I own neither the Naruto characters nor Marvel's Deadpool, have no plans to make money off this, and probably am working out some kind of childhood problem

Another Silly WI: what if the third of the Sanin was Deadpool rather than Orochimaru?

They're not called the "The Legendary Three Ninja", for one thing. Whatever people may call the third member of their team (and there are a lot of names, many of them quite long and anatomically involved), "legendary" usually doesn't come up.

The team still broke up, although not due to one of its members going missing–nin (as much as some inhabitants of Konoha wish he did.) The Third still develops a Commissioner Dreyfus–like twitch when his former student's name comes up in conversation, and Tsunade still hasn't forgiven him for the singing telegram he sent to try and cheer her up after Dan's death (although she will no longer try to kill him on sight. Probably). The more easy-going Jiraya came out of the experience less scarred, but in this world he is famous for his stealth techniques (developed principally to avoid detection by his annoying and loud teammate while carrying out…"research").

His bloodline limit makes him extremely hard to kill, but excessive use of his regenerative ability tends to lead to physical disfigurement: since a Close Encounter with the Kyuubi's chakra during the attack on the village, he is never seen without his rather unique full-body red and black costume, although he often will use Genjutsu or Henge to disguise himself. It also makes it almost impossible to keep him under a genjutsu for any length of time: on the down side, it also tends to lead to insanity. (It is not just bad luck that he's the last of his clan.)

"Not bad, kid! Try this – UNSEXY NO JUTSU!"

(Screams of unspeakable horror)

"Huh! One would think they'd never seen a ninety year old Akimichi in a micro-kini before. Well, who's up for waffles?"

So far, in spite of various pleas on the part of members of the Konoha community, the Third has yet to imprison him or, as in the case of various ancestors who took the loony express all the way to the end of the line, had him quietly disposed of. He has, after all, so far expressed his occasional homicidal tendencies only towards enemies of Konoha, [1] and as one of the village's most powerful ninja, it would be unfair to get rid of him just because he's more annoying than a dozen Narutos on speed.

Lacking the creative genius of a Tsunade or Jiraiya, the Noisy Ninja did not develop a range of special techniques comparable to his teammates. Not that he hasn't come up with some techniques of his own, including a knockoff of the Fourth's teleportation technique: it's an inferior version requiring rather more setup time, but, teleportation. And there are some techniques he's developed people prefer not to speculate on, such as where he hides the weapons he occasionally pulls seemingly out of nowhere without the benefit of storage scrolls.

For the most part, he has made do with a malevolently insane creative genius when it comes to utilizing and combining the standard tools and techniques of a ninja: imagine a Sharingan-less Kakashi with another quarter century of experience, able to keep up with Maito Gai in hand-to-hand as long as he doesn't pull out the "gates." His "there's no such thing as too many explosive notes" attitude does make him a rather unpopular partner on missions. He was quite miffed when Deidara refused to explain how he made his explosive clay, even after he promised to be "his bestest friend" if told.

"All right, team! For today's lesson, we will be doing 'Your Friend the Explosive Note, part III!'"

(Three simultaneous groans)

"Keep it down, whippersnappers! Back in my day, it wasn't a proper training session if it ended with the same number of fingers and toes as it started!"

"Now…" (pulling from…somewhere an explosive tag about the size of a queen-size bed cover) "…this is the economy sized explosive tag, a product of Me, Myself and I, incorporated! Isn't she lovely?"

(Three heavily bandaged Genin sweat-drop simultaneously).

With no Sound village, there was no Sound/Sand invasion during the Chunin exams.

Instead, there was a Sand/Stone invasion next year. (The Kage of Sand was kind of a dick).

With no Orochimaru, the project to create a Biju-powered doomsday machine was somewhat delayed, although a suitably skilled replacement was eventually found in a Kunoichi from Waterfall, the world's only known practitioner of Mad Science No Jutsu. (Her village was actually kinda glad to see Kakuzu Madaraki's great-granddaughter Fran gone far, far away.)

So far only he's had only one student which stuck with him all the way through his training, and Anko is both more dangerous and crazier than in canon (very nearly as crazy, in fact, as fanfic Anko). Therefore, when the Hokage decided to assign him a team, a lot of people began whispering things like "advancing senility", "old man driven to drink", and so on.

"GOOD MORNIING, my little stooges!"

"Eek!"

"Dammit, Asshole-Sensei! Stop jumping out on us like that!"

"Hn."

"Good news, everybody! Today we begin serious training. Be warned, however – my training methods are rigorous! There will be much screaming and crying and puking and NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"

"…but at the end we'll be strong ninja, right, Asshole-Sensei?"

"………………………………..huh? Oh yeah, sure, whatever."

On the other hand, here was a teacher that really didn't care at all about the Dread Secret carried by one of his students. A teacher that would not show favoritism to the other boy, or coddle the girl. Definitely not a lazy teacher like Asuma or Kakashi: and far less one-dimensional in his skill set than Gai. Indeed, his students were pretty much guaranteed to become strong ninja…

…if, of course, they didn't go mad, suffer crippling injuries, or decide they'd rather take up some occupation less hazardous than being taught by Konoha's Number One Barking Mad Ninja, say hunting grizzly bears armed with a butterfly net and a Nerf bat. But then Naruto has his Kyuubi-derived regenerative abilities and boundless determination, Sasuke the opportunity to be taught by the guy who had regularly given Itachi wedgies in the ANBU locker room, and Sakura… well, Sakura…well, a fairly major philosopher has claimed what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

"Excellent, Pinky! Looks like you've got control down pat – we just need to work on your stamina! Now, before you climb the tree again, let's just tie this li'l ol' anvil onto your back…"

Personal power not being his thing, the notion of creating his own ninja village has never crossed his mind [2], and so Sound Village never existed. The Sound Four/Five/whatever made their own way in the world, mostly coming to bad ends sooner rather than later.

Kimimaro died, of course.

Sakon and Ukon, after leaving a village where they faced persecution (the whole "scary freak" thing) did rather well as bandit chief/chiefs, until they were poisoned by a disgruntled subordinate tired of being bossed around by a scary freak.

Coincidentally, Jirobo still ended up being killed by Choji, during the early skirmishes leading up to the Fourth Great Ninja War. (Being without the benefit of a Cursed Seal and facing a Choji which had fully mastered his clan's techniques, it was however a much shorter fight).

Kidomaru joined the circus.

Tayuya was the luckiest of the bunch, the foul-mouthed genjutsu expert having picked the right side in the war, signing up with the Leaf and its allies. She would survive the war, go on to marry an Inuzuka even more foul-mouthed than herself, and raise several obnoxious, foul-mouthed children.

"SHANARRO!!!"

"Heeelp!"

"You know, I was a bit worried about that girl for a while. But I think she's going to be aaall-right."

A dazed Naruto and Sasuke turned from their teacher's big "thumbs up" to the floor below, where a maniacally giggling Sakura was chasing Ino round and round the arena with a chainsaw.

"She's snapped, hasn't she" Naruto remarked in a monotone.

"Yes" replied Sasuke in a disinterested tone. He then extended his hand.

"Bastard" muttered Naruto, pulling out his wallet.

Itachi groaned, and staggered back a couple steps. Kisame stared in disbelief – had the weirdo in red somehow managed to break Tsukuyomi? No, he had collapsed, just like any other victim…

….and sat up again, unlike any other victim. Not good.

The weirdo then said "Knock, knock."

"No" groaned Itachi. "No more…"

"Who's there?"

"For a whole week…while I was skinning him alive...he's not human."

"Banana."

"And when I cut his tongue out…these…balloons with the words in them started appearing…"

"Banana who?"

"Let's get the hell out of here, Kisame…"

"Banana!"

Hidan had never really thought much about the fact his spell worked both ways.

"Not bad, 'Captain Voodoo' – and by the way, do you realize that blackface is nowadays considered politically incorrect? But look at what I can do with pliers, extra-hot chili powder and a melon baller!"

Now, for the first time in a long time, Hidan was beginning to feel – what was the word again? Worried.

[1] Although he occasionally does give Dutch rubs to random civilians when they are unable to remember the lead players of his favorite Snow Country accordion band.

[2] Well, the thought has occasionally crossed his mind, but never for more than five minutes. Last time, it involved clowns.