggling today. I swear he was worse than a girl. What exactly was that suppose to mean?

"Jacob what are you talking about?"

He wore this look of torment. Then he met my eyes, burning, trying to get me to understand... but I didn't, I couldn't.

"Bella, that night..."

He let out a long breath and continued.

"that night of the party..."

Everything he said seemed to draw out slowly, each word hitting my heart hard and resounding through my bloodstream. He kept pausing trying to find the right thing to say

"... I wasn't that drunk. It wasn't a mistake to me. You told me you wanted to be with me and then we..." he stopped himself and broke out of his reflection. His dismal mood had gone with the wind, forming into detachment.

"Listen that's all in the past now, right? So whatever."

He tried to play it off but I knew him better than that. However, not enough to have realized all this time.

But now it dawned on me loud and clear. Jake was in love with me.

I stared for a second as a bird landed in the treetops overhead. He sang over our little clearing. I glanced upward at it and wished I could fly away from here. To be able to just leave everything behind.

This was real life, though. You can't just run away from your problems. You have to face them. No matter the outcome you have to face them and deal with the consequences of your actions.

"Jacob.. you never told me. I don't remember saying that."

He gave a futile attempt at a small chuckle.

"Yeah, well you acted like it never happened. I just assumed that you regretted it. I was lucky enough that you still talked to me, so I just let it go."

He finally laughed as he conjured,

"And you were very, very, very drunk. You told me how much you loved me and how much it meant to you to lose it to me, and you even said some crap about needing me inside you."

He cocked an eyebrow and smirked as he said it.

Oh. My. The last word actually came charging from my thoughts, sliding off my tongue.

"God!"

I could feel my cheeks beaming bright red. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. He never told me! Not once! All this time... and that's the image he would always remember me as. Brilliant. Bella. Brilliant.

It took me a moment to find my bearings. I finally focused on Jake's face from the corner of my eye. He was thinking hard on something. His mood didn't seem to have changed for the better.

Even though I was mad, I was also upset that he seemed to be so hurt. I had to make this right.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry"

My apology was sincere. I never meant to hurt him. Just another thing to add to the list of things I keep fucking up. Awesome job Bella, queen of the fuck-ups. Top notch. Everything was so poisonous now, and I really had no idea how to suck it out.

I looked at Jacob remorsefully but his eyes had turned hollow.

I moved to stand straight, wiping off the dirt that accumulated on the bottom of my jeans. Jacob just sat there, following my movements with his eyes.

It hated to seem so selfish but I needed his advice about this despite his current feelings. It was bitchy and inconsiderate of me, but I had never once lead him to believe that I liked him as more than a friend... besides that one drunken night. That didn't condone my actions, but merely made up for what I was about to say.

"Jake listen to me okay?" I caught his attention and he hung from my words "I really need you to be a good friend right now and help me out. I'm really confused about Alice, I think I really like her. Like.... like her like her."

He finally stood to meet me and sighed in emotional defeat, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well B, are you positive? You probably shouldn't go around just telling every single person you want to fuck around with that you really like them. They might get the wrong idea... ya know.. that you actually do like them."

The spite dripped from his words as they came.

Ouch.

It stung and lingered for a while. I knew before I said it that it was going to cut him as deep as his words had me. Regardless, it needed to be said.

"Jacob, I know I hurt you, but you have to get over it. Obviously if I wanted to be with you I would have told you some time in the five years we have been friends. I'll admit it when I fuck up, and I did. I got wasted and spilled some shit that just wasn't true. I am really sorry."

I tried to seem empathetic but I was waning.

You have to understand that its nothing about Jacob that I don't like... that I don't want. He is everything I would want and everything I would need, but he is just not what I'm looking for. My heart doesn't feel any different around him than it has since the first day we met. I will always love him, just not as anything more than a friend. I know what I said that night but I would just as quickly chalk it up to not wanting my first to be someone who would use me. Jacob would never hurt me. In my eyes he has been and always will be just perfect, caring, dependable best friend: Jacob Black.

As for Alice... Alice sparked emotions that I never thought I would be able to feel. I felt fireworks when we kissed. I felt happy. No- more than happy. I felt like a fire had finally been invented in a world of darkness, when you didn't even know that such luminance could exist. I had been so comfortable with the darkness in my heart, the loneliness, that I just accepted it as normal. But she changed that..

The need to be near her was intrusive now; The thoughts from last night came again: Her soft skin caressing mine. The recognition of my name as she whispered it. My heart tugged at the images. Wow. It had been a peaceful couple of hours since Mr. Unwelcome Heart Tug had come around. Oh hell, was I ever going to get rid of this bastard?

This was all just so insane. My life was never this dramatic. I felt like I was stuck in some raunchy daytime soap opera. I was being pulled in so many directions and it was making my head spin.

Jacob hadn't responded, and now even looked pissed, which was very un-Jacob-like.

Great, now I was just a bitch. I sighed and resolved to make up for this.

"Jacob- " I stepped closer and extended my arms to encompass him. He didn't respond to my touch and just kept looking off into the woods. I thought it was a good opportunity to say something, anything to get him to talk to me.

I whispered into his jacket with more emotion than I previously had "-I do love you, Jacob Black. I just can't return the feelings you have for me. I am sorry about that night. I wish you would have told me. I wish that I could go back and change things and take away all this pain I've caused you. I never meant to-"

Jacob cut me off "-Bella, I have loved you every single second of every single day for the past 4 years. It hurts every day to not be able to hold you or kiss you or show you how important you are to me."

He let out a long breath and wrapped his arms around me, pressing me to him.

"But I should have told you... and I didn't. I was so scared that you would stop talking to me that I just chickened out. That's my fault... now I'll never be able to be with you. I am the one who has to deal with it. I am sorry too."

And I could tell that he finally understood, even if he didn't like it. We hugged each other for a long time as tears began to build. It was going to be awhile before we could be back to us again, but at least everything was out in the open. I felt closer to him now, it was oddly assuring and comforting.

We walked back towards the house at a slow pace. He turned to me and said frankly,

"B, just tell her. That's all you can do. Don't wait, because if you wait, you'll always be in limbo... wondering what your life would be like if you had said something, and never actually knowing."

I gave him an appreciative smile and simply placed a "thanks" at the end of the conversation.

***

I walked up to the stairs of our apartment building. Each step was a number. The numbers counted down to the door. They counted down to her. The rest of my life was utterly clouded. I couldn't see what was going to happen now.

All I could see was Alice.

She shone through the fog of my existence. I had to tell her. No matter what happened from here on out, I had to face my heart's desire without regret. I wouldn't let myself stay at the precipice of a happy life, watching it play only in my dreams and deepest thoughts. I couldn't wait four years, just watching the girl I loved live her life, never noticing how much I wanted to show her that she was loved and that I was here. I couldn't waste anymore minutes or seconds without her in them. So I stood before the door frame leading into our home, ready to risk everything that was, for everything that could be.

E/N: Soooo I know I promised this chapter would be juicy, but If you promise not to throw tomatoes at me, I promise to make up for it in the next 2 chapters, which like I said before, are written. This chapter just got so long that I ended up breaking into 2. I will get the next one up as fast as possible.

Also: I entered a one-shot contest, For The Love Of Jasper, story is on my profile, if you would like please go read it, even if you hate it, please review. Thank you again

I didn't know if you guys would be interested in songs I like listening to when I write so I thought of posting them, just in case you guys wanted something to jam too while you read.

Song Recs for Chapter 5:

Copeland - What Do I Know?
Boys Like Girls - 2 is better than 1
One Republic - Say (All I Need)
Paramore - The Only Exception

Damn, I'm sorry for talking so much, promise I'll keep it short and sweet after this chapter. Thank You Again.