Chapter 6
The Enterprise didn't actually arrive at Organia until late in the evening, later than they were supposed to. So they wouldn't actually be able to beam down to the planet until the next day, which was just as well since they weren't really supposed to be there quite yet. Jim had just been so eager for something to do, that he had been hoping that they would get there at a proper time.
At least, this way he would be able to keep his promise to Spock. That morning when he had asked Jim to recount the conversation that he'd had with the older Spock, he had been loathe to talk about it. Other people had started trickling into the dining hall, and it seemed like it should be a more personal conversation. And on a ship, gossip and rumors had a habit of spreading and manifesting without too much encouragement. Spock had agreed to postponing the conversation after assessing the situation. Thus, they had agreed to meet in Spock's quarters for dinner at the first available time. Now it appeared that it would be tonight.
Jim smiled slightly as the end of his shift came to an end, much to his relief. Oddly enough, he was looking forward to more conversation with Spock. Even though the emotional energy that it took to dredge through even a simple topic seemed insurmountable, some part of him felt that it was cathartic. Regardless, he found himself looking forward to it.
Not to mention, time had seemed to pass at a decelerated rate due to an obvious tension between Uhura and Spock that didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. And Jim had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to get anything out of either of his officers. At least, not without using unethical methods. Which he thought was best if he didn't dwell on. He might get too tempted.
Being on a bridge with two people who were quite obviously doing their best to pretend that the other didn't exist was really uncomfortable for the rest of the crew. Well, Jim was uncomfortable, and he was speaking for the rest of the crew. He just had to find a way to get them to act civilly towards each other again. Which really shouldn't be as hard as he thought it probably would be seeing as they were both fairly rational people.
As his shift came to an end, he exchanged a look with Spock and he walked over to him before he left. Quickly, they solidified their plans for dinner, agreeing to meet in Spock's quarters in a thirty minutes. Spock left to go prepare for a guest, leaving Jim on the bridge. As he was about to leave, someone from the next shift (what was his name...Bill...Fred...damn?) came up and asked him to sign some things that needed his clearance. Trying to hide his impatience, he quickly skimmed over the datapads before hastily signing them off and taking his leave.
As entered the turbolift, he happened to glance back and noticed that Uhura looked particularly depressed as she packed up her things for the day. Torn, Jim considered walking over and finding out what was wrong, but he knew that if he did, he'd probably be late for dinner. Plus, the bridge was much to crowded to have a personal conversation right then.
He was sure Uhura would be fine. After all, she was a strong woman and Jim couldn't imagine that she would let a silly little thing like a breakup bring her down. But as much as he wanted to believe that, in the depths of his heart he knew that Uhura really just needed someone to talk to. And as captain on the ship, he really should make sure that she was okay. Again.
Jim sighed as the turbolift let him off on his and Spock's level. Jim sighed again. He knew what he had to do. Walking over to a computer consol, he quickly typed in his authorization codes. "Computer, Lieutenant Uhura's location."
"Observation deck."
Jim sighed again and walked back to the turbolift to take him to the observation deck. He was going to be late because he was trying to be a good guy. Spock would understand. And he didn't want to be fighting his conscience the entire evening. Plus, maybe if he could find out what was still bothering Uhura, maybe the tension on the bridge would go away.
When the turbolift stopped, he walked onto the observation desk, pausing by the doorway to just observe the lieutenant where she stood silently. He dimly noted that he'd just had a serious conversation in the same exact place not even a week ago. If Jim wasn't careful, people might actually start to think that he was deep and caring and shit. Well, maybe not. And even if they did, was that really such a bad thing?
Jim found that he didn't have an answer.
Either way, he knew that he was already running late for his dinner with Spock so he only had a limited amount of time to talk to Uhura. Which, he realized, was probably for the best. He was far more talented at irritating her than cheering her up and really only wanted to help her. Slowly, he walked over to her, coming to the conclusion that he really wasn't the right guy for these kind of talks.
"Captain," she said without turning around as he approached her. Jim stopped, surprised that she'd known that it was him.
Deciding to just go with it, he responded, "Lieutenant. I noticed that you were rather...upset on the bridge today. Is everything alright?"
She shook her head slightly and turned to face him. Her eyes had a shiny glaze over them and there were tear stains on her cheeks. Jim inwardly cringed. He had never been good with tears. But he knew that he would have to stomach it if he ever wanted an enjoyable day on the bridge again. He waited for a moment, hoping she would just tell him what was wrong, but when she said nothing, he asked, "So, what happened?"
She looked at him, as if trying to decide whether or not it was worth confiding in him. She sighed suddenly and just shook her head. "Have you ever just been so angry that you just lost it? Said things that you didn't mean to say, that you didn't even know you were thinking until they were already out in the open?"
"What do you mean?"
Uhura shrugged and then choked on a sob. Shaking her head, she fought to regain her composure and Jim looked away to give her some privacy. After some sniffling, she seemed to pull herself together and pulled away from Jim a little bit to walk closer to the window. "I said horrible things," she whispered, her voice so soft that Jim had to strain to hear her. "To Spock...I was just so mad and it didn't make sense to me and I just...I just wanted him to hurt as badly as I was."
"What did you say?" A cold feeling was suddenly running through Jim's veins. He had a feeling that whatever had transpired between them had caused a lot more damage in his emotionally unstable first officer than either of them really realized.
Uhura remained silent for a moment, shame resonating from her still form.
"I accused him of not being able to feel - to love." She shook her head and impatiently wiped tears off of her cheek. She turned to face Jim again. "I've never seen a person look so miserably blank in my entire life."
"Like someone had kicked his puppy?" Uhura glared at him and Jim inwardly kicked himself for trying alleviate the seriousness of the conversation. It was the only way he knew how to deal with that kind of conversation. Jokes just made it easier. Uhura clearly didn't agree with him though, so he quickly sobered up. "Just apologize," he instead offered, knowing that it sounded like odd advice coming from him. "Spock's a fairly logical fellow, I'm sure he isn't above forgiveness."
Uhura looked away again, projecting a different kind of shame now. "I can't," she whispered, looking back at him with haunted eyes. The oddity of this entire conversation struck Jim suddenly. He'd never seen Uhura even close to breaking down, and now she was just letting it all out. Well, you'd never hear Jim claim that repressing one's emotions was a good idea and here was Uhura, blatant proof.
"Why not?" he demanded. He was hoping beyond hope that this wasn't a pride issue, because, at the end of the day, Jim didn't really like sounding like a hypocrite.
"Part of me meant it."
...okay. That was not at all what he thought she was going to say. This definitely presented more of a problem than he had been prepared for. Had he known that accepting the captaincy of the Enterprise also came with so many emotional encounters from his more reserved crew members, he might have told Starfleet to go choke itself. No, really.
Jim take a moment to take a breath and calm the anger that was slowly boiling in his blood. His first instinct was to yell at her, to ask her how she could do such a thing. But he knew that, as someone whose very rank as captain had relied on a similar outburst, such a response would not only be inappropriate but also unhelpful.
So instead, he evenly asked, after gathering his thoughts, "What makes you think that?"
She shot a measuring look at him and seemed to decide that she had divulged enough information and went back to being vague. "I just don't think he's capable of love."
"He loved his mother," Jim replied smartly. He knew that it was different from what she was talking about, but he didn't have any other response that didn't involve raised voices and expletives. Lots of expletives.
"With all due respect, Captain, most people love their mothers."
Jim gave a wry smile. "Well, I don't know. I can count several occasions when I've been less than fond of my mom."
Uhura sighed in exasperation. "But you still love her."
Jim fell silent for a moment, letting his eyes travel over the stars and planets around them. "Love isn't always that simple, Lieutenant. It doesn't always fit into that perfect box. Do I love my mom? Yes. Do I want to be around her for more than 15 minutes at a time? Sometimes. Do I ever openly express how I feel about her? Rarely." Jim turned to look at Uhura. "Just because I can't stand her presence and don't tell her everyday how much she means to me doesn't lessen how I feel towards her. Or maybe it does, I don't really know. But if anyone ever asks, the answer is yes. I love my mom."
Uhura stood silent for a moment, absorbing Jim's words. Jim found that he was becoming uncomfortable by the amount of people who seriously seemed to take his words to heart. He didn't ever want to give off the impression that he thought his advice was golden. Maybe bronze...
"But at least you express it once in awhile," she finally reasoned. He knew that she was merely trying to justify her actions to herself.
"Everyone shows that they care in different ways," Jim said, gently resting a hand on her shoulder. "If everyone did it in the same way, it'd be really boring. I mean, a person can only hear 'I love you' so many times before it becomes meaningless."
While he hadn't intended for it to be funny, Uhura laughed and Jim felt the seriousness of the conversation dissipate a little bit and felt a wave of relief. "You should apologize," he said. "Regardless of how you feel now, you'll probably regret it later if you don't."
Jim turned to make his way to the turbolift. He knew that he was so late for his dinner with Spock. He hoped that he didn't think that he'd stood him up, knowing that he had thought the same thing only a few days. He remembered the sinking feeling of disappointment when he had thought that Spock wasn't coming. He didn't want him to be experiencing the same thing.
"Hey, Captain?" Uhura's tentative voice called after him. Jim paused and turned around. "I mean, Jim." Pause. "Thanks. I know this was...hard for you."
Jim forced a smile and waved his hand in dismissal. "You have no idea." But he smiled brightly and quickly made his way off the observation deck. He had to hurry. He was so late that he knew that a few more minutes wouldn't really matter, but he still wanted to get to Spock's quarters as fast as possible. Plus, if he looked frazzled, maybe Spock would be more inclined to believe that he had been rushing about in a busy haze. Probably not, but it was a decent argument.
Then again, if he ran, he would look frazzled, which really wasn't his best look.
Jim thought about that for a moment before dismissing it as ridiculous. James T. Kirk always looked good.
Before he knew it, he was a Spock's door. For a second, he just stood there, hesitating. Then he decided that he'd stared down phasers and Romulans. This was just his first officer. His mostly pacifistic half-Vulcan, logical first officer. There was no reason to be nervous. Not that Jim was nervous. Jim didn't get nervous. He lifted his hand and knocked with a confidence that he wouldn't admit he didn't have.
The door slid open a moment later, revealing Spock. Jim immediately noticed the relief that was shining in his dark brown eyes. Spock had been worried that he wasn't going to show up and Jim felt guilt start to chew at his insides. He didn't care what excuses he had, none of them could possibly be good enough to excuse making his first officer doubt their tentative friendship.
As Spock stepped aside to allow Jim entrance, he thought that it was odd that Uhura thought that he didn't feel. While you had to be looking for it, once you got to know him a little bit better, it was blatantly obvious that his feelings ran deep.
All of a sudden, Jim felt the need to right the wrongs that Uhura had committed, knowing damn well that it wasn't his place. But he couldn't shake the urge to reassure Spock that he knew that he was more than capable of feeling and love. Because Spock needed to know.
A.N.
I'm sorry that this took so long. I was visiting friends who are back from university - the one good thing about finals means I get to see my friends soon. So, I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that this chapter is shorter than usual, but I figured you'd get a massive Spock/Jim conversation chapter next.
Also, Jinny was right. The stylistic choice was from the novelization of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. It's a really good book, and I do recommend it. I found it highly enjoyable and the writing is really pretty. Thanks for the continued support and reviews guys!