The Stand Still
By: SukiNora
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them, I just like to play with them.
Pairings: 1+2, 3X4, 5x?
Warnings: Heero POV
Chapter 8
A.N. Thank you everyone for your kind words. Things are going to start getting dark. Happy reading.
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I gripped the steering wheel so tight that a white tinge started to creep up on my knuckles. A slow fading white that masked the tan color my hands were usually. Just slow enough to show a glimpse of what was once there, but still invading, still taking over. I'm not the type of person to skip work, or become frazzled by a coworker, even if that coworker was a close friend. Yet there I was, sitting so rigid against my car seat that my back may as well been transformed into a wooden plank. Something in me was changing. Slowly, but just like the white on my knuckles it was taking over and turning me into someone unfamiliar. Showing glimpses of my old self but nonetheless throwing me into an identity crisis.
I cannot love. That's how it has always been, and how it will continue to be. I have no reason to love, it is a needless emotion that gets in the way of things and makes situations complicated. I listened to that speech for years, and it's meaning always made sense to me. Nothing came from love besides complications.
'You're just letting him get to you,' I thought to myself as I slowed for a yellow light, even though I was tempted to gun it. I've always liked going fast, especially when I was bothered by something. It was like the speed allowed me to block everything out, turning everything else into a blur besides the one thing I needed to concentrate on. And after all, if I got hit by another car it would just give me an excuse not to show my face in the office for a few days. It was really a win win situation.
As I slammed my head down on the steering wheel I couldn't help the curse that came from my lips. Everyone was sure to be talking after this incident at lunch, especially after I decided that I'd rather just clock out early then spend another second in a building where I may chance running into Trowa, or in the more extreme case Quatre.
That blonde was always meddling and causing trouble for me. I never understood the way he talked to me about Duo until now. Until Trowa's delightful display of bluntness at lunch.
"God, fuck Duo?" I asked myself, the words leaving a dreadful taste in my mouth, one that I hoped wasn't the horrible taste of denial that Quatre was always talking about.
I can honestly say the thought had never crossed my mind. I never really thought about being intimate with anyone. Intimacy went hand in hand with love, and that was dangerous. And while many teens find themselves day dreaming about such things I never had time, or an interest for that matter, in anything that dealt with love, including sex. Even as we started growing up Duo pretty much filled any void in my life. I didn't need to think about that kind of companionship because I already had everything I wanted. There just wasn't a void to fill.
'Great,' I thought to myself, gripping the wheel a bit tighter. 'This sounds real good. No Trowa, I actually don't need to have sex with anyone, I filled that void in me with Duo.'
A horn beeped from behind me, startling me so much that my foot hit the gas peddle a little harder than necessary as I gave an I'm sorry wave to the car behind me and took off into the intersection, still pondering exactly what category Duo fell under in my book.
Now that I thought of it, he seemed to be everything that a significant other would be. He lived with me, knew pretty much all there was to know about me (expect my glasses, or at least I thought so), trusted me, was a lot of fun to be around (before this whole L2 incident happened), and seemed to share the same feelings of happiness around me as I did around him.
The real question was, did I want to take those feelings to something more? I couldn't help but shift in my seat, even thinking about taking things further with Duo made me uncomfortable. It was not the natural order of things. I couldn't just do things with Duo, it would feel wrong. I had learned from movies and magazines that love was an integral part of sex, thus making sex with Duo only an option if I was in love with him.
That was the tricky part. The sticky, ugly part. The love factor. I had no idea what love was supposed to be. Movie love showed dainty women and masculine men chasing them with dopey smiles on their faces. They went to parks and walked their dogs together, ate in gourmet restaurants, and never did anything that Duo and I would even consider doing.
They did not clean out each others wounds, or give each other stitches, eat food that came prepackaged or dehydrated, and they did not bicker.
Though I still found myself rather perturbed by the love concept, there were things to suggest that there were feelings. The whole Relena incident had definitely shown that Duo was at least protective of me, and in some way that had to be symptom of love. I thought then that it may be possible that I was in love with Duo, after all I have been known to be quite protective of him, though he calls it jealousy.
That lead to a whole new thought: was jealously a part of love? I figured trust had to be part of love and I did not trust Duo as far as I could throw him. My jealously had been spawned from the fact that I do not trust Duo. He had partnered with men he knew I did not trust, left randomly on missions and went through all my personal belongings.
And yet I kept chasing him. I depressed my foot down a bit harder on the gas pedal. I followed Duo where ever he went, desperate to be at his side and finding myself utterly lost when he wasn't around. Even though he made me furious, I never found it in myself to leave. I always followed him. Was that love?
At the time I had absolutely no idea, and from that point on I decided that I would find out. I decided that if I could find myself attracted to Duo physically that meant those feelings I had for Duo must be love, because I had believed that in order to have sex with someone they must be harboring some type of romantic feeling for them.
I finally made it home, though the rest of the ride was a blur, a skid mark on the real problem at hand. Duo, what he meant to me, and what I was willing to do with those feelings.
The keys fumbled in my hands as I tried to open the door. Old habits die hard and we had three locks installed on our door, each with a different key to get in, two deadbolts and one door lock. While good for security, not good when you're debating whether you could fuck your roommate and best friend. It took me a good five minutes to get the door open, and I half expected Duo to be standing behind it with a gun at the ready.
When the door finally swung open I let out a sigh of relief as Duo was not in the living room. I had no doubt he knew I was home, but because he didn't emerge from my room when he head me fumbling with the door, I knew he was either in the middle of something, or wanted some alone time. That was fine with me. Quite frankly, I needed some alone time too.
I threw my brief case down next to the couch, plopping down on it and letting out a deep sigh. I glanced around the room and a found that a trail of post its began lining their way up out of the bedroom. His horrible habit was spreading.
I moved from the bed to stand in front of the wall that inhabited the new notes. There were a few papers with some phone numbers scrawled on them, random names, and a lone newspaper article with certain areas highlighted and circled. Children Slaughtered for Organs on L2. The article was dated back five years ago.
If anything could sweep the entire concept of love out of my head this was it. Duo had found him.
"The black market," I muttered to myself, my fingers lightly running over the old yellowing paper. I had no doubt he probably ripped the article out of the newspaper racks at the library. He's done it before, and no amount of scolding can get Duo to stop something he deems more convenient than making a copy.
Duo had circled certain parts of the article, and my eye automatically drifted to them. Five bodies found in a house on the outskirts of L2, all female, appeared to be tortured before their organs were removed, suspect never found, bodies found in a basement darkroom...
"Great," I mumbled to myself, my hand dropping from the wall. "Just great."
If Duo had gotten this close there was no doubt in my mind that he was already on his way to L2. Even i couldn't deny the similarities, and based on the L2 police's track record I had no doubt that this murderer stayed on L2. Hell he probably just moved a couple houses down the street, and Duo was sure to know that. For all I knew he had already arrested the guy.
The bathroom door suddenly opened and I nearly jumped out of my skin, throwing my back up against the wall and reaching for my gun before realizing it was Duo.
"Oh, Duo," I started, letting out a sigh and bringing my hands where he could see them, after all, old habits die hard. "It's just yo..." I stopped talking and looked over the man standing in front of me. This wasn't the man who had been lurking around the apartment. This was a Preventer, standing in the doorway of my bathroom, wearing the traditional uniform and looking clean and refined.
He stared at me for a few moments not saying anything before he let out the breath he had been holding. Clearly he had not been expecting to have me home so soon, and based on the notes he tacked to the wall, we both knew why he was getting ready while I wasn't here. He was leaving, and that was his way of telling me where he was going.
"Going back to work?" I said carefully, crossing my arms against my chest. Not wanting to make him feel threatened and have him storm or sneak out, since both were possibilities.
Duo shrugged, walking past me into the bedroom. "You could say that," he said shortly. "Aren't you home early?"
I followed him into the bedroom and watched him start throwing clothes into a suitcase. "Yeah, Trowa said a few traumatizing words that I needed to think over."
Duo couldn't help the chuckle that escaped from his lips, but I could tell he was trying from its strained sound. "Trowa traumatized you?"
"You could say that," I mumbled, moving towards the bed and sitting down next to the open suitcase. I stared at every move Duo made, watching the material of his jacket move, and the hair around his face and forehead whisk around when he moved.
For the first time I was at least trying to not look at Duo as my best friend, but a potential life partner, not an easy feat since I had always thought that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway. I never thought about the future in that particular way, I had just assumed nothing between Duo and I would change, and that we'd spend the remainder of our youth in the apartment, and maybe when we retired we'd move into a house.
"Duo, please just let it go," I mumbled, dragging my gaze away from him and began staring at my shoes. I never realized how much peace the future I had just assumed for the two of us gave me until I really thought about it. With all this shit going on with the L2 case I started wondering if Duo's obsession was getting in the way of it. Perhaps in the way of me realizing I was in love.
I heard the scuffling of his shoes stop as he paused in his packing. "Don't ask me to do something you wouldn't be willing to do."
I kept my head hung, I couldn't honestly say that if I had been in his situation I wouldn't be doing the same thing. And I knew it was unfair of me to ask him to do something that I had done myself numerous times during the wars.
"I know," I started, hesitant. "But I'm tired of chasing you."
"You're what?" He exclaimed, and I lifted my head to gaze at his stunned face. Never before had I noticed that he had such elegant features.
I took a deep breath and braced myself for what was about to come. "I've always come second to you. And you've always been first on mine."
"Heero what are you talking about? You're my best friend," he said, his voice becoming shrill.
i scoffed. "Sure, I suppose that's why you keep running away. First you run to Zechs, and now to L2."
Duo threw the jacket he was holding onto the floor and stomped over to me. His hand clamped down on my shoulder and he bent to glare at me. "I am not running to L2. This has nothing to do with you."
"Regardless, I can't, and will not keep chasing you, Duo." The words came out strained. "I've chased you through different partners, assignments, and space. I chased you all the way through the colonies. And I just can't do it anymore, so if you leave today, don't come back." And with that I stood, staring deep into Duo's stunned eyes one last time before I left the room.
It was amazing how the world just seemed to hush as I took step after step. As though all the life and color that Duo provided me with was being taken away the further I was away from him.
I stopped halfway through the hallway and stared at the papers that were tacked to the wall and as I took in those colored pieces of paper that stole Duo away from me, I realized exactly what I was giving up. A future.
My eyes widened and my breath caught in my throat as a pair of strong, yet gangly arms wrapped around my chest. Duo's face rested against my shoulder blade and I could feel the rough pattern of his breathing, clearly indicating he was upset.
"Chase me one more time," he muttered, squeezing tighter.
I sighed, bringing my hands to grasp his. "I can't, Duo."
"Then come with me." His voice became more and more haggard with desperation, and I vaguely wondered if he too realized that his future was slipping faster and faster away.
"Today Trowa told me not to fuck you while you were so messed up," I blurted out. I'm not sure exactly why I decided to respond in that way, but I just felt the need to explain the situation.
His arms loosened before he froze. I muttered a small curse before turning to face him. He looked absolutely mortified, in fact he probably wore the same expression I did when Trowa had said it to me.
"Why did he say that?" He finally got out, taking a few steps back from me.
Leaning against the wall I gave a small grunt. "The guys are under the impression that I love you."
His eyes grew a fraction wider. "Uh," he tried, but not quite getting anything out. "I mean," a small cough. "Do you?" He asked incredulously.
"I have no idea," I confessed, crossing my arms against me. "I thought that if I could envision being with you in that way I'd find out."
"And have you?"
"No," I said quickly, now unable to make any type of eye contact with Duo. "I think you're handsome but I just don't know," I mumbled, running a hand through my hair. "You know I'd be perfectly happy pretending sex didn't even exist."
Duo chuckled and gave my arm a light pat. "If you want we could just pretend it doesn't exist together."
"Is that your way of saying," I started only to be cut off as his hand clamped down over my mouth.
"Don't even say it," he mumbled. "They've bothered me about it too."
I gripped his wrist in my hand and an involuntary smile found it's way to my lips. "Is this that your way of telling me you're staying?"
And just like that the feelings were gone, along with all the life that had been in his eyes.
We must have stared at each other for an eternity before either one of us moved. As it turned out it was him, and he decided that it would easier to tell me he was throwing away our future while he was sitting on a kitchen chair.
"I have to go, otherwise I'd never be able to rest again," he stated. "But if you go with me, we could rest together."
"Yeah, after you murder someone," I dead panned.
He shrugged in response. "You don't know that for sure."