Yuki walked purposefully through the hospital, his usual indifferent countenance belying the raging turmoil within. Relief, anger, guilt, and at least a dozen other emotions all fought for dominance within his troubled soul. He was grateful that Shuichi was awake, but angry that he'd done something so abundantly stupid. The guilt that had lingered persistently like a dull throbbing toothache was now a constant smothering presence, and as always there was the steady undercurrent of love which had previously been contained within a darkened corner of Yuki's heart. As soon as he learned of Shuichi's recovery, however; it had been threatening to burst through those cleverly constructed levees. The latter by far was the most difficult for Yuki. It left him feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever.
"Yuki," Shuichi's mother exclaimed pulling him gratefully from his inner hell. "Thank you so much for coming so quickly. Shuichi's doctor wants him to rest, but you know he'll never do that until he's seen you." She laughed giddily. "He keeps repeating, "Where's Yuki? I've got to see Yuki!" All the worry and pain that had marred her face for the past six months was completely gone making the resemblance between mother and son even more remarkable.
Yuki nodded in acknowledgment knowing full well that words were not necessary. It was blatantly obvious that Shuichi had gotten his personality from his mother.
"By the way," she continued completely oblivious of Yuki's thinly veiled disinterest. "You just missed Hiro."
Mercifully, her phone interrupted the conversation. "Please excuse me," she waved him off politely as she searched through her purse.
Taking advantage of the distraction, Yuki waved goodbye and continued toward Shuichi's room. He was glad that he'd missed Hiro. They hadn't spoken more than a few grudging words to each other since the night Shuichi had tried to commit suicide. As he approached Shuichi's door, Hiro's words came back to haunt him.
'Damn you Yuki! You know this was all your fault! I always knew you were a cold hearted bastard. I just figured Shuichi would get sick of you and leave. I never dreamt it would come to this!'
Yuki suppressed a shudder as Hiro's sharp words echoed in his memory. The tragic irony was that Hiro was exactly right. He had, especially in the beginning, treated Shuichi coldly in the hopes he would tire of it quickly and leave. By the time Yuki realized he'd begun to fall for that annoying little brat, it was too late for him to change. At least that is what he'd thought at the time. Now that he'd witnessed firsthand the near catastrophic result of his behavior, he knew for Shuichi's sake, he'd have to make a drastic change.
After taking a deep, calming breath to dispel the echoes of Hiro's bitter condemnation, Yuki entered the room. He'd hoped that seeing Shuichi awake would unravel the knots which had remained tightly wound in his stomach ever since the start of this seemingly endless nightmare. He was sadly mistaken.
"Yuki," Shuichi whispered smiling weakly.
A lump formed in Yuki's throat at the sight of his once hyperactive, over-excitable lover looking so listless and frail. His skin looked much too pale in contrast to the dark hair that hung limply in his leaden and lifeless eyes. He watched in horror as Shuichi struggled to reach the bed's device that was not more than two inches away from his right hand. Although his muscles had been massaged and manipulated daily, he obviously was going to need a lot of therapy to regain his strength. Pressing the proper button, he inclined the bed as close to a sitting position as it would allow.
Shuichi's smile faltered at Yuki's silence. "Are you mad at me," he mumbled in trepidation.
"Now why the hell would I be mad at you," Yuki asked sarcastically. "You nearly killed yourself, you selfish little brat! You scared the hell out of… all of us! Do you have any idea what kind of hell you put us all through?"
"I'm sorry Yuki," he muttered remorsefully.
"I don't want an apology," Yuki interrupted sharply. "I just want to know why you did it."
Shuichi's gaze dropped into his lap. Shame and pain radiated from his face as his fingers fumbled with the starched white sheet.
Yuki sighed in chagrin. "Please Shuichi; I need to know the truth."
A lone tear streaked down his face leaving a perfect wet circle on the sheet between his fingers. "You all were leaving me behind," Shuichi's voice quivered as he tried vainly to control his emotions. "You, Hiro, and Suguru all have fulfilling careers. You don't know what it's like to be cast aside like yesterday's newspaper. I felt like such a burden to you. I was always in the way – always bothering you when you were trying to work. I tried to hang out with my friends to make things easier on you, but that didn't go very well either. Although I was always welcome at Hiro and Ayaka's house, I didn't want to interfere with their family, especially after Taro and Tanjiro were born. And it was way too awkward to be around Suguru and Akira for very long."
Shuichi sighed in defeat. "How could you possibly understand? Your fans still love you. They still want to read your books. They keep you so busy." He attempted to twist at the sheet, but his fingers wouldn't respond in the way he wanted. "I didn't know what to do anymore. Now that my career is over, you're all that I have." He looked pleadingly into Yuki's eyes. "I… just felt so alone."
Guilt surged into Yuki's heart. This is what he had secretly feared. Although Shuichi's depression was clearly not entirely his fault, his neglect had certainly been the proverbial straw that had broken the camel's back. Unable to withstand the intensity of Shuichi's sincere eyes, he turned away from the virtual culmination of his sins.
"Why didn't you just leave me," Yuki asked bitterly.
Shuichi laughed humorlessly. "I did leave you. For two weeks I moved back in with my mother, but I just couldn't stay away from you." Shuichi's voice faltered, and in his mind's eye, Yuki could envision his lover's bottom lip trembling as he fought against his emotions. "When I returned, you were still working furiously on your book. You never even knew I was gone."
Bile rose from Yuki's twisted, churning stomach. He'd known full well that Shuichi had left, but it never occurred to him that his lover had attempted to leave him. The very thought of Shuichi doing such a thing had never entered his mind.
Full of self loathing and remorse, Yuki slowly turned around. Shuichi was crying in earnest now. His head was bowed his shoulders shuddering slightly with each muffled sob. His left hand lifted slowly in an attempt to wipe the tears from his eyes, but halfway to its goal it flopped uselessly back into his lap. Despair radiated palpably from his face. It was as if he was expecting the weight of the world to come crashing down upon his fragile shoulders.
An overwhelming surge of protectiveness struck Yuki suddenly. It caught him completely off guard and shattered the very core of his ideology. He, Yuki, the cold hearted, aloof, not giving a damn about anyone else… felt compelled to comfort Shuichi. By their own volition, his feet carried him to his lover's bed.
Yuki sat on the edge of the bed facing Shuichi. Startled by the unexpected movement, he abruptly looked up and locked into Yuki's eyes. Confusion and surprise flittered quickly across Shuichi's face. It was the same expression he'd had that night in the park.
He was expecting me to leave, Yuki discerned in contrition. A fresh wave of guilt slammed against his heart. And he probably thought it would be for good this time.
Still acting on impulse, Yuki gently brushed the tears from Shuichi's cheeks, and then he hesitated for one brief moment before lightly, kissing his astonished lover's lips. The instant their lips met a surge of emotion swept through Yuki's body. The levees in his heart finally burst sending an overpowering flow of love into his parched and weary soul. From the very start of his tumultuous relationship with Shuichi, Yuki had been at war with himself. After being so brutally betrayed by Kitazawa, he'd made a solemn vow to never fall in love again. That night in the park, when he'd clung so desperately to Shuichi's lifeless body, he finally acknowledged the fact that that vow had been broken a long time ago. He pulled back and once again looked deeply into Shuichi's eyes. Unmistakable love radiated from them completely overwhelming Yuki's senses.
I love you… Why can't I just say I love you, Yuki pondered in dismay his lips still tantalizingly close to Shuichi's. He could feel the heat emanating from them beckoning him to capture them once again. Giving in to his desire, Yuki wrapped Shuichi in a tender embrace and fervently, devoured his lips. All of the love he couldn't possibly confess and all of the emotions he just couldn't show, Yuki tried desperately to convey it all with the strength of his arms and his fevered kisses.
Yuki was no stranger to passion. He'd experienced it countless times before, but this passion infused with the love he'd denied and had tried to ignore for so long, was enough to send him reeling. It heightened his senses like nothing else ever had. He could feel Shuichi's body trembling as he deepened their kiss. Someone must have smuggled in a box of Strawberry Pocky. He could taste the lingering strawberry on his lover's eager lips. He could hear his Shuichi's shallow, jagged breaths and feel his heart hammering against his chest. Yuki pulled away suddenly afraid.
"Don't stop," Shuichi begged breathlessly.
Yuki inwardly sighed in relief. "That's enough for now," he announced standing quickly.
"Yuki please," Shuichi wailed in protest.
"Sorry, Doctor's orders," he replied with mock sympathy as he headed toward the door.
"But Yuki…" Shuichi whined desperately.
"Just do as you are told for once," Yuki interrupted. "Rest and regain your strength." As he opened the door he flashed Shuichi a lecherous smile. "You're going to need every ounce of it when you get home."
He paused just long enough to see Shuichi's cheeks redden before turning to leave. As he hastened back toward his apartment, a plan began to take shape in his mind. This would be the most significant sacrifice of his life, but it was a sacrifice Yuki now knew for certain he'd have to make. A sense of urgency propelled him forward. He had an awful lot of work ahead of him and a finite amount of time in which to accomplish it.