The Stand Still

By: SukiNora

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them, I just like to play with them.

Pairings: 1+2, 3X4, 5x?

Warnings: Heero POV

Chapter 7

A.N. I know it's been forever . I'm sorry folks. I'll try to get better.

--

I let out a sigh as the bed shifted next to me. Duo was awake again. This is pretty much how the nights have gone in this apartment since the L2 mission: I would go to bed alone, twenty minutes later Duo would sneak in, wrap himself around me and sleep for two hours before waking up and sitting on the edge of my bed for an hour.

I had no more reason to be paranoid of my mischievous American roommate. Duo had no interest in doing anything anymore besides lurking around the computer. There was no more searching through my belongings, no more "slumber parties," or attempts to skip out on work to stay home with me. Duo didn't go to work at all anymore, all he did was research.

And while you may think that this would make me happy, it was doing the opposite. It was hard to admit to myself that I was upset by sad Duo did. Sure, I'm usually bothered by Duo when he goes on his strange tangents, but I don't think he's ever actually made me sad. Upset, now that is a different story. I was very upset when Duo started to take on other partners, but did it really make me sad? Not really, it bothered me, and it upset me, but I was able to live with it. This sadness is different. With the absence of his smile, his obsession with the computer, and his lack of life, I felt like my world was completely thrown. And it bothered me not because I found it annoying, but because I've never seen such pain in Duo's eyes before.

It's been in those eyes since we got back from L2. Une didn't blame Duo for what happened to his recruit. He completely broke protocol, and he paid for it, setting an example of the importance of protocol to the rest of the recruits. But Duo didn't see it that way, and he almost had a heart attack when Une told him that she expected him back at work as soon as his foot was healed. I was in the room at the time, and it was one of the rare occasions when Duo was rendered speechless.

When we arrived back at the apartment he told me that it was his fault for not only his recruit, but also for the little girl who was killed. I've never been very good at being comforting, and since everything I'd been told about what occurred that day had indicated that Duo was not at fault I couldn't even think of anything to say. I remember very awkwardly placing my hand against his back as he told me he was taking a leave of absence from work, and stiffening when he wrapped his arms around my neck and told me what a good friend I was.

I rolled onto my back, letting out a long sigh as I rubbed my eyes. The moon was shining through the window again, giving off enough light so I could see Duo's outline, and the glassy shine of his eyes. The moon actually shined through my window quite a bit, I was just never aware of it since I tended to sleep at night. Not anymore though. Not since the L2 mission.

"She's not there, Duo," I mumbled as I sat up, my body protesting as my muscles strained as they went through the transition of relaxation to stress.

His eyes remained glued on that corner. It had taken me a while to figure out what he was staring at in that corner, but after weeks of nightmares I'd managed to pick up the pieces of exactly what was bothering Duo.

"Can you really not see her?" He whispered, eyes wide and staring. Every night he woke like this, locked in his own nightmare. To be honest, it took me a long time to figure out that he wasn't still asleep during these staring bouts. I had just figured he was still sleeping, since he did sleep walk on occasion. It was only when I found him staring at the corner in our kitchen when I realized he was really seeing things. Seeing her. And I'm still not sure what to do about it.

Regulations say that that I should tell Sally and he should be honorably discharged from the Preventers. But Duo was a good agent, a solid partner, and most importantly, my best friend. As corny as it sounds, Duo was my other half, and he hacked his way to that point even while I was still in my Perfect Solider phase.

I kept telling myself that these late nights could be overlooked because he had been so traumatized. He wasn't seeing things, he was traumatized. I figured that was probably true, and a fair way to assess the situation. But something in the back of my mind kept reminding me that telling Sally would mean one thing to Duo. Betrayal. And that would be enough to rip my other half away. Telling Sally was never an option because it meant that Duo would leave. I dealt with things the only way I knew how, stating facts.

"No, because she isn't there," I said firmly, resting my hand on his shoulder and trying to pull him back down onto the bed. He wouldn't budge.

"She is," he responded, keeping his back rigid, raising his arm to push mine away.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair before sitting up against the wall. "I thought you didn't believe in ghosts."

"So did I," he said shortly, his eyes never once leaving that spot.

"Please stop this," I mumbled, resting my head against my knees. "You've got to stop blaming yourself, this isn't healthy. For either of us."

Duo's head then snapped towards me. "What right do you have to tell me what's healthy?" He spat out, glaring. "You want to talk about healthy? Why don't we talk about your behavior during the wars. How many unhealthy things did you engage in back then, Heero?"

It was hard to keep my temper in check, but through gritted teeth and clenched fists, I did. "If you're going to act like this, get out of my room and go sleep in your own bed, Duo," I said stiffly, laying back down and facing away from his stunned face. It was the first time I had really snapped back at him, but after so many sleepless nights I was beginning to get, for lack of a better word, grouchy.

Duo sat still for a few moments, and I was sure he had some stupid dumfounded look on his face. I so rarely yelled at him these days that whenever I did I think it took him a few moments to realize it actually happened.

The bed shifted next to me and I went stiff as I felt a warm body press against my back, and an arm draped across my chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his breath floating across my skin, sending an involuntary shiver down my spine.

I sighed and moved my arm so I could hold his hand against my stomach. "I know, Duo," I mumbled, more interested in sleeping than making up.

Duo however was more interested in making up than letting me sleep. His leg wrapped around my waist as he climbed over my side so he could lay face to face with me on the edge of the bed. At the time I thought nothing of it. Duo had been my only real friend, and it didn't feel weird, or out of the ordinary to sleep in such close proximity, so I did what felt right. I held him.

"Why do you put up with me?" He mumbled into my chest, his breath warm against my skin.

I took in a deep breath, the scent of his hair so different from the one I had become used to. Duo devoted all his time to searching, including time that used to be spent bathing. Not that he ever smelled very bad, but I wont lie and say that I didn't miss the smell of his banana shampoo. He said it was all natural, and that's what made it smell so much like my favorite fruit.

"I have no idea," I whispered, my hand moving almost instinctively to the back of his neck, holding his head tight against my chest. "But I don't think I'll ever stop putting up with you either."

"Well at least that's one thing," came the mumbled response.

I chuckled a bit, squeezing him tighter. "Just go to sleep. Forget about it for a while."

He sighed against my skin. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it," he whispered.

"Then just let me think about it for you."

I felt the nod, and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he'd finally go to sleep. The truth was, however, that I would end up taking on his nightmares as he slept peacefully.

I can't remember the last time Duo slept in his own bedroom, or even spent time in his bedroom. Thus my room has been turned into his own sanctuary, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The first time I noticed it was a couple weeks after he'd begun his obsessive search. A single paper tacked onto my wall. A yellow sheet of paper with only a few illegible scrawls on it. I stared befuddled at it for a few moments before I awkwardly took the note in my hand and tugged down on it.

The next day I was greeted by the same yellow note, but this time it was followed by the business card of someone from L2.

After a week of taking down these papers and having them reappear in greater numbers I gave up. I figured he needed the space more than I did anyway, and I would certainly prefer to keep his research confined to one room and out of sight from anyone who may decide to stop by, such as our very concerned arabic friend.

As Duo's breaths became slow and deep, I began rubbing his back as I gazed around the room. Now the walls were littered with papers, each with no real significance to anyone who looked upon them, but to Duo they were pieces to a puzzle he needed to complete in order to rest.

I stopped looking at the mess against my walls and down onto the top of Duo's head. He really needed to wash it, and I'd be sure to tell him so in the morning when he woke up.

--

"He's sleeping with you?" Trowa asked incredulously around a mouthful of salad, a little fleck of spinach landing on the table in front of us.

I cringed and nodded, stirring my strawberry yogurt a bit more forcefully than necessary with my spork to keep myself from wiping up the green intrusion.

"Heero," Trowa started, his eyes still wide as he set his fork down. "Are you really sure you want to start going down this road now? While he's so vulnerable?"

"What road?" I asked, licking the remains of the yogurt off the plastic utensil. We learned pretty early on to pack our own lunches, the food in the Preventers cafeteria was very dicey. But after Duo lost nearly half of our silverware we made it a rule that whenever we packed our own lunches, we used the plastic utensils provided at work. That was when I was introduced to the spork.

"Are you serious?"

I turned my head slightly as Wufei took his normal seat next to Trowa on the opposite side of the table. "Heero, you can't start a relationship with him like this," he started, setting down his tray. "Duo's too traumatized right now. Do you want him to think you're taking advantage of him?" This remark was emphasized with the point of a plastic knife.

At that point in my life, I didn't even know what a relationship was. It just never crossed my mind. I had never intended to start a relationship with Duo. I enjoyed being in his company, and enjoyed living with him, but a relationship with him was just such a distant idea.

"Take advantage of him in what way, exactly?" It was somewhat humorous to see the blush creep up on Wufei's face as Trowa just gave me a look that basically said "are you kidding me?"

"Heero," Trowa started, as Wufei turned his head, now more fascinated by the wall than the topic of conversation. "Are you kidding me?"

Throwing my spork down onto the table, I let out a sigh of frustration as I ran a hand through my hair. I had forgotten to brush it this morning so the knots were worse than usual. More than once I've considered just shaving it off but Duo wouldn't have it. He's got this thing about hair.

"No, I am not kidding you," I growled out. "Look, I'm really tired this morning so just stop beating around the bush and just say what you've got to say."

Trowa's eyes furrowed a bit at my harsh words. "Don't fuck Duo while he's so messed up."

Wufei almost died choking on the apple sauce he had been eating. Trowa moved to pat his back while I sat baffled by the statement. I had never thought about having intercourse with Duo. Could I even have intercourse with Duo? I knew that Trowa and Quatre had something going on, but it had never really sunk in. They were best friends. Just like Duo was my best friend, or so I thought. I was not fucking my best friend.

"I am not doing that," I stated. "Duo, wouldn't even want to do that." I felt my chest constrict as those words came out. I hadn't even meant to say it. It was one of those times when it just happened, the words just came out independently.

The two across from me just stared at me. One still wore that horrified look while one wore a smug expression.

"But you'd like to be doing that?" Trowa asked, spearing a piece of lettuce with his fork.

"I," it came out as a stammer. "I don't." I felt my hands starting to shake as my mind frantically searched for something I could say to dispute what Trowa was insinuating. "I have to go," finally was mumbled out as I stumbled over myself trying to throw all my trash into my paper bag.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Heero," Trowa stated, obviously amused by my fumbling. "We've all been expecting it."

"Since when?!" Wufei cried out, burrowing his face in his hands as I finally made my exit from the cafeteria.

End

Thought I'd end this chapter on a slighter happier note. I really am sorry about the wait on this chapter and thank you to everyone who reviewed to this fic even after so long without an update.

In the next chapter I've decided to start it out with Heero being very confused on the way home from work and when he comes home finds Duo researching but he's about to find something very important.