I do not own Naruto or any characters created by the geniuses of Termite Terrace and its Warner Brothers predecessors.

Another absurdist drabble…

Twelve years ago, several Ninjas from the Village Hidden in the Leaves carried out a training exercise involving an Earth-type jutsu. In the process, the burrow of a timid woodland creature was destroyed. The woodland creature dug its way to the surface, with much muffled grumbling and incomprehensible imprecations, and demanded restitution.

The ninja team did laugh, and offered several consoling maxims that could best be translated into plain speech as "tough titty!"

And the timid woodland creature did wax wroth.

And the ninja did laugh some more as they departed, but not for long.

The days that followed were generally skipped over in most histories of the village. Who wanted to remember the re-carving of the Hokage monument? The filling of the Hokage Tower with circus peanuts? The replacement of an elderly former Hokage's immense porn collection with an assortment of books on "coping with senility", "dealing with incontinence", and others of that sort?

The mightiest Ninja of the village fought to capture the beast, but in vain. The great masters of genjutsu found their own illusions turned against them. The stealthiest assassins found their pants filled with lit explosive notes. And the mightiest of fighters suffered from grand pianos (an item hitherto unknown in the Land of Fire) dropping on their heads in mid-pose.

The beast seemed to have a way to twist the very minds of the villagers, so their brains became as pudding. The Inuzuka never could explain why he had chased after the ball. And the Uchiha who was fooled by an absurdly transparent bit of cross-dressing was so embarrassed that he left the village to join a monastery, where he lived free from pseudo-female distractions (well, except perhaps for that very bishomen novice) until another member of his clan showed up to put the last checkmark on a list.

At last, the Hokage, a man of exceptional genius, found a way to defeat the beast, sealing it away inside his newborn son at the cost of his own life…

NARUTO UZUMAKI

Starring in a probably never-to-be-written saga

WHAT'S UP, NINJA?

Or

WHAT AN OROCHIMAROON!

The orange-clad boy scowled as he stood on a chair by the partially opened door.

"Darn! It just won't balance!"

The pink-haired girl scowled ferociously.

"Naruto, you Baka! Are you trying to kill our teacher?"

"Of course not, Sakura-chan! That wouldn't be funny!"

"And where the hell did you get that anvil?!"

….

"Naruto, what is it with you and disguising yourself as sexy women?"

….

Haku stared in puzzlement. The second boy had been momentarily been contorted with rage and grief as his friend collapsed. Now we seemed…calmer.

"Have you accepted your fate, Naruto-kun?" whispered Haku from within the mirror.

Ignoring him, Naruto pulled a carrot from a pocked and nibbled on it with previously unnoticed buck teeth.

"Of course, you know this means war."

….

Sakura groaned and threw open the window. Another absurd effort by Naruto to woo her again, no doubt. And at three in the morning.

An eight-foot toad, wearing a top hat and a cane, danced. A chorus line of "Narukos" provided backup.

"Hello! Ma baby, hello ma honey, hello my ragtime gal…"

….

"What's up, Doc?"

"That's Fifth Hokage Doc to you, brat" growled Tsunade.

….

Naruto stood outside the cage. Inside, the strange beast leaned nonchalantly against the bars. Behind him was a small cave-like room furnished in 1940s lower middle class décor, including an old-fashioned TV and a sampler with "God bless this hole" and a couple carrots stitched on.

"Just pull the seal-doohickey off so I can get outta here, kid, and together we'll poilverize those Acky-Sucky palookas!"

"Well, I dunno. Ero-Sannin said…"

"C'mon, kiddo! After all we've been through, you still don't trust me?" (Big, sad rabbit-eyes).

"Ok! I'll do it, dattebayo!"

ZZZZAAP!!!!

"Yeeech. Looked like that musta smarted."

"Gaaaa…"

"Some kinda boobytrap, and it caught a boob. This is startin' to remind me of a time I couldn't pay my hotel bill…but don't worry, kid, with my smarts and your massive tolerance for punishment, we'll get me out yet!"

"You're…you're...de…de…"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'dethh-picable'."