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Wish

CHAPTER 59

I could not postpone our departure any longer. We had been in Maryland for four days and we now needed to get back Washington because I had depleted my sick days at work and Mason needed to get back to school. However in those four days I had yet to go back to the hospital, instead I coward in the backyard of the house day after day just staring off into the trees that lined what had once been our backyard. Charlie did everything he could to help by watching after Mason and holding off the incessant calls from the Cullen family but I was still drowning it felt like in decisions. Decisions that I felt like I was not grown up enough to figure out.

"Bells, do you need help getting anything together? Because I thought we could grab some lunch somewhere before heading to the airport. And you know Esme called this morning again and I thought maybe we could invite them to meet us somewhere so they could see Mason before we leave." Charlie poked his head into the guest room where I sat on the edge of the bed clutching a picture of Edward and me back in college. We were unaware of the picture being taken so we were staring into each other's eyes like there was no one else in the world that mattered.

"All right dad and you can tell Esme that we will meet them in an hour at the Brick yard café on Evans Street." I said quietly and set the picture back on the night stand as Charlie turned and went back downstairs.
I gathered my last bag from next to the dresser and took a deep breath before leaving the guest room, however instead of turning to the left and heading towards the stairs when I got into the hallway, I faced right and stared at the door leading to Edward's room. I dropped my bags in the hallway before running down the stairs and into the kitchen. Charlie was staring at me like I had finally lost it when I came barreling through grabbing garbage bags and cleaning supplies from under the sink before rushing back up stairs and into the master's bedroom. I began throwing all the bottles into the bag along with fast food wrappers and crumpled pieces of paper. It wasn't until I had been cleaning for about five minutes that I noticed that some of the pieces of paper had my name on them. I sat on the edge of the bed and flattened out one of the sheets of white paper.

Bella,

Today was our anniversary. Six years today since you made me the happiest man on the planet. But I have to tell you, I was scared shitless that day. Not because I thought marrying you was the wrong choice but rather that I wouldn't be enough for you and you would find something better. All throughout college I tried to end things a million times, as I am sure you recall, in hopes of you finding something better but every time that I saw you with someone else even if you were just talking, I couldn't help but be selfish and steal you back. I guess now I wish I had been stronger back then. Maybe if I had ended things like I always tried to I could have saved you from so much hurt. I know that you don't want to hear this and maybe that's the reason I haven't been able to finish one of these letters in the past but even though I messed up you are still my world. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you or Mason and the family we could have been.

I remember the first time that I truly knew you were gone for good; it was the night I went to bed and could no longer smell you on the pillow. It crushed me. I tried to make myself better but the odds just seem to be stacked against me. God I miss you so much and I wish you knew how much I loved you and Mason. There are just some days that I just want to….

I glanced at a few more of the letters and noticed that they were all unfinished as well. I didn't want to dwell on them however so I quickly put them down and got back to work. By the time Charlie had come to collect me to leave, the room had some resemblance of its former self. I took the bags of trash out with me as I left and dumped them into the trash bin outside on the side of the house. I didn't bother going back in the house but rather just set myself into the front seat of the car and waited as Charlie loaded in my last bag and Mason silently.

"Momma, are you okay?" Mason asked, leaning forward in his car seat as much as he could.

"I don't know yet buddy. I just don't know."

Charlie started the car and as we pulled out of the driveway and down the quiet street I couldn't help but look back once more at the beautiful white house.

Now that I was still, the words from the letters kept running through my mind. They were the things I had always expected him to say in a groveling attempt to win me back and I had been ready, prepared, to ignore each and every one of them. But now it was different. He had written the words a hundred times, yet never sent them because he knew it wasn't good enough. He had left me alone just like I had asked but never forgot his son. He left all the choices to me. And for the first time since all of this has happened I realized it had never been his fault, it had been mine. Sure he cheated on me, but he was remorseful. Sure he had become a drunk, but he never missed a holiday or birthday for his son. He had tried to fight and I was the one who had given up.

"Stop the car!" I shouted at Charlie who slammed on his brakes, throwing his arm out in front of me to stop me from jerking forward.

"What is wrong? Did you forget something?" There was a sense of panic in his voice and a look in his eye that said I had finally lost it.

"Go to the hospital."

"But Bells we have lunch plans with Esme and…."

"Doesn't matter! Go to the hospital!" I turned to look at him with tears in my eyes. "Please."

So we made a U turn and headed towards the hospital. While we were driving Charlie called Alice to tell her the change of plans but I tuned out the conversation because I was so focused on what I was about to do.

When we pulled up to the entrance of the hospital I told Charlie to bring up Mason in 10 minutes and to hold off any of the other Cullens until then. I bolted from the car and practically ran to the elevators, pushing past people who looked at me like I was insane. I made it to his room in what seemed like record time and didn't even bother knocking before I threw the door opening to find him sleeping with the TV remote in his hand and the subtle voices of ESPN in the background. The sight before me made me slow down; he use to fall asleep with the TV on all the time while he was lying on the couch.

Standing next to him I gently brushed his hair back from his forehead and I couldn't stop the shiver that ran through my body. I had missed running my fingers through his hair I realized. He stirred slightly but stayed asleep. I leaned down and brushed my lips across his forehead, holding them there for a beat longer then I should have when I heard a breathy whisper say my name. I jumped back a little thinking he had woken up but when I looked down again I noticed that he was still breathing evenly in his restful state. He was dreaming about me and I couldn't help but wonder how many nights I filled his dreams. But I didn't dwell on this long, I had come here to say some things and that was exactly what I was going to do. I was going to be strong and hold my ground while maintaining my temper.

I leaned down next to his ear and whispered his name, remembering that this was a preferred method of waking him up. After a few minutes, his eyes blinked open and came to rest on my form.

"Bella? What are you doing here? I thought you would have left town already." He shifted painfully in his bed to sit up some.

"We were just about to leave when I realized that I had forgotten something."

"And what is that you forgot?" He asked looking around his room for anything that didn't belong to him or his family.

"I forgot this." And with all the courage and strength I could muster I leaned down and connected my lips to his. His lips were dry and cracked but it still felt like heaven and the familiar electric current that had always been there. I pulled back after a moment and found his eyes with mine. "I am sorry."

"That is something you never have to apologize for." A small smirk appeared on his bruised face.

"Not the kiss. I am sorry about the time that I took from you. I realized something today, that it wasn't your fault…"

"But Bella it was my…" I caught him off holding up my hand.

"No, let me finish. Sure things might have started off because it was your fault but they stopped being your fault many years ago. It was me that caused all the heartache…"

"Bella I…"

"No Edward! Let me finish." He nodded his head and I took a moment to reorganize my thoughts. "I caused the heartache because even though you were a total screw up, which I will admit you are any day of the week, you were still only concerned for my happiness and your son. You gave me everything I asked of you after the fallout no matter how much pain it caused you. You still loved your son, even though you only met him once before. But it was me that was bitter because I didn't get my perfect house, perfect family, and perfect life. All I was concerned with was me. You told me to think about where I want my life to go from here and I want to go back to Seattle." I saw his face drop at my words. "And I want you to come with us." His head jerked up to meet my eyes.

"What?" Edward's face held such confusion and for a moment I thought maybe I had it wrong and this wasn't what he wanted.

"I mean only if you want to but I just figured that Mason could get to know his dad and stuff…" My voice started to drift off as I lowered my head.

"You want me to leave Maryland and come back into your life? Just like that?" His voice was tight, and I just wanted to shrink back and blend into the ugly beige wall behind me.

"Never mind, it was stupid of me to suggest. I know that your family is here and your home and I don't know why you would want to leave that…"

"Bella look at me." His voice was a whisper but I kept my head down, fiddling with the edge of my shirt. "Bella look at me!" He said more forcefully this time. "I just don't get how you have forgiven me and I don't want to move out there and start getting to know Mason and you decide you still hate me."

"It is not like that Edward. I realized that I haven't really hated you in years, I was more angry with myself because of everything I had lost. And I am not saying that you and me get back together or anything but I would like it if you were a part of Mason's life." The tears started to flow down my cheek and he reached up his hand that wasn't in a cast to wipe away the stray tears. I leaned into his touching realizing that it had been so long since I had known the touch of a man.

"I'll do it. I will move out there just as soon as I get out of here. Oh Bella you don't realize how happy you have made me." Edward's voice cracked as his own tears fell.

"Alright then. But I do have some conditions."

"Anything."

"You will stop drinking and go to A.A. meetings. You will get reinstated as a Doctor or some other career choice if you wish. You will be at any event that Mason ever mentions to you. And finally we will put the past behind us and you will never mention the past again or say sorry for anything you may have done. Understood?"

"Of course. Bella I would fly to the moon and back if that is what it took for me to be a part of your lives." We both smiled and our eyes locked. I am not sure how long we stood there before a small knock came from the door. "Come in." Edward called.

I broke eye contact with Edward and saw Mason pop his little head in and I gestured for him to come over. He walked hesitantly to my side and hid partially behind my legs. So I got down on his level and faced him.

"Mason, sweetheart there is someone who would like to meet you now." I stood up and pushed him towards the side of the bed. "Mason, this is your dad."

Mason stared at him quizzically before speaking.

"Did you miss me while you were away working?" His voice sounded so small in the quiet room.

"I missed you more then you will ever know but that is over now and from now on I am going to spend every minute I can with you. Is that okay with you?" Edward asked and everyone seemed to hold their breath waiting for Mason's response.

"I have missed you too dad." And Mason reached as far over the bed and hugged Edwards's waist which I knew must have been causing him a great deal of pain but Edward just smiled and held Mason tighter.