Chapter Eleven: Cutting Deep
Manhattan's SVU Squad Room
Saturday August 22nd, 10:00
Elliot, Olivia and Alex sat in the conference room and discussed what happened while she was in the warehouse with Markus Pharaoh and his six victims. Jess had been sitting at her desk. Munch and Fin were back interviewing the victims. Alex and the SVU squad had worked most of Thursday and all day Friday compiling the evidence against Pharaoh. In the end, Alex had charged him with distribution of child pornography, six counts of kidnapping and forcible confinement of a minor, one count of kidnapping and forcible confinement of a police officer and, so far, four counts of child sexual abuse. Evan Winthrop, Jacob Martinez, Quentin Stevenson and Trey Kingston were all able to give statements about what Markus Pharaoh had done to them in the warehouse. Alex met with them and their families on Friday and decided they would be strong enough to testify. Nathan Chan and Kyle Ryan had not been able to give full statements about what had happened to them. Fin and Munch would try again, but the victims were fragile.
Jess leaned back in her chair so she was able to see inside Captain Cragen's doorway. The man was sitting at his desk going over his detective's DD5's from Thursday. The blonde sighed, stood up and walked over to Cragen's office. She knocked on the door frame and he looked up. "Come in."
The teen wasn't sure where to begin. "I'm sorry."
Cragen leaned back in his chair. "For what?"
She shrugged. "Everything. I probably should have called you earlier…I mean I know I should have."
The Captain shook his head. "Look, Jess, you did what you had to do. I'm not saying it was the best decision you could have made, but…I understand it."
"Did I hurt those boys more by not calling you sooner?" Jess pushed back the urge to cry.
Cragen furrowed his brow as he looked up at her. "Yes and no." At least he was being honest with her, Jess thought to herself. "If you had called us earlier we would have stopped Markus Pharaoh sooner. But we wouldn't have the mountain of evidence to bury him like we do now. It's a catch-22, Jess."
She nodded. "How do I accept the fact that Livie might die doing this job?"
"You don't." The Captain shook his head. "If you do then I'd be worried. It's not a matter of accepting it; it's a matter of learning to live despite it. Talk to Kathy Stabler…or Alex."
The teen shook her head. "I'm not speaking to Alex."
"She was just trying to protect you. Alex came to us and the squad decided not to tell you the truth. You should be mad at all of us."
Jess raised her right eyebrow. "The squad didn't text me and pretend to be Liv. The squad didn't pretend to love me and then lie to my face."
Cragen narrowed his eyes. "Alex didn't pretend to love you, Jess…she does love you. That's why she worked so hard to keep the truth from you. She never wanted you to hurt the way you did when you saw Olivia's picture on that monitor."
Although Cragen was right, and Jess knew it, her heart couldn't shake the betrayal she felt. Jess changed the subject. "Did Elliot file paperwork with you?"
The Captain opened the top right hand drawer and pulled out a file. He threw it across the desk; Jess picked it up and opened it. She skimmed the three pages and set the file down on the desk. "You gonna sign Elliot's transfer papers?"
Cragen raised his brow. "That depends. You know he's only doing this because you told him to."
The teen nodded her head. Cragen continued. "Olivia and Elliot are good partners, Jess. Do you really think this is what Liv would want?"
Jess closed the file and slid it in front of the Captain. "She'll get over it. You'll assign her another partner and she will be fine."
Cragen sighed and Olivia walked into his office. She smiled at him and then looked at Jess. "Come with me."
The blonde nodded to the Captain and followed Olivia into the conference room. She sat beside her, and across the table from Alex and Elliot. Olivia started. "Jess, you know that what happened in the park to me wasn't Elliot's fault."
"So I've been told."
Elliot looked at Jess, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. "Jess, I am so sorry that I couldn't save Olivia. I tried…I really tried."
Jess remained silent and stared down at the table. Olivia looked at her. "You have to forgive El. It wasn't his fault. I know that and so do you. Forgive him." The young woman continued to stare at the table. Olivia's eyes widened. "I mean it, Jess, say it!"
The blonde looked at the woman beside her as she spoke. "Fine…I forgive him. Happy?"
Olivia nodded her head. "Oh, I'm thrilled," she said sarcastically. "Why can't you see past what El and Alex did? You know they were just trying to protect you!"
Jess stood up suddenly, sending the chair she had been sitting in backwards. "I don't need protection! I don't need things sugarcoated for me and I don't need to be handled like a child! After all the shit I have seen and the crap I've been through, do you really think I couldn't have handled the truth?!"
Alex looked across the table at the younger blonde. "It wasn't that we didn't think you could handle it, it's that we wanted to spare you the ugliness."
The teen narrowed her eyes at the A.D.A. "Oh…I see. So not telling me the truth was to spare me, but lying to me, pretending to be Livie in that text message…what was that?"
"A mistake. I messed up. I'm sorry, Jess. You were so upset and I just wanted you to hold on until Liv came back."
Jess shook her head and gestured with her hands in front of her. "Of course I was upset! I though Liv was ignoring me. I thought she hated me for what I said to her in Cragen's office. If you had told me the truth I wouldn't have thought that."
Elliot looked hard at the young woman. "Are you telling us that if we had told you the truth you wouldn't have been upset?"
"No, that's not what I am saying at all. I said I wouldn't have thought Liv hated me. If you had told me she had been abducted I would have been devastated. It scared the shit out of me to read that word under her picture on that monitor. At least I would have known what was really happening; how much danger she was really in. I deserve to know these things!"
Alex knew Jess was right. At the time though, faced with having to tell the young woman the truth she couldn't have done it. "You're right. We should have told you what really happened to Liv. You did deserve to know the truth. I am so sorry. You have no idea how much I regret lying to you."
Jess's eyes filled with tears as she looked at the older blonde. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone you love so much?" Her gaze turned to Elliot. "You were the first man I could stand to be around after my attack. You were the first one to treat me like me and not a victim." She looked down at the table and then back at Elliot. "I trusted you. I believed you would always tell me the truth, no matter what, when it came to Olivia. I hate you for lying to me." Tears fell down the young woman's cheeks as she turned to Alex. "Both of you." Jess left the room and walked to the stairwell. She hustled down the stairs, through the bullpen on the ground floor and out of the building into the sunlight.
Olivia looked across the table at her partner and her ex-lover. "She'll come around. She's hurt right now but that will lessen over time. You'll see."
Elliot came around the table and his partner stood up. "I would do anything to go back and make this right…all of it. Pharaoh should have never gotten you."
"El, stop." Olivia said, shaking her head. "He made me. There was no way to know that. You did everything right."
Elliot hugged his partner and she hugged him back. It was rare that he showed this much emotion but it felt right, for both partners. They let go of each other and became lost in the others eye's for a moment. "I fucked up with Jess. I don't know why I didn't tell her the truth. I am going to make it up to her though."
Olivia gave him a half-smile. "You didn't tell her the truth because you love her. You two have always had this…thing. The looks you give each other, the sly comments, the cook-offs. Jess will come around, El. You'll see."
He nodded and walked out of the room in order to leave the two women alone. Olivia went over to Alex and sat beside her. "Elliot isn't the only one who has bonded with Jess. You and she have always gotten along so well. She loves reading about your cases and spending time with you. It will take time, but she will forgive you."
Alex looked into Olivia's deep brown eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't do the right thing with Jess. I thought I could take care of her until the squad found you. I tried Liv, I really did."
The brunette hugged Alex. "Baby, I know you did. You did a great job with her. I really appreciated what you did. Stepping in and taking care of Jess means so much to me. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to watch her."
The women let go of each other. "I hate what I did to her."
Olivia looked into the deep blue eyes of the woman she still loved so much. "I know you do. You did it to protect her though, Al, and that shows just how much you love her. It proves the lengths you will go to for our little girl. She has changed you, changed your priories. You have changed hers, though too. Don't kid yourself, our daughter loves you and she needs you in her life. Her anger will fade, Al...you'll see."
Alex prayed that Olivia was right about that. It was hard for the A.D.A. to imagine her life without the shorter blonde.
488 Amsterdam Ave
Residence of Detective Olivia Benson
Sunday August 23rd, 09:35
Jess and Olivia sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast. The detective looked up from the Times and over at the blonde sitting across from her. "Do you have plans with Dick today?"
Although the teen was knee-deep in the Sudoku she looked up at the brunette. "Naw, not today. I told him I wanted to hang here with you."
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"Monday, he came to my baseball game and then went to dinner with me, Cass and Alexandra."
Olivia narrowed her eyes. "This is the longest you two have gone without seeing each other."
Jess nodded her head. "Yeah…and?"
"Nothing, it just seems odd to me that you don't want to see him."
"It isn't that I don't want to see him. It's that I want to see you more. I just…" the teen sighed, "want to be close to you today. Is that okay?"
The detective smiled and nodded. She dropped the subject and went back to the paper. The blonde went back to the Sudoku. Olivia did say one last thing without looking up. "Lucky break Novak got…being outside the warehouse when we brought Pharaoh out."
"Mmmmm," Jess murmured without looking up from the puzzle. She knew the detective had her in her lies. The teen also knew Olivia would never call her on any of them…it would mean implicating too many people.
The pair spent the day in Washington Square Park, sun tanning and reading with their feet in the fountain. They went to a bar a block from the park for dinner and then went back to Olivia's apartment. Jess got into her pj's, walked into Olivia's bedroom and climbed up on the bed. The brunette looked up from her book and grinned at her. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"
Jess got under the covers and snuggled up to the detective. "Want. I want you to read to me."
Olivia was slightly taken aback. The blonde had not asked her to read to her in well over a month. She put her arm around the young woman and looked down at her. "Ummm…I'm not sure you are going to want to hear some of the things in this book."
The teen looked up and met Olivia's eyes. "Why…what are you reading?"
"Let's just say there are some scenes of sexuality."
Jess grinned. "Livie, are you reading a dirty book?"
The detective's cheeks took on a red hue as she grinned. "Maybe…"
The blonde burst out laughing.
Olivia rolled her eyes. "Why don't I read you the book you are reading?"
Jess stopped laughing instantly. "No way."
"Oh…why is that?" The detective asked in a coy tone
"Cause…" the blonde's cheeks turned pink and her green eyes darken.
Olivia's jaw dropped slightly as her grin got wider. "Oh my God! You are reading a dirty book, too!"
The young woman buried her head in the brunette's side. A muffled and embarrassed "So" came from her mouth.
The detective moved and then wrestled with Jess a little in order for them to be face to face. "Sooo…people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
Jess giggled. "You're not mad?"
Olivia shook her head. "No. I mean…I'm not sure you should be reading stuff like that." The detective narrowed her eyes. "Wait…are you doing stuff like that."
The teen shrugged and the older woman's eyes widened. "Jess, are you and Dick having sex?"
She thought for a minute before answering. Jess knew she wouldn't be able to lie to Olivia. "Yes."
"You're 16!"
"So?"
"Jess, that is too young to be having sex."
The blonde gave Olivia a sideways glance. "Dick wasn't my first."
Olivia raised her right eyebrow. "Really?"
"Really. Look, Dick and I talked a lot about it before we had sex. We waited until I was ready. He listens to me. He never does anything I don't want to do. I'm on the pill and we use condoms."
"So you've got this whole sex thing handled then?"
Jess smiled. "Yes. Don't worry, if I had questions or needed advice I would ask."
Olivia looked into the blonde's green eyes. "I really hope you do. Now…your dirty book or mine?"
The blonde tickled the detective. "Yours, it's right here. My book isn't that dirty; there are just a couple of sexy scenes. It's no big deal. Plus you could read me the phone book, I really don't care. I just want to be here…with you."
The older woman gently tickled the young woman back. "I'm not going anywhere."
They settled down and Jess curled back up against Olivia. The brunette starting reading out loud and got through two chapters of the slightly smutty crime novel before falling asleep; Jess has lasted for a full chapter before she fell asleep.
The New York Times Building
620 Eighth Avenue
Sunday August 23rd, 12:17
Casey met the A.D.A. outside of work. She found it strange that Alex would call, on a Sunday and pretty much demand to speak. She nodded at the blonde as she walked up to her.
"Casey." Alex said, nodding back.
"What can I do for you, Alex?"
"I think we have some unfinished business."
The reporter's brow shot up in surprise. "Really?"
Alex narrowed her eyes slightly, showing that she was annoyed with the woman standing before her. "I asked you if you had talked to Jess on Wednesday and you said you hadn't. I asked you if you did hear from her to call me, you said that you would. Why did you lie about hearing from her?"
The strawberry blonde squinted her eyes, behind her sunglasses. "I didn't lie to you. I hadn't heard from her on Wednesday when you asked me."
"Drop the innocent crap, Casey. You did hear from her at some point and didn't call me, why?" Alex had become increasingly more angry as the days past after the ordeal at the warehouse. She was angry about many things and the ex-A.D.A. standing in front of her was one of those things.
"Jess called me on Thursday. She asked me to meet her and I did. She took me to the warehouse and I told her to call it in. I stood there while she called Cragen. I knew you would be notified, so I didn't call you." Casey said, in an annoyed tone. Who did Alexandra Cabot think she was?
"You still should have called me as soon as Jess contacted you!" Alex said through clenched teeth.
"Listen, it was a judgment call. I wanted to meet with Jess, find out what had been going on with her and then I was going to call you. When she showed me everything she had been working on I demanded that she call the squad immediately. What more did you want?"
"A phone call as soon as you hung up with Jess. She is my daughter, Novak!" Alex said, gesturing towards Casey.
"Jess is Olivia's daughter, not yours. I had every intention of calling you as soon as I saw her. You're obviously never going to believe me. This conversation is over." Casey turned to leave but Alex grabbed her arm.
"You're right; I'm never going to believe you. I know you where never going to call me. How does it feel to have used a teenager to get the front-page story, Novak." The blonde said in an eerily calm tone.
"I didn't use Jess, I care about her; although apparently you and the D.A.'s office have no trouble using her to make your child pornography case. Tell me Cabot, how does it feel knowing Jess saw each and every one of those videos on that disgusting website?" Casey asked in an angry tone as she yanked her arm out of the A.D.A's grip.
"Don't you ever bring that up again. You used that little girl to get your name in the by-line. At least I got a child molester off the street. Stay away from Jess." Alex said, pointing to Casey.
"At least Jess wants to see me; I hear she doesn't want to ever see you again. Oh and Cabot, if you touch me again, I'll have you arrested." Casey seethed. She turned and went back into The Times Building.
Alex closed her eyes and sighed. She missed Jess more than anything.
60 Centre Street
Supreme Court
Courtroom of Judge Lena PetrovskyMonday August 24th, 09:06
Court had come to order and Alex was addressing the room. "The people are ready to proceed in this case. I call Jessica O'Malley to the stand."
Jess was sworn in and Alex asked her numerous questions including explaining her work on not only finding Ronald Blaze's address but also finding the encrypted files on his external hard drive. She was cross-examined by Blaze's attorney. He tried to trick and discredit her on the stand but Jess told the truth and her testimony was strong. Petrovsky called recess for lunch. Olivia asked Alex to lunch with her and Jess. The three women ate at a restaurant around the corner from the courthouse. Alex and Olivia talked while Jess IM'd with Dick on her phone. About 15 minutes into the lunch the detective looked at the shorter blonde. "Are you going to join this lunch or not?"
The teen looked up from her phone. "I'm texting Dick."
Olivia shook her head. "Not anymore your not. Eat and talk to us. You can text your boyfriend later."
Jess rolled her eyes but put the phone down.
Alex and Olivia talked while Jess ate her lunch in silence. The older blonde addressed the younger one. "You gave great testimony, Jessie."
"I told the truth. It wasn't that hard," she said with no real emotion.
The A.D.A. couldn't tell if Jess had meant the statement to be a dig at her or not. She continued to try and have a conversation with the young woman. "I think I can make your game tonight. It's in Chelsea Park again, right?"
Jess shook her head slightly and spoke quietly. "I don't want you to come. I told you to stay out of my life." She looked at Olivia. "I'll meet you back in the courthouse." The teen got up from the table, grabbed her phone and left the restaurant.
The brunette look across the table; Alex looked crushed. "Al, she loves you. You know that. Just give her some time."
Alex looked at Olivia with tears in her eyes. "The opposite of love isn't hate…its intolerance. Our daughter can't even stand to sit at a table with me and have lunch."
Olivia shook her head. "Jess will come around," the detective narrowed her eyes. "When did Jess tell you to stay out of her life?"
Without thinking the blonde told the truth about what had been said in the conference room between herself, Elliot and Jess. "That morning she went to the squad room and found your picture on the monitor. She told me to stay out of both your lives and told Elliot to transfer out of Special Victims."
"What?! Alex why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Elliot tell me?"
Alex looked across the table, withdrawn. "Jess was angry and devastated. Her whole world had just fallen apart. I didn't think she meant what she was saying." She looked to the empty seat where Jess had been sitting moments earlier. "I miss-judged her."
"And Elliot?"
She nodded her head still looking at the empty seat. "El knew Jess was serious. He put in his transfer papers."
"I have to talk to him." Olivia pulled out her cell phone and hit Elliot's name in her contacts. "Did Cragen sign them?"
Alex shook her head. "I'm not sure."
"El, it's me. Call me back." The detective closed the phone and looked at Alex. "I don't want another partner."
The women paid the cheque, left the restaurant and went back to the courthouse.
Petrovsky called court back into session and Olivia was called as the next witness. She had opted to wear a tight black skirt, a skin tight blue silky blouse and three-inch black pumps. As opposed to Jess, who had worn black dress pants, a tight black blouse and black and pink DC skate shoes. From her vantage point in the gallery, the shorter blonde could see the taller one bite her bottom lip as she looked at Olivia. Jess's gaze went to the detective. The right side of the brunette's mouth tugged up with the hint of a smile. Jess couldn't believe it. Even though they had lunch together and after everything Alex had put Liv though she had still dressed to make the blonde sweat…and it had worked.
Olivia's testimony was accurate and factual. Even on cross-examination the detective never faltered. After she stepped down Petrovsky recessed court until the morning. Alex and Olivia said goodbye to each other and brunette nodded to Jess. They left the courtroom together and outside the doors the detective had it out with the teen. "You had no right telling Alex to stay out of my life. She is my friend Jess, you know that."
Jess pointed at the courtroom doors. "She left us!"
"No! No she didn't. Alex and I spilt up. You know that. How many times do we have to go over this? She loves you!"
The blonde shook her head but said nothing.
Olivia continued. "Why the hell did you tell Elliot to transfer out of SVU?"
"I did what had to be done," Jess said looking down at the ground.
The detective's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
Jess looked up at her and narrowed her eyes. "You heard me."
Olivia's jaw dropped and her eyes filled with rage. "You had better reel yourself in, Jessica. My life is none of your business. Do you hear me?"
The blonde stood in silence.
"Do you hear me?!"
Jess nodded.
"Elliot is my partner. I don't want another partner. He is a good cop, Jessica." Olivia shook her head. "I just…I can't believe this is happening. He put in his papers, Jess!" The detective walked away and left the blonde standing in the hall of the courthouse.
Olivia went to the squad room and Jess went home to change and get her baseball gear.
Dick was the only one Jess knew in the small bleachers during the game. She had thought about talking to him about what had happened between her and Olivia earlier but decided against it. She said goodbye to him after the game and told him she would see him tomorrow. Casey watched Jess see her boyfriend off after the game. There was definitely something wrong with the shortstop. When she came back to the dugout to pack up her gear the strawberry blonde spoke to her, "What's wrong, Shorty?"
Jess shook her head. "Nothin'"
"What am I, stupid? Look at me," Casey said.
The teen looked up at her and she continued. "What's wrong?"
They were alone in the fenced-in dugout now. Jess had no one else to talk to. Everyone else was too close to the situation. It was Casey or no one and the blonde was starting to lose her grip; she had missed two therapy appointments. "I fucked up."
Casey shook her head. "You got in pretty deep with that Pharaoh case."
"No, not that," Jess shook her head. "I fucked up with Livie. I told Elliot to transfer out of SVU because I thought he let Pharaoh take Liv. I was so angry with him for losing her that I told him to put in his paperwork."
The taller woman raised her brow. "Did he?"
Jess nodded. "Liv is pissed. She doesn't want another partner."
"They are a good team. Elliot and Liv complement each other, Shorty, and they are both good cops. I know you are angry with him but that's a decision Elliot needed to make on his own. He put in his papers because he loves you and feels guilty, not because he wants to."
"Do you honestly think I don't know that?!" Jess sighed. She was angry at herself, not Casey. The blonde lowered her voice. "Cass, help me fix this. What do I do?"
The strawberry blonde looked down at Jess. The kid was broken. "Go to Elliot. Make it right with him. You are angry with the situation. Jess, you have taken it out on everyone around you but the truth is: shit happens. There is nothing anyone could have done to save Liv."
"What do I do with the anger?" Jess asked in a withdrawn tone.
Casey shook her head. "I don't know. Everyone is different. I go to the batting cages and hit balls until I can't lift my arms anymore." She took the younger woman's face in her right hand. "Liv jogs and Elliot shoots hoops or hits the bag in the locker room at work. Do what you need to do, but at the end of the day, Jess, talk to El."
Jess nodded and hugged Casey. "Thanks, Cass."
Manhattan's SVU Squad Room
Monday August 24th, 22:12
On the subway ride uptown the teenager went over the last week in her mind. Jess felt as though she had lost everything. She had gotten some of her life back but it seemed disjointed. She had Olivia but not Alex. She had worked a case and gotten charges to stick against a perp, but she had done it without the SVU squad or Morales.
When she walked into the bullpen it was empty. It hadn't surprised her, it was late. Jess wasn't sure what had drawn her to the squad room but she knew she had to come up there. The blonde ran her hand over Elliot's desk and then Olivia's. She sat at her own desk, dropped her ball gear on the floor and looked around. What had she done? Anger filled Jess. She stood up, walked down the hall and into the locker room. The teen grabbed the tape on the way in and started wrapping her hands and wrists the way Munch had shown her. She put on the gloves, stepped up to the bag and hit it. On the downswing she hit it again.
Jess thought about each of the six little boys she had seen in Markus Pharaoh's videos and she hit the bag again. She remembered seeing Olivia's picture on the monitor and hit the bag. She thought about how hard it would be for Elliot and Olivia to be separated and hit the bag. Jess wondered how difficult it would be for Alex and Olivia to be apart and hit the bag. Rage took over as she thought about how it was her fault that Alex and Olivia hadn't worked out. As the blonde hit the bag tears started to run down her cheeks. She hated herself for what she had done. Although she could barely see through her tears she continued to throw punches. All she could hear were her own thoughts. What had she done?
Her arms felt like lead but she kept swinging them. She had everything and lost it all. The bag became harder to move and her muscles stung. What had she done? The bag became impossible to move and her lungs burned. Jess stumbled back and put her hands behind her head to get more air.
As her sight became clear again she realized why the bag had become impossible to move…Elliot Stabler was holding it with his entire body. "You have a hell of a left-hook."
Jess spoke with labored breath. Her gloved hands still behind her head. "Thanks."
"Why are you so angry?" Elliot asked.
The blonde was incapable of holding back. "I broke Olivia and Alexandra up."
"How do you figure?" Elliot raised his brow; not only at the statement but by the use of both women's full names.
Jess had caught her breath and let her hands fall to her sides. "They think I need to be watched 24/7; like I'm a baby, or a puppy or a bomb. They fought all the time about who was going to leave work and babysit me. When they did make plans to be together one of them would have to cancel to get caught up on work they neglected earlier to come home and watch me."
Elliot narrowed his eyes. "Did you tell them to lay off you? That you could take care of yourself?"
"Yes! I told them over and over but they wouldn't listen. Now look at what I have done." The teen pulled off the gloves she was wearing and threw them on the ground.
The detective shook his head. "You didn't do that. You didn't break them up. If they can't see that you can take care of yourself sometimes then that is their fault, Jess, not yours. I told Liv to back off you. I told her you could stay with us sometimes."
Jess raised her brow. "You told her that?"
Elliot nodded. "Yes, I did. I could tell they were smothering you. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that they needed to spend more time together and slightly less with you."
The blonde looked down at the floor and then back into Elliot's blue eyes. "Thanks" He nodded and Jess continued. "Did you talk to Liv today?"
"No. She called me a bunch of times but I didn't call her back."
Jess nodded to him slightly. "She knows you put in for a transfer."
The detective nodded. "I figured. She sounded pissed."
"She's pissed at me, not you. She knows I told you to put in your papers."
Elliot shrugged. "It's the right thing to do. She'll get used to it."
The teen looked hard at Elliot. "No, no it's not and I don't think she will."
"What are you talking about?"
Jess shook her head. "I was devastated when I saw Livie's picture on that monitor. My whole life is wrapped up in her, El. I love her so much. I blamed you for what Markus Pharaoh did and that was wrong. I was wrong. What happened in the park wasn't your fault. I see that now." She took a couple of steps toward Elliot. "I don't want you to transfer out of SVU. I want you and Livie to be partners." Jess threw her arms around the detective. "I trust you. I know you will protect her, El. Please…please don't transfer."
Elliot put his arms around the young woman. He kissed the top of her head. "Okay. I won't leave. Jess, I promise I will keep her safe."
The young woman held him tighter. "Thank you"
488 Amsterdam Ave
Residence of Detective Olivia Benson
Monday August 24th, 23:41
Elliot had driven Jess home to make sure she got there safely. He told her that Olivia had come to the squad looking for him but while she was there had put in for some personal time. The Captain had approved it on the spot.
The young woman entered the apartment, took off her shoes and dropped her ball gear at the door. She padded down the hall and to the doorway of the brunette's bedroom. Jess peered in and saw the detective lying on her side with her back to the door. The teen crept into the room and around the end of the bed. Olivia was sleeping, but it was obvious by the Kleenexes balled up beside her on the bed that she had been crying. Jess's heart broke. She had hurt Olivia.
Jess left Olivia's bedroom and went to the bathroom. She opened the mirrored cabinet above the sink and found a straight razorblade. She grabbed a black facecloth from a pile of freshly laundered towels. The teen walked from the bathroom to her bedroom and closed the door. Jess undressed and put on cotton pants and a tank-top. She sat with her back against the bedroom door. She took the razorblade and ran it up her forearm. As the blade dug in and sliced through her skin it left a thin red line of blood in its wake. Jess stared at her wrist again and dug the blade in. She inhaled at the first bit of pain as it sunk in, but exhaled as she ran the blade the length of her forearm. She hadn't cut herself in over a year and a half. The blonde had wanted to after Brian Nudds had attacked her. Having Olivia around and Elliot distracting her had stopped Jess. She made five perfectly straight cuts along her forearm before she stopped. The teen watched the blood seep out of the wounds and run around her arm. The streams ran together and started to drip onto her pant legs. She knew it was time. Jess put the facecloth over her forearm and pressed down.
The blonde sat in front of the door for awhile. She thought about what Elliot had said to her that day. Jess went over what everyone had said to her recently, include Judge Petrovsky. If she had any hope of making Olivia better she had to get her shit together. The detective didn't deserve a kid that acted the way she had over the last week. She started with her arm. The teen went back to the bathroom and washed the blood off of her forearm. Having cut many times before, she knew how to hide the cuts until they healed and how to keep them from scarring. She would leave them as they were overnight and dress them in the morning. Jess went back to her bedroom, closed the door and tried to sleep.
Tuesday August 25th, 07:57
Jess woke and showered. She put salve and a large bandage on her forearm before dressing. She padded into Olivia's bedroom. The detective was awake. "I'm going to make breakfast. Do you want some?" she asked quietly.
Olivia shook her head slightly but didn't say anything. Jess left and made breakfast. She made enough for the brunette and herself. Just before she left she brought in a plate for the detective. "Livie, please eat."
She looked down at the plate and then went back to staring blankly into space. Olivia felt as though she had lost everything. Her partner was leaving her. The young woman she considered to be her daughter was completely out of control and she couldn't help her. Then there was Alex. They continued to play their cat and mouse game in court; still had lunch together. But her A.D.A. wasn't here. She wasn't in her arms, wasn't in her bed and wouldn't be ever again. Jess leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. Olivia wasn't sure if she had been talking but then the young woman left her line of sight.
One Police Plaza
Computer Crimes
Tuesday August 25th, 09:24
When Jess had exited the subway near One P.P. she had called Ken Randle and asked if he could meet her later. They setup a time and she walked into the building and rode the elevator to the third floor.
Morales was surprised to see Jess when she walked through the doorway and into 'their' office. She grinned at him. "So…where is your laptop?"
He smiled back at her. "You're too late."
Jess furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?"
"I already fixed it. It wasn't that hard. You didn't burn me beyond recognition," he rolled his eyes.
She smiled at him. "My bark is worse than my bite…this time. If I had wanted to burn you beyond recognition I would have. I just needed you to stop."
Morales gave a half-smile and nodded. "I know."
"Listen, I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"
He nodded.
Jess stepped closer to him. "I'm sorry your new GPS device was seized as evidence. Once Liv found out it was on her ring, she turned it over to the squad."
The tech shrugged. "I'm just glad it found Olivia."
The blonde nodded. "I have been thinking a lot about what I do here and how much time I spend here. At the end of the summer I had planned to ask you to help me convince Liv to let me stay here full-time and go to school through correspondence."
Morales pursed his lips. "And now?"
"And now I think that would be a bad idea." Jess sighed. "I love working here, doing what I do. But I became far too involved in the Pharaoh website case." She shook her head. "I don't ever want to be that involved in a case again."
The tech nodded. "You are a great tech., probably the best we have working here right now. I would love for you to stay on, part-time if you are comfortable with that. I would never ask you to be as involved in a case as you were with the last one. If you continue to work here you'll be doing grunt work."
Jess snickered and gave a half smile. "As long as it's your grunt work…I'll take it."
Morales laughed. "When are you going to spring this on Olivia?"
The teen's face tightened. "Not this week. I'll ask her soon though and let you know."
"Are you coming back this week?"
Jess nodded. "As soon as I procure a laptop, as mine was seized as evidence."
"I can get you a laptop."
The blonde shook her head. "Naw, I know a guy. He made me my last one. I'll call you once I have my shit together."
Morales smiled and nodded. "Good, see ya then."
Jess grinned. "For sure."
Hudson University
Tuesday August 25th, 12:41
"I take it this meeting has to do with laptops," Ken gave a half-smile as the blonde walked up and hugged him.
She pushed off Ken, looked up at him with a half-grin. "Okay, okay…I'm sorry your laptop was seized as evidence."
He shook his head. "I knew it would be."
Jess reached into her pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to Ken. He took it from her and opened it. His eyes widened. "Jess, what the hell is this?"
"The money I owe you for the laptop you sacrificed."
Ken looked at her. "Take it back."
"No way. You are owed that money, man."
"Screw the money…take it back," he held the envelope out to her.
She put her hands in the pockets of her board shorts.
He shook his head. "I'm going to give it to the next person that walks by."
Jess laughed. "No you're not!"
A guy walked across the lawn they were standing on, heading towards the Computer Sciences building. Ken looked at him and spoke to him when he got close enough. "Hey man, want some money?" He held out the envelope to the guy. Jess grabbed it and narrowed her eyes at Ken as she spoke to the guy. "I'm sorry. My friend seems to have lost his ever-lovin' mind." The guy shook his head and continued across the rest of the grass and into the building.
"What the hell is your problem?"
Ken smiled. "I told you to take the money back. Now you're holding the envelope."
The blonde sighed in defeat. "Fine. Take half the money and build me a new laptop."
"That I will do," Ken held out his hand.
Jess counted out the money and handed it to him. "I need that laptop like yesterday."
Ken shook his head. "It's never easy when you are involved in something."
The teen rolled her eyes. "You're tellin'me."
Manhattan's SVU Squad Room
Tuesday August 25th, 14:07
It was almost a full house when Jess walked into the bullpen, Olivia was missing. She was greeted with the usual fanfare as she settled into the seat behind her desk. The blonde looked at Elliot. "I need your help."
He set the papers he was going through down on his desk. "What's up?"
Jess looked around and then leaned closer to Elliot. He took the hint and leaned closer to her. "Liv won't get out of bed. She won't eat either. I can't get her and Alexandra back together but I can deliver you to her."
Elliot shook his head. "Why would she want to see me?"
The teen rolled her eyes. "Christ old man…you are slow. She still thinks you are transferring out of this squad. She needs to hear it from you that you're not leaving."
"Look, Jess, I'm not really that great at the whole emotional thing."
Jess narrowed her eyes at him. "Well you had better base up in the next 30 minutes cause you are going to talk to her."
"I can't go now…it's the middle of the day."
"El, this is Livie we are talking about. Are you going to make the time or not?"
He gave Jess a sideways look, got up and walked into Cragen's office. There was some discussion and then Elliot walked out of the office and back to his desk. He opened the middle drawer of his desk and fished out the keys to his car. "Let's roll."
Jess smiled at him and he met her eyes. "You are going to help me 'base up' on the way uptown."
The blonde continued to smile but rolled her eyes at him.
488 Amsterdam Ave
Residence of Detective Olivia Benson
Tuesday August 25th, 14:52
When they entered the brunette's bedroom she was still lying on her side. She was curled up tightly. Jess and Elliot looked at her from the bottom of the bed. "She's sleeping," Elliot whispered.
"Wake her," Jess coaxed quietly.
He looked at the blonde and shook his head. She sighed. "Then take this out to the kitchen." Jess moved around to the side of the bed, picked up the plate of uneaten food and handed it to Elliot. He took it and disappeared. She picked up the trash can beside the bedside table and threw all the used tissues into it. Jess set it back down and climbed onto the bed. Elliot returned from the kitchen but stood outside the door and listened. He really had no idea what to say to his partner. Jess kissed Olivia's forehead and stroked her long hair. The detective woke up and looked at the blonde. Her eyes were dull and sad. "Why didn't you eat?"
The detective said nothing. Jess raised her brow. "Look, I know I have been out of control lately." She sighed and looked into the emotionless brown eyes of the brunette. "You were right. I need to reel myself in. I have. I am so sorry for putting you through what I have. You didn't deserve any of it and if I could take it all back I would. I never meant to hurt you."
Olivia wanted to tell Jess it was okay. She wanted to say she forgave her. The detective had the words she just couldn't say them. She couldn't say anything. Olivia looked away from her little girl.
Jess wasn't sure what to do. Olivia hated her, and she had every right to. What had she done? She kissed the brunette's forehead again and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Livie." Jess got off the bed and walked out of the room. She jumped slightly at the sight of Elliot standing right outside the bedroom door. She walked into her bedroom and he followed closing the door behind himself. Jess turned and looked at him. "What the hell, old man? Why are you spying?"
Elliot looked down at her. "I didn't mean to. Look, Jess, I don't know what to say to her."
"You put in your papers because of me right?"
He nodded.
"You didn't want to leave the squad did you?"
"Well, no not really."
"Why?"
"I like what I do. I like my partner…"
"Why do you like her?"
He shrugged. "We're in sync. She knows me, she puts up with me. I like that she knows what I'm thinking…"
Jess held up her palms. "Stop. Go in there and tell her this."
Elliot squinted his eyes but left Jess's bedroom and went to Olivia's. He walked around the bed so that he was in her eye line. His partner was wake but she didn't appear too be aware of his presence. He cleared his throat. "Liv, I was an asshole. I should have called you back yesterday but I didn't know what to say. I felt guilty about what happened in the park with Pharaoh." He ran his right hand over his jaw. "Actually, I still feel guilty about it. I should have followed closer.." Elliot sighed. "Look, I did put in for a transfer out of SVU. I should have been honest with you about it but…I just didn't know what to say. When you put in for a new partner a few years ago I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I made a lot of mistakes. It made me realize who and what you are to me."
He and Olivia held their eye contact as he got down on his knees and put his elbows on her bed. "I need you. You ground me…you get my shit together. You call me on my bullshit." He smiled slightly. "I need your optimism. I need to see you roll your eyes at me. I need to see you smile. I need a partner that I can trust and I only trust you."
Elliot held out his hand to his partner. "I took back my transfer papers from Cragen. I'm not leaving. Will you take me back?" he asked sheepishly.
Olivia held out her hand and took Elliot's in hers. She smiled. "I guess I have to take you back. There is no way Fin or Munch will put up with your shit."
He smiled at her. "You're right," his smile faded. "Why are you here, in bed?"
His partner sighed as she let go of his hand. "You were leaving me, Alex's has already left me and Jess…"
"And Jess what?"
She shook her head. "And Jess is 16 years old, with the life experiences of a 35 year old, has a mind that bounces between those ages and idles at 12 on a slow day. I love her, El. I'm going to adopt her but I'm not sure I can handle this."
Elliot smiled. "I have helped raise three teenage daughters. Believe me…no one can handle them. I'll admit Jess is different though. She got too close to the case this time. She wanted it and we let her have it. We know better now."
The brunette shook her head. "I should have known better from the beginning. I'm supposed to protect her and instead she saved me."
He squinted his eyes at her. "Liv, we all make mistakes. Look at my kids for Gods sakes. I'm not about to win any greatest dad awards. Parenthood is messy, it's dirty, ugly, never-ending, heart-wrenching, and nerve-breaking but it's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. For all the late nights Kathy and I have had to wait up, all the tears, all the screaming and arguing I still wouldn't trade being a father for anything in the world."
Olivia grinned slightly. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Jess. My happiness is wrapped up in her, El."
"Hers is wrapped up in you, Liv. She would do anything for you. You saw what that little girl did for you last week."
The detective nodded. "Yes, I did."
Elliot cocked his head slightly to the right. "You have to admit she's a survivor. I know you think you need to be with her all the time…or at the very least someone has to be. I'm telling you, that's not true. Jess needs her own space. She proved last week that she can take care of herself. You have to cut the apron strings, Liv."
Olivia laughed for the first time in over a day. "Apron stings! Elliot, get the hell outta my bedroom with your lame crap."
He pushed off the bed, stood up and rolled his eyes at her. "Well, don't ever pull this 'woe is me' shit again and then maybe I won't have to come all the way up here, taking time off work, to get your lame ass outta bed."
She sat up in bed; a smile had hijacked her face. "Oh, Jesus Christ! I pull your act together everyday. I need you one time, Elliot…one time… and you act as if you're moving mountains."
The detective had a grin on his face as he spoke. "I come up here, just trying to help you out and all I get is attitude."
Jess stood in the doorway of the bedroom. "You get attitude because you come in here peddling that after-school-special garbage. Your shit is weak, old man…weak!"
Elliot laughed and flipped Jess the bird. She laughed out loud and looked at Olivia. The trademark crooked smile was back and so was the detective.
"You coming to work tomorrow or what?" Elliot asked, looking at his partner.
She rolled her eyes and nodded. "I'll be there."
18:37
Olivia and Jess sat at the kitchen table and ate dinner. They had made it together and the music that had driven the women while they cooked was now turned down so they could talk in normal voices to each other. The younger woman looked at the older one. "I really am sorry for meddling in your life. I shouldn't have told Elliot to transfer."
The detective smiled across the table. "I forgive you. I know how difficult it must have been for you to think I was gone." She shook her head. "I know how I felt when I wondered if I would ever see you again. God…Jessie, I though about you so much before you found me."
"I thought about you, too. Before I knew what really happened to you, all I could think about was how much I missed you, how much I loved you."
Olivia wanted to bring up Alex. Jess had to forgive her, too. The detective decided it was too soon and went another direction. "Are you going to work tomorrow?"
The blonde shrugged as she swallowed the food in her mouth. "Depends."
"On?" Olivia put a mouthful of food on her fork and ate it.
Jess picked up her glass and took a drink. "On when Ken finishes my new laptop."
The brunette smiled. "So…you have the whole day free tomorrow?"
"It would appear that way, yes…" Jess raised her right eyebrow wondering where this was going.
Olivia smiled. "Great, go to Mount Pleasant Prep and meet the Headmaster. He left a message saying that there were some forms you have to fill out for classes in September."
The teen's jaw dropped slightly. "Can we talk about this for a minute?"
"What is there to talk about? We had a deal that you would work the summer with Morales and then go to school in September."
Jess regained her composure. "Yeah I know, and I will go to school in September, that was the deal. I was thinking maybe we could make another deal."
The detective was skeptical. "Well...out with it, kid. I can hear the hamster in your head running double time on its wheel."
Sitting straighter in her chair Jess started. "Okay, for the last two years I've gone to school in the morning and worked at the diner starting at noon. If I can finagle a schedule, in the new school, where I only have morning classes can I still work for Morales from one until five?"
Olivia wasn't sure she liked the sound of this. "I need you to hear me out on this…"
"But Livie, it would be the same as if…"
The brunette held up her hands, palms out. "and not interrupt me."
"Okay, I'm sorry. Please, go on," Jess said in an apologetic tone.
"You are 16 years old. Over the past few years you have been forced to act much older than you really are. I want more for you. You deserve more. Jess, I want you to have a normal life. Wake up, go to school, come home, do your homework, eat dinner, watch TV, talk on the phone, IM your friends, dye more streaks in your hair…whatever. I want there to be some normality in your life. Having me as your adopted parent is going to be chaotic enough, I want your life to remain as normal as possible."
Jess gave a half-smile and looked around the kitchen. "I'm sorry; do we live in a house in Glen Oaks, Queens? Is there some white picket fence I am unaware of around here?" She said in a sarcastic tone. She shook her head. "I'm not that kid. I'm not the kind of kid that can do those things. I can't just go to school and come home, do homework and chill. I've never done that." She sighed. "How can you ask me to just become someone I'm not? Oh and P.S. why do I have to go to Mount Pleasant Prep? Why can't I just go down the street to H.S. 26?"
She had a point Olivia thought to herself. "Alright…maybe you aren't 'that' kid, but do you want to be? There is nothing wrong with it. Maybe you should try it? You are going to Mount Pleasant because that is what we decided."
The blonde shook her head. "I don't want to try it. I want to be me. No matter what I have done to you or what I have said, you have never asked me to be someone I'm not. Please…please don't ask me to now. Chaos is my normalcy. I like being in the middle of things. Why do you think I like the squad room so much?"
Olivia smiled. "Cause you're nuts."
The right corner of Jess's mouth tugged up in the start of a smile. "That and…I like being in the middle of you guys. It makes me feel like I'm apart of something bigger than just me." Jess shook her head. "It won't be like this last case, Livie. I talked to Morales and told him I never wanted to be as involved in another case the way I was with this one. He agreed. I swear it will only be grunt work for me from now on. Oh and we didn't decide anything. Mount Pleasant was Alexandra's idea, not ours."
"If you can sweet-talk the Headmaster into this morning class schedule, and if you can maintain your grade-point average, you can work for Morales in the afternoons. But you will only be working for Morales…do you hear me?" Olivia shot the young woman a stern look.
A full on grin appear on Jess's face. "Totally!" She jumped out of her chair and hugged Olivia. "Thanks, Livie!"
"Yeah, yeah…remember this when I ask you to do something you don't want to." She said with a smile on her face. She pushed the younger woman off of her so they could look each other in the eyes. "Mount Pleasant Prep is a great school, and was a decision that you, myself and Alex all agreed on." Olivia furrowed her brow. "Don't act as if you weren't part of the decision and that you aren't happy to be going there."
"Regular kids don't go there." Jess said with her right eyebrow cocked.
"Yes they do." Olivia said, wide eyed. Two weeks ago when her acceptance to the Prep school came in the mail Jess was overjoyed, and she and Alex were so proud their little girl had done so well on the entrance exam and interview.
"Did you go to a private school for high school?"
"No, but that doesn't mean anything. My mother couldn't afford to send me."
"Alexandra is paying my tuition isn't she?" The blonde asked looking away.
"Some of it, yes." Olivia said nodding. "I know you don't like her very much right now, you are entitled to that, but you do love her. She loves you, too."
"I love you." Jess said, looking at the detective. "Oh and you are going to be my adopted mother."
The brunette looked at Jess, confused. "Excuse me?"
"You referred to yourself a minute ago as my adopted parent. You will be my adopted mother, Livie. Get use to the term," Jess continued to smile.
Olivia looked up at her. "Jess, I know you have a mother. I don't want to take away from her."
The teen's smile and facial expression changed, it was warmer. "You're not. I miss my mother everyday. It took a long time but I have finally stopped hoping she will come back. I know she won't, no matter what I do or say." Jess held Olivia's hand in hers. "She would want me to be happy, and I am when I'm with you. She would want someone who loves me to raise me, and I know you love me. I'm not forgetting her or replacing her in someway with you. Please don't think that." She sighed. "For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm part of a family…like I belong with you. And between the Stabler's and the guys in the squad room for the first time in my life I feel like a have a very large extended family. I just…I want it to be official, you know?"
The detective smiled. "Yes…I know."
The next day Olivia went to work. Jess went to Mount Pleasant Preparatory Academy, spoke to the Headmaster, filled out the forms and got her morning class schedule. Ken called her and she went and picked up her new laptop. She went right home to play with it. As she walked up to the building the doorman smiled at her. "There is a package inside for you, Jess."
She smiled back. "Thanks, Frank." He opened the door for her and she walked through and over to the security desk.
"Hey, Jess. A large package came for you this morning. Here." the guard dragged it out from behind the desk. "Were you expecting this?"
Jess looked at the return address on the shipping receipt. The package had been priority shipped, overnight. Although she hadn't been expecting a package she recognize the address. The teen lied. "Yeah, thanks for keeping it all day, Carlos."
"No problem. You want some help getting it upstairs?"
The blonde shook her head. "Naw…I got it. Thanks though."
She dragged the box across the lobby and into the elevator. Once she was on her floor Jess dragged the box down the hall to her door, then through the apartment and into her bedroom once she was inside. The blonde set her laptop down on the floor. She grabbed scissors from her desk, opened them and used them like a box cutter to break the seal on the box. The teen tossed the scissors on her bed and sat on the edge of it.
Jess opened the box and peered inside. She wasn't sure why, but looking at the contents of the box made her sad. They shouldn't have. Alex had packed up her room at the condo and sent it over to Olivia's apartment. It saved Jess having to go and do it herself, or sending the detective to do it for her. She picked up three of the picture frames sitting on top of everything else, unwrapped and looked at them. Staring back at her were faces of happy people from another time in her life. The third picture was of just her and Alex. It was black and white and both women were sleeping in a hammock together. Jess was lying beside the taller blonde, with her head on Alex's chest. Olivia had taken the picture in June, when she and Alex had rented a cottage upstate for four days. She closed her eyes and started to cry. She missed Alex and she hated herself for feeling that way.
When Olivia walked into her apartment she was surprised to find Jess in her room, sitting in front of a large box. The teen had not taken off her shoes at the door, which normally indicated whether or not she was home. She knocked on the doorway of the blonde's bedroom and walked in. "What's with the box?"
Jess wiped away tears from her cheeks. "Uh…Alexandra sent over my things from her place."
The detective was a little surprised. Alex hadn't called to say she was going to be sending Jess's stuff. "Have you been crying?"
"Yes" the blonde wouldn't look up at Olivia.
"Why?" She asked, already knowing the truth. She wanted Jess to say it though.
The teen shrugged.
Olivia walked over and stood beside the blonde. She saw the only picture she was still holding. It was of Jess and Alex. The detective knew, in time, the young woman would forgive Alex for lying to her. Jess had to do it on her own time though. "Did you feel safe with Ally?"
"Stop it," Jess whispered not wanting to remember how safe and calm she had felt in the picture, wrapped the arms of the taller woman.
The detective stroked the blonde curls on Jess's head. "It's okay to miss her, Jessie." The teen said nothing. Olivia continued. "I do."
Jess rested her head on the brunette's side.