Rather quick update, but such a sad, sad chapter! I'm sorry. I'll try to make the next one more happy. Lots of love to you!
Will knew something was up. He knew, because Rachel wouldn't look him in the eyes when she told him that everything was fine, and she didn't kiss him like she used to.
And he knew that he wasn't even supposed to think about this, think about her as if she was his girlfriend. She wasn't. She was his pupil... who he occasionally slept with and who had told him she loved him. Several times. Often moaning the words, but he thought it still counted.
Or, he had thought that it counted. But he knew something was up, he knew it, and he was going to figure out what it was.
So the next time they met, at his house this time, he simply asked her.
"Rachel, baby, is anything wrong?"
"Oh, no, I'm just thinking about whether my dad's actually believed that I was spending the night at Mercedes' place... I mean, obviously we've never been BFFs, but I panicked when dad asked, I couldn't remember the lie I'd thought of!"
He kissed her forehead. "I'm sure they bought it. Don't worry about that now. We're together, right?"
She nodded. "Yeah, we are." But she avoided his eyes. Honestly? That kind of pissed him off.
"What is up? You haven't even looked at me in the past hour! Come on, just tell me!"
He should've known that she would start to cry. She's too goddamn sensitive, he thought, but another part of his mind told him that he had overreacted. So he scooted closer to her in the sofa, and lay his arm around her shoulders.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout like that. It's just... I can tell that something is going on. Has it got anything to do with Puck?"
She nodded.
"Is he... Has he... What did he do?"
She laughed through her tears. "Oh, I can assure you, he hasn't done anything. He's very polite, actually, not at all like you'd expect him to be."
There was a note in her voice that annoyed him, something warm and...
"Wait a second. You're not... In love with him, are you?"
She just kept crying. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he thought. And he wasn't the swearing kind.
"Fuck", he said out loud. She laughed again, a hollow laughter.
"I don't know", she sighed. "I just don't know. All I can tell is that this pretended relationship with him was my worst idea ever. It's so confusing, everything. I don't know."
He sighed, too. He did not like where this was going.
"Rachel, I... I love you. I shouldn't, but I do. And I know that you love me too. Can't we... Isn't there anything we can do about it?"
She shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know, Will. I love you, I really do. But I feel like I'm going to burst with all these emotions."
Will moved even closer, and touched her hair. She had said the words, even now. He hoped that it was a good sign.
"Let's just try, shall we? I think we can work this out. It's alright. It's going to be alright. I love you."
She wiped her tears and kissed him. Perhaps it was going to be alright. It might be wrong, at this sensitive moment, but she sure could think of one way to cheer them both up. As things turned out, it did.
The next morning, however, all of her feelings returned. She saw Puck standing, waiting by her locker, and she - of course - began to cry again. He walked up to her, looking terrified, whispering "Please, Rach, whatever you do, don't tell me you're knocked up".
She violently shook her head. "No! God, no. I'm sorry, I'm just really upset. It's got nothing to do with you. Can you just kiss me and tell me it's going to be okay?" He did. And it made her feel better. He wiped away the tears from her face, took her hand and walked her to the classroom. They didn't have the same class, so he kissed her again and then sauntered down the corridor. She smiled at his back and walked into the room.
They had lunch together, and then found themselves by her locker again. He kissed her up against the wall, until she could hardly breath, and that's when she saw Will standing a bit further away. The look on his face was enough to make her break free from the kiss, and tell Puck she had to go to the bathroom. He laughed and spanked her as she ran past him into the girl's room. She silently cursed him for doing that.
Will found her later, alone in the choir room. She was practicing a new number, not facing the door, but she could tell by the steps who had just entered the room. And she could tell by the sound of them that he wasn't happy.
"Why do you do this to me?" he asked. She turned around. "I'm sorry", she said, almost automatically, but met his eye this time.
"No, see, you're not! If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place! Shit, Rachel, and I thought we had something!"
"We have!" she burst out. "We have something, and it's beautiful, but I'm sorry, it's also just a dream! You know we can never be together, because I'm a teenager and you're not!"
"I can't believe this", he said in a low voice. "You told me last night that you loved me, and now you tell me that our relationship is impossible?"
"It is, Will. It is. I've given this a whole lot of thought lately" - she laughed humourlessly at the amount of thought - "and... I just don't see it working out. I know I said I loved you. I still do. But I love Puck as well - yes, it's true! I love him!", she said as Will winced. "I love him, and he's my age, and he can kiss me in public without going to jail. I like that."
"I thought you liked this", Will said faintly, gesturing between them with his hands.
"I never liked this. I liked you. I hated this. I hated that I could never tell anyone, that we couldn't see eachother when we wanted to, that when I saw other schoolgirls flirting with you I just had to be quiet, because no one could ever know." She sat down at one of the benches in the room, now quiet. She felt as if she had nothing more to say.
Will ran his hands through his hair. "Fuck", he said. Seems as if I've become a curser after all.
"You know what? You're right. This has always been messed up. Rachel, I love you, but I'm not going to force you into something you hate. I hope Puck and you will be happy." With those words, he left the room again. Rachel sat on the bench, silently shaking with tears. She wanted this, she knew she wanted it, but it still broke her heart.